Roughly remember

It's so long time ago but the voices won't end, I'm so unlucky to meet a crazy girl named Alysha, maybe she's crazy that's why she still get to go university, and not schizophrenia? Her crime like a 100% got away with it, a criminal since young days, my luck still bad as reaching 38 years old and still poor + she won't be paying me back anything it seems like that.

I don't know why I get this kind of experiences, 38 years old soon? Wow Allah is too harsh on me, I really didn't feel the days except a lot of hotness in my 21 years like that, why is it like this? When will I recover? The voices made me so angry today then luckily I didn't memory loss, I really have nothing that I can do to counter the heartache feelings, I just can only wait and see on my 38 years old if my friends really would provide some recovery of pain for me when they give me money. It's so heavy the weight from Alysha's attacks, I just endure daily for almost 1 year already, why is my life like this? 1 year of Alysha's voices? I definitely won't recover then I think.

Stories of Pokemon cards made me happy then it's the stupid Alysha lying about the information, I'm so unlucky in my life, I really can't do anything about her freedom right now, as doctors are all stupid about it and letting her keep growing and achieve her life goals. Even her parents don't talk about her, how can I expect a payment from her parents when she's the one at fault to my life? This is really stupid.

I feel like I won't recover from schizophrenia, until age like my neighbours' that have schizophrenia, as long as they haven't recover, I'm dead meat with anhedonia due to this medicine Paliperidone.

6 viewers previous post

It sucks this healing journey, kept remembering of Alysha's talks and still even can be fooled and believing as "doctor's talk", then my parents or family didn't sue Alysha and let her go, then until now she didn't pay me up anything.

I don't know what my family felt, but it's just unfair to be handling all these on my own, like searched for counsellor to handle my life, then it's been 3 days but still no response from counsellor.

Life is a suffering for me, ever since met Alysha it just becomes hotter temperature most of the time, and angrier many times, I'm so unlucky and unstable thinking of her. I wish she die but wishes don't come true.

It's so stupid this life journey nobody handled her and she got to continuously attack my life, she's so stupid and made up a lot of false information for me to believe wrongly then I will write them down then people become thinking it's my attitude, personality or character instead. There's no way her voice to be gone from my life, only medicine as the only hope that they will go away. I think I became a crazy angry person whenever Alysha successfully created me to write wrong things. Don't know why none of my family felt anything wrong with her talks and none of them tried to stop her, it lasts so many years.

13 Viewers previous post

Still having no idea who reads me, I somehow hope my problem settles next week on Friday hahaha. It's hard I feel like buying Redbeat items then I want a laptop too then I wonder if counsellor will help me tell my parents that I can have a life of my own.

The problem is that on 19th June will be my birthday then my friend Epul said wanted to give me a CPU 1 set of gaming computer, I think my life will become easier again as I will have computer but only if it's true, it's really harsh, then we going to talk about going to Johor together but I really don't know if it will happen because it's not 19th June yet.

I also wonder what's a good date to start learning O level early, because life's too harsh I really need to become a better man then I'm still stuck with this schizophrenia that I will only discover if I will be fine on 29th June(as the cycle of 1 year happens).

I somehow hope that counsellor exist but then it's too difficult as I have too many posts. I wonder what will settle first, I just want a lighter life if it can't be easier but then I'm like a handicap person, I wonder about my brain is it really getting better because I can remember harsh things like Alysha wanting to make me think that I'm God and already have a child with Sakinah and 6 of them - All sixplets of different faces, then I remember it's like my cousin Abg Cha and Abg Cik both different face and won't misjudge of their faces, I thought my sons would become like that - all different faces.

Alysha is quite crazy made my mind mentally unstable, it's due to a weak mental even if a good memory person the symptom is "loss of memory" then right now maybe I'm doing well on medications.

I read that a person need to be at least 6 months to 1 year on medications to be okay, then maybe I need 1 year? I really don't know it's just still hard to work, I wonder what Club Heal will search what kind of jobs for me, maybe dishwasher again? I really don't want to be a McDonald worker. My weakness really bad then despite my high scoring days during N level nobody like have belief in me that I can do well in a job, then if they knew I kept becoming difficult to work, why none of them give me money? Then why my brother that gave me money talks about work most of the time, it just probably trigger memories Alysha's telling/commanding-expression to tell me to go to work, it's really bad a man's common sense being commanded like wanting to turn me gay because I can't beat her up and make her shut up.

My unluckiness lasts until I'm turning 38 years old the age of recovery I just became wanting to spend time with anyone that enjoys being around me and I don't want to waste my life. Maybe Club Heal will really help me for me to occupy my lifestyle in a different way.

Daily I smoke like $4.30 every 2 days, then its like 3-4 days to be $8.60 I really feel like it's a waste then it's still better to buy Pokemon Cards that chance me on getting $1.3M card - The Illustrator. Doctor said that I will have at least 10 of Illustrator Card 1 day making me actually a $10 Millionaire 1 day. I wonder when such thing will happen, I really want a good life as my life is bad. I hope Allah sides me in life and doctors really true that I will become so rich in life, I really want a lot of ease for my life to become better, it's like no use becoming stronger in health but then still have no money it can create me mentally unwell over and over again because I live such a poor life in a richer-than-normal house(2-storey house), it's disappointing how my mental is weak that I believed easily that they have no money but I can't do anything about it, they rather let me suffer like this is weird too.

I remember of wanting to explore places but not alone, I wonder if activities of Club Heal can make me happy too, it's because I'm a type of lifestyle in the past that likes to play games, and I have tattoo so I don't know if I will fit in I hope counsellor don't make me try if it's really bad for me, I really don't know how to live my life properly as it's going to be 38 years old in 19 days then it means my time management been bad and I have been suffering and parents really don't support me with money as their final decision in life, I really hope I can have a good anhedonia recovery pill so I at least can have fun playing games, I don't feel pleasured playing games at all and it's the sad thing of this medicine, it means when I eat food secretly it will not taste so good as well? I remember doctor saying its 75% of niceness that cause me to be addicted to the food and requiring to eat more to feel the same satisfaction as others. It's like memory of Chilli Tuna that my brother ate so little even if it's so nice to finish it.

I just plan until 1 week of next week, on Friday if no response or call from Club Heal I will e-mail again to test my luck. By the time I will already have microphone to karaoke so I hope I don't make a fool of myself and just be a normal singer if it's not so nice.

I wonder what can help me in life, since teenagers I wanted a counsellor then it's so long then psychic didn't even help me look for a counsellor but I live my life in suffering daily, it's really weird why they don't help me anyway and look for me a counsellor and wait for me to be 38 years old soon? I find the decision so harsh and bad that it's painful to be suddenly living realizing turning 38 years old when I discovered I'm 37 years old the last time in ward, I feel I became old and nobody cares I have no gain in life, no achievement and still doctor is true that I'm struggling even when reaching 38 years old.

I really wonder what job I will do because I'm having a hard time living my life if I kept depending on government's money, I need life like laptop if not computer, then nobody is doing it for me except in my memories are stories of friends that will give me money to support me when I recover at 38 years old.

The recovery day is awaited for so long then I don't know how long I will keep waiting, even if doctor said that I will recover in December "that I'm not supposed to recover yet", I'm still waiting for a hopeful thing to happen like faster recovery, it's really bad when I imagine my neighbours still haven't recovered yet, I hope I don't take so long like them, it's scary but they looked fine if don't recover, I wonder what made them not ask doctor "when will be cured"? It's really weird I hope I have nice feelings like them, because I know they don't gain weight means maybe their life are still having nice feelings despite the daily medications daily. I hope 1 of them will ask doctor for me to have the same medicine as it's the same diagnosis anyway - schizophrenia. I really don't want to grow into a fat man.

I hope my writings all these while(almost 1 year) helps me somehow especially about Sakinah, Wahdiah and Shahridah.

It became so little

Only 4 viewed my previous post, means I became to wonder how it can reach 20+ or 30+(Old days when I was at Batam).

I really have no idea who will be settling my life, the counsellor and Club Heal didn't contact me back even after 3 days, maybe they contact my parents, then my mother followed me on TikTok means she knows about my blog already. I have been wanting a counsellor ever since my teenage days, due to lack of money and poor lifestyle, I really don't know why my parents are like that to me. It's just too strict and painful, it makes like a desire to earn money by working short days then having income to resell drugs, such thing in my mind. I will think of drugs to business but I have no idea where to buy them from. I feel life as something easy knowledge to gain info where drugs exist, but I wonder why Police always takes a longer time to know about it, it's really weird.

