Wondering what should I do

I'm so lonely my life so empty I have nobody that accompany me, haha rhyme, so funny. I wonder what to do I don't know what games to download, I feel like buying L and R button + wireless earphones for my phone then it feels like I will get tired of gaming because of anhedonia.

My mother made more of the addictive Sambal Kacang, means life will become tastier I think. I don't know why I mind the price of L and R button for Android is only $2+ then I still didn't buy it due to saving money and I don't frequent gaming like before, anhedonia made me waste the feelings away. I wonder what doctors would do for me to recover anhedonia, it feels like urgent recovery needed but doctors fine about it.

I wonder if (S) have the same as me, the Sambal Kacang, I really hope she taste life the same as me, if 1 soulmate is enjoying more than the other it is bad, definitely the relationship would not be nice but it's been her effort anyway about her life then I have nothing to say about it. I wonder when will she feel like she's my soulmate, will she tell me about it? Am I not familiar to her since Baby? Cant I be more than her friend already at this age? I wonder why I'm not married yet too, but why shes not married yet too? Why nobody updates me that she's not married? Won't I think her niece as her daughter instead? I wonder why my life keep having her in my mind.

Tomorrow is Sunday and I'm quite lucky it's not time yet to work, Monday and Thursday is my working day and I really will only earn $144 in February, if I do all of it, I feel like I shouldn't but RG477V because doctors really buying it for me and gifting me, it just feels real instead of a dream, because it's like doctors ever said before that they buying me RG477V, I wonder when is it that I'm going to get it. It's so long, I remember in M.R.T (S) also said of buying me this, but it don't exist yet, I think it's funny why she's like that to me, doesn't she treat me special already? Shouldnt we be boyfriend girlfriend at that time already?

Life's so long I really have nothing to do, I really just browsed PSP Games then I plan of browsing again later to download whats nice, I should really be normal and play games but the feeling is just not right, anhedonia promoted it to happen(to not play), it's so bad why do I have to be having other sickness than schizophrenia - anhedonia and catatonia, it makes it harder to get (S) to become in relationship with me. Have she answered my letter yet(putting Yes about relationship request), why is it like this so long? I really want to remember what happened at O.C.B.C as she have videos of her day of interview and get the job instead after I hack for O.C.B.C and deal to be working for the bank if she got employed, I wonder if I'm working at Popeyes, how am I working as a Hacker too? Is it Saturday and Sunday I'm a Hacker? My life's so lonely I don't have any friends that will contact me.

I feel like downloading PSP Game - Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtle then it looked boring, I maybe should play other games. I'm thinking what my life going to become when I'm 40 years old, and if I can really work if I take medications like doctor said it or like Hisyammuddin in the past, he grown to become someone so hardworking and he's my age I think, so lucky to have health and not experiencing schizophrenic feelings like me, I think what I write is what I remember, then I really haven't gained much memories, I wonder what else I can remember, it feels like my parents keeping away my money that was ever given to me, but it's because of schizophrenia I think, then even until now they have nothing to give me, except the EZ-link topup, I hope I am enough time to top it up again in future and not accidentally requiring cash again to bus ride home.

Maybe later I will just give up and try downloading Harvest Moon PSP, because of anhedonia I kept changing my mind. I remember I was an addicted gamer then I suddenly changed into like this and nobody worries about anhedonia is really bad, nobody try to make me feel better except the common sense of daily food to have at home. They never suggest me to try exploring around Singapore to remember what it's like in Singapore, I really miss the days of what life supposed to be like - I'm suddenly at home a lot due to schizophrenia since after N.S days, my life tonggang terbalik and I survive until today. I don't know why someone like me still believed to become a Psychologist 1 day, I really will become a doctor? I hope I'm still smart but am I really that capable? I wonder what I should do to learn O-level materials like an energy for next year doing it, I wonder what I should learn?

I thought I would be spending time downloading PSP games in the past on my Android then it's actually hard to play on Android then it became boring. I really am thinking what I should do in life other than Iqra. Everyday it is the same dullness and nobody to spend time with, semua orang dah maju bekerja and have license while I'm so late far behind in life, nobody energizes me to do anything and I'm just sitting at home now daily waiting until night time, writing the blog everyday of my medicines and Simba data. What will (S) think of me? A sick man in love with her or random expression of love from a schizophrenic old friend that's not believable? Does she believe I really love her at all?

Happy Seeing Telur Rebus

Morning seeing telur rebus makes me happy, I wonder if my mother cooking sambal telur or telur kari even, I'm thinking how if jobclub job is really late, I would work at Popeyes in April or May? Why is it so long? I really want to feel the end of pain like getting a real job.

I'm so lonely in life, thinking of my schizophrenia, I was thinking of Solat yesterday that it's only morning, mid day, afternoon, and twice at night, its only 5-10mins using surah Al-Ikhlas but I didn't do it, I wonder why I'm like this, I just think if my Soulmate follows me or the girls follows me, they would have to Solat also? But I think they already Solat except for (S)? I wonder if my way is really peaceful and nice, I think of meditation 5 minutes a day instead of Solat maybe I will be more like a Psychologist, I really want to become peaceful like them and still live my life normally.

I checked that Ramadan is 18 February 2026, I would still be learning Iqra normally everyday and I'm really late about understanding Arab. I really want to achieve this and I hope I get to do it well too, I wonder how long it will take for me to be able to read Al-Quran but knowing Iqra it really feels like I can know by 3 months, then I imagine it's difficult and maybe 6 months is not enough still, I wonder if I really will become someone like that, it's just a search for peace, it's like money brings peace too then I think of working then I will still be fine? At least I'm learning everyday and I think growth exist in my life that I learn new things everyday, I hope I'm at least smarter each day, as I have lost 16 years of my life from schizophrenia. Everyone is living normally without me that most probably will waste money if have money then not given money making my life hard. I don't know why but to think of reasons for them I became like this instead, I really just want to recover from schizophrenia.

Right now I still hear the small girl's voice Abit, in many volumes, I'm just sad how medicine only works Abit and I really have to live through my life like this. I remember that 1 day the small girl won't know she attacked my life and will be angry at "small girl that attack my life" when it's actually herself, she really loss her memory and I believe it abit. I wonder why her schizophrenia is different, it's like she can murder someone or cause someone to commit suicide then actually forgot that she's the one that did it, her schizophrenia is really different or more violent as fact but she's surviving strongly like not in pain as she's in school, it's weird like schizophrenia chooses what kind of pain a person should be in then her symptom doesn't appear many times too, it's weird doctors didn't talk about her too, I wonder why it's like that, like I was left believing that (A) played behind my back for so long then nobody reminded me that it's the small girl that did it, taking medicines makes me remember of her and the voices of her in different volumes to think of her, I really have no choice but bear with it.

I'm imagining my future like will it be true my uncle will be gifting me a television in my room and a sofa to sit watching it? I'm really happy that I can connect handheld console and play on television if imagine life, but I remember his son still play PSP on Android and I wonder I feel bad like that, I should become like his son and enjoy PSP on Android. I still don't remember why people treat me like a son I can only guess at babies age I kept losing my memory and people start pitying me about it. I'm 37.5 years old now and I never been connecting with them for this many years, but I guess the voices of them makes it sounds like it's the same treatment, I wonder how they all agree on my parents to not give me money at all, it's weird life being this way, the treatment of parents like that is really okay? I really want my children to have money everytime 1 day, I think I don't want them to experience the same difficulty as me, but it's just my luck having schizophrenia if not I can work and earn money and won't have money problem. Schizophrenia really created me to have money problem if not my effort on (S) would be different I think. (S) is a gamer I read on her twitter of her life then she didn't write of me at all, I wonder why I'm not special in her heart, does she even have a diary of me? Does she believe that I love her truly yet?

I'm planning to earn a lot of money 1 day after reading a quote that it can skip "people's talk" away from my life I really hope I can work well in future and become a better man. I'm planning to chase all Top Food like Best Nasi Lemak, Best Nasi Ayam etc. to taste them 1 day, I ever wanted to make a food blog or vlog then I changed my mind, like where will I get the money from to do all that? I hope my family becomes more thinking of the situation that there exist the top food in Singapore and we go around tasting them as spending life together to become like that will be nice. I really just want a better life but my parents are old 70 and 73 in years old then even if I remember from doctor that they will live until 100+ years old, thinking of money is bad then they don't give me money, even still working at old age, then definitely I will have a bad image if they don't give me any money due to the attitude they will create me to have, I wonder why I'm different not treated like Hisyammuddin, he's so lucky but I remember it's around the same timing maybe he ever in difficulty leaving only EZ-link left to do this phase of life like mine, means we're experiencing quite the same or mine is actually easier as I have a brother that gave me $200 at the last minute urgency of life.

I remember my uncle want to talk to my brother then forum is the best way, then none of them seems to effort on making the forum exist, except me just waiting and wondering why nobody agree it's nice, why they know time like knowing their death is not yet to delay the existence of forum? Maybe because I would complain that my parents don't give me money in forum and wondering why it's so strict, nobody in my family explains why they're so strict about money I just have to be thinking about it myself.

It's going to be February tomorrow in year 2026, then (S) still haven't contacted me yet, I wonder why she become only a reader of my life and nothing more, is she truly occupied by her niece every weekend? Why can't she just spend time with me yet? Is it because of my mental being unstable? I really just like looking at her face it makes me happy just like that, I wonder what we would talk about I just want her to imagine me telling her that I love her and really hope just by that love I would get her as my wife, I really don't know how to tackle someone like her too, I just want the girl I want first something like that. (W) and (A) would be reading me in love with (S) and I definitely feel bad too the break-up shouldn't have happened but I wonder what was the conversation because I would definitely try my best to keep the relationship, doctors didn't mind me didn't keep in touch with any of them too it's harsh they're being like this, I wonder why doctors are fine about it.

