There's still no soldier jobs

It's weird it's maybe 2026 December? Why is it taking so long? I know from doctor I will become a soldier then there's no soldier job today is the end of December.

Just now I bought Big Chicken Pau and used my NETS for $1.40 tincan drink because only left $8+ in my bank then I can't take it out so using it as tap card to buy. I wonder what's going to happen because I thought I would get Soldier Job December then it's the end of pain in waiting, then maybe it's a different year because I know it's December doctor said it like that.

The boredom happening and I can't sleep in the day, it's morning wake-up and until night time everyday, the recovery process is really hard, psychics are not surprised I really take my medications maybe they really knew it already, but worry until next year 6 months to go before changing into pills, what's going to happen to me? What makes the injection as still good for me? It's every month going to doctor because of injection, it's really hard I hope I work then just pay extra $20 for them to come and inject me in future, I really want to feel more relaxed. It's $4(transport) vs $20(if they come for injection), then it's a lazy feeling, it would be worry of pain anyway but I love injection type of medicine instead anyway. I hope life don't become harder, it's like a stone feeling my body keeps feeling it, maybe it's a failed-jerk in my body.

I will later try to close my eyes but I don't think I would fall asleep, my mother really cooks late then really feel hungry I have to spend what I plan to save, it's really bad like I'm becoming fat. I truly look fat in my opinion. I will try to exercise my legs too later.

My days of life so many years thinking of (S), forgetting ever talked to her is bad at that time, then remembering now maybe because of medicine, I hope she just comes into my life 1 day, I really don't know who to ask help from, it's so difficult but she continues living her life working at O.C.B.C. I wonder why or how she can forget me after all that experience. Why she didn't treat me special already?

Remembering about gifts are the only pleasures on life left, I really am in a difficult situation now I don't know why it have to be this way, I ate small epok2 7 of it just now morning but still hungry, I really don't know if (S) really eats the same as me, I really hope she start thinking how to get in touch with me as I'm feeling like hell having nobody in my life.

I write a lot nowadays I'm thinking what should I do from day to night now, why I have nothing to spend my time on, like why anhedonia created me not just gaming everyday and I loss of so much pleasure in my life. I'm supposed to be gaming during my free time but I'm not nowadays, it's been so long too, why is it like this? Will I be happy even if I get Anbernic RG477V? I really don't know.

Anhedonia is like a secret suffering that maybe create catatonia(sticky feeling in my heart)? It's like insanity the boredom, then to close my eyes at sofa really expecting the end of pain, it's so painful due to nothing to do in life, if work it becomes worrying instead, really they make me hear(voice memory) about Solat over and over again it's so boring and painful my life. (S) dont feel closer too, she's like gone maybe as secret fact, even if my aunt contact her I'm not updated about her at all, I'm made to forget have ever talked to her anyway, means I forgot that she work O.C.B.C at that time, really forgot and felt sad not knowing where she work at.

I wonder what I should do everyday, I browse Facebook and TikTok then feel so bored and painful, I maybe need to play games so life becomes better, but mobile games only PUBG, M.L to think about. Life really sucks for me while everyone else living their life happily and healthy happiness. Schizophrenia is so long to recover, if physical pain exist why it's called as mental illness I really dont know why.

The stress feelings

Imagining a nice future when I reach 1 year on medications really calms me down, it's a surprising happiness that I imagine myself as someone special to those that treat me like a Son, maybe I truly impacted something that I don't remember due to schizophrenia will lose memories, I wonder how much have I forgotten about those that care for me, will doctor help me remember about them or not I wonder because it's past 6 months and still no contact or normal talk from doctors.

I see that today is 31 Dec, tomorrow is 2026 and a fresh new year that I have been successful for 6 months about medications and happy about it, I really hope it's true that I will become psychic after 1 month of risperidone next year, when it's supposedly to be 1 year of risperidone, I really hope it's true that I will become doctor after 1 year of risperidone too like doctor ever said this, that it's impossible to happen unless I'm a doctor something like that. Why do I imagine like this because being a psychic means knowing everything then really become a doctor, why doctors make me feel like this or is it a dream too as it's far too nice that suddenly I will be high salary and be a doctor. Psychic = 100% doctor should be what it meant.

I feel heavy right now and finally past 12p.m the boredom are really starting in my life, I really need a nice plan in life, I really don't know and have nothing to do in life, jobs is the only path that everyone won't be sick of me maybe because I'm not working. People maybe sick of me that I'm not working and a smoker, it's sad it have to be this way, really my body strength like limited to be only becoming like this in my life.

The forum didn't work to get people in, I wonder when such communication will happen then, why they're not in the mood for a communication point? I think it require discussions first anyway, I think my plan is really fun though, everyone is old then I feel like I have no friends or family members as everyone is already a worker in life, I'm the most unstable in my family I guess because of schizophrenia. I think I'm a burden to people.

Even 6 months, no friends contacted me yet, making me think the only readers are harvester of my writings to save for my family to read 1 day, I don't know what people are doing but a blog is meant to be like this, to let out feelings so we're not in secret pain.

I still can't think what I will be doing with bicycle 1 day, it looks like not because of working jobclub, then doctor really didn't tell me what I would be doing with bicycle every night, I really can't think of something except after getting Anbernic RG477V, maybe I keep going to Fushan Garden to see if anyone play the same thing to play together, haha. Maybe I would just be sitting in public to play it? Really they don't talk like I will have life and really just like this my life repetitively.

Doctors probably as psychic knew what I would write then they didn't tell me why I feel bad in life other than the common sense about money, am I supposed to be peaceful once taken medications?

It's really a lot of writings over 300 posts I wonder how (S) saves my writing, is she really doing something like this? In M.R.T the story is really told as this about (S).

Daily thinking

The stress only increased Abit just now as the cig. prices increased to $14.50, after some time I rest and think about my life, I remember there's cheaper cig. then it cause me to calm down from the panicky feelings.

I imagine (S) hard at work daily and being a good person definitely hard if she would support me anything, her achievement in her life been from her own effort, she's so lucky to have health in life. I just imagine my life if with her, her money would always become in our mind instead, I feel it as okay then as not with her, money is troublemaker or a conflict-maker it's definitely hard then if just prioritizing of she becoming with me because I love her, still her money becomes in our mind because she knows my difficulty, it wouldn't be peaceful and I would feel bad many times, but why can't we try not thinking about money and just be together anyway? She maybe thinking of her money becomes in my mind, I'm definitely a bad lover if spend her money.

Jobclub is really in 5 days, the ending of something in my life like "nothing to do daily" becoming different, like schedules of "work", then having to bear 1 month of free training is said as like that, that we won't get allowance or salary, it's harsh but have to believe it's good because doctors are psychics. I wonder what I would be cleaning then, why a cleaning require training too? Said as "it's for the stamina", I really believe my O.T said as the best O.T in I.M.H by doctor last year I think. I plan to wear my cheapest half-sleeve t-shirt for the cleaning-job. I really don't know what to do anymore as maybe the readers are not my family members like I assumed, making me think they don't know anything, it's hard like that if they don't know.

I remember about my past that's also like a dream, since I have many "bapak angkat", 1 of them plan to buy me House in Forest City and a Car when I have license, I'm really happy about it, I really feel like understanding it's special to know me since baby and they're the nice bunch of people while I maybe will have people that are bad but regard me as their friend, I've been alone for too long in my life. I really don't know if it's true but it's fun when I hear like that, I imagine knowing a person since baby that's not my family, then I feel I will treat them special too when I see them again. Just my memory can't remember which is the real person but I can guess around anyway.

It's like in my memory I ever cared for 3 babies and 2 at one time, then 1 at another time, then they became close to me and calling me as "Uncle Anas", I really feel they are cute and special like how people treat me like a son, I understand the same like having 3 other nieces in my life that I don't keep in touch but doctors will remind me of them 1 day I think. They're really nice to me and I love them too. It's weird during my schizophrenic moment I really thought 1 of them is my niece, then it's okay anyway as they're nice and lovely.

