The Actual Matter?

It's been 17 Years Long, Isn't it Everyone is Really Gone From My Life? (S), (A) and (W) won't appear in my life. I'm made Single the entire life, nobody cares about me. If my mother cares she would help me about (S) but ask if I want to marry someone that she would like to ask instead.

I'm definitely not getting married anyone else.

I really have no one in life to live my life, sometimes my mind in a blurry moment becomes imagining if I will marry (S) for real, she's definitely gone from my life, it's been so many years.

Why do I keep trying again? She's just living her life not caring me at all then suddenly doctors' story pop-up that the 3 girls will become Schizophrenic too.

What when is it going to end? Why is my life not clear of my future? Are doctors helping me at all? If doctor remember, doctor is the one that stopped me from hacking, then I became a boring life, I believe doctors in hope that I would get a nice job, it's until 22 years long that I haven't hack kind of lifestyle? Why is doctor doing this to me?

I wonder what I should do if it's just imagination-statements? I really have nobody that would help me at all. I grow up to die like my parents are imagined as dying due to old age, then I become a useless man, I really have nothing gained or saved in life, my family didn't give me anything at all for more than 10 years I have nothing in my life. Why are they doing this then trying to be funny "if want to marry ..", that's cruelty I think, I've been wanting (S) since 6 years old then she ask me if I want to marry someone else. I should give up on (S) because it's 31 years already, the moment I met her until now, it's definitely not about Mastermind, they 3 didn't ask me anything means they don't care about me.

I'm on my own in my life with nothing.

Just eating from my parents' C.D.C Voucher and My Father Belanje Food, then I been trying to work I should just die at young age as they don't let me feel anything in life. My life is nothing great at All.

I Remember they mentioned about giving me money at 38 years old, but they don't talk about it, so I think it's a lie as it will be the same as in the end I work from Jobclub and C.C if don't open December it's like another hell feelings, I knew the story in B.M.C i will work Pallet Job, then to keep believing without updates is tiring me. I really have no hope kind of man.

Nobody updates me anything it's been years, then looking forward for such days that will not happen at all. So if they schizophrenia their turn to wait for 17 years long then? Isn't it supposed to be like that? I guess they just ruining my life accidentally.

No one is helping me at all, it's just pleasant statement to hear to take medicines daily until next year then keep hearing voices like recordings, let be to keep "attacking my mind" from my memories, then I may write of it accidentally and stress about it. Nobody is helping me anything, I've lost my life so long ago without realizing it at all. It's not clear to me I'm 38 years old next year?

Nobody gets married at 40 or 39, it's too late already, I think my family are becoming stupid to question me if want to marry others, instead of approaching my desired girls.

They(3) also didn't effort to meet me up or help me in my difficulty, it's a proof it's been nothing in future of my life with them, I will not have anything in life anymore, life is over long time ago just earning for my future to eat extras/more than Government gives as life goal.

Nobody cares about making me a special smoker, I know I need to smoke it's $13.90 for 2 or 3 days everytime. I really have nothing from my family, they never gave me money for so long and it's not even this month after so long of taking medications. Stress is created on purpose. Only my brother ever gave me $100 on October. I'm already dead in life.

The future is to experience deadmeat and keep hearing voices of my memories of past attack statements. They don't help me recover at all and let me continuously suffer hearing a stupid girl's voice that entered University even if Stupid and Bad Person.

Imagination Excitement

My Mother is Lucky To Get To Use Her Simba Line Like That(At other countries), then it's actually $10/mth despite using in other countries. The fun of life is like that, how we get to spend what we pay for, then I don't know what to do even in December. I really hope the hacking job is in December. I really want my life normal again. The worse situation I can think of is only June Next Year, then (S) to contact me Maybe July Next Year even, why is she taking so long anyway? Her Line haven't expired yet I guess.

I'm happy how I've sent my Bank Book Image to Jobclub then tomorrow maybe they will contact me on the Job Training, I really hope it's not causing backpain to me and I can really be strong doing it for 3 hours 2 days weekly. I really want to be healthy, if it's 180 Days maybe it feels like 1 year is closer, it's only 150+ Days I've been taking Medication, I hope the health happens in December like a sudden memory-comeback to me and I began to feel healthier, I really don't want to Suffer anymore in my life. It's too much suffering then losing memories of my family members, then the far ones I really can't remember if family or friend of my mother. It's odd.

Everyone in my family seems stronger than me in everything about living life, I'm like useless just laying on Sofa today, I managed to sleep back after waking up at 7.30 to eat medicine then 12.30P.M Waking up from sleep. December I really need to go somewhere to feel healthy, I can't be in difficult life for so long, life is too harsh already.

Tomorrow onwards is the day of start if eating Chicken Chop with Tomato Rice as a Healthy Food for future babies(inside me still), as I remember doctor claiming I will have a sick baby if have a baby, then he doesn't think yet I'm not married then can't have a baby yet anyway, wonder why doctors don't just let me spend time with my Soulmate.

Doctors can't do anything I guess because my future babies is said by them as Psychics and Hackers, means Doctors really want to care my life. I remember Doctor wanted me to become his Son I think, then it becomes Odd of course writing this down or Doctors tell me why my memory is like this 1 day.

I remember of wanting to be in Relationship with (S) and doctor was around to help with making the Loveletter, I really feel happy that I remembered I have ever spoken with (S) and told my feelings after a long time, I don't know when I forgot that I ever told her, it feels like she's unreachable in my life, I really love her my entire heart and hope she becomes my future wife. I really have no one and I'm reaching 38 years old next year, old already to look for other girls, it's like too late, there's no more nice girls in the world anymore, life is too harsh on me.

I hope that Working as Hackers for Mental Hospital will bring me great richness to my life, I also hope doctors remind me when I will take My O-Level as I really want to feel the stress of like a stupid person ends. I really feel like a stupid person even if I'm top in the game(worldwide) of "Whose got the biggest Brain?" - I really was not rewarded for being top person by government, I really hope government gives me something.

I really want to live life as a working man that earns money, since fishing life is still like far to get, I know Jobclub can make me something, especially doctor told me my O.T is the Best Occupational Therapist in I.M.H, means maybe she really knows what's best moment for me that she didn't call me yet to Go Jobclub. It's like I set my own timing anyway by giving Bank Book Image late. At least she rested my heart from the panic of rushes to complete about I.M.H Appointment.

I think if I remember, it's actually next month I will go City Hall and got to know about My Woodlands Friends even meeting (S), (W) and (A) at there, as the gathering is from Doctor that even my Niece and Her Real Father would be there with Her Mother in a split way as knowing my Future is like a Gangster due to what my friends are like. Means they just getting to know who my Woodlands Friends are just helping me from shock about my Future. If it's not next month I wonder when is it? I know have story in my memory like that. It's hard if I don't write anything, it's like I'm actually going to lose everyone and new life really starting for me. Remembering only 2 readers in the past, I think it's safe to write still. I remember like: I have no friends because they will be hanged till death, means my life became to start from Scratch of finding new people and I really maybe going to U.S.A for Hacker Job as a Soldier. I hope doctors give me a clearer vision of my future, if I have no friends and my family are like this to me, how am I going to enjoy my gaming life again? Gaming with Doctor like Story of World of Warcraft together really happening in my life?

I wonder when I know it's December or At Least June Next Year That Doctor will appear near my door for the Soldier Recruitment that will end my stress thinking about Jobs as I become a Hacker Soldier for S.A.F, Mental Hospital and O.C.B.C, but what about the Pallet Job from Community Centre? Is it really happening? I feel like cycling to C.C if the renovation is done so that I got a Job 1 Day, isn't the Pallet Job from Jobclub then? I hope this thinking really ends and I know about Soldier Job kind of life.

Story of Gayboy named As "Muhammad" In Front

Why he exist as such name? Shouldn't a force of name change happen? The Gayboy is a Police N.S.F that pay Teenage Boys for S*x, I Think M.U.I.S Should Force a Name Change On That Person.

I Commented On AsiaOne Acting Smart Hoping I Get Many People's Attention A Gay Should Not Be That Name and Somehow They Force a Name Change to Happen.

I Really Like If A Popularity Occur, It's Like A Chance To Prove (S) I'm Smart About Such Matter in Life, Not All "Muhammad" is Nice. 1 Is Ever a "Chong of Secret Society" Then I Think His Name Should Be Changed Too, It's Unfair To Use Name "Muhammad".

I Hope Malaysians Get Involved In Reading The News And Make A Story Like A Vote of Change of Name, But Is Singaporean Alone Enough For This? Only Me Talk Of Change of Name, 1 Person Only Ask His Religion, Shockingly.

Why They Still Can Use Name Of "Muhammad" if a Gayboy? It's Bad Like That.

My Mother Gone To Kampung Jawa

Still in Touch with Relatives From So Far Away At Kampung Jawa, Makes Me Think of (S) If Her Family Also Like This. My Mother Don't Look 70 Years Old At All, Only Like 50+ Years Old. She's Already Old And Time Is Precious At Home I Really Hope She Don't Create Like Heartburn Talks When She Comes Back 3 Weeks Later. The Anger Creates A Heat In Heart That It Burns Like A Supernatural Hotness Exist, It Feels Like Hell, I Read That "Sabar" Creates Heart to Heat-Up, Then I Guess I Don't Want Her To Waste Her 70 Years Old Making Me Angry But I Really Know What I'm Doing in Life, My Weakness In Life Makes Me Can't Do Some Things.

I Really Ever Forgotten She's My Mother During My Schizophrenia For Years, Means I Really Don't Know Who Are My Family Members(Her Cousins etc.), All I Know Is 1 Of Them Wanted To Care Me Since Baby When My Mother Thought She Would Die From Giving Birth To Me. It's This Family.

I Really Think (S) is Spending Time With Her Niece As She Didn't Give Her Time For Me, and Somehow I Think Her Question Like If I "Have Eaten" In M.R.T Makes Me Think She Loves Me Due To Psychological Facts Of Asking Such Question is Disguising Love Into Normal Question. It's Weird I Hope I Get To Marry Her Soon.

I Really Can't Remember My Relative Even Until Now Taking Medications, I Think She's 1 of Family Member of Wali Allah. They are Nice People And I Think A Kind That Allah Doesn't Take Back "The Wali" Of What Allah have Given Their Family. They Know Like A Miracle or Psychic, I Don't Know Why I Can't Recover Or They Maybe Still Advise to Solat Even if KNOW, It's Weird Too I Feel of Asking Psychic The Correct Way To Solat To Feel Peaceful Like Them(They Look Truly Peaceful And Happy).

It's 3 Week My Mother Will Be Gone, I Hope She Will Be Safe, Happy and Comfortable At There.

It's Weird How I Don't Remember If Anyone is My Family Members, Like Forgetting My Mother is My Mother During My Schizophrenic Moments For Years. I think it's Mainly Because of Their Strictness About Money, I Wonder Why Too That They Didn't Help Me Get (S). I Wonder Why My Life in Suffering Thinking of Soulmate and Life Experience. They Go Places and I Don't Know If Don't Go Shopping Malls Too Like My Mother.

I Ever Feel Like Going All Shopping Centres In Singapore, Stopping By M.R.T Stations And Capture Video To Make Money(Like Can Make Money From Exploration Videos).

