Feeling unwell

It's really weird ever since writing Lyanie's matter my blog reader dropped to minimum 3 people, I realize I keep writing the same thing over and over like a bipolar disorder, there's nothing new in my life.

I wonder what I will do next year if this year reaching June I still do not do O level mathematics first, I think I loss my vision about life to become an upgraded person became impossible, I am disallowed many matters in life because of schizophrenia, they probably treat me like a handicap person that have attitude problem so don't want me married anyway as fact, I'm so old age but they doing this to me, they let Sakinah to grow until 37 years old, and Aby until 30+ years old too, even Wahdiah grown into 37 years old, they let everyone become old, I really having a hard time about my memories I want to remember things but I just mixed up with bad or wrong information, my life really didn't grow to become a better life, it's so pathetic and I didn't grow up to become someone good at 30 years old, I'm upset despite writing blog, my parents didn't support me anything except transport money for work, they didn't want to see me grow into a happier person I guess as if I rest at sofa a lot at that time, my mother would scold me for always being at home doing nothing. I'm recovering but they expect me to be working hard already, they didn't even try for 1 year on medication focus but just made me try to live my life by myself.

I don't understand this type of care, it promoted me to feel more insanity, like they want to rage my heart, I'm so unlucky I loss so many years of a chance with a girl then they've grown old already, maybe become a flabby person already, it's really irritating how I type so long then the attention only 3 viewers, then i definitely feel demoralized about writing more, but the point is forgotten that it should be about recovery growth and Sakinah mainly.

I imagine myself remembering so many years ago 1 day 19th June or 29th June, it's really bad but life is like this, I want to remember more but it's not working manually, it takes time instead and the time is like 24 hrs each new memory, it's so bad I am remembering bad feelings ones instead of good feelings, I really don't know what to do but people just depending that I eat medicine as something that satisfies them, they should be grateful that I eat if they care, they let me suffer into a lot of thinking instead.

The Binnilu bag costs about $12+ then doctor said that I will leave the bag at 1 place for a long time until it's time to school and the bag will still look new, my memory is something like this, it's bad it means I won't go out with laptop such thing, it means I still will be poor and don't have a laptop of my own yet. I bought wired earphone because my wireless earbuds spoil on left ear one, its crazy just my first day buying that less than $10 earbud then it's spoiled already, it says waterproof but I wash with water and it spoilt instead, the wired earphone costs less than $4. The black cargo pants costs about $10 only, I really spend like this and I'm remembering myself of Aby she used to like cheap clothes for herself and always wear them nicely. I miss having feelings in life, it's been almost 1 year I loss many feelings in my life, even if I'm sad people don't care because they feel successful that I eat medicine, then they don't encourage me to take medicine correctly daily, it's really bad my life, tomorrow is May the month that I loss memory last year, so maybe it's like this, I can only remember that I quit smoking then I kept buying food until my money finishes, then I thought g.s.t money is coming every month, then June I entered I.M.H instead, I remember I was having stomach ache when they brought me there and still do such thing to me even if will pangsai, it's really crazy no chance at all, not enough time to breathe properly too.

I'm so unstable now, but luckily I have a happy point that is I no longer work, anhedonia really killed my feelings about Simba then I think I should just keep sticking to this phone line because it's actually good. I remember it will be a long time that I will use this number, my entire life as fact.

Sometimes I miss feeling the ward even if it's bad, like I did not get the chance to feel normal life like using Android at there, I wasted the entire 1.5mths with nothing and just listening to what they play on their phone including sexual sounds that's so loud even inside toilet can hear it. It feels like I ever cared for birds at there and can go out of ward many times before then suddenly decided to stay in ward, because of world war feeling, I thought everyone there "is a soldier like me(then I'm not in reality)" and we are the ones that experienced war "first hand" and refuge at I.M.H causing us to be having mental treatment is the war condition "outside"(in Singapore Public place), it's weird then theres no war at all, I wonder why schizophrenia feels this way. I'm unlucky like I'm the only mentally healthy person at ward, the rest are like obviously mentally sick, I don't have any one to talk to and no friends to communicate with, they all seem to enjoy having each other and talk a lot like all the time, I have no life instead.

There's 1 pondan that said that he will become "not as a Man" something like that, maybe he intend to become a transexual many times before then kept losing his memory then he kept forgetting to cut his penis, it's weird they are so daring, they made me imagine incest, hell imagined from gaysex(means creating hell to guys because of jealousy that they are straight and not entering hell so they rape), a lot more things then even their sister or girl appeared in a sexy wear so daring in such crazy place, I realize only I feel scared that "they get molested" while they themselves are not in fear of anything at all. They are so lucky if have a wife to visit them then even if schizophrenic they are still married first and cared of in different way, my situation nobody cares for me. My mother and sister usually bought for me redbull and Milo, then 1 time sushi, hotdog bread, etc. it's really a long time in ward and doctor didn't pity me even abit, they let me suffer in ward and I imagined their psychic stories sounded so truthful then I notice in 38 and not a psychiatrist doctor yet, means doctor said "if" or "won't" which I thought is "will", I don't know why they let me become insane in ward.

At there I thought I am right hand man secret societies of all of them I thought all of them are wanted gang leaders, my mind still like this even if I took medications, I became quite crazy even now I haven't recovered yet, I feel sad it's like this, it's like a hard feeling at inside my head now, so hopefully I'm recovering like Hisyammuddin at that time feel a hard feeling in head then he became stronger somehow, it's hard I really want to remember but I can't remember.

Right now Anaqi is having tuition and I'm reminded of doctor telling me he will be top in PSLE then I actually don't believe anymore haha, maybe it's just the voices of imagination like a type of delusion that's onto others instead.

I hope somehow my writings will be saved for my children to read, I really want them to understand me as someone weak even at this age(I will show my picture too looking strong), when I think I'm weak I feel I shouldn't have any girls at all, like a disturbance to others instead to get me the girl I want, they each don't want it to happen most probably, if not they would have offered like a blind date to go out together even, like during Lunch time, then it didn't happen, or Friday dinner, such thing, they didn't blanja me a day out with the ones I love at all. I am let be to be in pain by schizophrenia.

Like Love

Feelings became like this, I smoke storm king for now, as I can't achieve a greater life I really feel disappointed with myself, it's like the N level I decided to give up and just only done what I have learnt, then no longer learn the rest, it's really crazy, they shouldn't have brought me into I.M.H, I would've scored well for N level, nobody is siding me and letting me get a normal passing mark, it's scary how their treatment to me are not nice at all, I feel like it's an ambushed of alot of pain into my life and alot of difficulties inserted into my life, I've never seen someone so much more difficult than me other than African or Palestine, even they all get married and obtain a love story, their love life is definitely better than mine.

Just now saw Alysha at elevator so I skip the ride down and take another one because only have 1 elevator due to lift upgrade. In the end I didn't ask her for money too, it is bad how she just look at me like did nothing to my life and continued her life, it's like knowing an evil being that's let loose, my life is so unfair, the numbers or quantities of adopted family members are just displays that made me look like a nice person, they really don't care about me too how I have no money until this age as 1 example, tomorrow is another suffering because it's only May, I have 3 months to endure with $388+ bank and $15+ in wallet, I definitely think that I am deadmeat but I have to accept life for the first time that it's like this, I didn't receive jobclub money and I assume it's deducted at penalty when work as Dishwasher.

Previous post have 19 viewers then the previous one have 22 viewers, it's complicated what I think about who reads me but I don't know why people exist in a secret way. My mind are still not healthy yet, remembering the days inside ward where at this hour I would be sitting on bed waiting for time to go by then drinking plain water or outside watching birds, life is so boring they really like trap my life to feel a lot of sadness and pain, using "relationship as Haram" as their main point of not getting me the girl I want, I think to just consider the future of Wahdiah and Shahridah with me are gone and nothing more will happen between us, it's really just a sad love story successfully destroyed by Alysha, so many feelings gone from my life and it can't return nicely like I no longer have the energy to live life normally, the excitement is gone permanently because anhedonia pushes me to destroy the chances and ruin it before it can even happen again, dramatic they get nothing and satisfied Alysha for the destruction of ties between each other, my neighbours got married and have children even if schizophrenia, it's really bad my life, if they don't drama, Alysha would just be suffering already because of failure to break us apart.

I feel like destroying my blog.

Remembering psychic stories

That I would have "quit smoking" "long time ago" 1 day that on that day doctor said that he will go fishing with me, if it's not next year it's definitely this year, long time ago? When will it be definitely not October that I will quit smoking.

Soldier job to knock at doors didn't happen, tomorrow is May and I don't think I will be working yet too.

I started on Storm King again today, I really don't know what to do to my life, I feel sad like crazy like I have nothing to do, my feelings kept thinking of girls it's so uneasy and unhealthy. I remember 1 time I was thinking of Allah then hear voices shouting "ALLAHHH!" It became heating my body and heartache instead, I was in a lot of anger and I became catatonic, schizophrenia is really crazy? I wonder how my neighbours can live their life being at home most of the time, it's so boring like dragging into insanity, I hope have male neighbour that will become schizophrenic hahaha, I really have no one to talk to, I want to become part of planning a nicer life for schizophrenic people, I wonder how my neighbours not in anger or rage from the long duration of years taking medications, it's scary as hell the long years, becoming 38 is not smooth for me now, May is a long month to wait, then I have $388+ left in bank and $15+ in wallet, it's so annoying the poor life I'm becoming, I wonder what job I will become into, it's really so long and so sad feelings, I wonder what to do daily I always TikTok then maybe now anhedonia had promoted me to not feel fun while TikToking, I becoming bored of TikTok which is supposedly impossible, I become having nothing to do, my only excitement is 11th May meeting doctor seeing a change of medicine. It's really annoying I am giving up kind of feelings.

Really don't know what to do now it's only 2.23p.m, I think I'm going insane ever since yesterday, I don't know how my neighbour cope with schizophrenia, I take medicine daily but I feel bored and it became like boring instead and a dull feeling, I realize I actually have nobody and blog is not read, I feel I should stop counting the number of days I have been taking medicine and days outside ward, maybe I will delete blog after this, not caring about future children not knowing my life other than from journal.