I definitely am being controlled like a schedule by doctor because I don't know where they are except 1(maybe have grown up so big and forgotten me), doctor will definitely make me smooth with them again 1 day as want my memory to recover they will tell me what happened I think.

It's been more than 1 month since injection then my left arm still in abit of pain but I believe doctor it's "temporary pain", I really hoping and want to do arm exercise but I can't and can only do legs exercise so that the pain doesn't become worse.

I feel that psychics doctors and Wali Allah knew that I won't zikir so much suddenly just because of their knowing ability, then somehow I'm forgiven if I don't do it, it's like a mess I zikir sometimes then suddenly stop because it got boring, this is why I blog a lot.

On my 6th month next year I definitely will have a lot of money then I will try meeting (S) or go City Hall hopefully O.C.B.C is around there because nobody tells me where is it, I can only imagine Raffles Place will look like it, it's harsh I really don't know where she is, but the point of walking around is to know life that I've missed for so long.

I also hope that Anbernic RG477V becomes like a trend to get to play with people together outside randomly on multiplayer-games, like "Monster Hunter", but it seems like it won't happen, I really hope people around the world makes this popularity like Digimon to live up games in life, even like having friends to play Contra together, an old game, it would really be fun if my brother starts back his old life ways like playing games again, I definitely have no one anymore about gaming, 6 months to go is still long way to go too.

Like (S), (W) and (A)'s family members I can connect just by gaming together from this device, then I feel life can still become normal again if can connect with them are they're definitely special memories in my heart and my life. The success of small girl is shocking that life really made me believe something bad about them causing the break-up, it's really sad they didn't try to make me remember things but doctor maybe help to keep them hanging on with me that's a different version of "waiting". It's been so long I really feel it like impossible too, sad I can't know or verify their feelings towards me at all just imagining they're still in love and together with me from distance due to my sickness, it's like a split-up and me becoming to be recovery-state have to be far away from them, like a surgery or operation of my life.

I really feel like doctors answers are far from me and hard to get, I really want to know about (S) but doctors limited information to become like this until I forgotten I have ever talked to (S) and they still let it be and not remind me what happened. Maybe they're at different feelings about helping me, it's harsh I have to keep thinking of (S) everyday and dreaming of being with her.

Morning surprise

I woke up close to 8a.m immediately taking my pills and bath, then go out to shop as I want to buy cig. the price of cig. have increased to $14.50 then I imagine $145 for 1 month if it will last for 3 days, I really hope I can do it. Just now a stick really calms me down from the vibration inside my body and I only smoke 1 stick to be saver of cig., it's usually 2 sticks after buying 1 box of cig. It's really harsh my life have to be like this, then 12 February is the talk about budget then don't know which day is the G.S.T or Assurance Package. I really need support in life then it only have to become harder like making myself last 1 box for more than 3 days then maybe I can be luckier in life about money.

Today is Day 139 of medications outside ward then +48 = total of 187 days on medications. Just 5 more days then I'm going to be my first day at jobclub then doctor not really telling me what's going to happen, am I going to finish jobclub probation period or actually Popeyes will call me up early, I really don't know, the difficulty just meant to happen to me.

I'm using Simba data 171mb/400gb still have no friends to keep in touch with to go out and take photos. As January is becoming closer I became happier if my life really going to take Car License or not, I really hope my suffering of pain really ends and I can become normal living like others.

Just now in elevator I said (S)'s name accidentally like the past, it still happens when I'm alone, then it just means I love her still. When I was with (W) and (A) was the only time I kept saying their name when we were together, it's really hard to forget (S) I really don't know why God makes it like that my feelings.

Just now I imagine 1 day as 1 stick so it can become 20 days 1 stick really funny that it's so difficult to do, life thinking of money is hard then it have to be like this.

The calmness created from cig. is because it off the vibration of heat inside my body and calms me down.

I really don't know what to do in life it have to become thinking of cig. a lot. I worry of the vibrations in my body especially my head, it's like micro earthquake and maybe due to the spike. Cig. allows me to verify if I have the spike still by the feelings of nicer vibration when I smoke from inside my body, there's a pleasure then cig. hopefully not mistaken as drugs by those that hate cig. if not Law would have banned cig. long time ago.

I really hope "Mood Support Pills" helps me somehow about cig., my anhedonia still exist despite eating this I'm really sad about it.

Tomorrow will be my first day reading Iqra for I don't know how long per day, to try memorize it hopefully in 6 months, but I feel like I can do it in 1 month, it's weird I hope I'm successful about it. If I remember correctly Wali Allah said I will know how to read Arabic by 38-39 years old, maybe it's really the cause of happiness I will feel at that age.

It's hard I have imagined actually no one telling my family of my difficulty and I have to tell myself when I'm going to be out of cash, but I don't know when is it. It's because my blog viewers decreased and became back to normal like 7 and 9 viewers, I remember it ever become 30 per post then I thought someone really talking to my family, then again I thought my family pretending not knowing for some reason.

I feel like I will smoke back the Marlboro Crafted(Purple) because it was $13 then I don't know it have increased into how much but I know it's the cheapest cig. still, I really have to survive life without support it is weird I have to be craving for cig. then nobody supports me to help me quit but rather let me suffer for having no cig. and gain +1 type of pain in my body after I have multiple pain from schizophrenia, anhedonia and catatonia.

Want normal life..

Life is too boring, everyday is nothing, I want to be a successful working man but there's no nice jobs for me. I gave up and decide to wait for jobclub hopefully it feels fine and easy, I really don't want to suffer backpain, and it's really early in the morning at 8.30a.m. Situation during it is said like I may be called up by Popeyes during the jobclub so maybe it's not even 1 month of doing cleaning-training. I don't know if it's really going to happen because February is bulan puasa, will I be working 3hrs per day for 2 times a week during puasa or Popeyes? Maybe it's lighter and get to do jobclub's work instead as to help me in bulan puasa? If I remember correctly, doctor said I will puasa full 1 month this coming Ramadan and I hope it's true too and I have the energy for it, I definitely won't go visit hari raya because my life became like this again, I really don't know how to feel normal around my relative. I'm happy if I became a normal person that puasa again and feeling the Ramadan, if not I would maybe be staying at home alone as not going for Hari Raya.

It's weird my mind like this, like not guilty to my family members and relatives like don't need to ask for forgiveness at all.

It's definitely exciting if I get to do it properly this time, I have not been doing proper Ramadan for so long due to schizophrenia, it's been since N.S days, so long I don't feel life of a true Muslim.

I don't know why in my memories like Bik Minah and Bik Isah like giving me money for 6 months celebration of taking medications, then it's been 6 months and still the same, I guess it's a dream that is stuck in my memory/mind mistaken as not, it's weird if they give me money at 1 year it's like a bad waiting too, then why doctors have memory that they will be giving me $50 each person becoming $500 and Anbernic RG477V during my cleaning-training? If true then which day is it? Why do I have this as my memory? On 29th December doctor didn't tell me if will support me he just maintaining as a doctor's way of talking to a patient(me).

I really became calculating myself to have a lot of money until imagining I can save $1000 emergency money next year, or even my life can be normal like saving $5000 for next year, my memories gave me imagination of money that's bad if I am actually living poor as fact, why is it like this?

It's bad of working at Popeyes late that $6/hr allowance in February happens due to bulan puasa, then I really want to be normal life at least first working at Popeyes by January but then the job procedure is like that, how come they don't need people when I feel I can skip jobclub and get a proper job right away? It will suck if work $18/day for free for 1 month at 2 times a week. Why it's called a free-training instead?

It's boring my life I don't have a computer except my brother then it's a normal laptop using a big screen, the life to not be feeling so advanced is on purpose by my family, it's a hard life for no reason, there's definitely no cure for schizophrenia that they plan to save money for it, it's still taking medications normally anyway?

Why the doctors don't pity me how I have no money most of the time or how I crave for cigs., they really decided not to support me because nothing was told on 29th December?

