Trying to live life

I bought a pizza for $3.20 and a fish burger for $2.70 - I really wish and hope my life comes back because I want such things in life, like even if I will stop smoking when price of Storm King is $4.30, I really plan to save for cigarette as well, I plan to buy only Storm King from now on because Lucky Strike isn't so good. It makes me feel like stopping cigarette but then I feel calmness exist from it maybe the rest in my mind, even if hearing voices is a mental illness I think Alysha is the one that was attacking in the past then it means I wouldn't hear it back if she didn't attack. It's like I only will hear attack sentences but I don't know yet, it seems I'm remembering back what happened like she also attacked Dr. Radhiah and Puan Hamidah Bahashwan when they visited me at home.

Their visits only made me berangan for a nicer life like $20,000 story to get "as couple", stories like "berpisah dulu" with lover then "satukan balik" 1 day, it's like Puan Hamidah Bahashwan didn't do all these they just didn't effort to piece me together back with both Shahridah and Wahdiah. It's just disappointing something like love story I had to ask for it or write it down, I really believe this is common sense but they are just another examples that didn't help me achieve my love story of my wish.

I hope Ustaz Harun talk to me 1 day about what Puan Hamidah Bahashwan talk at Masjid Sultan, I really want to feel good in life but I didn't expect it to be until reaching 37 years old turning 38 years old, I was hoping it was 20+ years old then it's too late to wish for togetherness now, it's really bad nobody help me out including Wahdiah and Shahridah, I'm the one weak mentally but I'm the one that effort the most. Wahdiah and Shahridah are disappointing too.

It's like a lot of anger sometimes then I feel fine from cigarette or it is actually walking exercise that caused me to feel fine. The point is walking creates dark vision if too much, then I thought it's cancer as fact, especially the hot feelings, I feel better when I drink cold water just now.

I don't understand why their efforts are too little to connect me with their life, it's like I'm not really desired in life of Wahdiah and Shahridah, they really did 0 effort to come back into my life like a relationship, means the break-up of Alysha is successful, like I don't know if they would think I'm playing with words to talk of Alysha's success, to get them to contact me, like a manipulation, but they really didn't effort anything at all, and it's sad they think that way instead of just coming to help my dear life.

I feel so helpless but it carries on until today, even when I'm almost 1 year on medications I'm still all alone in this life journey, hope is tomorrow as it's the 3rd business day for counsellor to contact, hopefully counsellor contact my father straight for an appointment then somehow something settles then I am contacted maybe, I really would only talk of the same thing over and over again especially about suing Alysha for her mischief.