Turning 38 but still no recovery before it, it sucks like this.

Boring

Listening to Gold 90.5F.M to feel life like it will get better but it's been so many years anyway, currently the lyric is "bring all your dreams to life", haha. I wonder what my dream in life is, it's hard to believe doctor anymore ever since my last jobclub is $914/mth as salary, then to think I would get $1400-$2000 probably just government's money, then I think I won't be a successful person already, my high scoring all became meaningless like just burnt into ashes or dusts.

The last viewers I have 14, I really want to test until only 1 viewer but it's usually like a lot most of the time anyway, it became thinking who reads like I should not blog anymore as it's stressful already.

I hate how I am not recovering yet in life, waiting for 19 June or 29 June is a long time to recover, I sometimes experience head pain anyway thinking of wanting my memories back but I cant get them back, people somehow didn't help by writing a story or piece of paper for me to remember, it's weird I really can't remember anything.

I'm trying to live a life with no lover forever like Pak Ngah, Mak Ni and Bik Minah, it's really weird having no one in life and people seem okay to let me age, I'm sad about it.

It's really sad I can't remember back anything else but memories of beautiful imaginations or wishes as fact. Became a sad feeling listening to Gold 90.5FM, I switched off the radio that I bought for $18 at Bazaar.

Since they gave up

I think it's too long and I'm left thinking of the past, I think to just give up too and end this pain of waiting and wondering if they will become my wife, any of them, I think to just masturb*te on Shahridah's Cousin and Wahdiah's Sister, their pictures maybe, I really don't know, I think it's the end and I became insane again. Then last to go is Sakinah's family members, I feel it's too long yet they feel it's nothing, I'm maybe just an entertainer to someone's life like "o anas love me until like that", haha, I don't know why an insane person have so many adopted family members, it don't make sense the imagination or definition of family is a lot of care but none take any actions for me and I'm left to struggle and into pain.

The viewers only 3 last post making me give up and feel like stopping blog, but I feel like my future children should read and know what their father's feelings are like, like why their father is insane, those girls name are the cause of insanity, maybe it's out of shame, anger mixed then I became crazy, I really see no recovery happening for me now it's almost 1 year then I feel like this. They lost me by time limit and too dramatic schizophrenic care.

Quick Long Post

I had only 3 viewers on Post about Lyanie it's like someone read my blog, the robotic feeling suddenly gone, or people just lose interest to know, I wonder who is it that reads my blog but really it's been so long but keeping quiet about it.

Today I feel bored like will I be okay the rest of the month until August? The money problem man I became is horrible the feeling like I won't get anyone to become my lover is also bad, I trying for some luck in life that someone would contact me but none did, everyone have their own mission in life, it's really complicated how my life became, will I really be learning Psychology at all? I feel like "since no contact, lose contact chances", like just deleting my blog and I become a boring life again for many times like a self-damage to myself, it's really hard but my life is really no gains really, the $311.28 earned are too little salary that I am just surviving now. I hope I have created myself a smoke-free person then nothing feels heavy anymore.

I'm thinking of what happiness I will get in life if my family all treat me the same like not giving me gains in life, Mak Ni gave me $10 and $30 vouchers, I'm so happy about it but I have to walk all the way to C.W.P to spend it on Sushi, it's really a sad life experience for me. I saw video of Ustaz telling to sujud then I remembered I used to Sujud alot then still no gains in life, in fact I quit C.o.C special limits and my mother paid $5K for the bond, it's harsh my schizophrenic life I became not gaining anything and doctor didn't stop me from losing money, it's really sad psychic maybe not psychic and everything was planned to happen, as a person's decision on a matter is always the same? I really don't know how they know things.

Lyanie's title post only have 3 viewers, then the previous post I only have 8 viewers, it's quite unsatisfaction feeling, it feels like robots only around like 3 of them at 11+p.m? Maybe I really have no readers after all.

I try to live back the exciting feelings but writing more post then I wonder I just have to pass May and June then I feel complete success then I can stop counting the number of days I've been taking medications, because 1 year is just the goal, 38 years old is the recovery then I am not told which month is it, there's 12 months to go through once I hit 38 years old and it could be late 38 years old reaching 39 years old, next year June 18?! Wow it's harsh I really want to recover but it's like this the pain.

My neighbours seem more stable and I am jealous how nice their life is even with schizophrenia they can have children while me my medicine gives me anhedonia I definitely don't feel the lust at all, I watch sexy videos like dangdut then it don't arouse me anything, it means I can't get married I think, I don't feel anything for girls, I think I'm crazy man as fact. Maybe my neighbours are only schizophrenia but if me I'm leaning towards insanity? Wow, how people are confident that we schizophrenic walk alone in life, we kept losing memories, we mistake people's face as someone else, we may accidentally talk to people, but people let us walk alone in life without care or company, it's really weird type of care, the independence is pushed like even Singapore obtained help of British before independence, I don't know why a schizophrenic is not worried of to walk alone, it's just our luck some days we are fine, for me I feel like I need a guide but my neighbours I don't know, I hope a schizophrenic male neighbour shift house to level 8 or 9 or something haha then have something to talk about, I've been living with my neighbours for so long and i think doctor said if I go to U.S.A to migrate, all my neighbours will go to U.S.A also, it's cool story, it's weird why it's like this.

Then the new schizophrenic will be my neighbour but she's a girl also(daughter of my schizophrenic neighbour), thats what doctor said, theres no male schizophrenic that I will experience that will luck into meeting doctors again and again or even a plan to care their future, I am not included in any special plans of people's life, hahaha. I'm so bored I really only want doctors for psychic stories something that can make me feel happy and achieve in life. I'm thinking of June if I will meet someone new in my life, it's really harsh people let me be alone then I have nobody, I think their thinking is I'm actually unstable to have a girlfriend? Then they actually promoted for me to be single than having someone in life? I think people feel im crazy that's why they don't search for me someone to go out with, I'm reaching 38 years old anyway, it means nobody cares that I'm alone in life?

Wow to be 39/40/41 years old, it's really hard if I get a child by then, I'm so old but doctors and my family or relatives don't mind that I have children so late in life, if I'm 50 years old then I have 1 children? Wow they're so bad to me, even my sister have babies at 30 years old I think or 31 as oldest. I feel like doing the spermbank and having my own children in a different way like if I did then Sakinah can decide to marry me and have my child? Haha. She's really becoming so old and people don't fear us dying at all, it's so sad their effort doesn't push us to be together, they let us grow old and becoming weaker in life. My sperms are psychics anyway as doctor said my future children are psychics, they will know how to hack at 6 years old from me, wow. The youngest hacker family? It's so fun I am remembering about a hacker life if it will happen, then doctor will employ 2 Alysha's ex boyfriend(maybe they broke up already, then the 2nd one is on the way?) to work for me, and they will become the top worker in my database editor job, that's what doctor said, I hope it happens soon.

I'm so sad how I lose people like they are not precious in my life, when I feel missing someone I want it to last but then it's quite scary if it became like missing Sakinah, it's so painful like the rage and everything, I remember even if I pray I was not cured or healed, I thought I'm Dajjal family instead and will win the war against Islam because I'm not an incest lineage like story of Dajjal. It's really bad I really wanted hybrid fruits to happen in life to eat them but there's no information about it at all, I wonder why people are not making hybrid fruits. If I start at 43, I plan to learn Jawi, Arab, Akhlak etc. all over again, around 42 or 43 years old, like a class to have exams, it's late but then at that age hopefully I have money to make my own fruit plantations to hybrid them so growth of fruit is 2 different sources of flavours(the stem), I really want Muslims to be "lebih untung" like story of Al-Quran but I don't mind if investors are not Muslims to also feel the fruits because they are special kind of connection like "a person that I wouldnt have sexual feelings on due to maintaining the connection/friendship". I wonder how it will all happen, I remember last time if Mango and Durian, it will become a sweeter durian, something like that, I really want the Hybrid to happen to have farm of my own.

Day 259 outside(307 on medications)

Don't know why yesterday I think of Lyanie, then the songs on TikTok kinda matching my feelings, I think of her daily but then yesterday was a lot.

I took my medicine around 8a.m today, I dreamt alot like cooking competition, sepak takraw where my friend kick a takraw ball from level 2 to me, it was cool, I don't know how to play takraw or timbang bola but then in the dream I was quite good, yesterday the dream I had argument with my friend and "his wife", something like understanding the pain of "being a good person is like a tied feeling", then I dreamt of Saw Puppet, the movie Saw calling it Jigsaw, it was crazy in the dream I experience like a tied feeling then my friend's wife kept crying for me to let me go and have fun in life.

I dreamt something about 7th storey cooking competition location, then that's all I think, it's a lot so these are the ones that I remember.

Lately my dreams express my heart of complicated matters and situation of my life, it ease me abit my heart felt relieved.

I'm happy now is 30th April, it's going to be month of May then it's going to be June, meeting my 1 year of medications, then the grand feeling of July, I wonder if I will feel it this year outside in Singapore, it's a grand feeling I hope I don't get warded again.

My readiness of being warded is real like I am prepared to write a blog while inside ward to be telling what I am upset about, I somehow will hate the feeling of being in ward because the boredom is like a jail feeling, maybe an American type of jail where television exist and can use phone, it's really harsh and quite crazy feelings.

I hope I don't write people's name anymore when I wrote of Lyanie yesterday I feel bad and like a psycho, I feel like I loss my memory but then it's okay maybe it's something not important, but what if it is important anyway, I can't remember what really happened between me and her she suddenly gone from my life is the point. Today I will feel like writing journal is the life I'm getting for not smoking, then I want such life of true happiness to feel like a growth in my life. It's really bad how people dont really care I don't get my Sakinah then it's really like that the reality that's inescapable, they have no same feelings of my heart then their effort is like not strong enough to make me feel special, it's really bad my health thinking of love. I read that thinking of people gives us sickness while thinking of Allah is the cure, it's really bad how Sakinah made me think of her so much without feeling guilty.

