The feelings of zikir

I wonder why people feel peace when zikir isn't it the same like normal? The problem when zikir can recite wrongly like "Ya Jabbar, Wajburni", becoming "Wajbukni" "wabujni", then I try to slow down to recite in correctly in my heart/mind.

I really want the outcome that is said about a zikir, I wonder the happiness is an incoming thing in life? It's not the feeling straight when zikir? I wonder like this.

I just remembered back, I ever planned this before and did it before too just was not continuous like this time, the boring feeling maybe because I eaten Sambal? It causes it maybe?

People say Zikir creates peace, so I guess it's my schizophrenia causing disturbances in my mind and health, I wonder why Wali Allah have no power to just heal a schizophrenic person, a psychic requires medicine for schizophrenia too.

I just want the feelings like people say about it, I wonder what those normal health feels like when they zikir, they definitely been lucky, me just maybe so many years unlucky ever since zikir exist in my life?

I think medication will create the peace needed, and actually without medicines the heat can become 1 of a kind, it's hot from anger from the voices so clear making me think exist "voice-senders" somewhere. The fear from the stress created also existed in the past without medication, now I remember correctly. Why schizophrenic can feel a different temperature? It's matter of the heart? Our feelings?

It's like total of 4 months I've been on medication, 1.5mths in ward and 73 days outside ward(close to 2.5mths in 2 days), I definitely am doing well hopefully fixated to eating the medication with a good occupational therapist knowing I can't work yet. Sad how we can't get a stable job from Jobclub though, wonder what's my life becoming then, I'm still hopeful for the Soldier job.

It's the 2nd post due to boredom felt in heart, I wonder what I should do, I would exercise later then my life back to zikir and walking around again, I really have no life, it's like so much in a rush my heart always in a panic to settle something or "having something not settled"(in my mind: like the schedule).

I wonder why I don't acquire the peace from zikir like others, it maybe causes them to zikir a lot more as peace is a pleasure. Maybe I became mistaken about a drug pleasure as peacegiver thinking zikir is something peaceful must feel it too?

I end up lying down due to feeling weak, or I think too fast got bored too early? Really have nothing to do in my life. Even Learning Iqra I plan it to be January, it's because some kind of bad feelings due to schizophrenia or anhedonia I think? Why is my health like this? Is the spike not ending yet, when I think again it's only around 2.5mths outside ward, it would end 3 or 4 months, it's still days to go, maybe some knew first I haven't recovered from the spike.