They Don't Worry About Money At All, Different Than Me, Like My Father Can Keep Working Despite Being 73 Years Old, I Wonder How He Did It Too. I'm Happy How Healthy They Are And They Truly Looks Like Will Live A Long Time. I Hope My Mother Don't Waste Time Scolding My Unwanted Lifestyle(It's Not That I Don't Want To Work But I Can't Due To Catatonia that I Hope Doctors Really Tell My Parents About It).

Pictures Are To Show (S) About My Mother's Life Going Kampung Jawa. I Hope (S) Remembers Which One is My Mother, She's the Short One in 2 Person Last Picture.

 

Injection Tomorrow - Alone

Tomorrow is Injection and Getting the G.S.T/Assurance Package of $600. Starting Life with Jobclub in Mind To Go Through the 1 Month Probation with this Money Then Start Earning From Allowance. I Hope Everything Will Be Fine.

My Loneliness is Felt Heavily Like I Wonder If Anyone Love Me It's Been So Many Years Single Life, Do Anyone Actually Cares At All. Single with Losing Memories and Doing Meaningless Stuff At Home Like Watching Abandoned Structure Videos of Exploration, Empty Shopping Malls Exploration, All Imagining Money All the Time And Feeling Heavy Every Day And Melatonin/Valerian Root Saved Me From More Pain At Night and the Next Day. Why Do I Have This Kind of Sickness For So Long? Does Anyone Actually Believe Me It's Not Really Lazy But Can Just Say Lazy To Skip Explaining The Feeling?

1 December is Close, Definitely Buying The Mood Support Pills That Can Last For 3 Months Due To 90 Pills, But I Read The Required Servings As 2 But I Maybe Still Will Take 1. It's Like Valerian Root Requiring 5 Servings But Taking 1 is Fine Too To Save and Be More Stable On More Days.

Today I Ate Leftover of Dina's McDonald Pancakes and It Felt Nice, My Father Also Bought Nasi Goreng Ikan Bilis In The Noon Just Now. Then I Remember Today is Sunday and Hoping (S) Really Ate Nice Food Too or She Been Eating Nice Food? She's definitely spending time with her niece if she contacted me earlier wouldn't have time to respond to me because of caring her niece I think it's something like that. 6 more months to wait for her is so long, the estimation of contact. I remember it felt horrible when I thought she never knew I love her at all then I've been searching for her my entire life, then she actually can contact me but did not, and got into relationship I wonder why too with an ugly monkey-feature man that the name as vocabulary "Iman"? Why people use vocabulary as name? It's different than her it's like her name definition is only used in Selawat matters? If 1+1 = 2, "Iman" Sounds more like Vocabulary than her name.

Just my luck I tried my best by posting A.I of Monkey Feature About Escalator Jokes and It Really Looks Like "Iman"'s features then I think I know he's handicap(cacat) causing his Child to be Cacat too 1 day as Story of Buccal Swab Will be Proving It that it's true. It's like a Wali Allah still can no longer be a Wali Allah, and it doesn't matter if Psychic claimed his Son Will Become A Wali Allah. Buccal Swab collects D.N.A and Blood Test Was Done During It To Check for Sickness and/of Future Babies Something Like That. I Think (S) really wasted Time of her Life with Him like he M*sturbate when I Met (S) in M.R.T when I claim to him that I still win if I Molest (S), then Psychic claim he went to M*sturbate(means he got too angry and annoyed so he Did that), really he just left (S) like that with me talking in the train together for a long time.

I really think (S) should just be with me and hope I can just get a nice job at Jobclub to survive from being called something like a Freeloader(living without earning anything but others keep paying for me), I think I learnt in Chinese Drama at the Subtitle.

Anyway he thought I'm Wali Allah abusing power just to tackle (S) as knows he M*sturbate. Psychic was the one that told me and I believed Psychic.

Surviving from Catatonia & Anhedonia

It Sometimes Decreases the Energy to Work, Learn, I Have Wasted Days Not Learning Mandarin Language, Only Having Part 29 and 30 Left On HSK 1 And It's Been So Long.

I Have Submitted My Bank Book Screenshot to My O.T(Occupational Therapist) and I Somehow Have The Energy To Be Happy to Be Going Jobclub Again.

Catatonia Create A Bad Feeling To Body If We Perform a Plan, Then We Would Want To Reverse for the Normal Feelings Again. But it's Also Maybe Anhedonia Too As We Lost The Pleasure of Doing It So We Cancelled The Plan? It Makes Us Mentally Becomes Sick and Sad As It's A Plan That We Love To Be Doing Then We Cancelled It?

I Plan To Buy Mood Support Pills(For The Valerian Root, St. John Wort's Mixture in the Pill, 2 in 1) To Counter My Anhedonia Maybe It Will Counter Catatonia Too(I Don't Feel Stuck Anymore). Valerian Root Was My Surviving Pill From Schizophrenia, It Makes Body Less Painful From Catatonia That Promotes Schizophrenia To Happen. I Think Mood Support Pill + My Medication Will Be Strongest Health Creation To My Lifestyle, I Can't Wait For December To Order It But I Have To Wait, I Really Want My Stronger Health Back. I Hope It Creates Me Able To Perform A Job Too.

Today I Ate McDonald Pancakes From My Brother And Happy About It, I Was Also Thinking Of (S) If She Ate The Same As Me(I Hope She Does), Because Her Lifestyle Like Rarely Will Eat McDonalds Pancakes Except Saturday and Sunday? I Really Pity How Someone Hardworking As Her Suddenly Will Get Schizophrenia 1 Day, I Hope I'm Fast or Quick Enough To Save Her From The Hellish Boredom Of It, I Definitely Don't Want Her To Feel Alone During Her Period of Schizophrenia. I also Remembered That She Will Recover The Fastest Causing Me To Become "The Best Medicine Expert" Something Like That, in Mental Hospital, I Know I Would Want Her Healthy For Our Future Babies(As I Want to Marry Her and Have Babies with Her In Future). It's Maybe Just Telling Her "It Will Create the Babies To Be More Healthier" If She Takes The Medicine. Schizophrenia Naturally Rejects Medicine I Think, But I Remember She Knows "It's just eating it", Easier Said Than Done in the Past, We Imagine We Are Being Looked Upon As "Due to Insanity Need to Take Medicine" Something Like That Causing Not Wanting To Eat Medicine.

I Think St. John's Wort Will Support Both Catatonia and Anhedonia while Valerian Root Will Support the Physical Pain That I Feel In My Body, Other Than Melatonin Too. It's Like Lorazepam is Sleeping Medicine But Supports Catatonia. I Think I Can Do This Healthily.

I Plan To Top-Up $30 For My Simba Line But It's Like Going To Be $50 and $50 For EZ-Link Too. Like Using Up On What's Important First For My Life. EZ-Link is To Go Jobclub/I.M.H.

At the Moment I'm On 107th Day Outside Ward On Medication and Total Of 154 Days On Medicine. Total Days Required is 365 Days On Medicine To Recover I Think, But I Know Recovering At 38 Years Old That I Somehow Hope Can Become Earlier, Especially with Mood Support Pills 1 Day I Will Buy From iHerb. I Feel Like I Can End This Pain Soon, I Need To Counter Catatonia's and Anhedonia's Pain Somehow, Definitely Mood Support Pills Are Important In Future Against These 2.

Remembering Morse Code

I wrote down Morse Code Alphabets: 1 = Dor, 2 = Long Line.

I Plan to Memorize Morse Code As Remember That Doctor Ever Said That I Will Get Soldier Job Faster if Remember Morse Code.

I Hope (S) Will Do It Too, But She's Working But Just a Fun Activity In Case We Have To Communicate Secretly By Morse Code Will Be Nice.

I Think Doctors Understand How I Haven't Been Learning Mandarin Language and is Fine By It, I Know They Definitely Like That I Continue Doing What I Love. Then January To Start On Iqra Last Page For 1-6 Months. I Hope Can Remember Morse Code In Just A Number of Days, But I Really Need The Energy To Keep Learning.

I Hope We Secretly Become Something Special In Communication That We Discover Secret Ways To Talk Together, I Think I Can Do This But Have Jobclub As Part Of Life's Plan And I Need To Do It Too Because The Payment is Big, I Think I Will Continue Waiting Until December? Bank Book Is Important I Wonder Where Is It To Send Jobclub and Image of It. I Will Have To Ask My Mother About It. It's like Sometime The Catatonic Feelings Gone and I Became Energized To Work, Learn New Things As Part of Life's Plan. I Still Haven't Memorized Doa Iftitah Even If It's Not So Important To Start A Solat, I Can't Solat Anyway But People Don't Believe or Just Like Heating My Heart Up. In the Past I Ever Heard Of Solat Method That's Different, That Doesn't Stall On One Place, Just By Walking Around, I Wonder How About Learning That Will Be Nice. Nobody Teaches Me About It, It's Hard To Believe Because If Moving 3 Times(But Allah Knows) Is Batal Solat, Why Walking Can(Because Allah Knows)?

I Ever Hope Psychic Will Tell Me The Right Way To Solat Because I Heard It's a Meditation and True Way is Peaceful, Even if I Follow The Right Way, I Wonder What Peaceful is Like, Psychic Definitely Knows The Real Way(Maybe there's something that I do wrongly that Psychic can explain to Wali Allah Why)?

How Will Doctors Help Me About This? Then What About Martial Art? I'm 37 And Yet To Know Any Martial Art. I Wonder What Makes Them Think Have A lot of Time in Life?

Remembering Morse Code Becomes Easier In Numbers To Imagine The Length of Tone, Hopefully I Get The Fastest Way For A Soldier Job. I Will Try To Remember Asking My Mother for My Bank Book Before She Goes Kampung Jawa.

Too Early To Celebrate

It's Still Too Early When I Look It's Only Half of August, September, October then now November, if Count July it looks like a lot of months passed.

I don't know why voices of others is like a recording in my memory, some feelings I don't have to feel is felt too, like Crushing Hearts Statement, there's no end to this, Schizophrenia is really from statement of others or it's the Catatonia and Anhedonia?

Don't know why Small Girl would attack so harshly just because worried of people finding out she likes to bully little girl(a toddler) maybe. There's no ending way of her voices just calming myself as much as I can by writing.

There's no shortcut as have to wait in life or just do the jobclub, the cost to join it is $90-$200+ so can't be that I would stop anyway, don't know why it's like meaningless imagination of "cleaning training" and still I won't contact first too because of saving money for transport. No idea why they allow sadness to happen in life like not just letting me save up money. It's like wishing for other's death then a death happens then truly no feelings about it, because too annoying then found out it's maybe family members, I really don't know my family members before then can't be thinking others easily as family members, maybe by faces. They like to create heating-heart and still survive in life continuing it.

Doctors don't know how to shutdown the memories of bad experience, just because never beat up a small girl had to hear a lot of her talks and became in my memory, then it's 17 years too late her success in causing my life broken. Means whatever bad happens to her will be liked by me, then I don't know why none of them tried to get my Ex back to confirm it's memories of the small girl's talks then it's too late like, she didn't effort too, losing my happiness to wish for her is like a secret desperation of something else. It's a way of life from feeling pain.

Means my heart can't feel happy liking my ex sometimes as the effort to want me to remember doesn't exist, it's just stories of psychic that I may become a mastermind as their top advantage in not helping me anything in life. They all believe in psychic even if claim to not believe in psychic stories, means psychic really wasting their time talking to family maybe, but doctor is a doctor just doing what a doctor can.

