I really hope for psychic knowledge but I can't get any for now, even 31st August I fear of doctor warding me if I ask for psychic answers, it's really bad my life experience. I really feel helpless right now, it means August I still won't be studying for my O level? Why is it like that?
I plan to download a lot of games for my handheld console, then I wonder if I will have any friends at all, it's boring my life journey then people let me growing the same like this kind of path for almost 1 year, there's no additional fun or entertainment kind of difference, there's no money to create me to imagine that I can be going City Hall again, it's been so long I haven't gone to places like at there then my life really being like this as something thats permanent. The imagination of permanent boredom really make me scared, maybe it's due to the lack of cigarette for the fear feelings I have, maybe it's just that.
I really feel that I shouldn't suicide because I want to take my O levels, then only sleeping pills are my imagination of suicide that's painless - "to die while asleep" I thought something like that, that's the only thing on my mind. Maybe it's due to wanting money causing me like this, but I have money that maybe will last until August, it's really a heavy life journey, I really think Alysha should just lighten up my life instead of living her life, she's having fun in University while I'm experiencing a bad life journey, even Dina needs money, then she didn't pay us both, especially the Johor money that I used up because of her, I wonder why her mind are crazy like that, she don't pity that I wasted hundreds of dollars to go Johor just because of her lie that there's "Wali Songo" at there, I really wanted to be cured from the pain I feel, then I don't know why mentally weak to believe something like that, it's really sad she don't pay up until now, she made me poor and loss of happiness and nobody in my family or doctor pitied me by giving me money because of her, they just let the loss happens and Alysha got lucky from police again. I think of reporting police if she don't pay up anything on my birthday, so that I can disturb her school days back like she disturbed mine, making her achieve lesser in life or fail is my goal, but I really don't know how to do it.
What's sad about Law and readers - none reported to Police about Alysha and let her go freely studying still in university, I became so angry when I remember what she did to me, like saying I'm an orphan, and thinking my mother is a Jew or Japanese like it's still world war 2 happening in Singapore, then a schizophrenic would believe something like that? What an ass kind of mouth, she's so bad to me like a crime level but Law probably ignoring because she's taking her university. How lucky her life have missed girls' home for bullying Dina, there's no one counselled her too. Then my bad experience is for being a smoker there's no counsellor help for me, it's really bad my life experience, I really don't know what to do, I feel like asking other free counsellors to help me but I remembered about Club Heal being the best free counsellor, so I don't know my luck, my lifes not going to move into a better state.
I'm at the sofa as usual daily always the same spot, I don't know why my parents let me live this kind of life, it's really heavy and boring, they don't add fun into my schizophrenic mind, they let me become like a waiting person at home waiting to be cured by taking medicine daily, there's no activity like knowing other schizophrenics that is on medications and talking to them about life as hearing voices, the thing is will they even tell they hear voices? My life journey is really bad.
I estimate that due to doctor saying I will buy a Mew Keychain in August, it means I won't study yet even in August, then maybe it's September October November or December? Why am I so late in life? Why counsellor don't pity that I want to achieve something in life and just help me a special reason kind of way? The special reason is because I'm old age then just taking my O level? It's so late this age and I really need help like getting a cert in life, I remembered that I cut my N level cert before then it's in some kind of scotch tape, I really felt sad then they knew it too, I just can't throw them away, I wonder where's my resume file and N level cert too as fact, thats my last memory of it. My family cleaned the room so I don't know if I can find it in almari(that's where I placed it), I just living a tough life now like a no certificate guy and just going to treasure the certificate that I will get next year, it's my only path in life.
I feel like Wahdiah and Shahridah had left me by not talking to me, I wonder why they became a mute, or are they being dramatic about my sickness? I understand and just believe it could be because I may go into coma as their only reason as that's what doctor would say if I can't remember and reminded too much, I would suddenly loss memory multiple times when I remember the bad things in life, and it continuously happens until coma. If its going to be something physical like body becoming a vegetable, why people just don't spend time with me anyway? They really let me grow old without supporting me is something sad that I have to endure, I can't even think I will become someone that read books daily when I'm old, it's impossible because my certificate is so low and "I'm always feeling Like This", it's a bad feeling most of the time that I endure everyday, why people don't mind that I suffer in life?
Whats the point of having readers if none helped me anything? Why people just joining the crowd of doing nothing for me or doing no help to me? What's so good about being the same crowd as my parents that do not help me anything except give money for medications ONLY, it's really bad my life journey like this, why nobody is helping me out?
I think I'm just going to spend time downloading game for my handheld console testing like DreamCast, Wii etc. just 1 game each to test then see if I will buy the 2TB micro SD card. Sayonara peoples.
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