I don't matter anything

I don't feel special, I mean nothing to the girls that left me when I loss my memory, they didn't really attempt to make me remember everything but only 1 try from Wahdiah, it's so late but she really tried only once, I'm sad at the girls' efforts, it's like a marriage kind of love but the tries are so little or few, they should make me remember not make me think that they think I am pretending to forget, I definitely forgot if not I don't lose my memory and leave them, it's stupid they're suddenly gone from my life for real then it's lasting until now I'm turning 38 years old, it's really sad I have nobody to love me, my life is so meaningless, tomorrow I have 2 sticks left then I feel like quitting again, I really don't know what will happen to me, it's really sad my life is like the saddest story in the world but nobody really knows because I can only express so much in blog not every feeling that I feel maybe psychic don't really know at all, they really let me feel the burning pain for so many years of my life, they don't really care, maybe when they adopted me I was a cute baby then when I've grown they don't care anymore.

I feel like earning a lot of money myself and survive then fuck prostitutes until pregnant, to ruin my family tree if nobody cares to get Sakinah for me, it's a waste of time like every minute matters but they just living their life like I don't fall in love yet, none even tried for Shahridah and Wahdiah like they rather I get a useless life of loneliness, their care is stupid I don't understand at all. Then I'm left to be the one trying to be smarter in the world, I'm the only 100% subject scorer in family I think, I really don't know about my 2nd sister but she's express stream anyway that takes O level twice, I'm definitely the smartest in family but lowest qualification and success, then if compared to my relative I am still nothing no matter how successful I have ever achieved in life if not they would feel so happy for me and celebrate with me but none did anything they left my life living on my own.

I'm sad of my own life they didn't anticipate I would feel rage and loss memory or feel heat burning me, they just remain not being nice to me like I have an attitude problem, they really don't care about me.

Listening to Sakinah's mix like an angry feeling anyway, but I heard about "you are my Sunshine my only Sunshine" it reminds me of her in M.R.T I told her that's my most fastest expression if a song to express my love to her as want her the fastest, I think I'm getting her when she's closed her clothes everything when she opens herself during sports in school and younger too, she really didn't give me herself and I feel boring and sad, I'm so angry nothing works, I'm left growing old like I will never die.

Remembering days

That is quite recent moment, I bought redbullz thinking I would quit buying Redbull but I did not, it is however good that it gives me a heavy sleep then maybe it's good every late afternoon.

I'm still not sure who reads me there's total of 22 viewers my last post, not sure if any of my friend read me but don't know why they let me go through this recovery by myself, no one accompanied me anything it's almost 1 year already.

I wonder when I will open the forumco, it's to create friends and family+adopted family to post updates of life then doctors didn't update me on how to do it, it's really boring having no communication with anyone else only Family Whatsapp group that is usually preach videos from my mother, I'm so bored life is like this, I wonder how next year will be fun for me but I hope it will be lightweight year in my life, I still have PSEA to use then maybe to just use that to apply for O level, I really hope I will be fine, there's no energetic encouragement like how Aqmar my nephew will get, they however scoring high in school like bursaries means high scorers I think.

I feel like my life meant to be quiet growth or silent growth on my own, be it about quitting cigarette or not, people just don't like me to be happier in life, I don't know why it's like that, I don't have the powerful feeling about life but I truly have a goal what kind of life I want, it's supposedly 30 years old then I guess such life is only around 50 or 60 years old, I'm meant to get Sakinah's old body if I get her as she made me this way, to wait so long instead of giving herself to me, but I still love her anyway, a virgin made to not appear as a virgin because of monkeyface have ruined her profile views or status like understanding experiences, it's really sad she ruined herself just like that, 1 day is so special for the soulmate but she gave herself away to other man, it's weird decision and stupid like a true fool but then I love her I can't do anything about loving a fool. I hope I recover from this sickness maybe causing me to love a fool, I'm sad like crazy, even her playlist song have about "fuck half past 5", it's really sad to imagine her sex is alot of anger but she really wanting me to loss memory I assume, it's bad when I remembered about her then I restarted to use Spotify and see it again I thought it's my first time again, then she don't accompany me daily like a story time of each day but I have to be independent like marrying an old woman that will die first and can't take care of me so it's a test of independent strength, it's really sad I'm turning 38 and she's already 37, then the life didn't change and I am like a sucker. It's like sucking my own thumb for her love, she's stupid as hell when she did that, but I love a stupid fool, it's quite crazy sickness I hope I recover from this lovesickness like a reality strike back like she suddenly have own children or happily married, her profile photo didn't express her as married or couple it means she's not too anyway? Everyone wants to be the Facebook photo of lover or soulmate or spouse, then the monkeyface didn't get that but this kind of unknown treatment to me too, it's too sad and pathetic my tries, I should focus on school next year and forget about her.

Some matter of life settled

I'm now being jobless without any calls from jobclub anymore because if I want then to tell doctor I want to be back at OcTave(Jobclub), means I won't be doing that and it's a free time always until August, I will look out for jobs and see my luck how it goes, I hope I get a good job like story of doctor to be earning $1400-$2000 as my first salary, it's really a lot and I sound hardworking, I really wonder what job is it, I also wrote in my journal "I hope I will save $5K like doctor's psychic stories". Haha, I really want to be someone that have a life.

I bought the Binnilu bag, waiting for it to reach me around 7th May it state as that, I'm really happy about the bag it's so nice and have nice pockets area, I'm really satisfied with the buy and waiting for it to reach me. I feel like I will be learning Mathematics Physics Chemistry on my own 1 day, then Social Studies and History, O level, then the only things left are English and Malay language, I really think if I succeed in O level like stories of doctor, I will become someone valuable to be employed and O level is enough to become a wanted person at a job, scoring high especially. I know doctor ever said I will become famous on TV passing my O levels, then I really don't know if such thing will even happen, it's really harsh doctor didn't remind me about it but let me feel the pressure instead, it's weird I really want to feel lighten up about this kind of matter in my life. Doctor also said I will pass A level with flying colours and Psychology also, 3 straight rows of different exams, but I thought Psychology have no exams? Haha.

Then what about story of doctor I will be soldier job then Part Time O level? I told doctor I wanted to take Full Time O level instead though, then it's maybe that I won't become a soldier yet and doctor is just hiding the "if" in front of his stories, it's really difficult when doctor don't speak or tell clearly, I become confuse in future(presently) if he/they lied to me anything, I have confidence in their words only because I scored 100% all subject in N level, only thing I'm proud of myself, I'm hoping I get a good job then earning myself money to be buying O level books, but then it will start in June if my work/job starts in May, then it means I only have 6 months to study O level first before next year. It's really harsh how will I be okay without anyone guiding me? I really feel so random and feel like just buying the books, but I remember N level I didn't need to do that but still scored 100%, it's just the imagination that O level will much more difficult, I really want to excel in it.

It's a really heavy feelings then I am thinking what job is it the 1.4-2k salary, it's so many times in my mind like hearing voices, then I worry it's Alysha but I don't think so, I think doctor is right, as I never wanted to be a useless person but someone stable in life.

I remember it will be the same bag Binnilu brand that I will be using for O level that I already bought and will be receiving on 7th May onwards, I really wish for a healthy feeling like a lot of success and growth coming into my life instead of alot of dullness, I remember doctor saying if I quit smoking I will feel the life that I want, the journal type of feelings, it's imagination of growth, like Sunflower in the morning beside Window or sitting outside of house in America drinking White Coffee, wow I really want such life like a lot of patient kind of person, or someone successful so became very relaxing every morning, then it cant happen in Singapore the way the design of house is, I really need to buy my own table and chairs or sofa in my room, like including a roundtable corner to eat, I really want to feel my life that's so hard to achieve.

I remember June during my birthday, Epul will visit my home to give me a computer and money, but I'm not sure if he forgotten me because it's been since N.S days, he said he treat me like a real brother, that's why he's like that to me, so I really don't know why a real brother doesn't contact me then, really bored like crazy, even Zik had forgotten me ever since he ride motorcycle, life is boring ever since he's gotten his own life/ride. Then I absolutely have no friends left other than Woodlands: Sadiq, Razli, Izzuddin then Naim joined 4 of us last time to hangout then it became the 5 of us that never contact each other is only me alone I guess, it's really crazy I have no friends at all everyone is too occupied in their own life and doctor didn't help me get my friends back telling that I am recovering soon, then still I live a life alone thinking of success, I remember about Masjid Tentera Di-Raja people telling me to belajar ugama first something like that, I really feel like doing their advises but I really don't know how now, I feel like messaging Ustaz Harun but I wonder why he don't message me anyway, maybe because he's High Status while I'm nothing and he's busy working anyway, I really need to become somebody first for support that I hope are not semangat 2-minit kind of thing.

I really imagine all my adopted family to write a blog on the same website with me then I think I will be the most adopted person in the world probably, hahaha, so many and a lot of high status, then none of them in touch with me because I have schizophrenia, I wonder what they think of me as fact.

Right now is 29 April I'm at Absolute Freedom until August, I will slowly look for jobs that I will somehow land on $1.4-$2K salary that I won't remember or know I will stay at the job, it's really crazy doctor made me so happy then I don't know what job is it, it's a mystery of my life then I just wonder if its actually just government money again and I still will be poor until August, such thing in my mind. I will be poor until August? Wow, it means that Epul won't be giving me money in June like he said, then Zik too, etc. all of them ever promised me money on my 38 years old birthday, I wonder why it's like that, why I experience feeling like "knowing future of over 10 years but don't know if it's true because it's too long over 10 years", then I still expect a happiness thing to happen and not at the same time. It's really sad nobody contact me or talk about money, do they really want me to suffer or pity me as a friend? I'll just see in 1 month+. 

Making myself "feeling it"

Today's post got 19 viewers then previous post 7 viewers.