Then its too bad psychic prioritize older people of my family anyway and not me(the patient), that I just go through this with anticipation kind of pain, I think it's called Catatonia whatever that our heart been stopped from worry, anger, sadness, stress, then it's Mental Sickness called Schizophrenia that happened to Me?

They maybe laughing and happy of the pain in my life because it's not their luck to be like me, then (S), (W) and (A) will feel pain from Schizophrenia too, then too bad for them if I just "understand differently" like they should've helped me during my difficult moments, means no one really cares is the secret reality of life.

In the end just to believe Soulmate as definition of what others feel (after marrying the person then is a soulmate) and just knowing Soulmate feeling sick too, like too bad.

Weird if even contact can lead to become a Mastermind, they got me into no life at all, then if appear after years, it's actually no feelings like an effort exist just waiting and earning money or just understanding psychic told everything then actually not or I became a useless person that cant work that they will say as "don't want to work". They really just creating anger into my heart to become hotter like existence of Hell. Why are they giving me anticipation of Hell feelings even after my mother tried being nice like giving CDC Voucher? I really cannot feel good.

Recovery said as 38 years old, then there's no alot of ease at 37 years old just normal living too, and normal anticipations as well in their talks or topic they start - just creating anger to my heart(it becomes heat up like hell exist, supernatural heat).

Happy Food

Ate Chicken Chop with Tomato Rice just now, then still have Chicken Sausage Spaghetti for later, Means My Future Babies Will Be Healthier Already.

It seems like my Soulmate still letting me be Alone this many years, as reason that I could become Mastermind if spend time with me earlier, if given money maybe it's just a lot of liquor and ice cream to decrease the pain in body? It's maybe Catatonia, but what sickness is it, why exist physical pain in body? Why Mental Medicine Manages it? Is it the colour of it because of alot of hotness, then green actually is more calming?

I really don't know what to do about my life, I just hope December is something better in life.

Why a Mastermind is their worry more than spending time together is the time in Jail in their mind? But it's been over long time ago, the Story of Mastermind is "I Would help Malome Lam" Escape from Police then Got Myself 2 Years Prison at that time, Malome Lam really looks like my brother, nephew and a person in I.M.H, it's 4 People Looking Like Each Other and there's 1 more in Plato Looking Like My Brother. There's also a Police YouTube Video that looks like my brother, I wonder what's going to happen, will my brother meet the Police and laugh? Why my brother's face is so common and not unique then? Is it just my eyes?

I think there's other Mastermind Stories if not (S), (A), (W) would've met me already? I wonder how much they saved for ezlink to go out with me, if it's $20/mth, 10 mths is $200, 17 years is more than $2000 saved to spend time with me? But they 3 will get Schizophrenia anyway, I dont even have $2000 is the shock, if Schizophrenia but to be calling me like a useless person is bad, it's not that I don't want to work too. Maybe I haven't found a suitable job yet.

If (S) really copies what I eat, it's really something known Daily? Did we eat at the same time too? Why (A) and (W) did not copy what I eat? Funny just wishing it's true.

To spend on $99 Laptop or Save is the point next month(in 2 days), funny can only afford like that in life. My life is really horrible. I think to just save money to not feel higher difficulty in life and just spend on Simba Line. I still haven't spent my time with Simba 400GB as have no one and no motive of going out at All. Celebration if not given money, I can't be spending too, only have Voucher to Self-Celebrate, really can't do anything my parents are like this.

I think like working at Jollibee and McDonalds Sometimes but Doctors didn't say such thing will happen at all? Why is it like that? How can I be stronger to just earn money? Why am I left only like that in life?

1 of my post reaches 16 Views but I think it's just a lot of Refresh I wonder why too that it's like not, who suddenly became to read a lot. It's maybe only 2 Readers and 1 Is Multiple People because of Connections(together reader group)? I wonder why it's like that they don't tell me they read.

Anyway it's tempting to taste the Chicken Sausage Spaghetti now but maybe later around 3 or 5 p.m?

Really Too Far Behind

People been playing with Drones In A Programming Way I Saw, But I Plan Of Buying the Square Camera To Connect To My Toy Drone That's With My Nephews 1 Day, To Take Videos.

I Love How They Don't Miss Life About Such Matter Like Drones - That Actually Have a Course To Control Then They Are Definitely Good At It Already.

Another Is: What if Abandoned Structure Exploration Using Drone Camera Live Viewing to Control It? Won't it be more Scary as It's Alone? It Would Be A Different Way of Ghost Hunting, Wouldn't It Be Fun To Be The First Doing Ghost Hunting Like That? Means I Really Can Be Alone When I Create w.w.f.g(we walk for ghost) Videos?

I Also Have Plans To Buy A Small Camera One, I Wonder Why I Didn't Play In The Past Maybe It's Too Small To Be In Public For My Age? I Treat It Like Something Really Special Is Why, Like A Baby Robot. What's Nicer About Drones if It Can Be Attached Like Hands Vernier Caliper Or Spanner Kind Of Movements Just To Have More Fun Of Playing It.

It's Weird I Only Played It For Awhile In My House Then Forgot Of It. I'm Okay Though As Long As My Nephews Are Living Their Life.

I'm So Bored Thinking Of My Life How To Make It Better, Will I Really Get A Soldier Job In December? I Really Want The Pain of My Life To End. It's So Hard In My Mind For So Long Like Why There's No Updates About It From Doctors Too?

Today I Plan To Buy Chicken Chop Tomato Rice and Sausage Spaghetti For Later At Afternoon or Night, It's $9.40 Can Easily Use The $10 C.D.C Voucher My Mother Gave Me. The Plan is For a Healthy Baby in Future. The Food Have Coleslaw Is Why I Will Eat Vegetables.

Wondering When's My First Hack Of 200 Computers To Hack By Doctor, That It Will Become 1000 To Hack, I Definitely Want To Hack To Earn Money As Priority. Just Now I Wrote "I Am Top Hacker In The World" in Binaries(The 10101101010110110 etc.) At Plato. I Also Remembered I'm Top In the World In "Whose Got The Biggest Brain?" As A None-Hacker In The Ranking. I Really Hope Have Special Reward On It - Like Can Use Guns, Become A Soldier That Use Pistol, Money Like $100K, Permitted to Care Tarantula, Sugar Glider, Scorpion and Snakes - Just A Nice Reward From Government Will Be Fun. Maybe They Knew Then I Have Schizophrenia Then It's Nothing To Celebrate About Too?

It Really Feels Like December I Will Hack Again By Doctors, I Really Can't Wait It's Exciting How Permitted Hacking Exist In The World. I Remembered Only My Family Will Become Hackers Of Government 1 Day: Me, My Soulmate and My Children. It's Because All Other Hackers Became Criminals In The End, Means It's Becoming a Permanent Job For My Family, It's About My Future.

I Also Remembered A Story Like A Dream, I'm Selected to Capture LockBit Hacker and Fin7 Hacker Group 1 Day And To Work As A Soldier To Capture Them As I'm Really The Top Hacker In The World.

It Will Be A Competition: Psychic or Me Will Capture Them First. I Feel They Should Easily Make An Advertisement "To Notify Police" Is Approached By Fin7 and See A Foreigner That's Alone In Russia, It Would Become Easier To Capture Them. It's About Ideas and Plans. But Its Hard To Remember If It's Real Or Just A Dream. It's Like Not Remembering That I Have Ever Spoken To (S) At That Time.

Life Definitely Sounds Fun In Future, Ambition and Dream Come True(Because A Hacker) That I Got Such Jobs To "Only Hack Computers".

I Remember When I Thought I Was Dajjal, It Was Because Islam's Teaching Is "Jews Are Good In Mathematics" Then I Kept Scoring 100 For 6 Months Until Been Warded, Then I Thought I "Am A Sacrifice of Islam", I Remembered I Plan To Remove (If Engraved and Sacrificed) The Mark At Forehead And Run Away With A lot Of Lines On Forehead To Disfigure The Alphabets. Good Thing I'm Not Israelist So I'm Not Dajjal, And It's So Long For This Recovery. I Wonder Why The Voice-Memory Is Like That, It's Really Heartless How I Fear Of "Being Left Away" As An Orphan "To Feel Like Rasullullah s.a.w" And To Claim As Prophet Because Of It "Because I'm A Dajjal" As My Imagination Created By The Doer. I Really Can't Do Anything I Felt I Was Japanese and Egyptian Mix For A Long Time, Then Thinking I Will Become a Pharoah/King In Egypt and Got Some Land As My Own. Schizophrenia are really Created By People? How Long Will It Take Psychic To Settle This From Public's View After Mind Created To Believe As Someone Else. It's Hard To Believe Like All Schizophrenia Have Thinking People Talking Behind Wall and Doors, Then Someone That Understands Schizophrenia Decided To Talk Behind Wall and Doors. It's Just My Luck In Life I Have To Experience So Much Heat in My Heart and Mind It Felt Like Realm of Hell Merging to Burn Me, It Was So Hot.

Feel Hot & Angry Too Much Belacan I Think

Today my mood is quite bad, just now it was quite physical heat in my heart I think it's the Belacan Too Much.

I Was Reminded Of Angry Moments of My Life From The Heat in My Heart. I really can't do anything about its, the memories appear by voices(a conversation that happens again).

Maybe by Temperature It Can Cause A Certain Trigger to a Memory of Life? I wonder why it's like that, what caused it to be like that too? I know I felt fine like I can go N.S then during N.S I Actually Forgot I Have Schizophrenia if Not I Would've Kept Taking M.C At Mental Hospital Maybe? I Really Can't Survive My N.S Life, Why Did They Put A Schizophrenic To N.S? Why is it like that?

Then I Really Can Do Soldier Job Once I Recover?

I Really Been Searching for Job Just Now, I Just Remembered My Mother Will Be Going To Jawa December Then It's Going To Be No Anticipation of Working Or Solat Questions I Will Definitely Be A bit Less Heat-Up in My Heart, If I Do Get Stronger Should I Tell My Mother or Siblings To Not Bring-Up Such Heating-Heart Questions? Why is it like that the Catatonia?

Really Can't do Anything, Making Me Angry is Bad In My View, Then Why Doctors Not Telling My Mother or Siblings for Me? I Don't Know How To Say It Too.

My Mother Asked Me Late Today "If I ate Medicine" So It's Weird She Suddenly Made Me Angry At My Heart I Don't Know Why, It's Common Sense And It's Her First Time Questioning Like That As If I Did Not Take Medication. She Like Ruin My Writing Moments Like As If I'm a Kid, I'm 37 Years Old That I Have Forgotten Like Promoting Retardation-Callings To Me Instead.

Does An Old Person Become Stupid As Gets Older or Not? She Really Creating Hatred To My Heart.

70 Years Old And Wasted Nicer Feelings Like That, I Have No Idea Why.

She Don't Know I Don't Like To Shout? She Likes To Create Me Angry, How Can I Work Like This Too? I Definitely Will Be Unstable To Work If Angry.

My Bad Luck Is My Pain is It Really From A Small Girl, The Stories in My Mind, It Was Hot Feelings Of Anger and Wasted My Life Just Like That.

