Feels fast

I'm in my room now my mother's friend visit then I forgot to Salam then it feels not good to go down because I lazy to change into nicer clothes.

I was watching One Piece movie just now, didn't know the movie exist for real, NetFlix is really cool and fun. It's about 50 mins to go then it's 7.30p.m, imagining if I'm at work, the timing to go home is really close. I am really excited about this job and hope I do well in it, like a lot of prayers in my heart that I can do it, I really want to earn in life already, and earning $1600 is big considered as that, it's really fun to be working something easy for such a big amount of money as salary. I hope I gain friends and old friends come back in my life, I'm too lonely people had left me alone during my schizophrenia and I became suspicious of friendship then I lost all friendships because of Alysha, I trusted nobody because of schizophrenia from Alysha, the anhedonia was really crazy the happiness really gone from my heart, I go to work feeling unhappy just because it's N.S I have to complete it.

I'm sad but I need to wake up that nobody cares, the girls don't care too even if at advantage of telling doctors what I need, they don't really try to make me feel more ease, it's really hard I have to go through this level of sadness, I'm like a weak seed growing then I wonder what's the difficult part(the shell) to open, what could it be if I'm the plant, to stick out 2 leaf from the shell and stick out to sunlight, it's really something I wonder what is it.

My mother's friend is here then I hear girl(I suspect Alysha)'s voice about being given money then I just had to be happier but not hopeful at all for money too, it's because Alysha I think saying such thing about being given money then it's in my memory by voices that I hear as hallucination.

I'm thinking again if I'm the plant, what's the shell that I need to throw from being a seed, it's something that's part of me, that's the weight from growing up into a nicer maneuverability, then I will throw it away, I wonder what it represent as part of my body or life.

I'm happier thinking this way, then I have an idea that to overcome the big stone on top is maybe having a bigger seed to grow and push the stone off, like 4 people each corner of stone or even 1 to help me move better in life, I wonder how if I'm 174cm, the smallest plant is me then I need a big plant(person) to help me in life. I wonder what the stone represent in my life?

I hope I have someone to think along with me and help me and guide me out of pain, now it's just 40 mins away from the end of working hour 7.30p.m, I just feeling the life of how the time actually moves slowly.

Anyway it simply means I need 4 or 1 person to go through life with me, to maneuver easily under the stone or plants to carry the stone away a bit to move easier in life. It really feels like the stone is my mind of stress, and money can push it away but I really don't know, maybe it is something else, like having no friends maybe? But if have a friend I will be working and can't chat with them on WhatsApp too time still moves slowly.

No life as fact

Boring like crazy, Sakinah isn't coming for my life, it's been too many years, if she don't get updates then it would be nice for me leaving her my entire life. It's been so many years why would she still be updated about me? Why is life like this? I really have nothing to give her anyway. I really don't know what to do my feelings don't go away, she's crazy to let me feel this way continuously, at that time she was with monkeyface anyway why do I still hope for her? I think I saw monkeyface at my mart before but he's tall and I don't know why it's at night, I even think could be because of seeing me even. It's bad life I can't think properly.

All I remember now is doctor saying I would earn $1500+ on my first month of working because of 1 day off for I.M.H appointment, then it energizes me to move forward in life. I really look forward to doctor's words as being true and then it become meaning that I will become psychologist/psychiatrist again, it's really weird I hope this slow phase in life somehow can get faster by tellers of my future, then nobody is around to tell my future, it's just like a heavy weight in life to think about, now it's 2.26p.m, about 1 hour from my starting working hour, tomorrow going to be a long 6 hours or a short 6 hours? I wonder like that. It's something rare that I can work already, maybe it's like during medication inside ward I didn't believe my family are my family, then there's something wrong now too like it's too fast, I don't believe I can do it too. I probably should just forget about Sakinah like she didn't care and just be with monkeyface then kissed her on forehead, it's really stupid. I really hope doctors tells monkeyface I'm really going to be right hand man of Imam Mahdi then he will be scared Abit of me, I can't believe Sakinah know I love her like in a weird way, she definitely didn't give me any sympathy, then I wonder why she is doing this to me like not rejecting me properly.

