What to do in life?

It's been almost 1 year on medication, another 2 days is my 38th birthday, I still can't think how doctor knew I maybe would not be working until August even then knowing about the Mew Keychain I plan to buy for $10, why he don't mind that I don't work for so long? I'm really going to use my $850 on that?

I really hope for psychic knowledge but I can't get any for now, even 31st August I fear of doctor warding me if I ask for psychic answers, it's really bad my life experience. I really feel helpless right now, it means August I still won't be studying for my O level? Why is it like that?

I plan to download a lot of games for my handheld console, then I wonder if I will have any friends at all, it's boring my life journey then people let me growing the same like this kind of path for almost 1 year, there's no additional fun or entertainment kind of difference, there's no money to create me to imagine that I can be going City Hall again, it's been so long I haven't gone to places like at there then my life really being like this as something thats permanent. The imagination of permanent boredom really make me scared, maybe it's due to the lack of cigarette for the fear feelings I have, maybe it's just that.

I really feel that I shouldn't suicide because I want to take my O levels, then only sleeping pills are my imagination of suicide that's painless - "to die while asleep" I thought something like that, that's the only thing on my mind. Maybe it's due to wanting money causing me like this, but I have money that maybe will last until August, it's really a heavy life journey, I really think Alysha should just lighten up my life instead of living her life, she's having fun in University while I'm experiencing a bad life journey, even Dina needs money, then she didn't pay us both, especially the Johor money that I used up because of her, I wonder why her mind are crazy like that, she don't pity that I wasted hundreds of dollars to go Johor just because of her lie that there's "Wali Songo" at there, I really wanted to be cured from the pain I feel, then I don't know why mentally weak to believe something like that, it's really sad she don't pay up until now, she made me poor and loss of happiness and nobody in my family or doctor pitied me by giving me money because of her, they just let the loss happens and Alysha got lucky from police again. I think of reporting police if she don't pay up anything on my birthday, so that I can disturb her school days back like she disturbed mine, making her achieve lesser in life or fail is my goal, but I really don't know how to do it.

What's sad about Law and readers - none reported to Police about Alysha and let her go freely studying still in university, I became so angry when I remember what she did to me, like saying I'm an orphan, and thinking my mother is a Jew or Japanese like it's still world war 2 happening in Singapore, then a schizophrenic would believe something like that? What an ass kind of mouth, she's so bad to me like a crime level but Law probably ignoring because she's taking her university. How lucky her life have missed girls' home for bullying Dina, there's no one counselled her too. Then my bad experience is for being a smoker there's no counsellor help for me, it's really bad my life experience, I really don't know what to do, I feel like asking other free counsellors to help me but I remembered about Club Heal being the best free counsellor, so I don't know my luck, my lifes not going to move into a better state.

I'm at the sofa as usual daily always the same spot, I don't know why my parents let me live this kind of life, it's really heavy and boring, they don't add fun into my schizophrenic mind, they let me become like a waiting person at home waiting to be cured by taking medicine daily, there's no activity like knowing other schizophrenics that is on medications and talking to them about life as hearing voices, the thing is will they even tell they hear voices? My life journey is really bad.

I estimate that due to doctor saying I will buy a Mew Keychain in August, it means I won't study yet even in August, then maybe it's September October November or December? Why am I so late in life? Why counsellor don't pity that I want to achieve something in life and just help me a special reason kind of way? The special reason is because I'm old age then just taking my O level? It's so late this age and I really need help like getting a cert in life, I remembered that I cut my N level cert before then it's in some kind of scotch tape, I really felt sad then they knew it too, I just can't throw them away, I wonder where's my resume file and N level cert too as fact, thats my last memory of it. My family cleaned the room so I don't know if I can find it in almari(that's where I placed it), I just living a tough life now like a no certificate guy and just going to treasure the certificate that I will get next year, it's my only path in life.

I feel like Wahdiah and Shahridah had left me by not talking to me, I wonder why they became a mute, or are they being dramatic about my sickness? I understand and just believe it could be because I may go into coma as their only reason as that's what doctor would say if I can't remember and reminded too much, I would suddenly loss memory multiple times when I remember the bad things in life, and it continuously happens until coma. If its going to be something physical like body becoming a vegetable, why people just don't spend time with me anyway? They really let me grow old without supporting me is something sad that I have to endure, I can't even think I will become someone that read books daily when I'm old, it's impossible because my certificate is so low and "I'm always feeling Like This", it's a bad feeling most of the time that I endure everyday, why people don't mind that I suffer in life?

Whats the point of having readers if none helped me anything? Why people just joining the crowd of doing nothing for me or doing no help to me? What's so good about being the same crowd as my parents that do not help me anything except give money for medications ONLY, it's really bad my life journey like this, why nobody is helping me out?

I think I'm just going to spend time downloading game for my handheld console testing like DreamCast, Wii etc. just 1 game each to test then see if I will buy the 2TB micro SD card. Sayonara peoples.

Can't get friends

I tried writing hoping Alan Wong reads me but he don't contact me it means he maybe don't want his steampowered account, it's really bad my schizophrenic mind created me like just using his account, then I have a lot of games that he bought already at there.

Doctor maybe won't help me get him because he's like a boring person, maybe like someone that will ruin my image but he is A level student anyway, maybe a kind like a nerd 🤓, then I got so many games from his account then it's still locked anyway, I don't have anyone to play my handheld console to meet up, then I remember I have anhedonia anyway, I will probably feel boring meeting people and can't play games as fact, it's maybe just a temporary feeling in life.

I wonder what to do in life, I'm happy of having CDC voucher, then it's still $100+ in my wallet and about $280+ in my bank, I really survive with much money until 17th June today, it's such a difficult life having no friends. I remember like doctor said I will bet in Mario Kart if I play at Club Heal then everyone that didn't get 1st place have to give $1-$2 to first place, I think doctor said that I will win all and then maybe Club Heal is not like that anyway, maybe we can't have a game corner and I am just imagining things because I never gone to Club Heal before. I wonder what to do in life if RG477V can make betting happens it would be so nice life if I really win everything and have money my entire 6 months left to 2027. Haha.

It feels real like I will still be a dull feeling until August, then doctor said I will buy Pokemon keychain with my name customized, and it's Mew, for $10, will I really do such thing? Then why it is in August that I will buy such thing? Does this means since July onwards I still won't be working? If I'm going to live on until end of June not taking my car license, will I take it during my O level then? Why is it like that? I really need a planner of my life for me, and things to do because of anhedonia I really can't enjoy anything at all. Why Alan Wong won't contact me back anyway? I can't add up the steam friends because account is locked I think, I think his userid is Godfather, I really forgot.

I hope I have someone to play games or do things with me, who would doctor bring back into my life? Who would go Ghost Hunting with me?

If Wahdiah and Aby in my life they probably sleep after working day anyway, then even on weekends they aren't in my life, I really don't know what they're doing, I really can't get help from them to lighten up my life weight, why they are as "in relationship with me" but why Wahdiah like ruling like a counsellor instead? Why can't she be nicer to me anyway? It's really bad my life journey having nothing I can do to feel good, I hope someone just appear in my life with R36S and ask me to play games together. I thought Epul going to get me undercover job this year but I really don't know, he said it's permitted by my doctor to work I think, it's really a cool undercover job, I think he said maybe I will get a police admin job, I really don't know hahahaha, I don't know why I remember him most of the time in my life, it's maybe because he said he want to give me a computer on my birthday. Its weird my ns friends giving me pity money as their expression last time but saying it's because of the black magic they had done to me, I feel bad like I have no friends, "everyone black magic me"? I thought to myself like why people believe in black magic, I still consider it as pity money if they really appear in my life 19th June to give me money.

I hope some of them tell counsellor what black magic they talk about, but then counsellor won't talk to me, then it's not use if counsellor end up having a stack of stories then I am still a smoker then it means counsellor won't help me. Hahahaha, I'm dead meat without a guidance, I wish I don't see things when I don't smoke, it's just a weird vision like causing me unstable in my life, I lie down for so long worried of my mind/brain feeling bad then nobody can do anything about it.

I remember it's either Epul or Naim going to get me friends that will play their R36S with me when I'm bored at home doing my job, I really feel boring like whatever is permission of doctor I will do anyway, but the thing is will they really appear back into my life again? I really don't know.

Kept seeing things

When I don't smoke my vision kept seeing things, it feels like my brain got adjusted to secure something inside, like a twitch happened, I closed my eyes until 11+a.m today due to feeling dull and nothing in life due to not smoking. My imagination of receiving counsellor's help on 24 June didn't happen because I went down to smoke again, it's only $4.30/2 days then I hope counsellor just help me anyway, I really want to study for my O level and I don't have someone guiding me, it's really bad if I don't smoke the energy of doing something like don't exist, I really feel like I may become crazy due to the "seeing things", I really don't know what to do.

Today I only smoke 2 piece paper length 1 roll cigarette hoping I can last this storm king for at least 3 days, I really don't understand why I feel uneasy, my body felt bad when I don't smoke I need to exercise a lot to feel a good body, I think I will be fine like this for a while.

Today my mother cook sambal kerang, it's so nice then she didn't cook rice I have to cook myself, I end up just after 12p.m still haven't eat except from margarine and bread just now, I really don't understand the timing of eating it's just so slow but my mother is the one cooking main food so I don't blame her anything.

Today is Aby's 33rd birthday and she's in school, tomorrow is supposedly the day Aby will meet me at my house but I don't believe the plan will really happen, it was planned during the age of 20+ years old that she would appear when I'm reaching 38 years old, it's just too bad it's a long time ago kind of plan, then it's not really felt like it will really happen.

