Confirmed 8 Months of Medications

It's so long, March will be the 9th Month because I started around 29th June, I just need 4 more months to become 1 year on medications, this year definitely my first year experiencing July after so many years, I always inside ward every year in July, this is my first time outside Ward I think.

I self-promise to keep taking medications like Hisyammuddin to try be capable of working too like him, my life is so difficult their expectation that I can work instead of giving me money to support me only exist from my brother, life is so difficult yet they are creating such discipline of keeping money away from me. I still have nobody to talk to outside ward been more than 6 months and I'm like going crazy, nobody searched my friends for me and I became having no friends because I didn't use a phone for so long in my life, 16 years is quite crazy, the some months of using old number is quite crazy too I was not correctly on medications at that time taking more than I should. I feel like I'm becoming a crazy man my friends have avoided me maybe other than due to busy working or having a wife or fiance already without my knowledge, life is so long and it's like this, I wonder how to keep in touch with anyone, now I already have money given by my brother still none of them appeared in my life, I wonder why I'm so unlucky, if I didn't meet Alisha in my life, I wouldn't feel this way like losing friends, she made-believe that Shahridah had sex with my friends secretly and I'm so unlucky about the imagination it's so painful, nobody sued her is weird she have got to live a happy-lucky life in relationship with whoever.

I am really sad my imagination of my friends been ruined by Alisha, she's definitely not forgiven as it's more than 16 years I experienced this, even thinking my mother would standby $10K for me, it's by Alisha's mouth making like an old person offering $10K "first" to me that I thought is my mother, then the pain existed easily like that, luckily my brother gave me $1K as maybe she ejek that I didn't get money at all, it's better to tell people I get money so they get heartache when wanting me to experience a bad or worse life.

February is over today, it's a new month tomorrow, the start of 2nd Month earning in Jobclub on Monday, it's really 3 or 4 months working at jobclub for real? I can't have a job earlier than that? I'm worried if I have to work 3 days a week it means I get more than $1000+/mth so slow. But its still okay I guess, the happiness of being a worker is earning money and it's so little I feel so pathetic my strength is so weak in this world. When will I get the strength like Hisyammuddin getting to be stable? We took the same medicines, definitely he understands my suicidal feelings as true if he knew, life is slow growth into a better one but nobody talks to me about my sickness and like pushing off any suggestion from me that being given money is a way to make my heart feel at ease. The panic feelings no longer exist it just stuck into worry of August if can last so long, I really hope I'm earning enough to last me until August with this money, $850 addition is a lot, I wonder if it's my first time not spending buying on $200+ items again, haha.

It's so tempting to work at HaloSGJobs I saw woodlands job, even $2.2k/mth yearly contract job, I really feel like working as it looks stable money, I wonder what to do should I just stay Jobclub and heed Sakinah? They at least manage me and know my capability of working already by then. When I think again if no certification can earn $2.2k/mth, maybe actually I should be earning $3K/mth as fact, I really thought M.R.T driver is $4.5k/mth then it's actually maybe lesser, I imagine Hisyammuddin to be so successful like that much, maybe he's earning $3K/mth then I imagine again. If no good certificate can earn so much what if I can actually earn more? Doesn't this mean Sakinah, Wahdiah and Shahridah is earning so much in life but leaving me alone like this with little money in life? Why do they leave me alone instead of caring me? Why is my life so unfair schizophrenia isnt something I want in life but I have to experience bad in life?

I really will just maybe take my O-level next year if doctors support it to happen, I really don't know who will help me be confident again like that, I just don't want a bad life, successful person should be something like a Manager position then I can't even achieve that, Soldier job is my only confidence left if I take O level then take Diploma I will want to become a Soldier.