My parents are the ones that made me think of drugs like "wanting to feel better in life" is a lot of pleasure, then they didn't give me money, I loss of pleasure from anhedonia, then they don't support to pity my condition, they just let me live life normally. They buy food like honey chicken, etc. but then most of the time I have to cook myself because I wake up early nowadays, it's been almost 1 year that I woke up at 7a.m to 8a.m. Pleasure like selling drugs began to become my desire to do in life whenever I am short of money, then I don't know where I can do such thing. Then I remember when looking at people wearing smart it reminds me of wanting to become a Police too, then my heart is quite mixed up like that, I really have nobody in life.

My parents let me experience this growth all alone without friends(if not they maybe belanja me Mee Soto or Ice Milo even Teh Katai), it's really sad they don't let me have friends to luck on getting to feel pleasure in life like nicer food and drinks. CDC Voucher really supported my life nicely but I have money to pay them back because I remembered I told doctor my teenage days I stole money, so I pay back using CDC Supermarket Voucher, doctor said that it will take me 3-4 years to pay them back, then I guess it's fine, it's really harsh doctor knowing I'm in difficulty of money but they didn't talk to my parents.

Growing older I began to realize like nobody really cares if I have only little money from government, except my brother that gave me money, then I realize they don't effort to give me any idea of getting money except from voices of Alysha that made me thought I will be getting money, it's really madness my mind, then I don't know what to do about it. This is why counsellor been on my mind since teenage days so I feel lucky that Club Heal have free counselling I think, then I contacted them but within 3 days still no information I began to wonder if it's settled or not too.

I imagine joining a secret society for money, then I think such thing don't happen in reality, as it means need to work for them for money, and the path is only drugs, then why police didn't undercover and join secret society to know of drugs easily? It's really weird life of common sense, easily to just get a tattooed person to ask for secret society and then join then getting drugs knowledge, police work a weird way like they are hunters instead, then understanding life like people can live from selling drugs for so long it means it's a lot of freedom from police as fact.

Even if Law didn't help me about Alysha or supporting by providing a free counsellor that's a Police Force, I think I will somehow plan of way to live in life. I don't understand why my parents let me live like survival from "kerak nasi"(in this case: About Money), it's always a finishing experience before the next income or getting from government, it's just too bad my parents are not caring like other people's families, I'm so bad luck. They didn't initiative to sue Alysha for money for the bad doings she done to me mostly verbal abuse and shocking me like using binocular to spy on my messages, she's really annoying and a little bit insane. I wonder why my life became like this, it feels like I want to marry a schizophrenic instead 1 day that understand life as not easy despite parents having money because they just assume something bad kind of usage and rather let us remain a survival lifestyle.

I'm so unlucky in life, I hope a counsellor save me, even if it's more than 1 counsellors, I hope as it's faster because I have a lot of adopted families then nobody can talk to them if only 1 counsellor at work and siding me it would be too tiring, I hope my stories gain hearts from counsellors to help me. 1 day I plan to advertise my TikTok account for 100K viewers for $18, to make it seem like Karaoke but to gain eyes that counsellors read, it's so hard in life for a free counsellor, even a problem need to be settled with money, it's sad.

Day 290 out of ward(338 on medications)

Woot, I'm happy how I'm reaching the 300 days out of ward, and it's June tomorrow!! I'm excited as it's 38 years old, my friends if remember their promise they will give me money on that day(19th June). I really hope for a different lifestyle to happen like going out with my friends and contacting them again, it's just too much the difficult period of my life been all alone and nobody cares.

I really hope my family bring me to explore Marina Square as I remember my last time there the top level was on renovation, then it means something have changed there, I feel like a kid then it's only because of shortage of cash, if not I maybe will go out myself but it feels like I wouldn't at the same time, it's just too much the boredom for almost 1 year already, and I think they remember I've passed this stage of not taking my medicine or took my medicine but skipped a lot of days. It's just hard my life, I want an easier life then I wish Club Heal give me a job too so I can live peacefully. I only have about 5 months to work before O level then it's the only road in my life for me to perform well or just pass as something okay despite doctor saying I will score all distinction and become famous on television. It's just too much weight in my life being an N level is something I feel "poor" about and O level is the least I want to achieve in life, then if I have to: just get Diploma in Ethical Hacking etc. just something good to work at after that. It's really tough my life, then I just want to work as a Soldier most probably. My nephew Jafni is a soldier getting my ambition in life, he's so lucky, he's just 8 years younger than me then I remembered I used to care for him when he was a baby and toddler.

I really want Sakinah to get to know me more but it feels like even 40 years old I won't be getting her, so I wonder what I should do in life, it's like a weight in my heart waiting for her and she don't care that it probably made me lovesick and can't work, she just let me live a difficult life with scary parental care, at this age too, it means I'm like retarded if I expect them to care for me but I'm schizophrenic, what can I do about it? I've been taking medicine daily like I remembered about Club Heal telling me to take medicine, then I hope they help me get a job but it's like a lazy person still? I really don't know. I just hope my life can improve to be a better man.

Just 27 more days then I'm 1 year on medications, it's really tough my life journey. Then 75 days left for me to be 1 year out of ward. I will successfully go through this year July and 1-14 August outside ward, I'm so happy of my first year experiencing July after so many years then NDP outside ward, I hope they celebrate my 1 year of medications by giving me gifts like laptop but then it's something like a "fat hope", something that they won't give me, it's really bad my life experience due to schizophrenia, the voices that lasts for 20+ years, then it's only like that nobody sued Alysha for her verbal abuse and physical abuse to a toddler. It's like people don't believe me because of schizophrenic diagnosis that I have, as most schizophrenic lie about their feelings or situations in life like "I don't have schizophrenia" etc.

I'm going to end my writing like this first for now.

Pokemon Cards Plan

I remember that doctor saying I will become millionaire from selling Pokemon Cards, it just feels so real, I really want to do this. I check the cards prices are only $4+ each, it will definitely be fun to have 151 Pokemon Card of all species then saving for future children to enjoy.

I wonder when I'm going to start this, like $4.30 is price of cigarette storm king, I think it's better to buy Pokemon Cards for future children, it will be fun.

Now it's 9.14p.m, my previous post only have 5 viewers, the number rise and drop a lot I don't know why people are like that to me.

I hope the shop sells Pokemon Cards soon.. I'm so bored would like people standing around at the shop area would be fun.

Wondering.. thinking..

Why from 20 etc. viewers it became only 5 as most least that happened many times?

I wonder what people are doing how come sometimes a lot sometimes just a little.

The feelings of doing a karaoke like make me wonder if it will be fun because it's been so many years then I suddenly will be singing, am I going crazy or what? People at home will find me weird as I suddenly will be singing a lot.

I feel stuffy right now, the storm king made me want to quit cigarette after the lucky strike, it's really harsh the feelings. Anyway I don't know why my mother followed me on TikTok it was sudden then knowing she actively uses TikTok makes a cool feeling.

Now I'm at the sofa and always keep switching on the fan over and over again as it auto off, it's a bad thing to experience but it's not painful like "arms will grow muscle".

I'm still thinking about June, O level, I really don't know where my life is going to be, what kind of path is it when my ambition is to learn cyber security or ethical hacker, I read about PSB Academy it became wanting Infocomm Technology instead. I wonder what I will be doing in life, like will I really get to work something about computers, will I really do a computer business 1 day, a cybercafe too, I think my family is not a kind that always get their goals and it maybe follows in the bloodline that I won't get to do what I'm ambitious about, maybe this coming O level will only lead me to work after that, it's really harsh, I maybe will just become a McDonald worker? I really don't know. When I think of my job, I feel God as heartless as I did not become a good status to get the girl I want, I became like a loser instead. It's really tough imagination I kept thinking why nobody helped me in life, I'm really on my own on my life journey without any support but just my brother's then I anticipate people that's my family members telling him to not give money anymore, it's really sad and making me insane, they really are not nice to me and a bad care method, I think I don't need lessons in life but their care methods are always like "lessons" most of the time.

I remembered about a teacher that her child doesnt meant someone smart as school at A.V.I with me in the past. I used to be ashamed of studying here in the past and usually don't tell people of my life. It's really crazy a lot of budak cacat and gangsters at the same time, I feel retarded someone scored so high but so stupid, luckily I'm like normal person in the school. It's really sad but my parents really send me wherever they feel like sending me and I experience a bad life in the end and not successful in my studies there. It's boring my achievement is nothing there then I went to BMC Academy to take N levels. I really have no rewards in my life then it's just like that - my family. They are not caring like me I thought as something weird because I'm caring then its like a different bloodline. They let me grow older studying failure type of studies including N level then they don't care of getting the girl that I love. It's the point in life - girl that we love are strength in life, then they didn't let me feel like getting her at all until I'm 38 years old in about 3 weeks.