Boring like crazy, my brother cooks Maggie I feel like cooking Maggie too, the hunger is real the aroma of Maggie curry is so nice.

I hope doctors tell me more about Imam Mahdi, I really want this to end, like Imam Mahdi telling Sakinah that I truly love her, something like that it would be easy she doesn't have to confirm anything else. It's been so long and barrier are humans they can talk differently so that Sakinah still avoid chatting with me, I'm so unlucky, I don't work at Popeyes like story of doctor then I wonder if about Imam Mahdi is another "if" too, it's quite stupid hearing such sentences to be energized but I remember doctor saying things about secret society then he happens to be right about my future, I think I'm just losing my happiness in life and actually just working to earn money and that's all. I really don't know if I can work, but if doctor said $1500+ for first month it's gonna be that I think because my happiness of getting the job is so high.

Mixture of Happy and Unhappiness

It's weird I really think like I can work tomorrow, the past reminded me that I was ever there and I quit on the same day afterwards, it really sucks if I can't work, today I sniff q.s inhaler to quit cigarette from today onwards because tomorrow I'm working, everytime I write, I feel like I can reach my goal, the happiness increased and I became energized to work at Tampines. I'm truly happy of being hired at Tampines.

I hope I become more confident in life like more strength, I think I should stop exercising because I would be working 6 hours a day making me unable to exercise anymore as don't want to become too tired, now it's turning 12.55p.m if I work just now I wonder where I'm at right now, I'm really happy it's 31st March but my jobclub allowance haven't come into my bank yet, I wonder what's taking them so long? I'm praying that doctor's words are real and I can work, it's sad how Sakinah is nothing to me just now I almost became stronger to assume she as someone married and someone I will never get my entire life, means I can just keep working and earn money forgetting about Sakinah anymore, it's hard I really feel disappointed how she respond nothing to me, life is really like this it's funny how old am I then I don't know about actual relationship status of Sakinah then I'm just assuming she's not married just by my feelings. It feels ugly imagining her kissing other guys, I need to make her off my mind, daily it's like this I can't do anything about it. Does she feel power over me because doctors and my relatives kept visiting her last year I think? Why didnt she news to me? I'm the one that's their adopted child I should be feeling more powerful, Psychics and Wali Allah's Family is why, I hate this bossy imagination of Sakinah not telling me anything like an update.

I kept getting visions and I hear voices but I can manage it like ignoring them, but I wonder why schizophrenia memories appear as the voices itself instead, it's too strong memory but I can mistaken a false information as real just because memories are by voices and Alysha made deep manly voice too, means I really don't know about Ustaz Harunarrashid. It's like I remember he ever told about his Facebook post will be about an Ustaz's wedding, then an example of future that I/he know that I will see, psychic is something like that telling the future, but even if it's maybe the date, it's still like, how Ustaz know if I will look at his Facebook again?

I really just want to ask Ustaz about Sakinah, how to get her such thing, but I really can't I guess, it's nothing automatic because I should have told him since last year, then there's no news for 1 year, it means there's no connection chances between me and Sakinah. I am adek angkat of Ustaz Harunarrashid I think, if Sakinah feel more special than me I would find it odd, if she's approached by Puan Hamidah Bahashwan maybe to tell about me, because at Masjid Sultan at that time, she and Ustaz Harun are connected to the Mudik Ke Hulu program of tattoo removal.

I wonder when's the end of all this, the job is starting I feel the excitement but it caused me like cant sleep or I worry about cigarettes.

Tomorrow my first working day

Is it final, I really want to believe doctor that I can do this, it's harsh nobody pitied me but let me go through this, if I was pitied I would've been given money to live my life normally. Now having $100+ cash with me and $260 in bank, I'm waiting for $144 and $162 to be transferred into my bank for working at jobclub, it simply means I will survive this April, I have May June July 3 more months after that to reach August of Government money. I imagine now $260+$144+$162 = $566 then +$100 in my wallet = $666. I really must split like $666/4 = $166.50 every month if I don't work in April but I'm working so I should have no problem in reaching August.