I'm sad how my mind cant stop smoking but it's 1 of the nicest feeling when I smoke just now felt like dropping due to the niceness, then I didn't fall at all, I just walk straight, I don't know why it's like that my body or any smoker will maybe feel that way.

My RG477V console will always fail when extracting PS2 games but the game is playable so I don't know it's until which part then cant play as it don't extract all, usually at 90% like that it will fail extraction. Maybe all is like that?

I check that God of War: Ghost of Sparta and Part II is not the same, I wonder if I should just play anyway the game just keep having to beat up only like meaningless feelings, I wonder what to do in my life.

I bought Iqra learning and Surah Penting books, then I still havent practice them, I don't know why my energy keeps changing, I want to be helped but then smoking is only a puff thing daily but counsellor so strict about it. I hope that even if I try my best, counsellor still helps me. It's really sad to be doing cold turkey, my mind like going insane from having nothing to do, so used to having a cigarette, it's just bad if no one support me and the best counsellor really won't help. It means until December I won't study for O level? Why it's like that my life journey?

Day 307 out of ward(355 on medications)

Just 10 days left to be 1 year on medications, I'm finally recovering I hope I will be cured soon.

Anyway Happy Birthday Shahridah/Aby! But her status as Mdm I really don't know if I should wish her happy birthday, haha, I thought Mdm is for married people?

Life is like meaningless as I still struggle to live life, feeling the anhedonia in my life also makes me angry, I'm sad how weak I am with these feelings everytime I really just surviving my life daily.

I really moody about what to write and I have no mood to write at all, I hope 19th June will be a happy day. I still hear voices of Alysha at my fan.

Tough experience

Remembering a lot about what Alysha said, it's confusing my mind like why I have to endure these if I walk a lot, like I will hear voices that makes me angry or sad most of the time.

It's tiring my eyes, I think I'm supposed to memory loss that's why I kept experiencing dark vision, Alysha is such a trouble maker, I feel so bad luck being her target then law didn't help me too, right now I'm hearing her voices been for a long time since just now dark vision. I'm just enduring it, but I go to my air-cooler and switched on the Aircon mode and I feel better from the hot angry feelings, if schizophrenic I would've been burning in pain and lying on bed stucked/catatonic from her voices and only can hear voices of hers, I'm so bad luck, I hope this ends soon.

Her voices pretending as R, Epul, Crow Yuzree etc. is tiring me from the anger I feel, I just hope I can sleep, but I can only sit down now, usually schizophrenic I would lie down then suddenly sat up from bed, it would be sudden like an electric shock I remember the past from her voices, it's so much anger that I can't even lie down softly, like needing to get her(this revenge feelings) to feel satisfied and at peace. It's hard to believe she talks a lot when she's her crazy mood, she looks like a soft girl as fact, I think only my family and neighbours saw her attitude/personality and I wonder why it's a secret, if she goes viral would be funny but I wouldn't do that I guess, I can only remember I can make fun of her as she thinks she's Jesus Christina as full name, sometimes she can turn into an Islamic mode and talk about Islam a lot. I really dont know how to make the voices go.

I'm a person suffering from schizophrenia that my memories comes back in the form of voices itself, I'm so unlucky it's only called "schizophrenia", so there's no catatonia and anhedonia medicine for me but I read lorazepam is for catatonia and fluoxetine for anhedonia, it still don't work for me I just will request oral medication on 31st August I think, I hope counsellor exist to help me request such medicine to doctor, I'm so sick of feeling fear of questions, I'm so bad luck like feeling angry in secret many times of my life. Angry is a bad feeling in heart, people can die from heart attack due to anger or shock, then Alysha definitely attacked my heart a lot in the past, I'm so unlucky to meet her in my life journey. Nothing can reverse this she needs to pay 1 day.

Reminded of stuff

It's boring I can't joke with Wahdiah and Shahridah like doctor saying I am Potential 2nd Top Mastermind ranked after Dajjal(being the first), then I would have lied to them both that I'm secretly a Mastermind and would they report me to the police, hahahaha. It's so fierce doctor said of me like that, that if I become a mastermind I would enter prison for at least 2 years, but still become a Wali Allah.

I can't scare them when they're not around, but it made me proud of having such intelligence to be strong like Dajjal it means I will be a good manpower to Imam Mahdi, I really wonder what Law thinks of believers of Islam that want to work for Imam Mahdi, why they don't make it clear like telling Islam to just wait for Imam Mahdi then the world will be more peaceful?

Nowadays the terrorism is not clear in the world like only war stories is Israel and Hezbollah, it's really cool as it's more peaceful, but what's weird is theres no viral about criminal mind like gays named as "Muhammad" to change their names, people should protest that they change their names and it should become viral like making their image bad, but it didn't work like that in the media, they are so lucky about it.

I'm thinking what to do in life, I know I should be completing games on my handheld console but I haven't done it, I just want to see what the stages looked like and just to experience them in life at least once because I have missed gaming kind of life for over 10 years. I hope someone accompany me with their handheld to play Netplay and RetroArch with me, I then hope Alan Wong contact me again for his Steam powered so he can play handheld with me outside 1 day, it's just too boring my life I just want to have a life then I lose people because of schizophrenia, then doctor didn't help me get them back, I thought he gave me the account so I changed password and email then it became like this instead, it's really sad my life really gaining nothing like losing someone to play games together with me instead, I have no one already in my life.

I remember about doctor saying maybe I will buy a Pokemon Mew nametag for $10 to display at my bag, then I really don't know if it will happen, it's really just why I'm like a kid when I'm turning 38 years old already, I don't believe people are so heartless to let me live on like this and they don't get me the girl that I love or want, I really feel like just getting a random girl and make babies. I just want my Old Town White Coffee with a good book every morning to read everyday instead of every weekend, I want such life like a soldier retiring and an educated man resting already as have earned a lot in life to retire. Retiring age is 60+ then I'm still struggling to earn a lot when people like me have been working ever since N.S days and earning a lot, I suffer instead and became a poor man, it's sad how people just don't support or guide me in life, the only guide I receive is to stop smoking, but then if it's like that when will I receive a guide to start studying early for my O levels? I really need someone to help me feel the energy together but there's no one, people really don't mind if I fail because I'm schizophrenic, I think I will get a normal pass instead of high scores, it's really sad nobody siding me to have a nicer life for me to feel. I experience as a poor man heartlessly even at this age, people are just being normal to me like not asking me if I hear voices, they let me live life hearing voices and struggle to work and earn money, then I anticipate them asking me to work and solat, it's really sad I'm so useless.

I wrote in HOPES again hoping that doctors or counsellors in I.M.H would give me a free help or counselling about my anhedonia and study-plans, I really have no one, it will definitely lead to become suicidal if I don't recover at 38 or 29th June, my only life vision is planning a suicide that date onwards, I already felt like life as not a reality that I'm 38 years old then "nobody cares", people really treated me like they don't care instead that I'm old and let me not having the girl that I love. They are heartless.

I'm so dead meat it's so hard to explain what they're doing to me, it's just a lot of anger sometimes then I can't do anything because the sadness are not like real feelings, then I end up writing anyway, fluoxetine really decreases sadness anyway. Anhedonia suffering not pitied by anyone to give me more pleasures in life, they just let me live on with nothing or the same experience that I become like someone independent instead. I hope people do initiative like getting me money from support groups like MSF etc. but nobody write to them for me to receive a free counsellor even, I'm dead meat my life people feeling my life as fine and okay when I'm suffering most of the time.

Day 306 out of ward(354 on medications)

Having my usual day taking medications, then I go down to buy redbull and 1 roll of 2 paper length cigarette. It was a fast day I felt better after some puff, I really sad how I'm a smoker sometimes it's really a tough life experience being like this, I don't want to be a stupid person at the same time, I hope counsellor just help me anyway even if I still smoke(if I don't successfully quit) because I want a good date to start studying early for my O levels next year.

The Pokemon biz don't look like too many kids, it's his own children making the place like have a lot of kids, means he have a lot of children lol. I wonder when people will hang around to play retro games, it's really bad my life experience waiting for something then anhedonia really killed my happiness, I'm so dead from the bad feelings and I really just need to enjoy myself somehow.

I saw on Thread that Dina is searching for a job, it would be nice if Alysha paid her back the money for the bullying she done to Dina when Dina was a toddler, I really hate how someone live their life normally when the person they owe living a difficult life of searching for money.

I just have 11 more days to be on medications for 1 year and 3 more days to be my birthday, tomorrow is Shahridah's birthday, she's finally 33 years old. I think birthday wish to just write tomorrow.

I kept thinking why my writings always the same like Zoe Lim always telling that she hate her parents and she's obsessed(in love) with a person, it feels like schizophrenia is like a bipolar disorder always repeating the same story for so many months or days, it's really crazy that people let us live like this.

I remembered last year I bought for my mother cashbox then I relapsed and throw it away saying that she's evil so cannot buy for me stuff. Alysha is the one that created my thinking like that and I threw the cashbox away then gave her back her money. I thought she's Japanese pretending as Malay or a Jew pretending as Muslim, as I'm reminded of world war days in Singapore I thought it's still World War. I thought people cycle in car as engine and people all knew the MRT is all cycled by people instead of an engine like have a compartment to take the cycling part out when I don't look. I feel special how I don't need to cycle when riding the MRT. Schizophrenia really makes reality a different view and story and will seem like a liar or just someone crazy, I wonder why so many years yet my parents dont fear if I go to work and mess my myself at work, they are anticipated to demand me to work and solat which makes me bingit/angry in my mind/heart then causes imbalance and writing something on repeat many times.

Anyway the Pokemon biz at shop of my place opens at 12p.m everyday except weekends at 10.30a.m, it's really a happy feeling that something new at shop and people visiting for a different reason then seeing the shop having more business, it looks cool like I feel success in many of my living areas and happy for it if they are successful.