(A) Didn't Hold On Too Making My Life Feeling Worse, Doctor Said It's Better I'm Left Alone?

Just maybe it's the Belacan Causing Anger in My Heart, What To Do Like Anhedonia Then She Making Me Feel Worse Too. Don't Know What Makes Her Not Caring Just By Needs In My Life To Settle Something I Don't Like She's Just Still Around - Like I.M.H Visits, I Guess (W), (A), (S) Didn't Really Worry About Me At All Too As Doctors Have Medicine To Give Me Anyway, It's My Fault if I Didn't Eat Medicine Anyway. Don't Know Why They Like Got To "Install Statements I Should Hear" Like No Wali Allah or Psychic Help Me In The End, Remembering So Many Annoying Stuff in My Life Suddenly Raging My Heart then My Mother Question That, They Like Promoting Me To Enter I.M.H Before She Goes Back To Jawa.

Who Remembers Me?

It's Weird How My Life After Writing So Much Then There's No Stories, Still Feeling Quite Lucky and Unlucky Memories Too If Imagine A Life Sabotage As Successful, Why Do I Have To Experience This Kind Of Stories In My Life As Memories Of Voices?

I Still Think There Should/May Be A Story In Public About Me, It's Weird If Like None, But I Think Doctor Is True At The Same Time It's Really "No Problem" And Just Have To Live Life Normally. I Wonder What's Settling My Life.

I Don't Think Anyone Cares So Much About Being Difficult To Move Sometimes, I Think It's Already Bad To Be Just Imagining My Life To Become Worse As Nobody Understands, Maybe Doctors Didn't Prioritize Me At All As A Patient. Crazy People Like Still Exist At The Same Moment Too, I Wonder Why, In Chatroom. But if the Hacked People End Up Becoming My Friends, They're Just Jealous The "Victims" Didn't Report Anything Because Nothing Missing or Ruined In The Computer As Fact, Means No Theft Was Done And They Are Still The Same Richness Just Knowing A Type of Hacker Exist.

I Don't Know To Believe People Don't Know How To Hack As Real Or Not, Like Hologram "Is Something Difficult", I Really Feel No Pleasure In My Life Hearing Everything Back Then My Mother Simply Just Say "Don't Think of the Past" Like I Have No Memories.

They Didn't Care How My Life Became Different and I Have Nobody Because Of Someone Said Stuff That I Hear Back As Voice-Memory, Then My Loss in Life is Losing A Normal Support In My Life, Really To Believe Someone Got To Ruin My Life As the Reality? Doctors Didn't Mind Too I Think, Means Actually They Just Have Their Goal For An Outcome From Me Instead, They Really Never Cared My Life And Didn't Get To Know Of The Pain if Really Felt By Me Or Not To Just Demand To Work. I Think They Really Can Become A Stupid Caretaker Just Being Around As Family, Means They Maybe Want To Believe Like Sweetest Revenge is Becoming Someone Better, That's All.

My Life Gone For 17 Years, Then It's Like Schizophrenia Instead, I Am Reminded of The Attacks How Small Girl I Didn't Beat Up Continued Trying To Take Advantage and Injure My Life Experiences, A lot of Experiences Gone I Really Don't Want Her In My Life Journey. Means I Really Never Want To Talk To Her Anymore, But Schizophrenia I Can Forget And Maybe Still Talk To Her Again.

I Don't Know Why Such Level of Attacks Exist In My Life, It Ruin All The Nice Feelings I Should Have, It's Just Something I Can Never Forgive.

Nobody Reminded Me Of My Life With (A) Should've Continued Too, Then Maybe Interfered By Psychic Of "May Become A Mastermind" For Money, Then Psychic Didn't Let Me Have My Life Of Feeling Less Pain Too Other Than From Medicine, Even Now I Think Of Jobclub. There's Nothing Worth It In Life - I Only Achieved A lot of Zikir Like "Ya Hayyu" 100k Times and Memorizing Asma-Ul-Husna, Then It's The Same Feeling and Life Experience, The Happiness Did Not Bring Me Anywhere Greater In Life Experiences. Nobody Applaud or Give Me Anything For Doing Such Thing To Decrease The Pain In My Life. It's Really Common Sense That They Should Stop Adding Pain In My Life But Doctor Didn't Tell It's Physical Pain(Catatonia).

Nobody Cares About Me Like How I Live My Life All Alone With Nothing Kind Of Strength To Achieve Life Goals, I Become A Useless Man That Just Waits For Money From The Government(C.D.C and Assurance Package), They Let The Suffering Of Thinking As Life Stuck Continues, They Really Just Doing Normal Expenditures of Food, Drink and Medicine Really Nothing Special Before In My Life. Even Hari Raya My Family Never Gave Me Any Money, Normality Ruined Into Other Initiative That They Believe As Good, Then I've Grown Up They Still Treating Me Like A Small Kid, Means I Still Can't Be Feeling Truly Free With Catatonia.

Wand etc. Biz Plan

I know how to make a wand I wonder if my idea of drone became sword appeared, can I biz wand doctor?

I used to write in public I wonder if my idea was stolen.

Even hologram is easy that I feel everyone knows how to do it.

My idea to fly using drones as shoes also appeared I wonder if it was stolen too.

But it's okay the imagination of Magic still happens.

I want to make a Toy Biz I think it will definitely be level like a Drone, the popularity. It's something that's common sense but exist so late, if a Wand happens maybe it's okay to Biz it too?

I really want Doctor to plan for me as he's psychic, I really want to become a businessman and earning easily from something like this.

I ever imagined Electrical Sword, Hot Sword, Wind Shield Too As Biz, but life of Knights no longer exist but it's still fun to have inside house? I really want to make something different in the world, can I own a business that looks magical in many people's eyes? So it becomes just a Hot Knife, Electrical Knife, it would be fun to Business these?

I hope doctor let me try to get this kind of business popular. Then when hybrid fruit exist, people would still believe in Magic?

Then maybe special Pets like Gold Arowana Baby, or Red Arowana Baby, it's something cool to have too, to appear as Magical Life, to believe like Psychic Exist means Magician Exist Too?

I wonder the RoboDog is Cheap I feel like buying it too, then to give my Nephew instead(but not the boring kind the kind that follows) because I'm already too Old, it's something cool like if they can play something following them even or take videos using RoboDogs, it's cheap I check the prices, if something common sense like that can exist late and become famous and popular and making money, I want to be the first in Wand Biz, maybe Hologram too, it's like easy people make Hologram but to be the first will be fun?

I just post first, before it's too late.

C.D.C Voucher Finished

Finally Finished My C.D.C Voucher, I Think It's Perfect With 3 Days Left Until December, The Feeling of Learning Mandarin Language Came Back, Maybe It's Because of Redbull or A lot of Exercise Yesterday I Feel Healthier Today.

It's still hard to think what work I would do, if jobclub would contact me earlier or December 29 itself, I hope 1st December is the appearance of Soldier Job Still. The Story of 38 Years Old "Then I Will Be Happy" Still Seems Like Soldier Job By Fact is In June, Means I Can't Get My Happiness at 37 Years Old Yet.

Catatonia Makes Me Confident That It's Hard To Work, I Feel Like Requesting Doctor "To Let Me Focus On Medication Alone" Since My Recovery is 38 Years Old. I will still search for jobs anyway, I really feel like trying Dishwasher Job due to Panic as I haven't Change My Phone Number and Send Bank Statement to my O.T(Occupational Therapist) So That She Can Schedule My Training Days, I Forgot That I'm Saving Money For Training Days Too That It's Okay It's Late.

Just now when I shower, it feels like "Hacker Job" is too easy to be true, earning $50 per hack at first, then it increases, I like how easy money can be earned just by hacking - it's hack for "Mental Hospital" anyway jobs by Doctor. It feels like Doctors pity me instead and giving me money for such easy hacking. I feel so wonderful and worry I take so much money for something so easy to do. I really just love the job. I really want to do well that it's my 2nd job other than Pallet Job 1 day, I really hope I get a job from December to January so I can skip doctor's question about Jobclub, even if maybe nothing it still feels like something, does worry cause Catatonia too? I know doctors knows but don't know why they're like that they still question. They are just being nice like when I was spiked they didn't mention I smoke(not about drugs) normal cig. The spike moments made me wish for Liquor and Ice Cream then it didn't happen in I.M.H, I'm thinking of removing the drugs by Liquor, just theory that it's the best way for removal of it(the feeling to appear then suddenly vanish the next day).

I survived well from my August G.S.T of $850 and $300 C.D.C Voucher(normal shops), I still have $160 C.D.C Supermarket Vouchers. I really feel like spending my time fishing to avoid harsh questions from family about work, I really want to earn something for family at home just by fishing(getting fishes) and not be a useless man but my mother always makes it sounds like that, every morning when she mop I would anticipate and worry she create heat in my heart, I then think she's 70 years old, it's not good to quarrel or argue with her, but she wasted our moments of life like that, by creating anger to my heart. I feel if I don't work it's nicer to spend time with my Mother at home, as shes 70 years old then I have been 17years like skipping my life without her, I even lost memory she's my real Mother then they didn't care about it too, doctors didn't tell of my feelings?

I was made to think I'm Japanese and Egyptian mixture too, another Race causing me to think I'm hated in Singapore because Japan ever invade Singapore and Egypt have a lot of Atheist? I was thinking if I could really be chosen to become Dajjal to be Painted Red and Right Eye Blind during my schizophrenic moments that I "am an orphan". I really have no one but only think and wish for (S) and recovery that actually it's 38 years old and maybe can't be faster at All. Then I think again, Dajjal is From Israel, then of course it can't be me. Then I wonder if Islam rejecting me to Choose me to Become a Jew like a Sacrifice. It's so many years I was thinking like this and nobody knows or nobody helps me except Doctor that just wish I take my Medicines.

I really hope I know where to get the Pallet Job, if I remember The Past its maybe from C.C(Community Centre) and I work it all the way until I got a job at Bank, I wonder when C.C going to be open if it can be Before Meeting Doctor so I can easily just tell Doctor "I got a job already", it's not that I don't want to work, it's the Catatonia. I know intelligent people also Smoke so Smoking doesn't cause decrease in intelligence.

Life Matters

I Did Like An Announcement at Plato Whoever Mistaken Their Neighbour As Watching Bad Video It Was Me The Hacker. It Felt Like I Did It Before Last Year. I On The Volume to Maximum During My Hack.

I Also Wrote On Plato I Ever Hack Neopets and Gunbound, and Hotmail Too.

I hope they somehow ever went through Lie Detector as they're not the doers so their neighbours don't think it's them anymore. But 1 Person I Hack Registered to Bad Websites those Nudity Videos Kind, and Is Customer Of It, Making It Okay That I've Hacked and Nothing Happened To Me But I Still Haven't Used Computers for More Than 15 Years Except My Brother's.

I really hope I get a job by December until January so It's easy way of answering doctor how I'm not working yet but I think even if doctors knows I can't work they will ask me why I haven't work yet? Why is it like that? I know 1 of my job is doing a Palette kind of Job with Hacker as Another Job 1 day, I wonder how long it's going to be, am I focusing on Jobclub alone? I really been searching for jobs thinking how to answer doctor that I haven't work yet, jobclub haven't contacted me yet too.

