Meaningless Day

I can't concentrate about normal life, if sadness creates sleep, and I can sleep that time, why I can't sleep now, in the afternoon.

Don't people fall asleep when happy, comfortable, nice temperature?

Like don't know which is right? Maybe the unhappiness warded at that time causes to sleep for 10 days?

Life is too boring, it's like a collection of meaningless writings anyway, like to hint a stop writing forever instead.

What are people doing are just their daily normal life while I in a dull feeling many times of the days for 17 years.

Like imagine stupidity of my life is actually permanent like for 17 years have passed. I am in a strict ruling why it's not really like Arab and Palestine my life in house?

Does Palestine people have same ambition as me: Technological & Psychology + Soldier, I wonder their pain if not strong to do area of interest.

If Rasullullah s.a.w is the best cook, maybe actually Palestine people should become Chef, I imagine. Like an easy employment exist: like Indonesia goes to Singapore, Philippines goes to Singapore to become Maids. They maybe even will win cooking competition but why would they cook and let someone else taste? Why would they give recipe away? I wonder in my mind. If Bangla work construction, why not Palestine become a Chef? The job of Chef maybe tiring anyway but it could be their area of interest? They maybe prioritize recipe protection? Like what would happen if Palestine opens a company? If Palestine create a business? How would they become as businessman, would they become a structure owner even? It's like their brains are not given permission to do try.

For me I can't business, open a company, become a structure owner because of money, still have lived 17 years long of difficulty looks on purpose as a pain-creation to understand, the only problem to believe if medicine, why they didn't realize like even food can create ease in life - it's not about not given food, it's the exploration to try cooking too, it's limited into normal cooking that's favourite.

Means: if a chicken can be created black pepper to sprinkle and marinate, why I can't do like that?

My life limitation is like a handicap person kind of treatment - a Hikmah like doesn't exist it's an added calling of "secret retardation" in my imagination.

What's the Hikmah from these pain I feel for 17 years long? People have strength to work in an 8 hours calculation while Mental Sickness is Physical Pain definitely hard to believe that they don't care about it?

I really can't think well just living life in a lot of Dua for it to end, and zikir to try but isn't it hard to believe like Palestine was in a war despite their zikir everything, why people don't believe of my thinking as the same like "expectation for it to work" or "occur" is difficult.

Difficulty doesn't really bring money from parents, it's like a schizophrenic war thats maintaining my life while a free pain by not taking alternatives food stuffing into mouth or drinking a lot, why is it like this? Doesn't drinking a lot actually people will know when to stop, if not, will become wanting a lot more? Isn't 1.5L Drink addictive too to be called good as saving money to drink water? Then suddenly drinking a lot as not good and people that drink 4 gallons a day, became blind, who told them to drink so many anyway? Why blindness can be from drinking too much water?

Berangan Heroic Soldier

Don't know if it's the Spike, but my energy to battle it increases that I become a defensive writing and protection ideas. I don't know why it's let be as maybe it's the only recovery way, if to pretend no one read is like too much.

Tomorrow is November, Then December, Soldier is Really Close In Imagination, Can It Be Faster if ask Psychic - Because of knowing then a shortcut to skip bad backpain if become a cleaner job, then it's called job training with 3 hours of work, then I become soldier instead?

I also feel like selling portable ashtray, like can make a lot of money, as a salesman, I feel like people will want to buy to look cool everywhere with cig. and smoking beside blocks, I feel to find a cheap one that people don't buy online is difficult? How can I biz such I wonder like if it's a nice idea to just go to smoking places and wait for people being a salesman?

Is my idea good at all? People usually buy online anyway? *Sigh*, I think it's important like outside Al-Ameen there's no cig. spot at All, like can biz, will people be liking it? Selling at dangerous places(to throw) will be cool, but need smoking with cig. to show an example that the waiting person that want to summon ends up seeing have portable ashtray?

I wonder if it's a nice idea, it's better to earn money anyway and people usually don't see it as important except smokers that smokes alot. I hope someone help me I don't want a cleaning job at all.

If to sell at Yellow Box at Barracks will also be cool? Soldiers definitely smokes? Smoking creates a kind of happiness if no one realize that happiness actually heals body, it eases into a unique calmness to get rid of discomfort we have in body. It's really good for schizophrenia maybe that feel the dullness as too much and nothing to do becomes really painful, in the end even if it's not really the crave for cig. The dullness is too much quite unbearable, like no activity in waiting, like imagine smelly mouth during puasa but smoking makes the scent nicer, smoking really protects people from being called as smelly mouth.

Lighter maybe important as weapon during a soldier too, or during a fight, to interrupt or interfere a fight to flick the cig. It makes a man Manly, I don't like feeling so weakling.

Change of Law Stuff?

I think Law Should Change - If 250G of Meth is Death Penalty - Even 100G of Meth Can Become Death Penalty Because of "The Power Of Meth".

Some Drug Addict Sculpture Into Diamond-Looking Then It Could Be a More Powerful Meth. Meth is Known as Ice or Sejuk or Even Kaca If Sold In Bazaar(I heard it's sold in bazaar too).

Judgement by the Power, it's like 4 Puff from Cig. and I Still Feel It Sometimes After Months Since Around 20 July. I Think Power of Meth Matters To Create The Hang To Death(Means Lighter Weight Can Be Death Penalty is Nicer).

This Then Create Conflict Between Meth Addicts that It Becomes Hard To Sell And The Sales of Meth Becomes Difficult(If Add New Law) Because "Some get bad meth"(no feelings like 250G Also No Need Death Penalty). This is better to measure the meth this way, means if it's hang to death, taking time to calculate the punishment is still okay - Like Science Apparatus Drug Checking For the Power.

The Conflict between Meth Definitely Will Happen That People Becomes Lazy To Search for Meth, Then It Promotes Getting the Big Fish Easier Because "Power of Meth"(Even the Sculptured One Definitely Powerful), then Consumption of Drugs Will Decrease In Country. The Law Of New Meth Penalty Need to Appear Because It Creates Awareness That They May Waste Their Money and Decide Not To Spend At All.

If To Know More Than 10 Years Of Safe Meth Consumption That C.N.B Never Capture, I Think If To Sell Bad Meth When They Order Can Create People Lazy For Meth Anymore But Is It Deadly(Will People Murder If Get Bad Meth), It Must Be A Good Disappearing Act Or Facewearing Type of People? It's Like Thieving Money Of Meth Buyers. But Real Bad Meth(That Have No Feelings) Not Ajinamoto, Salt or Sugar.

Will I Become Somebody Powerful in This? I feel my idea is important because they survive anyway, if imagine 4 Puffs I feel this way, if imagine people have babies and they just passby, what meth is it thats so strong? This is dangerous to let be outside, especially Babies in Bus Too, Type of Meth Checks Must Exist, Higher Science Experiment to Know The Quality of Meth, So Even 50G Can Be Hanged To Death. This is 4 Puffs from Spiked Cig. been 3 months ago like that?

Mix Memory, Is My 2 Minds Merging?

I remember schizophrenic moments that I don't take medications, I remember I take a plate of chilli tuna to the elevator and comes back home. At that time I heard someone hungry and must share Abit. The voices, why is schizophrenia not insanity then?

Why this memory happens? It's rare to occur, memory of schizophrenia I should have forgotten, doesn't this mean the medicine is working? It can't be the spike, spike like promoted memory loss.

I was lucky people didn't see my odd behaviour, the voice also to indicate police that I eaten as my thinking, to show at the camera. Why did this happen to me, it's my favourite food too. Why it's like insanity like how I can get my soulmate like this? If my soulmate around maybe I survive stronger?

It's to create no worries as I have eaten food, the imagination from the voice someone in Police camera asking me if I have eaten. A proof and evidence I ate. Weird man my behaviour.

What trigger this memory, is it a lot of drinks? I drank a lot yesterday.

I remember like in the past maybe i was warded 'today'(imagination of a repeat), then this time today I'm not warded. The actions of repeats from my family like on purpose to remember stuff then they don't tell me what it's about.

I feel like buying prata now just a quick writing of my memory and happiness abit only like ambitious I would recover sooner.

Have I really grown so old

I'm thinking of my age, is it reality I'm 37 years old, life is unfair how I suddenly can think properly at this age after so long, maybe it's love sick and schizophrenia at the same time?

I sometimes hope like the situation at M.R.T, if many people knew and letting me believe it's year 2025, maybe this sort of thing is happening? Why am I so old to believe? I still feel young, my reaction and body language is it schizophrenic and childish instead of normal age? I feel I move like a 20 years old. My bodyweight makes me think I'm 37 years old again, it's so heavy, I only wanted to be 60kg in the past, then now I feel like wanting 55kg kind of speed.

Why do I age not feeling it and just loss my life like that and everybody seems fine about it? It's only Oct 31 then I'm sad have 31, then it's not November yet, the Soldier Job :( I really want it.

My growing up feels a lot of heat and many sections of microscopic hotness in body, whilst people keep working normally in their life, I don't know how I feel different as something they can't do to help me, why they don't try give me something cold or buy me something cold like hacks red even?

Then I think, it can become easier to detect Meth Addict like making a trend of making cold body: Hacks Red, Vicks Rub, Axe Oil - their scent at young age wearing trendy clothes and have such smell of these, definitely a Meth Addict. Detection can become easier. Then simply imagine their cover is just Baby Powder or Sweet Scent Powder(that's like a lot of lines as the casing). Creating new era of ways "for meth addict" to survive the heat, can create easy detection instead. Meth addict can feel we are caring and trust us instead, knowing and maintaining into getting to know big fish like Those that Sculpture Meth Into A Diamond Shape 💎. I think it's the best way if pretending a gangster and undercover, helping them with these ideas to feel body colder then actually gain trust to keep being in knowledge of Meth whereabouts.

It's the true care people feel, that their body doesn't become cold, then suggesting them to drink Red Bull or Qoo, as it's sweet scent and reawaken them, instead of becoming perspiring and sweaty from meth. Imagine smelly too.

Being too old talking like this maybe is fine, I'm definitely "bukan budak-budak meth/ice" this kind of talks, but can become undercover to know many different types of meth, this spike I experience is only 4 puffs from tobacco cig. then it's more than 3 months maybe the feelings, I really can't do anything.

I hope I can become someone useful in earning in life in any groups, I don't see myself becoming a C.N.B because the training is like a firefighter, requiring to move heavy items and history of broken arm from hit by helmet of drug addict, C.N.B is really dangerous job. My ideas are cool and defensive to people, it's protective to "who knows there's nice meth addict" that don't need to fall sick as they always help people in difficulties? I feel this way.

