I don't know why doctor said that I won't remember about the money that I am said to earn $1400-$2000, then it's mixture of government money in mind as the information, then black cargo pants as something true that I bought it, waiting for the arrival, then I really have nothing else to do just living my life thinking if I wasted money or not. For around $25 I bought 2 books to read by myself, I hope I can do it right or somehow have the time for it, if October I'm quitting smoking instead of Solat, I really don't think I will start work in October because doctor said that I will save $5K this year, it's maybe at least 5 months or 6 months, I really don't know. Nobody tip or hint me what doctor have told them about my future job, but I'm left clueless about it, I really have no jobs now and thinking how to survive until August. I have to understand myself as someone that won't smoke for 1 month causing the quit of cigarette to happen or something, it can't be that I would finish my money on smoking, it's definitely something else.
I have no one guiding me in life, the common sense like to become someone that read Al-Quran if don't obtain love like hard to happen now since it's April going to be May, like the end is really close as I wanted to read Al-Quran in June supposedly, I wonder how I can do it. I'm like a lazy person daily then no support of my parents which is sad that their calculation is only to support my transportation to work, that's all, I really need something like a better support but then it's the end for me, it's only 1 as their rule(understanding their way, it's their savings rule I think), I really feel hopeless like I can't enjoy myself at this age, at year of age 39 I will school O level and at year of age 40 I will school A level, life's really slow for me and I don't think I can make it to live normally like other people. I'm so unstable in my mind, there's no way I can hold on like this like a tragedy in life that I have schizophrenia, anhedonia, lovesick, catatonia maybe the heat in my body, then money problem that I cant escape into a nicer feeling without it. I've seen myself as a useless man and I don't think girls will actually love me at all.
When I close my eyes I vision a blindfolded bodybuilder with black t-shirt I wonder what it means, why are my eyes like this?
I'm so tired of my life experiences, yesterday my journal was some lines but it was okay I guess, I assume I won't be writing journal much because of nothing really to write, the feelings supposedly to be everyday but daily I just take medicine becoming 1 year then it's the same the 2nd year I assume, I was made to imagine as receiving money from Alysha then I didn't have way to block my memories from hearing about money, it's really sad that it's like this, in few days it's going to be 1 month+ left for my birthday but I'm not too happy about it, I really don't know what I can be happy about, I'm so unlucky in my life having nothing most of the time.
I feel like working Pest Control but they handle rats and too many cockroaches I assume then it will be bad for me, it's too disgusting I think then I have no wish to work as that. I'm thinking of factory that I get bored easily, then anhedonia maybe promoted the quitting many times, then I really don't know what kind of job I will work as, I'm too old to apply for I.T related jobs and I don't have much skills in it except for hacking. I'm shocked how I am not a genius in computer hardware but someone that have hacking as a skill, people say a hacker never tells that they're a hacker but I assume only nerds will not tell or lie that they're hackers.
It's 800th Post this one then I wonder if someone printed all due to boredom or wanting to tell me what voices I hear, it's really bad I can hear wrong information and believe it strongly when I have schizophrenia, the torture of how not being given money is something serious in my life that it made me feel like an orphan, I hope it ends and I just get a job but then my future like don't match doctor's words, if I'm going to forget that I will get $1400-$2000 as my first salary, doesn't it mean that I won't take medicine or taking it too much again? Why won't I realize "this job is the one doctor talked about" until the payday? I hope someone makes me happier in life like appearance of Keledek as my mother yesterday's cooking. Hahaha. I hope I find something nice to do now but its 800th Post, most probably I will TikTok after this, it should be longer than usual due to the boredom I feel.
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