I remember doctor told me I would be friends with the people I've hacked and work as government worker to get the 10,000 People that their credit card supported a Nudity Video Website, as a Soldier to Capture them like a Police. I think my future is settled this way but why they still question about my job instead of waiting too? Why my mother is old age but making me angry with common sense?

I really don't know what to do, it's common sense if want to work, if can't work they won't believe is bad how doctors never told them about it. How I just have to go through a 1 mth probation of working as cleaning then $6/HR for 3 hours 2 days weekly? I really want a better job soon so can skip jobclub and just earn more hours too. I really can't do anything they treating me this way is hard for me to think well, I became more unhealthy when my mother talks common sense of life. They were not understood matter of Catatonia by Doctor at all. They just let me be in difficulty and adding stress. She's old yet wasting her life making me angry(in heart), the heat she creates to my heart is like her nature of not understanding Catatonia. I guess nobody is really helping me anything for real and I just go through such bad talk from my mother.

She always appear a conversation that heat up my heart like doctor told her I would feel hot, to make it, then it's hard to have nobody to trust as doctor would prioritize parents I think, as doctors never told them of my catatonia.

Nobody is helping my life just making me angry as 1 of common sense to remember about my mother. Common sense would be that I didn't tell im angry but who would tell people they are angry anyway? It's stupid to add pain into my life, my mother being 70 years old then I hope she's not stupid too, like have to pray she won't become stupid.

Missing Plans

Like Whatever I Have Bought To Wait For December So It's More Lengkap, But Then I'm Saving Money, Catatonia Makes Me Imagine I Can't Work And Body Stuck to Move I Easily Get Tired As Counter the Stuck.

I Remember The Plans of 400GB Data To Use It, Then I Have Nobody Still To Go Out With, Then My Knee-Level Pants Too I Bought For Fishing, Like In The End I Have No Confidence To Fish At All.

It's Like A Life Memory Loss, It's 25 November So Soon Already 10 Days Past My Last Reset of Phoneline Data, Life is Really Fast.

My Mind Like "In the Air" Kind of Floating Feeling, Sometimes Sandy I Imagine Spike In Brain Blood Then Not Out Of Brain Area, And Also At Heart(Heart Keeps Jerking Maybe It's a Thick Spike). Jerk is a Physical Movement, Why I'm Not Allowed To Just Rest At Home As Priority and Not Work?

I Don't Know What To Do I Feel Catatonic.

Why is My Body Like This Is It Because Of Missing Someone? Is It Because I'm LoveSick And Supposed To Be Dead(Fall, Jerk, Stuck) But Alive? I Really Can't Help Myself Just Feeding Cold Water/Drink And Trying To Make Myself Happier.

The Hunger Is Real And My Mother Didn't Cook Rice Yet Makes Me Wonder Why, But I Don't Mind I Just Drink Cold Water Anyway. I'm Trying To Have A Clear-Thinking Then It's Hard, I Would Definitely Be More Stable if Smoke Like A Soldier Needed Cig.? I Wonder How To Get The Money Then, To Work As What? Dishwasher? Should I Just Work As Dishwasher? The Story of 38 Years Old Until 41 Years Old Having $50K, Is It I Work As Dishwasher At 37 Years Old Then? Will I Be Fine Like This? Feel Like Just Wanting To Try Jobs At Findjobs Application, And Work As Dishwasher. There's Also Dishwasher Slots In Facebook Group, I Wonder If I Should Do It. There's Also A Bakery Job $9.50/Hr but usually they ignore me anyway since long time ago, all Bakery never responded me before.

Wonder why I'm so smart but just normal kind of Jobs, it's because haven't recovered yet? Soldier Job is so long then I Already Feel Ambitious, Then it's a Psychic Knowledge That The Government Didn't Announced Yet, I'm So Happy Then It Could Be Next Year June Instead, 38 Years Old?

I Think of Looking At Jobs Again Thinking How I Can Be Fine, I Know Doctor Maybe Want Me To Rest and Not Work, But I Need/Want Money I Keep Searching For Jobs, I Hope Doctor Can Just Help Me Find Something Like A Nice Job At Factory: Zagro, I used to work here last time it's so fun and easy. I really can't work again at Sony too, it's fun too at there. I feel like applying the Chocolate Job that uses Safety Shoes, that's definitely painful it makes me wonder why or how people work with it. I really have no life doctors should help me find a job that's not Jobclub so I earn more and fast? Why sometimes I feel healthier then I can become energetic to want to work, sometimes catatonic then I don't feel like working at all. Doctors must really settle my Catatonia.

Boring No Transport Job Can't Work

Boring I Really Wanted To Work At Shopee, But There's No More Transport So I Lost The Energy and Happiness, I Definitely Think It's Difficult To Be Without Transport.

Last Question of The Agent is "Let me Know if Your Side Ok" Then I Did Not Reply Because I Think They Should Know Suddenly No Transport It's Difficult Already, Boring Life I Really Like The Company Then It's Like That. Just Have To Wait For Soldier Job, Maybe Doctor Been Correct My Next Longest Job is Soldier Job, Because It Would Definitely Be Shopee Because I Love The Company.

Why is My Life Like This? It's a Nice Company Then Suddenly No Transport? I'm Already In Difficulty About Transport. It's Deep In Jalan Buroh Definitely I Will Feel It's Too Far Unless Have Transport.

Too Bad I Can't Work Then, Sad How Doctors/Psychic Correct Again That My Next Longest Job Would Be Soldier Job I Think, Means I Can't Find Friends Yet. Means December I Will Wait For Soldier Job To Appear On News.

I don't know why life have to be this way, I thought I would be working in a famous company, then there's no transport, why I have this kind of feelings happen to me? It's definitely became boring and dull, I will go back to waiting Jobclub for their call I guess.

If my life really boring and doctors/psychic knew why they let this be like making me having no money? What should I do? Just work at McDonald 888? Something like that? I really want a Nice Job, 888, Causeway Point and Civic McDonald Really Looks Tempting To Try, what should I do I don't have Bank Statement for Jobclub to Do Next Plan For Me.

I think to just know own self I became useless ever since I stopped hacking by Doctor's wish, then should work reflecting qualifications then just work McDonald 1 Day. Maybe Hackers Job all been just a dream of meeting (S) in M.R.T Something like that, maybe (S) still don't know I love her at All.

I think I should just give up and forget about (S)? It's more than 10 years anyway, she didn't find me, can't be interested in me. Doctor probably think it's crazy to help me get someone I'm interested in, being mentally unstable then want a love story, I don't think Doctor serious about helping me at All.

I think should just give-up about Doctor and just believe doctor just making me eat medications that's all by saying all those.

I was believing story that psychic claim I can get admin job at Shopee as a hacker to detect their thief, then I wonder why I can't because no transport(it got cancelled) so means it became difficult for me as I have to think alot more. I really didn't get a nice company to work at anymore just because of 1 reason, so sad I have to wait for Soldier Job as a Hacker at Technological Sector 1 day.

I wonder why psychic made me stop hacking, he wouldn't care because it's really mostly other countries anyway, it's just p*rn noises suddenly blasting from their speakers, then he made me believe him then I stopped hacking and losing my happy moment like seeing a Bundle of Free Computers to hack. The happiness is like getting 400GB Data from Simba for $10/mth only.

People can't know that I hack except Psychic, he should've let me be, trouble maybe because of a worrying heart I go to hell if hack. It still could've been something else kind of hacking - like only spying, I wonder why doctors/psychic do this it's more than 15 years of No Hacking Life, I should be trusted to have computer or else it's like a Ban from Computers for so long. I wonder why Doctors let me be thinking so long about my wish.

So this means I don't get Job at Shopee Like My Wish then Wait Again for Jobclub to Call Me Until Soldier Job Appear on News As Story of Psychic is Like That - S.A.F Will Suddenly Recruit Soldiers for Technological Sector and I Get A Hacker Job(My Job is Hacking While My Team Penetrate Into House Of Suspected Terrorist Influence). So I Will Get Evidence and Spy Terrorism-% That They Will Become And Try To Remove their Interest From Terrorism, Something Like This. Computer Connection Really A Way Of Life.

I lost my Contact to DDoS Botnet Makers/Collectors That I Should've Actually Have A lot To Hack In Life. My Life of Happiness I Left It For Believing Doctor of "Getting in Trouble if Don't Stop", Then For A Job In Computers Too. I Wonder Why Doctor Let Me Be For So Long, I Really Want To Feel Like An Expert and High Status Achievement. It's Been More Than 20 Years I Been Having Nothing In Life, My Difficulty from Catatonia And Anhedonia Created The Sadness To My Life.

Hungry Spendings

I Plan to Eat Chilli Tuna With Bread Today, Then The Bread Expire In 2 Days I Still Bought It Because Hungry, I Bought Mentos Too and It's Spoiled 1 End, Losing 2 Pieces. Spent $10 Voucher and 10 Cents.

It's 7 More Days To December, Getting the G.S.T/Assurance Package of $600, Imagination Of Life Blooming Again, I Wonder What (S) Eats During My Difficult Moment But I Remember She Eats The Same As Me As Her Plan of Life In M.R.T, I Wonder If Really True Of Everything, Especially On Moments I've Been Spiked and Not Hungry, I Really Hope She Takes Care of Herself. I Remember My Hilton Pillow if Hug It It In Correct Pressure "Would Feel Like Hugging Her" And I'm Happy About It, Knowing How She Feels Like In My Imagination During Pillow-Hugging. Funny.

It's Day 102 Outside Ward On Medication Today And I'm Still Successfully Eating Medications, Total Days On Medication is 149! I'm really close to be 365 Days On Medicines and Happy About It, I Only Have "216 Days Left" And I'm More Than 1/3 Phase Of 1 Year Medication, Truly Happy.

I Feel Like The Plan of 100 Days To Take Pictures Outside Ward Been Forgotten And I Just Plan To Live Life Normally, At First I Thought of Buying Sketchbook and Printing My Photo Then Create Like Memorial of Recovery, Then I Guess It's Not Really Important Anymore, Maybe 120 or 150 Days is More Important, Didn't Have Anything To Self-Celebrate Too.

I Miss My Life A lot, Hacking Been 20+ Years Of Missing It, I Wonder When I Will Hack Again After O.C.B.C To Get The Girl I Love Her Current Job in O.C.B.C, The Test of Hacking Was On The Spot And I'm Happy I'm Successful About It, I Really Lost My Memory About It Too, It Feels Like A Dream and Not At The Same Time.

I Remember If I'm Nice To Doctor Can Hack 1000 Computers, Means The First 200 Computers Are Special Criminals That's Tempting To Do Something To Them? I Used To Hack Computer and Insert P*RN and Increase Volume of Hacked Computer's Speaker And Play The Video, Like a Life Sabotage, After Thinking Like If Babies or Kids Will See It, I Decided To Stop Anyway, Because Doctor Claimed I Won't Get Myself in Trouble if "Stop Now". I really Hope For A Nice Job As Hacker 1 Day. I Remember I Will Wear The Smart Admin Wear As Soldier Job of Hacker, To Hack Mental Patients That's Dangerous To Public, Suspected As Terrorists Maybe, To Gain Evidence Earlier To Stop Them From Terrorism. I Plan To Decrease Terrorism By Showing The Enjoyment of Hacking and Spying, Then Telling Terrorist Life As Deadly and Can Become Meaningless Death To Stop Them From Joining Terrorist. There's So Many Thing To Enjoy In Life.