My head really feels shaky, I've finish my last cig. just now, then "to decide not to smoke already for now" because of saving money then my health from cig. it definitely exist if not I don't feel stable from it? I think everyone decided to let it settle this way in difficulty of life. Then I keep hearing what I write first sometimes will become angry of the small girl again for talking too much 1 time that she maybe have forgotten about it. My life's luck is really suay. I didn't even get presents for my N level success, it's so bad luck in life to not be getting anything after reaching into a high standard person by scores. Then I'm 37 now, 6 mths to become 38, why will I only be happy at 38 years old why can't it be now?

Why doctor as psychic let me experience this pain in life?

Boring

My mother talks or marrying sepupu I don't know what it means, definitely I won't do such thing as I think it's merepek, I thought sepupu means cousin, really make me bad mood because the girl I want is (S), it's meaningless my tries she just sit at home and eating kerepek banana now really lazy and I feel angry about it. My mother really not helping maybe should just give up and m*sturbate at (S)'s mother imagination when I see her during hari raya at bedok reservoir. Stupid life.

My family not truly helping I guess they just being this way on purpose, I really don't care now like (S) really did not effort to make me healthy anyway, like why should she effort when she actually tunang many years ago, I think if finish the potential ties is still a better feeling like knowing why I myself won't marry her because wanting family perfection.

I think it's stupid her talks to talk of marry sepupu, she really doesn't want to help me at all letting me go through this life like this.

Everyday it's hungry feeling it's unstoppable kind of life experience it's got to be like this repetitively like training to puasa, as half day puasa is 12pm then they doing it on purpose nowadays, I thought my mother going to cook jemput2 Pisang but in the end did not anyway.

Dunno why she idea on stupid topic like this, we all know common sense that family can't get married but she talks nonsense like that, it means our family will be going to hell in my imagination, it's like on purpose to anger my heart. Like I have no brains.

Time is really slow

I feel like a useless person like worry of 5th January hopefully no stomach ache or anxious feelings, 3 hours is quite long maybe I hope I will do well in it, then to imagine requiring to do at least 8 times of it, then 2 times a week, 4 weeks a month, wow it's total of 24hrs. I really don't know if I can make it. Talks about Budget in 2026 is 12 February or it's the Budget Giving Day, will we receive money in February?

I can finally feel the weight if as a smoker, other people are quite lucky, then vape can't exist anymore because of drug mixing in the oil, I thought vape will become legal because of saving money from cigs., life really became harsher and harsher, I will try calculate myself as not smoking tomorrow onwards only have 1 stick left for desperate moments, it's really the end to understand "special smoker" as someone that quit smoking immediately, then I'm at home always having nothing to do, while the people who read me maybe are people that Solat, then if doctors are peaceful and never Solat I really want to learn how it's done, I really want to become a strong person like doctors.

I just want to achieve the peace without having to Solat first because I feel something uneasy I don't know what, it's maybe the jerking of body that somehow when it don't jerk, it's something kind of feelings inside my body, what if it's the cause of anhedonia? I really don't know why it's like that, why my body have to feel or be different to be receiving talks of "To Solat" etc. I really hard to do the common sense of life.

It's like imagining smartness, M.M Lee Kuan Yew never solat but still the highest rank, like now P.M Lawrence Wong too, peace still can be achieved their way somehow, to become a Genius and Top Ranks in Singapore are really not Solat, I really want to become like them, Smart and Everything, while Solat believed as Peacemaking theres other ways for Peace too, maybe my schizophrenia type is hard to Solat. It really feel uneasy, then I'm left alone like people are forcing me to do it by Silence or Not Helping/Supporting Me.

Happy life feelings

I feel like a Man having schedules, I wonder if (S) pity me like I have to experience painful injection every month, that's known as "temporary pain" and decide to be in relationship with me. In the past I really don't want a relationship out of pity, but when I desire (S), it's like any tactic or strategy to be in relationship with her. Her face is definitely clear as someone difficult to get and I've been in love with someone so beautiful, she being not married isn't it odd enough that someone beautiful as her don't have children yet at this age, doesn't it make it clearer that she's my soulmate? Why she didn't think like this? Why God created me to think of her so much since baby days or kindergarten days? The love is true since kids days it's definitely forever or everlasting.

Just now i ate prata cheese egg, imagining myself no longer smoking for the rest of the month, due to saving money, I hope the difficulty is not too bad, the craving for cig. being not supported or understood is hard, my family really need to read about cig. and then support me when I'm in need of it, it's better than pain of craving it.

I finally wear the black jacket again that I bought cheaply as it's nice, I really like black stuff, it's really nice:

Just now when waiting for my prata.

It's only been 1 hour since my last post, the confusion exist like if anyone truly reads my blog is from the matter I write about then the quantity of views, the importance like matches. Then previous one I have 17 viewers, I hope it's true. Just now when I on the lift I planning whoever regarding me as this brother, son, true friend(this level of friendship), relative, to join our family forum too 1 day when it's done, maybe it's like a rush because I remember nenek gemok as old and then doctor say once the forum start, nenek gemok will actually use it for 5 years long before her death, so I think it's important to let them communicate a nice way instead of phone sometimes it's hard to hear, then if writings it's easier to read and understand the message. I'm definitely promoting communication with family members about anything and chemistry to exist and increased this way, a family bond, it includes for everyone like "family of wife of family member etc.", it's definitely nice to have a page that's our family and true friends-reflexes on us, that we know each other.

I feel have the most bapak angkat etc. because I hear they knew me since baby as the actual fact, then I think this chemistry method is important that we are all smart as fact. I don't know if it's from schizophrenia or people pity me that I kept losing memories since baby days then I may not know my own mother and father since baby. It's like it ever happen, I've been schizophrenic since baby.

The energy about I.M.H appointment is my recovery that will happen and I remember "1 year of risperidone will become psychic", means I will become psychic in about 1 year+ if doctor changing my medicine into risperidone, or even in 1 mth after taking risperidone, it's 1 year or 1 mth said by doctor, means I really will become a psychologist too like doctors? I really want to become an understanding and kind souls like doctors, I really admire how they can understand multiple languages and I want to do it too.

I remembered about story of doctor that I will be right hand man of Imam Mahdi at 44 years old, then I feel of learning Arabic language 6 mths from now, I really energetic to become somebody special in the eyes of Muslims, especially my plan of hybrid fruit farms for Imam Mahdi and Muslims to feel lebih untung di dunia to match story of Al-Quran that Muslim lebih untung. Hybrid fruit is the most special to happen as it's 16-20 years then the hybrid will occur, that it will become a hybrid tree, then we have created it from this energy for so long as a family to share with True Muslims and Imam Mahdi's choices. I plan we become a businessman that interferes to help Muslims around the world as Tentera Imam Mahdi only have 313 people, then we don't desire to be Terrorists(they have weapons etc. while story of Imam Mahdi is "doa is a weapon" instead).

Family bond is important that the forum with password will one day be created with help of doctor since nobody layan this one, to know family member's chemistry with others like I have Naim who treat me like a brother that plans to buy me ROG Ally X, that's what he claim even after so many years missing from my life, it's been due to schizophrenia. It's to see who cares for our family member, maybe it's because I have schizophrenia I have so many "family angkat" that they pity me as I remembered that I experienced a lot of memory loss and maybe I haven't remembered anything much.

I really hope (S) really joins as "True Friend" including (W) and (A) because perpisahan kite was by small girl that created or psycho my thinking of the current life situation, that it lasts for so long, like I didn't score for N level because of schizophrenia too. Maybe 1 day when the real one happens, nobody continued to energize me about this forum maybe advice from doctor is like that, maybe it's not the time yet and doctor will decide for our family. I just want to create the chemistry happens somehow.

It's like News to share with family that "Forest City" house is a nice place to buy even if it's empty, it's empty still makes it more peaceful and because it looks very technological or new city kind of life in Johor it's worth to buy, it's something like this to share at family forum, our views. Then even "Legoland became fun(if it became fun) to try going 1 day", kind of news for family members to not be late in enjoyment in life. I really want to create the bond to happen and maybe I'm the most pemalu in the family, it's still nice I have this plan for family members to create the chemistry tighter for each other.

