Just now I bought Big Chicken Pau and used my NETS for $1.40 tincan drink because only left $8+ in my bank then I can't take it out so using it as tap card to buy. I wonder what's going to happen because I thought I would get Soldier Job December then it's the end of pain in waiting, then maybe it's a different year because I know it's December doctor said it like that.
The boredom happening and I can't sleep in the day, it's morning wake-up and until night time everyday, the recovery process is really hard, psychics are not surprised I really take my medications maybe they really knew it already, but worry until next year 6 months to go before changing into pills, what's going to happen to me? What makes the injection as still good for me? It's every month going to doctor because of injection, it's really hard I hope I work then just pay extra $20 for them to come and inject me in future, I really want to feel more relaxed. It's $4(transport) vs $20(if they come for injection), then it's a lazy feeling, it would be worry of pain anyway but I love injection type of medicine instead anyway. I hope life don't become harder, it's like a stone feeling my body keeps feeling it, maybe it's a failed-jerk in my body.
I will later try to close my eyes but I don't think I would fall asleep, my mother really cooks late then really feel hungry I have to spend what I plan to save, it's really bad like I'm becoming fat. I truly look fat in my opinion. I will try to exercise my legs too later.
My days of life so many years thinking of (S), forgetting ever talked to her is bad at that time, then remembering now maybe because of medicine, I hope she just comes into my life 1 day, I really don't know who to ask help from, it's so difficult but she continues living her life working at O.C.B.C. I wonder why or how she can forget me after all that experience. Why she didn't treat me special already?
Remembering about gifts are the only pleasures on life left, I really am in a difficult situation now I don't know why it have to be this way, I ate small epok2 7 of it just now morning but still hungry, I really don't know if (S) really eats the same as me, I really hope she start thinking how to get in touch with me as I'm feeling like hell having nobody in my life.
I write a lot nowadays I'm thinking what should I do from day to night now, why I have nothing to spend my time on, like why anhedonia created me not just gaming everyday and I loss of so much pleasure in my life. I'm supposed to be gaming during my free time but I'm not nowadays, it's been so long too, why is it like this? Will I be happy even if I get Anbernic RG477V? I really don't know.
Anhedonia is like a secret suffering that maybe create catatonia(sticky feeling in my heart)? It's like insanity the boredom, then to close my eyes at sofa really expecting the end of pain, it's so painful due to nothing to do in life, if work it becomes worrying instead, really they make me hear(voice memory) about Solat over and over again it's so boring and painful my life. (S) dont feel closer too, she's like gone maybe as secret fact, even if my aunt contact her I'm not updated about her at all, I'm made to forget have ever talked to her anyway, means I forgot that she work O.C.B.C at that time, really forgot and felt sad not knowing where she work at.
I wonder what I should do everyday, I browse Facebook and TikTok then feel so bored and painful, I maybe need to play games so life becomes better, but mobile games only PUBG, M.L to think about. Life really sucks for me while everyone else living their life happily and healthy happiness. Schizophrenia is so long to recover, if physical pain exist why it's called as mental illness I really dont know why.
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