It smells like Sambal Telur Rebus then I'm happy I would be eating it soon, I'm really super hungry right now and want to fill myself up.

I remember my days I ever wasted at the Arcade so many times if not I would maybe be having so much money, Arcade was addictive and I used to spend time with my brother at there during my N.S days, life's so hard to live while everyone can be having life as healthy and becoming a working person.

2 more days Jobclub 1st day of work!

Happy today is Saturday, means I have another rest tomorrow, and it's still early in the morning.

I'm at Day 170 out of ward on medications and total of 218 days on medications.

My Simba data usage is 2.48gb/400gb.

I don't go out for a long time even riding bicycle too, I still wonder what I would do at night riding bicycle 1 day as that's what doctor said but then I still have no idea what is it, maybe it's to work at Popeyes then I bicycle to work as it's just at M.R.T?

Today (S) most probably at home with niece, her life been the same for some years I don't know her niece is what age, will she really get the best aunt in the world by Psychic doctors about Guinness world record? Hahaha. It's cool to be chasing something great in life because it's possible, as psychic exist too. I now aim to be the best son in the world but then I don't think I can make it because I don't Solat, hahaha, I wonder what to do, I'm happier now because my brother gave me money $200 now I have around $178 left and I'm happy about it. I really am surviving this tough life like this. It's like impossible that I can save up for Anbernic RG477V so I hope doctors remember and give me one as a gift, I don't know why in my memory appears like that but it kinda comforted me about how life going to be and it's not so bad in imagination then in reality it could be just a dream and doctors have no intention of gifting me RG477V. It is okay anyway because it's usually like that anyway.

I ate my medicine just now early around 6.50a.m but I'm okay about it, I really hope I will recover and my memories to come back, I am really thinking of my memories of what it should be like, I wonder why it's like that. It seems that I can't recall anything else like too bad for me. I now wonder if I actually wasted money buying the bicycle but it happened multiple times, I bought it so many times in the past then reselling to my neighbours then buy again, I wonder why schizophrenia makes my decision like that.

Popeyes only 3 years old?

Wow I see in February 2026 it's only the third year, does this mean in the past I used to eat at other countries this Popeyes? I thought it's at Changi Airport since long time ago, then they are celebrating their 3 yrs anniversary in Singapore, wow it's still new and I'm happy if I really get to work at Popeyes.

Doctors as Psychics really knew first that it would exist I remember, why can't I get psychic answer of my marriage date then? Will I really not know before I think about it? Why won't doctor just tell me and make me happy first that I would get married?

It's just 3 days before I start earning at jobclub, I hope I survive and be stronger like Hisyammuddin surviving this phase of life he ever went through then work at McDonalds, I really hope I survive peacefully too. Popeyes is my life journey to experience a working life there, it looks cool too like all will be considered as still new workers, then I work at their 3rd year anniversary, my seniors will only be 3 yrs experience in Popeyes wow.

Home Visit Done

Nurse just visited me it's only awhile, then we talk for awhile, everything is fine I guess, February is the last visit moments, today nurse don't talk about money.

Today feels tiring it's like nothing to do kind of feelings. What I'm happy is today is Friday then will still have 2 more days of rest before my working day, it is rare to get a job that's few hours of work only and I got to do it at jobclub, nurse describe the area to clean as small so I'm happy about it, I hope it remains easy jobs to do.

I'm thinking of space my phone have to save PSP games to play I really feel like I have no life just sitting around only. 3hours 2 times a week is something that makes me happy that I think of - the job at jobclub.

Now it's 1.13 p.m and I wonder what (S) is doing, does she really eat the same as me? Do they all 4 girls really eat the same as me? I wonder what makes them not wanting to communicate with me at all. Life is so boring, I remember my friend Jeremy and I add his old number then he's not using it, maybe he changed his number already, schizophrenia makes me lose friends, I remember when I have no money he used to help a lot especially gifted me a PSP to play too, then schizophrenia made me bad ties with him, I became suspicious of things that didn't happen because of mouth of small girl talking nonsense, creating me suspecting all my friends, I'm so unlucky to meet the small girl in my life, life changes because of the feelings happens to be felt for real and its harsh and hard like a torture, what an unlucky life, the pain is so strong and the heat from anger is so hot, I really got boiled up by the small girl's mouth many times and I wasted my life experiences and journey like "keep thinking or hearing her voice" and I can't do anything about it, I'm helpless and I didn't beat the small girl too.

I remembered month of 6 when I'm 38 years old, I will receive penalty money for what she did to me, and it will be a lot and it makes me happy that I won't be poor, but then again I wonder if it's really June when I'm 38 years old or some other month of 38 years old, it could be a dream too.

I wonder how I can get (S) with my life being this way like hearing voices that causes pain into my heart and mind, medicine is taken but I still hear her voice sometimes, I wonder how (S) will be more understanding and listen to me, she will have schizophrenia too anyway but then it's unfair if she talks to me only because of becoming a schizophrenic 1 day. I'm so helpless thinking of my life, I really lost my chances of a smooth experience, I hope (S) makes it easier for me to get her and I wonder why soulmate(S) don't love me yet can happen, it's weird I thought we love each other, then it's a delusional thinking of mine thinking she feel the same way about me. It's hard when I remember she tunang with monkeyface, meaning she actually don't have feelings for me at all. What a waste the experience, then it happened and it became her history and past.

What makes her be okay my relatives and doctors keep in touch with her? Is it the reason because she's Potential 2nd Top Hacker in the World? Hacking is so easy when I think again, I really hope to see her again in O.C.B.C when I get the Hacker Job at 38 years old 1 day, I remember it will be a Soldier Job kind of uniform and attached to O.C.B.C as a Hacker, means I will be wearing an admin Army wear I will look cool in this job I really want. I remember like I will become working as a Guard too, means I really will wear Boots to work? I really becoming a Soldier for real? When is it happening why is it so long to happen? When I think again maybe it's December then I will get Soldier Job. I remember the soldiers there will already know I will become a hacker of S.A.F and I'm special as the only Hacker job at there. I wonder if all these will really happen like how I get my number 80244202, I really hope it does happen and my life becomes easier doing something thats my interest and earning money from my own interest.

Went to Shop

Bought Redbull to feel healthier for today, I exercised 50 sideways legs lifting each leg and happy about it.

My previous post only have 5 viewers, it's really like a length of writing makes the number of viewers but I remember sometimes I wrote quite long but still less than 10 viewers. I wonder when the advertisement will happen, will it even happen? I took photos at the new lift as the mirror is so big it's so nice, I remember doctor said (S) would feel jealous I have a lift that looks like in a hotel, it's so cool like that. My life writings really about (S) most of the time because I lost memory of what I maybe deal with (W) and (A), the common sense is not hang on and not leave me but even when I became believing differently they didn't tell me the entire story of what had happened, maybe they got tired and shocked of schizophrenia really makes memory loss, do they believe I really loss my memory though? I wonder like that.

I remember if me keeping a relationship, knowing I have schizophrenia I would want them to leave me because of the pain I would feel "even if it didn't happen" then if I believe it as real somehow due to the voices, I would still be in pain and it's better to be far from each other than me feeling in pain, I knew I would be at effort to keep the relationship. I still don't know why it's hard to remember, the schizophrenia is so strong it created me loss of my memories and I can't remember what I have agreed with (W) and (A) but just live a forgotten life like a break-up really happened, it's sad it became like a nonsensical break-up, but it's weird they are happy about it but it looks like I'm the one that must remember but why are they not messaging me? Is it because of the voices? They will experience schizophrenia 1 day anyway and would understand me but it's unfair I have to live on like this, it's impossible that I would ask for a break-up, I wonder how doctors will fix this for me as they're psychics and knows.

I remember houses of (W) and (A) still in my mind if they haven't shifted house, I wonder what's the marriage plan will be like, the break-up or time-off for many years been too long will they still love me? Why am I feeling like nothing like memory loss of them, I remember I have a happiness that's 1 of a kind with them before then this happens, schizophrenia is really bad then nobody is siding me about being in relationship with 1 of them again, I feel sad I have to go through this alone and just swallowing all the pain alone, enduring life without a lover it is hard, I'm too old already as fact and wonder how I will ever get married because my mental is still like this. I feel like I am childish person and hard to be stable kind of life. Hisyammuddin grows better than me for so long and he's so lucky about it.

I remember doctors ever said I will become a doctor 1 day, I wonder if it's true, my mental is really strong 1 day? I wonder why nobody is talking to me about O-level too, I really want to do it because of schizophrenia making me loss of chances in life, and it decreases my chances of becoming to look as a very smart person, I became a stupid N-level only instead and I'm sad about it, it decreases my chances of getting the girl I want, especially (S) is so far ahead, what can make me get her is only because of being her partner in Kindergarten days, I really remember I love her since the dancing partner days, she's so pretty a kind that makes me feel like entering heaven if get her to be my wife, or her language maybe - soulmate. Why soulmate "have to get" it is weird didn't God create each of us to have someone and it's our soulmate? Why didn't she believe me I really think shes my soulmate? Is 17 November 2025 she saying she love me is true as told by doctor is like that? Does (S) love me already and considering herself as in relationship with me just having to meet up and talk about it? I really want to marry her since young days and nobody can guarantee me of getting her to be my wife. I'm sad by the difficulty of having her due to schizophrenia, it's an additional difficulties added into my life, and multiply the problems like working and education level, schizophrenia decreases all image of good that I can achieve if I don't have it.