I wonder when elevator will open as I peek and it looks completed. I just want a different feelings of life then I want it to happen sooner.

That's all my writing for today like a special moment because tomorrow is Shahridah's birthday, I hope she still remembers me.

Slept awhile

Just wondering why I feel like writing a lot more lately, it's like messes my blog but I think I got no real attention anyway, so it's okay to spam my blog posts.

Tonight I feel like playing games on my handheld console, and yesterday I tried some more on searching for gamers to play together, there's still no response on my Facebook or Thread, it's really a boring life journey.

Everytime I wrote the same matter and I think people are not really reading is why I still have viewers. It's midnight now so I don't know how many people I will get to view my blog. I think all the readers comes from Facebook.

I haven't tested to download a lot of games for my handheld console in order to buy the 2TB I need to be able to download first.

I read that I need to use download manager in order to download the big files, I hope I can try tomorrow.

There's no dreams that happen just now or I forgot about it, I still check on Wahdiah then saw her achievement talking on Vimeo, wonder why I'm a useless guy then she have achieved so high in life, maybe I'm not meant for her after all.

It's night of 15th June

It's a rainy day nowadays, then it's month if June not even December, I feel happy how can feel like cosy feelings a little bit due to the sofa have selimut as cover to sit on, I really hope my recovery happens faster.

I downloaded the HOPES application of I.M.H into my phone, and wrote a journal telling of anhedonia, I hope doctors read and just give me the medicine on 31st August, it's really a tough feeling anhedonia for almost 1 year already, doctor should just give me a medicine for it.

Lately I write a lot and smoke so little, I wonder why my feelings are like this, I really feel weird how smoking little can make me write a lot. I ever thought of studying early for O level then it didn't happen in June sadly, I really clueless of my path in life, maybe I should just get a pass for O level and do a Diploma in Mental Health? I really want something like that, maybe I will skip A level and do just this? If I score high I will then do A level, now the chances of becoming smarter in mental health are a lot more.

I no longer feel like I will pass with flying colours, maybe because I just feel I'm back into a stupid person again, I have no energy to study like the past, it's really weird my energy was wanting to buy desk even and chair to study, then it didnt happen again, luckily I saved my money though.

It's just going to be a short writing as I'm also unhappy how at night time sometimes like a relapse if I write will become odd pleasures the next day, or temporary pleasure only, it's really hard my life but I have to endure this.

When I will have a life?

Studying should be life for me, but I wonder when it will be? It's so much suffering from unknown reason but to believe it's cigarette, my brother survived for so many years on cigarette, it's definitely just anhedonia, schizophrenia or catatonia.

I thought I would quit smoking by the time Pokemon shop opens, but then I still can't and miss the early morning cigarettes moment, I really tried my best and it's always the same craving to continue, I don't know but it seems like smokers don't help me at all and maybe wanting me to quit cigarette again/too, the cause of no help simply like that as reason.

I'm thinking how to get a job, I can only think like instant jobs then I deleted all jobs applications due to anger of not getting a good job, I really can't do anything about it, I remembered about me working ntuc fairprice restocker then I quit in just 2 hours, it's really bad my life experience, I can't even do a proper job, even with high scores in N level I did not score well in the end because of Alysha, then I gave up just like that. I just have to endure until 29th June hoping the medication cured me by then, it's really a long life journey to think about, it's really scary seeing how long my neighbours been taking medicine(more than 10 years) and still haven't recover, reminds me of myself I kept skipping medicine it makes like I save more money because of skipping medicine, just that I won't be cured.

43 years old will be the real expected recovery date I think, or else I maybe will be like my neighbours it looks like entire lifetime on medication, I wonder why it's not 5 years for them, I really need to see a cured schizophrenic to feel happy that I will recover too.

Hearing voices became a normal thing for me, I kept hearing at fan, wind blows, shouts of kids becoming the sentences that I hear instead like my name being shouted, I will assume it's hearing voices and don't turn/check most of the time when I heard my name. It's really weird the schizophrenia, they don't supply me friends to talk too, and let me either be working or staying at home on medications. If June I won't work, what am I going to do? If July I still don't work? Where will I get the $5K savings energy then? I remember that's what doctor said, 1 reason I believed doctor is because he said the Supreme Leader of Iran will die on U.S/Israel's 2nd attack then he really died.

At that time I thought it's going to be world war, like Russia will be attacked by U.S due to too much commenting on Donald Trump, then it didn't happen, the peace deal looks going to happen, if it's not going to war I have no reason to connect with Sakinah and our life remains the same, world war supposed to be chaotic, then she's going to be busy working(but luckily time spent on jobs) instead, I really can't have a reason to talk to Sakinah.

I was thinking why I love her and it felt like the reality is different, I wonder why my vision is like this "and it is reality" of me living my life, it's shocking/surprising how I'm turning 38 years old without $10K because due to mouth of Alysha I thought I would be rich and be surviving my entire life with government's money after getting huge sum, Alysha is such a bitch in my eyes, she's a criminal that haven't repent and law judge me as a smoker to not help me get money from her maybe, it's impossible my kind of writing doesn't attract attention of any law people, this is bad for me. No one going to help me get Dina to live a happier richer life, they all living their life like that forgetting Alysha's doing, I wonder when my parents will sue her, it's just taking so long time. Why she haven't break up with her boyfriend too? It's really bad my life experience and I have to go through getting nothing and experience poor life after so much pain? Its double pain for a long duration.

I think nobody takes me seriously and feel like helping me anyway, everyone living their own life and probably redirected into blaming me instead, schizophrenia is the reason for my bad feelings and experience but nobody help to increase pleasure in my life except my brother's $1000. It's really crazy my life.

Tried gaming

Tried PSP game Assassin's Creed then it's really boring feeling, I don't feel the fun at all playing the game, anhedonia really killed my happiness, I really can't do anything about it, I wonder why it's like that the feelings just gone, 31st August going to request doctor for oral type of medications then anhedonia will be gone forever I think, wonder why it's taking so long for something like this, I really don't want to suffer from paliperidone injection but I'm just unlucky it still happens, for 1 year I experience anhedonia(a loss of pleasure), then nobody cares I feel something so little in life, it's really bad life experience or journey.

I'm confused about what to do in life, I thought of downloading PS2 games to play on my RG477V but it's like a boring feeling anyway, I really don't know what I can do about having this feeling.

I give up on Club Heal, assuming they won't help anyway, they didn't even try to tell me to quit smoking then they will help, maybe it would be a repeat, then how am I going to study for my O level, I have no guide, they really letting me grow to August without studying anything at all?

Just now I hear my mother talk saying to go Mr. Uncle for my birthday, finally it's something new again, I really hope my sisters present me like money or something, I just want to feel having more or having enough in life, it's just too bad the feelings, I just want 29th June despite my birthday being 19th June as it's the usual warded day that won't happen anymore. I feel like a hard feelings in my head, I'm also upset how I hear like Club Heal is the best counsellor, then it means I can't try for other counsellors to help me, then I can't receive their service because I smoke, I wonder why they don't try to calculate that I quit smoking slowly and help me first anyway, it's really bad this waiting for pleasure or health, I really feel nothing in my life due to anhedonia, everything bores me quickly then I will feel sad feelings being blocked probably by fluoxetine, then it became angry feelings instead, I think I need an angry medicine then I will feel fine.

I thought R would meet me when Pokemon shop opens then it's just the same like any normal day, it's not like I can really do anything anyway, I would probably waste her time and money if she spend time with me, anhedonia really got my life, I need to sue Alysha 1 day but no law ask me about her, it's like they rather let me be feeling like this than earning/getting money for cigarette. It's really harsh my life experience. Everyday is the same "it's really bad, harsh, sad" I can't do anything about feeling like this repetitively, I feel like I've been blocked from feeling happy too.

Just now at Pokemon shop there's no customers then it's a boring day just like that, I wonder why nobody gathers it's just a weird day, I think when they have competition then the start of people gathering there, I heard they will make a competition there.

I wonder what to do in life, anhedonia is real pain in life then people really let me suffer for 1 year, it's really sad I can't do anything and feeling helpless.

Tick Tock 38 Years Old.

I wonder what to do on my birthday, maybe my mother would bring to Mr. Uncle for food, my recovery age like nothing special, I don't know if I will grow to become a better man too by 39 years old, next year is a special year of studies, I really don't know what will happen to me, maybe I won't study anything early this year, maybe August, September, October, November, December I really won't be studying anything? What's my life becoming.

I have split up from my friends for so long, none of them visit me in case I remember bad stuff about Alysha, 38 years old is the only safe age? They all heed doctors' suggestion or just forgotten me? I hope some of them email Club Heal so I receive a counselling help, I just want a peaceful life thats all and it's so hard to achieve.

It's really loss of peace everytime I started writing again, I just feel uneasy in my heart then I worried of the boring days feelings at ward to happen again, I remember looking at the clock thinking "it's impossible they would be so bad to put me in ward for 1mths+, maybe it's just some minutes every hour", I thought I was on sleep gas many times then woke up from meth, then sleep gas, as they change the digital clock during the time of sleepgas, even medicine made me still feeling different in life, it's so hard my life journey.

If Club Heal is the best path, why am I feeling like I have a lot of accidents due to being against their ruling of "no smoking", cant someone get me someone to talk to my parents for a lighter life experience? It's boring dull daily and always the same. I really feel it's hard to survive this way, I need something to do in life.

Voices @ Fan

It's usually voices at fan, where there's like wind noise the voices will appear, means if like a blow wind at window, may have voices also, i will thought someone talking to the tone of wind, I remember schizophrenia as something weird to experience, I wonder when others will become schizophrenic too then understand me.

