Anything happy information could be a lie.

It's just voices I hear despite taking my medicines daily, it's been so long I'm on medication, I remember the feeling in Ward was about Sakinah and me as Soulmate as the voices I hear then it's unlucky whatever is voices could be not real, but I remember about driving license my brother really plan to pay for me and it's correct, it's hard to identify which is real, I wonder why I have to suffer like delusional of happy information then found out or remembered that it's actually Alisha's lies, why her lies live more than 16 years at my hearing senses? When I take medicine she is the most I remember about, it's so annoying then I wonder if it's true she will break up with her boyfriend, it's going to be the 2nd Hari Raya they will be together I think, she looks like a meaningless love story and still hated by me. Wonder what her parents think if I hate her but I don't care all that maybe, it's just my luck to have a girl ruining my life for more than 10 years gone, even me going to C.C.K to look for Sakinah then actually I stayed from last train until first train to go home, I'm so unlucky by her mouth.

Nobody punishes her and she lives a happy life in university, it's just weird doctor didn't take it as a crime done on me and let the break up happens and nobody not a single person tried to fix my relationship back after so many years, it's weird it looks like nobody cares for real and I think it's torturous that nobody helped me, I think I'm just committing suicide when I'm ready and just let it be crime of Alisha that I die, she ruined my life and I don't know how to fix it back then nobody help to fix it at all, everyone looks living life normally instead, Hari Raya definitely going to be their celebration again it's just weird I have to go through so much pain without anyone helping me about Wahdiah and Aby(Shahridah), I'm so unlucky in life.

My life been so meaningless for more than 10 years then they just letting me live like this instead of comforting me like giving me money, I even had to ask my mother because of false-information of Alisha pretending an Old Person(my Mother)'s voice offering me $10K, I really thought she messaged me $10K too, I maybe dream of it then, I really still worry about finishing my money especially Ramadan will spend a lot because I can't eat at home when tak puasa and I feel unstable in Ramadan, I'm so unlucky that if I didn't spend anything I maybe should be working and giving my nephews and nieces like $5 or more.

I remember doctor telling me visions of future like it's a lie of Alisha maybe or doctor lied to me? Why doctor let me think I would become a Psychologist, Psychiatrist, Medicine Expert and a Hacker, a 4 Job person? Why did doctor let me think I would become a Soldier too? I was imagining having my life then I remembered whatever nice I believe as true could be just lies and stories of Alisha as she try to ruin my brain or corrupt my mind, so I'm called like Insane so there became no witness she likes to make my niece cry when my niece was a toddler.

It's crazy this happens to me then Allah let her become high achievement like enrolled into university to create more crime towards me. Why did Allah do this to me? Why there's no balasan at all? Its hard to believe like balasan exist, because she's definitely living her life. It looks peaceful being in university and not coming home, earning high certificate for ownself then more confidence of talking shit about me, I really don't know why Allah creating her to crush me when actually I didn't beat her up?

It's March tomorrow and she's still in university, it looks well like doctors have lied that she will have schizophrenia during her university days, just so that I feel like "Allah Maha Adil", because if Adil actually she didn't even get to score to go university, she would stuck at O-level or N-level, I'm so unlucky in life it's not the same level of pain at all. University life is definitely easy and nice food, she didn't even suffer like me to be difficult in getting food and money from my family, only my brother help me but it was only after being angry at my mother as I thought she's giving me $10K. This is stupid, Allah is making her achieving higher in life to talk shit about me then I live working a $144/mth 3 hours 2 days a week at Jobclub "healing and recovering from schizophrenia" as a sick man. There's no update about Wahdiah and Aby(Shahridah) even if it's Alisha's doing that we broke up, then I just live my life "healing myself" in a state of "recovery nostalgia writings and feelings" daily, nobody update about Alisha's payback too, I pray that she fail her university and understand wasting money because it was during my N-level she crushed my confidence then I started to not feel like achieving 100% anymore, I'm so stupid is the feeling she gave me then I didn't get to score high for a reward from my parents

1 day I will understand about Law myself and will think about how to sue her, it's more than 10 years and real pain of heart, that I could die from heart-attack then nobody helping me until now, she's bad since a kid age liking to make toddler cry then I can only imagine her sister seeing it happen on her child or if not I imagine she only do it to non-family members, the freak really a schizophrenia and stable causing me anger at Allah's decision to not let her feel the pain of schizophrenia, she loss memory after an attack then suddenly living like not a schizophrenic, wonder why her pain is only minutes of short duration, Allah is definitely not fair to me and it's just a saying for Muslims to believe justice will always happen by Allah.

People commit suicide by losing a true lover, shame, anger, sadness then it's like I experienced all pain from Alisha like just a small girl but I didn't "win" her because "didn't beat her", I was only controlling myself as I imagine a strapped-jacket and strapped-mouth action on me due to I have mental sickness, then to say I have "mental problem", instead, like she never attacked my life at all. My only witness is Wahdiah and she weirdly didn't keep herself in touch with me like some promises happened then I can't get her to tell me until today, I hint for knowledge like adding but she still ignored me, I'm so unlucky in life why I lose the special feeling of having a lover for so many years then suddenly I'm close to 40 years old, cant even imagine spending time together with a lover because I'm too old.

When I am out of jobclub I definitely will want to know about Law to sue Alisha. She's never getting away from this, nobody helped me for more than 15 years too, I'm so unlucky my family is bad to me.

Confirmed 8 Months of Medications

It's so long, March will be the 9th Month because I started around 29th June, I just need 4 more months to become 1 year on medications, this year definitely my first year experiencing July after so many years, I always inside ward every year in July, this is my first time outside Ward I think.

I self-promise to keep taking medications like Hisyammuddin to try be capable of working too like him, my life is so difficult their expectation that I can work instead of giving me money to support me only exist from my brother, life is so difficult yet they are creating such discipline of keeping money away from me. I still have nobody to talk to outside ward been more than 6 months and I'm like going crazy, nobody searched my friends for me and I became having no friends because I didn't use a phone for so long in my life, 16 years is quite crazy, the some months of using old number is quite crazy too I was not correctly on medications at that time taking more than I should. I feel like I'm becoming a crazy man my friends have avoided me maybe other than due to busy working or having a wife or fiance already without my knowledge, life is so long and it's like this, I wonder how to keep in touch with anyone, now I already have money given by my brother still none of them appeared in my life, I wonder why I'm so unlucky, if I didn't meet Alisha in my life, I wouldn't feel this way like losing friends, she made-believe that Shahridah had sex with my friends secretly and I'm so unlucky about the imagination it's so painful, nobody sued her is weird she have got to live a happy-lucky life in relationship with whoever.

I am really sad my imagination of my friends been ruined by Alisha, she's definitely not forgiven as it's more than 16 years I experienced this, even thinking my mother would standby $10K for me, it's by Alisha's mouth making like an old person offering $10K "first" to me that I thought is my mother, then the pain existed easily like that, luckily my brother gave me $1K as maybe she ejek that I didn't get money at all, it's better to tell people I get money so they get heartache when wanting me to experience a bad or worse life.

February is over today, it's a new month tomorrow, the start of 2nd Month earning in Jobclub on Monday, it's really 3 or 4 months working at jobclub for real? I can't have a job earlier than that? I'm worried if I have to work 3 days a week it means I get more than $1000+/mth so slow. But its still okay I guess, the happiness of being a worker is earning money and it's so little I feel so pathetic my strength is so weak in this world. When will I get the strength like Hisyammuddin getting to be stable? We took the same medicines, definitely he understands my suicidal feelings as true if he knew, life is slow growth into a better one but nobody talks to me about my sickness and like pushing off any suggestion from me that being given money is a way to make my heart feel at ease. The panic feelings no longer exist it just stuck into worry of August if can last so long, I really hope I'm earning enough to last me until August with this money, $850 addition is a lot, I wonder if it's my first time not spending buying on $200+ items again, haha.

It's so tempting to work at HaloSGJobs I saw woodlands job, even $2.2k/mth yearly contract job, I really feel like working as it looks stable money, I wonder what to do should I just stay Jobclub and heed Sakinah? They at least manage me and know my capability of working already by then. When I think again if no certification can earn $2.2k/mth, maybe actually I should be earning $3K/mth as fact, I really thought M.R.T driver is $4.5k/mth then it's actually maybe lesser, I imagine Hisyammuddin to be so successful like that much, maybe he's earning $3K/mth then I imagine again. If no good certificate can earn so much what if I can actually earn more? Doesn't this mean Sakinah, Wahdiah and Shahridah is earning so much in life but leaving me alone like this with little money in life? Why do they leave me alone instead of caring me? Why is my life so unfair schizophrenia isnt something I want in life but I have to experience bad in life?

I really will just maybe take my O-level next year if doctors support it to happen, I really don't know who will help me be confident again like that, I just don't want a bad life, successful person should be something like a Manager position then I can't even achieve that, Soldier job is my only confidence left if I take O level then take Diploma I will want to become a Soldier.

Day 198(246 on medications)

2 more days left then it's working day again, on Monday. Yesterday I dreamt of being in World Government I dreamt of Vladimir Putin and Donald Trump sitting at 1 table with me. It's cool then I forgot what the discussion was about.

I'm happy that today is Saturday I have 2 rest days left including tomorrow, time really pass quickly, will get a job in 2 weeks hopefully. Then I will be a working man - Monday to Friday work? Wow my life really have no time to rest to focus on medications. I really wonder when I will take vehicle license too, it's really tough being a schizophrenic and thinking about alot of things to do, maybe it's still too early to be thinking of it, because it's not even March, tomorrow is 1st March.

My Simba data usage: 1.90gb/400gb.

Just now this morning I really feel the pleasure of spike but i think it's like the Fluoxetine could be the cause of nice feelings too, but I remember it can't be so nice then it just means the spike became like a tissue and stuck in my body maybe, it's more than 6 months already and I still feel something, I wonder what drug type is it why is it so strong to last for so long. I remember someone died from meth before maybe the way of consumption matters.

