Day 281 out of ward(329 on medications)

I'm hoping to be at "recovered and cured" feelings, right now even soft voices the feeling is peaceful, I wonder what about tomorrow what will I feel?

I took medication today, then I experienced false-memory like "I have taken medications", then I remember that the bottle to drink it with is empty so it means I haven't taken medicine because if I take, I have to go to refrigerator for water.

The phase of people to become more caring seems will not happen, what do I expect, like $50/2 weeks, something like that so I can save up and be rich then who knows can go out with a lover or use money to search for Sakinah at Raffles Place, as the most probable location of her workplace, I really don't know, she didn't decide to message me too.

I wonder how I can pass my O level like this, I don't see the scores will be high like story of doctor I will be famous as score so high, then it became my imagination I thought "life is like my imagination" and it's true, it means I won't get Wahdiah back as she's expecting "a doctor" despite my schizophrenia, it's really bad my life to have an expectation so high then I don't know if I can achieve it, it's really bad I am so dead in getting any girls again.

The feeling today is more peaceful then anhedonia needs to go away, I hope it goes away, exercises makes nice pleasurable feelings comes back.

Just now when I go to shop to buy redbull and storm king(storm king out of stock btw), there's a woman with a pass then I don't know who is that, it's really weird my life to feel the fear like that, I'm so unhappy and feeling unstable about it.

Anyway I still feel like going to Lot 1 and hangout at any food places then post on Facebook then hope Sakinah will come down on Saturday and Sunday, it's really bad my life experience she's not around to make me happy even at this age, I wonder what's wrong with my family and doctors, what makes this age okay as "to not be married yet"? It's really unfair. I'm definitely dead like not getting a lover in my life, and I grow old without my family panicking about my late-marriage, it's really sad they are so heartless about it and they let me grow up to not have children and wont become a grandparent, it feels like torture how they live life like I have something drop on my head and bleed then they are in front but choose to eat crackers quickly instead and ignore my pain. I don't know how to go through this life like this.