People live in life with a lot of freedom more than 10 years despite taking Meth, proves just being nice to maintain a knowledge in our hands as something good to do. I have been spiked I don't know how many years and it's by the same person is also odd he kept escaping maybe police don't care at all too.

I hope all these meth dangers ends even if 4 puffs can feel this way, I imagine if sitting beside a rich meth addict that doesn't take care of himself with perfumes then suddenly it's like a spike too? I don't know why the person dare to share meth so many times, isn't it like a rich person, it's not indication of a meth seller? It's definitely fishy he don't really care about meth. If imagine meth, the sandy bits like salt and sugar is really chased on the floor to finish it and consume it, then this man spike like nothing, even to a Man, it's like a waste, if imagine to a Girl - if create the girl h*rny is different, A Man? Is This Guy Secretly A Gay then? What if it's a Gay Old Man? The danger of meth in I.M.H then a Gayman have it to luck on s*x in I.M.H Toilet?

I hope my ideas contribute well to strengthen parts that require defences in Singapore. I know someone reads but I don't know who cares. It's a way to be trusted in the Meth Business.

It's like hearing voices

Syncing tune with other vocab then like listening to dual statement at once, why is my life like this?

It's like a repeat too.

I decided the bottle I threw like a donation to people who collects them, I really don't know what to do, I was reminded of vocab "Suntricity" and just do it, it's about getting the least pain during a hot moment.

I don't know what I should write, I like writing the truth but sometimes I guess we don't write what we like, about my stress, about handling my body pain, relieve have to be something like this too?

I wonder if writing the name Sakinah is really okay, because my Facebook Profile expresses such love, then I think I should be fine, nobody knows my Blog if don't look at Facebook anyway.

I wonder why it's this long to get my soulmate, the reason like too nice "baby will be sick everytime if have baby" then won't a parent be wanting health too? I definitely will try to eat a lot of vegetables and fruits 1 day hoping it speeds up the process of meeting my soulmate by a Psychic.

I'm glad someone remembers me it's like a dream come true, the happiness is real it's been about me - the expression and actions, the reason for an image, I think it's really nice to be remembered.

This have been so long isn't she not married? Isn't my heart calm sometimes? Isn't it that "if soulmate is close heart becomes calm"? I wish I get to become a better man too.

I don't know what to do, attention is needed but common sense of telling to Solat isn't it an anger-maker or pain-maker? It's like a real heat temperature rises by this common sense of my brain and wish. I really can't do anything I can't Solat.

The memory of Sakinah makes me happy thinking of her face so beautiful always in my heart since kids days. I hope this neverending happiness happens in my life and get to marry her, it's been true my feelings.

I don't know how I can live without her, the answers don't really match my wish and needs but it just happens in the heart, I would be craving to have her then when think of "bastard" like there's a secret way to not love her anymore, that I wish doesn't happen. I really miss Sakinah with All My Heart.

I think it's worry and missing Sakinah

I think it's like that, how days and time passes then actually no effort to get Sakinah, I really feel like if writing names should've been okay to tell the person anyway, it's the only way, 1 of quote from Old People Is "Tell them you love"(if love someone).

Why it's 17 years? Why I dream of Sakinah before in my Memory before I can walk as a Baby then See her in Kindergarten, isn't she my Soulmate then? If another Girl looks Familiar to me instead the (W), then (A) like a Gift From God kind of feelings. Then isn't all of them actually felt like a Gift From God in my Mind?

Why is my memory like real? Why the M.R.T is like a dream? Why during medication I experience memory loss? What's okay about all these? I just hope to become a Soldier then at least it's imagination of American Life then I really want to be a Stable Job to be able to Migrate to America, I really want such life in America's Love Story, they are felt like a Psychic Knowledge and Soulmate always knowing and in Love with Each Other, I like American Love. It looks very permanent and I admire to become a soldier that's responsible man as view and status immediately, it's like a shortcut, then if I am designated to special sector, it's like a psychological status to support my heart. I remember Jobclub as to make me get a Job and able to Migrate to America.

I'm not saying about "Being Married to American Race" just the Love Story living there looks Real, It's like A True Happiness.

Why is this happening to my life like I got to go through all these kind of missing feelings, I definitely would be busy learning to read Arabic 1 day, I hope Doctors and Wali Allah help me get my Soulmate faster then I know having to be Patient then it definitely Include not having Baby Early as Will Fall Sick, this is understood but it seems not working, they still believe Baby will appear sooner? Even after my 5 years of no cig. In the past the baby would fall sick? Why is my Baby weak if I have early? There's going to be a way like eating vegetable by force? The goal is to be with Soulmate anyway.

I think of investing in buying fruits and vegetables sometimes, I would make my mother cook Kangkung maybe as it's like the only vegetable I eat, or even eat slice of Cabbage even? I want to be healthy and happy faster than psychic and Wali Allah's Knowledge, I plan to be a better man in life everyday. Some days I skip Learning to Speak Mandarin Language is it okay, what did I become better on that day is like I Exercise, I become a better man too. I will be okay I hope.

Did I not feel helpless enough that I require support in my own choice? The energy from this wristwatch, data, really keep rising happiness in my heart. I wonder what kind of life I can build with Simba card, I'm so happy feeling so rich.

If I go out alot i may have chance to bump into my Soulmate? Going out is adventurous this way, I would be okay about it? Would I feel sad? Would she just talk to me and let me feel comfortable?

Today's writings alot like it's the only way to feel nice in life.

I don't know why my memory is like this, it's bad if it's just truly what I feel, it's like my soulmate don't believe me and left me and marry a handicap person, if the requirement is "to leave me" in her heart to have baby with other man, by Wali Allah, then the baby will Handicap anyway as a way for me to hate Sakinah. Why is Knowledge of Wali Allah like this?

I really hope Imam Mahdi appears and gather Muslims together, the togetherness will make me meet my Soulmate, the Difference About "True Muslims" will be clearer and split of Good and "Just Image" will happen, I really hope like this occur in The World. Image can be bought easily and maybe can become able to command people to do stuff too.

I really miss Sakinah.

I feel stupid

If to go I.M.H Job Training 3 Hours To Do Cleaning Then $4 To and Back, Isn't it a waste of time? I feel I should just get a job then skip their training it's like a Manipulation to make me find a job by force due to unhappiness that I don't work "if not go to i.m.h for job training".

I really can't do anything in life like having to go through this, I feel I should just get a job too it's not like I have no brains to just be getting nothing in life.

I don't know instead of seeing me as can't work for 17 years they see me as "lazy to work" for 17 years instead I think, nobody would want to be having no money definitely will find a job, why is the imagination like this?

Isn't i.m.h meant for crazy people? Doesn't this mean they actually see me as crazy as fact then just let go "if not i.m.h like a prison anyway", it's like being in prison for 1.5mths every year? Their satisfaction like that they don't feel like torturing me at all is weird too.

There's no talk of my moments in life "if I feel wasted", instead "everything is from Allah" but then didn't they not give money that I feel no effort I can do for myself to feel different in life? They're different they Solat daily then they don't go Shopping Centres for so many years is weird, it's maybe like more than 20 years never go Marina Square even, why are they like this in life? Why is shopping not normal in my family? In the end just buying from Online Shops everytime? Didn't I buy clothes to go out using g.s.t money? Isn't taking medication enough that they have to send me for jobclub to believe doctor as main point then doctor don't tell about my future anymore?

Nobody really cares maybe - it's just "do or bad luck(enter i.m.h)" as what I feel like the unspoken threat to me from my family, isn't it still schizophrenia to feel threat or it's lacking of interest to care me from my family? Isn't this like a neglection in secret? They can't make me happier but on purpose let me feel sadness?

There's nothing to talk but worry of losing time in life then they just "everything from Allah" as an anger-causing statement, if they effort like giving me to spend isn't it different or I save money to bank in? Then it's not difficulty created to me on purpose "to understand life". I can't live normally like this, my plans to go out is only every g.s.t "if not it's jobclub" to rely on, and the only thing I must feel happy about because of believing doctor - it's only Phone Number, what if doctor planned with Simba to give me that number then it's not Psychic Knowledge but just sounds like knowing future because it's the correct same number? Why do I experience this kind of anger that nobody effort knowing it's hard to talk due to I can forget? After "everything from Allah" maybe they are imagined as "berbual sendiri"(talk it myself), instead of typing in my imagination, isn't typing a writing way of releasing stress?

Why like where is the peacefulness creation is only the common sense of needs like Food and Water, but isn't it Plain Water I mostly drink then I keep using g.s.t money to buy drinks isn't it a waste of my own savings? The panic feelings like created me to imagine a Survivor person instead of Normal Life Person.

They have proven wanting to put me in ward for 1.5mths every year if I don't take medications anyway, instead of making me eat somehow giving me medications even, I really have no life and such records in life, there's no effort to help me remove the insanity I feel but just "normal reaction like telling to work" making it worse like not caring about my difficulty instead. I think to assume the reader just collector of writings and my family read elsewhere or making me not feel like a man with brains, disallowing anger making me talk to them about it myself into real anger to feel, a fixated threat kind of thing.

It's Definitely The Spike or Memory?

I been like aggressive writing stuff it's either the spike or my memory of things that I can't control, it's sensitive topic too. I wonder what's happening to me, why am I like this? Am I really a foetus in a tummy being projected videos of what my life is about, the voices speaks what I write then it's someone's talking as fact? Then my fingers touched the alphabets to write someone else's imagination of my feelings? I wonder why I am like this.

Is schizophrenia really like "the other world", the memory loss is a lot and it comes back with a feeling heavy in heart like thinking of Sakinah in M.R.T? Why do I experience this in life?

I really hope tomorrow is the day they talk about Soldiers then it's the end for me or I have to wait 1 month as it's at least going to be December, then it's the end that I got Stable Job finally. The application definitely will be successful as they just looking for people and not following the criteria of Diploma to become a Soldier.

Why it really feels like projected videos is because of phone number psychic knew first what I'm going to use at something I get at random choice, my happiness increases about the Data I got again, is it pleasure of spike or really the Data? Why psychic knew first? Does this mean I'm in an Era I will really meet Imam Mahdi? It's finally the end that Muslims will all gather and I get to meet my Soulmate at that "old"(imagine long time to go) age? I really don't know how to get my Soulmate is why.

It's like this moment last year I kept taking medications late then my memory is like a dream instead, because if have split-memory(mind like 2 different harddisk connection) 1 is taking medication 1 is not, then maybe this dreamy feeling is "taken medication late" so it's like half of taking and not at the same time.