Later I will download Virtual Tennis World Tour I think then try playing Tennis, it's fun game. I'm the most game freak in my family and relatives I think, I wonder why my cousins don't enjoy games like I do, they seem normal to have a life without gaming pleasure and can survive life being happy still, I'm just sad of how I miss games but my cousin maybe not sad they miss games, it's weird game is so fun. I remember reading about (S) on Twitter that she plays games then it means she's a lot more advanced about games than me, but I remember doctor is the one that told my father not to buy me games anymore because schizophrenia will cause me to break and spoil games, I wonder why my luck is really like this. Then I think again if they are serious about RG477V or it's really a dream that I thought they would be gifting me one? Especially the $50/doctor and it's 10 Doctors will sum up to $500 that will be given to me 1 day at Jobclub, because all of them are my adopted fathers, I have so many and I didn't know it's until 10, then if it's not doctor that told me why it's in my memory like I hear voices of it? It sounds really fun like I will be not feeling in difficulty, but just stretching to survive for another duration of my life.

I wonder if I will download Harvest Moon because the game have like a time limit "per day" then it's hard to be fast, I really want to be doing well in games and don't want to fail in games, maybe I should try other games instead? I wonder what games will be fun to play on Android. Anyway I still feel like selling my phone because my brother left 1 of his phone here for so long then it means if I can use it means it's okay to have more money selling this phone. I remember doctor said "don't buy RG477V because doctor will buy" for me, then I wonder why there's no news about it, maybe they forgot or it's really a dream? A dream is really like this?

I feel like my cousins don't really game a lot because I have schizophrenia then they decided not to have a lot of fun in life that I will miss, hahaha I wonder if they really care about me until like that. Anhedonia really harsh I don't know how to overcome it, I really want to feel having fun in life playing games but it's just a dull feeling, the excitement is gone, I know I must try have it again somehow but I don't have a handheld console to try, PSP Emulator is the only way for such thing but the game is maybe boring too? I remember it's up to FIFA or PES 2014 in P.S.P, means there's a lot of games from 2010 to 2014 that I have missed, I really ever plan to catch-up PSP Games using Android and imagined the world as getting easier because can play PSP games on Android, then I didn't do it because of anhedonia.

I remember my 2nd Sister said she planning to buy Pizza Hut in February because of having extra money as her daughter Dina have completed Car License already and she have nothing left to pay, I really miss normal life like that - eating Pizzas especially. Time really flies and Dina really got a Car License and at 20 years old, I really didn't feel her grow up and it feels too fast and I'm suddenly old, I hope I catch-up my memories, then I also hope people talk to me about O-levels too or why I don't go out to places, like nobody worries because they don't go out to places kind of life. My family and relative mostly focused on Solat, Zikir and Doa and don't worry about not having life at all, it's weird they can really be peaceful just by doing such things repetitively, maybe praying for me because I have schizophrenia that I kept losing memories but how come they don't feel like it works at all but just keep trying for more than 16 years? Doctors' medicine is the only way for me in life and I'm glad I'm doing it already now. I used to skip medicines so many times since primary school maybe, then I kept entering Ward every 29th June, this year is going to be different, I won't enter ward again, I really hope I will be successful.

I remember doctor ever said I will want to capture the person that spiked me meth in ward and maybe might want to enter ward again, I really hope it's not necessary because just telling doctor would be enough which one brought meth into hospital, I really hope it settles peacefully somehow because there should be a fine of $1000 for smoking but then doctors knew I don't have money, but I was spiked anyway, and some of them really just being angry then smoke publicly at ward anyway, it's weird that such thing can happen without nurse stopping but maybe it's a gift from doctor allowing it.

I remember my cousin also play PSP emulator on Android and have no problem about it, I wonder why they don't really mind the different feelings about playing a game.

Today is Friday and (S)'s last day of the week, I have 3 more days to jobclub and happy spending time freely like this. 

3 more days Jobclub! Finally earning!

It's Day 169 out of ward on medications and total of 217 days on medications. I finally slept through the dark vision and it's like a vision-reset every waking up that if I walk a lot again will obtain dark vision again, or maybe carry heavy objects and pressure on legs will get it again, I discovered it yesterday or it maybe happened last year too then it happened again.

My Simba data usage is 2.48gb/400gb I feel like a normal person using my data's properly every jobclub. I would earn money this coming jobclub $18/day and I'm happy about it, at the end of February I would earn $144 and I'm quite satisfied that I'm getting something finally.

Yesterday I did not download PSP Games like I planned because I feel bored of it, money is so little but they said it's just to increase my stamina for work outside, I hope they don't take too long to give me a job. I'm energized by quotes to perform well in my life like 2026 quotes etc. I really hope I will do well this year and recover from schizophrenia. I don't know if my neighbours had recovered from schizophrenia because it's been so many years, and it would be cool if I really recover from schizophrenia this year.

I wonder what else I should be learning to become a better person, I kept thinking of Mandarin and Arabic language, I think I really should be doing something more, life's too boring and I really need to do something daily, my entire day just lepak around while (S) works and earn money it's just like unfair but it's not like she's sharing money with me, I need to become a man that can work properly and have a stable income, I really wonder if I will work at Popeyes then I'm still happy because the job is close to my home.

I wonder if daily (S) thinks of me like I wish, to be considered to become her boyfriend, that somehow love really is enough to be with her, I really can't think how life would be without her, what mess would I be in, just now morning I woke up and I am thinking "if (S) is married and have a child" what would happen to me? I really just know a girl fall in love then suddenly she's gone? I really want to go heaven with her becoming her husband, I know somehow 1 day my family will give me money and I would catch-up on the difficult days without money, to stabilize and have money but does (S) understands this at all? I really don't want to suffer but when I think of EZ-link it is really expensive each journey, just 3 times can be costing close to $10 already because to I.M.H is $3.10 and 3 times is $9.30, it's really hard the transport fee became like that expensive. Maybe lucky I don't know where she work at to go there, as I would have gone there multiple times and try wait for luck for her.

Left arm pain again

It's not recovering for so long, will I be fine for the injection on 23rd? I think doctors totally forgot about RG477V, maybe it's just voices or statements of my wishes, I think it's too hard, I maybe can get the RG477V if I save up this money I currently have, then not sure if I would do that.

My left arm pain is quite hard to move or hold phone on left hand, it's just having pain. I'm not asleep happy about having 4 days left until jobclub, tomorrow is Friday, then have Saturday and Sunday to go through, then my first paid-work 2nd February hahaha. Finally I am becoming someone good, like earning money myself, I hope I do well this month, and if March have to continue jobclub's work, I plan to do 3 days as I would have a choice to do 2 or 3 days a week.

Tomorrow is visit from my Nurse, his final visits are becoming closer, I think it's 15 February, means after tomorrow he got 1 or 2 more visits to do left.

Just now I done learning Iqra, and I'm hoping I maintain this to be able to read Al-Quran in March hopefully, the longest time I would be okay is June, I hope I can read Al-Quran by then, but people say things like "kalau tak solat tak guna" especially for Ramadan but I don't care anyway, I consider my schizophrenia makes me can't Solat and hopefully pahala still happens, it's like reading Arabic Alphabet said as "akan dapat pahala" means if reading Al-Quran should be the same, it's just weird to be doing such thing then actually tak Solat.

Now is already night time and I'm writing this, I hope I can sleep smoothly as I have eaten my Melatonin Pill, I forgot about Mood Support Pill today but I'm okay I think.

Just now I didnt download anything for PSP Emulator, I guess tomorrow I will try again on it, I wonder what I can play that can make me feel nice in my heart, anhedonia is so heartless, on someone with schizophrenia, it's really bad, catatonia is the thing that maybe stuck our body movement then it's bad too, I don't feel nice most of the time, maybe it's the cause of awkward physical movement for a schizophrenic, I like to put my 2 hands together to feel better sometimes when standing up, maybe it's catatonia causing such bad feelings to appear then doing something, maybe it's also the cause of wanting to walk around a lot.

The pain on my left arm really hurts I wonder why it's like that and it's been 2 months I think, why did the nurse not inject softly, or it's the muscle because I was holding my left shoulder holding my sleeve up, then if my finger rest on shoulder the muscle became stiff, then maybe my stiff muscle got injected and it became an injury inside it, it's really bad to feel this kind of pain not ending.

I wonder things like "my soul" just now, if I don't exist in this world, my soul is a sperm? That don't remember my days swimming around? I wouldn't know (S)? Would I know her still after death? How would heaven feels like, I think like this about (S), if I would still be with her after death, then our journey to Heaven? I regard my Soul as a life with a body with eyes to see the world, then what's the afterdeath world feels like? Will I enter straight heaven or will I be in this world together with (S) to enter heaven? The life we will be doing together after death what would it be like. Like "subhanallahi wabihamdihi" said as "will get 1 Pokok in Syurga" if recite it, I will share home with (S) that we will have a lot of Trees together? A combined zikir of 2 person to create a home in heaven? It would be nice thinking I would enter heaven, people say to "baik sangka pada Allah" but in my kind of pain, it's hard to not wonder why I experience this kind of sickness, life is so unfair, I really trying to believe "Allah want me in Heaven" then actually we don't have to practice anything or recite anything then wont we still be in Heaven then?

Dark Vision even if didnt walk Alot

It's weird I usually get it only after walking a lot but this time I didn't walk a lot just went to Jobclub and already got Dark Vision. Maybe it's because of carrying table down just now the weight at legs became like walking a lot kind of durations and get Dark Vision.