I'm truly excited for this job in April I hope I do well the job speed looks okay at my first visit there I really think I can do it. It's really heavy my life, I can't believe nobody pull me back to stop me from trying to work and just give me money, they don't pity me at all is surprising to me, what am I going to do in life then?

I have to goal on motorcycle license in May, then June July August, to have license by August or July, cause it's usually 3 months I think to get a license, I really hope I can do this, it's really heavy having to work in this schizophrenia but they all looked fine like I can work normally, I hope they're all right about this.

I posted a lot of dancing girl videos like story of doctor that I would post it a lot because of happiness of getting this job, then it really happened, doesn't this mean I really will earn $1500+ my first month? Why are there no psychic or future-teller kind of information to me? Why do I have to feel tomorrow first then I find out about it?

Day 229 outside ward(277 on medications)

My Simba data usage: 2.17gb/400gb.

I didn't sleep from 12am to 4am yesterday, but at night I slept, then it's kind of fair amount of sleep because I slept and woke up around 12a.m.

I dream alot yesterday but I don't remember my dreams, it's bad if don't remember dreams can't tell then no stories to write too, it's okay I guess I have to cope life not knowing my dream meanings.

Today I'm very happy because tomorrow is my working day, it's only 6 hours I hope I last that long at work, and it continues to become a better day in May, having money will be something fun in life, I really can still try to search for Sakinah even if she said it's a waste of money, I really feel it's a waste of time doing nothing as I'm turning 38 years old, I should effort or then I will think of everything as a dream instead, I think I won't become Psychologist/Psychiatrist because I have tattoo and Sakinah already knew my love for her I think it's enough, I feel like just working dishwasher all the way for many years to come, I saw an old man working as dishwasher at the company maybe I should become his age and continue working there.

It's hard my life thinking about money, remembering I need to supply myself cigarettes, that I thought I can quit soon, then the urge to keep buying still around I can't do anything about it. I'm helpless but the job have no break time it's an opportunity to quit cigarette I think, I really want to work well at this place and earn money but I don't know why doctors don't appear for me to ask if I will work here properly. I remember one of doctor's words is "if u take medicine u can work", it means I will be earning $1600 in April it seems like that, doctor said this last year I think, I really hope I do well.

I'm really stress I think the dark vision is the amount of cortisol built up in my body due to pain of my legs when I walk too much, I also feel like buying dopamine pills to keep my pleasure being around instead of having this anhedonic feelings, I remembered about Wahdiah yesterday night it feels like I asked for the break-up but I don't know if she will marry me this year or next year at all, I know she made me loss my memory from the happiness of asking for marriage then I loss my memory for my exam and school as well, it's really sad and crazy, it's so scary the feeling of not doing well in exam because of memory loss.

Yesterday I also remembered about Shahridah hitting her head to the wall, because of Alysha's lies as her nickname and sex with my brother kind of voices sounds, it's so bad the pain in my heart is like a stab in the heart, Alysha is judged as evil by me and if government give her a high status job because of University I feel there's corruption, because psychics didn't stop the employer and psychics knew about her but let her work at some place so good. The corruption is by Alysha and the psychic is due to the feeling of wanting Alysha to be stopped. Psychic maybe judge that she will work properly and not being a criminal at workplace then decided to let her to earn money to pay me back.

It's over 20 and 15 years then no one feels guilty letting her off is kind of bad, I loss 2 girls and 2 pleasures off my life because of her, I really feel helpless until now this age the 2 girls are not at effort to keep me up I feel like ruining any future chances like masturbating to the sister/cousin of the girls, the pictures. It's really the only way to ruin my future with them because I don't feel like they're around for me and I don't feel like they like me anymore because I have schizophrenia. Only Sakinah knows my feelings maybe, but she's out of topic, she really don't want me in the first place proven by tunang with monkeyface and I can't do anything about it. The barrier of my love stories are my doctors, relatives and maybe Ustaz due to it being Haram so they never promoted words that can create us together, they really letting the gap exist so we don't go into a relationship anyway, means I can't do anything about it unless 1 of the girls fight back and find me but it's like a 0% chance thing.