I started to remember about doctor saying I would buy "Binnilu" brand bag because it's so nice looking black and white colour, then it's a story that I am O level at that time, means I will take O level next year? I wonder such thing, it feels close, I hope it happens, I just trying to make my life feeling growth of pleasure, thinking of what doctor have said, then I still wonder about the $1400-$2000 as my first salary this year, I wonder what I will work as at that time that I would forget about money already, it's really a pleasure to remember what doctor have said especially that I will save $5K+ from 5K savings envelope, I'm really excited about my future to become someone stable in my imagination, I really hope I become someone stable faster than my imagination, it's a try to be happy kind of decisions then I just try to make myself feeling valuable person I really want my journey to be pleasant and exciting to write in journal, and my future children to see the changes in my life through journal reading, it's really important and I hope they will be able to talk to me as doctors said they will be psychics, I hope I dream of them and "have communicated" with them 1 day before I get married, I really want to be psychic in 3 years and I plan to work hard next year. Someone successful is what I want to become, not a lazy job kind of person and to work something that I will enjoy.

It looks like being a psychiatrist is easy because always the same medications: risperidone and haloperidol, if hear voices just must take more, then injection if skip medicine alot then fluoxetine 1 or 2 capsules, it looks really easy to become a psychiatrist, I really hope I get to become 1, then if suicidal feeling, to give the suicidal type of medicine, it's really easy looking at doctor working my life journey into what I am becoming in life.

I still want to pelihara pigeons like white head and brown body, more white and some black, totally white pigeon - then also I still want to make "we walk for ghost" ghost hunting adventure group to explore abandoned places, to bring my nephews and niece with lorry 1 day to feel the adventure together, it would really be a nice feeling. I also want to feel a camping trip kind of feelings, but easily like having rice and buying packets of chicken to eat nice still at camping trip, then to fish during camping trip will be a cool feeling too.

I wonder if I will get to do all these in my life, I'm so old already then I have a lot to live life like I wished and imagined, I want a happy pleasant life, like reading books in the morning drinking white coffee, I really want an American kind of house to live in. Life is really hard then I'm going to be 40 years old soon then still have no savings except the ones I currently have, it's really crazy the difficulty is a lot of pressure in life, I really don't want to feel complicated or difficult but I still feel like a weight to feel in my heart, it's totally like a lot of anger too due to my low achievement in life, I'm the lowest achievement among my family and relatives, I'm the weakest achievement too, I feel so bad in my life that I can't be a greater person than I am currently, I only seem to get better every year because of taking medications, I plan this year's journey to be successfully in taking medicine and hope the energetic feelings doesn't end, to be cured as goal.

It's reaching May but my memories are still the same, my dreams are becoming weirder and complicated to remember, like the other time I dreamt of my cousin Fidah in elevator with nenek gemok, naming herself as Phoebe("Fibi" as pronunciation), I wonder what all these means, why I dream of someone I rarely talk with? The dream is also complicated that I somehow think of them because of the dream, if not maybe I wouldn't think so much?

After Hari Raya ends I will park my bicycle back outside and hope I become a cycling person like I first planned my life to become after going out of ward, cycling as an exercise is the main goal to do. Once peha/thigh feels in pain from exercise the nice feelings in body will happen, like a lot of relaxation from resting due to tired exercising. It really takes a lot of time and effort, now Hari Raya still maybe not over then bicycle hard to take out of home because at a hard-to-get places to make house look neat.

Now it's 11.03 a.m then 2p.m I will go out of house to go Amoy Street to send back my shirt, I hope I bump into someone important but I don't think it will happen, I will have another day of meaningless life journey to send shirt as the goal to complete today, then I will feel totally rested at home, wow I like the coming feelings, I hope I will have a lot of rest like proper ones then getting myself a job and work hard for the $5K+ savings that doctor said that I will do. Wow, is life changing really this year? I really can't wait.

Heal from video

A video I took made me hear voices like voices of girl, then it's 402 viewers, it's the most viewers of all videos I took, it made me recover that I was hearing voices on Shahridah's phonecall then in video I was alone then her voice exist again it's weird my memory like that, I think I'm recovering and knowing she was alone at that time and not with someone else, hearing voices really painful but I experience hearing voices and video evidence that I myself was alone at that time, so it's impossible that Shahridah was cheating on me, I hate the voices exist into my life, the plot of Alysha was successful in creating anhedonia to me then the rest continued from my schizophrenia, it's really bad I took medicines daily but the voices still exist, it's like a freaky ghost story supposedly but it's in the afternoon so I can't really do anything about it, as knowing I was alone then I know everything was just a lie of Alysha that schizophrenia promoted me to continue feeling her lies as true. It's sad how I experience schizophrenia and loss Shahridah from my life then she didn't turn back and come into my life to save me from schizophrenia, she really live her life becoming a teacher at primary school and left me all alone.

The experience from hearing voices(schizophrenia) really ruined my feelings in life, anhedonia was created to feel loss of pleasure multiple times then catatonic maybe the heartache that I get most of the time from hearing voices, it's been so many years yet I remember fresh in my mind because of medicine and because I feel 21 years like within 1 year of my life only, I really hope I don't miss life too much, as Dina have grown up to be 19 years old then she was 3 years old, means it's been 16 years as fact that I loss Shahridah, it's weird she didn't miss me at all could be a lie then what makes her contact other fat man example maybe it's her relative? It's weird I hope she's loyal and come back to me somehow, I really became a difficult person then if any of the girls came back they have to support me instead, I feel bad that schizophrenia made me hard to work properly in life and can't be a stable person. It's really sad how my life became from schizophrenia, nobody helps me to understand my sickness from schizophrenia instead of giving me treatment like it's my attitude problem, they're really not nice to me somehow and promoted the continuation of feelings to smoke(due to anger) and skip medications, I really hope everyone became nicer to me understanding me as having schizophrenia instead of my attitude problem, it's a continuous anhedonic feelings of many matters that I suddenly will regret "after wanting to do it or have it", it's really bad but they treat me like I have attitude problem in the past.

Now is the best time for Shahridah to refresh my memory but shes not around or don't appear in my life, I feel bad how I thought bad things really happened and Alysha promoted the support to hide such cheating occurrences instead, means story of Alysha promoted the cheating to believed as Alysha's story was my mindset at that time, I really loss my life pleasures and experiences but the girls are living their life without me. I don't know why no Muslim teachers thats level like psychic or Wali Allah(known as someone "who knows") helps me talk to Shahridah and Wahdiah, including Sakinah. But then there exist story of an Ustaz that steals money, but then I would want Ustaz Harun to help me instead because of trusting him, it's really bad my life I can't communicate or tell the girls anything except wish they have an idea of what I was feeling and thinking at that time to not be angry at me. They will experience schizophrenia themselves too then they will realize I didn't lie about hearing voices, I think then they will forgive me, but I don't know how many years it will be for them to experience schizophrenia then understanding me, it's really a long time for them to believe me in a deeper understanding of the feelings, schizophrenia really makes hearing voices that aren't around and it's really sad life is like that.

Day 258 outside(306 on medications)

Wow today such a heavy wake up from bed, I woke up and bought redbull to make myself feel more refreshed and energized then at home I shower while listening to Spotify "Sakinah's Mix" Playlist, just 2 songs then the end of shower for me it was quite fast.

Today I will be sending my shirt back to Amoy Street, I really hope everything is smooth, I plan to send at 3p.m and going out at 2p.m later, it will be fast so I hope I remember the route to that place too.

Yesterday I wrote journal some lines about sending my shirt back today then that's all. I really hope journal fills up nicely and neatly. I highlight the date yellow in colour and the time green in colour, it looks quite becoming beautiful content.

I don't know if have notifications to Sakinah when I save her playlist, but I hope she noticed me or something, it's been so long then I endured schizophrenia without true pleasure coming into my life except food sometimes, I remember about Wahdiah that she thought I would be hospitalized when I loss my memory then I was not, it was bad then we didn't meet up, I'm sad our life becomes nothing in the end I'm turning 38 years old soon now then there's nothing I can do about it. Shahridah also sadly didn't contact me again and left me alone for so long, there's no try to reach at all and I'm also sad about the effort done as so little to nothing only.

Tomorrow going out

Finally taking the train again, going to Maxwell to send back my Shirt to the Workplace, it's troublesome like costing ez-link, it's better if spend to meet Sakinah but I can't do that as don't know where she's at, I'm so unlucky in life, like a magnet to unlucky feelings in life.

I don't know why it's like this, I'm left alone for so long so many years, then I feel like I will have money for mathematics, physics and chemistry, then I still feel poor and don't have anything at all, it feels like doctor can tell me where I will get money from but then he won't as his choice. I'm left thinking by myself many times, this is neverending kind of stress.

Why is it like this my life? Why I was created to feel that I will get money? It's such a horrible feeling like showing a kid $50 then taking it back, it's really crazy the Alysha, my main unluckiness in life is by her.

I only have 1 month of May left to continue understanding Iqra 1 day and then hopefully by June I know how to read Al-Quran, it's funny but I really in a rush about it then I don't know if I can make it, it's really hard the thinking if I will become a successful person that reads Al-Quran, then I wonder if the time spent on it will decrease knowledge on other matters of life like O level subjects because of time spent on Al-Quran instead of O level stuff, I really don't know what's happening to me, I feel like I can read normal Iqra but then there's more signs to understand, I just will need to ask my mother I think, it's really hard I am by my own self on this, and I remember it's going to be like 39 years old then I know how to read Al-Quran, it takes so long like 1year+ left, I would spend time on Al-Quran instead of revising for my subject next year? I wonder such thing.

It's harsh I remember doctor saying I will do O level Mathematics then scoring All 100%, then at that time I will be working at foodstall type of places? I really cant remember what I will work as, it's really hard my life have to be this way.

Still don't know what's happening

In 3 days it's May then I should have found a job by then, I really want to see myself growing to become someone stronger in education as N level is considered as nothing in life, it's an achievement that nobody sees or look up to. In the past I have schizophrenia causing me hard to school, but my parents regard me as attitude problem instead of schizophrenia, it's weird that nobody cares about my life properly, the medication is perfectly just like that daily everyday 2 Fluoxetine every morning, but it's maybe changing 11th May and I can't wait for it to happen, life will become different as anhedonia will be removed from my life, finally I will feel something fast like playing games became smooth again, something that always finish the hours of life I have daily. But maybe I'm going to be working anyway, so I really don't know what's going to happen.