I'm also waiting for my friends to become Wali Allah as that's what doctor said that will happen to them, then I hope they help my love story to happen, hahaha. It's really bad my life experience with love ruined by Alysha like nothing, I even made a gap from meeting each other due to being overprotective of the girls, like split-up as something okay as long as not a break-up, then there's no communication for more than 10 years, it's really sad my life experience, I may get heartache easily due to believing Alysha's lies all over again and it's neverending feeling, I wonder when my life going to be easier like receiving Alysha's penalties and get for Dina her penalty money, I don't see people taking this seriously then I think I need to think of a Lawyer to sue Alysha, then I wonder how much it will be because I don't like how Alysha living a peaceful life, I'm just not satisfied with her experience like even if police appear at her hostel, she is still at peace to study, nothing breaks her energy to finish her university and it's unfair someone like her passing a degree, means I want to drop her education to a normal certificate like A level as something enough already, lol. Then I have 2 years to chase back, but then counsellors maybe not siding me at all, then it looks okay the corruption of how a degree person get a good salary after given chances by neighbours, then didn't pay back anything for so long, I don't think anyone cares as it's been almost 1 year on medication and nobody try to get me a good life back.

It's sad how people just let my life finish just like that. I have 5.5 months to go before my O level, then seeing R everyday maybe during my O level, then it's really sad how my life growth into nothing, thinking 2027 as something studying period, and I didn't study anything in 2026, I think everyone is fine about it and don't really care if I achieve anything at all. It just made me want to leave my parents forever if I become a successful person. It's been too many years to be patient, I wonder what TikTok can do for me like if I will get free counselling from people, I really don't want a life like a laughing stock or became a popularity like naked girls like Nadia Fazlynn, Tammy N.Y.P etc. suddenly no life, I wonder what kind of attention and help I will get if I do the advertisement then play RG477V as my Live stream, it's better than having no life at all I think.

https://www.google.com/search?q=free+counselling+singapore&oq=free+counselling&gs_lcrp=EgZjaHJvbWUqBwgAEAAYgAQyBwgAEAAYgAQyBggBEEUYOTIHCAIQABiABDIHCAMQABiABDIHCAQQABiABDIHCAUQABiABDIHCAYQABiABDIHCAcQABiABDIHCAgQABiABDIHCAkQABiABDIHCAoQABiABDIHCAsQABiABDIHCAwQABiABDIHCA0QABiABDIHCA4QABiABNIBCDI1MTVqMGo3qAIUsAIB8QWjOvtAmJhnFg&client=ms-android-vivo-rvo2&sourceid=chrome-mobile&ie=UTF-8#ebo=0

I searched at google and there's a lot as fact, I wonder which to approach as I think I'm helpless already, as I don't want to beg or ask from ease from this torturous feeling. They all definitely feel I have enough as long as I don't smoke, it's really sad my smoking habits can't be supported and I became a useless man like "nak rokok cari kerje beli sendiri", I really became a bad man in the sense that I can't live easily without a cigarette and feel that my family should support anyway and it's my problem if I short of money to buy cigarette, then I can't lose the negative feelings that "no one will help", it's just too bad for me experiencing a bad life for real. Don't know why it's like this, life can be better but anhedonia + all these really made me feel useless, everytime it's 7p.m I feel like it's already time to sleep then the next day is another cycle of waiting at sofa. I really became someone tak gune, then my family don't help change it by letting me go out saving my money to see the world outside, people probably working then I'm the same useless life. When I think again it's maybe okay because I can focus on medications, then no one cares my goal if like that because I smoke will want more money, I feel demoralized in the past then it's like happening again the lazy feeling to score high in O level, just because no one is supportive. I'm just dead meat my life. Full of wishes and a useless person judged as lazy instead of schizophrenic. It's so bad my life as a poor guy, I'm definitely not getting any girls at all. I'm just dead life with false happiness of fluoxetine.

Just 4 more days my birthday!

Wow it's so close, I remember last year my birthday I didn't celebrate with my family to Mr. Uncle, I think it's like a new spot for celebration ever since I schizophrenia they have new plans.

I just rubbed my eyes a bit and I saw a toddler with baby clothes sitting and smiling at me, it's white skin like an American, I wonder what it means or why my eyes vision something like this, I love babies ever since I was young when my mother used to care for my nephew Jafni that's 8 years younger than me, it was a pleasure to have babies or toddlers in my life then my schizophrenia made me distant from them(Jafni and Dina) at that time I suddenly not close to them, it's weird the difference really happens.

It's hard my life experience now I'm turning 38 and nobody move to Sakinah for a kind of wish-granting me, she live on working as a banker and without me her life looks strong already, it's really sad how I'm unimportant to her like she didn't update me what she do on her weekends then I really want to read her journal or diary if she have any, it's really sad like I don't have anything to get her, there's no rich feelings to experience like using money to get her, it's just im a poor guy with feelings for her then wanting her as my wife. Then Shahridah and Wahdiah didn't appear to heal me up too, maybe my schizophrenia really won our relationship and Alysha won both of us, it's really sad I have to suffer alone, while they are strong alone, and kept getting stronger as they work getting to collect their salary every month for years, I'm left behind as a poor guy wanting love and missing them. I dreamt of Shahridah a lot during my schizophrenia that it feels like I haven't broken-up with her, it's really bad feeling something all alone by myself, they don't remind me stuff, maybe because if too much reminder can lead into a coma, but they didnt try to attract me again at all, it's really sad my life far away from my loved ones due to schizophrenia and Alysha ruined 2 relationships and 3 or 4 chances away from me, it's so sad my life experience.

I feel like playing metal slug 2 and stream on TikTok with request for a free counsellor, it's so boring my life, I hope Club Heal create a game corner for me to play games too, it's really bad my life if I have no one, and anhedonia really won me that it's been 1 year feeling dull most of the time with a fake happiness from fluoxetine, it's really a sad journey or path. I'm still excited that my age of recovery is close, then I have another 1 year of countdown to calculate to know my happiness that will happen within 38-39 years old of my life, I'm truly waiting for the happy moments or life-changing moments in my life, it's really an angry life path to go through as my schizophrenic neighbours haven't recover, I feel worried I will take more than 10 years like them too, I wonder what makes them late in recovery, during my schizophrenic days, I thought both of them going to become assistant nurse or nurse in I.M.H ward 35A, because my doctor employ them, they somehow will become a good health then Dina will also work at I.M.H as my vision during my schizophrenic days that I take medications.

I wonder when such thing will ever happen, will I apply for soldier job this year as it's too dull and boring my life experience? Will I get a police job as an admin to undercover as a gangster or druglord? Is it a delusion or something real? Will I be living my life already on the 19th June onwards? Will it be August or October that I will start studying for my O level?

Hmm..

Right now I am cooking white rice to eat with paru sambal goreng, the addiction is crazy like the best pleasure in life, it's like my 2nd sister's cooking, I thought I was made to eat liquor or beer mixture even, her cooking is so nice. I remember the days of my 2nd sister's ex-husband have a lot of cooking moments to taste different pleasures of food, then the moments gone as the ex-husband just marry another person and have Dina's half-siblings, the happy days really gone just like nothing. It's really weird.

My mother playing games for the first time is see something like this, it's really a pleasure to see like games can be part of family's lifestyle, but it could be just a temporary thing in life, maybe if I buy R36S then can play with my mother but she probably don't like playing games and I have anhedonia anyway, I wonder why it's like that.

It feels like a repeat of life experience, it's like this ever happened before last year, I really don't know but my family are treating me like a repeat activities every time, doing the same thing over and over again due to my memory loss, maybe it's a kind of recovery treatment I don't know. The funny thing is even animals do the same thing over and over again, a repeat experience by animals like lizards, that do things on repeat like I believed about "Suntricity" create an action of a soul the same during the amount of heat received to body, it's like that, I used to believe the word "Suntricity" created by me to describe a repeat occurrence in life experiences, like knowing what will happen "again" because the heat is the same. It's really believable like a memory impact or dejavu, I really don't know why it's like that too.

Day 305 out of ward(353 on medications)

Today woke up at 8.15a.m like that to take medicine, late abit about medicine but if at ward I think it's not late at all 8.30a.m the medicine last timing before breakfast.

I keep seeing like maybe hallucination of seeing things because of lack of cigarette, but just being hopeful Club Heal reads and will help me I really just have to stop smoking this time as it's new Pokemon biz at shop anyway, to feel life like a lot of new things happening and a new life.

There's an estimation like a help from Club Heal counsellor but something I'm not sure about like "if psychic will really be helpful", so I really don't know if counsellor will appear and help me out, just remaining clueless about things or the way they help people.

It's really heavy morning I really don't know what I wrote if it's confusing or not, just updating my life on blog that's all.

Confusion

Don't know why even if I'm schizophrenic, I'm treated like someone capable to work, doctor knowing the date or day I would start working well still didn't tell them I cant work, even promote to try that I work from jobclub, it's really bad the doctors as psychic but didn't let me feel lesser demands in life, it's just too complicated my life experience with people.

My friends don't pity how I have schizophrenia and I have to wait for birthday to see the truth about it, I really don't know what to do, I'm so lonely and everyday just living my life the same, anhedonia really killed my plan to play games everyday, I play not much more like testing the games instead, it's too much waiting this life I have, I wonder why it's so heavy I really want to have someone to accompany me, then I feel like buying R36S for my brother or nephew but my nephew is PSLE this year, it's really hard, I still believe he can pass even if he fail, because I used to fail a lot during primary school then suddenly I'm still express stream, I really think he can do well in exam.