I really don't know if there's a way to recover schizophrenia, the love is weird how difficulty of money is let be, to check if I can work could be the reason? I also don't know why this happens to me that they would maybe be angry secretly that I don't work for so long. If they believe of recitations of selawat then why they worry if I become "unable to work"?

What about insurance why there's no such thing like $400-$500/month because of schizophrenia I can't work?

I think I ever msg CDC saying I schizophrenia for money too during my schizophrenic moments, and other help-points, I think it's M.S.F something like that I don't know if correct, let me check, yea I'm right it's M.S.F, why does this happen to me?

CDC have a new Job Search way is tempting to do it too, I feel heavy it's maybe because of my weight I need to go back down to 50kg or 60kg? The laziness maybe happens then it disrupt my estimation like: I can't work because of schizophrenia then it's added laziness into me?

Why am I feeling like projected videos to foetus in tummy is okay to others they don't talk about it to confirm with me harder or stronger? It's common sense like genius knows Algebra since primary age means maybe I really know Algebra since Baby Age too.

I really in a different world kind of feelings isn't it spike or requiring some kind of awareness that I'm in reality and really loss my soulmate for 17 years and more?

It felt like I'm in a gangster family imagination then someone wearing face of my parents to imagine them as different attitude, is this really schizophrenia when I'm on medication? Does someone ask doctor for me and really nothing to tell me?

I remember story of Wali Allah that if I become a Gangster I won't marry (W) as she don't want to marry a Gangster, so I definitely won't become a Gangster as decision, it's easy like recitation if wanting to become a gangster I should softly bang table at Coffee Shop then Wali Allah says I would become a Gangster.

Will I have any psychic, police like C.I.D in my family? Aqmar my Nephew scores 7A and 5B in His School, he's so smart. It makes me wanting to take O-Level at year 2027 as next year is planned for Car Driving License, Mandarin Speaking and Arabic Reading, I have all the 1 year and then If there's no Jobclub it actually feels lighter or is it really my weight growth from Medication?

Is it nobody talks to me or tell me anything from Doctor is because wanting me to write to tell more of what I feel like in this world?

I don't remember well

It's like about the driving license, it feels like my brother will pay for me if I remember correctly, it would be cool if it's correct, next year a learning year of a lot of things in my life recovery?

If I remember at 39 I would be driving a small lorry for ghost hunting adventures, means I would have license by next year, as if lorry maybe require 1 year to be able to drive after passing car license? I hope he remembers if he said so, I don't remember.

It's hard thinking of (S), (W), (A) like what life is going to happen, some names maybe I shouldn't write?

I wonder what is going to happen it's closing to November it's like Soldier Topic will not start yet until December itself, the advertisement on Soldier got me excited thinking it has started. I wonder what will happen to country at that time suddenly wanting soldiers, I definitely want to be in it.

Is it over-thinking causing me like this, to keep writing?

I don't like if I'm so energized and happy then suddenly have to be warded into i.m.h, will I even do my license if it's like this? I definitely will keep taking medications to not be warded at all.

I know it's the spike in the way of recovery, but life just have to be nicer like this, I don't know why like "smoking not the cause I don't meet my soulmate", I remember 1 time I have quit smoking for more than 5 years even? Why is life like this?

I can't be happy enough with "Ya Jabbar, Wajburni" as zikir, I tried Istighfar a lot too as it's said as meant for "Ketenangan Hidup", I just have to believe recitations that don't work is just due to Schizophrenia, or it's maybe I havent know how to read Arabic yet? It's definitely schizophrenia.

If keto-diet works for someone with schizophrenia, why can't I do that too? It's decreases weight like nice too, I want to be lighter weight again, my last weight check just now is 64.9kg, I was 50kg 47kg during n.s now I've grown so fat. It's maybe the medication as true thing? My height is 174cm. I really read medication causes increase of weight I wonder if true. I really don't like being heavy and hope searches for faster recovery leads to keto-diet too then I decrease weight, I don't believe it's only matter of waiting daily eating medication to recover, there's a better way secretly like doctor won't tell it? If not it's "quantity of days = recover", I hope I really know other ideas too. Will doctors help me about this? What does colouring help in recovery, or pasting stuff on paper to create art? Those theories make me think doctors have something else that if I want to try to recover faster, to do it.

I really want to try recovering faster, doctor really knew my life decisions it seems like knowing my blog name in the past, cant doctor help me in a nicer way like just telling me information of future so that I can recover? If it's the spike causing this, it's definitely long to recover?

My life boredom drags from morning until night time, I write to lose the bored feelings, I hope I recover daily too, what kind of exercise maybe to do to recover?

Its hard thinking life without my soulmate, people get theirs at 20+ years old. I'm so old now like requiring to be psychic or Wali Allah to get my soulmate if not they won't know they're my soulmate, why is that?

Thinking of Imam Mahdi

I Hope He Appear Soon 1 Day, Definitely We Will See The Difference About Muslims That Are Sincere and Not. I really hope to see my Soulmate, he's really a Line Of My Life(Soulmate), a Reason Of Hope That I Can See Her Again.

I Don't know what to do, I Can Only Think of Wali Allah, Psychic and Imam Mahdi To Get My Soulmate, I Don't Know Why The Reason Have To Be "Baby Will Sick If Too Early", Life Can Really Be Other Way, If Use Imam Mahdi As Goal That We Meet, I Won't Have Baby Definitely? Can Psychic and Wali Allah Do This? I Really Want To Meet Imam Mahdi As Miss My Soulmate, Thinking of Him Makes My Soulmate Reachable in My Sight(That Muslims Will Somehow Meet 1 Day and I Will See Her).

I Don't Know Why I Practiced "Ali Ibn Abi Thalib", it was Same As Mufti Menk's Statement, Similar Definition, Then I Let Them Go, It's Hard To Not See My Soulmate, The Comfort In My Heart is Real When She's Around.

I Really Want a Perfect Life With My Soulmate, Then If Imam Mahdi Can Appear Faster In My Life I Then Feel My Soulmate As Closer To Me. Doctors and Wali Allah Can Claim Like Sake of Imam Mahdi I Don't Have A Baby Yet And I Meet My Soulmate? Can This Happen?

Both Statement of "Ali Ibn Abi Thalib and Mufti Menk" Made Me Let Them Go, Won't I Be Getting My Soulmate Back Sooner? How Can Someone in Love Really Let Them Go? Why Did I Do It? The Pain Was Too Much Too. It's Like Imagining Palestine Praying for The Attacks To Stop, Then I Keep Missing My Soulmate. It was Because of My Difficulty Too As Easiest Reason I Feel They Will Be Healthier and Stronger Without Me, I Kept Losing Memory Anyway.

About Jodoh

The Ayat of "Ali Ibn Abi Thalib": "Jangan Kejar Apa Yang Kamu Cintai, Tapi Lepaskanlah Dia Yang Kamu Cintai, Karena Apa Bila Dia Jodohmu Maka Dia Akan Kembali"

It brings me confidence. My heartbeat was fast just now I kept thinking of Sakinah my Kindergarten Dancing Partner, I really want her long time ago, I feel I have ever told her in M.R.T to wait for me somehow I will find her? I hope she looks for me, it was 17 years ago I don't know why it's like nothing. She not married doesn't it mean she's mine???

My heartbeat of missing my moments to talk to her then I loss Memory, this sucks. What should I do? I have ever met her then I lost memory!!! So fed up. I actually think of her everyday every moment like (W) and (A), I don't know why I'm so old and not married yet too.

What Am I Going To Do It's Been Too Long And Everyone Ignoring This About Me?! I don't know how to find her, this is bad, I'm turning 38 years old next year June. Does people say "La Hawla Wala Quwatta Illa Billah" Because of This? Isn't it a Huge Problem I Have?

I can't find where she is, on Facebook she's no longer Active, Instagram seems frozen into her old Image, why is she like this kind of busyness? She works at O.C.B.C Bank, and I'm just a nobody still, how can I get her?

My Confidence During My Memory Loss Was Due To Reading This Kind Of Stuff Is Why I Let (W) and (A) Goes From My Life. I really need a Strength to Live On My Life, It's Difficult Without My Soulmate.

So Stressful.

Exercise Feelings, Work Calculations and Life

Yesterday I Did Lie Down and Leg Kicks, Leg Lifting Sideways and Normal, Then 200 Arm Spin, I Hope To Become A Stronger Man. I really still feel like a 20 years old boy, I can't remember my 17 years of growing up maybe it's because of split-memory, I was not on medication at that time?

It's never-ending writing from me? Is my life said by psychic as Normal? I have nothing to do, today I plan another 200 Arm Spin and then maybe it caused the longer sleep? Means I've discovered what can make me sleep longer already. It's really just 200 Arm Spin.

I'm still in a panic about cleaning training, like why I have to do such things if I'm becoming a soldier anyway? It's like just nice if think schizophrenic and schizo-panic, it is maybe I'm in a schizo-panic then? She said I need to have stamina for cleaning, don't know why the few seconds already back pain hopefully it's not the same because the imagination is 3 hours.

I imagine after probation, it's $4 per ride to and back i.m.h, then earning $18/day means I get $14/day each time, it's so little then in a worry if it will be stressful or not. 1 month is so long it's 8×3 hours = 24hrs = "Training considered as Free Because It's A Paid Thing"? It's weird. It's maybe secretly worth it as I don't know what the training tiredness is like? Maybe there's no backpain level of jobs? 24hours is $144, means the next month after probation I will earn $144/mth with deducting $4/day = $32/mth = Earn $112/mth. Then to endure the 1 month of imagining so much money?

What if it's boring? What if there's no soldier job? I end up Working Lobby Crew like sending of Meal to Tables? How a 37years old recovery like that I don't have a stable job? Means if my next 6months working job is a soldier, I will work as Lobby Crew or not? The training isn't in the way of my life? Because Doctor is correct I remember, then still worry about Soldier Job if have or not. People, psychic or Wali Allah have nothing to say about this? My mind keeps thinking for the end "then start life" been so many years, the hunger for life been so long ago.

Then what about Fishing with My Doctor? When will this be? Memory Talks Too? What about Caring Baby Birds Too? It's about Life? How can I work and do these at the same time? No one secretly have any idea how it will be like as fact then I'm made to imagine "working as cleaning people" after "free work but looks as free training" for 1 month, but it's a fixation of earning point($6/hr). Why are they not thinking if it's heartless or not?

At home I'm in a spiked feeling then unwell then always in a panic or rush, I am just surviving, then I remember what makes me happier is I'm wearing the watch to earn $40 in 1 week of health-calculation for I.M.H Research, I was feeling sad like crazy but not a cry-type then remember about Money being earned.

