Tough experience

Remembering a lot about what Alysha said, it's confusing my mind like why I have to endure these if I walk a lot, like I will hear voices that makes me angry or sad most of the time.

It's tiring my eyes, I think I'm supposed to memory loss that's why I kept experiencing dark vision, Alysha is such a trouble maker, I feel so bad luck being her target then law didn't help me too, right now I'm hearing her voices been for a long time since just now dark vision. I'm just enduring it, but I go to my air-cooler and switched on the Aircon mode and I feel better from the hot angry feelings, if schizophrenic I would've been burning in pain and lying on bed stucked/catatonic from her voices and only can hear voices of hers, I'm so bad luck, I hope this ends soon.

Her voices pretending as R, Epul, Crow Yuzree etc. is tiring me from the anger I feel, I just hope I can sleep, but I can only sit down now, usually schizophrenic I would lie down then suddenly sat up from bed, it would be sudden like an electric shock I remember the past from her voices, it's so much anger that I can't even lie down softly, like needing to get her(this revenge feelings) to feel satisfied and at peace. It's hard to believe she talks a lot when she's her crazy mood, she looks like a soft girl as fact, I think only my family and neighbours saw her attitude/personality and I wonder why it's a secret, if she goes viral would be funny but I wouldn't do that I guess, I can only remember I can make fun of her as she thinks she's Jesus Christina as full name, sometimes she can turn into an Islamic mode and talk about Islam a lot. I really dont know how to make the voices go.

I'm a person suffering from schizophrenia that my memories comes back in the form of voices itself, I'm so unlucky it's only called "schizophrenia", so there's no catatonia and anhedonia medicine for me but I read lorazepam is for catatonia and fluoxetine for anhedonia, it still don't work for me I just will request oral medication on 31st August I think, I hope counsellor exist to help me request such medicine to doctor, I'm so sick of feeling fear of questions, I'm so bad luck like feeling angry in secret many times of my life. Angry is a bad feeling in heart, people can die from heart attack due to anger or shock, then Alysha definitely attacked my heart a lot in the past, I'm so unlucky to meet her in my life journey. Nothing can reverse this she needs to pay 1 day.

Reminded of stuff

It's boring I can't joke with Wahdiah and Shahridah like doctor saying I am Potential 2nd Top Mastermind ranked after Dajjal(being the first), then I would have lied to them both that I'm secretly a Mastermind and would they report me to the police, hahahaha. It's so fierce doctor said of me like that, that if I become a mastermind I would enter prison for at least 2 years, but still become a Wali Allah.

I can't scare them when they're not around, but it made me proud of having such intelligence to be strong like Dajjal it means I will be a good manpower to Imam Mahdi, I really wonder what Law thinks of believers of Islam that want to work for Imam Mahdi, why they don't make it clear like telling Islam to just wait for Imam Mahdi then the world will be more peaceful?

Nowadays the terrorism is not clear in the world like only war stories is Israel and Hezbollah, it's really cool as it's more peaceful, but what's weird is theres no viral about criminal mind like gays named as "Muhammad" to change their names, people should protest that they change their names and it should become viral like making their image bad, but it didn't work like that in the media, they are so lucky about it.

I'm thinking what to do in life, I know I should be completing games on my handheld console but I haven't done it, I just want to see what the stages looked like and just to experience them in life at least once because I have missed gaming kind of life for over 10 years. I hope someone accompany me with their handheld to play Netplay and RetroArch with me, I then hope Alan Wong contact me again for his Steam powered so he can play handheld with me outside 1 day, it's just too boring my life I just want to have a life then I lose people because of schizophrenia, then doctor didn't help me get them back, I thought he gave me the account so I changed password and email then it became like this instead, it's really sad my life really gaining nothing like losing someone to play games together with me instead, I have no one already in my life.