I really feel like if nothing happens at 38 years old, I'm going to be stucked in a suicidal thoughts everyday, then I'm going to try for dormicum most probably like seeing guys hangout to buy just anything to overdose myself, pleasure in death should be the least painful in death, I think it's like that. They didn't effort even when I've hit 37 years old, as I assume they hate Sakinah but it's not that I won't revenge on anyone that got my life becoming miserable, like Alysha definitely I will request counsellor to help me as I want to sue Alysha 100%, she's really testing my patience as doing nothing for me to feel better.

I will wonder who been following me as I will be actively using TikTok like Zoe Lim, but only having my voice singing and not my face talking, then lyrics as the video, I think. That's all I plan to create my TikTok popular and I hope I get nice comments from singing. I realize all schizophrenic want to become famous to become rich, then I've seen some that successfully got their fame while I'm the one suffering kind of schizophrenic like no gains of popularity and fame, like a missing person for 20+ years as fact my life. I've been offline most of the time listening to voices and seeing things, then dreams that made me thought as power or magical, really became berangan a lot, it's really bad schizophrenia I hope they treat me better.

Today my mother cook something not nice, telur sambal that the sambal berminyak and tawar, it's like meaningless, then have sambal goreng from my 2nd sister during hari raya haji she cooked it, then I don't know why I don't feel pleasured. Maybe it is anhedonia. Today I ate honey chicken 3 pieces with chilli sauce like kicap on rice, then curry chicken El-Dina brand with bread slices then sambal goreng and telur. It's really a boring life.

I wish I'm outside exploring the world with nice people that treat me food and drinks like Starbucks or Coffee Bean, knowing what outside feels like now since I've been at home most of the time, people just don't care and I live my life with nothing.

I tried to make myself happier like imagining money for Simba, then having Simba data for fun videos 1 day, maybe I will just TikTok Live Karaoke everyday but I really don't know if I would be energetic to do it, because of anhedonia.

I hope next week everything will be settled about Club Heal counsellor request.

Finally I will recover I think

20 and 17 viewers previous post.

I remembered that I ever bought microphone and broke the stand on my first day of buying it, then I was too happy I kept losing my memories and became unstable, thinking a karaoke feeling will happen again into my life, then in the end gave to orang kampung due to my instability, schizophrenia made me like that, this time I did not break the item, maybe I didn't take too much medicine and following doctor's order, also I didnt skip medicine. It's a happy feeling getting a karaoke feeling on Android then it is free, it is definitely fun, even television can stream it but then there will be no microphone, it's really a heavy life like a poor guy excited because of cheap stuff(now it's cheap) like this.

I'm happy I got an idea to stream just music on my TikTok thanks to Zoe Lim's TikTok made me discover about karaoke. It will be fun hopefully I will gain friends instead of enemies just because of singing, I know it will sound bad secretly because as a smoker it makes voice shorter breath, I'm excited about the wait for microphone, today is Saturday, tomorrow is Sunday, then 4 more days of it, hoping it reaches on 1st June but too bad for me I guess, Sunday they can't take it. It's so long the pleasure to feel in life I just want something back into my life, and it's hopefully not the same feeling like RG477V, suddenly anhedonic and can't have fun playing games. I think my life hopefully can become different especially when I start studying this August or even October, I really dont know when I will buy O level books, probably June.

It will be a long journey of 2 years to estimate A level included to pass then the 3rd year enter university, it's really just nice 2029 enter university maybe if I pass or score well. It's really a heavy waiting but then I remember 19th June may have surprise from my friends to give me money, but it's been so long ago then I don't know if true at all too. So the special days are 19th June, 29th June(not warded again), July month(because first time experiencing July), August(because first time experiencing NDP outside after so many years).

It's harsh my life experiences I really don't know when counsellor will talk to me, I feel like emailing my blog but I assume they read somehow, I really need Club Heal to know too but then it's almost 1000 posts to read then it's just too much really just need to use search engine like "Alysha or Alisha" then find the writings that way, it's crazy I wrote of her a lot yet to understand as she don't read as it means she don't give me any penalty money for both me and Dina, it's really just weird her actions like a crazy person that tried to cause me to suicide, get away then didn't get punished, and she didn't use her initiative to pay me and Dina money. What a freak.

Memories of Future

I remember doctor telling me 1 day at O level in school I will have a lot of Pokemon Cards in my bag, means I somehow will have money to buy them for my future children to have the collection. It's really fun it feels like I will do well in O level or at least a pass I hope, I really want to see how far I can go in life even if it's at this age turning 38 years old about 3 weeks.

My mother and my niece "Dina" now followed and I followed back on TikTok, I'm happy they have an activity now at TikTok.

I really don't believe that there's competition in Star Maker then I would just want to be playing Karaoke just for fun and happiness, so I'm not really a competing voice but just looking for pleasure in life.

It feels good like missing the old days with my 2nd sister's ex-husband but I can't do anything about their break-up as I loss my memory anyway. It's just unfair the perfection of family gone but then I start to imagine even a university level person may experience divorce, it's just too bad in life to happen. The divorce just happens without my knowledge for more almost 20 years.

I don't understand why both of them feel fine about it but both married someone else already, it's just time to think of the future.

Life is scary like due to seeing the flaw of my family's care, it's like promoting another painful experience to happen then nobody would believe me as I have schizophrenia. It's just too bad my life been wanting a counsellor since teenage days but then only now I got to approach Club Heal by writing to them. It's been a long survival life always losing my memories of things I want to do, then nobody pitied me like how much I've lost in life, I carry on living taking medicine forgetting it was idea of Club Heal to not skip medicine. I'm successful in taking the medications daily then I don't know when I will recover from it, I know the day is closing but it could still be 39 years old as doctor like created a riddle for me instead of telling me the date. I remember it's like December that it will happen(the recovery), means I have 6 months+ to go. It's really a long time to endure this is like hiking in the mountain, it became steeper as the feelings of taking medicine daily is already like hiking a mountain. The endurance is the steep feelings in my heart. I wonder what muscles will grow in my brain for it to be stronger so I can't be fooled anymore due to weak mentally, even if strong in memories(if take medicine only) then it's the memory loss as symptom, it's so bad, I have no one to comfort me about my memory loss.

Day 289 out of ward(337 on medications)

12 then 16(About Binary) viewers my previous post, I really feel bored that everyone let me live life like this. I feel like nothing in life, like I don't know if I will become a better man, the energy like die off then I really don't know as no one encourage me to take O level, it's really harsh my life.

I think not today but Monday or Tuesday I will receive my microphone, it's really bad and so long but I have to feel it, I really want to finish the feelings already like just doing Karaoke to see if I will be healthier? Like more fun in life. Doctor saying my first song is the main point of the Star Maker competition, then I remembered like maybe Alysha made me delusional, it's always her but how she know of Star Maker if it's not me it's maybe doctor? I really don't care anymore I just want to have fun feeling like the old days when my 2nd sister's ex-husband was around, I remember our life was a lot of movies, french fries and nuggets with mayonnaise and chilli sauce, it's addictive and I remember I felt like an extra wasting their money buying me food all the time, I also thought I'm the cause of their divorce when I was schizophrenic, like a burden to care as an extra man in the house.

It's really a tough life journey, I feel 20+ years only like 1 year of my life then I'm suddenly turning 38 next month 19th June, it's really sad how I've became nothing and like story of doctor I will struggle to have a job even when reaching 38 years old, it's really crazy.

I hope Club Heal helps me find a job but it's my lowest priority and expectation from Club Heal because I have other things to settle like Alysha's going to be a court case at least so me and Dina have extra money in life. I wonder what job I will be working as from June to December this year, January will be my O level? Wow life really feels so short and fast, I haven't had enough fun like an old person living in the house with weak legs then cant really move around to enjoy in life, it's really bad my life experience everyday it's like an old person being cared of.

I realized yesterday that it's Holiday for Anaqi as reaching the 6th month then it's not a Public Holiday so I assume Club Heal have contacted my parents about a meet-up appointment, I hope everything will be settled fast so I no longer stress about money and somehow can meet Sakinah 1 day.

My name in Binary

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Bored I really want to feel my life, I want a hacker's lifestyle but there's no job from doctor for me to enjoy hacking, I think if I can hack, that's the only job path for me instead of trying for Law and Psychology, means these 2 interests me in matters like achieving a goal in life, but hacker is quite enough like "$20K/mth" what makes it not enough money?

Binary made me want to become a hacker a lot more then I can't as doctor let me be at home, maybe he's not technological type of person? But he's a doctor, a genius or prodigy, then he's got android first as a doctor's salary, then how can he know I will earn so much in technology matters if he's not expert in technology?