It's weird the words reasons like people read

Like people read then the outcome is different, maybe people are lazy or not savvy or not read ready? I didn't tell my family but just expecting from readers first, it's not to know if my family reads my blog.

Anyway me with the new t-shirt I bought:

Don't know if it will be placed to Anaqi after wash but it's really M size, my size.

I'm at Day 138 out of ward on medications and +48 = 186 days on medications, I really been over 6 mths on medications and happy about it. Yesterday doctor said that if 1 year then change into oral medicine, because last year I did not take medicine after changing it, then I guess I'm okay about it. Doctor really not being psychic to me and just being a doctor, boring like no information flow into my life.

Yesterday night I was really being fast about making a forum for family members to keep in touch, because ajaran Islam is about keeping in touch then I'm just trying my best to make everyone able to communicate with each other because if they Whatsapp group it would be too noisy and alot of sounds. I don't know why it's okay to live far from each other as family members: Jawa, Johor and Selangor. It's weird I think.

I think doctors really not helping me because "have nothing to worry" to believe, I remember Nenek Gemok saying if making a password forum doctor said it will cost $1 only to make for me. Having a password is really nice I really want to know about my ideas about Hybrid Fruit Plants if it will happen, every 20 years the Hybrid Fruit will be successful, I really think should make a lot of Durian + Mango Hybrids, it will definitely be nice sweet Durians.

With half month after Simba expiry I'm only 165mb/400gb usage, I really feel bad it's only low usage, I really want to live like living my life, I really hate how I forgot the shortage of money is because of death of family members and not to be too happy about it, it was known in the past and because maybe I would be writing happy stuff on my blog if a relative had died then I didn't think of relative is like a bad person. It's just my luck in life as Allah takes away lives even if I'm schizophrenic and difficult in life.

Every morning I have nothing to do while my family members would pray I usually don't pray, I'm the only one left in my family who doesn't pray on time, schizophrenia really makes its difficult but I remember my neighbour claim can actually pray to my mother, so I don't know my luck really maybe after a long time on medications then it's okay anyway. The way of I.M.H really can't pray at all, maybe must being own sejadah and kain then can pray, it's weird it have to be like that maybe it means actually we don't need to pray at all? It really doesn't matter as my family don't read as we understand Islam pray = solat while sometimes I write pray to mean "doa". Means my writing is not really working to communicate with readers at all.

I really planning to try quit cig. again so I have money for prata cheese egg mainly, I just worry of the spikes that it can be felt just now when I was in toilet smoking, it's like a peaceful feeling then I love such peace to happen in my life. Schizophrenia really experience loss of peace in life.

It's really hard to believe "money is not a problem" when I'm living like this, it doesn't tally to my life at all such words. I'm just in pain from money, it's hard my life's luck going to be this way. I really feel no family members reads but maybe doctors read, the outcome yesterday made me feel this way or they're actually not savvy about computers yet, then needing a doctor to tell how to register a forum or what a forum means. It's really good way of news spread instead of Whatsapp that it can be messy to our life, forum we can read it continuously and even lock an information to be permanent like a noticeboard. It's really nice I think, I really want to see family actually communicate with each other instead of being silent like me because of schizophrenia. If family members all have RG477V example, we can still accompany each other to play games together and still have fun in life, life is too boring like me I have no friends at all, unlike everyone else have someone to chat with their entire life while me 16 years solo and alone, I really experience bad in my life.

I have 6 more days left until jobclub to hope the way doctors communicate with me become different and reminding me of how to communicate with my family to get what I want, like a trade for peace, I wonder how long is the plan of not giving me money, it's good too I think because enjoying after a death news is really like a useless man.

Issit all asleep? Nenek dah tua

Let's family keep in touch first this way, so that news of family we can read ourself like this, then we can add each other on Facebook too.

I think I make family forum first

It's weird without agreement of a name within family, we are all far from each other, I just maintain an acronym b-u meaning bottles-uncapped to be a place we reach out to each other. it's different that there's no password for it than I planned, but it's nice website name.

Whoever register anyway I will add as admin to add threads. I really feel it's short and sweet this way.

https://b-u.boards.net/

I really don't know but I feel my idea is the best definition of our hearts.

I will try my best to be fast because I assume family members are readers so they can enter and register, is it something like require agreement but it's nice if like it and spread.

"Bottle Up Feelings" means "Simpan Perasaan", Then the proverb if Uncap would mean Opening-Up our feelings. It's painful if simpan perasaan so I idea of it to be b-u defined as bottles-uncapped.

Should be nobody really knows as we're first and my Facebook have 0 friends, nobody adds me up, then means the viewers are either doctors, family, nurses, or family's top friends.

Do try use real name as username unless already have a normal choice of username, then I suggest to add real name like this: -Anas after every writing before posting, in case real name is not username.

I hope my family agree about this name, then I wonder when it will be at use. I try my best to be fast to create admin so threads can be added or I don't know if require admin status to add threads.

I test first if any readers are family, or if doctors really can join too because for treating me like own son.

I create fast because last year I forgot then nenek gemok dah tua, she will definitely want to communicate with families at Jawa, Johor, Selangor maybe, keyboard is big she can really do it I think, means she should understand easily like remembering recipe to cook, it should be the same good memory? If use phone it's too small and tiny, if use computer, nenek gemok can write a lot more like letters.

When I think..

(W) and (A) actually left me, they were with me in health but not in sickness, they didn't hang on, maybe there's other version of hanging on that I must believe, my life really just gone like that.

(S) however shows that my efforts are meaningless, she with monkeyface got together many years ago then leaving a memory like "it's going to be marriage" and she's going to be pregnant of her son the future Wali Allah. Psychics said that their son will be Wali Allah, then mine will be Psychics and Hackers, I will have more than 1 baby. I definitely want my psychics babies to select their mother, it's so hard if a baby can be created just by "having s*x", no one will try match me up with anyone then I will live a lonely life because of what they think of doctors said "baby will be sick".

I have 9 readers and 7 readers again like the days when this blog started, it decreases to imagine a few read first to call others to read too sometimes, then I really wonder who really reads. I plan to create this blog domain into bottles-uncapped.com due to "not to bottle-up feelings" and it will be unique expression and understanding, I remember doctor saying it will be 39 years old, but I remember once I start working properly I plan to register before doctor's words of it to not match and I become better and stronger of achieving something that's my ambition or goals to have in life much faster.

When I was secondary school, I've always wanted my own .com, blog is the best reason for it. It will definitely be nice.

I am also planning to create a forum that families everywhere can keep in touch that it have a password to access and register a username(write full name as signature of each post), then i know have families in Malaysia too, I really don't know except thinking of kampung, that have families at Selangor, so far away.

I wonder how to do it, will they all become savvy in computers, it will definitely be interesting that families actually communicate with each other about important things - like: new computer plans, new laptop plan to buy kind of advice, new games website like Nintendo Switch have new R4 Game Card, like release of Anbernic RG477V to announce at forum etc. but it would be something else just important news too like "there's a new place in Melaka to go holiday" something like this, to recommend each other as semua dah besar, just a communication point as we ambitious of being a good Muslim family that keeps in touch with each other.

I wonder when I will have such energy, what will the forum be called as? Should I make it just bottles-uncapped.com/forum even, can such thing even happen? It's definitely nice. Or just b-u-forum.com as it's where we share something even if can write on blog, if an offer is a lot like 10 or 20 discounts to share it's nicer to be on forum that our families can get first.

Totally forgot..

It's bad I forgot the death of someone that caused them not wanting to give me money I think as the reason, it's last year kind of expression, the death been known by doctor first about this year.

It's weird the anger supposedly to happen when my mother want me to change medicine, I really want this one because it's easy as injection, then just now I forgot as injection is painful to me.