I remember about doctor saying maybe I will buy a Pokemon Mew nametag for $10 to display at my bag, then I really don't know if it will happen, it's really just why I'm like a kid when I'm turning 38 years old already, I don't believe people are so heartless to let me live on like this and they don't get me the girl that I love or want, I really feel like just getting a random girl and make babies. I just want my Old Town White Coffee with a good book every morning to read everyday instead of every weekend, I want such life like a soldier retiring and an educated man resting already as have earned a lot in life to retire. Retiring age is 60+ then I'm still struggling to earn a lot when people like me have been working ever since N.S days and earning a lot, I suffer instead and became a poor man, it's sad how people just don't support or guide me in life, the only guide I receive is to stop smoking, but then if it's like that when will I receive a guide to start studying early for my O levels? I really need someone to help me feel the energy together but there's no one, people really don't mind if I fail because I'm schizophrenic, I think I will get a normal pass instead of high scores, it's really sad nobody siding me to have a nicer life for me to feel. I experience as a poor man heartlessly even at this age, people are just being normal to me like not asking me if I hear voices, they let me live life hearing voices and struggle to work and earn money, then I anticipate them asking me to work and solat, it's really sad I'm so useless.

I wrote in HOPES again hoping that doctors or counsellors in I.M.H would give me a free help or counselling about my anhedonia and study-plans, I really have no one, it will definitely lead to become suicidal if I don't recover at 38 or 29th June, my only life vision is planning a suicide that date onwards, I already felt like life as not a reality that I'm 38 years old then "nobody cares", people really treated me like they don't care instead that I'm old and let me not having the girl that I love. They are heartless.

I'm so dead meat it's so hard to explain what they're doing to me, it's just a lot of anger sometimes then I can't do anything because the sadness are not like real feelings, then I end up writing anyway, fluoxetine really decreases sadness anyway. Anhedonia suffering not pitied by anyone to give me more pleasures in life, they just let me live on with nothing or the same experience that I become like someone independent instead. I hope people do initiative like getting me money from support groups like MSF etc. but nobody write to them for me to receive a free counsellor even, I'm dead meat my life people feeling my life as fine and okay when I'm suffering most of the time.

Day 306 out of ward(354 on medications)

Having my usual day taking medications, then I go down to buy redbull and 1 roll of 2 paper length cigarette. It was a fast day I felt better after some puff, I really sad how I'm a smoker sometimes it's really a tough life experience being like this, I don't want to be a stupid person at the same time, I hope counsellor just help me anyway even if I still smoke(if I don't successfully quit) because I want a good date to start studying early for my O levels next year.

The Pokemon biz don't look like too many kids, it's his own children making the place like have a lot of kids, means he have a lot of children lol. I wonder when people will hang around to play retro games, it's really bad my life experience waiting for something then anhedonia really killed my happiness, I'm so dead from the bad feelings and I really just need to enjoy myself somehow.

I saw on Thread that Dina is searching for a job, it would be nice if Alysha paid her back the money for the bullying she done to Dina when Dina was a toddler, I really hate how someone live their life normally when the person they owe living a difficult life of searching for money.

I just have 11 more days to be on medications for 1 year and 3 more days to be my birthday, tomorrow is Shahridah's birthday, she's finally 33 years old. I think birthday wish to just write tomorrow.

I kept thinking why my writings always the same like Zoe Lim always telling that she hate her parents and she's obsessed(in love) with a person, it feels like schizophrenia is like a bipolar disorder always repeating the same story for so many months or days, it's really crazy that people let us live like this.

I remembered last year I bought for my mother cashbox then I relapsed and throw it away saying that she's evil so cannot buy for me stuff. Alysha is the one that created my thinking like that and I threw the cashbox away then gave her back her money. I thought she's Japanese pretending as Malay or a Jew pretending as Muslim, as I'm reminded of world war days in Singapore I thought it's still World War. I thought people cycle in car as engine and people all knew the MRT is all cycled by people instead of an engine like have a compartment to take the cycling part out when I don't look. I feel special how I don't need to cycle when riding the MRT. Schizophrenia really makes reality a different view and story and will seem like a liar or just someone crazy, I wonder why so many years yet my parents dont fear if I go to work and mess my myself at work, they are anticipated to demand me to work and solat which makes me bingit/angry in my mind/heart then causes imbalance and writing something on repeat many times.

Anyway the Pokemon biz at shop of my place opens at 12p.m everyday except weekends at 10.30a.m, it's really a happy feeling that something new at shop and people visiting for a different reason then seeing the shop having more business, it looks cool like I feel success in many of my living areas and happy for it if they are successful.