I want to become a hacker that just can hack when knowing I.P address, I need to insert botnet into a target's computer to then insert another program to spy target then I can hack, it's really cool how just doing this I can become the Top Hacker in the World by doctors' information of my skill.

I really hope Puan Hamidah Bahashwan have a lot of couple to bond together so I can become a hacker job in her work of matchmaking like she talked about at Masjid Sultan, I really want to spy people to gain evidence and hope I will be hired for her work in matchmaking, but my case it's too long, it's been since 20+ years old until 38 years old soon, she still didn't make me feel "rumahku syurgaku" it's really sad and disappointing having to request a counsellor instead of an initiative to help me.

18 Viewers previous post

It helps people that reads to understand or estimate the number of readers that I have, I wonder which of my post will receive the help of Law or counsellor about Alysha, she's just lucky she missed girls home because nobody reported her then I maybe memory loss anyway, it's really bad how understanding she survive the questions of police and got to live her life into university, I thought I want to believe "Allah Maha Adil", why can't psychiatrist or psychologist take action then it still be that way. In Hadis Qudsi balasan datang cepat atau lambat, then keadilan? She is satisfied after verbal abuse and physical abuse to a toddler then I am not satisfied? Allah don't satisfy me or Dina?

I saw videos of Facebook "Ming Ming Ming" I assume as another schizophrenic that got caught by police for skipping the injection, then he looks fine able to post 1 hour ago, maybe he's in Ward 35A? I imagine like I experienced something like that before or not? Like I was stopped by Police for skipping medicine or injection? It was really scary the imagination of being warded so I understand his fear, so he tried to Live and record the Police but still Law didn't give way and got him back into I.M.H, it's really weird but I also feel he should just go back home after taking the injection that he missed. Its unfair people are schizophrenia then have symptom of "scared of people", then after all the scare suddenly be warded again, it's really bad the thinking of being warded over and over again.

I really imagine or hope my neighbours help me about counsellor like writing the good and bad side of me but I inform none of them to do it, they are the witnesses to Alysha's attacks then I think everyone decided to give chances because she's so small and weakling as fact looking like someone easy to die as fact, it's really too much Alysha took advantage of niceness or kindness and became a verbal and physical abuser. I hope doctors talk to counsellor if witness or know of Alysha so my counsellor can believe me more of what happened. I hope doctors email my counsellor.

It's just too much the attacks that I can't forgive even after 20+ years especially after causing the break or split up between me & Wahdiah or me & Shahridah, it's really evil how my feelings became not nice thinking of them and it hurts me a lot but Alysha had done it, even my parents like control to put me into I.M.H yearly without comforting me by talking about revenging Alysha. Allah is slow dalam balasan then we don't know why Allah works like He does, doa tak terkabul and she still in university, I prayed she relapsed or fail her university but "doa orang dianiaya tak terkabul", it's really sad how actually it's like a theft that got away peacefully as fact, a crime people know but let go because Law doesn't do anything to her.

I'm so unlucky in life, including Dina at that time then nobody pitied us and fight for us using Lawyer, we have no counsellors knowing about it for over 20 years then we live our life having difficult periods because Alysha didn't pay penalty quicker. We have to experience difficulties in life when money can make our life easier. It's really tough to believe that Allah balas balik, like zikir for money, didn't get money too, I zikir a lot but tak terkabul. It's really harsh to not believe of Islam anymore but Ustaz also didn't help to make-believe of earning the money from zikir like supporting Allah's statement if Allah. It's really harsh but even Ustaz didn't help me to talk to my parents it's so disappointing. They all have a life like work and family, then I guess nobody really want to help me after all as wanting their nice feelings in life I'm just a burden to think about. Its easier that "I don't get what I don't get" despite usaha, so D.U.I.T don't sound real at the same time, I guess my last usaha for money is counsellor then I don't know if it will work too. It's really tough, zikir adalah usaha tapi tak dikirakan. So what Puan Hamidah Bahashwan was talking about only made me berangan for a nicer life, especially she saying "rumahku syurgaku" I don't feel like heaven at all.

Today "21 21 9" like TOTO or 4D

1219? Hahahaha the number of viewers of my previous posts.

The kambing korban that my parents brought home are 2 rectangular big Tupperware, I still feel sad of my life difficulty they korban for pahala then I can't say anything, life is a survival even if knowing I will survive until August, it still pains me and they don't care about it. My life is harsh already with schizophrenia, repetitive of Alysha's voices verbal abuse, then paliperidone gives anhedonia then parents won't give money like government.

Jennie looks like Aby a little bit I would think she's Aby in a different face wearing if I'm schizophrenic and I would become angry she wore like that on stage, I feel that she became like a sacrifice to earn money when I was schizophrenic because I thought I lost her then she didn't appear to make me think wrongly of losing her, she let me believe i've lost her. Their(Shahridah and Wahdiah) care are no good too as the flaw exist when I'm in difficulty, they let me suffer all alone without being with me by my side even when I got "day out" at ward for some hours, they didn't visit me or attempt to get to know about me, they let me be alone until now and didn't energize my happiness of whether I still have them in my life, they just live on with their life forgetting me easily like nothing.

My life is so unlucky even with talks like Puan Hamidah Bahashwan I'm let to berangan until I'm hitting 38 years old soon, they didn't effort to connect me with my kekasih at all, maybe I assume it's because of "relationship is Haram", it's just too bad they're movement not helpful to me, they just speak to attract interest then I'm turning 38 years old already, don't know why she buat berangan at Masjid Sultan "that everything will be okay", so disappointing, I thought I can become her manpower like hacking for parents to spy their own children etc. kind of mission to earn big money in the/any psychological movement that bond a lover together, I really want to be like that bonding someone in love together because it feels bad to split up and I don't want others to suffer like me. Her talk is big but even if believable it didnt happen to me as I'm turning 38 years old already, it's really sad and disappointing.

Parents back from Batam

With daging kambing maybe korban 2 Tupperware, then after that I went to shop to buy b.b.q chicken for $2.

Anyway in Singapore have another case of murder with the name of "Mohamad" then definitely will be hanged till death I think, then he jumped from 18th storey then still alive and in hospital, it's really weird maybe that's the power of the name, keeping someone alive from such a fall of height, will "Mohamad" etc. commit suicide? I imagine that's the only thing left that never happened in the world, maybe will be hanged to death? Like the gayboy "Muhammad" a police, it's really weird seeing these name as "evil", maybe they must change their names. Why a gayboy then not called a kafir at newspaper? Like "became a kafir". It's really weird, the name is so sensitive then they do such thing. Does power in the names exist like people will talk of such thing in the names? Will a bad name do a good deed? I imagine, will Ustaz really talk about this kind of things to me? I will wonder why they aren't called a kafir or be demanded by MUIS to change religion.

I saw another guy that thought he is Dajjal by name of "Nor Hafiz", another Allah's name, maybe he thought he is Dajjal because of his name? Or he is schizophrenic like me? He looks schizophrenic, will Ustaz actually approach him and talk to him like ask why he thinks he's Dajjal? What if someone with a bad name do a good deed, can they change their name into "Muhammad"? Wouldn't it match and become more peaceful in sight?

At the moment tomorrow is Saturday and then Sunday, then today don't look like a holiday at Calendar, so I don't know why my nephew is on holiday from school. So nvm I guess it's his right maybe.

Means today counsellor going to call my father maybe and settles it, I hope somehow it's an easy conversation with me if have to talk to me.

I hope people E-mail their point of view to counsellor about my parents way of care if it's scaring me because a schizophrenia symptom is "scared of human", to feel scared means to feel hot in heart, then if they're too strict won't it turn me like a gay man? I'm 38 years old soon, then it's 2 years too late if no counsellor helps me if it happens at 40, I really can't be with a lover before 40 years old and get married before this age? People really want to make me marry at 41 even? It is like "Al" spelled in hackers' way of talking, then it is usually in front of Allah's names, why must it be like that to think positively of others' plan like "siding my life" when actually they have made me grown old without help of getting the person I love because it's "their version of way" instead? It's really unlucky of me to be intruded in trying for relationship with matters like "relationship is Haram", then I feel it when I'm too old or becoming a fat person, or marrying a fat girl, etc. it's just bad for me.

I hope someone see that my brain still works then they should be nicer to me already.