Din, Sadiq or Razli no longer in my life, I have no one to ask along to play handheld consoles with me, it's so boring my life, I would tell them I have anhedonia then they maybe feel awkward after that, like I feel bad while they can enjoy, they definitely don't feel like playing games afterwards. We're all so old already then I still living my life without anyone, theyre updated maybe by doctors then I'm not updated anything about them, I wonder why they just rely on doctors' answers instead of trying to contact me, maybe they gave up about my schizophrenia winning my belief then I would get heartache most of the time, maybe Alysha just got lucky that all men's whisper voice can be created like all the same voice, I'm so unlucky I know Alysha in my life, I hope someone reverse something in my life and give me the moments I wouldve been able to experience if she don't exist, I'm deeply saddened by my loss of pleasures in life.

The sambal goreng paru really still addictive to me, I somehow control myself from eating too much about the food "makanan Dari syurga", it's really like a reality, I feel like my family should make a food business because of this, then my nenek can get her ayam masak merah for sale, it would definitely be nice.

I feel like I should learn cooking from them both, then make my nenek Tampines version of goreng pisang, then cook and sell at Club Heal, maybe if they give me such thing to do, I really want to earn but it's bad like earning from mentally sick people who also needs money, but pleasure is the point in living our life of having mental sickness anyway, I really don't understand why people can be so lokek, when I calculate $4.30/$4.20 for storm king every 2 days, it's less than $100 for 1 month, then it's maybe like 1 day of their salary yet they let me survive on government's money, my reason to try quitting is hard but it's to have Club Heal counsellor to help me, I don't know why they need this stop smoking kind of rule, it's really bad if I imagine "1 week then help", I really want a faster help even during duration of waiting or expecting help from Club Heal. Maybe Club Heal should recommend me other groups that exist that I can go to first? I really don't know, it's just too tough my life, but the point is it's luckily Club Heal's ruling not the psycho of my bnss counsellor to Club Heal's counsellor. I just still need to endure everyday knowing nothing would change for 1 week at least, expecting a help like money flow but it's still definitely becoming "more than 1 week later". In 5 days is my birthday, then I still have to watch if I will have any friends appearing to make me feel the end of pain due to it being my recovery age, it's really sad enduring this.

I really can't think properly like who would buy drugs if already too poor, it makes like wanting drugs more as already too poor or having nothing for a long time at the same time, then where to buy drugs from? I'm so dead meat like no one help my mind at ease, I probably just need a laptop and like composition or essay level of writing daily to become "1 post per day" kind of life, my life become feeling better if I write more then if too much became to wonder who reads me then if my friends they can't appear due to Alysha's lies, may repeat into my mind, then they didn't try harder too, as maybe it will save their money without me, it's sad but I probably won't ask them for money anyway, I wonder why it's like this, friends are the only people that know difficulties of life if have no money, but then my family don't have such friends thats difficult in life to feel like helping me instead? It's really weird and harsh. I feel like I'm in trouble with their type of care been extended until I'm reaching 38 years old, I'm probably dead meat by 38 years old, only government's money to wait for.

Don't know what to do in life, they are serious on their method of caring me, there's no change and it makes me feel like I will suffer, my vision is only deadmeat kind of life for a long time if no counsellor helps, but then it looks true and real, like counsellor are my parents' decision instead, I feel no help at all even if they will claim they know I will quit smoking or attempt to quit smoking, they didn't try to help me even if it's a good try to quit smoking? I really don't understand it only reminds me of bnss counsellor, if have a cock like wanting me to suck her cock then help me out. She didn't help me anything at all, I'm so bad luck meeting a useless counsellor, but still I'm lucky I complete N level in BMC, she didn't remind me of my studies too, it's just too bad for me finding someone that sound helpful or like someone that can give me hope in life, then in the end useless shit as "back to parents' decision" all over again.

No friends (part 2)

Think I feel relieved like got to explain and describe the pain I'm feeling, it's maybe like Dina shouldn't be scolded when she was a baby after being bullied by Alysha even if they don't know she was bullied. I'm sad and disappointed how the rules of counsellor have criteria to stop smoking first when their advertisement didn't tell that, it's really harsh my life, I just feel ignored just like that. Maybe I will message club heal again next month, as I will be still outside of ward as I take medication daily(lucky me), it's so hard to take medication to accept own self as mentally weak or schizophrenic, then to believe old bnss counsellor is like bad because maybe she find me stupid, I didn't score well in bnss, only in B.M.C, maybe she didn't care at all because she thinks I'm stupid.

It's hard but it's been almost 1 year I accepted that I have hearing voices kind of problems in my life, I realize it continues for so long even if I'm on medication, it's really heavy my struggle, I wonder why no examples at Club Heal of those that have been cured from schizophrenia, i definitely want to be the first then, if I get to join Club Heal, if somehow they became nicer to me, if secretly would be better, my life is like requiring a rescue or s.o.s due to the worries and always hearing voices of Alysha commanding me to work and solat, then it's painful already to hear of it more is bad, then the one that gives me money before(my brother) will talk of jobs, I became having no one to talk to, I definitely start to distant away as I start to not believe again that someone in the family cares. My 1st sister too occupied in life already and she usually commanding type of person, definitely she won't help me about money.

I send my empty room to be seen at TikTok then nobody cares it's like nothing kind of life, people don't help me get a life at all, it's like people want to suggest me when to start studying instead of letting me study O level faster, then I became like this, it also means I hate my bnss counsellor for thinking I'm stupid as fact(that's what I think though), maybe she just finish me off easily as lazy to negotiate my parents to get me a laptop, if in the past I would have maybe more chances to get a girl instead of being single if got a laptop, if I am a richer life I would have gotten more girls to try my chance for a good relationship, then I'm left poor and just having the ones that's story of doctor in the past. I'm so bad luck my bnss counsellor is useless like Alysha, a version of care that suddenly commit to a parents' wish, maybe the only way to still look good "in her work", as if she done her job as she didn't negotiate a nicer life for me, I continued my life living in harshness for so many years with schizophrenia and pain in my life.

I hope to get more counsellors that 1 day someone will understand my version of story, it's useless my life I am turning 38 years old so late already in life then still need to write things to try reach out to someone to help me, it's really bad and cruel or flaw of people that "cares" about me, I really have no one. Doctor made me believe truly that "people of Dajjal" will appear to help me 1 day as the first person, it's really harsh, I need help or support first at least but nobody siding me in life, in fact I have no one to let out to, it's crazy a man expressing all this, then in the past Alysha created me to believe everyone are Jews/Japan/Egypt and they commanding me things, it's like creating me gay or shock like a man need to wear a skirt due to pain, like matter of manliness can be gone due to too much shocking pain. I just will countdown like 1 week if any help happens to me, then July 1st I will try email Club Heal again, or I don't know if will happen sooner too because I'm a kind of guy that usually do things faster than I should, so my plan if it's important I would just email anyway, I hope more people support me instead of not helping me then don't support also. It's really bad this suffering.

No friends

No one to tell me what games I should play, I'm only thinking of completing metal slug 2-6/7, it's really boring. Why is life like this, to have no friends to talk of games, why is it like this? What am I going to do in life as I have no one to help me about what games I should be playing? I have anhedonia and nobody pitied me, I have ended my continuous smoking habit I try today onwards with a last roll of 2 paper length with redbull, it's definitely the end of cigarette. R.I.P Smoking Habits, I just have to quit, leaving cigarette into lonely life forever until I am made to undercover somewhere then I will smoke again, I really hope I can become a police so I can sue Alysha, it's like childish but she ever bullied my niece anyway, I'm unhappy as long as she appear peaceful, her angry face shows she still dares to attack my life(last I saw her at elevator) then its just my luck like she never learnt her lesson, have to wait for her to grow to have money to payback what she had done. It's like a small boy putting real shit at doors of neighbours but when grow up, the small boy still need to pay something back to neighbour. Alysha is like someone that put shit into my life experiences(a lot of times).

I maybe will try to quit smoking and advertise myself on TikTok so someone read and get me a counsellor, but I don't want a popularity like a stupid laughing stock, it's scary to do it, I just have to think many times about it, I feel like doing RG477V stream then put "need a free counsellor to help my family with giving me money so I can buy stuff, I have schizophrenia and I'm mentally weak, I dont know but I know have flaw in their care" something like that. It should have changed during bnss counselling, but the counsellor never did anything but sided my parents instead, it's the most useless counsellor experience like can make us feel paranoid or scared to approach other counsellors "if will experience the same".

I grow up having Dina my niece as my life journey with schizophrenia, then seeing after Alysha's bullies, she get scolded by my mother(her grandmother) and her mother to cry some more made me angry of their way of caring, as I see the flaw. If bnss counsellor were nicer to me, maybe I would have managed to make them nicer to Dina, after crying from physical pain by Alysha, she cry from pain of heart(scolded by both her grandmother and mother), it's really a pity, the flaw in my father also exist like he give Alysha $10/day - if bnss counsellor had brains at that time and were more understanding, money shouldn't be a problem to help me get myself a laptop at home, it's been so many years ago and my life still suffer due to bnss counsellor, my parents don't reach a new understanding of "way of caring". I feel stupid by them when they command or demand something for me to do like Solat and Work, they don't pity I have schizophrenia is the weird part of my life. I just have to post this quickly before my next writing in hope that a counsellor reads and help me more as "I have explained more", sadly I need to explain instead of being believed, due to lousy bnss counsellor, I suffer at home with their way of caring for more than 20 years. Schizophrenia makes body feels hot anyway from anger and sadness etc. it's painful feeling then I think counsellor must settle this a.s.a.p before I reach duration of days "of quitting cigarette". I hope a counsellor helps me, or a police negotiator treat it like a family crime to be nicer to me, I just feel they can help ease my life if choose to side me. I'm so unlucky.