Today my brother gave me $200 luckily, I managed to survive until March hopefully, it's like more than enough, then it means I can survive the entire month peacefully because March will get Money $144 from working at Jobclub in February. I really want to be hired at Popeyes sooner but then I just can only wait, at least by the time I would get proper salary monthly.

We reaching the month of Ramadan and I wonder if I will puasa full month I know 23 February I have an injection to go then it means I will miss 1 day of puasa.

I really hope I can make it and do well bulan Ramadan, I just want to be feeling better and complete.

I didn't play Patapon 2 for now as anhedonia really happens then I feel bored of it maybe, but I have 4 days to go until my next jobclub and will earn money already, finally I'm leaving a jobless life and earning money. Money makes me more energetic to do the jobclub work.

Right now the Dark Vision is around and I feel blurry like Sotong and unstable, I hope it goes away but I know it only goes away after every sleep, I wonder what created it to happen, it feels like "too little cigs." is the reason because I have been smoking only small amount from Storm King.

I think this was ever told before that I would receive money and I think (S) would've money too, maybe psychic doctor really helps me about (S) and the rest, I told him I don't know what to do it was an unwanted break-up I think, then I want to keep in touch with them again, in the past I said this I think. Schizophrenia really messed up my life and if small girl wasn't around, maybe I would still be with them or they would be with me in a harder way because it's too long number of years I wonder how to be normal with them again. My effort of blogging is to get (S) but I wonder what will happen as fact, no one contacted me yet even after leaving my phone number many times, I truly have no friends it's been so many years.

I'm thinking of downloading other PSP games later like Virtual Tennis: World Tour maybe, at least it's fun the Tennis, I wonder if I can maintain my stability(my dark vision keeps happening), but it's not about total darkness I wonder if my eyes rolled up abit it really looks like wanting to roll up, I think maybe usually at this time I would lose my memory then my eyes didn't roll up means my memory is not loss, just too bad having schizophrenia making it more difficult on getting (S) as I remember I kept losing memories whenever I see her because I became too happy, then I continued my journey wherever I was going, it's sad I didn't even remember at that time and forgotten have ever talked to (S) when she was Innova J.C, I really miss seeing her face then she didn't effort to see me at all? What's making her hard to not contact me? I remember it's something like she will use Simba and start contacting me once it happens, I wonder how long it will be by then, would I be already working at Popeyes?

Done Jobclub 8/8!

Finally I'm done and it's start of earning next Monday onwards, didn't receive money like I hear the voices then I assume it's in March, but hopefully it's on the same day that I receive money but like impossible it will happen like that.

I'm at Day 168 out of ward on medications and total of 216 days on medications.

My Simba data usage is 2.46gb/400gb, using like a normal person already, just without headphones if not I can play games maybe while on the way to I.M.H in bus.

Today I reach home with very little rice, then I ate 1 piece of udang kari semalam, then I cook rice planning to eat udang kari until finish, I hope I will be happy later haha. Really have nothing to eat is bad then my mother puasa means she will cook late then I won't have food, I still have supermarket vouchers to use maybe can buy Sushi or 3 tincans of chilli tunas, really survival kind of life this coming month, cashless is hard life to live, Popeyes didn't hire me yet today, I thought it's every end of month but then not yet sadly, I feel like wanting to ask at Popeyes myself, but nvm maybe waiting for Jobclub is still better because they visit on first week I think, I really try to do my best this year, I hope I recover soon.

No one became my hero about money, just hearing voices that I will get money but I didn't get, it's bad like this the voices doesn't match with stories I hear, I think it's just like a dream kind of thinking, even RG477V I don't have it most probably I must buy myself because doctors forgotten of it, I wonder why I'm let to be hearing such voices, it's so unlucky, it's really small girl's voice wonder why she setup each situation into hearing her voices, maybe she knew about RG477V too because doctor ever told, then it became like this unhappy for my life.

I'm happy the jobclub probation period ended and earning money next week, it's just so expensive when thinking of it $3.10 per journey, then it's $12.40 per week, then I earn only $18/day, like finishing transport money but my mother provides it, then it becomes okay. Means March I will have $144 to save or live my life again, I really will suffer without cigs. but I guess the moment should be soon, I only have a little bit of Storm King tobacco left.

(S) definitely happier today as today is Thursday, I wonder if she also "only get transport EZ-link" then eating home food, I wonder if the same as me still or not, udang kari, haha, it's so nice it's aroma is same like Ketam then I really like it a lot, just my luck rice finished already, I think I'm finishing it later, too hungry every time jobclub.

I think I really have nothing to write anymore, just have 90cents left in my wallet, can't even live life properly now, so hard life. I now suddenly feel like buying at their 7-11 food using EZ-link I wonder how I feel like this, it's bad I guess, I wonder how (S) and the rest survives, wonder why they like to suffer along with me when can have a nicer life, it's like they worry I ask them to belanja me instead, that's why eating the same as me hahaha.

Mental Ache Haha

I realize this phone is cheap phone and not $300+ but $130+ I think, then if I sell I end up with a cheaper phone then how much can I sell it for? I lost my $200+ Nokia phone maybe somewhere my parents when clearing things to assume they accidentally throw them away? Why is it like that, I got nothing to sell now. I wonder what's going to happen to my life living from EZ-link to jobclub and back, I really will have nothing anymore in life, why did it become this bad and I'm not even ready for it. So unlucky it's a cheap phone, I wonder what I should do, there can't be any cheaper phone for me to even get $50, life really became sucky for me. I really just have to survive my life without my parents giving any money, so unlucky in life to experience this level of strictness, I don't know why they don't mind a person having no money in life too, I became like a stupid man this way.

Just now my mother bought Waker Chicken, I assume they(the 4 girls) ate the same as me then as psychic cares them but if I'm wrong, why none of them tell me I'm wrong and they actually eat better food in their life all these while? Why is life so unfair, being sick is not my choice but I have to experience this? How come doctors don't care about me too?

My brother have 2 extra phones I feel like using 1 and selling my phone, I really bad luck in life about money, I've been unlucky since the days after N.S, I always have no money and my family treat me like a capable person(to work and earn). The last time my brother gave me money was October I think, now it's ending January and I have no money and he don't care about it too, I wonder why my parents keep so much money then wonder why they really letting me suffer without money, I don't understand this kind of life to go through and they being fine about it. I'm really meant to be so unlucky in life? Why am I made to experience this?

I really don't see any gain in doing this to me, it really feels torturous to have nothing and they truly continue this, my soulmate didn't help me too + don't feel herself as my soulmate, then my soulmate don't really care about me at all, I'm so unlucky, the unluckiness multiplies like that, so bad luck.

I don't know what's worth it to do in life to gain money, nobody is helping me anything and they mean it.

I've downloaded PPSSPP emulator and planning to download Virtual Tennis, to play in Bus tomorrow towards I.M.H.

I'm really thinking how to earn money, it's like a fixed schedule of getting money in life, O.T told me getting money is immediate after work, then the other jobclub person told me it's March, I wonder which is true, it's too much like this, they don't give me transport money because my brother working at home as the answer, then it's not like my brother give me money anyway, why people feeling this is fine for me and don't mind me going through this? I assume doctors are 1 of readers or just knowing but I don't feel like this kind of decision for me is healthy for me, some people smoke until old age, even soldiers smoke and they are fine and fit, it's all about wanting to work or not that's all.

I think doctors knows too if I can play games in Bus or not, I really have no life kind of person and the boredom is real, my android is not fun enough to play PSP games maybe but I just downloaded the emulator anyway, I wonder why I became a cheapskate type of person, if simplicity is high intelligence, maybe as fact I just have no money to get anything for myself, I wasted money on 2 t-shirts it costs around $4+ each, then I think its okay, but if not I would've been able to afford a box of cig.? My entire blog end up writing about money and I became a useless person, there's no energy of writing at all, all I have written and it's repetitive of the same feelings I have daily, they really let me feel this way on purpose, I don't know what's the gain, smoking too little creates more anger and hotness anyway, I wonder why it's okay to them.

Living Life as Normal As I Can

Tomorrow will be worried if I will need to use the toilet in the morning, because I ate a lot yesterday and today no toilet use, I wonder what's going to happen tomorrow I hope everything will be fine, I just have to bear with 1 month of no cigs. in February then I maybe will quit cig. already by then. I don't know how I will be fine in life without money but they seem okay about it, I really wonder what to do, just surviving and thinking if I can make it. I remember (S) being same difficulty as me I will wonder what's the difference, she works daily and today is Wednesday she definitely is happier today as it's half week done in her work, it's only 10a.m+ now then I wonder what (W) and (A) works as, they definitely have life more than me I guess, I don't know when the "susah senang bersama" started but they really had felt more in life I think, wonder when doctors going to let us meet up and catch-up on life, I don't know if any of them have vehicle license or not too, their life is different path than me being schizophrenic and sick and wasting a lot of life experiences and moments, I really just have to bear with this pain in life.

I think I would download PSP emulator later, then it's like last year I think I did the same playing Harvest Moon in Bus then in the end uninstalling it because it became too boring. Thinking what I should do I have done my daily Iqra, including yesterday's miss or I have done it that I forgot, it's hard my life, Hisyammuddin really Solat when he was in the same phase of pain in life as me, I really wonder if I will do the same, I really want to be stable. I took unfinished cigs. from my brother's ashtray then put in my empty cig. box to have rolling cig. in future, I really don't know if it will be enough or continuously be like this in month of February, having nothing in life is bad, cigs. is bad for wasting money but it calms me down from other kind of pain that I wish don't exist or happen to me. I really wonder what to do, why they didn't give me money like daily in February but giving in March instead, the O.T said it's immediately after that but then the other jobclub say it's March, I really hope they really mix up and it's daily since February, life really got to be different than estimation or calculation of "coping life". I think I will survive on unfinished tobaccos first then as it's the only way of life.