I still wonder about my unknown happiness this year, it's the job and salary, it's something fixed that it will happen but I'm not sure how it will happen, I am really stress and happy at the same time, it's a mixture of 2 emotions because of knowing future from psychic and then not sure if psychic is true too.

Today is only Tuesday, it's a boring 2nd working day this week, then I can't be strong enough to know from doctors the jobs that I will work at, it's really a wait and something unknown, I can't guess it too, weirdly, it's so heavy my life I just want a lighter feeling, if I'm really doing Mathematics, Physics and Chemistry, when is it? Where will I get the money from? No one is telling me if I will get money at all except the imaginations done by Alysha was too much that I started to not expect anything at all. I really want to do well in life, soon it's 5th Month of the year, then 7 more months to be next year, a year that I maybe will O level, in the past when I N level I usually became sleepy after school, so I don't know if I will hangout or hang around after school, maybe I will go home straight away, but I really don't know what's going to happen, the imagination of R is something I'm unsure about if she's real or true about it, it's been so many years, I really want to find out why someone love me so much instead of giving up to memory loss, I only remember like this then it's not full memory, maybe it's too little memory too, it's hard and crazy, I'm left alone for so long that I don't want it to be longer but life have to be this way.

800th Post

Wow it's so many, I wonder if it gets printed at all, my Baby will read 800 Pages that's unknown length each time? Haha, I don't think so, should I delete this blog since I have no life and Sakinah is not coming to save my life from hell? Without her it feels like Hell exist, when she's around I feel heavenly and happy, it's so sad without her that it grows to become like a pain to feel and wanting to feel in pain like a self-damage, I really can't do anything about my feelings. Yesterday I thought to myself, "is this reality?", life feels like a nightmare and I realize I am aware about life surrounding me, not like someone tak sedar diri, it's weird the cure didn't want to become the cure for me, they rather be far away then live their life themselves, none of my cure appears in my life. I feel sad about it.

I don't know why doctor said that I won't remember about the money that I am said to earn $1400-$2000, then it's mixture of government money in mind as the information, then black cargo pants as something true that I bought it, waiting for the arrival, then I really have nothing else to do just living my life thinking if I wasted money or not. For around $25 I bought 2 books to read by myself, I hope I can do it right or somehow have the time for it, if October I'm quitting smoking instead of Solat, I really don't think I will start work in October because doctor said that I will save $5K this year, it's maybe at least 5 months or 6 months, I really don't know. Nobody tip or hint me what doctor have told them about my future job, but I'm left clueless about it, I really have no jobs now and thinking how to survive until August. I have to understand myself as someone that won't smoke for 1 month causing the quit of cigarette to happen or something, it can't be that I would finish my money on smoking, it's definitely something else.

I have no one guiding me in life, the common sense like to become someone that read Al-Quran if don't obtain love like hard to happen now since it's April going to be May, like the end is really close as I wanted to read Al-Quran in June supposedly, I wonder how I can do it. I'm like a lazy person daily then no support of my parents which is sad that their calculation is only to support my transportation to work, that's all, I really need something like a better support but then it's the end for me, it's only 1 as their rule(understanding their way, it's their savings rule I think), I really feel hopeless like I can't enjoy myself at this age, at year of age 39 I will school O level and at year of age 40 I will school A level, life's really slow for me and I don't think I can make it to live normally like other people. I'm so unstable in my mind, there's no way I can hold on like this like a tragedy in life that I have schizophrenia, anhedonia, lovesick, catatonia maybe the heat in my body, then money problem that I cant escape into a nicer feeling without it. I've seen myself as a useless man and I don't think girls will actually love me at all.

When I close my eyes I vision a blindfolded bodybuilder with black t-shirt I wonder what it means, why are my eyes like this?

I'm so tired of my life experiences, yesterday my journal was some lines but it was okay I guess, I assume I won't be writing journal much because of nothing really to write, the feelings supposedly to be everyday but daily I just take medicine becoming 1 year then it's the same the 2nd year I assume, I was made to imagine as receiving money from Alysha then I didn't have way to block my memories from hearing about money, it's really sad that it's like this, in few days it's going to be 1 month+ left for my birthday but I'm not too happy about it, I really don't know what I can be happy about, I'm so unlucky in my life having nothing most of the time.

I feel like working Pest Control but they handle rats and too many cockroaches I assume then it will be bad for me, it's too disgusting I think then I have no wish to work as that. I'm thinking of factory that I get bored easily, then anhedonia maybe promoted the quitting many times, then I really don't know what kind of job I will work as, I'm too old to apply for I.T related jobs and I don't have much skills in it except for hacking. I'm shocked how I am not a genius in computer hardware but someone that have hacking as a skill, people say a hacker never tells that they're a hacker but I assume only nerds will not tell or lie that they're hackers.

It's 800th Post this one then I wonder if someone printed all due to boredom or wanting to tell me what voices I hear, it's really bad I can hear wrong information and believe it strongly when I have schizophrenia, the torture of how not being given money is something serious in my life that it made me feel like an orphan, I hope it ends and I just get a job but then my future like don't match doctor's words, if I'm going to forget that I will get $1400-$2000 as my first salary, doesn't it mean that I won't take medicine or taking it too much again? Why won't I realize "this job is the one doctor talked about" until the payday? I hope someone makes me happier in life like appearance of Keledek as my mother yesterday's cooking. Hahaha. I hope I find something nice to do now but its 800th Post, most probably I will TikTok after this, it should be longer than usual due to the boredom I feel.

Peaceful ending

Just told to give back my uniform and it's settled, I hope it's the end of stress already and I can live peacefully alone taking medications daily, I don't know when I will get a job that's $1400 salary as said by doctor on my first month, even hearing close to $2000 then it's like total of money from government instead, it's weird the confusion, I was known to buy the black cargo pants and I really bought it then i quit this job then I wonder what I'm going to do.

I wonder if I will be okay, there's just a panic feelings in me that I can't control and just surviving sometimes it just happens, I wonder if I will work as dishwasher again or something else, I really have the chef/kitchen shoes and bought the black cargo pants intended for work then I really can't do it, it's weird they just letting me live my life like a survivor instead of living freely and earning money, I don't know why Sakinah don't mind that I suffer in life like she have doctors around but didn't talk things out for me like my parents to give me money, it's really bad my life, even Wahdiah and Shahridah didn't effort that I live a nicer feeling kind of life instead of hardship and poor life, they are not a caring standard I feel and I think my life as actually gone. It's really bad I will be going to Maxwell tomorrow to send back the shirt then I feel like going City Hall at the same time but then I guess it's okay anyway, I really don't know where is Sakinah at, I loss my memory and she really just living her life instead of thinking like I've been thinking of her for a long time, like what's on my mind, then she don't care I'm so occupied in life thinking of her then she didn't even offer lightness to occur to me, she just working daily then weekends with her niece maybe then she didn't spend time on me at all, then I remember during her old days, she got so limited time then it's for "Nur Iman" instead? I got to feel like what she placed me to feel like "she had sex with Nur Iman" was to be imagined by me because of her last photo, then I really can't believe such thing somehow, is it denial? Should I try to forget her already, it's like going to be my last post writing about her. Blog is about feelings anyway.

My life from 17 years old until 38 years old(soon) is horrible and a lot of memories loss since N level days, it was continuous then it became stronger in N.S it was worse and continued after N.S it became so heavy lovesick and schizophrenia, then nobody treated me like an ambulance to Sakinah as a healing method, it's too bad my life became like that, she's just expressing what in her life? What is she trying to do to me? If she don't like me why she accept the attention of my adopted families?

I miss the old days of life like school and studying at b.m.c, I want such feeling to come back but I'm so old, I wonder if I will take O level again, doctor said my heart will be asking for help from doctor in December 2026, then it means I'm still suffer at 38 years old, it's sad like that but the reality is I have visioned myself in pain in future then it means I don't see that I have recovered at all, why is it so horrible my life? Why I have this 2 in 1 schizophrenia and lovesick, then anhedonia then Alysha in my life, it's like a haunting of Alysha like a Secret Terrorist in my life, "just due to not beating her i suffer because of what she said to me", I was just being kind and not like a bully, she's so bad to me in life I wonder when she will become nicer again or even say sorry, it's so many years but the outcome is I live my life without her saying sorry to me, now going to be 40 years old in 2yrs+, wow, I'm so old and nobody worries that I don't have a child yet, all my siblings have own child/children already, they really left me without a life, I'm so sad of this suffering in life, I can't be strong like a normal couple where the man is the breadwinner and girl live life as a housewife, I'm so bad in my life earnings and always feeling weak and pathetic efforts, it's really crazy how people let me live my life like nothing and they don't mind that they don't support me achieve in life.

My post of almost being 800 in total, then it's so many pages then I wonder if my future children will read or feel bored about it, the point is they will be psychics then will always be knowing anyway, why would they want to read me anyway? Then another thing is will I have children at all if I vision myself as someone that won't get married? It's really crazy my daily life, I'm so upset to the max.

Day 257 outside(305 on medications)

Wow the backpain is still felt as something painful to my body, the work at Amoy Street gave me such pain. The O.T replied that I won't get any salary for my 4 hours of work, sadly it's really like that even if I work properly, the trial was 4 hours and money gone just like that.

Today I took medicine as usual but at around 8.30a.m, I felt sleepy and heavy to wake up but I just do it anyway just for the medicine, it's really like a hike of mountain feeling to take medication daily but I did. I'm happy I only have 60 more days left to eat medicine.

Yesterday I dreamt of Nenek Gemok, and a lot of dead fishes and going up an elevator, I wonder what it means. It's really weird and in the elevator I saw a girl named Phoebe and looks like my cousin Fidah then it's actually Fidah using a different name because in the dream she's a popular to get by guys. The dream is weird and meaningless I think, I wonder why I dreamt something like that.