Yesterday I became really angry at Wahdiah for making me memory loss during my N level exam, I think I scored low because of her then she don't want a low scorer or low certification as husband, I feel that she should forget it and it's a fat hope that I will become a doctor, someone like me is back to the normal way of living like she created me to become when I demoralize from studying well in N level because of her. She said it's to help me from the pain of remembering Alysha's words that im "N level only so nak break up" pretending as Wahdiah as she knows/suspects I'm on the phone. I really loss Wahdiah's pleasure for so many years yet she don't do anything to help me.

I think life is like a juggle of who enters heaven by amalan or doing something good to Allah, I tried Ya Hayyu 100K times to recover and I didn't recover, then I don't think Wahdiah and Shahridah have the time to do that at all, if things like masturbation happens to their relatives or family, how can 3 of us enter heaven together with such data? I think they somehow created hell to me too by not appearing in my life and living their life becoming stronger without me or supporting me, it's good I left them not taking their money but they don't have the initiative to support me at all, it's too stupid they rather let me suffer even knowing the pain I'm experiencing writing in my blog my stories last time yet they don't care and didn't appear into my life to make things better. I have given up but who cares, Sakinah is in a normal feelings towards me and a barrier of love chances exist because of Haram to be in relationship, means I have no way to be cured.

All I can do is to work hard in April, then hoping I don't give up and earn money until December or 2027 continue working there, it's really difficult but they should let me have break times at there I guess to be more stable, they really can't do that I think, then I have to believe doctor I can work if I take medicine, I'm happy about it like over the top kind of happiness, remembering my quote about seed of plant growing having to maneuver from the stone on top to see the sunlight, I really think it's not impossible to be happy in May, I hope my thinking is right.

Weird Dark Vision Recovered

It's my first time the dark vision recovered and I feel fine in my life, it's weird this never happened before, I feel stronger and normalized somehow, I wonder what caused it, I have been resting on sofa, then I ate sardine and 3 chicken stix, then done, after some time(now 7.40p.m) the dark vision is gone, I feel much stable than before, it's weird and it's night time, first time this happened in my life. I feel so relaxed and relief.

I've been watching the Jacket to Buy and Planning to Buy Jeans, I really don't know what to do, I start to remember that if I will meet my future children's parents-in-law to become their friends first, doctor made me feel like I will meet them soon, I wonder why it's like that, then doctor also made me feel like I will have a steady this year too, the feelings are from voices that maybe Alysha created though, so it means I know nothing again, knowing the future is something pleasant when doctor is always true I can't detect the truth nowadays like having a Satan(the Alysha) in my life already, it's really sad like in Al-Quran Allah asked Rasullullah s.a.w to not be sad, then me like having a Kafir making me sad, even my neighbours are nicer to me than Alysha, it is stupid the information jumbled up into something that I can't know instead or hopeful everytime, she is stupid for making up information, then someone as stupid as her in University? It is shocking, the world will corrupt if she gets a status in Singapore, it's definitely a corruption that will happen, she's a criminal shouldn't be let free to become an example, definitely will happen a corruption.

The world one day will become unstable but due to the Dajjal, the appearance of Alysha as a high status is like an existence of Dajjal or a Secret Satan, she's so evil her mind is crooked and wicked, she didn't die from being evil but gain boyfriends that maybe will want to fight me for her, she created humans to become hungry to fight instead of peace, she's not a peaceful person at all. If I really were to become the right hand man of Imam Mahdi, she's someone I will warn Muslims about, instead of about Dajjal, she's the other one to be wary of.

Experiencing Dark Vision

Maybe the total of yesterday's walks and today's made me dark vision earlier than expected, it's really hard I remember it's something like my heart maybe will become stronger then it makes me dark vision? Because too happy and too angry will make me loss memory, means if my heart heals up due to walking a lot is good for heart, then I automatically experience dark vision?

It's hard the dark vision is not darkness but I feel like it's darker that's all, I wonder what causes it, I really feel unhealthy from too much walking maybe? I sitting down now hopefully can last a long time. I have been browsing Facebook about quotes of motivations from just now and now it's 5.18p.m, been hours of walking around + only that, it's making me angry like I worry about my working day on Wednesday, luckily tomorrow is Tuesday another off day.