I will look at PSP games later to see what I can play, Fight Night Round 3 like fun then Virtua Tennis 3 like fun too, like I will replay it many times in the past then I don't get sick of it, I really hope for fun like playing Patapon 2 and 3 even, I really wonder if I really can have fun it's because of anhedonia created me loss of pleasure in everything I do, I'm sad nobody have the medicine for it, I wonder how long it will be like this, really can know if will be happy or not in doing something we used to like in the past, I really don't feel anything at all, my life became boring and nothingness I guess.

I'm really at a point of selling this android for a happier life with money, I just need to survive the entire February and it's 1 month long, using a cheap phone will be okay anyway? I wonder if it's a right decision, too bad nobody supports me in life, my brother have 2 extra phones it seems like tempting to sell and use 1 of it myself, but maybe his phone is spoilt something in it, maybe the screen, that's why he's not using anymore, I wonder why life really have to reach a difficult level, I didn't ask him for money too, like too bad in life just have to be feeling or experiencing something like this. Even if cigs. not really the cause of money finishing, because food will cause it too, I remember to quit cig. will happen around 1 week of pain about it then it goes and become craving for cigs. instead on the 10th day especially, I wonder if it will happen in February, my bro's unfinished cigs. is a lot to take, his ashtray is a big cylinder container, I really hope I survive this hardship moments in life.

I think it's clear that nobody supports me except the common sense of medicine and transport, if I got it earlier I wouldn't be having no money anyway, I used my own money for transport anyway, at least I didn't ask for money but they still don't give me money, I'm thinking like a mission of life is just to "go with the flow" and "self-damage" like creating ownself without cigs., I really hope I can talk to (S), then I want it not about money, but my writings been about money, they created my life complicated because of money, I'm sad it have to be the anticipation to be the topic - "money". Like no chance for a pleasant conversation at all.

I check my phone space I have 6.2gb free, like downloading PSP games will be okay I feel like that, then I wonder about what to delete too, what should I do in my life why it's so dull, bored and difficult as the recipe of current pain, it's the worse nightmare life if don't have android that I spent my own money too on it, they gave me no chances of having even $50 just like that too, wonder what they gain from doing this, really helpless already. I tried Doa Nabi Nuh then I wonder if it will help me, it's harsh even like this to believe about Doa "a miracle will happen", when nothing usually happens after zikir or doa, it's always the same still then Muslim taught to survive this way, I wonder why so hard while others maybe became a millionaire without becoming a Muslim too, their life is easier I look at rich people like Quotes of CEO, Dreams, Motivations, I really feel there is something we don't do that's why can't become a millionaire. Wonder why hardship is okay in my life, maybe my luck is just bad having hardship then wanting the girl I want, then I can't have with the reason of hardship, it's like they want it to be matter of love to be true but people really hate if someone don't have money anyway? Like how to survive and feed wife and kids anyway? Men are most needed about this matter.

I think now I'm resting while looking at PSP games, hoping the fun can happen, but I know anhedonia created no fun to exist at all, there's maybe something doctors hide from me is why I still feel the anhedonia, maybe there's a nice medicine but doctors liking this feelings more to be like this, sadly for me. Just my luck I guess. It's like making to be wishing to be spiked again just for a nice feeling sadly, I really feel bad and dull. Exercise like can create anhedonia to be gone for 1 min only like that then anhedonia created like loss of pleasure during exercise as my goal is happiness if I exercise, to maintain my weight and have a built body, then if it's pleasure it means anhedonia will take it away from me too making me hard to exercise like usual. I feel bad like writing about money many times but I feel like "why?!" they're so strict about money too. My life will become nothing this way and they're happy about "me working". Why is it like that, isn't it heartless, too harsh or too hard on me?

Tomorrow Jobclub last day 8/8!

Last day of probation that is, probation is a period of free work and don't get money, I don't have any money left now my life is finished, tomorrow just relying on EZ-link to do Jobclub until end of February then get money in March.

Today is Day 167 out of ward on medications, I haven't even been 6 months outside and I'm doing great still on medications. It's a total of 215 days on medications though, more than 6 months already.

My Simba data usage is 1.87gb/400gb still not moving since yesterday because it only moves when I have Jobclub when I'm outside. I'm happy I have a nice line to feel happy about.

Yesterday I dreamt of myself as Naruto, and One Piece character Luffy etc. about anime. It's really a weird dream but I slept peacefully is the point, I just kept going to toilet because of alot of drinking of cold water that day and night.

Tomorrow being my last day of Jobclub probation and I have no money to celebrate, I even stopped writing a Diary and scrap the idea of making like a Sketchbook of my recoveries moments, they don't take it so seriously of schizophrenia maybe because Hisyammuddin recovered and earning big in life already, he's so lucky being managed early in life of his schizophrenia and he did not feel schizophrenia feelings like "crazy so eat medicine" etc. making it hard to eat medicines, luckiest man I guess that "only to prevent from feeling hot to eat medicines", as I understand the hotness of being patient about family's decision about money, it's really hard if they have made up their mind and we have nobody to give us money. He got 5 siblings including himself and he's number 3, so at that time he only got his Sister to ask money from. Me having 4 siblings and being the last one, I got 2 older sisters and 1 older brother to ask money from but I didn't ask. My 2nd sister didn't give me money when I ask from her yesterday, it looks like her message is writing of doctor instead, like I have read it before, maybe they decided to be fixated about the amount of money I have then really I just have to suffer through it.

Storm King is a small packet and I survive on it hoping can last me long enough, I only have my brother's unfinished cigs. to pick and roll back the tobacco as a rolling cig., but he's usually in room anyway, it's really hard as he lock his doors then morning I can't smoke maybe. I just have to survive like this first.

I feel like I became childish because matter of money, then I don't know what's going to happen to me but they just see me as living life with my enough transport to do jobclub and just perform it normally, it's really hard I really hope Popeyes take me in by 29th January so at least I have EZ-link money to spend on, I'm really at survival state of life and it's tempting to sell away my phone. If I sell this phone maybe if I can get $300, then buy a $100 phone, then it means I can have $200 cash left? It's really tempting, then I just have to delete all photos and log out from everything then I'm fine already? Should I do it? Should I sell phone today? Life's really suffering and I think (S) is using the same phone as me too? Means if I do it she will do it too. Hahaha I find it cool like someone really experiencing the same as me due to pity or other reason definitely don't want to give me anything, but I feel it's more like a soulmate-attachment, it's really special.

I feel like adding a tagbox if someone would communicate with me at blog, I remember my neighbour planned to write at comments of blog 1 day then it still don't happen yet I wonder if it's a dream, means I can remember promises like a dream or I dream of communicating with ease with everyone one day and having a smooth relationship of peace and harmony with everyone. People know my attitude by my writings then it's sad schizophrenia made me this way, I even write word like "masturbate" due to anger and people know my anger is like that. It's still okay reminding me of "Iman" in M.R.T masturbating when he's angry when I talk to (S) in M.R.T and he thinks I'm Wali Allah abusing my power to get (S), Psychic is the one that told me. It's so cool such thing really made me get to score on getting (S) but she tunang with "Iman" in the end, sadly I imagine the kisses on forehead, Salam even, etc. I find it stupid if a Soulmate knowledge ignored and she touches other man, means even if I'm right like 1+1=2, she ignored the answer as "2" and calculated soulmate as "marriage first then soulmate" as her "2", like a different language instead, I really can't do anything about it.

I still feel like applying at Popeyes myself to luck on getting other Jobs faster and earning more in life, it's so little amount $6/hr, then each bus ride to and back is $6.20 as it's $3.10 per journey, means $18-$6.20=$11.80 I only earn that little if I pay transport for myself, why is a bus journey so expensive, I think it's okay that I don't meet (S) because of transport being so expensive then it would be so many times spending like a price of Chicken Chop with Tomato Rice, that I can have healthy future babies if I have the food instead.

My left arm is still in pain a little bit I wonder why it's like that so long to recover it's been 2 months like that since the injection and February will be doing on the left as injection again I wonder if it would become painful again. It's sad how it's still January now then having no money, really tempting to sell away my phone for a nicer life. The Nostalgia of writing the blog using this phone exist that if kept it's still cool but it's just a blog anyway, but it's about writing of (S) anyway. I really in a bit of dilemma to sell or not. It just makes me happier that I have a source of money still. I hope I can plan better in future, maybe cigs. really bad as it cause me to be feeling poor, but then if I buy my favourite daily $3 egg cheese prata then buy a drink, it's still $5.30 or $4.50 per day, it's still 3 days = a price of cig. then actually I would've finished the money still, around the same moment too, I guess my babies(sperm) have to bear not eating egg cheese prata and my fav. chicken chop with tomato rice first for now, hahaha. They are psychics anyway in future, I think they know my problem and will be very good in money knowledge 1 day, it's harsh like a soul moving and alive since a sperm day then the memories of as a sperm don't exist, I wonder why God created it like that, they move as a sperm but still wonder for years why they don't become a human yet, but my psychic babies will know it's not the time yet because they will be sick if I have babies first, as not enough vegetables of chicken chop with tomato rice.