Remembered some stuff

I think the food of hari raya and hari raya haji are called as "makanan Dari syurga" because it's so delicious, I remember 1 time I was cured from anhedonia and got addicted to the taste, I thought liquor was inside the food as my heart began to feel good, it was crazy I felt cured for a while, then it's just a nice feeling. I wonder why anhedonia makes taste of food be decreased by % too, the deliciousness is different maybe, the time I ate it I was impacted into becoming too happy then suddenly I loss my memory, my 2nd sister's cooking is so nice and this sambal goreng with paru, daging and prawn is so delicious reminded me of the day I thought all makanan "Dari syurga" have some liquor mixed in, it's so nice but anhedonia really took the nice feelings away from me having to eat more then matches the % of flavour that other people feel. Especially the lies of Alysha that all my families and relatives are Jews, I thought all of them lokek liquor in the food at that time, it's really bad, I imagine Jews as rich people and have a lot of liquor storage secretly, it was tough being a schizophrenic then loving liquor then thought they are Jews that lokek and "not my family bloodline". Alysha is really crazy for making my mind this way, my family or relatives somehow didn't sue her it's so bad, they let me feel tortured by thinking of them having so many liquor storage somewhere.

I'm still confused why a schizophrenic should be the one demanding law to sue Alysha, why not the family or relative of the schizophrenic? Why need to demand if law knew it? Why is it like this? Even Dina was bullied I am a schizophrenic but then I am the one that complained instead, it's so unfair, good thing that Dina didn't experience trauma because she was so small, I'm disappointed at my 2nd sister's way of caring her because didn't report to police about it, as a police herself at that time, I'm shocked she let Alysha go easily and feel free to continue attacking me in different ways.

I thought schizophrenic are mentally weaker then law should just penalize her anyway then wait for us to request if she should be jailed, I however feel only counselling is enough because as the only one protecting Dina at that time, I am definitely disappointed of my 2nd sister and my mother, or father too. It's really bad, my brother was not around I think so he didn't know.

Then there's no letter of receiving money from Alysha even when I'm turning 38 soon, it's really bad, Law didn't help us(me and Dina). It's really weird their way of care, I thought my mother and 2nd sister witnessed Alysha's attacks but they treat that life will be normal as something okay instead. Dina should be living a rich life now by money of Alysha's penalties, but then she's still living life as per normal, it's so boring I didn't see any higher life except McDonald pancakes that Dina ate 1 time ago in the afternoon/night. I feel Dina should have more good food all the time by Alysha's money. Wonder why law didn't help a schizophrenic like me and Dina now 19 years old means she didn't get her money for like more than 10 years already? I remember when I was 15 I have $3000+ then it means Alysha should have money too at 15 years old. Then there's no help from my relatives they really let me judge Dina as "dah besar sekarang" instead of suing Alysha for her bad treatment to Dina. Law is really bad. MUIS maybe knew and didn't help too, it's so disappointing, I really need a counsellor thats more aggressive in winning for us our justice.

Life is no good this way, still struggle despite having money, thinking of August instead of peaceful day "of having money", imagine money may finish instead, it's really too much my family's and relatives' treatment is something wrong or having a flaw, but there's no help from Club Heal(I have sent my blog link) about it, like requiring more explanation instead. Is it true Club Heal is as useless as my bnss counsellor? The counsellor didn't negotiate anything to me at all, suddenly set the same rules of my parents when counsellor supposed to listen first, she just take the easier way to finish the conversation then I have to quit school anyway, but luckily BMC I got back my N level certificate, still disturbed by Alysha that my achievement is lower than it can be, it's so sad nobody sued Alysha. Crazy family and relative if they don't sue her I think, it makes Alysha believe they are Jews instead, what a bitch mouth and mind. Alysha believe her own lies and it's the weirdest schizophrenic I have ever seen. She will forget after every attack and thought she have psychic power that if she "psychic attack", she will lose her memory again. Crazy shit.

5 more days I'm 38 years old!

Even if there's no gift like any other year, this year is something special, it is my recovery age, the age I will be cured from schizophrenia, I'm excited of the end, I still hear voices at fan(now using another fan at sofa as the usual one kept switching off and need to switch on many times) then it's not really the end, in schizophrenia voices are something normal but usually schizophrenic deny of hearing voices as to avoid being looked at as a crazy person, we feel bad like don't like our diagnosis and how people usually will ask "what the voices say"? It's really boring and a lot then we can't do anything about it.

Right now the Pokemon Shop downstairs is being organized and there's nobody waiting at there, I hope the place will become more people and see someone play handheld games at there while waiting about Pokemon stuff, I think today is a special day as last year it didn't open, then it's going to be a happy day of the year, everyday the atmosphere at area will change from today onwards. It's going to be a different feeling, and something new in life.

I don't know but I don't feel like a collector's attitude yet, as my plan is to just buy for my future children to have Pokemon cards by the time they are bigger, I plan to collect all 151 species card or any special card that will appear. In future maybe to biz 151 cards all the way even.

It will be a fun collection if I will do it, but I have to be working full time first then I can do it, it's really tough life but I can't be spending on something like this yet, this year this month is something different like getting closer to the year that I will take O level, then suddenly my life will change. I wonder why quotes say to learn to be bored all the time, it's just painful feeling most of the time, it's just too boring and dull feelings.

Today is Sunday 14th June, really counting down to my happiest age hoping I would get a big sum of money from my parents, but even if it's like a fat hope thing, I hope doctor is true that it will be my happiest age. I really want the poor feelings to end and I no longer feel like I can get Sakinah if I need to effort more instead of she giving me a chance and just appear in my life, she's bad in decision I guess then I'm just bad luck in life. Maybe my love story is meant to be corrupted, ruined and spoiled like she will touch other men already, etc. it's really bad my imagination it can be a lot of scare to feel, then it's an angry feeling if I can't explain or describe it correctly, I think I'm going insane thinking of Sakinah, hoping if she die then nobody will touch her anyway, maybe this feeling will exist 1 day. I think I've become psycho in love as nobody talks about her they let my heart drag into feelings a lot of misses, worry, lovesick, pain, then it means they dont really care and just like entertainment of my perangai even if they are my relatives, they just want to see what I will become to have an entertaining story to tell people I think. It's really sad how my family and relative did not effort anything and I will lose the girl I love just like that.

Some bad things may still happen without anyone's knowledge and it's their fault for not putting in enough effort, they have let me grown until 38 years old for example for their selfish wish of wanting me to take medicines first, then if I don't take medicine until 45 years old, it means they won't help get any girl until 45 years old. I'm sad, disappointed and feel in pain but there's no counsellors that will help me, they let me grow until 38 years old too, the age I feel already too late because it's 2 years to 40.

There's nothing special to buy at Pokemon shop downstairs as the seller organizing the items, I wanted to feel like a lot of difference like many people gather and start playing retro games with me instead, then there's no gathering and it's boring if it's only small kids appearing there.

Life's really the same after all. I want a new energy of life and I don't have it at all.

Day 304 out of ward(352 on medications)

Happy day today, 10.30a.m is new Pokemon Biz at shop of my living area, it's like an energy to study hard and reminded me about doctor saying during my O level I will have Pokemon cards in my bag. I really hope doctor is psychic like telling me when I will start working instead of letting my parents demand/request me to work, I still hear voices of Alysha telling me to work, it's really bad and tiring for my head/mind.

Today I take medicine as usual and all were watching World Cup except me, Brazil vs Morocco 1-1. It's because I didn't play if not I scored like 2-1 for Brazil, hahaha. Being at this age I still blog and still feel like childish but that's the only thing that kills my boredom, I blog like every 3 hours per day because of free time being like that, I think even if I'm becoming a useless guy, I'm still having to live my life anyway and still have to endure the phase of my life when Sakinah is really gone from my life forever, along with other girls. It's really bad my schizophrenia I hope they just help me instead of being childish. It's really heavy my life journey.

Today the shop is closed before 10.30a.m so I will go down again at 10.30a.m to check the shop, I hope it will open to buy drinks too.

I think I'm following my parents to go Al-Ameen. Sayonara alligator.

Wondering I will work as what

It's already mid June, I still have yet to got myself a job.

Im tired with all the stories I remember like saving $5K this year etc. I really look like I can't be earning that much anymore, it looks like I'm going to have nothing until end of this year, then suddenly pocket money from school to save up and have a life again, it's really bad at this age then savings only pocket money, I really feel bad like a useless person, my strength is only like this and it promotes me to look like I'm lazy too, in so bad luck in life.

I wonder if doctor is true like he said Supreme Leader of Iran will die, then this year he really died, then what about $5K savings where will I get it from? What work will I do as? Why it's not June, if it's July how can I even have $5K? It's really weird this life journey in surviving by writing a blog for my heart to feel better and that's all.

Finally Pokemon Day Tomorrow

I remembered about last year it was supposed to happen then they cancelled the business, I wonder if it's going to happen the same way, tomorrow I'm going Live to tell about Pokemon Cards I think, hahaha. I also feel like playing RG477V Live.

Tomorrow I plan to see if there's anyone else playing handheld consoles, planning to make friends, this was my plan last year then I didn't buy any handheld consoles, I remember doctor saying I will bad luck if carry it as 1 boy will steal from me I think, so I'm not carrying it with me tomorrow.

I don't think I will ever talk Live, my teeths are not nice, have hole, hahahaha. I just plan to stream playing RG477V, but most probably people will spam "illegal" etc. I wonder what to do in life to gain viewers so people spread about me needing a counsellor then I happen to get a good counsellor for free, hahahaha.

I really don't know what to do, I feel like doing something different tomorrow onwards because the shop started to look different, the elevator looks done but haven't open yet, then there will be renovation happening in my house about new toilets, door and gate, everything will be new then my life must feel new too, I really hoping I quit cigarette tomorrow onwards, it's definitely ending 1 day about the criteria of "everything new" maybe include the new elevator to open first, I really don't know, I just feel like quitting cigarettes.