I wonder when I will feel better in life, it's already turning into March and I had done January and February Jobclub then still have to do March, getting a job is really so long? I remember 1 of the patient have to do 3 days a week if I'm the same then it means April I have to do 3 days a week too? This means I will get a job in May or June then? Why is it so long to get the $1000+/mth kind of life, I'm really suffering and it's hard life like this, I just have to maintain being as stable as I can working this first, I really sad how small girl fooled me of getting money from my aunt, it's turning March and still nothing, it's maybe June or I don't know when is it, why is it so long to feel safe and ease about money?

Sakinah is at home today I assume then still another day of wasting time that she don't contact me at all, my life is like meaningless without her, I wonder when will my memory come back about the other girls Wahdiah and Shahridah, it's impossible that I ask for a break-up I wonder what the split-up going to do to me, but then I remembered that Shahridah's Title is Mdm in her school, it means like she's no longer mine as married to someone else. I really loss 2 girls because of Alisha and I can't do anything about it. There's no penalty maybe because she's too small so nobody sued her, but I remember I will receive money but could be just stories of herself to comfort me again like I thought I will be getting money from my Aunts. I really don't know my future many times anymore, the future-information been edited into lies and her fooling sentences became the voices I hear instead. It sucks I have no one to comfort me about money except thinking and hoping my brother support me even if I save up the $1000 he gave me. I really just have to survive until August then I'm fine.

Still confused but believable

It's still believable that I will recover at 38 years old, today the voices I hear is lesser, then maybe the small girl made me believe that doctor would buy me an RG477V, I wonder why it's like that and doctor didnt remind me too but how come "RG477V" is the spoken thing in the voices that I hear? Means doctors really ever spoken of this console before in M.R.T maybe when I was around 21 years old.

I really hope I recover at 38 years old, this coming June, my next meeting with doctor is in May then I hope they change medicine by then into Risperidone, but when I think again, now is only going to be March, it's still going to be injection-only kind of visits to I.M.H, once they change my medicine it can become 6 months to I.M.H for medicine instead then I don't have to take injections, it will be nicer life and less worry but I need to keep earning money so jobclub is important to me. I wonder what the girls think about schizophrenia, do they read it up, do they feel it's weird a loss memory happened and they really left me or not? Its impossible someone like me would ask for break-up so I don't know it's like a split-up instead? Because I may become in pain due to continuous memory loss? I hope they tell me what was the conversation I really want to remember, it's just weird my relationship just ended like that, I don't feel it's fair at all and I have schizophrenia anyway, why a sickness will be in a way of it? Do they feel that I am troublesome due to having schizophrenia?

I'm happy that I dreamt of Ayatul Kursi yesterday, I hope it's something meaningful dream but it's like I ever dreamt of it before too, maybe a false-memory due to schizophrenia? I hope it becomes a legendary future for me as the definition of it, I really don't want to become a useless man, girls would maybe give up on me because of schizophrenia, why they don't mind losing me for so long anyway? It's weird what was the conversation why it is calm to them?

I bought Pulot ayam just now at shop it's cheap costing $1.20 only, I'm happy I spent money like that and living my life. I really miss eating pulot. The last time was mango pulot that my brother brought back from Bangkok.

I exercise my legs and arms like at least 150 times daily and I think my body is in a better shape like someone that's big bodied maybe, it's been 6 months then I remember some few months I stopped my arms because of the pain from injection. I think I'm building my body nicely and becoming a stronger man. My head still feels hard maybe due to schizophrenia, but I really want to do the jobclub everytime and hope I don't miss any of it, just to earn money first and I really don't like it if it becomes to stretch until April that I will work 3 days a week maybe, then I really pray I get job at mid March, the discussion for job placement hopefully is getting the job too, I'm really suffering from worry of becoming someone useless, I am really still ambitious to become a successful person and I feel like working full time somewhere from any agency, I really want my life to become easier but jobclub knows first whats best for me and I think it's advise of Sakinah that I just follow I.M.H's job fixing, in M.R.T, but I dont know if it's not Sakinah then actually the small girl Alisha as fact, it's harsh my memory of nice people then appeared Alisha as well interrupting my happiness in life.

Today I feel energetic

Wow it's Friday, Sakinah must be feeling happy too because it's going to be off day tomorrow and Sunday, it's so exciting the feelings of earning money even if it's $144 only I completed the entire jobclub in February.

Just now I ate Pepperoni Chicken Pizza $3.20 from Swee Heng Breadshop, and bought $1.10 Redbull, I'm happy I feel energetic and got my Redbull again, if in Malaysia it would be hard to eat in public, but we're in Singapore there's no problem about it, but I remember an Old Man ever drank at coffee shop then masuk Berita Harian because tak puasa, so I really don't know about Singapore. People don't really care anyway.

I'm happy that I would have ALMOST $900 still left once I get my Research money which is $100, I'm so excited that I hope Research actually works to finding the recovery to be faster. I'm really happy it's the 2nd week also, then maybe it's considered as Mid March and I will get my job too, but I think it's on 12 March maybe.

I really don't know where the story of me going U.S.A for A-levels but I guess it's 39 or 40 years old then that will happen if true, why is doctor hiding my job, what is the job that starts with letter "P" if confirmed not Popeyes? Is it really a Pallet job? I'm so happy if it is, because I remember I heard it's going to be easy just lifting stuff and pasting label on items. I really wonder what is the truth because of mix up of information by Alisha, life wouldve been nicer if she was not around during information-flow. What if "P" stands for Platoon, I will become a Soldier? Hahaha. I'm so happy if true, they should find me a proper job that's for my age then I can become a soldier, even if working as Guards Duty I will be happy because soldier is definitely a stable job.

I'm happy my brother asked me if I bought anything using the $1000 he gave, I told him I spent on buying Anbernic RG477V then he told me there's Nintendo Switch for sale at Causeway Point for around $289 I think, 2nd Hand. Means he don't mind me spending money on games at all, I'm so lucky he made me feel lighter in my heart by asking me that.

I'm excited that work is in 3 days, today as Friday then I have rest on Saturday and Sunday, I assume Sakinah will be going home today and spend time with her niece, she's lucky to have a happy life but as my soulmate that don't feel like me, like magical, it's hard I cant really tell her it's true that I love her. Means she maybe don't understand what love means for me, and maybe find me as a schizophrenic that randomly says love, like someone that tells it to other girls too. I ever had ex girlfriends that's successful in life is proof that my mental can be normal too, means I somehow can still get my life to be normal thinking. Its really harsh like I wonder if Sakinah thinks I'm crazy and just saying it randomly, means she don't trust my love as the definition itself and I understand it like 1+1=2, that it's really Love.

I wonder how she can live her life without helping me remember back what happened and conversations between me and her, and let me be thinking I have never talked to her since Kindergarten days(we never talk too as I was too shy to tell her that I love her), something I loss memory about.

I really don't know when's my next chance of talking to her again, I really hope I take my driving license soon too, maybe after I get a job in mid March or April, I think the latest is I get a job by May, the point is once I work something I will earn more than $1000/mth already and I would be fine by then, I really hope I become luckier in job matters and truly hope it's not McDonalds.

Day 197(245 on medications)

Today tak puasa I ate medicine late around 9+a.m, it's weird my mother told me not to eat medicine but I feel it is important instead, I really don't know what's wrong with her because wanting me sick to not eat medications.

My Simba data usage: 1.90gb/400gb.

My Ayatul Kursi necklace is on the way already it's finally something new to feel in life. Yesterday I dreamt of Ayatul Kursi necklace anyway, I wonder what it means.

Today my head feels like shaking then I assume it's because of no medicines yet or just not smoking for long hours, I really wonder what's wrong. Today my parents maybe buka puase at my 1st Sister's house then I really don't know what I'm eating later.

Don't know what happened yesterday I wrote name of my B.M.C classmate about my dreams it's like real the girl name is Farah instead that I thought I met Lyanie, but then it feels like a dream too, I really wonder where my bicycle went then if I didn't sell to the girl at that time, and my phone too. Wonder why I dream of being steady with Lyanie anyway, it's weird like something just weird hahaha. It's a weird dream if it's a dream, I really don't know why I can mix up dreams and reality, schizophrenia is really bad that it happens like that, to become dreaming of what people speak then it becomes a story of my life, nobody really help me to think what happened in my life, I remember I sold 3/4 pants and 6 Longsleeves too, also a fishing equipment, it means it really happened that a girl named Farah pretending as Lyanie because I thought I met Lyanie then calling her Lyanie, then she didn't tell her real name for so long in the short relationship, the girl have schizophrenia too and weird me to talk to a random girl outside because of mistaking it as someone else.

Don't know why my family didn't remind me what happened, I'm sure she came over to my house to buy my stuff that I sell, it's weird that I don't remember or think of it as a dream.

I'm now just waiting for my RG477V and Ayatul Kursi necklace to reach then I will be happy it's finally a different life experience happening to my life. I have also received a message from I.M.H research that it will happen on 9 February then it's around 2.5-3hours long but it's for $100 I think it's worth it. Need to give my blood sample and buccal swab for D.N.A stuff. I really hope I go through it smoothly.

February 2026 Ending

It felt really fast, next month is in 3 days, then I work again on 2nd March and 5th March, I feel like nothing and it was quick, I really hope I maintain like this and become stronger in life. Maybe I get money on 2nd March but maybe I don't know hopefully tomorrow, just to feel myself as a lot of money. I'm sad I'm poor life while others have been achieving highly in life, I'm definitely left behind for so long and people maybe have own houses already, it's weird that Sakinah or Shahridah didn't buy own house or even Wahdiah didn't too, it's weird calling Aby by her name too, haha. I feel better writing names then the last one I can remember that gave me a peaceful feeling is Lyanie, my B.M.C Classmate, I ever wanted her to take O-level with me again but I loss contact with her, I remember her last wish is I work at Popeyes again but I remember it's maybe Pallet job as something true, maybe it's not Popeyes after all.