I wonder when elevator will open as I peek and it looks completed. I just want a different feelings of life then I want it to happen sooner.

That's all my writing for today like a special moment because tomorrow is Shahridah's birthday, I hope she still remembers me.

Slept awhile

Just wondering why I feel like writing a lot more lately, it's like messes my blog but I think I got no real attention anyway, so it's okay to spam my blog posts.

Tonight I feel like playing games on my handheld console, and yesterday I tried some more on searching for gamers to play together, there's still no response on my Facebook or Thread, it's really a boring life journey.

Everytime I wrote the same matter and I think people are not really reading is why I still have viewers. It's midnight now so I don't know how many people I will get to view my blog. I think all the readers comes from Facebook.

I haven't tested to download a lot of games for my handheld console in order to buy the 2TB I need to be able to download first.

I read that I need to use download manager in order to download the big files, I hope I can try tomorrow.

There's no dreams that happen just now or I forgot about it, I still check on Wahdiah then saw her achievement talking on Vimeo, wonder why I'm a useless guy then she have achieved so high in life, maybe I'm not meant for her after all.

It's night of 15th June

It's a rainy day nowadays, then it's month if June not even December, I feel happy how can feel like cosy feelings a little bit due to the sofa have selimut as cover to sit on, I really hope my recovery happens faster.

I downloaded the HOPES application of I.M.H into my phone, and wrote a journal telling of anhedonia, I hope doctors read and just give me the medicine on 31st August, it's really a tough feeling anhedonia for almost 1 year already, doctor should just give me a medicine for it.

Lately I write a lot and smoke so little, I wonder why my feelings are like this, I really feel weird how smoking little can make me write a lot. I ever thought of studying early for O level then it didn't happen in June sadly, I really clueless of my path in life, maybe I should just get a pass for O level and do a Diploma in Mental Health? I really want something like that, maybe I will skip A level and do just this? If I score high I will then do A level, now the chances of becoming smarter in mental health are a lot more.

I no longer feel like I will pass with flying colours, maybe because I just feel I'm back into a stupid person again, I have no energy to study like the past, it's really weird my energy was wanting to buy desk even and chair to study, then it didnt happen again, luckily I saved my money though.

It's just going to be a short writing as I'm also unhappy how at night time sometimes like a relapse if I write will become odd pleasures the next day, or temporary pleasure only, it's really hard my life but I have to endure this.

When I will have a life?

Studying should be life for me, but I wonder when it will be? It's so much suffering from unknown reason but to believe it's cigarette, my brother survived for so many years on cigarette, it's definitely just anhedonia, schizophrenia or catatonia.

I thought I would quit smoking by the time Pokemon shop opens, but then I still can't and miss the early morning cigarettes moment, I really tried my best and it's always the same craving to continue, I don't know but it seems like smokers don't help me at all and maybe wanting me to quit cigarette again/too, the cause of no help simply like that as reason.

I'm thinking how to get a job, I can only think like instant jobs then I deleted all jobs applications due to anger of not getting a good job, I really can't do anything about it, I remembered about me working ntuc fairprice restocker then I quit in just 2 hours, it's really bad my life experience, I can't even do a proper job, even with high scores in N level I did not score well in the end because of Alysha, then I gave up just like that. I just have to endure until 29th June hoping the medication cured me by then, it's really a long life journey to think about, it's really scary seeing how long my neighbours been taking medicine(more than 10 years) and still haven't recover, reminds me of myself I kept skipping medicine it makes like I save more money because of skipping medicine, just that I won't be cured.

43 years old will be the real expected recovery date I think, or else I maybe will be like my neighbours it looks like entire lifetime on medication, I wonder why it's not 5 years for them, I really need to see a cured schizophrenic to feel happy that I will recover too.

Hearing voices became a normal thing for me, I kept hearing at fan, wind blows, shouts of kids becoming the sentences that I hear instead like my name being shouted, I will assume it's hearing voices and don't turn/check most of the time when I heard my name. It's really weird the schizophrenia, they don't supply me friends to talk too, and let me either be working or staying at home on medications. If June I won't work, what am I going to do? If July I still don't work? Where will I get the $5K savings energy then? I remember that's what doctor said, 1 reason I believed doctor is because he said the Supreme Leader of Iran will die on U.S/Israel's 2nd attack then he really died.