The hope to gain $5K savings like dying off and I'm left wondering why doctor told me like that, I'm supposed to save $5K+ this year or including next year but it's like this, it's really sad that even $5K is like getting a medal for me, other people earn money easily every month while I'm struggling and became a poor life because of lovesick and schizophrenia, I'm meant to not be able to get the girl of my wish I think, it's really sad that it's like this but everyone is living their life the same without caring support for me. The girl of my wish also didn't care that a man can't work due to schizophrenia and lovesick then family didn't support like giving money to save like teenage boys days having girlfriend is from own pocket money saved anyway to go out with a girl, then it's like this instead, I really feel hopeless and like nobody will help me get the life that I hoped for.

I remember like doctor saying I won't remember about the work $1400/mth first month salary and just work anyway then finally earning that much, it's going to be this year then I won't remember during that work, it's really bad is it October then I will get the job? My imagination of dish-collecting location is not the same as my workplace yesterday, it's different than my vision. I rant at journal about going to work again at somewhere that I gave up before. It's really sad but my life is really like this. I'm made to struggle all the time and can't find a good job.

Wow sweet potato

My mother cook sweet potato today, I'm so happy, I ate it with rice, and have kuah also. It's something like magical strength I get from eating it, haha I remember in I.M.H if we get that as food I will feel stronger for awhile.

Today the job was fine, 4 hours of standing up then I'm still okay about it. It's 11a.m-3p.m working hours, then Monday-Friday, $914/month, it's quite satisfying anyway, a light job for recovery moment should be fine, I'm starting job next Monday because today is just a job trial. I hope I will be fine at work, and last long at this workplace, I really have nowhere to go, my sickness is too much that I can't work nicely anyway most of the time, it's just 4 hours anyway quite satisfying, then I really don't know what job is it that I take home $1400, as the salary is only $914, I find it weird my memories about doctor like don't match at all, maybe I will find another job myself and will quit this job as fact? I really don't know what's happening to my life, the estimation becomes different about life, I think I will just hang on to this job first taking the little salary.

It's a weird feeling like I don't think I will get the $5K savings with this kind of salary, I really don't know what will happen to my life, if I can hang on or not, I work at level 2 and there's only O.T that visited me, I think it's like I will find another job myself maybe, exist like backpain now I don't know why, it's only a standing job but exist the pain, I really want to remember what doctor said, if it's $914 it can't be this job that I stay and learn mathematics by myself? I really wonder what's going to happen, the job looks quite easy, even have orang cacat or tak kuat that works there, then they are fine about working there, I think I must just continue working there, it's like a sad feeling because I don't know if I will work there for a long time, today my legs in pain anyway, I get the dark vision today, it's hard like this what will happen to me can I carry on? It's like i ever work here before then quit too, then they give me the same job, last year I only work 15mins I think then I got bored and quit, it's so easy the job, I don't feel like quitting at all. I hope I can hang on, but I don't know what is going to happen to my life, if saving $5K it can't be this job? Even 5 months is not $5K, I don't feel energized to buy the $5K savings at all, I wonder what job it is, doctors didn't call me to tell me but let me be like this.

Peace

About 40 more minutes before I go out to work, it takes 51mins to reach, I will go out of house 9.30a.m, I think I will still reach early but it's okay anyway.

Just now I smoke then I feel like vomiting due to the taste or flavour as bad then I decided to throw all my tobaccos and have none now, it's all like sandy and little and small, I think the end of smoking is real this time, even if I have no support or encouragement, I am doing it on my own. I hope I am fine, the energy to do O level on my own still around, then even today I feel like bringing Yassin to work to read in M.R.T, maybe doctor is right after all that I will become someone changed in October, I wonder who will guide me about O level, I have nobody that shows their psychic power to me but they either wait for me to question or else will treat me like a normal patient. I feel nothing special from doctors despite being their adopted son, I wonder why it's like that.

Just 30+ mins to go then I'm off to work, I'm really excited how it's only 4 hours then daily work like that like I can survive well at this workplace, I hope it's right that I will survive, and I hope it don't feel like a survival but a peaceful moment at work. I remember at Jobclub just from 9-10 at garden will feel like drinking water, so maybe at this workplace I will feel like drinking water too after 1 hour? I really don't know, I'm told to bring a water bottle then I'm just bringing the small bottle that I save for plain water, it's really important I guess, I hope I don't need to go toilet often, just now my shit is watery, I worry I get diarrhoea but I hope not and can settle everything fast if it happens, it's really bad my body condition always watery or diarrhoea, I don't know why its like that.

I'm happy that I will be okay doing this, it's only 4 hours anyway, wow finally a job that's short hours, then earning more than $1000 a month, it would be enough for me to feel stronger this year, I hope I don't get bored easily and complete it nicely, it's really a tough feeling as I imagine dishwasher I work from 1.30p.m to 5.30p.m feels quite tiring, then 2 more hours to go home, I hope it's like story of doctor that I will stay long at this job to continue working during my O level every weekend.

Today is supposed to be my happiest day but then I was occupied last 2 days like Dina's Birthday then only have Sunday to relax, it feels so fast then suddenly a working life instead, I feel they are treating me badly but I am surviving on my own, but the 4 hours energizes me back again as I'm reminded of jobclub only 3 hours then it feels fine, like a lot of rest, but I don't get money from jobclub anyway sadly, I will just do my best today for the Job Trial.

Day 256 outside(304 on medications)

Today is the day I will do Job Trial, it's 4hrs 15mins I hope I will be fine, going out of house 9.30a.m later to reach there about 10.45a.m, it's really a scary feeling "if I will quit" but then it could be symptom of too little cigarette, it's finishing and I am quitting cigarette soon for the life of journal like doctor said I imagined. I hope I will be happy at this job, I remember last year or last 2 years the job changes timing than the first day starting at 10.45a.m, then it becomes 2p.m - 6p.m I think, it's really like that then it doesn't matter to me the point is it's 4hours of work only.

Today I dreamt a lot then it's too complicated to search for the meaning anyway but it's a dream that I forgot too, it's a scary feeling in the dream like a mixture but I don't know why I dreamt such thing. I remember last night I dreamt of Heryadi and Dildil my secondary school mates, their real faces that I forgot, it's weird it's too accurate like a sign that I am recovering fully will remember people's faces as well.

Today morning I woke up at 7.30a.m go to bath and smoke 1 roll, then go down and bought redbull and tobacco paper and smoke another 1 roll of 2 pieces paper, I feel satisfied how the end of smoking is happening to my life and I hope it happens, I will smoke again later around 8.45a.m or 9a.m as I worry my heart will be in fear due to shortage of cigarette and I want to be stable at work.

Today is Monday, people's first day of work of the week, and it's the same for me haha, I really want to finish this quickly and I definitely will enjoy my time at Maxwell I think, I hope I will do just fine and do a perfect job to last there for months, like story of doctor I will buy $5K envelope savings and tryout Mathematics by myself, I just remembered I maybe will try Physics and Chemistry too, I'm too excited how well will I do if I do it by myself next year? Is it with guide of doctor or I will do it on my own? I'm really happy I'm starting early and hope its true too that I don't give up in this job. I hope this job is my happy ending after so many years of no work like no loyalty at 1 job location then suddenly I am doing well in life.

I don't know who will guide me about O level but it's fine I guess, I just feel happy that I will work here permanently until end of the year or next year weekends, it feels like something I would give up but I remember anhedonia or schizophrenia could make me feel different about people or things in life, that it's a bad imagination, I hope all bad imaginations are not true.

I also remembered that I dreamt at a swimming complex where there's half naked girls(no top but wearing something bottom) that I claim it's wasted if marry them as many people have seen them half naked. It's a weird dream then suddenly a lot of people walk pass my location then 1 of them is Heryadi, then I tried enter elevator where there's a lot of people and blockage then Dildil inside the elevator, so we go up in elevator and I woke up from sleep. There's other dreams too that I forgot and I'm sad about not remembering them.

I remember last night I slept well then realized it's only 11p.m then 2nd time I woke up it's only 2.15a.m, it was fun being energetic that i have slept well imagining the next day as I will be having enough strength for work, it's only 4 hours anyway and I hope to do well at work.

Still no other memories today

It sucks but the growth of memories still happens anyway, I will do mathematics alone by myself 1 day? That's what I heard I think, I really don't know if it will happen, it's like the journal book I ever bought before then resell it to my neighbour, then the wireless earbuds too, it's weird how they don't notice the pattern that I kept buying the same thing over and over again, I wasted so much money yet nobody cares about it, my memories of spending money are a lot of wasting if I don't take the medicine.

I don't know when I will recover more memories, I hope it happens way more than just a bit each day, I really felt 21 years like only within 1 year everything that I remember, I need to remember more to become thinking it's been 21 years gone, I really hope I will be fine in life, there's no special care towards me but I think people worry of money wastage anyway, but that's only if what I think, what's really on their mind, why they dont mind I don't enjoy myself everyday?

If I look at Calendar, it feels like I will work entire May then June I will buy the $5K savings envelope and Mathematics books? Will it really happen? I remember doctor saying that I will Solat too, will it happen too? I really hope so. Like something to feel in life, but I worry that I will be sleepy everytime at work, I really don't know. Why I only remember 2 things, what else will happen? Can I really do this?

Nobody energizes me that I will work hard this year, they let me feel that so long number of years passed instead of it's been only 1 year since I last try for the job, it's the same thing happening again this year then I wonder why it's like that, do people plan nicely for me? Will doctors guide me about my plan to do O level? Why doctor say I will ask for help in my heart even at December 2026? It means I have no one to help me for so long? Why is it like that?