During B.M.C doctor ever told my classmate that I will work something that starts with letter "P". Hahaha, doctor really making me clueless of what it is on purpose, it's so annoying I really want to see Psychic power, maybe I really will become Psychic at 38 years old as story of doctor is actually something like Risperidone for 1 Year will become a Psychic, then the fastest is 1 Month, I will suddenly know what to do to get my Soulmate, something like that, but I don't know if it's true, I really hope it's true that I will get Psychic power, another story of Doctor is I will become a Wali Allah at 38 years old, I really hope it's true too then it means I will become a Psychic at the same time. I wonder what power of Wali Allah is, I really feel like it's doctor that's been telling stuff to Wali Allah to tell others then seem real of having powers, I remember an Ustaz say that all orang2 beriman are Wali Allah, it's weird to believe something like that it is hard, I thought it's something special? Means by 80 years old at least people will become Wali Allah? Then it's meaningless effort then if I told Sakinah if she and Iman have a baby her son will be Wali Allah, the thing is I didn't tell her if I have Baby with her my Son will become Wali Allah too, but a Psychic And Wali Allah is what doctor said.

I feel sad that Lyanie didn't let me enjoy the peaceful feelings, I remembered that when she's around I feel peaceful too, it's like Wahdiah and Shahridah, but especially Sakinah is like Magical, but Lyanie didn't seem like someone that will become my steady. I remembered like a girl named as Farah looking like Lyanie then I wonder if it's a dream or not, it's weird my memories are like this but I remembered I ever sold her phone, bicycle, etc. maybe it's not a dream after all. Means I loss Farah thinking she's Lyanie and I thought I ever steady with Lyanie due to them looking alike. But then its okay maybe it's my schizophrenia and dreams too, I wonder why I feel like this, it's the most odd feelings if I ever will stead with Lyanie, she's different like a happy person while I'm like a sad life person, it's weird I became like anyhow messaging her in the past, but that's what doctor said that I will marry 4 person, Lyanie will claim as my best friend instead.

I prefer hiding (R)'s name due to complications and misunderstanding but she's the only one that ever visited me when I'm sick out of hospital 1 day it was like that, I think it feels like Last Year or Last 2 Years. Why Wahdiah, Shahridah and Sakinah didn't visit me? Even every Hari Raya they don't miss me at all?

Anyway My RG477V is on the way to Singapore, I'm happy about it I hope I will be around to pick it at my door, it's hard and worrying like if they send someone knocking door instead of leaving outside house because it's still safe.

Finally +$100

I.M.H Schizophrenia research finally called, it's going to be 9th March 12P.M, they say will message me but haven't sent me a message yet, I wonder what's taking so long to confirm this.

The research I will earn $100 finally, earning something again, I'm lucky that money appears like this, I hope there's more money everywhere.

It's not a bit but something that survives me in difficulty, I feel it's special something and I remembered about doctor saying I will become Psychologist, I wonder if true, "helping the research for 2 times" something about this, I really hope there's a shortcut to become a genius like doctor, but I really don't know how. My life is horrible, I saw a video that Ex-President Halimah Yaakob was a cleaner then it energizes me again, I maybe can become somebody in life in future, I hope I become a successful man 1 day, I didn't score 100% during N-level for nothing, I wanted to achieve something great in life. Then I don't have a girl now, it's sad my life is like this.

I have no support from girls, they just exist in my life for what reason then, why do I feel something that's love then I can't get them? Why is it like this? How can I be happy again? I know there's something I must never give up about - which is looking for love. But at this era, alot of girls are not virgins, they could be thinking of their ex then making me unhappy, I really can't do anything about a girl's memory, but maybe will think like maybe their ex makes them happier, I really don't know what to do, how can I get a perfect girlfriend?

All the girls I ever loved became hard to reach or get, their status became so high that I can't get them at all, I'm just becoming a lousy man while in love with them? I really don't know what I will become.

There's no energy about working at Popeyes anymore, so I don't know what I will work as, what will happen to me? What happened to all the stories of doctor about my future? It all just remain as a story? Something about "if" and that's all? Doctor really not telling me what I will become in life, I don't know why but it's not nice thinking this way, like thinking of jobs from jobclub is maybe not fun then I will quit to try work at Popeyes, is like the thing that's happening to my life, I wonder what I will work as, is it really a Pallet Job?

Today my mother cook Gado-Gado, I wonder what Sakinah, Shahridah and Wahdiah eats, there's something that make me feel like they will eat the same but I just don't know what makes me think of it as nothing, it's maybe just a story that happens in my mind, like voices of smallgirl lying to create me hopeful then crush my feelings "because it's a lie" again, I really lost all of them because of Alisha, she's a freak, I really hate her not like my parents that maybe love her so much. Hahaha.

Waiting for my RG477V

 

Day 196(244 on medications)

My Simba data usage: 1.87gb/400gb.

Finally I'm done my final day of the month working, totalling up to $144 to get in March, I'm really happy I finished it all. So it's been 2 months I've been at Jobclub and next month is going to be 3rd month? It's so long I have to bear with it, and maybe get job could be in April or May if not mid March. I hear from the jobclub person that if a cleaner job can earn up to $2k-$3k it's weird, just now someone peed at the chair then I really don't want to do a cleaner job.

It's really hard I have to bear with it for another month, it's so long but I have to endure this because it's short hours work I better not waste it and just earn anyway while I can't find a job yet. I still feel like applying at Popeyes but it looks like I won't apply there at all.

Waiting for bus 161 now to go home, it's slow and I feel it's hot. Really feel like rushing back home but the bus is late.

Giving up soon

I think I have nothing to chase Sakinah and just be in love like meaningless feelings because my parents won't help me find her, my relatives maybe didn't tell my parents how she is then they let be, I feel so helpless because if it's their way it's different, I can't get her myself is the point, forgetting about Wahdiah and Shahridah is the only life journey I have as they still did not get in touch with me and I'm left alone for more than 16 years, my neighbour Alisha's crap was successful and I'm still not with them for more than 10 years, it's weird she didn't feel bad and still have a lovey dovey life with someone, it sucks she understood what love feels like, someone like her shouldn't understand love at all, because she don't deserve it.

I'm so hungry now have about 4 hours until buka puasa then tomorrow is working day again, Ive been wasting money and I worry a lot then Sakinah didn't give me money despite getting her favourite job, my only reason to meet her is like she giving me something if I'm useless because of my skills, I thought hacker is a wanted skill then I'm still jobless for now. Even I 50-50 dreamt of Wahdiah and Shahridah about the jobs they got was like I was there first before they applied and I offered free hacking if employ both of them, I just tell I'm the top hacker in the world by psychiatrist's ranking and then both got the job. I plan to help in hacking because it's only primary school(Shahridah), then Wahdiah is a computer company I think. My eyes like wiggle or jiggle like left and right, up and down like crazy, maybe it's schizophrenia that I am supposed to lose my memory but I did not and my eyes got maintained like that from the medicine.

It sucks my previous writing only 7 viewers, I imagine Wahdiah, Sakinah, Shahridah, as readers, 1 is Psychic that chooses who to tell, then others are my neighbours or relative, if it's only 1 or 3 to 4, maybe 1 viewer decide to not tell the quantity that read me up, I hope it's like that. I have an idea if there's so many readers all the time to make an advertisement earning way of money so life can be easier.

I don't know if my friend Epul and Zik reads me or like Izzuddin or Sadiq reads me, they really just have decided to not contact me anyway because of my schizophrenia, I really have nothing nobody to comfort me during Ramadan like ponteng puasa together, have no friends for more than 16 years like that, I became unstable from Alisha for so many years and nobody pitied me even in a manner maybe like teaching me a lesson instead to take medicine. My neighbours seem fine and healthy even if schizophrenia, I really wonder what to do, I have nothing to do daily and keep thinking how to occupy my time in life. Now it's 3.44p.m and it's scary imagining life as slow and just sitting around without being able to sleep. Why nobody cares about me? Did I really waste money during Ramadan is it really worth it?

I imagine Wahdiah will tell me to Solat, I however can't be heeding because my feelings will be bad again like anhedonia create loss of pleasure in life then I can't feel the pleasure of life if I Solat, Shahridah had ignored me totally and left me alone without helping me be strong, I loss support from both of them due to schizophrenia and Alisha's attack-statement that she maybe forgot because of schizophrenia. Why my luck is like this in life? Nobody tells me why too, to think of it as Qada' and Qadar, it's so unfair I have to experience pain for more than 10 years long, then I have nobody helping me to suicide too, if in Japan there's a group movement that usually commit suicide together they are different, they are jumpers from high building I think is crazy, it's definitely a painful death to crush on floor, why they didn't think like that is weird.

I wonder why Sakinah let me be crazy in love with her then still not reject me totally, I really miss her like crazy for so many years and I can't help myself but feel all the pressures in love and missing her, why she didn't help me carry the pain away by meeting me? Why is she like this to me?

Life's bad

It's feeling like nothing, I added my ex "Nur Wahdiah Bte Mohamed Safit" on LinkedIn, I really don't know what makes her accept the relationship as nothing but I just want to stay connected then I just think of luck like, using my LinkedIn account, I definitely won't post anything on her professional profile, she just changed into a higher status person and I've totally lost her my entire life as fact, I don't feel the need to secret names anymore, then (A) as "Nur Shahridah Bte Zainal" and (S) being Sakinah, I really think it's not important to secret names as my Facebook I just post face of Sakinah and her name. It's a self-damaging thing I think, but since they don't care I don't care too I guess. You get what you deserve I feel it's only fair to not secret the names just to get the correct attention of the girls.

Wahdiah became a Linux Engineer then Shahridah became a Teacher, Sakinah works at Bank, then all except Sakinah was an unwanted break-up that I feel life can happen again if I'm somehow helped to stand strong but nobody helps me as fact, my self-damage definitely is just writing their names, then I definitely will self-damage but since nobody cares I don't care too. Alysha the small girl successfully broke me, Wahdiah and Shahridah and then my life totally became meaningless, it felt like the talks been from them then I asked for the leave-me-first because it's painful, then it's like not a break-up at the same time, it's impossible someone like me would ask for a break-up, but we went separate ways anyway, Shahridah have a Mdm as Status it symbolizes married if in correct language, then I should stop being in this delusion of "not ending" or still having them in future, I really dont know what's my future since I won't work at Popeyes, the vision-story was great then they're the only girls that I can't forget.