It's more than 12 hours of not smoking daily, then I think I should continue this way, I think somehow 1 day I will quit smoking and start learning Iqra again, I really don't know when I can start reading the Quran it seems impossible that it will happen, but I remember like 39 years old is a confirmed age that I will know how to read Quran, I can't wait.

New life, new soul, new art at shop and elevator area, I want a new girlfriend too hahahahaha. I have nobody my life, it's just uneasy feelings that nobody actually will be around to comfort me or nobody actually pitied me at all. It's weird my life experience. I'm sad like crazy.

Berangan or Reality?

Angan-angan habis rasa siksa on 19th June sebab kawan pernah Kate nak bagi computer, susah nak percaya tapi orang dah cakap gitu jadi mengharap penghabisan rasa bingit sebab boring life.

Tak tahu hidup hari-hari sama tak bermakna, sakit schizophrenia tanpa orang kasihan condition diri kita.

Don't know why others are fine with the way I live maybe the other schizophrenic neighbours have nothing to complain in life, then I'm probably the same treatment like girls, girls usually don't spend so much in life but my parents probably treating me like a girl, I'm sad at my life's normal living made to be difficult most of the time, nobody cares it's always the same and boring life daily. Anhedonia killed the pleasure and I feel bingit most of the time, the anger from writing in Malay makes me more bingit as it's funny during a serious moment. I think it will be another countdown of 1 year on medications to see what will change in my life.

I don't feel pleasure like a fun happiness due to paliperidone I think, then nobody cares about it, it's really weird and sad my life people let me anhedonia everyday for almost 1 year, even if many have suicide from schizophrenia could be because of anhedonia, rasa diri macam orang cacat takde orang tolong.

Their strictness about cigarette makes a person childish creating more anger in heart as it reminds of past life that doesn't create happiness, it's a lot of life moments loss but don't know why my parents let "friends" giving money kind of story to happen instead of them giving money. I don't know what to do everyday at sofa and I have no children even at this age, which is stupid kind of life as have nobody to care, being old and useless is the image my family created on me by them. Anywhere will maybe become boring when go out then I have nowhere to go already, staying at home is a lot of anger if hear voices of Alysha dont know why it live so long. Forever their treatment expected to be this way then I probably will masturbate imagining Wahdiah's sister due to anger but no one cares, or Shahridah's cousin, I think the dead meat life is going to happen anyway because as lovers they don't reach and support, any invisible way of helping doesn't comfort the heart that "someone is helping", means I receive no help from the 2 of them at all. They let me suffer my schizophrenia alone.

Crazy life the end of relationship because of "too long" more than 15 years being apart, without knowledge whether I have done so or not, they are definitely clueless while R feeling I will get them/Sakinah 1 day. It's really weird belief, believing doesn't help because doesn't confirm anything and Sakinah ever tunang with Iman anyway, my life on repeats then Sakinah just doing her boring life daily at work instead. Don't know what someone like her earning money for but it's still better than she spending time with other men.

I think 1 day in the end I will masturbate thinking of sex with Sakinah's mother then it means I will imagine sex with 2 females from the same family then ruining my future if none of them believe me I have done it(if I do it), then I will ask questions like "who will enter heaven/hell" while they have believed memorizing Asma-ul-Husna makes me enter heaven, then it means I won't meet either Sakinah or her mother anyway in Heaven, it doesn't matter like the story of Grandfather raping his own grandchild, definitely both won't enter Heaven by common sense.

I hope Sakinah treat me seriously as I think I will become insane anyway 1 day like I have ever attempted suicide and doctor give me a medicine starts with letter "c" to create the loss of feelings of commiting suicide, it means I will do something like what I have said instead of threatening I will do it without warning just to feel the end of love story chances with her. It's like if Sakinah married I will do it, then she hid her profile making me not know if she's married or not to do it. I can still wait for Sakinah's niece to become 16 years old to do something like that at the same time, so I'm not a paedophile. It's easy to not see people in heaven than it's hard to enter heaven. I think I will just do it anyway around 41 years old.

I will block doctor's truth of "I will be marrying 4 girls" by masturbating to their cousin/mother/sister, or just marry them and have a child, like dajjal. I think Dajjal people should appear to help me and offer me help but they don't appear, I remember doctor saying 1 day Dajjal people will be the first to appear to help me it means all of my friends/families won't help me at all. The only help I will feel from is from the people of Dajjal because they know what I want and need. This causes no one to help me and only have to rely or believe of birthday presents. Means the appearance of Imam Mahdi is near anyway and what's funny doctor ever said I will be right hand of Imam Mahdi then my attitude or character is like this, I wonder if I will block more truth of doctors. It's easy to block just by having child with any of them since nobody cares I'm a lonely life. I can even try to have a child with a prostitute then ruin my family's perfection as they decided to be not perfect as something perfect and okay, 1 day I will think hard and I think it's going to be 38 years old onwards I will plan of ending my life if 39 years old I'm still not happiest at 38 years old, it's okay to be crazy I have memorized Asma-ul-Husna remembering all names of Allah.

Biz Life Conversation

The Pokemon cards that will start being sold at shop reminds me of past conversation with Naim saying that I can sell his friends Anbernic Handheld Console R36S I think for $50 then I will have friends wanting to play RetroArch/Netplay games together. My nephews are so lucky how they have each other to play their Anbernic games. I think the start of Portable Ashtray business will also happen during that time as said by doctor, I wonder when because if it's O level next year, I probably won't be in touch with anyone(but I don't know life may change) during that time, it's just like a boring life journey to only have fun in studying and scoring high.

This year there's no conversation about next year then I imagine maybe year 2029 like that then I will start biz of Anbernic R36S creating a lot of players to play together outside. It's just a life thing to do then I remembered about ROG Ally X etc. I think doctor just messing with my mind about me getting 1 from gift of people, actually laptop would've made me happy too so I can be using computer like my brother in his room, it's a boring life experience daily then now its 12.19p.m just waiting for the next day to be closer to my 19th June and 29th June. My birthday in 6 days and I am made wondering what would make me happy, nobody tells me any news of like gifting me anything, I just live life thinking of whatever that was ever said.

I really hope I can live back my life like creating websites etc. it's just too boring my life, I can only remember what I am good at and it is computers, naturally that is. It's sad being a hacker but not earning in life, like the stories of hacker earning big salary for government like not true at all, I really can't do anything like there's no other jobs for me I'm made to wait for life to be on a certain date to feel achievement of only taking medications daily and feeling myself out of ward.

I think there will be a try to get counsellor a different way, as I want my life normal and not a bad life experience, maybe Club Heal is also not caring like my bnss counsellor, even a help that may accident in making me buy cigarettes, they don't risk it, because my main motive would be wanting a laptop for my own self and a medicine that cures anhedonia. I think it's a lot of anger like making me insane, but people just assume and consider cigarette as the main reason of pain that I experience pain in life.

I remember I was fine with the way my 2nd sister's ex-husband treated me but I remember about the computer bills being so high, that I want a job to be able to pay her ex-husband back on wasting the bills. I feel bad like crazy that their life became high bills that I thought im the main reason of their divorce, whatever it is I will still think of a way to pay back his bills. I've been difficult to work ever since that day, but my family don't consider it as schizophrenia but like laziness and attitude problem instead, I always vision myself as someone poor for a long time then it really happened until I'm reaching 38 years old.

I told on my family Whatsapp that doctor said my happiest age will be 38, then it's soon, but none of them telling me of giving me any money that's more than $5K(I definitely would buy a laptop), means Hisyammuddin is luckier than me in the way his family care for him because he was given $10K during his schizophrenic moments, 6 months already got something then 1 year he got something again. Then he became independent. I'm so unlucky my family treat me like I will become childish and I feel that mental problem are from them other than cigarette that makes me wanting to have more money in life to survive the years. I just need to have enough money to complete this year because next year I will get money for school that I plan to save up like "kids days" I didn't get to do it, then my family don't mind I loss my happiness like that from business failure as 1 reason because my friend wanted to take all the profit. It's really bad my life experience earning nothing in life in the end.

I think Ive been made to become ambitious of having a lot of money at 38 years old(until the month before 39 years old), then having another 1 year to wait for my happiness instead, doctors maybe secretly bad to me like didn't provide a counsellor to help my life and it all have to be my own initiative. A schizophrenic mentally sick but not having a counsellor to deal with life for me, in definitely dead meat for another 1 year. Spending time with R would become the best feeling somehow, or spending time with Epul, it's really like a crazy feelings of happiness gone and I just want to live life and they're the only ones that can make me live my life back somehow - the way the promises that was said by them makes me happy but unsure because it's so many years ahead to go, then I maybe becoming like my old life as counsellor don't help and I want to enjoy myself outside. It's weird too they don't promote me to rest at home due to schizophrenia like I have a mental problem already, they still are anticipated to demand me to go to work. I definitely feels like I'm dead with this level of care just struggling, enduring and surviving my life then anhedonia is the only thing that will lead my thinking or mind back into wanting suicide. Somehow it's like doctor have been confirming that I won't be committing suicide somewhere, it's just a feeling that maybe will happen if I don't take my medicine or take too much of it. My life is too bad - another phase of 1 year to countdown "for it to become better", then 6 months to endure the changes as maybe I will be enrolled for O level, then 6 months nobody siding me anything like making me have a life, they just let me live my life thinking why nobody cares about me.

Playful kind of numbers of readers also made me lazy to blog, as it doesn't impact to reach my family(in a way that I will be supported in cigarettes as well), then I'm just dead meat if only non-smokers are the ones reading. Just $4.30/2 days is so hard for them like asking for $200K, it's really sad my life experience that living in a rich house doesn't equivalent a happy lifestyle, because still struggle in life. Life's boring that only the end of June I will discover who cares about me I think(or during my birthday).