At that time I thought it's going to be world war, like Russia will be attacked by U.S due to too much commenting on Donald Trump, then it didn't happen, the peace deal looks going to happen, if it's not going to war I have no reason to connect with Sakinah and our life remains the same, world war supposed to be chaotic, then she's going to be busy working(but luckily time spent on jobs) instead, I really can't have a reason to talk to Sakinah.

I was thinking why I love her and it felt like the reality is different, I wonder why my vision is like this "and it is reality" of me living my life, it's shocking/surprising how I'm turning 38 years old without $10K because due to mouth of Alysha I thought I would be rich and be surviving my entire life with government's money after getting huge sum, Alysha is such a bitch in my eyes, she's a criminal that haven't repent and law judge me as a smoker to not help me get money from her maybe, it's impossible my kind of writing doesn't attract attention of any law people, this is bad for me. No one going to help me get Dina to live a happier richer life, they all living their life like that forgetting Alysha's doing, I wonder when my parents will sue her, it's just taking so long time. Why she haven't break up with her boyfriend too? It's really bad my life experience and I have to go through getting nothing and experience poor life after so much pain? Its double pain for a long duration.

I think nobody takes me seriously and feel like helping me anyway, everyone living their own life and probably redirected into blaming me instead, schizophrenia is the reason for my bad feelings and experience but nobody help to increase pleasure in my life except my brother's $1000. It's really crazy my life.

Tried gaming

Tried PSP game Assassin's Creed then it's really boring feeling, I don't feel the fun at all playing the game, anhedonia really killed my happiness, I really can't do anything about it, I wonder why it's like that the feelings just gone, 31st August going to request doctor for oral type of medications then anhedonia will be gone forever I think, wonder why it's taking so long for something like this, I really don't want to suffer from paliperidone injection but I'm just unlucky it still happens, for 1 year I experience anhedonia(a loss of pleasure), then nobody cares I feel something so little in life, it's really bad life experience or journey.

I'm confused about what to do in life, I thought of downloading PS2 games to play on my RG477V but it's like a boring feeling anyway, I really don't know what I can do about having this feeling.

I give up on Club Heal, assuming they won't help anyway, they didn't even try to tell me to quit smoking then they will help, maybe it would be a repeat, then how am I going to study for my O level, I have no guide, they really letting me grow to August without studying anything at all?

Just now I hear my mother talk saying to go Mr. Uncle for my birthday, finally it's something new again, I really hope my sisters present me like money or something, I just want to feel having more or having enough in life, it's just too bad the feelings, I just want 29th June despite my birthday being 19th June as it's the usual warded day that won't happen anymore. I feel like a hard feelings in my head, I'm also upset how I hear like Club Heal is the best counsellor, then it means I can't try for other counsellors to help me, then I can't receive their service because I smoke, I wonder why they don't try to calculate that I quit smoking slowly and help me first anyway, it's really bad this waiting for pleasure or health, I really feel nothing in my life due to anhedonia, everything bores me quickly then I will feel sad feelings being blocked probably by fluoxetine, then it became angry feelings instead, I think I need an angry medicine then I will feel fine.

I thought R would meet me when Pokemon shop opens then it's just the same like any normal day, it's not like I can really do anything anyway, I would probably waste her time and money if she spend time with me, anhedonia really got my life, I need to sue Alysha 1 day but no law ask me about her, it's like they rather let me be feeling like this than earning/getting money for cigarette. It's really harsh my life experience. Everyday is the same "it's really bad, harsh, sad" I can't do anything about feeling like this repetitively, I feel like I've been blocked from feeling happy too.

Just now at Pokemon shop there's no customers then it's a boring day just like that, I wonder why nobody gathers it's just a weird day, I think when they have competition then the start of people gathering there, I heard they will make a competition there.

I wonder what to do in life, anhedonia is real pain in life then people really let me suffer for 1 year, it's really sad I can't do anything and feeling helpless.