I remember I wish for Shahridah's success in her school, then she became a successful teacher I assume.

The thing is weird like I thought I got them their jobs, when I offer to hack for free if they get their jobs, then I wonder if it's a dream too, it sucks had to be like that I thought I really got these 3 girls their jobs, then it's maybe my dream or small girl lied and I hear voices instead, it just seems real because I'm a hacker despite my N level proving I'm actually a smart and intelligent person, the gap between me and them is too far by certification and it makes it impossible to have them as my wife, I really can't berangan and hope for them anymore, it's been more than 16 years, I really need to recover and that's it.

I feel like Suicide is the best thought I can think of, 1 dormicum pill costs only $10, if I get 100, it is $1000, then it means if I eat 100 I definitely will die of overdose and while asleep, then it means definitely not painful, small girl successfully break me up with the precious moments and experiences not felt until nearing to 38 years old and nobody in my family sued her, I'm sad that I grew up to become a schizophrenic that's always lovesick and nobody cares, I'll definitely find any random job first by jobclub and work properly, drugs can be gotten anywhere I think then it's just weird like that, how CNB have to search for people but actually it's been everywhere or anywhere, it's just weird I think committing suicide is the best choice to do as none of them are comforting me anything. They really just live their life happily without me and it's sad to see how unimportant I am to them/their life.

I'm definitely working hard to get dormicum pills as an escape to pain, because money is not a problem that my family created it to be a problem in my life too, it's been so long I became a useless man but my family let it be instead of me tasting a rich life sometimes, I'm just living like a normal person as fact, I remembered the days I collect KFC at dustbin somewhere at woodlands and took them home to eat, nobody really cares about me, my family also didn't ask where I got the food and had let me experienced like that. I miss the days I easily get beer everytime the shop closes people sometimes left a bottle of beer unopened, it's really luck but it got me to be feeling better, it's really like I became crazy and my family rather I experience life like that instead of giving me money, only my brother gives me money is hard because he's my brother, someone I don't know how to ask money from.

I feel like my brain have something hard now, it's like a rock in it I only take fluoxetine and paliperidone injection and it's supposed to cure me but I feel this way, maybe I experienced an unspotted allergy but I really don't know, I just have to wait for 1 year for the medicine to change, it's been over 6 months of exercise and I don't know if my body is really better now, haha, funny dying in a better health body. People don't understand me that I feel this way, I feel like Syurga is just a lie to get us to zikir and Dua and solat, because I think ived zikir a million times then I still did not get power from Allah. I ever baca Al-Fatihah more than 30 times on water daily to drink them, but still I have no power from Allah. Maybe Wali Allah is just a ranking that psychiatrists knows then tells them information and Wali Allah power don't really exist except by Psychic. I really don't know why Allah made me fall in love with girls that I can't get, I feel like my life is hopeless and I should end it 1 day, I have no power despite many times zikir, 1 year of solat, remembering Asma-ul-Husna, done a lot of doa, I really just ambitious to be a smart man then nobody still cares to make me one just letting me live in pain with this. I really don't know what to do but growing up is like building death faster for me which became something enjoyable as will earn money to buy dormicums. If buying 100 it's definitely a discount price exist too, I think life is really nothing, only (R) visited me before I think only 1 person care doesnt really mean anything to me. I don't care if I hear from psychic that my future son will become Wali Allah, he's maybe not existing because of this hard feelings I have in my head, heart and body. It's like a stone or something stuck inside I really feel it's physical but mental medicine is the only prescription I got.

Energy to Work Properly

The Hari Raya Biz that sells the packet to insert money gives me energy to work as I have to be an uncle that gives money to my nephews and nieces, it's hard I'm the only one in the family that is useless and not achieving a lot I wonder why doctors let me to believe I would be someone earning $53K/mth with Psychological And Hacker Jobs, it's really harsh to imagine such amount of money working 4 job titles then actually when reality-check, I am someone that is hard to work and someone schizophrenic unsure about which voices are real information and which is edited information to fool my mind. Even when I take medicines I experience voices that fools my mind I wonder why is it like that? Why am I not recovered yet?

I wonder how people got the confidence to give money to nieces and nephews while I feel it is hard to earn money, people give them out easily during Hari Raya, I'm the only one that haven't been giving out money before since after N.S I don't even have savings for marriage, I am so useless then it's because of lovesickness maybe I really can't do anything, a man that can't work properly is a lousy man I think, I'm so bad luck in life. But looking at the videos about money, it energized me to keep working tomorrow as it's 3 days of rest after that anyway and to earn for the new month of March to get in April. It's really hard imagining myself to be working like a self-damage just to get money, I don't know why schizophrenia is like this, I'm really not sure if I can really be strong to earn money by myself, the job must not give me a dull feeling that's all, I really worry about myself like why others don't feel the hard feelings that I feel and can easily say that "because I don't work I'm lazy" that's all as the summary about me, why I became a useless man for so long, it's 38 years old this year and I have no savings, people are having more than $100K for houses but me I don't have such money at all.

Why is my life so difficult and why people only see that I must work, I feel it's difficult to be living like this, tomorrow is only 3 hours then I can't find a job that's low hours too, this is my only chances of surviving this bad life.

I wonder when people would give me money especially the small girl, it's really difficult the pain is real but I live like no damage happens and I have to be stronger to work myself, I wonder why other schizophrenic don't have to work and still have money like those in ward all of them looks more richer than me, they have nice phones for example, they somehow live daily without worry of daily stress of boredom, it's weird they don't consider it as crazy or insane to be treated like that? Why are doctors so harsh treating us like that in hospital? It's so boring, even the activities are like kids, pasting, colouring, then it's like no gains in life. I wonder why people are so heartless to let me go through it then I got spiked inside still they didn't care about it, then my parents didn't give me money but my brother, why is it like that the difficulty of life to be felt as a poor person instead of someone that matches the kind of house we live in, why do parents lie to me like that?

The attention I get is unknown, if it's (R) probably no reactions of help because she's only a reader, I really have no one that (S) that knows didn't help me too, why she don't mind that I live in suffering all these many years? (W) & (A) are earning big but I'm left to suffer without money, they didn't even help me and let me live a poor life, so many years life gone like nothing. I didn't grow up to become a capable man but someone sick and like a lot of complains instead, my parents are somehow strictly not giving money for what reasons? There's no sudden cure of schizophrenia if they save up so much there's nothing that cure schizophrenia except the medicine I think, why it's almost 1 year but my memory is only false ones and not correct ones? The small girl really had ruined my thinking.

It's only close to 11a.m now and I don't know what to do, I really have nothing to do everyday and tomorrow will be the same after work, then it's Ramadan it's really hard to drink water as something to kill time, why I became like a mad man and nobody cares about it? I definitely feel suicidal and it's definitely a decision because dormicum is a sleeping pill then if eat a lot I definitely will die I think, then dying in sleep won't be painful, I am really stressed but everyone is the same and not being supportive of me, it's too painful to keep it in heart and it attacks me mentally with having false-info that ruins my vision of future too, I really thought I will be receiving money for real and only got $1000 from my brother, I definitely don't feel like he will give again, he didn't measure that I finished $850 and $600 so quickly to imagine me still feeling worried, I really need the ease in life, I'm still happy with the amount given though, it's better than nothing and it's a lot like something that I can survive on for months. Waiting for August is so long it's 5 months in 3 days, then I only need to quit smoking and not buy food and drinks, then I will be fine.

Day 195(243 on medications)

Today is Wednesday means tomorrow I work, life is to imagine working already as something daily instead of being at home. I'm so bored like mad having nothing to do at home. I'm starting to feel lazy to blog but I need to keep up the counts if not I will need to count again at notes.

My Simba data usage: 1.57gb/400gb.

I dreamt yesterday being bestfriends of Aliff Syukri and Elon Musk, we walk and laugh then I woke up it's just a dream. I dreamt of boys in cages like a prison too. I really dreamt a lot and I don't remember all of it. 1 of the dreamt i work in Immigration and I dreamt of black jacket too. I read the interesting dream definition at auntyflo.com but I don't know if I should believe anything.

The hours pass by quite quickly, and it's been a week of fasting and I hope I don't become lazy from going jobclub, the appearance of laziness like something tiring to feel in life, maybe it's because I have no Redbull today. I remember when I went to work without Redbull and cig. I still survive and can work so it means Redbull is not really the reason?

It's tiring like this written so many and nobody cares I really don't know what to do in life, nobody cares my life is repetitive and nobody pity me it's boring and low confidence of spending money to go out, because of saving, then it have to be this way because I don't always get money from my family, I don't know why my parents still not giving me money it is bad I have to survive.

The February feel like ended but then tomorrow is only 26th February my last day of work this month, I feel like I calculated too fast.

Enduring for mid March

O.T just replied that mid March is Job Placement, I assume it means I will get a job somewhere, I'm really excited to do it, I really hope my life will soon become easier, it's been 2 months close I've been with Jobclub, March will be the 3rd month then I don't know if will get a job yet, I really hope I get something I can stay on temporarily, money is like everything in my life as my family being hard on me about money except my brother.

Just now I went out to NTUC to buy Sushi and Chilli Tuna, I don't know if (S) got the same food as me but maybe she does? I really don't know, will doctors keep in touch with her 5 days a week like always getting the correct food that I have? Did she eat mee rebus yesterday too? I wonder like this. Life's really hard for me but easy for her, but she work daily it means she gets tired when already at home, really I wonder how her life is like, can't be that she really eat the same as me because her niece maybe will eat McDonald's such thing. It's really harsh thinking of her actually as my soulmate and having a nicer life than me but just occupied with work and niece, she really didn't give me any time at all.