I Remember About Hacker's Story, LockBit Haven't Been Caught Yet But Famous Hacker Still Active Earning Millions Maybe, I Wonder Like If Malome Lam Turns Over A New Leaf And Decide To Counter LockBit's Earnings By Stealing for Justice To Disallow Strength For LockBit From The Money Earned, Maybe Malome Lam Really Will Be Released Earlier If He Offers Himself To Fight LockBit. 

Nothing to Write Anymore?

It's just the same feeling repetitively, today I woke up at 11am finally feeling normal about my life, I should be able to sleep anytime of the day in the past, the boredom is extreme, no money causing being at home instead of outside too.

Why doctors knows this feelings that I will get and still fine about it - maybe he think of eat, bath, drink, sleep and that's it to have a normal life.

I wonder how they know my stress of jobclub but still will talk about it, I really got a job on 12.12 but then jobclub haven't contacted me maybe because I haven't sent photo of Bank Statement.

Is it maybe too early of writing my knowing by doctors that (S), (W) and (A) will get schizophrenia? What would they do if they read? Will they think they're getting crazy too? My life hinted of needing someone but I still not getting anyone, soldier job is the day I gain friends then I think of a faster way to gain friends like working at Shopee will be nice energy of life - it really sounds stable job because of the Company Name.

I'm super hungry right now then not cooking yet, I think of eating Chilli Tuna with Rice but quite lazy to cook rice. I don't know why it is fine this kind of life. What does (W) and (A) do at home, do I know too if imagine Soulmate? But I think they've been living life fine without me is still odd too, I thought i'm someone special in their heart?

I feel like going for bicycle ride to kill time, then I can't think well too, I feel unstable and doctors knew this, doctors knew jobclub won't contact me yet but will still ask about jobclub? Is it their belief of "Suntricity" science, to feel something in feelings can create Catatonia and Heat but still will ask anyway?

I think 1 day of work to survive or increase income is still nice if it had to be only 1 day, will I be having energy for it though? It's bad, energy this sense is not stamina but the happiness to work. Everyone living a normal life while I'm schizophrenia and let be with no one helping me, I don't know too if anyone really think of/for me stuff to do in life.

Why is soldier job so long, why it must feel like December? Why I don't know like Wali Allah and Psychic don't tell me when is it? Why I can forgot if they told me before?

Sun Nov 23 Midnight

I Bought 2 Redbull just now so can't sleep Abit maybe at night. I wonder if (S) is asleep, every Saturday and Sunday I assume her time spent for her niece. Does she cook a lot I wonder then? But doesn't Soulmate knows a Soulmate?

I really miss her and wonder if she uses laptop at midnight this hour, or on phone browsing, what's her daily life like, do I really know? When she's schizophrenia in future(she will fall sick), will she still work at Bank? I hope I can care for her by then.

It's been so many years, schizophrenia makes me absent from normal lifestyle, only thinking of (S) daily in my mind I wonder how can I be normal again ever since Kindergarten, I hope she's really good to me that she will contact me secretly before I turn 38, as the pain of schizophrenia if she loves me she doesn't really want me alone at all, but matter of becoming a mastermind druglord, maybe she made me alone due to such worry of psychic stories, I definitely won't become a mastermind, psychic always been right anyway, means it could really be 38 years old then I will meet her, why my happiness can't be 37 years old? Why she doesn't appear in my "whys"? Her answers is a soulmate's answer? Do I really know? Do I really believe this?

On 12.12 I really want to work at Shopee, but why only 1 day? It's such a cool company that I definitely love to work a lot more days, I really want to work until the psychic story of Soldier Job. I hope it extends into more days so I can earn. My life is really boring.

What happens if she contact me on Saturday and Sunday anyway, she's too occupied with niece maybe then will seem like she's lazy to answer me anything? I hope it's really something like this, I really don't want to be gone in her life, I really want to be her entire lifetime.

Is she really new to life with having a niece? Looks like it as her profile photo at GoodHood is a Baby's Photo I assume as her niece, means she's really new to this kind of lifestyle.

They are really special to me it made my heart feel that way, because it's her niece. I would ask her niece how can I get her as my Wife? Something like that, funny.

I can't like life feeling alone, I hope doctors really message me about her, I really feel loss and worry if she understands the pain of schizophrenia at the same time wanting her to understand me, schizophrenia exist a pain I guess from Catatonia's anger and jealousy and Anhedonia's sadness. I really don't want her to know the pain of Schizophrenia from feeling it.

Being alone when Schizophrenic is painful, then she have niece, she may lose trust at her family too because of Schizophrenia, I wonder when is it too, I know she will get it from psychic, I wonder how's her first day with it can I know first? Can I be the first to care? She just maybe need to eat ice cream to feel cooler temperature at her heart?

Even if it's about (S), (W) and (A) also will get schizophrenia from knowledge of psychic, I feel the same way of worry, like clumsiness stress, anger by normal accident like a creation of supernatural power, it's from Catatonia I think.

All 3 of them still yet to contact me then I can't know about Schizophrenia, will it be their first day of Schizophrenia when they decided to contact me?

I don't know how to be normal, I know ezlink as just something important without money, to be close to them during their schizophrenia, but first day wouldn't it be warded too or just medications? I worry about how they shower inside, like people can open anyhow easily? How is toilet of girls like? Men's toilet can open just by pulling there's no lock at all. Then if in Ward, I know My Ward 35A Can use Android, what about them? Will they be in a Ward that allows their usage of phones too? I hope they only go to Ward that allows usage of phone, I worry of who they may talk to, the way people walk and noises people create, they are nice girls to experience that is horrible.

They 3 seem confident about their life journey, like doctors hard to believe they will get schizophrenia, doctors really knows but they just don't contact me at all. Isn't being ready better? I hope their family buy them ice cream cups when they're inside, the heart will be hot during schizophrenia and the brain too, ice cream will cool them down.

How about their jobs? It will be Long M.C? I wonder if they really can cope like just taking medications outside without going in at all feeling the tightness of security and limited space to walk around, with time of waiting for food only as main thing inside. I wonder what voices they would hear, I guess only I would be the one believing them, their family would be hard to believe of schizophrenia can be hearing voices that don't exist to others. I'm definitely important role to care for them, if doctors believe it's because doctors are doctors/experts/understanding. I hope it's like a special situation that I am somehow a permitted visit even, I can't let them feeling alone like me, they are girls.

Today 100th Day Outside Ward On Medication

I don't know what's the celebration to be like, I will take Photo with a Fila Jacket Later maybe, to update of my growth and recovery Image. It's 147 Days In Total I have been on Medications, I used to Skip everytime this year is surprising to me how I am getting to be doing it like after a lot of tries to believe it is good. Since Young until 38 Years Old To Recover and Doctors knew it that I would finally take my medications at this age. I don't know why They Don't Feel I've wasted a lot of my life.

147 Days is Really A lot of Happiness how the recovery is really happening, how my mind can't think well in the past, how the hotness got my life to be suffering and stuck inside house or walking aimlessly. My neighbours are definitely better condition than me they don't walk aimlessly around City Hall etc. it's definitely going to be a bad life to leave a Schizophrenia with no money, family end up making up reason to be caught outside could be their solution to send into I.M.H?

I definitely will be with (W), (A), (S) when they have schizophrenia, I know they will/must recover quickly, can't be like me over 20 years, but I think even after having children can still be having Schizophrenia, so I hope they don't feel the heat so much, I think Doctors will update me when they have schizophrenia. I really don't want them in a bad state of hotness like tearing their own clothes even. I also don't want them to waste their money that they have saved for so many years, schizophrenia makes waste money like buying something new then throwing it away on the same day or even when haven't used the items, schizophrenia is really bad. Maybe it's Catatonia making like a pain if have the items causing the needs to throw them to feel less pain. I wonder why Doctors don't mind how I was throwing Stuff away.

I really don't want them sad and depressed in public view and looking very down and sad, schizophrenia need someone to be with them, splitting is not a nice decision as require support, it's just too bad for me nobody supported me. I've been alone and (S) maybe knew it how it's painful for me she just don't want me to become a Mastermind Druglord maybe, I wonder what pain I can evade for them I will try as much as I can.

Life full of suffering like psychic don't care, how money is believed as "for buying cigarettes" in the end, but doesn't it cause soldiers to become stable if smoke? schizophrenia waste cig.? Psychic really knows things like being there on time or it will seem like someone reported them about it? It's weird how Psychic is usually first and not Wali Allah, our hope always wish for Wali Allah to help but Psychic is always first. I wonder why I was alone for so long at City Hall without any support, maybe Psychic told (S) about it then they just decided I be sent to I.M.H? I wonder how I did not eat for days without feeling hungry too, maybe the tobacco I smoke have spikes of meth because I tear and reroll to smoke it?

I hope Doctors tells me what's wrong about helping me, it's like a training to believe but will feel the shame and scare for real - that if they died and I have nobody, they know my life becomes like that, but they knew it's because of money I can't live properly, why like what happened? I would waste money on Liquor, Ice Cream and Cig.? Then the expenses is too much they imagine I become a fat useless man that drink beer everyday?

Issit I'm Unhealthy

Alot of Imaginations, I Wrote Alot Of Post Today Too Fast Too.

It Feels Like Heavy On Head But Nasi Lemak Should Be Making Me Healthy?

I wonder if I will take O-Level Next Year, my Family doesn't talk about it after I said about it in family Whatsapp group, I wonder why they didn't continue, is it I don't have to take O-Levels because I can get a Hacking Job? What will be happening to my life?

It's unhealthy if I think of jobclub while can't do it yet, I wonder what should I do, maybe it's the only best path in life and I shouldn't have tried applied for a job that psychic would stop me from working? Is it dream or reality? It's like my memories of M.R.T. Is it Catatonia?

I Feel Like Dying My Hair Already, I Think It's Time To Dye Tomorrow or Today Even, I Really Got Nothing To Do. Why Doctors Stopped Me From Hacking Hobby Isn't What I Do When I Hack Actually Funny Just That If Have Babies Would Be Bad, Or Even Kids Maybe?

I don't know how to get in touch with them anymore, it's like someone actually called the Police saying I Hack instead, can't be psychic suddenly knowing the location? But it's secret of psychic? Is it someone knew of my hacking then became jealous of it?

My life is so boring I can't continue hacking life, computer hacks been fun of my life, I know it's Anhedonia causing the boredom that suddenly it feels like no pleasure because it's too easy. Why is doctor like this? It's not something that people always do.

I've been thinking of what to buy using my $10 Voucher, like 2 drinks 1.5L is $4.60, then the rest is unknown price like Chilli Tuna will require to cook rice, Ice Cream Tub have no Space in Freezer, then I imagine Syrup, it's the end of money, I just want to buy a red bull to drink and hangout outside. Then I Imagine 1.5L $2.30 + $1.10 Redbull is $3.40 Then Buying Other Stuff Like What Though? Super Bored Like Nothing To Do Daily, It Makes Me Feel Like Just Going For Rango Loh's Job on 12.12, I Really Want To Do It and Just Require Enough Sleep, It's Only 1 Day. Why feeling so Poor like Crazy Is Let Be In My Family? Why They Don't Help Me At All About Feeling Nicer In Life?