I just ate ayam masak merah with nasi, it's nice I've been so hungry, it's weird, lucky to taste this food, I'm thinking what (S) would be eating, definitely different, because it's from my mother's Selangor jemputan. Maybe it's just my imagination that we ate the same food supported by doctor, I don't know why I feel like that, like it ever happened. I also don't know why it feels like doctor ever said of giving me an RG477V when actually I would plan to buy next year June as fact, why did my memory have such thing? Like a dream or doctor just treating me like a kid at that time and just lying to me anyway to calm me down? It's like about laundry job it felt like a repeat, then doctor saying "I don't understand" is weird too, psychologist are understanding people but doctor lied to me, I don't know why he's like that, maybe he's being lazy to tell me something, or what could be the real reason, as my guess just maybe used up as a reason.

The jemputan also receive some chocolate cakes, they're so nice I ate 3 cups of it, I guess (S) really ate differently, then I imagine her nice actually nicer than mine, because she have a proper job, means we are different anyway, if I don't get her it's because we're different because I have schizophrenia, I lost a lot of life moments and experiences, if compare now is like actually I'm stupid then she's not, maybe opposite attracts then I'm attracted to her, because of N level and she's a degree, I really lost in life early days of my younger days, it's bad I have to suffer, my mother treated my failure like from me instead of schizophrenia, she's not helping me at all and treating schizophrenia as the fault for me having weakness in life. I don't understand why doctor let her say such thing, why doctor knew but let it happen? Why did doctor lie about not understanding? It's really not nice to me. I really thought the laundry company would be summon and penalized then had to give me money for the overwork at there, and the difficulty of work is high as a bedsheet and duvet really looks like the same. I'm a nothing man when I've grown up, working as laundry? Then I felt nice about it until the busy parts, life's really bad I really can't do anything about my bad life experiences.

They don't really pity me at all, letting me feel or imagine difficulty early in my life, then I feel the pain + schizophrenia along, then I really can't live my life well, they really didn't give me money during N.S is bad too, I really hard to live my life and they treated me badly too, I read a quote don't write bad about family but I think it's better not to treat a family bad. It's just good they have money for medications I guess. It's just too bad I have to experience life in being the one to become understanding when they're actually older than me. I don't know why they're making me like a kid or retarded guy, this makes losing (S) since I was a kid is actually been their fault anyway. I don't mind my life if ruined like have a reason to not marry her, a reason can be created anyway, then I just did not do stuff. If they did something, maybe (S) won't have history of tunang with monkeyface, my life is stupid being schizophrenic people just don't or can't know if I truly love a person because they may think its just insane or childish expression, they maybe don't know I'm truly in love even, "because gila". Stupid life.

Psychic but injection still

I really lazy to say it but I just go with the flow, like reasons can still be created anyway or using history, but I love this medicine more even if injection, it's the temporary pain been 1 month long why should I not be angry about it, it definitely will disrupt me from able to work smoothly or normally.

Today it's normal, just the 6mth to 7mth's injection, means I'm on medications by right requiring this fluoxetine to maintain it, if not injection it would've been only risperidone and benztropine maybe, my life's luck really within my wishes about injection. The stress of changing from injection is new because last time it wasn't 1 mth of pain, now it's like this, sometimes it's 1 mth of pain. Schizophrenia is definitely a different suffering if take injection.

I'm happy because it's going to be until 7th mth on medication, then another injection towards the 8th mth then see doctor for the 9th mth, it's definitely fast, I truly hope I get a job by March, but just the $6/hr hopefully it's easy and not back pain.

I'm in the bus now writing this, I planned to pass the time by writing then I actually have nothing to write too. Maybe at home I will think of something. I didn't smoke too just now don't know why I feel like vomity so I don't smoke. Doctor still didn't remind me of anything, and it's just a normal visit to doctor, nothing special. I guess doctor really pretended not knowing I won't skip medicine, I don't know for what too.

Mixture of feelings

Really feel hopeless, in January is the difficult phase, I face difficulty so many times and like everytime in my life, I wonder why I'm so unlucky like this, then exist strictness in family too, I'm so big already but it's like this. The pressure is felt as big and boring, I really just want to be seeing doctor already but it's 4p.m the meeting. It's Monday today means (S) is at work, many are so lucky to have health.

I didn't even know life is let to be hard when it can be easy, I don't know why it's like this, I just have to believe my family just goaling for medicines and that's all, don't know why they want me to feel like the story of like an orphan. I dont know what's the success if I really get money late in June next year, it's really harsh then doctors didn't help me too. I have to imagine smoking rolled cig. of unfinished tobacco of my brother's as he have a lot like 1 container as ashtray, the true way of smoking is really practiced by him then I can't even experience the normal way but just smoking until the cotton area, to finish it, life is really bad for me already then they didn't support what can make me feel lighter, I have to write or hint then it's the same outcome, like nothing can talk to them for me too, reasons can be created anyway, dont know why doctor let the strictness continues, I'm a grown up man but it's like this to create a childish feeling of anger and the sadness is like pathetic.

I guess to assume now nobody is helping, it's already 6mths+ anyway, my heart will be less peaceful because of money for entire month, then still praying jobclub give me a job faster than working for free as it's probation period, it just have to be like that their procedure, it's just my luck people just express as nothing painful in my life instead, I don't know when I will msg my mother for money, it will be the 2nd time ever since last year maybe, then hope I get money for real, I never asked for money since N.S days but they are still strict about money. My life can't be healthy like this, no wonder doctor said that "babies will be sick if have babies" then? It's because I don't experience a lot of pleasure in life. Feel sad if I'm goaling for a lover then actually having no money and can't work, I feel like a useless man already, then girl that I intended to be my lover have to know this kind of stuff as a man it's hard to imagine the stress became shared like a small kid or retarded guy. People all hate to be asked for money, then I have to experience anticipation of being asked for money by me from others, the imagination is bad and stupid man.

I really don't know what caused me schizophrenic during my N level, I maybe would've gotten money as presents, it's maybe really the small girl that caused my schizophrenia to happen, it would've been handled well maybe? I kept forgetting then remembering of the small girl by her voice in my memory, then it boils me up then I have to rest, hopefully it's because the medicine is finishing that it's like this, why she have to be trying to control my mind becoming a lot of her voices to mess up my mind and health. In the past even if schizophrenic, I could still go to school, but they let me experience this kind of stuff.

If its far away people reading definitely none can help, I have to feel like a heart-jerk in my heart many times because of stress about money. ••••••••••• it removes some pain like that.

My love not here yet...

Story of psychic in m.r.t at that time was I will meet (S) here, but then (S) answer about her nickname, then Plato exist what year? It's been so many years ago, maybe if she don't remember she's really abit schizophrenic?

I really don't know how I can communicate with (S), everytime I feel like trying something and my heart feels heavy in love that it have some kind of weight that slows my movement, love is really heavy to carry. I don't know why Love is like that, if Love is a Soul itself I wish it help me and tell (S) I'm true, maybe trueness is what she don't feel, or hard to believe about it. 

Wonder who

Always got a wrong number from Malaysia caller, I ever believed (R) about wasting my phone bill away as her motive so I became in having no money to contact girls I think, then I wonder if it's true or the same person. But then this story exist long time ago, I don't care anyway, it's weird I have to experience something like this but I don't mind as it's nothing I would answer.

Now is 10.34a.m, my blog readers really like limited into a thinking of importance as I remember about my uncle, he just creating lots of views as something to prioritize, but I wonder how many readers is it as fact, then if I'm not sure and it was last year, then is this year the same? Does my aunt and uncle still read my blog? As I will think as only doctors. It's just 6 more days and I'm doing job-training, I really hope Popeyes hire me faster as I don't want to be working for free, but it feels like Popeyes really don't need workers as I passby the restaurant its usually empty and few people, it's still good because it's close to Johor, and people from other country can get to know taste of Popeyes food first, like they have only in Changi Airport last time, Popeyes are really addictive chicken, they're so nice and my favourite. I hope I become a strong man to work normally, I realize whenever it's the end of medicine moment for new injection, the anxiousness comes back, I really hope the change of medicine doesn't have to be warded, it would be sad as I would panic more because on the 5th January is my job-training. I notice I would lose memory on things to do, like if I plan to shampoo my head, then I can forget(I use normal bodysoap anyway) and then not do it anyway. It's really weird, is it really the impact of finishing medicines? Maybe true medicines are important that I must remember this way instead.