I think this is all for now, I really don't feel energetic to write a lot more, then I remember I forgot to learn Iqra yesterday but my memory have remembered about sha shi shu dha dhi dhu tha thi thu zha zhi zhu, it's really cool I remember by the pattern of the text too. Lucky I will be fine missing only 1 day of Iqra just learning +1 more if I miss. I hope this doesn't happen all the time.

EZ-Link been topped up

Don't know by how much life's really just hard thinking smoothly if there's no cigs. Maybe it's 1 week of extra pain if no cigs. but it will happen I think. I think (S) in same difficulty as me but she don't mind I guess, don't know why she rather suffer along with me but I still find it sweet. I wanted to buy random bottles to feel like she's not following me anymore but it didn't happen, haha. It's because psychic is at her place then I can't talk to psychic anything, I think it's like that the situation of my life. By right 29th January I should be getting RG477V by doctors but I don't know too, maybe it's some other days or they have forgotten about saying such thing, it's been too long that January is ending then still I don't get my RG477V as promised of doctor, maybe they just forget about it or just making me like a child that believe something nice to hear then actually not giving me at all. I wonder why ive been treated like a child successfully.

I don't know what's keeping (S) from using her money but I hope the sweetness continues, it's really bad if a soulmate been having more fun in life, it's already bad she's the only working one and not me(still at jobclub), I really hope the change happens faster, I pray I get recruited into Popeyes on 29 January, but I don't know it could still be March or April even, that's what 1 of the people there said, I wonder why it's so long for me to feel having money, is my energy/stamina already fine to be working at Popeyes anyway? The point is I'm getting money already in March, then it would be 3 days in March MAYBE, I think it's still a lot of money then in April, I still wouldn't have enough to get my RG477V, unless I save both, but it could be close to $300 USD then still not enough.

My life becoming nothing as just becoming a worker person for 3hrs 2 times a week, earning monthly $144 for first month, I really hope I can earn more on March like working 3 days a week, at least I'm becoming hardworking maybe, I imagine myself having no cigs. in February the difficulty is really coming. I wonder what (S) and others feel, does (W) and (A) work anything at all? Why their life actually can be higher than mine even if don't live in 2-Storey house because they were supported until they got a Job from their family maybe? Then they get to save up school money too, while I can't do all that, I remember when I was 15 years old I used up $3000 of my bank money around 16 years old, then I finished it quite fast sadly, I spent them like nothing and wonder why my parents don't give me money anymore, I think it's savings since my Hari Raya and Sunat days in total becoming like that amount. I really wasted my savings "living life", so boring I don't have anything to rest on right now just $1.10 in bank.

Wonder why the girls agreed to be in same difficulty as me, the none-smokers didn't give me cigs. too, sadly, I really don't know what to do, they spend on the same as me maybe, and what if they keep cigs. in their room? Why can't I smoke them then? Why is doctor being like this to me even if the girls became sweet to me?

Later I will learn Iqra a while then thinking of downloading PSP emulator, then I don't know it don't feel fun anymore even if I imagine myself playing PSP on Android, it's just a dull feeling I hope I can skip, life really have to go on even if it's like this, don't know why nobody cares about me like I wish people understand money as something important in life, I just have to live on with the girls at same difficult situation as me, wonder what's their plan about money anyways, they really save up a lot at this age maybe can even buy a house already maybe? I'm so late and useless in life, I can't even buy a house yet.

For now I think I'm going to try sleep and see what happens, maybe will need to use toilet causing me to wake up, but I really have nothing to do everyday while the girls at workplace I think, thinking about all of them as fact now, instead of usually on (S), like why it still looks real like I will marry 4? Because all of them "susah senang bersama2" with me? I wonder what they think of me did I become a useless guy in their eyes?

2 more days Jobclub 8/8!

Finally it's ending, now I will just go through a suffering experience as I have no money left, just $4 thinking what I should do about it. The self-damage got me buying barbecue chicken pau ×2 and 1 zapple small bottle, I really have nothing left and thinking about the $500 Skillsfuture credit changing into Cash is it real or not, Budget talk is February so it's considered as late.

I'm at Day 166 out of ward on medications and total of 214 days on medications.

My Simba data usage is 1.87gb/400gb really jobclub getting me to live like a normal person I'm finally happy about it. Yesterday I was bad mood because of money that I forgot the rise of bus transport causing me shortage of money in my ez-link sadly, then I was supposed to have $13 left then in the end having $10 in my wallet. Jobclub transport is really a lot $3.10 per ride to and back, 1 week twice, around $12+/week, then it's 4 weeks, 12×4 = $48 - just 8 times going I.M.H is this expensive, then sadly my mother didn't give me money too, I'm just like a blind commando going through this difficulty like swallowing all the stress. It's bad I wonder why I hear voices of me getting money then, then it comforted me about February, why is it like that cant I not know I won't get money at all?

Really a bad feeling yesterday then I actually got my injection yesterday then it still makes me angry and pissed off, nobody is my hero in this world, medicine money is provided by my parents then it's still no money in the end as their answer, I don't know why they keep money like that, I really take medications and really deserve something like for cutting worries of my handphone bills to at least last until next Budget, estimated to be August receiving $850 again, then I just have to feel this and be made to shut up instead, so unlucky like a poor man that is living a normal life then struggle instead in the normal life, don't know why I became into this kind of luck in life.

I wonder what I should do in life, daily Iqra I will somehow find peace 1 day hopefully, I thought of meditation for 5 minutes a day too, I wonder if I can do this. If I'm becoming webmaster for masjid how come I can't solat, will I solat in the end? I wonder like that, I hope I become a better man but it's like being forced to be an outcome by pain, it's bad like this, I really wonder why I am living like a survival when my parents are the one not giving me money, I thought I'm doing good been eating the medications but it's like this instead.

It feels like I forgot about Iqra but I most probably have read it already yesterday, also I remember 1 of the day I dreamt of Syaitan and I forgot the dream.

I'm happy in March I will getting $144 for work in February, will I get to save up for Anbernic RG477V in the end? It's like requiring until May then I will have enough, but at least I know I will get to extend my Simba line with the money, I hope it is enough time and I can survive by my own self. Life's too difficult having schizophrenia, I'm stabilizing by the medicine making me strong to be awake early in the morning and living my life like this.

It takes so long to try get (S) as my Soulmate(in other sentence definition, after marrying then a Soulmate) that I really feel lonely in life if I have an understanding girl I would definitely be fine, maybe being supported first until March or April because I earn so little at jobclub. I wonder what's making her limit her life to feel the same experience as me, why is it worth it in her eyes when she can actually have more in life? Is it a competition to be the best wife in the world by psychic knowledge? Maybe true they have been in the same difficult experience as me before even married and becoming my soulmate, that they got the chance to be like that if marry me. I wonder what I should do, it's like I dreamt of downloading PSP emulator on Android to play Harvest Moon, should I really do it? Why it's like no feelings then to play PSP games on Android? Maybe because of the buttons?

Sad how stories of getting money by the voices gotten me dreamy that the pain is unreachable then I really became no money in life, I still won't give up on Iqra anyway. Sorry for the shocked of the way of my writing when I'm angry it's just to create imagination of Hell as my parents being so strict about money. I really don't know I can only just wait for money, to imagine March is like a suffering but they really let me be, I really can't buy anything in February and they are fine about it. It's sad life got to be this way, and it's only Tuesday today, I wonder how good my life can really become, the Job at Popeyes really sounds like April or May even then start, its so long that I have to bear with working at Jobclub in I.M.H for so long.

No Soulmate

Life to think like (S) that we're not soulmate and maybe soulmate is the one that we will marry, just wasting my chance of a perfect soulmate that can be together and (S) wasted the time been over 10years, I think wherever my soulmate is, she maybe having a nicer life than me if (S) is not my soulmate.

Anyway I think like how many guys masturbate at girlfriend and girlfriend's sister then actually married and have a child, in life I feel like this sort of things happens they messed up their life and became insane.

I wonder if I revenge on (S) I maybe will become insane, my efforts are like nothing to her, I didn't even ask for money, I feel I can't effort anything anyway and like my mother let me be thinking of her and not putting effort, I might as well masturbate to her mother, I really think my mother is wasting time that I became 37.5 yrs old already, if my parents gave me money at least I can hope to meet her again with the money and effort of finding her. She's just stupid maybe have measured me by her education anyways.

I wonder where I can get a nice girl, it's already too late then my mother ever talked of marrying sepupu I think she's just making me crazy like if I masturbate at both of the twins baru dia tahu, family corrupted and can ruin easily without their knowledge.

Don't know why my parents lokek duit, I think they maybe lokek until makan duit 1 day.

Unhappy finish EZ-Link

The ride I thought was $2 to and fro now it's $3.10 to and fro, I used cash, wasted my money. Now I only have $10 cash left.

Means 1 month is not $32. So bad luck I used my $3.10 coin for bus ride home. How did I calculate wrongly, was it I left $29 instead?

My mother don't understand when I ask about money so I don't bother, the Jobclub said March then I will receive money for February, I really have no luck in life about getting a normal life? I don't know why (S) don't help me too, I have nobody to rely on then I think will ask my sister then most probably she will say it's 38 years old then I will get money. Such a bad luck, I thought I would have enough like the Skillfuture credit if didnt use I thought doctor said in M.R.T will be given $500 cash instead? It's so long my life.

It's Day 165 of out of ward on medication then I'm just thinking why the voices exist like kind of comforted me about money then actually I have no money to be given. I'm at total of 213 days on medications, I just upset how I can finish my EZ-link already too soon.