What Makes Life Like This, Isn't What Happened At O.C.B.C Is Plan Of Doctor? Is it a Dream? Why Does This Happen To Me? What Kind Of Hack Didn't I See The Resource Hacker Program & Icon Too? Isn't it Like My Break-Up This Life Mess Like Someone Did Something To My Hearing Senses Making Me Hear Stuff At First? I Don't Think People Actually Cares At All As Believe I'm Insane Shouldn't Be With Anyone Maybe, I Have Nobody.

I think it's voices-memories of crazy people talking that I'm listening getting me this kind of energy again, to write and imagine, maybe I'm actually someone that's ever-insane?

So isn't it to make me more unhealthy telling me to work? I wonder.

Life is stupid I think, just medication said as enough then they add "work too", then my life of hacking I suddenly stopped, isn't it something nice, is it to suspect The CripperZ Leader called the police but Psychic Answered Instead? Then why are they still letting me this kind of feelings? But Didn't Doctor Tell Of (A) Before she even exist in my Life? Means it's really Psychic's Knowledge! Why I can hear schizophrenic's voices as memories?! It's like I was under-attack in I.M.H by voices too then I lost memory too.

There's like no recovery, feeling sad and clueless about my life, like wonder why people tell me to work when I'm lovesick such thing. Like why my life have stopped for 17 years?

Thought Laptop is Tiny

I thought my brother's computer(laptop) is 13" Tiny Laptop. False-Memory or he ever was a small laptop?

I wonder if I should consider (S) as reading and actually agreed to be in relationship with me knowing 17 November 2025 She Loves Me. Can it not be 38 Years Old If I Want It 37 Can It Happen? I wonder.

I remember Next Year is My Nephew Anaqi's P.S.L.E, he will Be Top In Singapore Causing My Brother To Take O-Level I Think? Story of Psychic is like that, my Brother will Take O-Level 1 Day. I Sometimes Hope It's Next Year I Take My O-Level So It's Easier Life That Something Just Ends. I really have nothing in life. Why is Psychic and Wali Allah not telling me if I can be with her(S) at 37 years old? 38 Years Old is 7Mths To Go.

Or It's Actually In 2 Years then Anaqi's P.S.L.E? I Remember it's Double Happiness Or Triple Happiness O-Level or A-Level of Mine As Psychic's Story, Can I Take O-Level Next Year Then? Something to Finish Faster In Life?

If I Focus On Medications Then Just Taking O-Level? Or Actually I'm Considered As Master Degree As Know Will Becoming Hacker Job At O.C.B.C? I'm Top Hacker in the World Anyway Is The Point.

I Wonder What's Going To Happen In Future, If They Just Give Me Money Life Would Be Different I Think, Then I Remember It's Because of Death of Family Members, My Life Still Looks The Same And Nothing Special. 38 Years Old Is So Long, Maybe Doctor Actually Knew I Have Catatonia and Don't Have To Go Jobclub Even? Doctor Maybe Knew The Weight I'm Feeling Right Now? It's Never-Ending Like The Same Voice-Memory Due To Writing the Same Thing?

Memories Of Conversation - By Voices

I Remembered Again, That I Would Be With (S) When I'm 38 Years Old, By Wali Allah or Psychic, Then I Requested If It Can Be 37 Years Old, The Age Is Coming Closer. It Was 17 Years Old I Think, I was happy if I got (S) Whatever the Age.

That's All I Remember Then I Do Not Know If It Can Be Earlier Or Not, It's Definitely Decision To Marry As Something Final, If We Know This Soon, Can't It Just Skip To Become Lovers Now and Contact Each Other? If I Remember Conversation in M.R.T - I Think (S) Have 6 or 7 Months To Go Before End Of Phoneline Contract Then She Will Get Simba Number and Contact Me.

I Really Hope It Can Be Smoother, I Worry of My Health If There's A Better Way To Get Catatonia Detected Instead of Going "Cleaning Training", It's Like Not Going To Job of "Rango Loh" Because Psychic Will Stop Me? I Feel Like Going Though, It's Maybe Too Much Because Only 1 Day Job Means Alot More Work Than Usual At Shopee?

I Remember About X 3/4 Shirt and Wassup Hoodie That Can Become Reason To Meet (S), But When Will She Contact Me?

Can Doctors Just Give Me The Hacking Job Sooner? Won't It Be Unhealthy if Catatonic During Cleaning Training? Isn't the Pain of Wishing For Someone To Get In Touch With Us Same As Something Physical? It's Lovesick Causing This Pain in My Life I Think. Means Just By Missing Someone, The Pain Is Physical Too.

I Really Want To Learn Ethical Hacking On YouTube, But Would Doctor Be Mad About It? Would It Become Loss Of Fun In Soldier Job?

I Wanted To Learn Mandarin Language Just Now Then Don't Feel Well About It, It's 30 Minutes Long  Too, Very Long. I Really Want My Hacking Lifestyle To Come Back, I Remember At C.N.A There's Only 2700 Computers Having Botnet, Isn't it Fun If Have Botnet All It's Left To Do Is Hack Into It, Spy, F.T.P etc. Life Would Definitely Be Fun If Started Motive Like Hacking Committing Suicide Type of People Like Suicide Bomber Characters or Big Crime Mastermind That Uses WordPad/NotePad/Microsoft Word To Write His Plot?

I Remember I Would Be Doing Something Bad Like Putting P*rnography On Other's Computers, Enlarge Their Speaker's Volume Then Leave Video On At Their Computer if I Hack, Can Doctors Let Me Do Something Else Like I Just Hack Daily And Doctor Can Note If It Happens To Be A Crime-Suspect Family Then I Still Can Have My Life Like That Just Hacking Daily To Past Time and Kill Boredom In Life.

Things I Want To Know Is Like What Are The Chances People Keep Their Passwords In Notepad/Wordpad/Microsoft Word - Their Credit Cards Too. I Remember in the Past The Computers I Hacked Are All Boring Except Singaporean's Computer Having Pictures Then Nothing N*de Anyway.

Life is Really Boring, If Just Doing Such Bad Thing Doctors Against It, Can I Connect With Botnet Users to Look Around or Spy Isn't Life Nicer Like That, But This is My Brother's Computer I Can't Do That. I Would Maybe Buy A $99 Laptop For Such Thing But I Rather Use Than Being Banned From Computers. I Just Wonder What These Skills are For, I Plan to Work Lifetime at O.C.B.C As A Hacker Too - I Hope This December Really Have Something About the Soldier Job I Know It's Connected To O.C.B.C Technological Sector Jobs.

Ambitious Life

I Truly Want To Recover From Schizophrenia, 38 Years Old Is Really Reaching and I'm Happy About It.

I Aim To Buy 1 Anbernic Handheld Console For Life Pleasures Like Gaming, I Really Want A Gaming Life Back I Don't Think Of Anything Painful, I Am Reminded of My Break-Up From Voice Memory My Life is Like Nothing Now. 17 Years Of Harsh Pain Really From Not Taking Medications And Doctors Left Me To Try "Cleaning Training" That I Really Want To Believe Doctor. I Really Hope The Hacking Days In Life Comes Back, I Am Reminded How Doctor Saved Me From Hacking Too Much As I May Get Myself In Trouble, I'm Happy How Doctor Helped Me.

My Heart Aches In Reminded of Memory From Voices Of Past Conversation, I Really Don't Know How To Recover This Life, Like Prayers About Enemies Appear Like What's Meant for Enemy and I Prayed, Wali Allah would Believe Easily About Prayers But Me Would Be Hard Even If I Do It, I Hope Something Like Retribution or Karma Happens. I Don't Know Why I Have To Experience This Kind Of Thing In Life. Sadness Would Make Enemies Happier, I Really Can't Do Anything The Break-Up Really Happened. It's Too Late Been 17 Years Long, The Life Pleasure Been Gone By The Break-Ups, Just Too Bad For Me I Have To Fall Sick By Schizophrenia, A Reason That Got Attackers Lucky I Think.

I Don't Know How The Balasan Will Happen, I Really Have No Idea Why I Went Through Something Like This, But I Truly Hope The Heat Been From Spikes Instead of "Attacks By Statements" That Came Into My Memory From Hearing the Voices Again. It's Just Happening Again Now, I Definitely Don't Understand What Trauma Means I Hope, I Definitely Not Traumatic Too. I Wonder Why It's Like This Kind Of Life To Go Through, That I Don't Go Back Together With My Break-Ups. They Just Truly Had To Leave?

Don't Know Why Life's Like This, Life Really Been Gone For 17 Years, My Happiness if A Sadness To An Enemy, It Would Be Difficult As Have Schizophrenia. Luckily I Think And Wish/Hope The Type of Attack Statements Have Schizophrenia Too Then Understand What I Feel That Something Bad Is Really Bad, Means I Really Don't Want a Friendly Conversation With Someone Bad That I May Forget Have Ever Created An Attack Statement To Me.

So Unlucky To Be Having This Kind Of Life Experience, Nobody Helped Too, I Hope A Same Level of Pain Occurs To Attack-Statements.

I Don't Know Why Pain Of Schizophrenia Is Really Painful In Heart, Why It's This Long? I Really Eat Medicines Then I Remembered Doctors Knew Of My Pain I Will Experience Then Knew I Won't Feel Ready For Cleaning Training Then I Remembered It Would Help Get Knowledge That I Have Catatonia and it's Different Than Schizophrenia, It Would Grasp Into A New Treatment For Me That May Be Causing Sadness or Anhedonia? Does All Schizophrenia Have Catatonia and Anhedonia Then? I Hope Does Like Chicken Pox Have Rashes If Scratch? It's Definitely Different Type of Pain As 1 Sickness(Chicken Pox)?

I Need To Save Or Get A Job So I Can Live My Ambitious Life Like Buying An Anbernic Handheld Console.

When Will I Get Computers?

I Wonder When I Will Get Computers, Is It Really On My Birthday The N.S People Epul Will Buy me Computer Because of Black Magic Reasons, The Promises Are Like That. My Parents Won't Buy Computers Anymore Because of Hacking? I Became Happy I Saw Tutorials of Adobe Photoshop I Really Want To Become a Good Graphic Designer and Good In It.

It's Tempting to Learn Adobe Photoshop But I Don't Have A Computer To Learn It, My Brother's Computer is Not Counted It's A Tiny Laptop With Big Screen. I Wonder When's My Life Starting, The Happiness in Heart Exist Just Looking At Available Tutorials Courses That's Around 4 Hours Long. What Should I Do My Catatonia is Like This, Feels Stuck And Wanting To Do It, Will There Be Android Graphic Editing Courses But It Won't Be Fun? I Want To Get The Drawing Pad That I Can Design Just By Own Drawing On Adobe Photoshop, I Really Want To Create a Blue Fire Kind Of "w.w.f.g"(we walk for ghost) So To Imagine It's Cold and Heat as Ghost.