See no talk

Haha almost 1 year writing this ever since September, then nobody talks to me still, it's really tough my life people made me have no friends on purpose and I don't know what motive is it, they would blame me instead for having no friends and feel that it's good to be like that, it's really sad they don't promote a connection to happen between me and my friends they just let us go a different path of life, so disappointing I don't have encouragement in life but just earning money in mind like a body builder making bodies muscular, I feel if they feel that I don't need much money in life, why they didn't give me money anyway if it's nothing to them? If duit bunga bank why can't they just let me use them? I imagine like that, I remember even if $200+ in bank the duit bunga is like 2 cent, I imagine people that have over $10K in bank, definitely a lot of money as duit bunga but they don't let me have money still, I wonder why, duit bunga meant for donation anyway. Now I managed to save up $20 cdc voucher still imagine if my parents bring me to Batam is spending $80+ on tickets then I would still have $70+ maybe as fact if they give me my ticket money instead, they don't think like that but became used to like saying "no money", it's really bad their care is so painful like a torture as it keeps replaying in mind.

I don't believe they really care about me, they just want me to eat medicine that's all, my weak mind taken advantage of in the past as they say "no money" it's really bad to my health and they really did such thing to me.

Doctor's message telling 50-70+ years old to keep their money also ruin the view, means doctors only good medically and not a happiness giver in life unless matter of health and sickness, it's really sad like I think I need a judge to help me instead, but then I think counsellor is enough.

I wonder how to be happy without anhedonia with only 2 fluoxetine daily, it's really sad the pleasure of life taken away like nothing, it regain like an addiction or crave for pleasure in life instead, so little happiness from fluoxetine. They probably will judge me as insane as need medicine but I don't know, it's just my luck to have mental problem, even people would go mad at me despite my mental sickness, like my father ever beat up my back head at one time even after have won pinning me downwards, it's really bad I have no one helping me at all and they only gain bad views on me to treat me like their wish or wants. Police was called and I was made to go I.M.H, they maybe won't treat nice at all I thought as schizophrenia is already a loss of pleasure in life then anhedonia from Alysha's stories, then anhedonia again from paliperidone, it's really sad my body ruined by medicine. I hope I recover from schizophrenia soon but I still hear voices and I can't do anything about it.

I hope counsellor understands my pain as something real if not physical then it's like a heartache to describe it, it's really painful but my family regard mental sickness as "nothing painful" or maybe even an exaggeration of pain expression. It's really sad nobody understands me even after 20+ years of medicine treatment to me.

Day 288 out of ward(336 on medications)

Yesterday I slept at living room until morning, when I was alone I heard voices that I ever thought there were android devices in my bed that auto answer on call to talk to me, I heard "1...2....3....4..." then I lift my head, it was scary it felt so real, like the conversation with Aby, I heard voices so real like that when on my first day of "conflict" with Aby. It's really weird if schizophrenic we can believe the voices as real reality happening instead, about 8 months to 1 year, the lies of Alysha became voices in my head that I hear back like a playback recordings or calls to android devices into my ear, it became believable and painful, then yesterday was quite scary, who would be counting the numbers in middle of the night? It's really scary to be schizophrenic for the first time, when in the past I thought have spy cameras everywhere then it made me dare to enter scary places "as I imagine have people hiding everywhere" because of knowing "when to make me hear voices", I thought it's a healing method, that an Android or phone auto loudspeaker and auto answer calls from others and make me hear voices, the voices sounds so real. It's unbelievable all these years the girls never take the chance to know my condition and didnt help me out like buying me ice cream, schizophrenia really is painful and shocking, it's really bad if the voices sounds so real like can hear at our eardrums I imagine. It was only on the left side of my ear.

Anyways today is holiday whatever holiday it is, I thought Anaqi skipped school during his PSLE year, it was like a kaypoh uncle telling his father that he didn't wake up for school then his father respond that it's Holiday.

It means next Monday is the 3rd business day for counsellor to contact my father, it's really harsh my life, if I have more money I would have spent like yesterday buying fish burger and pizza for $5.90, it's maybe actually cheap if earning of $1400-$1600/mth, then I only have so little and surviving with nice food as something rare to happen in life.

I hope Club Heal maybe offer to help me find a job and I get a nice job, it's really harsh my life, I just want to live my life properly, and jobclub's job getting is too tiring or painful for body, it's really bad especially the dark vision I will experience if my feet becomes painful, it's really a bad experience. I only have 6 months to work until it's O level, I wonder what will happen to me in life.

"19, 5, 18, 5, 18" Viewers

My previous posts like this, the number of readers are unknown from where or whoever really thinking of me daily, it just feels like it could be a different person, but the habit of readers are like the same, it usually doesn't grow but first time post and it stays like that, crawling up in numbers isn't something common or regular in my posts.

Today I learnt 2 new words from post of Ustaz Harun "Riadah" and "Zaujah", haha, I don't know why but my malay is so bad I need to Google it, then the other one is Arabic language. 

I kept checking Facebook updates of "Ustaz Harun, Crow Yuzree and Rudy Marican" and TikTok of Zoe Lim, klay.hole and lycheelahalamak1 for interesting videos. The thing about schizophrenic that don't admit as schizophrenic reminds me of myself in the old days, maybe taking medicine late or skipping medicine, made me like that.

Today I slept and woke up about 12+a.m to smoke 1 stick then I'm writing this post now, it's really boring my life like got nothing to do everyday. I wait for the microphone to fill my life into happiness of old days with my 2nd sister and her ex-husband, by watching Karaoke videos on Star Maker and sing them, the first song I want to sing will be "Sepenuh Hati" because it reminds me of my love that I am always shy about then didn't know I actually have expressed my love already due to panic of losing her if I don't try anything.

I hope it will be wonderful feelings after singing the song like nostalgic moment started right on that day because of microphone feelings.

Trying to live life

I bought a pizza for $3.20 and a fish burger for $2.70 - I really wish and hope my life comes back because I want such things in life, like even if I will stop smoking when price of Storm King is $4.30, I really plan to save for cigarette as well, I plan to buy only Storm King from now on because Lucky Strike isn't so good. It makes me feel like stopping cigarette but then I feel calmness exist from it maybe the rest in my mind, even if hearing voices is a mental illness I think Alysha is the one that was attacking in the past then it means I wouldn't hear it back if she didn't attack. It's like I only will hear attack sentences but I don't know yet, it seems I'm remembering back what happened like she also attacked Dr. Radhiah and Puan Hamidah Bahashwan when they visited me at home.

Their visits only made me berangan for a nicer life like $20,000 story to get "as couple", stories like "berpisah dulu" with lover then "satukan balik" 1 day, it's like Puan Hamidah Bahashwan didn't do all these they just didn't effort to piece me together back with both Shahridah and Wahdiah. It's just disappointing something like love story I had to ask for it or write it down, I really believe this is common sense but they are just another examples that didn't help me achieve my love story of my wish.

I hope Ustaz Harun talk to me 1 day about what Puan Hamidah Bahashwan talk at Masjid Sultan, I really want to feel good in life but I didn't expect it to be until reaching 37 years old turning 38 years old, I was hoping it was 20+ years old then it's too late to wish for togetherness now, it's really bad nobody help me out including Wahdiah and Shahridah, I'm the one weak mentally but I'm the one that effort the most. Wahdiah and Shahridah are disappointing too.

It's like a lot of anger sometimes then I feel fine from cigarette or it is actually walking exercise that caused me to feel fine. The point is walking creates dark vision if too much, then I thought it's cancer as fact, especially the hot feelings, I feel better when I drink cold water just now.

I don't understand why their efforts are too little to connect me with their life, it's like I'm not really desired in life of Wahdiah and Shahridah, they really did 0 effort to come back into my life like a relationship, means the break-up of Alysha is successful, like I don't know if they would think I'm playing with words to talk of Alysha's success, to get them to contact me, like a manipulation, but they really didn't effort anything at all, and it's sad they think that way instead of just coming to help my dear life.

I feel so helpless but it carries on until today, even when I'm almost 1 year on medications I'm still all alone in this life journey, hope is tomorrow as it's the 3rd business day for counsellor to contact, hopefully counsellor contact my father straight for an appointment then somehow something settles then I am contacted maybe, I really would only talk of the same thing over and over again especially about suing Alysha for her mischief.

Boring it's 3.51p.m

Happy today is 28 May, reaching June then the birthday of Aby(17) and Me(19), finally 38, then Aby is turning 33, it's really a long time then no communication happened then it's so bad luck in my life, I can't know why psychologist and psychiatrist let the split up happens, but they're heartless I think, even if they will help back, they didn't let Aby help me at all, or even Wahdiah. So disappointing they are doctors and medical matters but doesn't care of my mind and heart in difficult tortured feelings when I was schizophrenic that any extra person would become a nice help into my life. They are not really so great after all.