I drink a lot of Cold Water because the heat still exist I think it's the spike causing this microscopic heat appearances. Should I buy ice cream I wonder like this.

I truly like psychic or Wali Allah level of Information it's always a future about me that they somehow know the outcome feeling okay whilst I wonder if true or not, the perfect number known that I would be using causing me to feel "they are right" somehow like "recitation are right too" but "1 day...", how come it's like that isn't power supposed to be like Magic, I can't know the days to feel happy except 38 years old? Will Police help in difficulty of a schizophrenia if feel like hard or harsh if treated this way? Will Police help like there's no Insurance for my kind of life strength?

I remember I have "Great Eastern Bank" Insurance but I don't know what it's for, I receive the email. It makes me imagine a lot of Money and it's tiring, I hate thinking about money if I don't have a lot. It's like "knowing future someone giving me money for black magic self-penalizing". I will have a lot of money? Cant doctor just tell me what i should work as straight away instead of the version of "hit the spot"(to be going cleaning training first anyway) schedules of Jobclub?

Spike Feeling Strong Today

My Mother Didn't Wake Me Up For My Medications and the Spike Feeling Was At My Legs, It Is Surprising How Long It's Been In My Body, And The Feeling Still Exist Even if Just 4 Puffs From That Spiked Cig., This Means The Medicine Created a Hold On The Feelings of The Spike.

Maybe Because I Was Spiked I Wrote Like Previously? I Took Medication At 8.40+ A.M Like That It's So Late Usually 6.55A.M Early or Until 7.30A.M At Least.

I understand the Spike Still Exist And I Can't Do Anything About It.

I Just Remembered Again About Wali Allah Saying "Jadi Askar"(Become Soldier), Means It's True This Year December or November I Will Apply To Become A Soldier When They Knock Doors At Home, It's So Many Years Ago, It's Really My Interest and Ambition - Imagine American Soldier Family Is Lovely. This Created Me Confident That They Are Correct Again About My Future, I Hope It's Somehow Faster That I Can't Be Feeling Bad Doing Cleaning Training and Getting Allowance For Cleaning After Probation Period of 1 Month.

Today I Wear the Health Counter Watch Before 9A.M for the I.M.H Research and Will Receive $40 In Future For This, I Need To Wear For 1 Week.

The Feeling For Cig. is Strong Due To The Spike.

I Really Dislike How I Still Have A Spiked Feeling Inside My Body That Don't Seem Enough And Wanting More of The Feeling or It's Just Better if Gone. I Truly Dislike This Mixture of Feelings. I Wonder Why It's So Strong Until Few Months And Still Around - It's Maybe The Strongest In This Business?

I Don't Know Why I'm Let To Feel Like This, Why I Am Known By Wali Allah or Psychic That I Will Be Difficult About Money And They Let It Be, But To Call Myself Difficult, It's Almost The End Then I.M.H Research Money Resumed My Days of Having Money Still.

Do My Family or Them Understand The Pain As Something Physical and Felt Like Miniature Temperature Inside Body, or Microscopic Temperature Of Pain Inside Body? Why Do I Experience This For 17 Years?

I'm let to wonder if they(psychic and Wali Allah) are True Even after Proven That I Will Use This Phone Number(that's selected at random and after months and year of people signing-up?), The Confidence Is Like Selawat Recitation My Mother Did To Me When I was Still Inside Her Tummy, I Can't Know And Still Wonder While They Are Knowing "The Outcome of Okay" And Letting Me Feel This Way For 17 Years? Because I Did Not Take Medications Then It's My Fault? Why They Don't Do Solution Like Letting Me Spend Time With My Soulmate? Why Does Early Baby Is "Everytime Sick" Too When It's A Strong Young Age? Why Do I Experience This In My Life?

I Only Have To Wait To Be Patient And "Wait for the Moment of Cleaning Training"(Will I Do It Or The Application To Be Soldier Will Appear First)? They Let This Be Too Knowing It's Extra Work Even If I Will Become a Soldier.

This Version of Love and Care is Weird To Me That It Can Be Painful Imagination of Work And Effort I Need To Do.

Why aren't there any Hero-Medicine to End The Spike Too? It's This Medicine Itself? Means I Have To Endure This "Extra Feelings" For So Long(Few Months is Long Because It's A Drug Said As 3 Days Long).

I Hope Somewhere At End October Will Appear About Soldier and What If They Decide Not To Appear In It November Too? Then Psychic and Wali Allah are True That I Just Have to Wait Until December? I Just Need A Job That I Would Work 6 Months Or More So It Means I Have No Problem Working.

Remembered Abit More

I think I remembering abit more like a confirmed thing, it's neighbours that reads, the topic previously was quite sensitive as it's about religion, the sudden rise of 12 readers in previous post also means someone actually reads and not just collector of writings.

I don't know if my family actually reads, I know the going to Kampung is to read this if I remember correctly, something wrong with my memory maybe due to medicine, then repeats like last year, then last year I skip medicine so I can't remember clearly.

I think if like a vote of soulmate going to happen I think I should be able to at least contact my soulmate, hahaha. Why is the strictness because "baby will be sick everytime", then me at this age cant have a baby yet is weird, cig. is really that strong to do this kind of things?

I can't imagine myself having a baby so soon or too late either, this age is too old already, cant be that I will have a baby at 40 years old? The stress about not having keturunan(lineage) exist, I really want to have childrens too, then I don't have any Soulmate contact or any friends I just in my house listening to my surrounding and only talk to my mother, I really have no strength in life like the happiness of using data is like a blindly-using at places just to feel happy and wealthy(the Simba really made me feel rich) about Phone Matters.

Me in the dark for 17 years then only been using phone for considered as 2 years maybe, my activeness in way not schizophrenic been only awhile, and really don't have to reply to me it's about other kind of readers - like n.s mate epul to message me about his thinking of penalty money for the black magic. I wonder what happened to me in n.s and they let me n.s during my schizophrenic moments is still surprising because I felt "let be in public" to occur weird behaviours, maybe it's the cause of thinking of black magic.

I don't believe he black magic me anyway. It's weird and a lot of stories I don't like to remember, information statement like "receiving money" in memory then living a difficult life? What am I waiting for in life? It also includes "if never take back barang it's like $600/mth"(barang is the black magic), why do I have to hear someone giving me money "in future at 38 years old"(18 June 2026 as my birthday is 19 June, it's just before birthday is the plan). I live in waiting for years thinking of money that may flow to me? Then if Wali Allah claim it's real that there's really a lot of money coming to me? How can I not be energized or happy Abit at the same time unhappy because unsure if receiving money? Neighbours don't have to reply me I think.

I'm thinking if I loss memory means my schizophrenic behaviour was in public before then why they let it be when I don't take medications, it's really not in my memory strongly, it's like a dream and mixture of those days I take medications late, it's also like I actually ever talk to neighbours before that's harmonious or comfortable type of talk.

When I think of neighbour, I think of Innova Junior College then thought of (S) just now, I imagine if my neighbour are classmate with her I remember when I was B.M.C Looks like Neighbour is Innova J.C, I still hopeful I can get (S) before any psychic knowledge becomes clearer how late I can get my True Soulmate, can't psychic be wrong about how late I get my soulmate and get faster my own ways? Then if I want psychic to be wrong, I want them right about me becoming a soldier, I really want to be a stable man.

I remember my blog was called as bottles-uncapped due to expression like "I bottle up my feelings", means I plan not to hide anger etc. it's really difficult this time, at this age then I don't receive money from my parents, why they let such thing be then I remember "it's actually nothing wrong about it" in view of others, about the strictness of money. How can I guarantee I won't buy cig. with money received? Why the difficult life been 17 years then schizophrenic moments are not trusted moment of getting money? Why schizophrenic is so bad that no spiking of medicines occur for me? 17 years is too long, then the story of psychic that baby will be sick if I have baby, then my age isn't it too late? I want to get married to have lineage a.s.a.p like a child-like feelings or anger or tantrum? Isn't money the way of life like I can just go out to places and think something else? I feel like going to woodlands jetty this time to take fresh air but the bicycle have no gear, but it's to exercise anyway, it would be heavy to cycle, it's new matter in my mind.

I remember I threw new things before, and my family throw a lot of things that I ever bought expensive in my eyes, then they feel it's nothing doesn't it mean they have money? Why can't I just be saving up with money I want then I keep in my bank making myself feel richer outside? I remember 1 of the time I was warded is because I have no money and drink away from cold storage, then cantonment for 1 day and i.m.h, means they don't consider me as theft? I went out without money alone outside searching for my Soulmate.

I'm let to miss my Soulmate (S), and went to her old house(I assume she shifted C.C.K) at Bedok Reservoir walking around outside. My family don't worry because of Selawat to me when I was still inside tummy of my mother? Why they let me miss my soulmate and I walk so far to Bedok Reservoir?

Neighbour don't have to reply though but if want to respond by letters is okay too. It would be funny like emotional writing then live so close.

The belief about Recitation is really that strong that "actually there's nothing wrong me with me" in belief then isn't schizophrenic behaviour something Physical to surrounding people and a kind of Image on Me? I really hope they try discover ways to heal me rather than recitations(that I would still try as I want to become Wali Allah) to recover. I don't know why I get Schizophrenia and loss of moments for 17 years in my life then everyone seems normal or even (could be angry I did not work), like there's no nicer way of talking(about last year when I did not take medication and never work for so long).

The fact of the cleaner job is really hard, the backpain for just few seconds of doing it is bad, but I don't know the training is doing what. I really hope for a soldier job or easier task.

Soulmate Shortcuts?

I don't know I feel like leaving my post up and not delete them, I think if I experience a lie detector if I wanted to Molest, I'm still correct answer as "No" and I like to try the lie detector, like asking if my Soulmate is .., then they can ask Wali Allah and psychic they definitely will say the same thing? I feel like I know my Soulmate, I don't know if it's schizophrenic or not because I can't really remember well what psychic would say, I really want an end, to meet my Soulmate and have Babies Later Age as if have fast Baby Will Fall Sick Everytime "Because of Smoking", there's definitely a way like why not psychic and Wali Allah plan for me the dates with my Soulmate won't it be nice, then can guarantee have no babies this way?

It feels like Police will get involve as I think "my Soulmate is .." etc. then what would I feel, why are they letting it be like not matching me up other than "if too early baby will sick everytime"? I know there can be a way to be outside together with my Soulmate while they being psychic will believe I still will have Baby, why is my life like this then, can't I just be happy with my Soulmate a different way?

How will it happen that I get in touch with my Soulmate after 17 years being alone? Will she read my blog? Is there no way to allow us to Whatsapp or SMS each other at least? Why is my life like this?