I really feel the pressure if I don't have cig. or panic if money is finishing, then I don't have the communication to try ask my family for money, they really making me wait for 1 year? I think it's too harsh and I have no idea why they're like this but I'm still the best uncle and cousin in the world, what did doctor calculate of what would happen to me if I have money?

I think I just msg my mother if the pain is too much, and needing money, I really don't know why they like creating of something I should do(msg my family myself) to get money, haha. It's really no use. I really been taking medications for more than 6 mths. I remember it's the death of family members causing it I forgot I shouldn't be too happy with money.

Anyway my Mother's Jemputan as Selangor:

Just showing (S) their marriage really can make fireworks, it's really fun, if marry on New Year definitely a free fireworks to pose with and take photos. Just imagination. I remembered (S) didn't really care and tunang anyway at that time, I really don't feel lucky in life anymore and there's no way to confirm that she love me even if doctor saying she will say she love me on 17 November 2025. It's really harsh to have this in my mind then unsure.

I think it's really cool and they are maybe my far family because looks like me.

Today meeting doctor! 29 Dec 25, my 6mths is over

Morning I go to shop, to feel stabilized by redbull.

Today is Day 137 out of ward on medications and +48 = 185 days on medications = 6 mths+ already. It's fun to be successful on medications, my road to recovery is about 6 more months to go. My data is 133mb/400gb and still like half month done, then it will expire. I'm barely surviving maybe like $170 left and I really don't know if I will be supported somewhere in January hopefully. I hope I don't suffer in January.

This morning my mother gave me Dunkin Donuts' Tuna Bread, I think she bought when she's in Malaysia, then I ate the "Mood Support Pill" early morning today, hopefully it fixes me and strengthen me today. My meeting with doctor is at 4p.m today, and I'm changing medicine hopefully I won't be warded. My jobclub is in 1 week and it's the start of something new in my life, my road to a working life, hopefully at Popeyes.

The lightness yesterday, then I don't feel doctors or anyone that's telling my family really reads, then I really wonder what's their plan or I'm just in a rush still having $170 left, the panic feeling is real it's like that, I know I think if I can make it 3 days 1 box of cig. buying the $13.90 one, I can $170-$139= $31 left in January, but I want to buy drinks and I have plans to care my future babies with nice food. Today I ate Tuna Bread with Cabbage, I think my future babies will be healthy. Today I dream of Chicken Chop I think, I then imagine my future babies asking for it too, as they are psychics, said by doctor, I really wonder about a baby, is it they chose their mother? All guys with sperm already have baby then just need a mother for their feature of face to exist, having their father's features since sperm days, I really hope I become a grandfather 1 day. I don't know what I did but doctor told me I'm the best uncle and cousin in the world, I'm really happy if I have money I can become someone useful and more capable of taking care of myself and others.

Maybe it's matter of the heart that I'm the best, like people can't judge me as I'm schizophrenic and I'm not capable of showing I care at all, because I'm in pain myself, I truly believe doctor when I wear Profector Pants yesterday, that he is psychic, then I still didn't get money too, then I wonder if I will suffer again this morning, it's already too late at night to get any money, I will just have to survive with my calculation or I will ask my mother if 6mths taking medications I can get money anyway to support me? Life's hard I have to believe it's 1 year of medication before they give me any money. But the nice thing is I still will get RG477V by 6 mths too, at least if I buy ownself its like that. I really remember doctor saying they will start being normal and nice to me once it's 6mths on medications, but maybe they calculated on the date as 29th of each month as I entered ward on 29 June.

I really feel like I can do well this March at least maybe I would be working by then by Jobclub, 2 months to wait is really long. I wonder why Rasullullah(s.a.w)'s family is not the best ranking of uncle and cousin but I believe doctor is right like they knew my number is 80244202 since long time ago. I really don't know what I did to be the best cousin. It's really special, since my family is a world ranking of best, actually I think my family is great then I only have to wonder why they not giving me any money.

I heard by doctor I'm being spied and they worry if I buy drugs, then I definitely won't become a mastermind and wanting to recover why would I buy drugs then, it's really harsh to make me wait so long.

Feeling abit light

It's like I will really get money today, I hope my aunt remembers hahaha, I think she promised last year that I will get money in the 6th month, 2 Aunts I think, but then I remember she understands the panic I'm in because of shortage of cash looks like will finish before February because of eating prata cheese egg especially costing $3, I really don't know if true or not too.

It feels a bit light when I remembered this, I really don't know if it's true is the point because it seems true, like I'm lucky to be saved by my aunt. It could be that I'm at false memory like when I remember Jafni as a girl instead then a baby girl I called as Jafni? Then I thought I saved the baby girl from Changi Abandoned Structure(Old Changi Hospital). Schizophrenia is false memory, but I take medications can't be a false memory, maybe if my aunt remembers I'm luckier, I really will feel bad about asking for money.

Today the hotness came about with crave of cig. as a lot as the medicine is finishing tomorrow, it's like really a bad situation and crisis, cig. definitely important to cool my body down. I really have smoked 9 cigs. today when actually I thought $13.90 cigs. are 3 days. I bought this at other shop for $14 instead. It's really bad I really need a support like a calculated quitting method even, by doctors as they can confirm such thing while I can't.

It's hard I really feel light when thinking of my aunt will be giving me support, then I just have to hope and pray life gets lighter from the panic. It's harsh if I think of taking money from my aunt I will feel bad because they work hard for money, I definitely want to think of something 1 day. I don't know how my brother cope being able to smoke continuously for so many years, his life is really lucky he don't have schizophrenia so can work, while I can't, I feel like always in need of support, I take medications now and if O.T decides my life maybe I'm better and okay about this. Will it happen like story of doctor about my aunt, because today I wear Profector Pants, the brand is Profector, it matches the story of she will be calling me down to go shop to buy cig. for me. Usually people will say "takde duit jangan hisap rokok" but I wonder if it's true, it's really hard for a smoker to cope without cig., I think my parents pretend not knowing I smoke because doctor say to not talk about it if want me to quit smoking I think, I really hope doctors support me but nobody messaging me to comfort me.

I remembered about Hisyammuddin he was supported when in need of cash in the past, so lucky, then I feel like it's the same for me, I will experience the same like him maybe, aunt will give money I think?

I feel I became worse like I usually won't write about money, but then I have to because of the stresses hoping someone tells my family I need money.

My Mother at Selangor Yesterday Night

 

The White Hair and my Uncle looks like me.

Remembering About Anbernic RG477V

It's going to be the last console that Anbernic creates and is going to be the best, it's upgradeable like P.S.P 1 day and I think doctor planned that I have a business about it, I really want to biz Anbernic - RG36S is Cool too. It's less than $50 like can earn a lot from it. I really want to be businessman about matters of games.

I remember it's something like that, if it's not the last, then it's the first upgradeable console that we don't have to buy anymore, I forgot doctor say which one.

I will live life normally like playing Anbernic RG477V 1 day around month of June next year, im definitely able to afford it by then as my mother will be giving me about $10K I think, it's finally something nice in my memory, I remembered like my 1st sister giving me like $7K and my 2nd sister a lot like she plan that I buy a house using her savings, means she and my father actually planned that I buy a house? Wow. I'm finally going to be an asset guy like for free, anhedonia I hope doesn't take away such pleasure in my life I truly hope I will recover sooner too, but why December 2026? Why is it so long?

I don't know my health is like wanting to care and have assets like: game consoles, phone, laptop, gold ring and chain necklace, I really want to be a normal man, LIGE watch too like nice to have. I've been liking Gold Watch since long time ago, I feel it matches my skin, I definitely will be finer looking on June next year. I still feel like buying the fake gold necklace until now, it makes me feels more relaxed and having something to remember of money alot more too.