Up to 37 years old I kept losing my memories then I didn't have time at all to remember Aby or Wahdiah, I kept thinking of Sakinah, it's really harsh the treatment, there were no counsellor helping me too, they let me suffer through this pain all alone, thinking everyone is evil by Alysha, mental so weak, like a dumb person, it feels sad writing this down but schizophrenia believes anything like almost 1 year after that I think, it's really crazy the Alysha, no one stopped her properly as the days happen like she shout outside my room window and even outside my door, she's so heartless verbally abusing me and got away so long, not even ice cream to cool my temperature down knowing it's hot feelings, such a bitch.

I'm upset at my family's treatment, how when I don't take medicine, there's no counsellor to tell them to give me something in life to make me happy, they let me feel hot in life, I even feel like I spent a lot to buy small ice cream, and it's like wasting of money, but it's to cool me down, then I realized my family don't care and know that I'm feeling hot in my body, even doctors don't tell them to care my temperature in my body. So disappointing they're the ones told of my state of feelings, then they don't remind me it feels hot, then it makes to match Alysha of saying they're all evil and Jews, Alysha is like a terrorist appearance into my life, she's so bad in matter of peace and so unhealthy to talk with.

Now at this hour I feel bored, thinking of 2 days left including today, maybe counsellor will just call my parents instead of me, as I don't have anything to say but just the same thing like I want to sue Alysha but I don't know how to do it.

It's really bad my life journey, no happy moments created but the birthdays of my family members, it's the only nicer moments of my life including bulan puasa where the food were nicer and better sometimes. It's really bad how they let me suffer in life feeling tortured by Alysha's voice, because if smoking really kills, there's no old people who smokes, then they probably just will want me to say the same thing, it's really crazy their care are so bad I've been like an independent person as fact the entire years of skipping medications.

I remembered that maybe it was Club Heal that says to eat medicine first, then I don't know if I was monitored by them afterwards, I also wonder why it takes time until needing to email them if really they follow my story of life. My stories are real, all the suicide reason-gaining attempts like flirting with girls to be rejected into shame, planned to dance like a mad dancer in public to shame own self, dormicum pills planning like 50 pills or 100 pills = $500 / $1000 to suicide, it's really crazy they just live their life like I experienced no pain for 20+ years, the heartaching sentences of Alysha worked me like a crazy man I walked a lot to places then nobody helped me I felt so tired at that time, I kept walking to many places so far away, then it's like a survival life, nobody pitied me, they let me pick cigarettes instead of giving me cigarettes, it's really crazy my life, in public many people saw me with the messy hair, then nobody offered to help me too. It's sad my family let me suffer.

I remember 1 time I was schizophrenic then wore my dad's shoes and my 2nd sister's watch, I wear funny match kind of clothes to walk outside for attention and "S.O.S", then nobody helped me, I reached home got scolded by my 2nd sister instead for taking her watch. I felt so much in pain, and the voices really made me crazy but they never shut Alysha or scold her at all until now over 20 years. I feel their way of care as stupid, torturous and brainless like Dina get scoldings from her mother when her mother back home from work then my mother fire some more like "Dia nangis je dari tadi!" like making Dina scared to be scolded more. I was really unhappy of my family's way of care and hope counsellor helps me a.s.a.p, I really feel like I will be tortured until August because of their lack of intelligence in caring my life. It's so boring, no reward or celebration from taking medicine like a warded person getting visitors, I just live like a man taking medicine daily like a stupid dog stuffed food and crave for something special everyday.

Tried Counter-Strike + Sadness

It was quick fun I tested for my anhedonia feelings, it's really bad i played some matches then I quit when I die. I don't know why this medicine is the only thing they choose to give me even if it gives me anhedonia, I will search for remedy of anhedonia by myself.

I feel like I should just buy St. John's Wort to counter anhedonia I read it's this medicine then I really don't know if true and correct. It's really hard if feel nothing in life. I really don't remember what medicine I was taking I thought the green and white pill(fluoxetine) is fine, it's really harsh that even 2 don't make it work nicely.

The next time my appointment with a doctor is on 31st August, my family don't pity that I have anhedonia then even my 2nd sister asked what it means, I think it's the 2nd time and means they don't care at all about it. I really want to feel the fun feelings but I don't feel them.

I hope some people start e-mailing Club Heal(Facebook - "Club H.E.A.L" Click E-Mail) about me so I hope my counsellor have an easier job getting to know me, that I hope will side me in this life experience or journey.

Money is calculated by me as "nothing" if give it to me but then they calculate money like it's a treasure or wasiat(macam mintak 200 ribu dollar) when they don't give it to me anything, only my brother gave me sadly my life kept on being like this. There's no nice support at all to make me feel more, so I can search for the girl that I love, they let her gone from my life for so many years without worry, probably hate her because of what I can become. It's really sad and disappointing seeing myself turning 38 years old it's very suicidal if it's 40 years old then they don't effort at all. I feel it's like too late in life but somehow a counsellor maybe can heal my feelings that it's not too late. 40 years old is maybe then "too late", I feel the torture is like a murder case because of the feelings that I missed Sakinah since 6 years old then my family don't effort except my relatives and doctors, but who knows it could only be 1 day their effort, I'm so bad luck about life happiness, everyone doing well without caring my consumption in life as "not nice or too little or too boring", they let me suffer "like an adult" for a schizophrenia to be independent is bad even jobclub search a job for us even if it's bad.

They probably just use "schizophrenia" as the reason I ask for money or like this, like I can never think well or I'm retarded instead, right now I have $470+ in my bank then it's lucky how I effort in life and they should be growing it for me instead of letting me survive as a schizophrenic? Means I can't plan other kind of life other than food, and I can't go out because of anhedonia it will feel boring and waste my money? They only creating wanting drugs to feel pleasure - like wanting Prozac if replace Fluoxetine, Benztropine for the slight pleasure daily so strong pill so small but gives pleasure, Tramadol for painkiller like heartache became not feared to be felt in life, it creates no fear from voices pain by Alysha that uses multiple type of "identity voices".

It's not my fault that I have schizophrenia but they want to create me independent on my sickness, like manage myself and even made me anticipate demanding to work kind of feelings in my heart, it's really sad but they just feel it's normal, they treat me normal when they want their wish then schizophrenic when I want my wish. It's unfair to me and a lot of pain.

Happier feelings

This morning I got like 19 viewers so I'm happy with the quantity I feel like will get good attention for the counsellors to judge my situation if people speak up to Club Heal counsellor about me too, I hope I recover from Schizophrenia and I assume Club Heal maybe will ask along to do activities at their place, I really don't know, I really wanted counselling then I don't know what's the rest going to be, it feels bad if a free counselling then don't do their activities.

I hope the peace in my life happens like nice flow of money to make me brave enough to walk this life without feeling scared of being poor, to feel like a man with brains, it's really harsh like a mental retardation the treatment really makes me feel stupid and useless, like a shock to become a weakling gay bastard because "can't work" and I keep hearing voices of telling to work, I'm so sad by the voices I suspect as Alysha's making male voice using like a rolling paper, I'm so unlucky in life to have met her in my life, her grow up in my house turn out to be disturbing my family's happiness instead like Dina kept crying when toddler and I kept being verbally abused, I didnt beat her up like my mental is weak, sadly it's really schizophrenia, then it makes a man feel angry for the complicated explanation, it's just a shock like someone trying to create me gay if dont beat her up or she gets beaten, I'm sad how my family members didn't take action for more than 20 years already, especially when Dina was a toddler I protected Dina and gets verbally abused by her stories, it's really sad I'm the only one that took action even Dina's mother a Police didn't sue Alysha, it's really crazy. I feel like my family have a problem in way of caring people, especially they may hurt accidentally or do more pain after a painful experience accidentally, they also assume more like not giving money because of cigarette they forgot life can be a Nacho Cheese with Smoked Chicken in bread that costs $2.60. Something like pleasure in life that I missed so many years then they don't care I missed so much good experiences and just let me live a poor life and lifestyle.

Only my brother helps me with total of $1200 + 2 T-Shirts, and 3 Pants, I'm so happy with his buy for me it matches my needs of wanting something simple and nice. It's perfect as fact.

I wonder why if my 2nd sister can have 1 children and care, then she can't give me money too, like my 2nd sister can still provide a lot of western food for my nephews(her children), means my 2nd sister really keeps away money from me as "worry I may smoke" most probably, it's really harsh, even doctor saying the health of my babies happens only because of the shop "Yes! Tomato" because I eat the vegetables in the chicken chop with tomato rice. It's really just something they don't care like buying me that for me to feel happy about my future babies becoming healthy, they really let me grow my daily life supporting ownself not like my brother.