I think Soulmate Shortcut is Lie Detector and Proven Way That Someone Actually Reads Me Other Than Thinking If Have A Stalker Means Not Schizophrenic But Someone Just Monitoring if I Would Write Any Nonsense.

When is the faster end to this? Is it June Next Year As I'm 38 Years Old I Will Be Happy Does It Mean I Will Meet Or Contact My Soulmate? Will Psychic or Wali Allah Tell Me What I Will Be Happy About?

I Hope It Becomes a Multiple Happiness: Become a Soldier, Understand to Speak Mandarin, Understand To Read Arabic, O-Level Plans Confirmed Kind Of Talks or Discussion With Family, Get In Touch With Soulmate, I Become A Wali Allah, Suddenly Really A lot Of Money, My Family Talk On Ways They Think I Can Recover More, I Not Jobless If Not Soldier - A Fix Healthy Job That I Do More Than 6 Months, Cured From Schizophrenia, Really Buy A House

I Really Hope It's The End Like That, In January I Would Read Iqra Last Page Many Times To Memorize Arabic Language Spoken Ways, Like Alif Is A(As In "Ah") I(As In Alphabet "E") U(As In "You"), Means Understanding A(As In "Ah"), I(As In Alphabet "E") Can Understand The Rest As Replacing Into "I" and "U".

I hope my brother gives me money too on November and December so I Have More, Life's Hard I Think I Can't Survive Well, I Really Got My $100 Of I.M.H Research Today And I'm Happy About It, I Hope I Survive Well This Year, December Is Just 1 Month+ Away and It's Like Imagination of 6 Months To Go(Until 38 Years Old) To Recover.

I Think My Memory Really Makes Quitting of Cig., It's For A Healthy Baby That I Don't Know Why They Can't Confirm Me Contacting My Soulmate, I Really Have To Be Patient, Isn't 17 Years Patient Enough Already, Can't It Be Not 20 Years Too? I Hope They Have More Things To Say To Me Because If Not It's Just Telling Me To Eat Medicines.

Idea of Hybrid Fruit Farm

I have an idea to create this hobby of making hybrid fruit farms - to Share to Imam Mahdi and Kings Of Islam that Help The Palestine People, To Be Fair.

To Make a Group That "Split-Muslim" Into A Togetherness That Tells The Arab King if Help Palestine Will Get Hybrid Fruit Too. Why are they so rich and gold cars but not helping anyone? They have military and quantity of people. It's to detect who sincerely helps Muslims in this Difficult Era.

It Feels Like The Era of War Is Coming Nearer when I Remember I Will Become A Soldier in Technology Sector then Psychology Sector in My Country, By Psychic.

The Group To Be Named As "Sincerity" Maybe I Imagine if to Make, At least it represents true Sincerity. It's To Maintain about the Quran saying Muslim lebih untung, then To Have Hybrid Fruits Ready for The Farmers of It, The Investors Of It, and For Imam Mahdi Especially. If It's True Only 313 Muslim Will Be At War 1 Day, Why It's So Little and Few? Then Actually It's More Than Enough To Feed The 313 Special Fruits Higher Than The Lazy Rich People, That Can't Eat The Fruits.

Definitely if as A Soldier, I Became Anti-Terrorist Army, Then This Kind of Religious Mindset Is To Be Wary About Due To Terrorism, I Just Plan Of Splitting Muslim Into Community That Effort For The Strength of Imam Mahdi To Be Ready in Future of War.

My Technological Strength for My Country and Imam Mahdi Absolutely The Unknown Feature, and Psychological Strength Too, It Proves I Am Defending My Country and Will Never Become a Terrorist To Help Imam Mahdi.

If I'm Richer I Plan to Make A lot of Hybrid Fruit Farms To Maintain as "Muslim lebih untung" That Helps Palestine, and Not Some Arabs That Are Billionaire But Show Off Instead of Helping People.

My Energy of My Remaining Life Is Planned By Me To Be Doing Good For The True Muslims People, This is the best Plan to Split Muslim Immediately and Focus On Making The Arabs Fight "For Palestine For The Hybrid Fruits", I Plan 1 Investor to Only Have Pictures of Hybrid Fruits to Make Them Help, Then It's Like A Sacrifice of Not Telling Location of The Fruits, To Make Arabs Involve and Help Muslims Worldwide.

Difficulty in My Life To Suffer for 17 Years, Is Maybe Like The War Palestine Felt for So Long, I've Been Alone For So Long, Lonely and Bored Life, A lot of Silence, I Truly Think It's Fair If I Meet My Soulmate Earlier Too and Become a Wali Allah Like a Fair Trade of Pain.

I Hope Psychics and Wali Allah Helps Me About My Plan About Hybrid Fruit Farms.

"Sincerity" Translated In Malay "Keikhlasan" Just To Strengthen the Future Army of Imam Mahdi, It Doesn't Matter if People Think "Why Split Muslims?" it's Like How Other Sect of Islam Exist - Like Shia etc. I Think Naming Group For Our Goals In Togetherness of Muslim is The Best - At Least It Don't Become a "Group Name" Like a Sect But Goals.

I wonder if I will have any friends with this Plan of Mine, I've been Alone for 17 Years and No Friends, The N.S People Believed They Planted Black Magic On Me Proves They Really Ever Wanted Me To Suffer, I Really Have No Friends. I Hope My Family Support My Idea About This 1 Day. It's To Be Ready For The Future of Muslims' Strength, The Peace Between Israel and Palestine happened that they traded Prisoners Means The End of the World is Near? I think So, It's Rare That It Can Happen.

I Don't know Why I'm Like This, Am I Abit Insane? I Interfere if Life Plans of Muslims to Become Together Like This, It's Like A Movement to Trigger Togetherness and Helping Muslims Worldwide, It's Like My Schizophrenia Difficulty Nobody Helps Me With Cash At All And Made To Suffer Like A Palestine - Only Government Help By G.S.T And Assurance Package and My Family Ever Given Me Cash Abit. I Also Have Desire To Become A World Government Hacker, As I Can Do The Criteria of Degree(Hacking Into Computer By Own Initiative and Key Characters On It), This Means I'm Also Intelligent in My Own View.

Hopefully This is Not Schizophrenic, It's a Goal To Feel "Lebih Untung" No Matter How Difficult Personal Life Is, It's Clear To See "Memang Lebih Untung" As Get To Taste Hybrid Fruits.

Other Idea Is "Biscoff Lotus" Biscuit as Cheesecake, Definitely "Lebih Untung" Is Tasting Nice Food. I Just Want Sincerity To Be Different Than What We See - The Wear of Islam Can Be Bought Easily, But Sincerity Can't.

Today Going I.M.H Research

Today I'm going to the Research To Get $50 For Giving D.N.A Sample, I Think It's an Easy Money And Just Going For It.

Yesterday I Wrote of Ujian and Marriage, I Hope It Can Happen Sooner But I Think If I Quit Cig. Then It Can Happen Sooner, The Cause Of My Future Baby To Be Sick Everytime Or Not Is In My Own Hands.

The Reason Me And Soulmate Can't Meet Is Because Will Have Baby Sooner No Matter What I Suppose, I Plan if an Earlier Marriage Will Be Healthier For Me Having Supports In Life, I Also Remember Asking 1 of Psychic Doctors to Draw Face of My Soulmate That I Want To Keep, I Wonder When I Will Get It. I Plan if Don't Want Baby To Be Sick is To Have Baby At Later Age But Maybe Something Like Sooner Baby Will Still Happen Causing No Earlier Marriage. I wonder how can I keep such promise, my life been very lonely and alone.

I Hope I Get To Meet My Soulmate Earlier Because It Means Psychic Already Know Who's My Soulmate, I Somehow Think They Need To Confirm A Later Baby Then Doctor Will Let Me Know Whose My Soulmate?

I wonder how life can be smoother like keeping a promise to have a baby only at later age just to meet my soulmate earlier? Can it really happen? I really hope psychic is true about this. Then how about my Soldier Job, do I really have to train in cleaning for 3 hours 2 times a week? It's no allowance for the first month. It's $8 per week, and $32 for 1 month I calculated, for my ez link, I really hope I can do well and maintain healthy and strong(especially about the back pain when i wipe seat). It's just my mind that I have to do cleaning? It's not retardation I guess, I feel I think like I'm a bit Insane or just people understand schizophrenia more than me? If I'm abit insane doesn't it mean everyone else with schizophrenia thinks they are Abit insane before too?

I just hope I can do well in this, I want to be healthier in my life about jobs and earning, I remember quotes that create energy too, like to make more money in life as focus and not saving money. I feel abit sad how the Soldier Job information talk doesn't happen anymore, I think I have to learn to be Patient? Isn't 17 years alone is already Patient enough? Why is Allah like this to me? Will I become a Wali Allah because of This? Can't I become a Wali Allah before I understand to read Arabic Language? I want things to be fast, I want a soldier job, be a Wali Allah, be strong for my O-Level, Technological Jobscope in Army(psychic's knowledge) that I will change into Psychological Warfare Sector 1 day because Of Learning Psychology. I plan to learn psychology so to counter my Schizophrenia that I have, to be healthy about not having it anymore.

I hope I.M.H Research really Discover Ways to Heal Up Schizophrenia Faster Than Just Waiting For Medications Daily. Is There Really Other Ways? What about voltage treatment like points in body or on head, like acupuncture or acupressure? I really want to recover from schizophrenia it's so bad for me, I have no life because of it. What about the voltage that if somehow can connect our splitted minds(there's 2 memory in a schizophrenia, 1 is "not on medication" another is "on medication"), that's very low like wearing on head, I imagine the I.M.H Research if have such device will be cool then schizophrenia can remember everything and recover ownself faster maybe?

I hope today is smooth like not going toilets kind of rush and panic, I hate the feeling of panic I always have it, I think it's schizophrenia or just lack of knowledge like "what time will I go toilet tomorrow if today eat .." the estimation is needed in food we ate the day before? I ate a lot and still only some sh*t is weird I expect the end of panic and alot of big sh*t then it didn't happen like that. Hahaha.

I think 1 day to have a note about "sh*t estimation hours" then no panic feelings the next day because always knowing what time required to go toilet. I hope I become a psychic so I can have no worries about this kind of things too, about going toilet kind of panic will be removed from my heart totally.