Will I Really Do Well In This Adventurous Group? At my age I just don't want to feel too late, it's like I don't have to go any Cleaning Training Too and just Focus On Medications, I know Doctor ever mentioned that he will be around During Soldier Recruitment And Door Knocks To My House, Means I Will Get the Job First Before Cleaning Training Maybe? I'm Truly Excited About It Of How I Will Gain Friends To Contact With My New Number, It's Like a New Life Starting For Me. I Know My Neighbour Will Also Join The Soldier Job(I Think) Just Because We Both Are N-Levels Only And It's The Most Stable And Easy Job. I Don't Know Maybe If We Talk Of It Then Suddenly It's Not Yet Then It Became Funny. I Remember It's Like a Dream They Ever Bought Stuff From Me(Including My Next Door Neighbour) When I Splurge On Stuff Without Thinking and Ran Out Of Money, I'm Happy Because Of Help From Neighbour. It's weird my Schizophrenia and their Schizophrenia, They Look Healthier Than Me. I Remember It Looks Very Believable I Am Recovering First Because Of Reciting "Ya Hayyu"(100K Times) By My Neighbour Telling Me Maybe It's Because Of This They Are Just More Stable Than Me But I Recover First After 20+ Years Of Skipping Medications.

I Really Looking Forward For This Hacker Job To Cut Terrorism In Country Faster Before They Became One(Means Knowing They Have Interest First By Spying What They View). I Definitely Am An Important Role In My Country. I Also Look Forward For My Job Title It's Maybe Really "Hacker"(Of Company/Group) And I Find It Really Cool I Got Such Job Status 1 Day.

My Neighbours Just Now At Elevator Didn't Make Me Feel Like I'm Taking O-Level Next Year Maybe It's Next 2 Years Then? They Really Know More Than Me As I Have Schizophrenia and Experience Memory Loss. They Also Made Me Reminded of "Suntricity" Vocab of How I Bump Into Them At Elevator Like It Happened The Same Last Year. I Rarely See My Neighbours Outside of House Only During These Moments And It Happened Like Repeats of Last Year. Like A Practice of Repeat Happening in House, In Ward and My Neighbours Too. It's A Memory Restrengthening Plan or What?

I Feel Like Just Learning Adobe Photoshop but if Have Computer It Feels Better, Should I Buy A $200+ Laptop December But I Feel Like Saving My Money. I feel like living life like my neighbour with Laptop at Front of House. How Lucky My Neighbours Are Healthy in Life Like My Family, I'm In Schizophrenia, Catatonia and Anhedonia Causing Sadness, If Difficulty of Sleep Will Be Like From Spikes It's Maybe Mistaken As "Happiness Instead So Can't Sleep" Maybe? I wonder when I will become a Special Smoker Too?

What Should I Do In Front of My Android with So Much Free Time, I Really Lost Which Course I Have Taken Due To Panic Of "Having to Pay For The Courses", I Ever Listed Them Before In My Notes. I Think To Take Other Courses About Phones Photo Editing Maybe, It's Definitely Interesting To Have, I Remember I Ever Done Through SnapChat A Background Image and Video of Myself, It's Something Cool Way Of Video Edit, It's Really Cool, I Really Plan To Maybe Do Ghost Hunting Videos Like That An Image First and A Video of Someone Talking, "We Will Be Going For Ghost Hunting At .. On .." With Background Image of the Place. Wow, Life Really Can Become Meaningful With Psychic That Can Tell About What Souls Want To Speak With Us Too, I Think Psychic Did Not Tell About Dead People Yet, I Wonder When. I remember 1 time psychic doctor ever told me that I would make business of my grandfather that he would make if he's alive, I really want it to be fast too, I'm dead bored and sad of my life feeling like nothing then remembered again there's death occurrence in family then recovered me up they have a nice reason to not help me yet.

I Really In Future Looking Forward To Things Like "What would my grandfather say to me?" Such thing from Psychics, I really want to feel the excitement of life away from these Anhedonia that I have. I Plan for time to Past really quickly by playing games but sometimes Anhedonia makes me no energy for games at All. Why my family don't make a business like I can do packing at Home? Why not do like "Ayam Masak Merah" Sales, "Nasi Goreng Ikan Bilis" Even? "Cheesecake" with Lotus Biscoff Crumbs? I feel bored like why not earn money at home? Then I don't speak to them of this, but I think they read this too somehow? Just luck of trying to gain money from making a business together. I really feel meaningless life at home, if go out I wonder where to, I feel like going Library but to read what Books? Are there "True Singapore Ghost Stories" Book in Library that I can Read? In the end I did not buy it because I Saw My Brother Have The Books around 3 Chapters of It, Last Chapter etc. Means I Won't Buy The Entire Set for $160 And It Takes Time To Read All Still. They Definitely Wishing For My Recovery First.

Wonder what Course I Should Take, I Really Am Bored At Home, Jobclub Haven't Contacted Me Yet Too. I Still Haven't Go To DBS To Change My Number Too.

Why My Family Don't Sell Kuih Raya As Business Isn't 1 Tub Is $15 Like That? Like Chocolate Cornflakes won't it be fun? There's maybe no buyers of it? Mother maybe too tired to make it? She's 70 Years Old Already, Then My Life Is Still Like This? I have to be going "cleaning training" for real it seems like that since all quiet about this. I need the energy as I will be going Catatonic many times, wondering if I can work as fact. But Doctors knew this, then I wonder when doctors will speak to me other than "just eat medicine"? I really want informations like: making business, soulmates meet-up, grandfather's idea of business, jobs that's really not backpain cleaning, it's 1 Month of Probation isn't it Long Too?

Healthier Life Journey As Goal

I Remember Yesterday I Ate Vegetables Coleslaw From Chicken and Rice My Mother Brought From Bukit Gombak, I Remember Of My Health Way To Be Healthier for My Own Babies, Vegetable is Something For Me. Then Today I Bought Ice Peach Tea As A Healthy Juice Drink. I really hope I'm doing well for this. I plan to just spend on my needs using CDC Voucher, now I have $90 Of Voucher Left, it's really tempting to save for Chicken Chop With Tomato Rice But I Guess My CDC Voucher is Finishing Already This Month.

I Applied for Shoppee Job At Rango Loh, and Only Have A Slot On 12.12, I Just Replied "Yes" About It to Do The Job, I Think December Is The Moment Soldier Job Application Will Appear and Hope I Really Get It, Daily is Boring And I Think I Remember Like My Neighbour is Going For Soldier Job Too But I'm Forgetful Thinking It's A Dream, I Keep Repeating the Same Thing just Because Wanting to Have Something to Write In My Blog. My Neighbours Looks Healthy How Lucky About Their Life Without Schizophrenia and Spikes Too. I'm Unhappy How The Spike is Felt Today STRONGLY At My Legs, It's Felt A Hanging-Goodness - That's Incomplete Making Like "Wanting to Finish The Feeling"(The Solution is to Take Meth But I Won't), I Decided My Life To Be Clear From Drugs And Be Healthy for My Future Babies.

It's Weird How If Ever Talked With Neighbours Then Suddenly Different, I Imagine. I think Doctors really knew about these feelings too, the oddity. Means Neighbours also have no updates about Soldier Jobs maybe? Or I'm just too fast due to the Spike? Wanting the job to rest my heart thinking of Stability in my mind.

I Guess They maybe waiting for the Soldier Jobs to knock doors too, wow. It's really difficult life like this, my neighbour even without Schizophrenia maybe understands Life Same As Me how if parents did not give money then we're already at this age to ask is like a kid or child-like, like imagination of being retarded. Lucky neighbour have someone while I'm alone for 17 years without anyone, even Doctors only limited me into hearing "just eat medicine" as their answer, I truly want something like gains in life, sudden normal jobs instead of "cleaning training imaginations". I just remembered I haven't gone to DBS to change my old phone number into a new one, I really want this new life feelings, like 1 of Jackpot because 80244202 is planned to be used my Entire Lifetime! I'm so happy about my number pattern. Numbers written many times just because of hoping (S) or my Ex (W) and (A) decided to contact me, but they won't. I remember they will somehow believe me strongly what schizophrenia feels like because they will be having Schizophrenia too 1 day as said by psychic. I really feel like becoming a Nurse to care them then.

I think playing a lot of Computer can lead to be getting Schizophrenia? It's because of The Loss of Pleasure without Computer the Dullness we feel, it's like I was Hacking Alot Then Suddenly Doctor Stopped Me Through An Alliance Group Leader, means I decided to stop Hacking suddenly because of heeding and trusting Doctor, and for a Good Name Too, to be getting to work as Hacker and Be Selected for the best Job Available. I know I will work at O.C.B.C as The Story, I plan it to be my entire family lifetime Including my Children when they become a Hacker too. It's something like Soldier Job Attached To O.C.B.C, Soviet Union, I.M.H and S.A.F, I definitely become something in the vision of Psychic's Knowledge. A Hacker Soldier Job! Wow. I really like my Job Status and Then I Imagine Myself Learning Language of Russia and Germany, Then Definitely France Too 1 Day Because of Soviet Union, I Really Desire And Ambitious to Become Somebody Great. Why if my future is So Bright like this but my Family did not give me money? It's because of Death and it's bad to be too happy not thinking of Death of Family I Think. Because of Death and me being Top Hacker in the World like a Surprising Guinness World Record News, I feel like dead people actually can see us and communicate with us and even have wishes when they look at Us Live from The Unknown World of the Dead. It can't be like I'm eating something new recipe then the dead people don't understand how it tastes like, they maybe can feel it too, maybe while we are carrying it to throw somehow?

I remembered of Mushroom Chicken Soup and Chicken Chop poured it, as my Recipe of Chicken Chop with Sambal Honey and Maple, and Sugar. I really wanted to Cook My Family This Due To Feeling Bad How I Am Bad During My Schizophrenia, but my Family Like Don't Really Care About Me But Really Settled The Bills of Medications To Feel Different, It's Different Like Flavours and Experiences of Life Of What I Mean. Medicine is Important and It's Expensive $313+ I think for Injection and 1 Bulk Set of It, I Somehow Like The Price to be like that thinking of Imam Mahdi Only Have 313 Armies. Why are Muslims so Few As Armies?

It Makes Like: My Health is Meant For Being Army of Imam Mahdi. In the world there's so many fake Imam Mahdi and I wonder what's going to happen like why it never end fast too.

The Imagination of Hybrid Fruit Farms to be 20 Years Before It Exist(The New Species), is like a Hope of A Nicer Future, I really want True Muslims and People at Effort for It to Taste Hybrid Fruits - It's just Mixing Tree Wood. The Imagination of Red Banana makes like a Business of "Goreng Pisang or Jemput-Jemput" will be Nice that it's a Special Red Banana As It. Will My Family Even Do Such Business if they read this secretly? I think it's really nice.

I really want to feel something in life - I think the respect to the dead somehow if we can achieve something different like understanding my theory of Magnifying Glass to Aluminium can cause A Free 100°C Pan to Happen, it will definitely be Nice different type of Life Experience like Camping at Pulau Ubin or St. John Island? Wow we can really make our life different and chase before it's too late(Feeling different way of Cooking without Campfire).

Magnifying Glass and Wood Really Makes Fire But Aluminium Looks Cleaner Too?

I'm Hoping I Survive this December Until The Next G.S.T Package. I will definitely buy a lot of Chicken Chop with Rice because of Coleslaw it's for my Future Babies to be Healthy. I'm Having a Bit of Panic about Jobs at Shoppee or Not on 12.12 But It's Luckily Long Way To Go And I Remembered Doctor Stop Me From Working There Before? Means I Shouldn't Work There But I Accepted It Yesterday and Will Receive News About the Work Next Monday.