My left arm pain is quite hard to move or hold phone on left hand, it's just having pain. I'm not asleep happy about having 4 days left until jobclub, tomorrow is Friday, then have Saturday and Sunday to go through, then my first paid-work 2nd February hahaha. Finally I am becoming someone good, like earning money myself, I hope I do well this month, and if March have to continue jobclub's work, I plan to do 3 days as I would have a choice to do 2 or 3 days a week.
Tomorrow is visit from my Nurse, his final visits are becoming closer, I think it's 15 February, means after tomorrow he got 1 or 2 more visits to do left.
Just now I done learning Iqra, and I'm hoping I maintain this to be able to read Al-Quran in March hopefully, the longest time I would be okay is June, I hope I can read Al-Quran by then, but people say things like "kalau tak solat tak guna" especially for Ramadan but I don't care anyway, I consider my schizophrenia makes me can't Solat and hopefully pahala still happens, it's like reading Arabic Alphabet said as "akan dapat pahala" means if reading Al-Quran should be the same, it's just weird to be doing such thing then actually tak Solat.
Now is already night time and I'm writing this, I hope I can sleep smoothly as I have eaten my Melatonin Pill, I forgot about Mood Support Pill today but I'm okay I think.
Just now I didnt download anything for PSP Emulator, I guess tomorrow I will try again on it, I wonder what I can play that can make me feel nice in my heart, anhedonia is so heartless, on someone with schizophrenia, it's really bad, catatonia is the thing that maybe stuck our body movement then it's bad too, I don't feel nice most of the time, maybe it's the cause of awkward physical movement for a schizophrenic, I like to put my 2 hands together to feel better sometimes when standing up, maybe it's catatonia causing such bad feelings to appear then doing something, maybe it's also the cause of wanting to walk around a lot.
The pain on my left arm really hurts I wonder why it's like that and it's been 2 months I think, why did the nurse not inject softly, or it's the muscle because I was holding my left shoulder holding my sleeve up, then if my finger rest on shoulder the muscle became stiff, then maybe my stiff muscle got injected and it became an injury inside it, it's really bad to feel this kind of pain not ending.
I wonder things like "my soul" just now, if I don't exist in this world, my soul is a sperm? That don't remember my days swimming around? I wouldn't know (S)? Would I know her still after death? How would heaven feels like, I think like this about (S), if I would still be with her after death, then our journey to Heaven? I regard my Soul as a life with a body with eyes to see the world, then what's the afterdeath world feels like? Will I enter straight heaven or will I be in this world together with (S) to enter heaven? The life we will be doing together after death what would it be like. Like "subhanallahi wabihamdihi" said as "will get 1 Pokok in Syurga" if recite it, I will share home with (S) that we will have a lot of Trees together? A combined zikir of 2 person to create a home in heaven? It would be nice thinking I would enter heaven, people say to "baik sangka pada Allah" but in my kind of pain, it's hard to not wonder why I experience this kind of sickness, life is so unfair, I really trying to believe "Allah want me in Heaven" then actually we don't have to practice anything or recite anything then wont we still be in Heaven then?
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