Remember About Ujian Story

There was once a story that I would encounter the Last Ujian About A Lady from Wali Allah before I become a Wali Allah(as I asked: ape ujian terakhir tentang perempuan sebelum anas jadi Wali Allah), then the story is the Lady will be wearing White Sleeveless Dress, then inside the Bus, then due to being spiked I was Tested to Feel Urge, then I did not Molest the Girl, means I was successful, then I wonder "If I Become A Wali Allah after Truly Understanding To Read Arabic Language" or Have Became 1? The Feeling of Something At My Left Toe Was Also Felt that Was Told By Wali Allah, I Would Feel Like A Coat At Left Toe, Means The Wali Allah was Really True About This And He Knew It Like A Psychic Doctor(a Psychiatrist/Psychologist). The Story is if I Molested The Girl, The Girl Would Demand To Marry Me Instead And Would Have Children That Likes To Kick Head of Other Kids, It's Dangerous, When I Look At The Girl, I Was Thinking Of (S), Causing Some Interest to Look More, Due To The Skin Colour I Imagined Of (S). So It Happened Just Now And It Means I Won't Diuji About Girls Anymore, I Feel Glad It's The End, The Closeness Was Just At Shoulder and I Was At Seat At The Back.

Then Doesn't this Means I Will Become A Wali Allah Once I Know How To Read Arabic If I Did Not Become One Just Now?

I Definitely Remember That "Everytime I back Home From Becoming A Soldier(a job), I Would Learn to Read Arabic Language" as Story of Another Wali Allah, This Means I Would Know Arabic By Age of 38 and Become A Wali Allah By Then? I Really Hope So Because I Really Want My Soulmate, I Being No Idea Of What To Do Really Need Such Power Like A Psychic.

This Also Means That: Since I Plan it to be Next Year Or Sooner, It Means I Truly Will Become A Soldier Then The News About It is Not Around Yet, But Psychic and Wali Allah Been Correct About My Life. I Hope It Happens Sooner.

27 Oct Jobclub

It felt heavy to think about Cleaning as Job Training, Life is Sure Boring, It's 1 Month to Train 1 Day.

I just have to believe in jobclub if not the doctor won't place me there, just now just wiping the chair seat my back became in pain, I really bad in cleaning. I know I must do this, it's really like the end is close, because I should be a soldier already by November and December? But if psychic is wrong about it, I end up a Lobby Crew job at Restaurant like McDonalds?

I can't believe this, I'm just doing what I can to believe doctor is my main focus, the boredom is real, the difficulty exist, will I become a better man? I really hope the soldier job appear soon, I know the 6 months job is that as psychic knowledge or Wali Allah told me, there's 2 different type of souls then the same answer - I will become a Soldier, that's all I've decided.

I became such a weak person, even cleaning felt painful at the back, it was 26mins only to finish in 45mins, the training is 3 hours in future I wonder what I would feel like, is it a continuous cleaning for 3 hours? I really hope I become a better man and do this well.

I really just want the job as a soldier and ends this stress in my mind, it's still 3 or 4 days to go until November, I know it will happen as I believe psychic and Wali Allah. But Soldier maybe is easier than cleaning? I know I must do well, soldier maybe a lot of walking around I imagine a lot of ease and easy jobs, while cleaning is backpain. I am worry about my future but I have energetic quotes like no pain no gain read on my Facebook, "no rich parents just hard work", I really have to do this thing, even if my parents don't give me money, it's only 1 month 2 days a week, then the start of receiving allowance for 3 hours work, $6/hr, it's $18/day, I really must do this well it's the only supported path that have someone close to monitor my strength.

Whatever it is, I hope soldier job appear in November this year. At least they recruit whatever qualification, I read require diploma to become a soldier. My life is really bad I just want to become someone stable.

Today my mother cooks chicken with sambal it's nice anyway, I feel like eating again, the chicken I ate was so small but I ate egg with sambal too, I want a sleep kind of feelings as nothing to do, like just finish the day from this boredom.

Today the excitement of using data was only awhile, I took video of outside Octave Jobclub as my Occupational Therapist wasn't around yet, I really love Simba Company, the feeling is fun of having something like this, it's like an asset to be happy about. I hope I have nicer plans in future to use my Data.

Rush of Plans

I think the readers are a type that only checking my mental health condition, I can't believe I'm being alone like this, being alone about this life journey and experience, if to think if my family cares, when I was in ward they visit and bring food and drinks, they definitely care how my life feels bored inside.

The only thing I can survive this boredom is it only exercising? Mandarin language? Iqra earlier? There's nothing else? Should I learn more languages to feel better? What about Tamil language, I'm a Singaporean anyway?

The lack of money definitely causing this, the worry of occupational therapist is if I finish my money, I wonder about that too, how am I going to survive just walking around in house and writing to feel ease, then I kept forgetting that spikes made me feel bad not other things. I need a hobby other than writing as a hobby.

Life of others seems good, my mother became active user of phone, at least she have a life and interest, maybe it's anhedonia causing me like this, like lifeless, nothing really interesting but plans of using what I have, it's like a waste to have so many GB then not use them, I should go out or not?

I would spend on last page of Iqra to memorize everything just like that 1 day, to understand the alphabets. I wonder if I really would do well, seeing my future as someone who understands to speak Mandarin language and know how to read Arabic language really is fun to become, I really am excited about it, I think it's just the spike feeling haven't gone away it makes me feel uneasy when resting, then can't sleep in the day it's odd, how to pass my time? I wonder why I'm usually panic, is it the hotness from eating sambal and chilli with keropok? The panic rush in my heartbeat, it makes me feel uneasy to live my life.

I've been on Facebook reading quotes to energize myself about life. I don't know why they don't talk about marriage in a way that's protecting my desire(the girls), I feel unwell because like nobody cares about me. I live like alone in this harshness of schizophrenia that only I feel, ice cubes and coldness imagined as something that will comfort me, maybe it's really the chilli with keropok. I'm turning 38 years old and have nothing to do, can't work because will quit - at least occupational therapist understands then why my family are just living life like nothing is happening or bad about my life? I think of needing to be Patient, I wonder how it's been 17 years my life been nothing kind of man.

I feel like going down but for how long will I be resting? It's like I can end up hanging out with anyone due to the loneliness in this life.

I'm like forced to only be able to do this kind of things in life, money restriction is really unhealthy maybe?

I wonder when I will have friends again to be using Whatsapp at this age(37 yrs old), I forgot my age due to memory loss that caused the 17 years to pass like nothing, then still thinking I'm around 20 years old. I feel bad I'm so old and useless man. Education definitely a different life for me 1 day, I can't be working dishwasher everytime from jobclub 1 day, as it's Said as easiest to get. I hope I know what to do for my life to be better.

The feelings of zikir

I wonder why people feel peace when zikir isn't it the same like normal? The problem when zikir can recite wrongly like "Ya Jabbar, Wajburni", becoming "Wajbukni" "wabujni", then I try to slow down to recite in correctly in my heart/mind.

I really want the outcome that is said about a zikir, I wonder the happiness is an incoming thing in life? It's not the feeling straight when zikir? I wonder like this.

I just remembered back, I ever planned this before and did it before too just was not continuous like this time, the boring feeling maybe because I eaten Sambal? It causes it maybe?

People say Zikir creates peace, so I guess it's my schizophrenia causing disturbances in my mind and health, I wonder why Wali Allah have no power to just heal a schizophrenic person, a psychic requires medicine for schizophrenia too.

I just want the feelings like people say about it, I wonder what those normal health feels like when they zikir, they definitely been lucky, me just maybe so many years unlucky ever since zikir exist in my life?

I think medication will create the peace needed, and actually without medicines the heat can become 1 of a kind, it's hot from anger from the voices so clear making me think exist "voice-senders" somewhere. The fear from the stress created also existed in the past without medication, now I remember correctly. Why schizophrenic can feel a different temperature? It's matter of the heart? Our feelings?

It's like total of 4 months I've been on medication, 1.5mths in ward and 73 days outside ward(close to 2.5mths in 2 days), I definitely am doing well hopefully fixated to eating the medication with a good occupational therapist knowing I can't work yet. Sad how we can't get a stable job from Jobclub though, wonder what's my life becoming then, I'm still hopeful for the Soldier job.

It's the 2nd post due to boredom felt in heart, I wonder what I should do, I would exercise later then my life back to zikir and walking around again, I really have no life, it's like so much in a rush my heart always in a panic to settle something or "having something not settled"(in my mind: like the schedule).

I wonder why I don't acquire the peace from zikir like others, it maybe causes them to zikir a lot more as peace is a pleasure. Maybe I became mistaken about a drug pleasure as peacegiver thinking zikir is something peaceful must feel it too?

I end up lying down due to feeling weak, or I think too fast got bored too early? Really have nothing to do in my life. Even Learning Iqra I plan it to be January, it's because some kind of bad feelings due to schizophrenia or anhedonia I think? Why is my health like this? Is the spike not ending yet, when I think again it's only around 2.5mths outside ward, it would end 3 or 4 months, it's still days to go, maybe some knew first I haven't recovered from the spike.

Hopeful

Hopeful for a nicer life, yesterday zikir "Ya Jabbar, Wajburni" like entire day until sleeping time, I hope the happiness from zikir is true and real, this zikir meant to give happiness to us, I continue until I wake up.

Dreamt of Monopoly Yesterday.

I hope somehow I can become someone just knowing what to do to settle the pain in my life, to erase the pain, then hopefully become a Wali Allah just from zikir morning until night, yesterday I did this and glad I'm successful about it, I hope this continues until months and years, only thinking of "Ya Jabbar, Wajburni" everytime hopefully my sadness goes away too.

I hope there's easier way than knowing to read Arabic language to become Wali Allah, I will definitely repeat Iqra Book 1(Last Part) for 1 month in January everyday, to remember the alphabets and sounds. I want to know how to read quite desperately as I want my Soulmate, I will definitely learn properly.

I want to feel the version of Islam that's peaceful but maybe it's due to Anhedonia I don't feel happy or pleasured as much as before like listening to Ceramah was a pleasure then Anhedonia created it boring, I used to like listening Warna F.M Every Morning.

Today I hope it gets lighter in my heart whenever something(a schedule) settles, tomorrow there's Jobclub and 28th October There's I.M.H Research, I hope my strength is above average to go and hope I enjoy my day doing what's needed, I really want to become a successful person 1 day, I can't live like until old age to be a Dishwasher, I definitely want to do well in Jobclub for a fixed job, but still hope for the Soldier Job.

I think there's only 4-5 readers of my blog, I imagine writing-collector, and the rest like (R) and Epul then, what about (W), (A), and (S) maybe it's like that, there was only 4 one of the day then the main page of my blog was viewed, maybe they view a different method, I don't know I'm made not to know who reads me, guess just my life's luck even with Nice Simba Plan still nothing to use it on, luckily the number is so damn nice to keep it.

