Hopeful

Hopeful for a nicer life, yesterday zikir "Ya Jabbar, Wajburni" like entire day until sleeping time, I hope the happiness from zikir is true and real, this zikir meant to give happiness to us, I continue until I wake up.

Dreamt of Monopoly Yesterday.

I hope somehow I can become someone just knowing what to do to settle the pain in my life, to erase the pain, then hopefully become a Wali Allah just from zikir morning until night, yesterday I did this and glad I'm successful about it, I hope this continues until months and years, only thinking of "Ya Jabbar, Wajburni" everytime hopefully my sadness goes away too.

I hope there's easier way than knowing to read Arabic language to become Wali Allah, I will definitely repeat Iqra Book 1(Last Part) for 1 month in January everyday, to remember the alphabets and sounds. I want to know how to read quite desperately as I want my Soulmate, I will definitely learn properly.

I want to feel the version of Islam that's peaceful but maybe it's due to Anhedonia I don't feel happy or pleasured as much as before like listening to Ceramah was a pleasure then Anhedonia created it boring, I used to like listening Warna F.M Every Morning.

Today I hope it gets lighter in my heart whenever something(a schedule) settles, tomorrow there's Jobclub and 28th October There's I.M.H Research, I hope my strength is above average to go and hope I enjoy my day doing what's needed, I really want to become a successful person 1 day, I can't live like until old age to be a Dishwasher, I definitely want to do well in Jobclub for a fixed job, but still hope for the Soldier Job.

I think there's only 4-5 readers of my blog, I imagine writing-collector, and the rest like (R) and Epul then, what about (W), (A), and (S) maybe it's like that, there was only 4 one of the day then the main page of my blog was viewed, maybe they view a different method, I don't know I'm made not to know who reads me, guess just my life's luck even with Nice Simba Plan still nothing to use it on, luckily the number is so damn nice to keep it.

I hope my life becomes peaceful as I settle schedules, and hope I earn from Jobclub nicely and peacefully too. I just worry of the energy that I may loss, and it's $4 each trip and back home from "I.M.H", it's really like $80 if imagine a month of 5 days each week, I really hope can earn faster or get well faster to earn faster, the panic feelings is quite rushy is normal in eyes of Occupational Therapist saying I can't work yet because will Quit in the End, I hope my health appear back somehow so I can work normally.

Semoga zikir boleh buat kite jadi Wali Allah instead of knowing Arabic Language too. I just want my heart to rest and feel and total peace, Schizophrenia maybe a sickness that create loss of peace, it is why I want a standard of peace like we all hear about Islam and Quran, my mind maybe a mess? At least something.