I'm happy like crazy just now about my last day at jobclub then getting a job in April, then the seed image, of like have something on top of me feeling heavy and have to maneuver out of it to see the sunlight, I have it as my wallpaper, I think my feelings really that way, when I maneuver out, only growing 2 leafs, then 1 day will keep growing more and more, until seeds, I wonder what the seed means, is it my energy to live life? When the seed drops again to grow more, what is it as fact? I'm in a tough spot right now and just want to become better at managing myself, the sunlight is the money(salary) - $1600 in month of May, I will keep growing like getting Motorcycle License, then I truly hope I receive money support from my parents by the time I work on Wednesday. I remember I wasted my father's money for motorcycle license because of memory loss, then car license because of memory loss too, schizophrenia failed my life at start of it, it's really scary how I wasted money so much, then in the end I have to fork out myself maybe, as imagine other people really forked out money themselves. It's harsh, I wonder what happens to me(the seed) on the 9th month? I will become a tree? A bush? I hope I become successful too.

The dark vision created like laziness to write, then it's 5p.m+ like I overshot from the plan to write again, it's weird I feel happy, my heart really feels good too, maybe the walking caused it to feel better.

I like remember Ustaz Harunarrashid like he will visit me when I'm at my workplace 1 day, I wonder when or why, I hope someone tells me its not Alysha's lies again, it's very kind of anger-making always reminded of "her info instead" when it's usually wrong, it's about Ustaz giving me money to buy the jacket I "drool to have", the jacket have 4 pockets in front, it looks like military so my interest is soldier job, then I want to feel like a soldier. I really plan to buy like soldier pants too at Shein. Then I plan to buy a jacket to wear to work inside bus because it will definitely be cold, it's really hard I maybe just have to work first, I hope I can last forever at the workplace. I wonder how strong I can become from working here, the energy definitely is the $1600/mth salary, then it's only 6 hours, I really must do this job it's too good to be true the working hours and salary, I really love it a lot.

I remember like in June I will get money from my relatives, it seems like that, I remember voice of "Mummy"(my aunt), then mixed with Alysha's name, then I think Alysha maybe lied about it too, so I don't know when I will receive money. I really hope for a support to buy stuff, even if I'm earning or will be earning money already, it feels nice to feel like Hisyammudin when he work a cheap salary job then he gets $10K from his mother, it definitely energized to keep working on and become a better man, I hope they help me become a better man instead of me relying on myself on this growth, like the seed brought into a new area to grow, something like that, or even a water that is having fertilizers, like if water is food and drink, fertilizers are like extra special food maybe like Honey Chicken Wings, comfort of own room to increase, I feel like buying my own bed at TikTok though, it looks cheap, then maybe fertilizers can be wardrobe too, I have nothing in my room cicak can easily walk and sleep in my clothes, I'm so unlucky about this. Then maybe change the soil, lift the stone(giving money), change into smaller stone that allows a sudden straight growth even? I wonder how, a size to move stone is like impossible, if I'm the plant they are also plant size, impossible to move the stone. It's like needing a miracle - Wali Allah or Psychic Power or Even Kuda Kepang Power where can fly(the seed move to a nicer spot).

I really wonder what can help me except what I have written, I really hope I grow into becoming someone stronger and more capable like Hisyammuddin, I'm definitely a deadmeat feeling but I really must try for this way of life. He earned successfully continuously while I was struggling at that time skipping and missing medicines, he's so lucky he passed the phase until he know how strong he is to manage his life on his own, wow it's so great I really must become like that too. My cousin was thought of as someone childish then he became greatly successful, I definitely think it's special the success is a height I want to reach too.

Finish Jobclub Today!

The end finally, I'm starting work in 2 more days and I'm excited about the new job. It's a happy $1600/mth just for 6 hours work, I'm so happy about it, the coolest salary in the world I think.

