I don't know how I can recover from the small girl, I kept hearing back her voice over and over again, she's really skillful in creating the voice moments maybe it's by pain = the statement that will appear, now is boredom kind of pain.
Even if she don't believe at that time, the anhedonia was created by her to feel unhappy in life, making me say things or else she will say bad statements annoying me.
Nobody is giving me tips on how I can get (S), and efforts been only from my doctors, my family don't care if (S) or me is growing old, why she making me feel like chasing her instead, why can't she wait and think of me as her soulmate? Why she don't mind growing old without me if she's my soulmate?
I'm tired how I've waited so long, I really lost the special opportunity to get in touch with her, she don't mind me not knowing her contact number too sadly. She don't mind if she's not in touch with me too sadly, small girl is so bad to appear at special moment, even her voice are readied statements to appear what she say(by my memories) by vocab that triggers it, I'm sad she didn't effort to get the girls back or say sorry to them, then I still can't get them back.
I'm really made to have no one in life, my life's luck really bad, the small girl is like a nuisance that ruin a nice feeling/pleasure that's unrecoverable. Once lost forever lost. 17 and 20 years is too long lost and nobody can do anything to get the girls back sadly.
I keep thinking about it now maybe because I take medications, I would keep losing memory of it if I don't eat medicines I guess. How even lost (S) along the way in life, contact number was the only thing I need then it's like this instead, she didn't care about me why is it like that? Why my love expression wasted? Why it's not special after I dreamt of her since baby days? Then now I'm already reaching 40 years old still can't get her?
By fact she definitely don't have the heart for me, then small girl added more fire and ruin everything nice that could've happened - I wish she suffer in her love relationship. She only have 2 guys to waste - 17 yrs old and 20 yrs old, then her 3rd guy is definitely her most special one that she desire to marry I hope I get to know who is it, I definitely will revenge.
This is too long as I'm close to 40 years old, I can't let her marry before me, just will ruin her wedding definitely like breaking her seat or dropping all their food, I definitely don't care about her wedding, I wonder what I would do, she definitely would know and maybe secret her wedding anyway, the point is to know who her 3rd guy is and to ruin her chance of a nice love story in life. I don't care what her family thinks, 17 and 20 years is too long and I can't recover from losing them but they live strong without me, making me feel worse and not special, knowing the small girl is successful in breaking me up.
This is too long, (S) is not coming, I need to grow up and work and earn money that's it, Jobclub is not on time, if yes then it's maybe stressful because it's a no-allowance job-training to complete first for 1 month, sadly. I really hope doctors psychicly tell me what work I can do, then let me just work, I really want a nice life but nobody is giving me a nice life. I kept thinking of money, cig. and dishwasher job, why is my life like this? Why nobody shows me they care about my feelings?
It's like I'm really going to personally apply at Popeyes at Woodlands M.R.T then hope I get a job there nicely, it's 3 years doctor ever said that I would work, it's definitely a starting point of my life strength, I need to be normal first like (S), she can work fine without any health problems, while I don't know and wonder why everyone can move normally in life.
I still can't recover why (S) tunang at that time, leaving me alone thinking my effort are nothing? Why she did that to me why my love story didn't work to prevent it?
What should I do now, I only have Assurance Package money, I can't look for (S) at C.C.K Playground area, I really don't know where she lives, I will definitely keep looking for playground to guess where she live. Doctors didn't help me like comfort me and keep talking to me about (S), but doctors let the 10+ yrs goes by my life. I really need to work and forget (S), this is way too long and I cannot recover from this pain.
I wonder how to tell doctors to stop giving (S) the psychological support that I gave her, and just forget (S) and support me fully? Only update me when (S) is schizophrenic too, she really don't care I will feel old and really let me grow without her in my life.
My mother is 70 years old and my father is 73 years old, I really need to plan something like spending my time with them, I really can't let 17 years gone just like that. They seem like knowing the same as doctors of them living until 100+ years old, 70+ years old I would've been thinking of death as close already, I really would feel I am way too old. My mother looks strong still going to Jawa and having fun with family of Wali Allah, that the Wali Allah claim as my family. "Allah mesti bagi kekasih Allah punye keluarge bahagia" I remembered he said that then I assume I will get to marry (S). If all of them think like that, there's no effort needed to get (S) because "Family of Wali Allah"(me) is the one that want to marry her and Allah will give her to me, then why can't she think like "she's got the time for me instead" and spend time with me instead of "waiting for Allah" who doesn't show himself physically? Allah doesn't tell he's watching who or talking to who, I really hope I can talk to Allah like a conversation with Doctor, it's hard I really don't want to be in pain but have to live with pain "by Allah"/from Schizophrenia?! Why is my life like this?!
I don't know when's the time I will try around like going City Hall maybe as maybe O.C.B.C is around there? I can't find at Street Directory, *sigh* why (S) doesn't make herself easier for me? Doesn't she care someone that love her since 6 years old is real about it?
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