I don't know why I'm 37 years old but like a poor man, my skills didn't bring me to be earning alot yet in life and it's all due to schizophrenia, it took my life and happiness away. If I remember correctly, doctor ever said I would work as Popeyes and Soldier Job for 3 years then working in I.M.H after that. It's December now but Soldier Job still haven't appear yet, I wonder why.
When I was on the phone with (W) in the past, doctor called and claim I will become a doctor at 38 years old, that's what I heard in the doctor's conversation with (W), but now I'm 37 still not even close to becoming a psychologist/psychiatrist, I wonder why I hear until like that, is it the small girl making a big voice then? I wonder.
I really feel like applying at Popeyes personally at M.R.T but waiting for Jobclub will still be nice, I really don't know what to do, the schedules became imagined as tight again due to nurse home visit coming up soon.
Sometimes in my heart it feels tight I guess even if not the reason, I will quit smoking as I only have 2 cigarettes left. I really can't enjoy my life if I smoke, 1 Packet is $13, to be a 2 days every time it's *15 for 1 month = $195/mth just like that, I wonder why I have became a smoker but people don't pity me that I feel like spending so much away except telling me to quit sounding easy instead, why aren't they helping me like buying me to decrease cigarette? They know needs is necessary to feel peaceful.
There's 1 video that if think of future is controlled by anxiety, if think of others is controlled by others, if think of ownself then is peaceful, I really want to think for myself and gain the peace. Is it I'm controlled by (S) most of the time then? I wonder how to be peaceful, smoking is a way of peace just knowing I need the medicine and proper sleep everytime I will be fine in learning again, I remembered I was fine when learning N-Level but the topic is so many years ago but my schizophrenia been so many years to still talk about it, I really want to be smart too, I scored 100/100 for 6 months for nothing, I end up schizophrenia and my end result is sad, only English as 2 the rest as 4, even if passing all, I was not satisfied because I used to score 100/100.
I wonder if at year of age 39 I will take O-Level, I really want back a smart profile, I was very smart in school, schizophrenia dropped my view of my standard and I became like nothing kind of man, even if I can hack, doctors didn't tell me of the job yet, and I have to wait for my age of recovery - it's so long, I really need money to feel stable. This means next year is the new life thing for me - I will ask my brother if remember he ever wanted to sponsor me to get license, I hope he remembers if he doesn't then I will ask my father I think. I saw my I.M.H Bills for 1.5mths it's $1.5K+, they spent so much on me it's even more than a cigarette price then actually just because of staying there it's so expensive, that's after subsidy, I wonder why it's so expensive.
I really need the strength to wait for jobclub to contact me, to endure the 1 month of "no allowance" probation then $6/hr, then work as a sick man? My parents don't pity me at all that someone like me have to work too? Why is it like that?
I only have 2 sticks cig. left that's going to be my last(I plan it to be like this) for this month until I got a job, I really need to save up money and luckily I haven't spent so much on cig., I don't understand why people will be so sad if it's part of craving to smoke, I wonder why it actually helps me from the spikes I got, the heat I used to feel, I really will be deciding to quit smoking this time, I hope I'm successful finally.
I saw that I have a size 33 3/4 jeans given from someone and I planned to buy cargo pants, my 2 pants missing I wonder where my family put them, maybe they threw them away :( but I'm too old for such trendy wear, even my $200+ Nokia Android is missing. My parents don't care if I lose items at all.
I remember the days the small girl managed to make me think I'm Dajjal and is sacrifice of Islam "that's why I feel all the pain", why is schizophrenia hot and painful? I really want to recover from this pain and decrease of happiness in life. I want to believe doctor that stopping smoking is the way of life. I hope I don't get raged to buy(like the earthquake at head makes me want to smoke to decrease the heat and lessen the dark vision that I get) from unknown sickness maybe it's called catatonia.
I've lost so much time in life, I need to learn to gain peace or I'm deadmeat wondering if I'm becoming an insane person, just hope my family will be more understanding about smoking because I still in a panic and stress that the police will warn of the ashes piled up outside at staircase, I really will have to endure my mother's talk again if police appeared again. I hope they don't appear like right now, then it's just peaceful and I quit smoking already considered the 2 last cig. left.
I really think it is catatonia that sometimes makes me feel "want to work" and "cannot work because" "feeling like this". I don't know what sickness is it too, I know 1 day I ever told doctor I want to be successful person too and hope doctor plans a stable job for me, I really don't want to be a normal man working normally it is sad. I scored 100/100 during N-Level for nothing? They are not celebrating my achievement at all because maybe didn't know or didn't believe me, I'm sad how I didn't get a computer even at 37 years old now, I still feel like a young adult or old. It's way too old, close to 40 years old then I still not strong enough to work myself because of schizophrenia.
I will look more for jobs, then I am also sad how I can't wear safety shoes as it will become painful if I work something requiring safety shoes. I can't get a nice job because it's like that. I really end up becoming a dishwasher until I'm stable health and hope doctors remembers to give me a hacker job, doctors made me wait and wonder on purpose skipping topic of a nice life that I want, I don't know why but it still makes me faster and happy sometimes, I hope doctors become nicer to me like giving me a job without from jobclub, but my O.T is true I require to have stamina I guess. I don't know how to recover from sudden sadness or feeling weak, I'm happy for now like an ambitious life path is to quit smoking first. I hope I can do well this time.
No comments:
Post a Comment