I'm disappointed with their way of care like a torture to my life thinking and forced to compare their haves in life, comparing to me I'm definitely deadmeat, none of my family members care to understand that schizophrenia is a problem in working situation too, it's like during my job, Alysha's voice appear calling me "Babu"(Servant) because of scrubbing for dishwashing, it's really a lot of anger at work but none of them cares to pity me and just let me have money instead. I feel theyre treating me like someone retarded as they have many times lied of having "no money" fooling my weak mind, to be successful that I feel poor over and over again.

I ever feel like begging and sitting down for money at public places, but my family and relatives don't care I feel that way, they just continued and wishing "my mental problem" to be known if someone capture on camera most probably, it's really sad nobody helps me, I want counsellor to help me then it's too much to keep emailing, I hope counsellor reads my blog somehow like searching my name and I appear then getting to know blog links.

Day 287 out of ward(335 on medications)

Dream of video call with a girl my pri and sec sch mate, it's really weird dream to video call someone. Then I dream of being in a house that's different than the real house of Mak Ni, in the dream my father tells me to pick a room by putting my items inside the room. The house looks like my 2nd sister's old home then in the dream it is Mak Ni's house instead.

In the video call, have some guys at the bedroom with her, it's a living room size as bedroom its so big the place.

Now it's around 6.30a.m and I'm writing this early because I woke up early.

In another dream there's a police girl that's in love with me and likes to talk to me, I really forgot this dream.

I will be taking my medicine as usual later. The recovery is not felt yet as something true I maybe feel it's too unbelievable to be ignored by my family but it's maybe the continuous skipping of medicine in the past years that causes it, I really don't know.

I'm resting now on a spoilt fan that I have to switch on over and over again as it auto shut.

Dark vision again

Today experience dark vision again, it's faster than usual now, I stopped walking around then still experience voices that's like creating anger in my heart, I think I'm supposed to memory loss but it didn't happen, it's weird why my body or eyes are like this, I think there's no way to stop such thing from happening again and again, it's just my luck I can exercise walking too much, maybe I do 10K steps a day then it happens, I suspect like that much.

I don't understand my body at all, I'm hearing voices of Alysha so loud from the fan, even if I take my medicine daily, she survive in the fan somehow lol, but someone like her can't die yet as haven't paid me and Dina anything, it's really crazy my memories so painful to me.

I really don't know what to do, daily it's expected to become dark vision because of walking too much, I don't understand why it's like this. It's so sad and anger at the same time, but walking exercises makes me feel good a little bit.

Being having to hear back Alysha's voices as my memories plays back, I feel so bad luck again, like it can never end, but I really don't know I watch a video that a schizophrenic suddenly the mind became clear when have been cured and a lot of sleepiness if take medicine, I just waiting for such signs right now.

I hope my heavy eyes are due to sleepiness and not walking too much causing me tired instead. I really want to be cured.

I have no way of knowing which day of 38 years old I will recover, but I hope doctor tells me 1 day, it's an obvious question if doctors are around in my life right now, then there's no doctors to answer me because they feel it's enough maybe.

I think I'm supposed to memory loss just it didn't happen many times, I'm sad whenever I hear Alysha's voice then I'm angry I need to write this as a man, to be sad because of a small girl that's easy to die, it's like a weakling expression. I hope her voices die away from my life, then I can't do anything about it.

It sucks as a man to write this down, like pulling the nerve kind of feelings, it's really like an angry feeling mixed in but I just need to feel better and blog is meant for this anyway.

I don't know what to do now just dark vision and sitting at sofa, it's so boring. I remember that I feel like buying an Android stand and wired microphone, I hope I will buy them 1 day, I am just waiting to see how my life will go. Will I be happy to sing a song? Will the song create sadness in my eyes? Haha.

I feel like doctor just lie about me winning competition in Star Maker without my knowledge at first, but I really don't know maybe doctor just knew I am a champion's voice without listening to me sing first because doctor is psychic. Smoking made it difficult to sing but I really feel like doing it anyway soon.

Parents Korban at Batam

 

Just to see and watch whoever looks at my blog, it's like I have attention and not at the same time, I hope I have attention about Alysha's freedom is unfair and injustice, then I can't do anything about it, not that I want to jail her, I just want my Niece to be a richer life that she supposedly should be getting by Alysha's penalties, then me too my mental is weak so like I can become believing voices after I do not believe it, because my memories replay back in the same sentences that I heard that caused me anhedonic or in pain, it's really sad someone so small like Alysha gets to do violent sentences on me and physically abuse Dina, she's not getting away like she wished is what I hope to get help from counsellor 1 day. It's unfair.

Anyway Korban is evidence my parents have money but I can't do anything about it, I feel sad but I have money then people become "no problem" again, what about my future, August settles it again, I'm really dead meat surviving like this but people and family carry on letting me live like this full of sadness, it's depressing but I don't have a depression because I take medicine probably that's why I don't need prozac but fluoxetine(a smaller amount that prozac but it's called prozac too), it's really like haloperidol is smaller amount of risperidone. I really don't know what to do.

I feel that Ustaz won't side me at all about my family way of care, it's sad and disappointing, even doctors don't side me that I can provide myself a better care with money, like happiness to plan of going out to try search for Sakinah, then Ustaz and doctors also let me grow old until reaching 38 years old next month, it's really sad how people are being less helpful to me, I really hope counsellor talk to Ustaz and Doctors for me too as they claim as my adopted family anyway, like why they agree with my family's way of care despite the status that they have?

Becoming stronger mentally

I imagine myself buying a microphone just to play Star Maker Karaoke, I will decide later, then I will be in my room Karaoke-ing, it will be fun life or like RG477V I bought but never play? Zoe Lim seems able to survive like that like I can survive too.

It's almost 1 year of medication then no celebration whatsoever by my family, it's weird my achievement not felt like a goal like my N level scores high but not given any gifts or money, life's suppose to be like that, like getting an Edusave but I did not, I'm let to believe my family is poor due to schizophrenia I became mentally disabled and believed easily that my parents "have no money", thinking of Alysha made me angry how she got $10/day from my father after bullying Dina like a job received payment. During my schizophrenic days if I remember this part of life I maybe will judge my family as evil and "payment job to bully Dina is $10/day", lol thats crazy, Law so heartless if waiting for a report by me or my family members instead of getting money for me and Dina from Alysha, it's really bad life experience that she doesn't pay back penalty even by initiative, it's really harsh I know Alysha have a book I remember about what she did to me and Dina, then Law can use that as evidence of attacks and even a Lie Detector that she likes to make Dina cry a lot. It's really harsh how I'm let to struggle then "finally receiving money from jobclub", then ease by my own efforts instead of people supporting me, I need a counsellor that can help me get money from my parents so I can plan my life like search for the girl I love or study faster for O level. Life is harsh and they doing this to me.

I have 31 days left for my "1 year on medications", I hope someone gift me something like a memorable energy to keep taking medicine everyday. I feel that my efforts are meaningless, and someone that's schizophrenic and weak mentally are not encouraged in life to keep chasing for the goal.

Even after 1 year on medications, I will goal for another year, or even 6 months maybe if I recover at 38 years old as story of doctor, I really hope it's 19th June instead of 29th June that I recover from schizophrenia, the faster the better, I don't want to be suffering all the time, all the negative feelings are believed as schizophrenia giving me a physical pain like the psychology quote "missing someone is like a physical pain", I really maybe suffering from lovesickness other than schizophrenia and nobody cares about it, I wonder if Sakinah have a family member or relative that loves a girl so much, she really would ignore or help? Why can't she think this manner and just let me be in love then she doing what she want in life instead? Once I ever felt like it's a soulmate feelings/connections between me and her, it's definitely a deeper scar if she does something against my wish but she did it anyway. I really don't know what makes her so heartless. Maybe I really wish well that she will become a witch if didn't marry me and doctor really mean it about making her nose so big like a witch if she don't marry me.

Boring my life, I miss the life of playing FIFA with my 2nd sister's ex-husband, having someone to play together despite anhedonia, maybe it will still be fine, I remember I was on medications before and still can play FIFA with him, it's really harsh my life experience he suddenly gone for so long yet I didn't feel it thinking I have cancer causing my eyes to roll upwards and memory loss, then I thought he searched for a medicine for me instead because his father is a Homeopathy person, it's really crazy my life I have no one helping me and the only one that definitely will side me gone on the moment he discovered that I have schizophrenia. It's really bad my life experience having no one to support me, I only remember thinking like "bodohlogy" is him and he look at my TikTok then I wonder if it's really him, it's good but would be bad if in touch with him I guess, life is so boring and I only felt it like 1 year within this over 20 years of my life, I really thought I'm younger age and "Allah didn't take away so much time from me" then actual fact is "Allah had taken all the time I lost", it's really harsh to think positively of Allah then He did this instead. I don't know or understand why Allah don't help me like giving me a dream, or making my mental stronger without medicine, I'm just so unlucky in my life.