I'm waiting for the holidays to be over then it's time for RG477V as they start working again on 26 February, maybe the time they would send me the console, I'm really excited how my life would become once I get the console, it's really a lot of stress my life I really don't want to waste money but Ramadan is the moment that usually will feel like buying stuff, luckily found a $10+ cigs. I really not sure about the price but it's London, then it saved me abit of money.

The drag of months to keep going jobclub is really harsh, earning only so little, then to wait for mid March feels so long, I really hope I get a good job I keep praying in my heart, that I can work and become a lifestyle like Hisyammuddin can afford everything ownself already, it's just too tough earning so little and this schizophrenic feelings like a laziness but I don't know what it is, I just remembered that I loss memory of the sign under my block and I posted again I thought as a new sign to beware of traffic. It's really weird my memory just gone like that.

I'm thinking of living life like having $1000 most of the years like no problem then I actually wouldn't feel bad belanja in Ramadan, my 1st sister keeps eating good food for her Ramadan I feel her life as lucky, she really upgraded herself into a nice life, in family I am the only difficult life while my 2nd sister makes her own life difficult by eating cheaper food, it's weird their Ramadan is like that when actually have a lot of money.

I really wonder when my family or relatives will give me money, they don't mind me living life like this, to be thinking of June is like so hard for me, I wonder why it's like that, why can't it be sooner like Hisyammuddin? My brother is the only one that got me to feel like Hisyammuddin, suddenly having a lot of money. But when I think again, August government gives nearly $1000 anyway, I really don't know how can I last until August, it's really just 6 or 5 months to go, then me having around $800 soon to imagine I have quit smoking, I really don't want to finish my money too quickly. When is the Soldier and Hacker job story of doctor anyway? Why is it so long for it to happen? I'm already taking my medications daily then they didn't make it easier for me to get the kind of job that I wish. I wonder what makes me hear like I will become soldier at 38 years old, it really energize me that I will become somebody stable 1 day, it's so hard this life, I wonder how Hisyammuddin got out of the suicidal feelings, I really am enduring it, it's maybe jobclub making it feel like suicidal as too little money and paying to and back for $6+, wasting so much money per journey, it really makes that I can't search for (S) outside, the only place I can think of is Raffles Place and City Hall to walk to Esplanade and Marina Square to search for O.C.B.C maybe at the Marina Place even, I really dont know where she's at, why did she left me thinking of her so hard and this bad, she really left me clueless on where I can find her and just live her life without caring for me. I wonder what kind of girl I should search for if I were to live my life, to think of her as not my soulmate it's hard.

Now it's around 4 more hours until buka puasa, I really can't sleep in the day and don't know what to do, I remember at Ward I would just sit around and stare around, I really have no life and my family made me go through all that without feeling bad or feeling like have to repay me something nicer to feel in life, they really let me suffer inside ward and I am so mentally unstable, it's like pushing me into becoming crazy legally, like just visiting me, no wonder in ward even if I took medications I didn't think that they are my real family, it's just too harsh and they didn't fight for me to be outside.

Work in 2 Days!

The end is finally here, it's going to be Thursday that my last day of the month to work, finally earning money by myself and I hope I carry on surviving this way. It's hard as March it's still 2 days of work a week means I won't be earning $216 in month of March. I wonder why people let me just being like this enduring the work to do and getting little money, the ez-link is definitely a lot to go through but it's maybe I'm childish or just the bad feelings I have if I just work, I really hope it's much faster but I can't do anything about it, March have been scheduled the jobs that I have to do.

I really hope have nice medicines like benztropine or prozac to feel good when taking medications, it's really a dull feelings I have to wait hours everytime, it's really a long time but luckily I'm at home and not in ward. If in ward I would keep looking at the time then stuck inside thinking if going home it's like a madness into my mind, I wonder why my family don't care that I experienced such thing and didn't think of giving me money to enjoy after a bad 1.5months in ward, only my brother gave me money in the end, I'm really expecting from my parents alot but they don't care I experienced such thing by not giving me extra money to enjoy my life.

It's like a weird feeling in my head but at least the injection was done yesterday making me still having medicines in body to survive until March, then April is also another injection then May will see doctor, it's really ending doctor have extended meeting from every 2 months into 3 months, I definitely must survive this hardship by keeping going to work for money, I understand the madness felt by Hisyammuddin it truly felt very suicidal and boring, it's really harsh having to live life with limited money but at least he was surviving on $10K at that time, I'm different, it's really hard on $1000, spending $350 on RG477V maybe, then it's really over. I'm still waiting for $231 refund for the RG477V that I spent on TikTok then including $144 I will have close to $800 left, my family don't think about money as much as I do, my siblings eat nice food usually but Ramadan I remember my 2nd sister only eat Maggi on first day, they usually can afford anyway not like me thinking of savings and working little hours for little money. Nobody made me feel ease except my brother, I really need to keep surviving until August, it's really hard but I really am a  survival life even if I'm a schizophrenic. I don't know why (S) or the rest of the girls didn't pity me like giving me money, I thought it's love as something that we never wanted to break up, but they living easier than me which worry about money instead as a man, I really feel I have nobody that will support me, me $1000 feels like will finish and I worry of having no money again in June maybe, why is it like that? It's maybe not even 38 years old that I will receive money, no one remind me of getting money at all and I don't know the dates too, why is it like that? Why I'm the only one in family that thinks of money until this kind of pressure and stress?

The happy thing is tomorrow is another rest day then the unhappy thing is it's Ramadan so I can't drink a lot of cold water, my body have to live through the spike feelings, like it would never end and wonder if allergy really cause me anhedonic I really loss of pleasure in my body, but it's not really rashes I just became to itch alot at my legs then I suspect it's from the medicine as I read "tell doctor if rashes", then it means I'm maybe allergic to it a little bit, but I have been surviving more than 6 months with it.

I'm really hoping for like $200/mth then focus on medications from my family, 1 year is $1200 only but it looks like it can't happen, I wonder why they rather make me work when I have schizophrenia, I remember doctor saying I can work if I take medicines then I hope doctor is right about it, but after thinking of Hisyammuddin my cousin, maybe doctor did not lie as he managed his life properly after that, I'm in so much difficulty while nobody pitied me, like they just understanding that I am someone that is capable to work, I wonder when I will become angry into independence of working continuously for 1 year, but I goal until next year to take O-level then I really don't know if I'm really taking it, doctor didn't help me by talking to me about it. The last meeting was only a short conversation about 3 months meet again then injection and it's done, I don't know why they don't want to make my life easier but only believe on medicines to be the cause of health and strength, Hisyammuddin is proof that it's true then I don't know how long this crazy feelings will be felt in my body, I remember Hisyammuddin was in a bad feelings too, feeling like suicidal because of money shortage, I don't know why they make us feel it first before giving us money, they could've just given money without us having to worry about it in our future.

Day 194(242 on medications)

Life I hope I become stronger, I exercise daily and yesterday I missed Iqra but I will make up for it, I'm reaching 200 days outside ward and I'm happy about it, life outside ward is definitely different - I have sofa and carpet to walk on, I didn't have to wear slippers everyday like in ward, it's definitely more happy outside ward.

My Simba data usage: 1.13gb/400gb.

Recovery moment is still tough due to the voices I hear that makes me think I will receive money from my Aunt, it's hard but I wrote it down already, the girl probably asked what I call my Aunt then use it to create a sentence of being given money, so bad my life expecting money like that.

I received my jobclub days to work in March it's still the same 2 days work a week, it means I will earn $162 instead, it's not 3 days a week, maybe April will become 3 days a week then I think, it sucks how it looks like I will get a job only in May, I really want to earn more than $1000/mth to keep myself stable, it's tough my life have to be this way. It looks tempting to work outside already but I don't know if I have the stamina anyway, I kept exercising daily after buka to maintain having a good body, I just need to fix my body which is exercise, mind which is medicine, finance which is work, then I really will become a better man, I read a quote about life.

It's sad taking so long to get a good job, and earning only very little for the 2nd time in March, I have to bear with this I guess, I remember 1 of jobclub person was in 3 days a week it means he's been around jobclub for more than 3 months, wow it's so long to get a job and I have to endure this.

It's hard if hear voices and not believe it, to not think of past but it sounds real like a memory of promise instead, the small girl really had fooled me multiple times and leaving a memory of pain in future(now) from the past attacks. No one have any idea why her attitude is like that, she was only in a panic as discovered love to attack babies. I think she just want me to become crazy and that's all she needed to be let off about having someone knowing or remembering she likes to attack my niece a baby at that time.

Yesterday my brother found London Cigarette then gave the whole box to me, it's almost full still and still new, I wrap in tied in a plastic inside my bag so tak masok angin. My energy for Hari Raya is still none because I think will only go to my Nenek's house and that's all. I have no collection to collect because I'm 38 years old this year, I really still feel like a young person due to memory loss for 16+ years from shock, anger and even happiness(of false information like being given money), I will keep losing memories because of this 3 feelings.

Ramadan feels like empty because I have been alone for over 16 years and it's weird people are still having life while I'm sick of schizophrenia and nobody give me extra pleasures in life, I'm so unlucky to be having schizophrenia and not disciplined like Hisyammuddin, I'm just barely surviving in life now with March working 2 days a week again for another $162(as March is 31 days), it's really tough my life still have to be this way.

After this I'm going to learn Iqra to make up for yesterday then I'm done. I just need time to pass for buka then tomorrow is another off day then work on Thursday. My life is really weird working like this but I really have to do this kind of work, it's really tough being in the phase that Hisyammuddin was in, then he managed to survive, luckily have a good example to follow and note that actually I can still work too, I just have to get a normal job then I'm sticking to it until next year I guess, I hope I can do well working to become like him, earn stably and just live my life as usual, I think I don't remember when it was but I know I miss alot of years when not doing the medicine correctly like him, I don't know why its like a childish feeling like a tantrum in my heart due to anger for being pushed into a difficulty despite having schizophrenia and people don't give money due to the sickness I have which is hard to work. I just survive like this for now and hope for the best in March too. It really looks like I will only get a job in May.