They all seem locked from talking of money, I imagine doctors telling them not to give me money as fact, it's really bad I have smokers in my family or ever-smokers but they do not support me and let me remain a needy feeling and heart, I feel poor like a beggar seeking attention for $0.10, they made me feel insane and useless "unless 1 of their goal is my path", like studying next year. I feel disappointed how they don't reward me anything during my N level high scoring days, I feel like nobody pushed me to study hard as fact, it's been by my own mind and by myself. They should be left alone 1 day when I'm healthy and stronger, then I will never visit my parents again 1 day due to this bad care if I don't commit suicide been made confirmed by doctor, so they can keep doing this to me. They don't care that I may grow or become insane and crazy and I think counsellor is not a good standard too as it's free like bnss counsellor was free counselling. It's sad my stupid life I will never have a fun healing journey.

Day 303 out of ward(351 on medications)

Finally I woke up again at 9a.m+ after waking up at 7.30a.m just to take medication, I'm happy how I managed to fall asleep again. Today I dreamt of killing a lot of preying mantis and dreamt of studying algebra in school, messy books. In the dream have a love story that didn't happen, I was supposed to sit down then a girl would sit beside me then it's a guy instead. In the dream I am Arsenal new player that gave scores to Wigan because the ball almost got in, like a Skeeball game kind of hole. It's a mixture of dreams.

Now its only 9.50a.m, I have showered just now then I didn't buy cigarette today hoping I would get to quit, then there's no way for Club Heal to know if I have quit anyway, then psychics probably won't update them on time because cigarette is not their happiness but my happiness, so I dont know what to do, I don't think I will email Club Heal again, it's so disappointing just smoking habit and they can't give in, whatever support they would've done, I would probably just buy myself a laptop with money given from my parents if counsellor managed to make my parents give me money, it's really sad my life surviving as a poor person.

Now I'm left thinking if someone would really buy me a laptop, computer to use at home, even computer table etc. I'm so bored like crazy then nobody cares to help me, I just laying on sofa as usual daily doing my boring writing on blog, no attention really for almost 1 year the number of viewers are just to create feelings into my heart like imagination of an end or help of someone. It's really bad I feel so useless.

So boring

It's the same word over and over again, there's no creativity as fact in my post, I have no pets to write about, I have nothing, my hobby can't be done due to anhedonia and it's the same sadness over and over again.

I wonder what will happen on 17th - 20th June, will Aby really appear in my life? Will Wahdiah really appear in my life? It's finally the end and the moment of finding out if anyone would appear again, it's so dull and boring, I have no one. Waiting for 19th June is like crawling to Causeway Point from my house maybe, the feeling like that, it's so long. My mother active on TikTok like she comment on my video, haha.

I feel like I will die without help of anyone, I worry the suicidal feelings just come back but I take medicine daily so it shouldn't come back. I remember Dr only need to give me one clozapine I think medicine name to cause me suddenly loss of feeling to suicide, it's really a cool medicine, it works like magic, I wonder how a medicine can change our hearts, can any pills make Sakinah fall in love with me?

My brother and nephew went to my 2nd sister's house to store the fish they caught in her refrigerator, it's too big, I call it Giant Siakap, haha I made up the name myself, I wonder what will be cooked, will it really be 3 rasa? Hahaha.

I think I'm just going to feel like starving myself from the crave of cigarettes, I have finished my last roll with little tobaccos left I threw them away, it's really bad the feelings sometimes, but in the morning it was/is great pleasure to have a smoke, it's always like that.

Soon it's going to be July, haha just in 2 weeks+, then 6th July will be my injection again, hahahahahah I'm so happy how I'm ending the cycle of going to ward every year, some year I go to ward more than once even, hahaha. I hope I will be cured. I don't know if the happiness is limited due to fluoxetine, I am supposed to be happier I think, it's like the medicine paliperidone and fluoxetine both had limited my happiness level.

food and cashbox reached

Ooobun reached then it's just quite nice nothing really special like I imagine, I rate it like 5/10.

My mother's cashbox is here already looking special I didn't open it.

RG477V the games can just keep playing even if die to just continue by pressing Select button it means its "Insert Coin" button like that, I realize I can play alone then I really want the happiness in playing it so I'm not playing it yet. I really want to enjoy myself but anhedonia really bores me.

I wonder what I should do, this keeps being in my mind for almost 1 year I think, always thinking what I should do daily.

It's worrying how it's close to mid June then I still haven't start studying yet like I planned. I wonder what I would be doing in life. Maybe no one would help me after all, I would have to help myself and just study anyway when it's August or October. I wonder why people left me like this for almost 1 year, I'm not improving in my life still blogging like old days, still taking time to "upgrade" in life, feeling so slow and late in many matters of my life. I've never gotten a $3K computer before in the past then my life is just a boring experience but nobody cares anyway because the bills will be a lot, I don't know why they make my life as meaningless about such thing, I thought my father would always keep me updated about games, in the end doctor just say I will spoil them then I don't get games anymore for so long even RG477V I bought myself from my brother's $1000 that he gave me.

I remember if Epul is coming into my life then he would want I.R.C days to be back again then I would have something to do online again, like monitoring his friends to keep them connected in 1 place, like a planner for his life plans. I hope I'm not too late in experiencing the I.R.C days again and I hope it happens.

I wonder what counsellor would do as I plan to make a forumco page for my entire family and relatives to keep connected with my adopted families inside it also to keep updated of our family in an easier way, because some at Johor, etc. and some at Jawa anyway. It would be a nice knowledge point like knowing our families' faces just by being at the website. I wonder why none of my family members believe about Wali Allah highly like me, they seem to not search for a "Pengubat" but wasted like $50 for a kind of Pengubat that only gives me water to drink then a zikir that I've already been doing. It's a waste of money I feel that my family didn't pity me but gave money away like that and it's better giving them to me instead.

Don't know why my families believe about Pengubat when I've been sick for 20+ years, it's just too bad for me. I hope I will be cured 29th June or fastest to be 19th June.

Lonely life almost 1 year on medications

Still nobody accompanied me in my life despite my good taking of medicine everyday, people just don't care as it's considered as a lot of people that does this, it just assume everyone as heartaching me a little bit, it means nobody will side me or support me in my life, my brother giving $1000 only because I almost quarreled with my mother about hearing I would get $10K, Alysha is so bad ruining family relationship like nothing, I'm unlucky my schizophrenia really remembers things the wrong way even if she pretend as voices of others, I will still lost memory or even could be dreaming of the person talking such thing that she said instead making a different voice. It's so bad my recovery is yet to happen, I'm expecting myself to be cured on 29th June, it's already 12th June and it's the same like "voices exist", I wonder when the girls will start to pity me, when they have schizophrenia maybe they will understand that heartache can exist for no reason and "just like that", then it's weird like "takde angin takde ribut" then marah, but actually it's the sentences said by the attacker instead that is replayed into our mind, it's a lot of anger that I have to endure like feeling useless in life too, like a "useless body" that can walk around and still breathing, it's really sad even if I exercise daily, I can't be getting nice health about the voices, I hope I remember things a nicer way rather than "hearing voices" of the expression, etc. it's really heavy, then my schizophrenic neighbours can cope their life with medicine daily, I just have to become the same, but they obviously dont have anhedonia, they are so lucky about the medicine doctors gave them, they have the same diagnosis as me but we are different medicine, it's really weird I really hope I recover much faster, then I'm still wondering why my neighbours haven't recovered yet as I read that schizophrenia recover after 5 years of medications, this is really weird and scary path in life, having to rely on medicine then my mother would say "tak boleh gantung pada ubat" when actually the voices I hear are not my wish, it just happens and she talks easily, then luckily doctor said that she will have schizophrenia then they(my family) will realize, discover or notice that the voices can't be controlled at all, and as long as we remember, we can't shut them up, then it means their advises are bad like "jangan ingat perkare dulu sangat" it only gives heartache because what we remember is not our choice at all. They are really bad at advising and I think counsellors should interfere into my life, but a childish ruling exist like "no smoking first" instead, they are counsellors can cope into whatever attitude but "smoker's attitude" is it really a troublemaker to their life? It's really bad luck and bad decision of counselling rules, even government still gives money to smokers and even gives CDC vouchers to buy food, then money can be saved for cigarette instead, then they set such rules for me for what? It's really bad, my only hope then they broke the doa from coming true by setting such rules. They should at least help me a little bit like making my families change in their way of talking instead of hurting me too much, I became remembering what Alysha said to me instead then it gives me pain, it's like luck for the enemies instead, then sometimes it's Alysha but I would feel like "being scolded by them" instead, schizophrenia hearing voices, like disturbing my "kelelakian", like dignity thing to be calm and "not scared", but to be saying "bullied by Alysha" is crazy when I can beat her up I just didn't and let her continue attacking my life. Law is useless as wait for report or me suing her instead of just interfering and assuring everything will be settled, then they just let me live hearing voices without any penalties from Alysha. Even she escape girls home from bullying of toddlers and Law really let her go because we didn't press charges on her, Law should fix a counsellor for us as we're living as neighbours, then I think Alysha also made me think all neighbours are bad to me like after saying I'm a sacrifice of Islam to become the Dajjal, then none of my neighbour reminded me it's Alysha and let me believe her lies, making me seen like the attacker of my neighbours in my old blog I wrote to myself without publishing on Facebook. I deleted it anyway. It's really bad she even pretended neighbours' decision on me are to make me hear voices behind wall when actually she's the one shouting outside window and my room door(she just enter house without permission due to care of my mother). It means my family really don't know how to care for me even if money is actually easily earned by them, its so crazy nobody is helping me at all until now.