I truly hope just now the swift recovery will create health for me by next month onwards, I truly want to recover faster than doctor saying about "December will recover" but don't know which year is it. It's 28 December today so it don't looks like I will take O level next year at all. I thought it's going to be a money-plan like having money just by going to school, then it's too late already and no reminder from doctor or neighbour about it, so it's definitely year 2027 my O level.

I read that 2027 theres no longer N and O level but students will take the same paper, I wonder what it's going to be, the exam becomes easier? I really hope it's the end too, it's just nice like 2027 then it's something new in life, then I'm taking it by 2027, I really want to become a successful person in life. I remembered again that doctor knew about this too and told me before then it just proves more that he's a psychic, I wonder how psychic feels fine this situation of difficulty and my parents or family don't give me money yet, it's definitely hard my life I truly hope they support and give me money before February, I just need to feel colder sometimes and cig. is the best and fastest solution, I hope my family will become more understanding and knowing like a psychic that I don't make up the painful heat I feel but it's true physical type of heart pain from hotness. The anger will be very fast on my last day of injection medicine.

I'm really planning to Biz like my shoes too, to make money from selling it - without the brand so it will sell, I really hope doctors let me know if it's a good idea, I really want to make money in life and not be a lazy man - it's because of feeling healthier just now, maybe what if it's the last droplets of injection medicine causing the feelings?

Tomorrow is quite an excitement to imagine the end of injection pain in future as I will be taking oral medications instead. I definitely walk around a lot more until my legs in pain due to medicine finishing. I think I will be able to work at Popeyes tomorrow onwards as no more panic from "if injection it will be painful so can't work", I really want everything to be smooth.

My other dream and death extension theory

I was riding on a computer seat that have rollers under it, then moving so fast on road and have a brake too, couples try to take my photo when doing something, a guy try to rape a girl in a car but require me to be there to frame me of doing it, something like this my dream. I assume the girl was blindfolded so he try to rape and the girl will think it's me when she open her eyes because I'm there.

Today even if medicine finishing, suddenly I feel my head became light and painless for awhile just now, I feel like I have recovered schizophrenia, I don't know why it's like that, it feels so nice then I wonder "if normal people feels this way", everyone are so much luckier than me in life, the people with schizophrenia in I.M.H looks richer than me in their life experience with android, they all seem fluent users while I'm like a newbie. Why even during my schizophrenia, my family did not give me money? Why they are richer in life than me - those with schizophrenia in I.M.H, I remember they all looks happier but I assume not taking medicine as spit them out in toilet maybe, because they became very childish in I.M.H. I remember they maybe don't remember we kept seeing each other in ward always the same people, because we don't take medicines at that time, means medicines are important to help remember, people that knows and hate us definitely want us to not take medications because it causes less pain and heat in body, the voices became lesser and less painful too.

I just ate Chilli Tuna 1 tincan with White Rice just now, maybe it's the cause of less pain in body too, I feel recovered awhile just now, but when I heard "kenape macam gini eh?" it's still voices when I think of it, it was a nice pleasant rested feeling from pain and heat, the surrounding feels normal just now. I still think people are luckier in life than me despite having schizophrenia.

I don't remember my other dreams, only the 2. Anyway I read about nicest sleeping hours is 9, then I remembered about a dying person will have like inward hollow area at the middle of forehead, so if half massage half of forehead leaving like a square in middle, the forehead that area will become like bloated I remember, means it's like theory of death can be extended if as long as it's not inward. It's because I remember that 1 Doctor is dying during RG477V exist, then if the doctor regarded me as a son, I feel bad if I don't remember anything or spend time with him with RG477V maybe(I know at least next year June will be enough time to buy), the doctor looks like my previous photo, and bald head. I remember it's this doctor I think. It's natural death I think. I just think of my old theory during my schizophrenic days, that making that middle forehead like bloat will extend death moments. --->|  |<--- massage like that leaving a space in middle, then my forehead middle area ever bloated. It's because I thought I was dying 1 time then I remember if dying people become blur-thinking, then I was blur a lot of times so I theory and do such massage to counter the death inward like-hollow forehead, like a dig.

Alot of Dreams

Maybe medicine finishing causing me to have a lot of dreams, I only remember one something about drinking bubble tea or ice blended. Nice if Allah created the dream as imagination of drinking cold will cool body too, imagination of hot will heat up body into pain.

Tomorrow is the day I will request doctor to change my medicine into eating type, I think it's called oral medicine, then I don't have to suffer from injections anymore, it's close to 1 month my left arm still hurts.

I'm at Day 136 outside ward on medications and +48 = Total of 184 Days on medications, I've really passed 6 months and still no money like expectation of support and celebration of my smooth medicine intake.

I just spend anyway just now because I really feel hotness and craving for cig., I really hope doctors support me in a way by calculation of cutting cig. instead of making me stop right away, I understand a special smoker is something like that "stopping immediately", it's really hard to feel healthier and more stable if I stop immediately, I really hope someone support me with money, it's really harsh this life. I'm really not expecting anything from (S) about money as I don't want to become a bad man that asks someone for money, it's only to last until February, so I hope someone really help me by telling my family about this.

My Simba data usage is 127mb/400gb, it makes me happy whenever I write of data because Simba makes me feel so rich because of so much data given for the phone line subscription, it's impossible that I would cut this number my entire life, I really feel like psychic is real like not an Intel about what number will exist or what company will exist then selecting number themselves, I really feel psychic is real. Means I truly feel like my doctors will support me with money during my "cleaning training" or even tomorrow hopefully. My life really feel like ending or deadmeat kind of panic and rush, having to wait until February for G.S.T/Assurance Package that is still not known of getting it or not.

Just now I dropped my cig. box about 19 sticks inside out of 20, then I found it half of road cross path, I'm really lucky about it, I feel like it happened before and it feels like "Suntricity" is real, it can happen the same thing many times, I didn't use bag just now and only my pockets.

It's really harsh if doctors or my family will truly make me endure until February I hope they don't do such thing because doctors definitely knows, I really wish for support of doctors.

Yesterday the feeling of remembering (W), (S), (A) during baby days like exist, it's like all I knew before when they were babies, it's weird it have to be like this. I remember of 1 of my photo that looks like 1 of doctor of I.M.H, I don't know why I became to look so thin - The bald doctor.

Medicine finishing maybe

Feel bad maybe it's because medicine finishing from inside body? The heat like existing again, I feel I should take the eating ownself type of medicine because injection is a long time at the end of the month.

I think I will do well this time, I hope my body can manage without benztropine too but if finger moves about I will still tell doctor. I really think if I take medicines on time I can evade the heating up body moment, I really think I must do this change too. Injections can be painful sometimes then it can disrupt my working intent or plan, I really hope I won't be warded because of changing medicine.

Maybe it's the finishing medicine causing like memory loss, the impact is real like I kept being blurry again, then once change medicine it's finally I can maintain a stronger health every month, I really hope I do well this time, it's hard thinking about money too, then medicine finishing and my body like being heated up again, it's so many times this schizophrenia sickness, it will be gone by 38 years old, I hope it's true. When I remember again doctor like ever said "December I'm not supposed to recover yet", if it's not this year, maybe it's next year, maybe January 2027 I will recover? When I think properly it sounds like I will recover late 38 years old, I hope it's just in the middle, maybe if I recover December 2026 then the medicine just support the rest of my life? My neighbours still take medications so it's weird if I'm the first to be stopped taking medications. I was a yearly at ward kind of life, this year it feels different, I maybe supposed to be warded multiple times each year? This year I finish December smoothly? Wow.

I read about being alone will change me into something new, it's been 16 years alone, then it's 6 mth I changed into someone better for 32 times? I really hope it's something like that. I really don't want to suffer in life.

I have plans about the LOOK Bicycle that I bought, I think I ever told doctor I want to add gearing type to it, like it definitely will be nicer? If not just making it an e-bike too? I really feel I need to write something long enough that satisfies my readers to keep showing me someone reads, I feel so alone in my life blogging is still the best solution.

My Mother at Selangor

 

Just showing (S), on picture left side of table are my aunts and uncle, including the one taking photo is my uncle. Uncle in BlackWhite and Dark Blue.