Done with Injection

Now seeing doctor after 3 months, means it's going to be my 1st time 2 injections-only then see doctor, finally it will be fast and easier. Just now meet my nurse Ma Yuchuan and he said that's the last time because there won't be any more visits, it's finally the end and I will be having smooth days after this focusing on jobclub alone earning money monthly. I hope I get a good job that I can survive.

I really don't know but I still feel like working at Popeyes, but I think like it's not going to happen because I will take O-level next year, will I? I remember in the past I plan to take O-level because schizophrenia keeps happening over and over again.

Just now at jobclub I charge my phone awhile but it's like no use, after charging it's still 20% battery left, haha. The jobclub is like easy and I enjoy earning money this way, I remember at first start of difficulty is to work like earning $50/mth then I got a $144/mth, I know I feel like a handicap that can't work, when I remember Hisyammuddin I think I actually can do it too, he's my only energy of keeping up to take my medicine because will work a stable job.

Life's really hard I spend on cigs., then I think it's my only way in life is to keep earning money because my parents won't give me money, I wonder why it's like that the strictness is the same even if I'm schizophrenic, they don't give me a chance to feel an easy life at all, I'm just sad about it.

This will feel like a long way to go, because June is the memory of being warded multiple times that keeps being gone, that I even forgot I have schizophrenia during N.S, I hope my memories really comes back in June, it's really a difficult life journey with schizophrenia then lovesickness, then feeling not capable of doing many things, I really stress how if I can't take O-level next year, my dream of becoming someone successful in the end won't happen? I really want a stable job and I don't know what jobs I would do, doctors really didn't tell me too which is sad I have to think on my own.

I just feel like applying jobs that appears at HaloSGJobs but I remember my strength is still to only work what jobclub gives me, then I have to be slow and become stronger. I'm so unlucky I loss so many years of couple-life, because of schizophrenia and none of my ex check on me which is sad too, I really have to live my life alone, it's weird but I think its like they don't actually care about me at all. They are happily earning big money then I'm left like a broken man.

Day 193(241 on medications)

Simba data usage is 1.12gb/400gb because i forgot to charge my phone just now.

I came for doctor appointment too early and they told me to go back and come back later, I really have no choice I checked the doctor not at room yet too. Sad today waste just another $6+ like that just for medicines, cost of a chicken chop with tomato rice.

I hope life becomes easier as Thursday is my last day of February working, happy goaling for the $144 full amount in March, I hope I will be fine until August. It's difficult life journey to imagine $200 for 1 month and then it's actually 5 months for $1000, buying the RG477V makes me leaving like $800 after getting $144 of salary.

Now I'm recovering slowly it's hard, waiting for 1.30p.m now, just now I thought of walking at Sengkang Shopping Centre then luck of meeting (A) but then I remembered she work and today is Monday anyway, there's really no luck of bumping into her.

I'm sad how I am not successful in quitting smoking, but I still managed to drag the hours from smoking means I don't smoke after buka puasa I'm still fine.

Today I feel happy I completed my jobclub without Redbull in the morning, it's just successful finish for today and I feel fine about it. I have another 40 minutes left before going back to I.M.H and I think somehow it's worth it, just for the injection and taking medicines, I think it's needed to feel an extension of medicine moments in life. It's reaching 9th month on medication then I think the recovery moment is still not yet as I still hear voices, it's sad how I feel like I'm a crazy person then I can't get my (S). Even during medications I am unstable mentally, but just managing enough strength to keep working. I hope the job comes earlier but O.T already said it's mid March then I get info about jobs, I hope it's true the end is finally here.

I feel like writing a blog is meaningless as no one at attention or conversation about it with me, no one commented too I have no interaction with anyone in blog too, wonder where's doctors why they don't talk about me being spiked but I just live my life.

I hope I still have energy to go back I.M.H it's such a long distance then repetitively go again, it's harsh the timing of meeting is late by 3.5hrs.

I know why I feel bad today

It's because my injection is finishing the medicine inside body is going to be finished, it last only for 4 weeks, no wonder I feel higher earthquake inside my heads and like my eyes rotating upways but it did not like a pressure in my eyes, about schizophrenia loss memory is always eyes become all-white first.

Happy I discovered the reason, I was thinking why I feel hot for 2 days already then it's the schizophrenia medicine need to "topup" tomorrow. After work I will go for injection then it's a new month to wait for, I'm really happy it's going to be March, I remember since end June last year I was taking Medicine, so it will extend until March - July, Aug, Sep, Oct, Nov, Dec, Jan, Feb, Mar - it's going to be 9months I'm on medications I'm really happy and excited but I wonder why nobody makes me feel no worries about money at all, I just need to wait and wait and earn myself, different than Hisyammuddin received help in 6 months exactly I think or when he works at McDonalds he received help, I really hope for a relief of stress like he gets this is really a lot of fast heartbeat to be waiting for August.

I really don't know who to tell my problems to, the attention I got from my blog is not enough I can only guess (R) as the frequent reader of my blog then I remembered that time I think of marrying (R), "if I don't meet (S) anymore because don't know where to find her", suddenly I met (S) in M.R.T, then (A) and (W) was on the phone in M.R.T I think, all the 4 girls are around, including (R) as the loudspeaker to talk, then small girl was around also ruining my chance of breaking (S) up and being together with her, I don't know why its like that, I thought true love will impact like bulu roma ternaik but she went on and tunang with the monkeyface. It's really sad my true love didn't impact for real, I was in delusional of soulmate love that we cant be together because she's unsure of my feelings because I have schizophrenia and I "may be lying or randomly saying I love" her or to any girls(which I didn't). She's the only one I became like that. I really dont know why true love didn't impact like magically helping me, I am sad love is not like a movie, she went on to have her forehead kissed by monkeyface and had no feelings for me for real, I'm so sad it's been so many years.

Why is she doing this to me like not telling me of her feelings?

Soon 3rd Month 2026

I've calculated my money again I will be having $800 left after buying RG477V once I get my $144, haha, I'm happy that only console that's causing me alot of money, I cancelled the posters because they seem not sending me at all, the order is not moving. I wonder how long I will feel the dullness but just now I became happy I'm working tomorrow so I'm excited that I'm still earning money, even if it's really just brooming dried leaves, wiping tables and chairs, mopping floor, I feel it is worth it. Right now I'm feeling like an earthquake in my head, I really can't do anything about it but I feel like spending like Hisyammuddin on Quit Smoking Inhalers. He's the most experienced in phases of a schizophrenic feelings and passed and successful in life, he's a good example to follow if taking medicines. I'm so unlucky so late in life, he's years ahead of me I think, I feel like I should be working like him driving M.R.T and a stable job, I wonder if I can do it, it's really not my type of work to do because I usually have stomach ache problems means I really can't follow him always the same. It's like my plan to take motorbike license but he already got a driving license, I thought he's most childish cousin but he's way stronger than that, I feel like I'm the most childish in family instead.

It's weird thinking of 5hrs+ to go until buka puasa then tomorrow working again, time really flies and Ramadan really feels hard, I hope I get support from my family like suddenly having a lump sum amount of money but it's only happening at 38 years old I think, now is really not the time yet I guess they calculated my life to be like this instead, I wonder why I can't remove the worry about money yet.

Now is Sunday then I can't search for (S) too, I really don't know which part of C.C.K she lives in except a playground at her house area I think, it's really harsh she just let me know just like that but not exactly where she is, I feel lonely my life without soulmate whose highly achieving in life. I'm having a hard feelings in my heart and I think it's schizophrenia making it like thuds, I wonder what is it too, maybe it's a feeling of quitting cigarette? I hope so.

I wonder who to tell my problems to, doctors don't talk to me normally and tomorrow I will meet him after my jobclub and go for an injection, it will be quick and then I will wait for March for injection, it's really hard to need to do this monthly but I have to, I don't know why people don't pity me, maybe it's like what Hisyammuddin felt like nobody cares about him, I really need strength to become a better person like him, I'm still stuck in my childish self depending on someone to live my life normally.

I hope I puasa tomorrow, then maybe it's a lighter job at jobclub maybe, it's really hard to keep working during Ramadan and imagining the dried leaves to sweep to pile them up then throw in black plastic. I wish someone in touch with me like reminding me when's money coming into my life, but everyone is busy and maybe worried about their money will be asked from me, just bad the small girl really confused me with true information about money with her type of information.

If March im really getting a job, April or May will be the month I take motorbike license and I hope I can pass in 3 months like everyone does, maybe I should become a delivery rider but I still don't know places or road to ride like that. If Gojek exist in Singapore it would be nice like just following G.P.S haha. I'm planning to ride to Esplanade as usual the only spot for comfort in life, the rest is just like wasting money in the end but I really have to go out and see places, it's been so long I'm at home, I wonder how my nenek gemok feels like always at home it's really tough, but they somehow happy or at peace, everyday is a stretch to feel dull unless have games, but maybe nenek gemok cooks is why she don't mind her life always at home.

My brother gave me a grey baju raya to wear, then it makes me think of just going to follow them to house of nenek gemok at Choa Chu Kang, will be closer to (S) every raya unless she goes out to her grandparents' house, I really feel like my grandma really tried to get her for me before at her workplace, then I really wonder how is it, it's really so long to get married and I just want to secure the marriage first to secure of getting her but I can't get reactions from her that will comfort me, she really don't care that I have no money and living so difficult in life? Now is different I have temporary money to last me until August and hopefully my jobclub's salary support me that long too.

Reordered

I cancelled the order at TikTok because it was taking too long, then I ordered again Anbernic RG477V at Anbernic.com instead, 8GB+128GB, then I ordered Ayatul Kursi Necklace at other link instead because it's so long. I couldn't take it it feels like forever, I hope everything is smooth this time, at the main website is more expensive then it means at TikTok is something not matching the real price but cheaper anyway maybe is why they won't be taking orders.