Today I bought Lucky Strike because I think of quitting cigarette then thinking of feeling this new one first, it costs $14+ but I'm fine about it I guess, I have no choice I don't want to miss not knowing what a kind of cigarette feels like, I would only crave more if I didn't try now.

Just 1 month left of 31 days then it is over, the final destination of my life, the restart of a new countdown for another year of taking medicine, that doctors said that I will recover at 38 years old, then I don't know if I will still be needing to take medicine by 39 years old. It's just too harsh and too long to be cured from schizophrenia, then nobody helps me like understanding me as mentally weak and support with pleasures of life like going out to places to know what it's like, I really miss going to places then I feel that if I go there alone I would feel bored from anhedonia then wasted my money travelling so far like Esplanade. I think I will buy microphone later to play "Star Maker" for real and try to have fun in my life, I know doctor said that I don't know I will be in a competition and as I sing I am somehow calculated to be winner in the competition 1 day, it's really a nice feeling to know this at that time, I wonder what would happen to me, then before "Star Maker" and Pokemon Cards, will I really be successfully creating "w.w.f.g"(we walk for ghost) adventure group? I feel like drawing some art to make the t-shirt or long sleeve, like a person holding a torchlight then shining at trees or abandoned looking structure and draw eyes thats closed and not looking, like a floating entity imagination that exist even if we shine correctly to where "we want to see things".

I'm bored of the perfection of my family, I really hope counsellor helps settle my feelings and somehow I get to feel "rumahku syurgaku" in my own home, it's really so bad like a helpless feeling still exist like "until when I have to just wait for Sakinah"? They really making my heart and brain in pain thinking they do nothing it feels like torture to me and they don't care if it's like torture to me.

I hope my family start talking about Sakinah 1 day or even Shahridah and Wahdiah, then they don't, it's just too sad the split-up happens from Alysha and nobody sued her. Law is crazy if don't take action to Alysha if know of this writing.

Parents at Batam Day 2

Just sharing some photos of my parents.

They Korban at Batam I think then didn't give me money "orang susah", I thought "rumahku syurgaku" but I don't feel like heaven at home, I hope the counselling really help to convert my house to become desirable to be at everyday.

Haha.

At 11a.m will be going to 2nd sister's house to eat sambal goreng and rendang ayam with nasi, it would be nice feelings today.

My 1st sister got food from her husband's side, and Hari Raya Haji is normal like just having "makanan Dari syurga" and that's all:

Don't know why I became comparing life of others but their life is great because it's okay as my nephews are young and still knowing the world of what exist.

Just now I watch Mobile Legends competition videos since yesterday, it reminds me of doctors saying I will play Mobile Legends with my nephew Aqmar and Dina's Boyfriend, as a "Family Clan" and 2 more person, to compete in competition and then we will win $15,000, that's the story of doctor. Doctor also said that I will be collecting Pokemon Cards for my future children so I will end up buying Pokemon Cards when I have money, then I will earn $1M from selling the cards.

I remember doctor also said that I will complete in Karaoke "Star Maker" competition and win the Singing Competition. At that time I no longer smoke is the story of doctor.

It's really crazy I will become addicted to Karaoke again? It's been so long ever since before the divorce of my 2nd sister, that was my last time Karaoke. At least I will be living back my life 1 day, singing Karaoke means maybe I will no longer have anhedonia then healthier in life?

I wish for a greater and pleasant life like having small lorry to bring my nephews jalan2 to places, ever Friday or Saturday, to explore haunted structures and hope some of us experience like an entity exist kind of feelings again, it's really bad as we grow old we became less sensitive to feelings of ghost maybe and the horror feelings like gone just like that, I just want my nephews and niece to enjoy their time in the world and not less happiness and enjoyment like me, I'm happy how my 1st sister treat them good food and yesterday saw Dina eating McDonalds, it's really a happy feeling that they enjoy themselves, I remember I have been suffering and wondering why my parents don't care about me, it's really sad like they rather I suffer without money than have money to counter anhedonic feelings + chasing the experiences in life. I wonder why my family doesn't help me chase experiences in life, they let me be at home for almost 1 year(I go out sometimes but just places like park and sit at shelter), it's really sad I hope counsellor helps me out about this kind of experiences to chase back into my life. I'm turning 40 years old but I feel like a boy still, due to memory loss for over 20 years, it felt only like 1 year all the years that I've gone through, but the point is I know "it's long time ago".

It reminds me of my days in ward, I thought 1 hour is 1 day, something like that, I counted the days of "inside ward" as 1 week or 3 days = 1 mth, something like that. The voices made me feel that way, that time I was on medications but I feel like "I will lose my life experiences" then I think positive "God can't be taking my life experiences time away", then now I realized that it's over. I've done another 1.5mths in ward like every year. I wonder why my mind mess up until thinking so positively of God, why doctors are not sad that I loss so much time of my life inside ward? Why doctors are not sad like gifting me the time they took me into ward and I loss my N level scores due to not studying newer topics in ward? Why doctors are like this to me?

The feeling of "terror" like panic, that Club Heal calls it as "anxious" as I don't know how to describe, was inside ward for so long, I feel like a terrorist will appear and break into the ward and then all of us become "our soldier self" and fight together then get to release from the I.M.H, it's really bad like a different world kind of feelings when inside ward, I wonder when I will be okay about it.

I am hoping people like Zoe Lim writes more and klay.hole to make more videos, I'm bored as hell and they're the only interesting people that I like to update myself with daily, other people are boring and I don't know what to do in life just TikTok and Facebook videos or image/quotes every time, I really don't see or vision myself as becoming someone successful in the world. I'm really imagining what I said like "wanting to study Law and Psychology", like if I can do it or not such thing, it's really high standard that I don't know if I can achieve, like my 2nd sister wanted to become a banker but then didn't happen, it's imagination of "wishes don't come true", it's somehow different when I see "Crow Yuzree" and my 2nd sister's ex-husband, like "wishes do come true", they kept their words of doing what they want or ambitious to do, then really started own business. Their path in life are a lot of hard work that I don't understand how hard it is, it looks really fun to be doing what we want in the end. I wonder if I can really become a psychologist like story of doctor, it's hard to believe that I will be a Soldier and A level, because it's like not a full time A level then, unless given time-off from work to focus on A level, it's really heavy to see my life as a working person. I don't know why people don't pity that I can't work due to schizophrenia and just let me live life "no money if no work" kind of feelings, it's really crazy but they do such things to me. So disappointing.

I feel that my parents care are no good like because of Dina toddler days, Alysha got advantage in life, then nobody comfort me until now about Alysha will be penalized, they just let me live like not doing anything to Alysha and that's all, I pity Dina how I am the only one in the family that fought for her "no crying" feeling in her babies days, I wonder why my parents are stupid like giving advantage to Alysha especially, but I guess it's because they adopted Alysha as their own child, it's really bad decision and I think I will be tortured until death if no counsellor or Law negotiator helps me, it's really a true suffering in life.

Day 286 out of ward(334 on medications)

Today the usual stuff I took medicine in the morning around 7.30a.m, I smoke storm king 2 rolls 1 in shower. Today I feel better, but I still forgot my dreams, it's still a peaceful sleep even if need to go toilet at night, I hope it maintains a nice sleep every night.

Today the voices still exist but softer, it feels like there's a blockage of sounds or voices on my right ear so I like hear the voices coming from the left(the fan), it's really weird to be a person "hearing voices", like why I hallucinate and experience this pain, it's just small voices of Alysha's, she speak when it's painful in my heart and brain causing me to remember it by hearing the voices.

It feels like no one in my family is like a counsellor to tell my parents to just support me with money anyway because I need to search for the girl that I love, I need to save money anyway, haha, my life is really bad luck, then Alysha ate our family because everyone was being kind and caring to her, it's really sad to live so long and Dina still haven't received a penalty amount from Alysha, don't know why my parents didn't fight Alysha until like that but maybe it's for the peace between neighbours, it's really bad she didn't feel pressured to save money and give Dina, and also can't expect her parents to give money anyway because it's her fault.

I realized that every morning I've been writing about the counting of days out of ward and on medication then nobody talked to me still, life is so boring nobody cares, tomorrow is the 2nd business day of counselling to call, then it's Thursday tomorrow, then maybe Friday they will call, but hopefully Thursday and it settles quickly.

My parents in Batam on Tuesday, Wednesday, Thursday and Friday, so my father will probably pick up Club Heal's call at Batam, I hope it settles easily and I can be more than happy to go search for Sakinah by myself as I don't know where's OCBC, it's just a boring life then she really didn't effort like me, her weekends not spent for me at all. It's really sad.