Rush of Plans

I think the readers are a type that only checking my mental health condition, I can't believe I'm being alone like this, being alone about this life journey and experience, if to think if my family cares, when I was in ward they visit and bring food and drinks, they definitely care how my life feels bored inside.

The only thing I can survive this boredom is it only exercising? Mandarin language? Iqra earlier? There's nothing else? Should I learn more languages to feel better? What about Tamil language, I'm a Singaporean anyway?

The lack of money definitely causing this, the worry of occupational therapist is if I finish my money, I wonder about that too, how am I going to survive just walking around in house and writing to feel ease, then I kept forgetting that spikes made me feel bad not other things. I need a hobby other than writing as a hobby.

Life of others seems good, my mother became active user of phone, at least she have a life and interest, maybe it's anhedonia causing me like this, like lifeless, nothing really interesting but plans of using what I have, it's like a waste to have so many GB then not use them, I should go out or not?

I would spend on last page of Iqra to memorize everything just like that 1 day, to understand the alphabets. I wonder if I really would do well, seeing my future as someone who understands to speak Mandarin language and know how to read Arabic language really is fun to become, I really am excited about it, I think it's just the spike feeling haven't gone away it makes me feel uneasy when resting, then can't sleep in the day it's odd, how to pass my time? I wonder why I'm usually panic, is it the hotness from eating sambal and chilli with keropok? The panic rush in my heartbeat, it makes me feel uneasy to live my life.

I've been on Facebook reading quotes to energize myself about life. I don't know why they don't talk about marriage in a way that's protecting my desire(the girls), I feel unwell because like nobody cares about me. I live like alone in this harshness of schizophrenia that only I feel, ice cubes and coldness imagined as something that will comfort me, maybe it's really the chilli with keropok. I'm turning 38 years old and have nothing to do, can't work because will quit - at least occupational therapist understands then why my family are just living life like nothing is happening or bad about my life? I think of needing to be Patient, I wonder how it's been 17 years my life been nothing kind of man.

I feel like going down but for how long will I be resting? It's like I can end up hanging out with anyone due to the loneliness in this life.

I'm like forced to only be able to do this kind of things in life, money restriction is really unhealthy maybe?

I wonder when I will have friends again to be using Whatsapp at this age(37 yrs old), I forgot my age due to memory loss that caused the 17 years to pass like nothing, then still thinking I'm around 20 years old. I feel bad I'm so old and useless man. Education definitely a different life for me 1 day, I can't be working dishwasher everytime from jobclub 1 day, as it's Said as easiest to get. I hope I know what to do for my life to be better.