I feel uneasy like needing to quit smoking, I saw $16 for 2 or 3 inhalers of "Quit Smoking" I feel like buying it instead, life's hard if like a survival, I feel like I'm sick no need to puasa for Ramadan as fact too, but I just endure what I can I feel bad I'm not a good practicer of Muslim's Teachings.

I've done learning Iqra just now and hoping I don't miss a day anymore, I feel like I should be able to read Al-Quran if all the writings are the same as the alphabet but when jointed it may look different, so I really don't know why it's like that, it creates some confusion of what alphabet it is and I may become slow, like ha hi hu and ma mi mu, it looks quite the same if jointed, I really don't know.

What I remember from the past is: I would be working soldier job and learning Iqra then my neighbour would ask me if I have known Iqra, then it didn't happen too, I wonder when is the Soldier Job, why does it feel like it's close too? Why was our conversation like all the pain will be ending then actually not? I also remember from the past that the conversation is 1 of my neighbour would work as Popeyes and me would work at Popeyes too but it didn't happen too, so I wonder what I would be working as, March is close soon and tomorrow is my 2nd last day of February to work, I really feel happy that I'm earning a little it's at least something. Just nice to have Anbernic RG477V to survive the boredom in life. The notice said that the shipment will be delay due to New Year Celebration, then I really don't know when I will receive my Console. I really plan to play with my nephews on our own console some games together but I wonder if it would happen. Life's really like a survival it's felt truly again and I worry about having no money even if my brother had given me $1000 that day, life's really like that. Hisyammuddin was lucky because he was given $10K then I'm not so lucky my mother not giving me money on 6mths of medications, I feel sad my luck is not the same happiness and a lesser worry feelings didn't happen, $1000 is okay still to wait for August to happen hopefully.

His schizophrenia and mine should be the same but I have suffered more than 16 years due to degil tak makan ubat but Hisyammuddin healed instantly having to endure pain of money too, he's lucky he was supported, I hope I have the same luck as him 1 day. My eyes feels weird I feel like not comforted and I feel like I'm a weak person, I really didn't want to waste money during Ramadan but it's like happening in my life, nvm, March I will receive $144 and I will restabilize somehow, I just have to work weekly for 2 days left, then it becomes 3 days a week in March, I hope the days are good and comfortable for me. I really hate this phase of life of thinking about working and earning then being someone schizophrenic hard to work and earn as fact but people are not being supportive to let me feel a nicer life. I think the small girl Alysha really used my relative's calling to create me delusional in future(this present moment) last time, then it happens, it's been more than 16 years but it's still happening I wish I have a lie detector as I don't exaggerate my memory is something like that.

I thought my uncle would get me Aircon, television in room, then it's maybe voices of Alysha lying such thing to make me berangan in future then like a sudden pain as it's all imagination. I wonder why her heart is like that to me, I really don't understand at all. Whenever she attacks she will loss memory and her eyes become all white, all schizophrenia is like that I think(when loss memory), I feel like it's a stupid sickness in the way of having a pleasure in life and blockers or stoppers of happiness. When I was being spiked meth, I thought electrical devices can heal my brain and connect the splitted-minds, then the information was just energy of meth alone, I'm so unlucky i thought the I.M.H schizophrenia research would become interesting and we can be cured from schizophrenia faster.

I think I need someone to chat with everyday to feel healthy but I think conversation would be about ponteng puasa together and hang out instead, I really have to endure Ramadan to not waste money and buy food secretly, I wonder how that my life became bad already and I still survive on jobclub's money next month onwards, it's my only hope of feeling having a future savings. I really don't know why my soulmate will have more fun in life I really thought it's been my effort to keep her psychologically strong as I have doctors, then she didn't effort to push me out of difficult feelings and I have to survive from my brother alone. I really don't know what to do.

Another memory is I don't know if it's small girl's lies or my brother, if I Solat I will get $5000, why do I hear such thing to make me feel comforted in life? I really hope jobclub really survive me entire months this year until August, then I still get to save up the money that my brother gave me.

Can someone contact me already that's my friends instead of reading only? I really feel like a loner kind of life, definitely people think of money to not spend on me but what to do my life is like that for so long since N.S days I became a useless man due to schizophrenia and without support of people due to money wastage in life. How come people can't plan for me how to spend my money? It's really difficult and have to be this way for real, reality is really like this and I can't evade the hardship especially during cravings in Ramadan, I realized I'm the sort of people that have no money to spend during Ramadan then just looking at food all the way. My 2nd Sister and Dina also only ate Maggi on their first day, really save up money easily, it's weird girls don't always feel like eating a lot and life about money about girls is always easier than guys.

Day 192(240 on medications)

Finally I'm 2/3 of a year done on medications, I only have 1/3 left to become a year taking medications.

My Simba data usage is 0.99gb/400gb.

Yesterday I dreamt alot, in a cruise ship walking so fast, with a celebrity and a footballer eating McDonald's together, 2 jealous girls that I was walking with celebrity, we went up escalator then accidentally went out after 1 level only. I dreamt of having RG477V and playing with random people multiplayer games, it feels good holding and having RG477V.

I wonder what the dream means, the girl was the happiest walk to be with me as her boyfriend, I also dreamt of Fandi Ahmad and my Father.

I'm less excited about writing my recovery feelings because there's no presents or gifts like the small girl had made me believed, if take medications will be rewarded money, it's sad I hear and hope for such things, I really wonder how I can survive it's Ramadan and I sleep until 9a.m, it means I need to sleep right away after maghrib to feel fresh tomorrow for work, I'm sad how there's nobody responding to my blog, even leaving 1 post as empty viewer as viewed from main website I think, I just left it 0 without reposting again because I'm lazy for attention. I wonder why such things happens after Chinese New Year.

It's bad if I'm not recovering yet after so long of taking medications but my dreams made me feel energetic like I will recover, my Mood Support Pills are finishing soon too. Daily I feel bored and yesterday I didn't read Iqra again I think I forgot but then I remembered about something I loss memory about, I remember I sold a phone then bought the same exact one the next day wasting $40+ like that, it's sad I became so stupid wasting money like that but it's actually i loss memory that I sold my phone away, I wanted to have more money because given budget package from government then in the end I sold and rebought the phone, so stupid I loss memory and doctors wasn't around to help me counter my waste of money, this means doctors not always around on time like I have felt, it's maybe like illusion or I loss memory about such thing. It really ache my heart having schizophrenia and kept losing memory, then people are not being supportive but just living daily life like I'm a normal person.

I now feel like selling this phone to buy a 16gb ram phone but I think I'm not doing it, it's just for the speed of using the phone. I feel like my order for Ayatul Kursi Necklace have failed and I need to order again from different link, they still haven't sent me the item for so long already, the posters still only at stage 1 "Order Placed" and the order is not moving, I wonder why I have to feel all these in life.

Life Freedom

It's not totally felt yet, I kinda regret how fast I spent my August and December Vouchers, I really hope it was all worth it. I think my Bicycle to add Gearings so it become worth it kind of bicycle life, it's really long time ago and I really dislike wasting money now, it's been so harsh the life feelings of wasted and quickly spending on pleasure, I read that Rich Mind sacrifice pleasure in life, I really hope I become a stable man and can work, I'm becoming like my own mindset like I would be energized by quotes to keep doing something like growing up into a better person, life can really become easy if follow the quotes I believe. I want to believe quotes about chasing our dreams, I really want to study hard for O-level next year and I really want to learn about Psychology. I.M.H to be my working place it will be nice seeing doctors over and over again having a psychic that knows my life to tell me what to do 1 day.

Waiting for life to feel something, I really can't fall asleep too, I calculated that I have $750+ left then adding $144 next month I will have about $900, I really must survive and it's a lot of money given by my brother that i must last it long enough to create myself a better lifestyle. Buying RG477V is definitely worth it that I will have something to spend my time on, I hope my anhedonia don't ruin my experience. I really feel like buying St. John's Wort but I really don't know if I should, remedy for pain I really need something to feel nice in life, I feel so dull in life and I am worried of wasting money that I cannot last until August 2026, it's really only reaching March in 8 days, then 5 months to go, I survive on Jobclub's salary and hoping I get a good job too.

I really don't know why I don't have any friends contacting me, are they worried that I will sabotage their life and make it bad like asking to treat me stuff because it's been so long I feel a lot of hotness in my body that I kept losing memories, and I kept losing pleasures in life, it's kinda worrying that nobody cares about me except my brother maybe, I feel life should be understanding the outside world, should be using datas for happy pictures or videos then I have been spending time at home most of the time but at least it saves money doing this. I hope there's an easier way or faster way to earn money but speed of jobclub is like a schedule that I can only wait "until working day happens" over and over until I get a job by them, the good thing is they will visit my workplace to see that I really am fine at work, then have told my company that I need to go for injection every 4 weeks.

Today my mother said will buka nasi goreng and I'm happy about it, I really miss (S) now like wanting to talk to her but I have no way but wait for luck in life like she changed her mind into creating ideas to meet me faster so I feel fine faster.

It's really hard thinking of life like "will I really be someone that will ride motorbike?", I don't see myself as someone rich but just bus as transport and living life slowly, I know my achievements in life will be slow and I really want to be successful in my life like having goals to become hacker, soldier, psychologist, I really think in the end I will only become a soldier or a security guard even, haha but I have schizophrenia definitely hard to get security job.

I wonder why my neighbours haven't recover from schizophrenia all my 16+ years of time, they seem stable and I know cure for schizophrenia exist when seeing newspaper, exist news that people cure from schizophrenia, I wonder why it's so long to see an example in life.

Can my friends contact me why nobody contact me? I truly just feeling lonely in life then just exercising at night during month of Ramadan then I really don't know what to do in life. I remember like my brother will give me more money if I Solat then I wonder if it's just voices of small girl lying to create me hopeful that I don't worry about government money being late anymore.