I hope my life becomes peaceful as I settle schedules, and hope I earn from Jobclub nicely and peacefully too. I just worry of the energy that I may loss, and it's $4 each trip and back home from "I.M.H", it's really like $80 if imagine a month of 5 days each week, I really hope can earn faster or get well faster to earn faster, the panic feelings is quite rushy is normal in eyes of Occupational Therapist saying I can't work yet because will Quit in the End, I hope my health appear back somehow so I can work normally.

Semoga zikir boleh buat kite jadi Wali Allah instead of knowing Arabic Language too. I just want my heart to rest and feel and total peace, Schizophrenia maybe a sickness that create loss of peace, it is why I want a standard of peace like we all hear about Islam and Quran, my mind maybe a mess? At least something.

Trying to remember

If I remember it will be on news in November that there will be a soldier recruitment for December, and it's for people around my age. I hope it's true why no one energizes me about this, my family don't remember what doctor said.

I have entire next year to learn reading Arabic language, estimating 2 months per book to memorize Iqra, to become 1 year, or 1 month per book, then it's 6 months, 38 years old able to read Arabic language, I hope I can do this well.

My energy is like to zikir "Ya Jabbar, Wajburni" everyday, and on Friday to Selawat a lot. Other than than, "Alhamdulillah Binuri Muhammad" everyday for 30 times and sometimes "lailahailla anta subhanaka ini kuntu minaz zalimin", I hope I become a Wali Allah somehow to know how to get my Soulmate, I know the first required thing is to know Arabic first then have a chance to be a Wali Allah, but I want to be one faster, maybe to zikir like this. First one is for happiness, 2nd is to be liked and 3rd is for difficulties I'm having. Funny but true I want to become a Psychic or Wali Allah so my heart is at peace, it's difficult if have to know Arabic first, I wonder why the rule like that.

I'm low on energy about Jobs, I'm just hopeful Jobclub is not boring for me and I want to do well in it.

I haven't done Mandarin Language Part 27 yet, still waiting for a nicer feeling, if cig. really causing this it's hard I just need to quit cig. I know it will happen 1 day.

I'm still energetic about Soldier Job, I see to apply require diploma at least, I will need to Do My O-Level then Diploma or A-Level then degree I feel this way, I want my life to be a successful man, if it have to be a long way(if doctors not true that no one knocks door to recruit into soldier), I am willing to go through it too. It's the only nice path to feel manly, If I remember correctly, the 6months job I will be doing is As A Soldier, the answer of Doctor that's a psychic, means I should become a soldier but I have no confidence of them appearing to recruit at all, why Doctor let me wait like this, it's like I don't believe about my number then doctor is true, then why can't I just become a psychic and know too, isn't it more comforting?

Another Boring Day

I don't know what to do, if advert like nuffnang in the past exist at least would be earning 20 cents per click of advertisement. There's really no other income for me, I can only think of easy cash like Dishwashing but I want to rely on Jobclub only now.

I think in the past it was Daily like this too until the boredom ends when I met (A), she makes my life peaceful when she appeared then now she's gone really schizophrenia did a lot to me like losing my happiness and my family don't care or worry if other guys might get her.

Then I started blogging when I met her, to increase the reason to be online as I feel there's nothing to do except for gaming if computers, I remember I planned my Instagram to be heyiaq as i.d then I lost memory, medications made me remember again, this is so many years ago like 17 years. It was our plan together then I used "anasqai" instead as username. She stopped using her Instagram after that I can't find her anymore now, I don't know where she's gone in life. It was something like mine sounds like sh*t instead and I felt I was called sh*t during my schizophrenic moment at that time. I pity (A), she's so innocent she didn't even know I have schizophrenia, me too I did not remember I had schizophrenia and ever been warded before, wow my life now remembering such things, maybe after I have taken enough medication a lot of memories will come back then I became able to work again? I think I'm remembering slowly as I type this. Wow why is my memory actually so good, it's like I can do O-Level without worry already, like I will be super strong in Education, I ever thought there was "voice-sender" to make me remember stuff, then I now discovered it's actually been my memory that's so strong.

I'm really sad if there's no soldier application moment on November or December, I know it's somewhere around this 2 months, I check at YouTube like "Soldier Recruitment November" and see nothing about Singapore's Recruitment, it's only about India. I have 3 more days until the Octave Jobclub again, I hope I would be energetic about it, and healthy with strength more than enough too, I wonder how they know I can't work yet, occupational therapist is like a specialist I think.

Today I'm waiting for my parents to be home hopefully they buy Ramly Burger at Johor, I crave for it, it's been quite a long time since I ate one(it was Anaqi's birthday but it was beef I think then it's not normal).

I hope it's only 3 writings per day next time, as the readers are like collector-type then I actually have no one to chat with as fact, I was wondering who reads secretly, but like have someone else knowing my date of ward 30June-15Aug onwards I may have a blog after that, usually it's like that, I just remembered this part of my life.

I don't know what I should do running out of money soon, I bought clothes then I don't even know where to go out I just know I want to go out, then I ran out of ideas and plan, but it makes me healthier and happier person anyway. I hope I remember when I planned to take O-Level, it feels like year 2027 as fact. If it's like that it's really this and next year is soldier recruitment, I wonder why psychic knows but not in news, it's like my Number from New Company, but psychics knew first that I would be the one using, and it's been many months or years since people sign-up and randomly picking number, then finally my one then it matches the psychics' statement(of my number), wow I'm amazed and believe in psychics after that, but now just hoping psychic is right again maybe because I don't really remember well.

Side-Effects?

Cig. have side-effect that creates missing someone to become even more?

I wonder my life if not missing anyone too much I would be a stronger person?

I'm listening to Gold F.M imagining life that I desire, it's usually song about love, sometimes I listen to Kiss F.M Too, about love too, it's like ambitious couple lifestyle in my imagination I wonder how to get it with my Soulmate. Feeling Sad must listen to music anyway, it's the missing someone kind of feeling.

Why if they're so beautiful and not married then my soulmate don't know she's my soulmate? Why is life like that? It's not normal beautiful people not married there's definitely something wrong like the soulmate is me as fact. I believe something like this, I am on medication so I don't know if it's schizophrenic or not.

(S) Been on my mind since kindergarten days, I don't know how I can normalize myself, (W) since my B.M.C Days and (A) since my N.S Days, I'm solo life always think of them as peaceful for me. I wonder how I can get my Soulmate, blog is the only chance she gets hinted about my feelings.

I'm so bored at home, thinking of food and my life if will become a soldier soon, I'm waiting for November if have any news about Soldier Recruitment, I'm just excited about it hoping psychic is true again. It's hard to believe Soldier recruitment will happen, it's like I will apply to become a Soldier instead of them knocking doors, I wonder if psychic is true about this I really hope it's not next year.

I wonder what I should do, I feel like cycling now, missing people in my heart too, quitting smoking keeps becoming the decision to feel much more stable I guess - about missing someone in heart.

What makes them not contact me at all? Isn't it schizophrenia that created me like a kind of nonsense talk? Why is everyone okay about it, isn't it that a man could possibly be touching them? I guess I am Abit insane in belief that there's no effort to get them into "nobody touches"? Why there's no effort to get the girls I want in my life? Why am I let difficult life other than worry of using money to be buying cig. instead?

Quran became a said thing, that they like but the chances of men touching them is higher than me Reading Quran? Why are they doing like this to my life? Are there no Psychic or Wali Allah that will help me get my Soulmate? Why are girls let be like that with the chances of having other men into their life like this? It's definitely like an Insane decision being happy if I love to read the Quran than a man touching them, why they don't think of chances at all? I'm let be missing them with many years of memory loss then there's no way to confirm no other men touches them? Why am I like this? Isn't like a marriage wear already worrying enough?

Schedule weight

I remember it's $2 to and back from I.M.H, my EZ-Link runout quickly, but the end of pain is definitely close, a continuous job that earns money and I get to live my life normally hopefully.

I hope that I become stronger for my life experiences to be better, maybe it's just this current mood now, other days I will feel better? Maybe it's too early in the morning it's 8.07am now, then I'm blogging, blogging supposed to be afternoon I think or at night.

I don't know how I can be peaceful, is it Meditation? How long does people actually meditate per day?

My diary app. keeps popping up to write, I don't really have anything to write other than the records of 50th and 60th day medication outside ward, just as memory of achievement that I maybe will paste on my wall.

I just creating self-energy to work on Monday about the cleaning assessment, I don't know if will get any $6/hr for it, it's just assessment, I forgot what the occupational therapist said, maybe it's during training only will get $6/hr. It's definitely easy job anyway if it's $6/hr. I just hope my health is fine on that day and other days about jobclub in future. Maybe doctor calculated as Fine then actually it's okay as doctor is a psychic.

Life will be easier 1 day. It's been 20 years long having a difficult schizophrenia maybe in fact it's been since secondary school days. I don't know why my memory came back it's just the weight of life from schizophrenia is a lot.

I want to try learning Iqra now or even memorizing the sounds of Arab Alphabets, then I remember have Mandarin Language too, better Mandarin First and Arab will be focused kind of learning 1 day. It's really 1 year to do this, I definitely can learn Arabic language in 1 year, what if Iqra 1 month each book kind of repeats will I remember too maybe? Total is 12 months, they have 6 books I think. Then I should be able to read Arabic language after that. My goal to become just a Quran reader daily as a peace of mind(as they said reading Quran gives peace) will definitely come true, I really don't know how to get my soulmate is why.

I hope doctor support my learning journey like giving tips etc. definitely psychic knows more of what I need to understand what I want.

This means I have next year all by myself, with jobs to do and not O-Level yet, then I have time to read first about O-Level but then to pray to have the syllabus like bad if "learn wrongly" too, maybe only Mathematics & Science Formula will needed?

What else can I do in life to make it better? I still have no friends yet for my plan of w.w.f.g, it's just an area of interest about the unknown world of entity and ghosts. I really want to know what can be captured, even if usually nothing maybe it's our imagination that scares us? Why do we feel like that anyway?

Nothing to Do

I can't find what's nice to do, everyday it's like this, I'm meant to feel bored? Have I passed the recovery moments yet? If I can't work yet, means I'm meant to be feeling like this?

I still think of (S) daily since Kindergarten days, I wonder how I dare to be like this but it's the only communication path/way/chances, I don't know if she will be nicely contacting me at all.

I pity (A) that have to go through the same story of my life in the past, about (S), but then the 2nd time she's gone from my life. I think only my plans of O-Level can make her contact me back somehow? Everytime my 161 Passby her block I kept thinking of my luck with her if will ever meet again. (W) Too, she contacted me at 36 yrs old I think or it was 33 years old? I don't remember, means she's actually not married yet, maybe my Soulmate anyway?