Previous post I have 13 viewers, I really wonder who they are, but I'm left clueless anyway, I really hope it's a nice attention and not robots that may visit pages/websites I think it's called as "crawlers" to visit links posted. It was quite immediate the number of people that visit once I publish at Facebook, I hope I have removed every nonsense on Facebook too, it takes a long time to delete, so many months. I hope people notice my recovery and talk to me, but why people like Shahridah never visit me anyway, I still have the belt that she gifted me, it's been so long then I still have it, I haven't gone out to enjoy myself ever since break up with her, it's been so long then the belt still looks new, wow. I hope I will use it well for my work tomorrow, I still have the black shoes that I bought for dishwashing but it's a kitchen/chef shoe anyway, should be fine to wear it for dish-collecting, I hope I will be peaceful at work and time moves smoothly, I check that the duration to reach Maxwell from Woodlands is 51mins, then now I really feel like reading Yassin while on the way there, I really want the ease and belief of others how reading Surah can become a supernatural force to occur in our life, I hope Ustaz explain to me 1 day why it is something we must believe, like Asma-ul-Husna, I tried to become rich from zikir but it didn't happen, I zikir "Ya Hayyu" 100K times then I'm still not cured, I wonder why its like that, when I have done too much then it became harder to believe and I'm sad if I became a bad Muslim, I really want comfort after doing so many of it.

It's weird how there's no rushy feelings that I'm not married when I'm getting close to 40 years old, people are all very calm and don't mind I become old, it makes me sad and feel nobody cared for me, it's not like a desperation but the care like don't exist or felt, people don't worry at all because it's not their life maybe? I really feel they should cheer me up and suggest things for me to do, they won't give me any money to spend too, as it will become money for girls instead, then it's better that I work already. How can they live their life when I'm reaching 40 years old in 2 years+, they seem happy and not worried I feel like life is unfair, nobody tried to make me happier, I just live life taking medicine and survival experiences.

Upgrading myself?

Wow will I really upgrade myself and do O level Mathematics this year? That's what story of doctor, I will read Yassin daily everyday in M.R.T on the way to work, my first salary I will do Mathematics of O level I wonder what else, will I be fine? Who is it the one that is guiding me? Right now I see like lines of lights moving around like a snake, I wonder why my visions are like this. Is it I'm supposed to die and supposed to see God? Haha, people don't give me things like didn't expect my death to happen. I wonder how long life is like this even now that I have journal already.

I wonder how much longer will I stay woodlands, it's 2-storey house and my parents becoming older, so maybe they will shift house 1 day into a 1-storey type, it's really weird to keep living here when they are getting old anyway, but when I remember it's like 2028 I will go U.S.A as Soldier Job and A-level, I really don't know if it will happen, what's the truth about my life? It's really energizing that I will take O level mathematics kind of energy in my life, means tomorrow onwards I will be strong to work, I really will do well? I hope so, it's only 4 hours and nothing to feel bad about I hope I will be fine, why nobody is supporting my life even when I'm reaching 38 years old soon? I really have to endure taking Medicine everyday like a boring life and nobody cares if it's bores me? Nevermind I just hope the end is happening soon, I will definitely remember everything like a memory dash into me, I really hope so that it's something like that, I don't want to suffer in life, but it's the same medicine that I have to rely on, why is it like that?

My previous post only have 7 viewers then the previous one only 15, it's really weird I am wondering about the attention I get is it illusion or real, is it humans or robots that capture words that I wrote? I'm so clueless about who actually cares about me because it's been so long I have schizophrenia and "surviving on my own", I hope I know, I wish I will be strong tomorrow onwards to keep doing this job, I hope I receive friendly support like visits to my workplace, I'm so lonely in life and have no friends, only my O.T will visit me at workplace and I have nobody to rely on for happiness.

Other than Math O level, will there be something else that I will be learning first? What about Social Studies and History? I hope I know what I will learn about, I really want to excel in my O level so that I can become a Psychologist, why my memories stopped already why I am not reminded about what else I will do? It's really weird I really hope it's the end this time, and I will stay this job for a long time hopefully. Wow, if it happens it's a final kind of pain in life, I really hope I become someone successful in life.

Good sleep and exciting plans

Yesterday I dreamt about eating a cake, just now I dream while sleeping I was smoking and there were so many people lying down like so many rows of bed, then people get locked at the bed like a jail each bed, weirdest dream I wonder what it means. I dream that my legs in pain then I throwing rubbish at rubbish chute, seeing my neighbour calling me as I hear my name, it's really hearing voices kind of dreams, it's weird as my neighbour never called me before.

The sleep feels enough and sleepy at the same time, worried about tomorrow if I will feel sleepy in mid afternoon.

At Spotify I cannot get the song "Ayo Bangkit" by "Bang Yan" it's weird but I have to be okay about it, there's a lot of songs anyway, it's a rap motivational song and quite happy to listen to it. I saw a TikTok Video and the song is nice but Spotify don't have all songs then I assume.

It feels heavy tomorrow to work but I regard it as a jobclub feeling hopefully I will have enough rest and smooth months at work, haha as I assume I will actually work there for months instead of days or 1 week. I'm happy how doctor said I will buy the $5K envelope savings the 1st month of working there, I hope I continue working there then, then when looking at the bright side, next year I am O level anyway, a student again, so it means I will become a better person next year onwards or what? When my healing journey will have someone supporting me about it? It's really a lonely 1 year this year and last year combined, I don't have anyone "on the same page" as me at all. It's like blindly taking medicine everyday and that's all every time, then eat whatever my mother cook or parents bought, then that's all, I don't live my life at all. Yesterday Anaqi my nephew go fishing and caught 3 fishes, it's so cool like that, luck definitely rise about getting a fish, he remind me of the days I was spiked meth, then bought long sleeve hoodie, and Adidas hoodie, even buying bicycle don't know how many times already, it's really bad my life I wasted money just like that then hope someone support my recovery by making me not waste money, but people only don't give money so I don't waste money instead maybe. Whatever it is doctor said that this year I will save $5000, then I hope it's true. I will work hard tomorrow for it, just 11a.m until 3p.m and that's all my work, I hope I don't give up and continue working there for as long as I can. I remember like I will take O level while working there it means I will take it as my part time job 1 day, I hope it's true too, or it's actually I will learn O level by myself while I still work there? It means I really become studious first before the start of O level?

The point is my life with R about to restart next year and I still don't remember where I loss memory about it, but all the 3 girls R, W, A = All I thought is a break-up. They can't be bothered to remind me what happened too bad for me. I didn't have time anyway because I kept losing my memories, I guess if any appear I just try to continue the relationship, I hope R appears sooner though because June is my birthday, then I already work as dish-collector hopefully that I will have money for myself everytime, the goal is to be stronger in money when I start O-level so I don't look poor at eyes of other students especially because of my age. The point and goal in life is not to feel so bored until self-damage myself and hope anhedonia somehow goes away so I can enjoy what I have spent on in life, the difficult road is coming to my life tomorrow onwards because it's the start of short hours of work, if I don't do well I don't know what will happen to me probably will suffer in life. Today I only smoke 3 pieces of rolled tobaccos I hope it's done for now just like that, and I hope tomorrow I don't feel the symptom but I need somebody to let me smoke anyway among the I.M.H people so I can quit cigarette smoothly and peacefully.

I remember like doctor said that I will learn Mathematics by myself or scoring 100% in O level again when I work as dish-collector, I hope it's real information from doctor even if can hear voices of Alysha, because I can hear it all the time and any time even during a conversation, so if it's something important in conversation I will remember her voices at the same time even if she is not present or around.

The war looks haven't ended as fact when someone appeared with gunshots at the event Donald Trump was around, it is assume as someone taking the reward money if get to kill Donald Trump? Means Iran's reward is being chased by people? It's a boring life, I hope my stability happens first before I start learning mathematics by myself or if really reading Yassin daily in M.R.T o.t.w to work, it's really like a changed person kind of life and I hope I gain happiness like that too anyway, I hope I will be so smart in O level that I pass with flying colours too. R will be around but then I'm not sure why she taking next year as her choice, if 38 years old I will recover I feel they should all be around to support my recovery by making me remember stuff hopefully.

My tobaccos left are so little that I think I will quit smoking soon, maybe before May even, it's really harsh but life is really like that, I have nobody that supports me except my brother's old support of $200 and $1000, I hope girls support me but I want to be someone that don't ask for financial help especially but then hope they give me a reason to take money anyway, haha, I just don't feel nice if I spend someone else's given money.

I am thinking of a lot of matter in life, I just want the recovery feelings but doctor said that if I quit smoking I will experience the journal life imagined, then it means my family will become more caring towards me but I really don't know if they will anyway, it's really harsh as I expecting a kind of care that they understand I have difficulty in life but they treat me like someone that don't have difficulty in life but someone normal health and strong, Hisyammuddin have a lot of muscles maybe that's why he's stronger in schizophrenia matters, they maybe comparing me to him I think, I really can't do anything about it.

Later I will write my journal again and finally using the 3rd page, it's hopefully something neat as I just write timestamp before writing, even if on the same line, to save pages, I hope it works nicely one day and smooth to read. I will just write tomorrow is Job Trial as dish-collector, I hope I will be fine at work. I want to check my EZ-link soon if still enough transport money to go work, it's really an exciting feeling and panic at the same time, I hope I feel excited to keep working here, like it can suddenly happen sometimes, I regard anhedonia really disturb my life a lot and really made me change feelings towards anything in life, I don't know how to counter it but just pretending happy most of the time and understanding what makes me happy as something I would do in life, I'm really excited for the day that I will learn O level while working dish-collector as story of doctor is like that. So even when R appears next year maybe our communication won't be so much due to my weakness in memory and misunderstandings created by Alysha like a copy sentence the voices I hear, I would imagine a Satan or Jinn to be saying the same thing even to confuse me but I don't believe but believe it's my memory in a different way - by voices.

Still no new old memories

I'm stuck to feeling that I will work hard at this job for 6 days a week, never missing a job except for off day, then I hear like $2000 back home for first month, I really don't know but I hope the $1400 is true enough, I'm feeling sleepy right now, it feels like I will really do this job well even if a lazy feeling I will do it kind of thing, I really don't know but it's the current best road for nicer O level money. When I close my eyes I have vision of a plump and round eye person or doll or puppet, I don't know why it's like that, like I used to see my nephew in the past even before he exist, I wonder what this toy-looking features mean and who is it if a person. Schizophrenia is weird like "seeing things" as something normal to happen, I really hope it's superpower like a psychic or something supernatural, I really want to have powers in life like Psychic or Wali Allah.