I wonder why I remember like Skillsfuture expired money will turn into cash in M.R.T, means doctor was just saying "if" in front then I heard as a sentence of information instead, small girl was around listening also maybe made doctor sound like that to me how unlucky I was, my life chances of getting (S) didn't stop her from not to tunang at all then suddenly goes missing from online activity or it became that I can't see her activities online, I really don't know what to do why she made me think or in action that I will lose her forever my entire life? She really don't care about me is sad how I love her truly yet she only become this way, she would definitely have a nice life with me but she choosing distance then time can really be deadly, what if one of us dies do we know our life at all? She made 10+ years feel like nothing special of loving her then she still living her life working O.C.B.C, I'm really sad that she didn't give me a nice reflex or entertain my needs in life. Why can't she give me money because she's my soulmate? Does she want me to suffer secretly?

I'm thinking of time to finish in life like I can spend in on games but I know anhedonia will kill me off, I will become sad that I don't feel entertained by games that I hope not too, this means I will end up buying St. John's Wort I think, the energy of life is just spending days taking medicine without support of extra nice plans from family, but just waiting for 38 years old for money from Pak Ngah maybe, which is more than $10000, then I hope it's true and not voice of small girl. I wonder what makes them want to wait until June before giving me money, why is it like that I'm not allowed to feel peace in my heart easily, I know I would still work anyway.

Money of Pak Ngah giving I definitely would think of it as marriage money as I really want to marry (S), then hopefully I work something to have money monthly then I should be able to survive. My phone bills is easily $120/year it's cheap definitely I can have a life taking care of a girl if I earn $2000/mth at least. Even McDonald's job is said as $2K+/mth I wonder if actually all job is that much as fact. I know I can survive if I can continue working only needed is stability, everyone is just working in life I assume then nobody accompany me in life, I will grow to become a boring life type of person, I feel worried if I become like nobody in life, and no success, the 100% score during N-level really re-energize me that I can become somebody in life 1 day.

Life is cruel how since N.S days I still receive no support from my family, except my brother, I live knowing their lies of having no money but just not wanting me to have money, it's hard to be in pain multiple times like this, I became needing to save money and I know somehow if I have more money 1 day, I can make everything I spent on as something worth it, I definitely will make good use of this bicycle 1 day like I can learn fishing from my own nephew then goes fishing myself, I really need a kind of support in life like creation of no fear to talk of money, fear is painful it's like a burning heat, it's like torture too because I'm a man then if they enjoy fear, it means they enjoy me feeling tortured, it's the same as being patient, I really need a nice type of love that support me and my soulmate can give me but she just choose to be this way, lifes hard that soulmate don't care about me.

Day 191(239 on medications)

Yes! Tomorrow I'm 2/3 of a year done on medications, I'm finally finishing the fixed meds for 1 year.

My Simba data usage: 0.99gb/400gb.

With enough money now I can topup my Simba line for $50 to reach August getting $850, I'm really happy that my bro gave me $1000, today is only Saturday and tomorrow is Sunday, making me having 2 more days of rest before working and meet doctor on Monday.

It's really hard I'm trying my best to believe of power like Ayatul Kursi to wear as necklace to become a better Muslim, at least it's an identity that I will wear. I watch videos that to wear it as something not allowed but who cares anyway, it's for Protection purposes. To believe of it is like not believing Psychics exist at first or Wali Allah exist, then since both exist, power maybe exist too and I will wear it 1 day.

Yesterday I dreamt alot too and I Sahur at 5.30a.m today, then waking up from sleep at 9a.m, I think it's because of eating melatonin late that I will wake up so late, I really want to be energized every morning due to Monday and Thursday morning is my working day, it's really heavy if I feel sleepy until 9a.m.

It's weird my recovery like not happening and happening at the same time. I bought posters of quote like "Become 1% Better Everyday", "Work hard in Silence etc." and 1 more "The Key to Success is Focus on Goals etc." to energize me daily at home to remember them for me to keep working hard every day. I plan to exercise after buka puasa everyday and hope I make a good form of body even if it's only my legs and arms being exercised, making sit-ups gives me back pain and I can't do it, I really think of buying the abs massager to create my stomach more flat as I drink a lot of water it becomes fat. Even if Ramadan is a month to become more saving up on money, yesterday I bought Redbull $1.20, Milo $2.20, Pineapple Juice $1.1 and Coke $1.1, it's really $5+ spent just like that because my crave and thirst for a nice feeling in my throat been so long, I shiver Abit due to the niceness of the flavour because it's too nice and I haven't tasted something nice for so long, it's sad that I spent so much just in 1 day but it's not usual and not every day, it happens like once a month where my thirst for feeling something nice happens, means every month 1 day I will spend more, I remember if drinking 2 bottles of drinks will make me feel like a sore throat, so I think health is important too. Redbull for energy, Pineapple Juice for the sweetness, Milo for missing it, and Coke too I miss it.

It's been 16+ years long that I kept losing memory and my family until today do not talk about it they live like I'm normal everyday sadly I can't recall my memories faster, I really need to recall a lot of my memories so I live a stronger life.

Anyway it feels like the nurse won't be coming to my house again, but I don't know maybe 27th February as the last day of visit, it's final like I'm becoming independent in medications that a nurse visit is no longer needed and I can do well on my own. Next month is March and it's only in 8 days, then I have 3 more months to become 38 years old. Time really flies being on medicine 1 year didn't really feel like something and I'm sad my life is just taking medicine and yearly warded last time, I really pray for my recovery to be faster and I hope Ayatul Kursi necklace makes me recover faster too and my doa to become Makbul. The latest I will receive the items I ordered around 2nd and 3rd March and I'm still happy about it.

After buying RG477V, I hope my nephews visit me more bringing their console so we can play games together as multiplayer, I remember it's my memory of small girl and their talks about being given money which I don't know what date, I remember one of the voices sentence 20+ February but it's still the same, I have no news from Bik Minah, Mak Ni and Bik Isah but I remember Pak Ngah said will be giving me at 38 years old, but I wonder if it's the small girl's voice making a big voice too, I'm really unhappy I became not knowing facts because of the effort of the small girl intruding in every happy news. I maybe wouldve gotten (S) secretly if the small girl wasn't around, I really miss her then I can't do anything about it, I really hope this money is enough to last me until August as I will imagine $200/mth, but I hope it's lesser monthly too. I managed to save up still and I stopped writing my cashbook expenses because in the past everytime I write my expenses I will get money at home, I feel like I was being hacked secretly monitored, it's like a spying and it's more than coincidence, it's weird but it's like that my feelings.

Finallyfe

Finally life, haha, my bro made me enough money before March and I'm happy about it, my working day in bus definitely will be occupied by my console that I finally have and I got to be extra 2nd player if nephew bring their console to play, Ayatul Kursi necklace will be something to feel holy about, I hope stories of Islam like it brings protection are all true, I really want my heart protected from ache and from mental ache too, I'm upset my memories are slow and it's only up until this, I haven't remembered nice ones and got to go through bad ones first, it's sad the girl fooled my recovery moment into hearing her voice again, then a wrong information that caused me like a short conflict with my family, she's definitely like a Satan in disguise, no idea why she do that to me, maybe just wanting me crazy and think she never like to bully babies, she love making babies cry and only me that caught her.

I hope the benefit of Ayatul Kursi necklace is real, I used to recite it every night and morning in the past, even repetitively recite Ayat Kursi until I fall asleep hoping for a true dream or Knowledgeable dream from Allah, I really energetic on matters of real power that's from Allah, then hope this necklace brings power into my life and health, I remember my neck will be colder when wearing it I ever worn it in the past at I.M.H from doctor, so I will believe in power and health from it too, my hot temperature definitely will be controlled and decreased from this necklace, I will feel like a Soldier because of the size of item but I really hope people like Imam Mahdi really appears faster so can verify my love for (S) is true.

Now imagining around 7 hours to go until buka puasa, life really got better when my brother gave money that I hope I can save until August, it's really that long and I have to live on like this. I really miss (S) a lot, my head really feels like empty and I feel like bad but I'm surviving life anyway, I have to bear life being slow but I know I am earning from jobclub to help me back up on my feet, life feels like a fall happening multiple times and I'm excited waiting for June that I don't become warded again, it's usually the same people in ward and it means I'm always warded the same date with them, it's like a fixed schedule of schizophrenia that suddenly comes to create us mentally sick then we kept meeting over and over again which I usually don't remember and still feels like only 2nd time at Ward 35A but I remember it's actually been many times, I remember looking at my age at the wrist tag, that I keep getting older and older and kept going to ward over and over again. Finally this year it's no longer happening and I will be cured hopefully in Year 2 or the Year I'm 39 years old, it's really tough being a schizophrenic and having to earn money ownself, that parents don't support and have to live on my own, it's mentally stressful and creation of sadness and anger at the same time.

I really hope my strength will be enough to be earning at least $2K/mth 1 day, but I wonder to work as what then? The only job I can think of is jobclub's reference or redirection to be a successful person just for this remaining 10 months of this year, as year of 39 years old is the day I might take O-level as story of doctor is like that, I want it to be real that I am a successful scorer and I plan to study hard too, it's only 1 year of life and I have wasted many years while (S) still lives her life she's maybe still working anyway then I have enough time to catch-up to become a nicer status man, it's really hard but I have to believe doctor sometimes or it's just mixture of truth and lies or truth and dreams in my mind, I wonder why it's not clear but I'm just unlucky to have small girl that love to lie about things that will help me in life. If I didn't hear that I will get $10K, I wouldn't be in pain anyway, the small girl really intrude my recovery chances and created such sentence for me to feel confirmed and believe her sentence, then actually my mother never plan to give me $10K at all, I'm really okay then. I just have to wait for my recovery and whoever can find me a friend to chat with will be nice, but I think nobody will do that, end up I only blog and feeling like already having attention that's right, I read that weakman desire attention then actually I'm just not strong to ask myself or I'm just weak? Or it's blog the memory of something in case I die? People don't really care like taking risks "even if in case I die, not to help me" yet because it's not good in their opinion, or like my mother simply said "no money".