I don't know how my life became messy, I can't hold onto anyone it's like I feel bad at that time as I'm having schizophrenia anyway, the memory loss was real then it's hard to believe such thing exist, that memory loss people had to be me? I loss my life pleasure chances with girls just like that? I don't know how to get them back, only know their houses, the only luck is if my parents helps maybe.

I am thinking how I can live life peacefully, it's still hard to read the Arabic language, and I wonder when I will try my best about it if I kept feeling bored when learning. Quran definitely my goal as in the end I don't think like I will get married with anyone, nobody appeared in my life anymore.

I wonder how to become a psychic or Wali Allah, they just know things about future and the world, I want to become one too. If I can be one, I just have something in mind like "how can I get my soulmate?", why life's hard for me? Why do I have to effort if think my soulmate will know that she's my soulmate? Isn't it that soulmate actually knows each other? Why does Allah let me go through all these?

I think of just doing whatever scheduled for me to do as the only thing left to do in life, then how about "getting job myself", why there's no suitable job that I will work at least 6 months at? Why did I become a weak man in life? Men grow to become stronger. Then I'm still ambitious soldier, like will apply with my N Level and Bad N.S Records? I wonder how I just want such life of a stable-looking man. I desire the health, medicines definitely the right way I'm doing, I will be fine in life I hope this isn't too long. The waiting been so long, I've been wanting to further my education long time ago knowing my memory loss will occur many years too, I wonder why it's like this - I know but I can't do anything else, sometimes I wish and hope I'm really just a foetus looking outside at projected images to tummy of my mother that I actually haven't loss any experiences with my soulmate yet, I want my soulmate happy with me.

I'm certain this year the end?

It's either job by jobclub or soldier job that they will knock door. I remember that psychic doctor said required to enter jobclub to "hit the spot". I think it's something that will help my recovery, because "if December means don't need to enter jobclub only have November will waste money", something like this my thoughts.

I really hope it's true, soldier jobs wow, then being sent to U.S.A to learn Technology Stuff, I'm finally like A Man? A Soldier? I'm too old but if Soldier it makes me feel younger again, it's like Still Young to Achieve A lot more in Life.

I don't have anything else in mind now if I write it's definitely a repeat. My life is so empty without lover, if I had any I was not quite capable yet, the schizophrenia, the money, I was not strong enough yet, the break-up was nice for their happiness as with me will be seeing me in difficulty it would sadden them more maybe, remember I only recently use phone with this best number 80244202, hahaha, means in the past I can't work would be in difficulty to enjoy with my girlfriend due to schizophrenia and they would live a difficult life if I'm around, it's nice to think they live with more money without me.

If this year is the end - either by jobclub fixed job or soldier job, my happiness definitely can happen before 38 years old too, I just want a stability with income and be like a normal man that work, earn and sleep. Then able to save money before the said "38 years old", maybe I start saving at 37 years old because of jobclub. I really make myself happy and excited again by remembering such things could be true. Maybe it's really 38-41 yrs old is saving $50K but the road to 38 years old, some thousands would still be nice, it's still 8 months to go, and it's too early to work now as I will definitely quit, says the occupational therapist, I definitely agree, I feel weak but then I already went to work that time and my body/health made me quit, It was too rushy and I would probably feel rushy at other jobs and quit too.

I hope I become a much stable man, that's also not a smoker, I want to be healthier. A psychologist maybe if don't smoke I won't smoke too, maybe it's a doctor's decision to keep it known as bad, wonder why it's still for sale in shops then right? The benefit for soldiers is will feel manly and resting moment is smoking moment?

I see my life as have missed so many things and happenings, the road to 37 years old from 20 years old was a lot of memory loss and I kept not thinking of there's no more time left, I felt like have all the time in the world, it was bad, I wasted my time alot in life.

My idea to save money if a smoker is to be a tobacco pipe smoker, then I think I will quit cig. just because wanting a degree and fixed stable job, I think I remember doctor said it's around 3 months to not want cig. anymore if quit cig.? I hope doctor's right again. It would be nice if doctor don't make me feel too much like a patient and just help me with a lot of answers that I need in life, like "what jobs I will work for 6 months straight?", I really want a shortcut to just work it, but jobclub is the plan of doctor I still believe. Wonder what is it requiring "to hit the spot", is it my memory? Is it my believing towards doctors will increase? Is it a psychic thing like something I will remember again that doctor ever said? It's definitely the end of stress once I settle at jobclub - they know best when I can start working again.

Remembering Abit of Happiness

Wow, it's truly like this coming December is the Recruitment of Soldiers, I really will join, it's like in my memory, I hope it's not Dec 2026, I feel like I know it's December due to Psychic Said It In My Dream-or-Reality.

I Hope Anhedonia doesn't End My Future Stable Job, I really hope I do well as a Soldier 1 Day. I wonder when they will start talking about it on news, is it November? Wow it's finally the end of stress, to have a fixed job as a soldier is something of my desire. Then its maybe year 2027 I will take my O-Level? I wonder when, I know I will take it due to feeling too far behind many people in life, about life gains.

The Soldier job if I remember by psychic, I will be sent to U.S.A to learn Technological Stuff and gain certificates, I'm definitely happy. It's like my memory of my phone number, psychic knew first I would be using this randomly picked phone number, and it's a new Company too - Simba, considered new. I feel happy of my future like that.

I feel like cycling around but I have no energy about doing such fun, it's like a boring feeling. I wonder what kind of jobs I will do as a Soldier, I'm really anything as long as a Soldier Status, some people joined by applying it looks tempting but will think of Drills, but then if they knock doors to recruit maybe it's something Lighter? I'm very excited and have November to wait and until end of October, I hope this waiting ends sooner, I hope it's not 2026 December, it really feels like December 2025.

Wow, I wonder how long more I have to wait. I just hope the psychic is true again this time, then this year I've got everything settled, does it mean I won't dye my hair? I have a hairdye not used yet because my hair is not quite long yet. This is because I'm becoming a soldier?

My mother cooks fried noodle just now it's nice with cheese fishcake. I was thinking there's a way to know faster about my future but only if doctor tells me things again, I hope he does show off psychic power.

Thinking it's only $50 This October 28 about I.M.H Research then have $200 More To Go As Have Other Research, I'm quite wanting the end of this stress of money, I wish December comes faster somehow, the feeling like November to feel painless kind of wish and hope it's fast. The Jobclub is like a secret stress, it's $4 to and back home then the earning of $6/hr i forgot when it will start, because next week is only cleaning assessment? Hope I don't run out of money too quickly, or my brother gives me money again on November.

Anhedonia Stress

The Feeling of My Interest Really Gone From Me, Like Gaming, Ramadan, I'm Energetic Abit To Ask Doctor How Can I Feel Ramadan Like I Used To Next Year, It's Supposed To Be Calming At Night and Feel Different, Anhedonia Creates The Loss Of Pleasure From Enjoying Something Meaningful Will Be Bad For Me, I Wonder If I Should Just Buy St. John's Wort for Anhedonia or Wait For Doctors' Method Which I Prefer. Won't I Feel Like Self-Medicating if my Method Really Works?

I wonder why doctor let it be, the addiction to games to not be having it maybe? But why including Ramadan too? I feel nothing during Ramadan, the energy to listen to Ustaz every morning like Gone Too, I became into a lot of pleasure loss, I really want to enjoy myself in life.

I should've been very energetic in learning mandarin language, but I skip a day like nothing, it's like I don't mind missing 1 day if I don't feel well, it's just too unwell to enjoy learning sometimes.

If I remember correctly, the soldier recruitment is really December this year, I hope anhedonia doesn't take away my life ambition. I know I will be happy at 38 years old, but how can it be earlier? I haven't discovered what I would bicycle a lot at night for too. I know the buying of hoodie is meant for bicycling at night, why doctors won't just be straightforward to me about this? Wow doesn't this mean my Anhedonia is gone by the time I'm 38 years old? Means I will be recovered truly from Schizophrenia. It's truly exciting but I hope like an information about the soldier recruitment appears early November even. This also means I will feel pleasure again during Ramadan 38 years old onwards. Means somehow I will feel fixed. Is it doctors' medicine that will help me against Anhedonia? I just want to recover quickly.

It was like excitement of having something then I forgot my plans in life, or run out of money, life really sucks like this. I don't know what I can do to make myself feel better but just exercising, really feel like no life.

Done for Jobclub

It Was Like Interview, Next Week Is "Cleaning Assessment" in Jobclub, It's pricey so I think it's a 100% to get a job through there, training is $6/hr allowance I really hope I will be fine.

I hope it's December the Soldier recruitment as this is definitely boring, I really want to stick my life into a stable identity then I'm done. It really feels like December this year, I can't wait to be happier person already, something is going to happen to Singapore then they will be doing a lot of door-knocking recruitment. I hope it's not a dream but reality of psychic knowledge.

I'm currently waiting for rice to cook, I'm hungry and eating yesterday's quail eggs sambal quite happy feelings now for it.

The occupational therapist said that dishwashing would be easy to get I definitely want to work dishwasher other than data entry, I can't wait my life to end into a higher stability confidence.

Just now I was surprised my ez-link finished then I used $2 note to ride bus, luckily have money just now.

I really hope life is really like my imagination and soldier job is December, I know I will do it, usually the nice news surprises are like that like a wish come true. After feeling complete, I only have to do my O-Level then feeling higher completion in life. The goal is to have at least a degree in life. It's like hard to achieve, my life, because of schizophrenia.

I don't want to be at loss in life, I really want to achieve greatly in my life, I just hope it's not too late. Jobclub interview was quite long I hope I get a nice job from it, their nice support is visiting on first day, first week and first month of work, it's really cool have such things. Really like a disabled person, the Occupational Therapist Claimed I can't work yet i may quit like it happened, then I guess it's true, maybe it's too early to work.

I don't know how I will gain energy to be a soldier job or O-Level but it's definitely after my recovery I would feel like normal health like everyone else, then I can do it. How does psychic knows my number, there will be soldier recruitment by knocking doors all these? I think it's interesting and would be nice if know more psychic stuff. Will really want to become a psychic too as will know "future number" of person(myself) that's randomly picked, it's so cool.

I admitted to occupational therapist that I blog and smoke when stress and this are the daily actions I do like exercising as well, as she wants to know, I think they know anyway somehow from psychic doctors, just glad there's no ward entry occurrences because of smoking anymore, the past was harsh maybe it's really not taking medication causing it, nobody likes to stay in ward.

I'm waiting with hope the applications to become a soldier be faster in my life, I just want to end my stress to have a fixed job as a soldier then feeling stable and completing my life.