Tomorrow I hope my working day will be smooth like no diarrhoea or stomach ache at wrong timing. My previous post have 25 views, I wonder why usually it's 25 as maximum, it made me thought only have 1 person setting up the numbers.

I am going to try sleep now as too sleepy.

Day 255 outside(303 on medications)

Tomorrow is my job trial, to tryout 4hrs 15mins at workplace, I hope it's smooth and not a lazy feeling, I remember last year was about the same or it was last 2 years I really loss my memory, that I work only for awhile to test for future plans if working for a long time, I really hope it's my "finally" here, planning to earn and save due to world war 3 and O level next year, I really don't know if I will be doing well but it's really only 4hrs 15mins I must really do my best. I hope the working feelings are like jobclub that lasts for 3 hours then I only have additional 1 hour to do here.

It's Sunday today but I regard it like a normal day feeling, I really feel like it's too fast to work but I want to save money like story of doctor, that I will work here for a long time. It takes so long for my memory to come back I really want to remember all but it's now about "working until October" something like that, I feel like I will work until December though. I hope it finishes quickly and I don't feel so bad at workplace.

Yesterday I wrote my journal about celebrating Dina's birthday and that's it, I feel like a pro writing journal hoping I would recover faster and my life growth becomes faster, I hope the pain ends tomorrow like a best job kind of vision in my mind, it will end the pain forever of being a useless man.

Not lazy feeling please

It's bad I have a lazy feeling about Monday, I hope I am not lazy to work and just work hard, it's going to be 6 days and I really want to finish it quickly each time, I really want to go so far to work as it will be close to Sakinah anyway, I hope some supernatural thing happens like a soulmate distance cure me up, I don't want to feel sick too.

My previous post I feel like I have typed/written it before last year then it happened again, it's about my wish to know future-children's spouse's parents first maybe just live life as friends first, because we will become family anyway, it would be a great feeling but then I am reaching 40 years old, am I too late already as fact? It would be 70+ years old then my children will get married? Why is Sakinah being like this to me? She don't see my imagination is wanting to have babies fast so I can become a grandfather, I want to experience such life but then my mother don't mind that my life is like this, she don't care if I become not married like Bik Minah, Mak Ni and Pak Ngah, she should've spent her time getting Sakinah for me but she wouldn't, she rather I suffer being lovesick, it's harsh she really mean it as I'm 38 years old soon now.

I wonder if doctor is right that I will be saving $5K this year, the end finally for me because I would stick to 1 job only, it is dish-collector as something permanent until end of this year maybe? Why no one making me energetic about this kind of feelings like telling me a confirmation that it's true? All doctors just ignoring me about this. I'm truly energetic about such life like saving money, I have no idea to know if it's true or happening at all, it's weird my life, I hope I am successful in working life anyway, daily I would be close to City Hall at Amoy Street then I imagine a story like Sakinah would visit me, but it's 10.45a.m to 3p.m my working hours, so it means it's impossible that Sakinah would visit me, I feel so helpless, doctors didn't tell me or update me at all about her for 1+ year long maybe or easily just 10 years maybe, hahaha and I'm still hoping and wishing for her.

It's like a dying future if I can't have her, my happiness will be gone permanently then if she makes another bad decision like marriage or have a baby, I hope it don't tear up my heart again, I don't know why she got the heart to do such thing to me knowing my love expression as truth, then she still continued, maybe because doctors didn't become a matchmaker for me but a barrier that strictly disallow relationship as it's Haram in Islam, I am sad of their effort only like this until I'm turning 38 years old soon, I don't know why they don't fear she being touched by other men example, it's so stupid, my love is true but she became a dumb girl instead, I'm sad of her decision, maybe all intelligent people are dumb something, the perfection of herself not be touched or kissed just wasted away from me like that, it's something I can't recover from or forgive but then my vision or imagination is like marrying a non-virgin always angry secretly then require the comfort often from Sakinah, it's the memory of other guys in mind, it becomes like a bad relationship as fact, like only me and Sakinah exist in the world, then when thinking of reality, I will have children that will get married and then expand the family tree, my life shouldn't be so bad, my true/realistic imagination is that I won't have children at all, then just married-status just for love and sex everyday, drinking wine and beer as daily life, search for painkillers to abuse etc. I really don't know if Sakinah would love me at all but it feels like she would because I have psychic knowledge from psychic and her life will become boring without psychic information, stories will comfort our life and I really want that a lot, knowing future is strength about something to be ready about, I really hope Sakinah ask a lot of psychic question that somehow makes her interested in me a lot faster than my estimation of 40 years old marriage, it's really sad 70+ years old then grandfather? What if my children marry close to 40 years old too? I don't get to see my future grandchildren? Sakinah don't think for me at all, she maybe have no feelings for me as something true, real and fact, wow I am so stupid like when I remember she have Nur Iman at her Spotify Playlist still, means it's not finished yet their story, I'm sad she's stupid like letting other guy kissed her instead of a "soulmate-only" kind of girl, she made my imagination of her not special anymore, like she wear sporty uniform during school it's too short but she did it anyway, I really lost her daily for so many years already.

Relieved my Wireless Earbuds not Spoilt

I couldn't listen to music all the way just now because the song keeps stopping on its own, then I just walk like someone without wireless earbuds, haha, back to old life. I'm planning this new life properly, the little tobaccos are finishing in my life then it's going to be the end of such pain? The painful symptom of too little cigarette still not endured by me and I have q.s inhaler to hang on too. It's really difficult, it's not in my journal anyway about quitting cigarette, I just try it to be a happy reading as best as I can.

I really want to remember more of what doctor have said to me but I can't remember, I think it takes time to recall, I'm listening to music maybe the lyrics will make me recover as memorized some songs in the past? I should have done this in the past maybe but I didn't, nvm the time is now to change, hehe. I am forever a sad person I feel like that, always have something to be sad about then some people just live simply without a problem, it's harsh how I am 38 soon then still survival, but I'm reaching the age that doctor said that I will recover so it's not time to give up yet. I really need to be strong for this simple job just 4hrs 15mins daily then I can't give up just yet, it's something I must do to be stronger next year, I need to be a capable man that can care my own future children 1 day, I definitely must not make myself weaker and save money for O level, it's really a goal to do in life.

Listening to music made me feel creative about Malay language, I shouldn't have made myself stupid and not listen to songs? But days of Rasullullah s.a.w there probably no music that he listens to but he's a genius, I really don't know if I've made myself more stupid by not listening to songs. I really don't want my time wasted in life. Just 2 more days then the test of strength if I can work, the imagination or vision of doctor saying I will buy $5K envelope savings made me so happy, but luckily I didn't loss memory, but in the past if I remember maybe I would have loss my memory, it's a situation my body should loss memory but I still remember, I'm happy like I can remember Sakinah's face feature all the time despite memory loss, it's harsh but she must really make me stronger and not leave me, I read something like if never beg = doors to heaven always open, so I hope she don't create me a beggy feelings, I really don't want to beg any girls. I just feel lonely thats all, but I think its about money anyway the Hadis.

Why is it so painful, will Sakinah listen to my Music choice? Will we become okay with each other 1 day, my playlist, it's a way to get to know what kind of person I am by listening to music, I feel the imagination can happen if listen to music. I have listened to her songs even if I skip some, it feels like it's my 2nd time browsing through her playlist but I suffered memory loss it means like that, I think it takes time for my heart to relax when I discover or found anything about Sakinah, I will definitely loss memory most of the time, and end up feeling I need to search for her repetitively, it's sad my schizophrenia I don't have the time to make myself talk to her and tell her I love her many times because of memory loss, my reflex is just to shout "I love you!" like at Woodlands M.R.T it ever happened, then her answer is "Attached", it's sad it's my first time expressing to someone that I love first, then this happens, the impact is like a cassette sounds spoilt and "back to reality" thing, I want my imagination of love and happiness to come true so bad, then Sakinah didn't let it happen, she tunang with monkeyface then I'm left alone like an entire lifetime, more than 10 years? Wow it's so long and so hard but she did such thing to me. I wonder what my future children will feel if know I'm in love with someone so deeply, I really don't want them to lose the person they love too, I hope I got to know the parents of their future-spouse first 1 day, then be supportive to help them in any way I can first, it's really hard but doctors maybe won't let me know? Would they wonder why I'm so nice to them and why I believe doctor? I really hope Ustaz Harun becomes closer to me 1 day to help me about this, it's really my wish to grow to be a grandfather that I feel as something impossible due to anhedonia, I now don't fall in love easily in a strongest way, I feel nothing at girls most of the time it's really harsh, it need to start with abit of liking then pleasant feelings but anhedonia killed it all, I really feel bored easily nowadays, I don't believe if girls can fall in love with me too, I feel ugly sometimes then I lazy to shave my moustache as the feeling but to look good I need to shave, it's really bad I really became someone who don't know how to make a girl fall in love with me anymore, so I feel it's impossible to get a girl now, if Sakinah rejects me it's the end for me, my life definitely end just like that, I will become someone very holy or very alcoholic, I will work for alcohol or just read that Yassin can create happiness. The situation that Sakinah placed me is that "maybe she is married and had sex", then if matter of soulmate I would not believe such thing, then if matter of psychic doctors, they never update me about Sakinah at all, why they never comfort me that Sakinah's virginity could be taken away and I would be in panic of losing a pure love story?

I start thinking of life like "true friendships" if exist where the man dont interest to sex with friend's partner such thing, it's really hard, like love of future children's parents we don't get sexual interest too, to maintain a pure perfect love story of "family". I really want such thing and understand life as "a person can lose the girl she love to a friend" so it's hard to trust a friend, so I wonder if true friends will exist in my life, I know men by knowing myself, I want perfection of "a family" especially matter of lust and sexual interest, it's really like a nice adult thinking instead of like Ustaz that steals money, people would think an Ustaz wouldnt do such thing, I want to become a True Friend to people.