On the right 3 person I don't know who.

It's like a repeat posting?

Did I lost my memory? Every 6 mths issit I will lose memory, it's like I have ever posted face of (S) before, I usually should have something to write anyway, maybe it's really memory loss, lately I kept experiencing like forgetting what to do on Android, but I take medications still, so I don't know what's wrong, maybe the medicine is fighting something for this situation, usually maybe I would totally loss my memory and eyes turn white as eyeballs rolled upwards.

I really forgot what to write about, I remembered about "Top Hacker's Database Editor" Job workers, the boyfriends of small girl, 1 day when it happen, doctors said I would buy them 2 pants, 2 ankle level cargo pants, 2 long sleeve t shirts, black t-shirt(if they want to work dishwasher or to wear at home), then maybe a black jacket too because it's cheap. If doctors say that I will really spend for them such stuff, means actually "money is not a problem" is real in my life in future? This also means I will have a job already? I know it's something like that to keep my top workers knowing what guys like to wear. I'm really having this kind of future? Means the small girl really found her 2nd boyfriend yet or not? They still like together because they added me during the same moments at Plato. I wonder what will happen, I wonder if it's real love and real heartbreak or not too, because schizophrenia is real pain and real hotness then her boyfriend have to endure such thing because of small girl? Is it really worth it? I just wonder like if the small girl knew that she would receive like a karma or retribution, does she know she will break up first but she really revenging and searching for the doer of her boyfriend, means she maybe the one that's in love and understand what I've gone through. I'm just lucky someone revenge but not to her, but her boyfriend instead, it's also due to because maybe she just in a mood to do like a "perang" couple di dunia, dont know her energy or why she's like that, dont even know if she remembers, just my luck like that suddenly nampak prangai merepek bdk kecik.

I really remembered again, it's like 1 year then my mother is giving me money, not 6 mths, I wonder who will give me at 6 mths because I'm in really panic about life, why in my memory have such thing like doctors will give? Why if it's a dream I have to remember this way?

They really making me suffer for 6 mths more without money? I guess so, their rule is like that maybe, just my luck to become thinking of money continuously like this, maybe it's because of panic and worry on a matter that I become memory loss?

I also remember I ever dream of a cat when I think I'm going out of body, and then I really want a white cat to care since baby, I really hope my life becomes different and having a pet that I can care, like not disgusting their manure to clear up? My sister have a cat but looks okay about it, I think somehow I will learn to be okay about it? I wonder what kind of man I will become if care a cat. I remember in my memory I have been wanting a cat kind of feelings then suddenly I can't remember the feelings, maybe it's bad to have a pet? I feel like buying a hamster now talking about this, but it would be difficult to care too, I need time that's all. I've been wanting to care a pigeon since baby days too, like have a pet that always flies back to me will be nice. Like what kind of happiness will happen to me?

I just feel like a blog if a long writing then it's worth it, the rest in my heart happens when I write something, it's maybe I'm listening to the voices like replays causing me to write stuff becomes a nicer feelings. I don't know why I feel like this, maybe it's schizophrenia that I hope psychic understands, I don't like to feel uneasy something in my life.

Just eat Chicken Chop w/ Tomato Rice anyway..

Despite saving up, my hunger and for my future babies I really care by eating this favourite of mine. I really hope the story of "baby will be sick" will be over, doctor said I ate a lot of it, means it's still a long time to go that I will get married, or at least within 2 years even? I'm still wondering if I will really work at Popeyes, Soldier Job and Iqra then Night Bicycle Life, I wonder which happens first, or it's still months to go then I work at Popeyes? Will I require to be doing cleaning for $6/hr in February? It looks like too boring kind of growth?

I just spend anyway today, hoping life is like story that doctors will support me with money in January. I will really feel like life's harsh in January because only have less than $200 left. I smoke quite fast $13 for 2 days, I think of changing to $13.90 cig. then its 3 days I hope, I really need to save up, I feel like wanting Dishwasher Job anyway, life's too boring daily.

I really feel like sleeping all day daily so the days passes by faster in my life, life is so limited and have to feel difficult in living my life, I wonder how I can feel the fun of fishing 1 day, will doctor really fish with me? How come I don't work at Popeyes then? Will it take a long time for working at Popeyes? It's really like few months before I get a job?

I posted face of (S) just now I remember saving her posing pictures of clothes that she wear, I wonder why she have such fashion photos, I hope she don't become a model anyway hahaha, it's too much exposure. It's a back comb kind of pictures, I didn't look at them for a long time anyway, I kept thinking about her kindergarten days.

My memories

I don't know why I fell in love this much, it's something clear like an answer I've been in love since kindergarten days, it's so long and my family knows I'm 37 but they still did not effort like my relative, it's so long I have been wanting her, then she tunang with a monkey face then I don't know what happened to her, by right she should have children already because the tunang was so long time ago, my hopes definitely crushed, then when I think of she being the potential 2nd top hacker in the world because of me, it's like another hope I will meet her again as to teach her hacking as I'm top hacker in the world. I really don't know how to get her, her picture is the only confirmation of the girl I'm referring to. I don't know why it's so long but she's fine with it.

6 months on medications today!

I'm finally grown better, I'm 6 months on medications today. Day 135 of medications outside ward, and total of 183 days on medications. I started to remember like my mother will actually give me money when she comes back Selangor. I'm so happy with such memories.

6 months more to go for a recovery, I'm definitely excited to recover and live a happy healthy life like can work and earn money myself. It's just happiness after 16 years of being single last being (A), I really wish (W) and (A) hanged on with me, it's schizophrenia's fault not mine, I truly felt something bad as reality and it's too painful for me, but too bad for me they didn't hang on to our relationship, I'm so lonely for so long in life. The difficulty of money is really heavy so I hope my memories are right that I will be receiving money from my mother, it's like a dream so it's bad too, because it's not clear my estimation of life with little money. It's like a pressure I feel due to panic from the shortage of money left in my life.

Just now I feel the spike like still exist in me, but maybe it's because the medicine is finishing in 2 days(from inside my body) too. It's hard life with spike and cold cig. really maintained the temperature I need in my body. I'm trying or planning to save up by smoking very little but I smoked 2 in the morning just now before bath and after. It's really hard to feel stable requiring cig. I will definitely suffer if I just quit cig. like that, I remember when I was in Batam for 3 days, it's definitely boring and like a suffering too, it's like a stunt of quitting cig. suddenly. Maybe lorazepam will help on quitting cig. by the lots of sleep.

The imagination of recovery is happiness, I'm 38 years old I'm 6mths, I really hope I recover at late 37 years old, then it matches doctors' story that I will recover 38 years old because June is in 6 mths. I definitely will be able to work normally by then. Now is early morning and I'm thinking how the days can pass quickly, I'm also thinking what I would be doing with Fila Jacket and Adidas Hoodie bicycling a lot at night, where would I go? What activity happened in my life? I thought I would be working Popeyes by February? Maybe actually I won't work at all and just keep up with cleaning training earning $6/hr from allowance of cleaning job? I remember doctor saying I would go fishing with him 1 day, but it could be whispers of "if i go fishing with you"(then the story). Hahaha. I really don't know why doctors are being like that. I really want to try fishing kind of life to get something for my family as a return of their help during my schizophrenic days I become troublesome. I feel like a burden to my family and want to get them food too into freezer like a lot of fishes will be easiest free food.

My head really like spinning, it's maybe the micro earthquake being countered by cold cig., so I feel like heavy on my head.

Today I'm only 123MB/400GB of Simba data usage, I'm reminded of happiness my phone number is so easy 80244202 and I got it for my entire lifetime. It's memory definitely with (S) if I got to be in relationship with her, it's like a new life. For now I really hope I get money so I can go out to Marina Square remembering the past and spend my phone data, maybe gift myself McDonald's food and buy a cheap laptop even. I really wonder what to do with so much Data. Will I have friends to play Anbernic RG477V 1 day to spend a lot of phone data by taking photos? Is it the Adidas Hoodie and Fila Jacket is taking photos and playing RG477V with friends?