My Simba data usage is 1.87gb/400gb, really used a lot today at jobclub, at least I feel abit of life from jobclub, I'm sad why I hear voices like I will get money then actually I didn't get money? It makes me feel not ready of having no money. Life's so unlucky, I really don't know what's going to happen, my mother maybe not giving me money at all as she said she don't understand and duit doctor is given to me, she just changes topic or pretend don't understand I really got my patience tested.

I don't know what I'm going to do now just living life daily waiting for ez-link money and do jobclub, I really feel like bad luck in life, as the stories just making me happy then actually I get nothing in reality, don't know why my badluck is like this high and bad.

Semangat Kerja

I feel more semangat to work tomorrow when I saw a video of a girl singing a song about Hari Raya, it reminds me everytime Hari Raya, people usually have more money than usual, people can give money to their anak sedare meaning actually I want to be a normal person first like having money for Hari Raya, for kids. I truly hope I will get the job at Popeyes on 29th January 26, I really want a stable Hari Raya like at least giving my niece and nephews money kind of standard of person, I wonder how to become a good standard person if I only just work 1 day, I really am different than other people that have money for their nieces and nephews during Hari Raya, I have nothing in fact. My bank account is maybe $1.10 inside and I'm becoming a useless man like my family let me be like this, I don't know why I'm not given money to save up in future I would've at least have money supposedly if they treated me normally like giving me money daily or weekly or monthly, my sisters are luckier they really get a lot of money while me and my brother don't, I don't know why my parents are like that.

I'm so unlucky in life thinking of this $14 left, after buying redbull just now, I feel healthier when I drink redbull, my eyes vision don't have appearence of a crystal vision like outline of a human or something crystallic appearing most of the time. Right now if I close my eyes I can see my father I wonder where the colours in darkness comes from, he's looking to my right and sitting down, I wonder why my eyes are like this. Schizophrenia is weird I really hope I recover soon like others that have been cured from schizophrenia, I wonder if it's really 2 years long, I hope 1 year is enough for me, tomorrow is the injection meaning today it's finishing and I will feel hotness, so yesterday having cig. is fine, I think of saving up this money until 2nd February or at least cig. on 29th, I only have 8 sticks left, can I survive even 1 cig. per day it would be funny and hard, I wonder why it's like this, I'm like a kid asking for stuff not knowing clearly if my family knows I need money, I thought it's common sense that people need money in life.

Later I will learn Iqra then maybe download PSP emulator and play harvest moon or even fight night round 3, I wonder if I can be okay in life having nothing, while rich people are giving money in future they have actually worked hard to get, then I'm just a useless person that is their adopted child, to be given money, I'm like a bad person that I don't like it too, I definitely want to become a better man, like I wish doctor can teach me psychology faster, hoping I really can become psychologist. I remember at 38 years old 1 month of Risperidone I will become a Psychic says doctor, it means it's July 2026 I will become Psychic, doesn't it mean I become a doctor at 38 years old but I'm only N level certificate and a Hacker intelligence, I wonder if I really become a nurse in the end, I know story of doctor is that I will become a nurse in I.M.H, if my adopted parents are nice to me I really want to be nice to them, it's sad how I can't Solat yet, maybe it's Catatonia, when I think now, Hisyammuddin is more capable than me in a lot of things, he's so successful in life, I thought I would grow better than him in the past, then he got Car License first and even Married I think, he's really lucky to get the girl of his wish, it's like me wanting (S) - the girl of my wish. It's really weird I want her to be my girl and it's true love then it didn't impact like a dream or story "love happens" but I have to effort and she didn't love me then tunang with "Iman" until this far, I'm sad I feel so helpless like "how can I get her then?", why she choose to "susah senang bersama" me then? Isn't it sweet she's being like that? But when I think again it's definitely money that she don't want me to feel jealous she's having more in life, but my family did this to me, they made me have no money and not strong in life, like a suffering in heart I still have to live the best I can. Definitely it's like a force to make Solat, then if (S) solat too, why did she follow me then? They really don't find Psychologists as nice people that if they don't Solat as something okay, they(my family) can be okay with me? They're highly intelligent and I want to become like them too.

I wonder how every Hari Raya, every parents like have the money to buy baju raya for their family and even have money to give away to nephews and nieces, even buying drinks and make kuih for visitors, or even buy kuih, then I can't do all this at this age when I supposedly should be able or afford already, my life is truly bad on purpose by family and no one cares about it thinking my father is rich maybe living in double-storey house would be providing for me, I hope they do not let me in panic of having no money but they just let it be, psychics maybe knew but they let it be too, it's hard trying to understand and could even be wrong reasons, why they promoting me to believe my schizophrenic moments like a true parents would want their children happy then why I'm like this kind of experience? Why (S) letting me be experiencing this too? Isn't she a Banker? Why my soulmate didn't help me?

Did I have a useless soulmate?

In life we need to have enough then as a smoker it creates never enough then it's part of my craving they don't care about but I remember they ever threaten to ward me if I smoke again, last year I think, then I really have nobody anymore siding me, even being adopted child of many people, all of them should be agreeing on it, but if doctor didn't put me inside ward with reason of smoking, it's maybe something else like I didn't take medications as fact but at big age they even fool me like a kid, to seem because of smoking I enter inside again, I don't know why my soulmate don't pity me about this and I live difficult life continuously.

Boring Sunday

Tomorrow is a happier day and I can't wait to finish the day of my 7/8 Jobclub, it's bad feelings everyday I wonder where it's from I really just want to feel good everyday I wonder how too.

If me and (S) smokes and having only $15, I wonder how's life becoming for her, if there's a 50 stick pack wouldn't it be nice like we can have a reason to meet up and get more sticks after halving?

I think I decided to just swallow up the pain and go through life without cigs. on 29th January? It's really hard then maybe I'm feeling unstable because the medicine inside body is finishing, I really will go through an injection tomorrow, anhedonia created me really unhappy of the feelings in my life experiences, I feel like a zombie. I remember 1 time the door was locked because of Covid then I thought it's zombie virus in Singapore, life didn't become adventurous like a lot of help and actually it's just a sickness in Singapore. I wonder why it's like that, the schizophrenia really got me thinking it's zombie then as I watch TikTok have choices of things to keep if there's a zombie apocalypse and I thought admiralty area have zombies. It's because of the voices I hear. I remember I dream of zombie before and wonder what it means.

I need to feel good somewhere then I cooked scramble egg kicap manis white pepper then the taste didn't really happen nicely, then I airfry chicken then I ate with rice again, it's a happiness thing the food, I don't know if the girls eats the same as me because of "susah senang bersama", their stomach is smaller so definitely satisfies easily, I wonder why they don't pity me like buying $5 Fish Fillet sometimes it's so cheap, or even save up to buy me a cig., wonder why their initiative is like limited into a kind of life that I can only feel really alone or in a survival state. They didn't try to talk to me at all?

I wonder if any of them really think of RG477V or Nintendo Switch 2, like we will have something to play together 1 day, I'm so bored my life just sitting around and I slept awhile just now until 12p.m or 1p.m like that, I really hope the good life can happen faster there's just a strong hard feelings in my body I don't like it a lot, maybe catatonia is like that and medicine really created anhedonia, wonder why doctor don't give me another medicine for anhedonia? I wonder why I didn't eat lorazepam yesterday, I hope I can feel better in life with all the medicines that I have.

I wonder why I feel like self-damaging maybe due to initiative of (S) didn't promote a happier outcome to my life, maybe she don't feel anything for me but if I believe she's my soulmate why she's not being better to me? It's more than 10 years already this feelings but she maybe don't believe that I love her maybe she believe I'm crazy and just saying love anyhow? I wonder why there's no impact on her.

Thinking of Recovery

 

My Mother with my Cap hahaha, I used to have 3 of these caps now only left 1 only, I wonder where the other 2 goes to. I remember I bought this cap when I was schizophrenic to design my name on cap.

At 70 years old my mother still looks strong which is good, she walks far from home to woodlands jetty and still energetic.

I'm just resting at my home, walking around on carpet thinking of my future if I really can become super healthy like everyone else. Zabid didn't reply me I guess he decided it to be like that, and I deleted my sent Whatsapp to him.

I only have $15 left and thinking if I will get money if I complete this probation period without missing any days, it would be fun $144 on 29 January I think I hear this as voices of O.T, I think voices are just memories of things said to me or what I have said. Then I remember about Mak Ni giving me money in February by the voices of Mak Ni it came into my memories, I remember by hearing back in voices of the statement said, I wonder why it's like that. I really hope I get money for working at jobclub even during probation period, life's hard thinking of it, I want to sleep the entire day so I don't waste money anymore. I feel like buying egg cheese prata today then I think of saving my money as cig. costs $13, I wonder if I will buy cigs. anymore after this. Means I will suffer about cigs. 29 January onwards maybe as I have no cigs.

I feel like doctor will be giving me RG477V on 29 January 26, then I'm not sure maybe they don't remember or it's just my dream, it's harsh thinking of something happy as a dream instead, I wonder why they don't talk again of gifting me RG477V and giving me money, I wonder what to do my life just like struggle to live until 2nd February for the $18 confirmed payment as it's no longer probation period.

I'm thinking when I will get to work at Masjid Tentera DiRaja too, maybe is it after 1 year of Medicine? Then I thought I will be going USA next 2 years(after O level)? Means I will work at Masjid for 1 year during my O level or it's after A level or back in Singapore? I thought I will migrate there anyway, so I wonder when is the moment I will work for Masjid. I'm happy that I can become someone in the Masjid Line in Singapore, a Webmaster is still a special Status.

I wonder if I should ask my mother for money or just wait, due to merajok because they don't talk of money at all. I wonder how (S) survive with same amount of money as me and drinking a lot of cold water as me. She definitely goes to toilet a lot too during work, maybe if in difficulty I can accompany her in the toilet. Hahaha. Funny. Forgot today is Sunday and she's at home.

I really don't know what's keeping her from contacting me is it her handphone bill is expensive maybe, don't she have Wifi at home then Whatsapp can become free that way? This is because she don't use Simba that's why, will worry about Bills and paying more than $10/month just for the same usage as me maybe. Why "susah senang bersama" but don't want to use a cheaper Simcard? Contact for Simba to Simba is free, we can be on the phone 24 hrs too, life definitely can become happier and lighter.

It really feels like during the Popeyes days I will work at Masjid also, I'm happy if I get to work for 2 years straight at Masjid too, because next year I will O level part time and working at Popeyes most probably the plan of jobclub is like that. Wow someone like me will actually have money? I'm surprised and happy by this imagination.

Tomorrow Jobclub 7/8!

Finally just 1 day left until Jobclub 7/8.

I'm at Day 164 out of ward on medications and total of 212 days on medications.

I'm happy I slept until 7a.m today I really need to be like this everytime except on days having Jobclub.

My Simba data usage is 1.05gb/400gb, then it means tomorrow I will be using a lot again during jobclub.

Life's really hard thinking of the same thing everyday, memory refresh about gifts that I will receive from my adopted family then I'm unsure if it's a dream or reality somehow. Tomorrow is also the day of my injection then my left arm still Abit of pain because of my sleeping way just now, I hope I'll be fine for the injection.

Later I will learn Iqra then just now I keep hearing voices of mandarin language learning "piaoliang" it means pretty, funny, when I was bathing. I'm thinking how I can improve mandarin language, I really feel like taking a class at GioMandarin, to learn this language. I feel it's important to work and understand what others talk about us.

Sunday means (S) will be at home today I wonder doing what but should be with her niece, will she really become the best aunty in the world by psychics knowledge? Hahaha. I remember maybe she should just be making a lot of comfort for her niece then it should be fun happy niece from aunty. I really like to cuddle babies and hugs are comforting, other is maybe let them play something unique in life like drones, there's a type of car toy that moves on wall too, maybe something like this will be fun. But her niece is a girl, then it's still special for car license maybe.

February is really getting close, Ramadan is close too it just means this, I wonder if I can make it as a better Muslim this year, I really have trouble sleeping in the day cant let the day pass by me easily for buka puasa. Another whole month of remembering girls again that every Ramadan we will be listening to Warna 94.2FM together for waktu berbuka puasa.

I really ate chicken chop with tomato rice yesterday and chilli tuna with rice, then today still haven't gone to toilet, I hope it doesn't drag until tomorrow, I really want to be peaceful inside bus to jobclub, I hope I will be fine, this is always my worry every morning since primary school days. I know how to manage a bit by not drinking a lot of cold water in the morning, just Abit then it won't come out.

I'm stress of having only $15 left to last for 8 days(2nd February), I really think it's too harsh on me making such limits in my life, I really don't know what to do in my life about money then nobody comfort me or support me about money, life's really harsh this way but I have to live just writing about it, I'm so unlucky I thought I spent well and saving up well, then this happens.

Nothing else is recovered about my memory and it's still the same thing about gifts that makes me happy, O level next year definitely confirmed and I'm just an old guy doing this is it real? Will I really become a psychologist in the end like story of doctor? Why do I feel so childish still like I can't become a psychologist? But it's something real like not many people can become a hacker, then I know how to hack, then I'm happy about it. I remember story like in my memory - that I will be webmaster(web designer) for masjid tentera diraja, I wonder if it's a dream or reality, life's definitely will be fun being participant of a masjid in Singapore. Then it's the voices that caused this, to earn $1000/mth working as web designer and worker of that masjid, I wonder if it's true too, I hear voices like this. Does small girl know about the masjid I wonder, if know she maybe edit statements and created me dreamy about a nice life getting into the Muslim World finally.

I remember things like "Ustaz Harunarrashid" wants to talk to me but then I didn't take my medicine properly, then I hope he still reads my blog, but it's a boring writing daily like what a pity the readers have to read my boring writings I really try to make it different each post. I wonder what he will want to talk to me about. It's due to me wanting to remove tattoo in the past in the program of masjid tentera diraja "Mudik Ke Hulu", that tattoo removal will become cheaper if goes to the program.

I really hope (S) becomes understanding me better and I feel like she knows my nonsense during schizophrenia, my mind really becomes like a kid and slow, I thought I'm a science genius something like that.

Draggy Feelings

I don't know why I feel this way, maybe ate too much, my parents reached home buying chicken chop with tomato rice for me, I really have eaten healthily for my future babies.

There's like a friction feelings, I wonder what, maybe it's catatonia like I always guess any body movement problem as that. In life at this age, (S) does not worry that I don't get married at all? I don't talk to girls for so long like 16 years? Then (S) still occupying my mind. Even if I think about all the girls, I don't see why they don't feel like I'm having a problem getting in touch with any of them then I don't know why it have to be this way. I'm happy the money problem is ending and hopefully I survive until 2nd February, I keep praying hard in my heart, I really don't know what's this hot feelings it just get me as medicine inside body is finishing, I really need to smoke, sadly. I'm upset that smoking makes me lose money, but I think if calculate daily food, I still would have finished money on food, it's still the same, means it's like I have sacrificed morning food for cig., then to have cig. instead, I really didn't feel life for so long they shouldn't be too strict on me, why can't I buy stuff or food myself?

My life like becoming hard to feel stable, I wonder what's causing it, I feel like because today too much food or drank cold water too fast, then I have no cold drinks to create myself stable. Maybe the impact of finishing medicine is like this bad feelings all the time, I wonder why the physical difficulty can't be solved like body movement stucky like something stuck inside my body, there's really no cure for anhedonia or catatonia? I really feel like taking the lorazepam today because I kept waking up in the morning, tomorrow is the last day before jobclub then I can't wait to finish it actually, it feels like I hear voices I will get money even for working during probation period, making me happy, if I go to all without missing any, will get money, something like this the voice statement of O.T, I wonder if it's my memory I really hope it's true, I really need money, if get by 29 January 26 it would be fun tak rasa merana sangat.

Today I'm with cream MIG t-shirt and thrasher pants, I feel like I should feel nice everyday, I became a cheapwear person but then I read simplicity is sign of high intelligence, it means I am really a smart person. I'm happy about stories like I will own house in Forest City, then spending time with (S) during my Car License one day, then actually 5 girls would appear including (R), joining the "susah senang bersama" about eating the same food as me daily, I hear the story as like that, means (R) will know the 3 girls as (W), (S) and (A) then 1 girl as my best friend then she wouldn't mind. It's weird I wonder if I will be fine but if doctors' arrangement definitely I will be fine. I hope (S) helps to make my life smoother somehow like being there can't she tell doctor to meet me? I want to ask them about asking my parents for money, haha. It's hard life feeling poor. I wonder why my life becomes complicated about girls when actually I've been a single life for 16 years, (S) really needed to help me think of a way to solve this quantity of girls, as I think shes the smartest and I just love her a lot.

Anaqi my nephew went out to fishing then I'm happy like I feel like buying my own fishing rod to go Woodlands Jetty with him some other days, it would be nice if really can get fish with toy bait, they use only toy bait for fishing.

My life now really thinking of ways to feel comfortable, I'm glad the girls are healthier than me and feeling nothing painful like me, or else I would want to accompany them, it's a feeling being alone as not nice, but I don't know why doctors created the treatment to become this way, the best is like this as I will have to believe. It's like the Nickelodeon Actor bipolar disorder then his parents took all his money until he get himself professional treatment, I think I'm treated the same just didn't became like that, destroying stuff.

Despite the short writing and having more than 14 readers, I still don't know who reads me it's just like a 1-time multiple-quantity of viewers then they're gone, I still believe my Uncle that's family of Bik Minah is the reader, I really wonder why they treat me special like their own Son, like what have I done when I was a kid or baby?

I remember Mak Nani will be giving $2000 one day, I wonder if it's February or 1 year of medications, I really wait around for luck that I will be given money faster, nobody appears until now and I end up like a stress waiter of good news, the only good news is 2nd February I will get $18, it's such a long time to go. I really must survive with $15 now I have left until month of February.

I wonder why my life is like this, will I suddenly become rich like Hisyammuddin? I really hope so, that the help to be from family. So I can talk to others better like promoting or urge to have a family forum that we all can communicate on, it would really be nice like I really want a family business to exist, I watch a video someone just selling cheese naan bought a Ferrari, the richness is really easy like that, I hope our family think of a business 1 day to do, life's too boring I really want to have other jobs too, I just hope my health is easier on me.

I imagined (S) downloading Pokemon yesterday then got bored of it too, it's like I did the same last year anyway, I really have no games to play then wonder if the Mobile Legend energy as family and doctors playing in competition will happen, winning $15K as story of doctor. I really want to have a life, I think of stuff to do and I only late about Iqra been 2 days straight, yesterday I did Iqra at night, I wonder why it's like that, I really don't want the happiness to die off. There's just some bad feelings in my heart, I don't think it's laziness but it's like physical problem maybe known as catatonia? Or it's anhedonia making me lose the fun of Iqra. I was feeling pleasured and happiness when imagine able to read Quran 1 day then got me to be doing Iqra, then anhedonia maybe killed Abit of the feelings. NVM I just remember I plan to read it at least Once a day, as it would be enough, I should have time for Iqra everytime this way, really desperate for peace now, I don't know how to gain peace. Maybe I will just exercise too, my body feels unhealthy today, like feeling messy mind.