I'm energized to do it, to feel a new life, even if I don't have Sakinah, I'm hoping she noticed me somehow but I guess her life choice and decision is really like this, it's been too many years and it's time for me to move on and get a life with someone else. I wonder who it's going to be but I don't want to be slow on getting a wife, it is harsh how they let me live my life growing to become old then not matching me up with Sakinah, all because Islam teaches it's Haram for relationships, then Sakinah didn't effort for me too, I really feel helpless and hopeless, I have nothing that I can get Sakinah, except to try if doctors just stop approaching her anymore to feel what her life is like without me, I really plan all well and nice for her to be managed without mental stress but then she is like this to me, I wonder if I should ask Ustaz Harunarrashid about her, I really want Ustaz to help me but I don't know when or how if it's not a problem, then it's like another barrier because in Islam, relationship is Haram, I really need like a messenger of my love to her, I really have nobody that will trigger her to effort for me, as in disallowed by her to speak to her myself, I really can't do anything about it.

Wednesday is the big day of working as dishwasher and it's going to be my happiest day of my life I think, it's finally the start of a new life journey, to start thinking of other girls in May as Wahdiah and Shahridah are avoiding me, I'm so unlucky barrier is created instead of a connection, all because relationship is Haram in Islam, I don't know how love happens in Islam, it's weird like we can really marry anyone we want if it's like that. It's really like a bullshit thing, I hope I meet someone for my love journey to exist or happen again, it's too much pain and loneliness then I need to be happy in life, I really goal to become a grandparent but then I also want to be a happy uncle that will spend time with nephews and niece(but she's already 20 yrs old), I wasted 17 years of Dina's life without feeling her hugs all that when she was a child, she stopped hugging me then lost in touch with her, I wonder why too, but without me she would always be in pain by Alysha anyway, I think I'm a good uncle to her.

The weight of life is quite heavy, the start of a new phase to experience like Hisyammuddin started his job last time, I'm really hoping I can do well too like him, just taking medicine daily will definitely help me, I hope I'm supported psychologically like Hisyammudin saying he feel spied but like to be employed by Law then I find it as something interesting his experience, it's weird I can't contact him maybe because I'm still childish and will ask how's it's like will he even tell me? I hope it's something about hacker job though, being the top hacker and not getting this $20k/mth job is a waste. I only heed doctor for this job, and I hope I can hack freely sooner than 40 years old, I'm too old already and the boredom is starting maybe unless I can hack again my happiness will rise again in life, to live independently without Sakinah and earning bigger than her in life. Maybe I will catch-up her salary of all the years she's worked then it became enough to deny her my entire life, so I can be happy spending for my family to places like U.S.A, Australia, France, Germany etc. I really want to see places but my family didn't go to such places for holidays, it's so boring.

My father turned 73 and my mother 70, then they're old but doctor ever said they will die at 100+ years old, where at 90+ years old I will keep buying 100+ for them to drink to remember their age will become 100+ years old. They made me wonder why they don't mind dying and me hating that they don't give me money, it's like waiting for them to die for money which is bad heart for me to experience, I just hope they give me money before any death happens, because it's like becoming evil as the days pass "to wait for their death for money", but I would start work soon $1600/mth and I don't even know if I can keep up and save for next year and next 2 years O and A level. I'm so old yet Sakinah have ignored me more than 10 years long, I'm really nothing to her I guess, I really have no where to see girls except wonder if jobplace will have any but then "go to work for girls" I become like that? But it's okay like my 1st Sister and her Husband met at workplace anyway and they got married now have 4 children, means it's okay to hope for a girl at workplace.

Day 228 outside ward(276 on medications)

I reached my last day at jobclub today, I hope doctors talk to me but I know they won't, I just want to know about my future, I feel like I will complete the Tampines job easily because I have to do it.

My Simba data usage: 1.78gb/400gb.

I'm now inside bus 161 at expressway to I.M.H, today really feels settled and easeful morning. Today I dreamt about me flying to many places as a secret druglord and dreamt about secret societies that don't want me out and continue doing drugs business. In the dream I rest like meditate and flew to places to run away, like a floating in the sky.

When I dream of flying, now after the dream, I think about kuda kepang, I never had such skills before but if to believe existence of Psychic and Wali Allah, does Kuda Kepang powers exist too? I really want to know, it's like in my memory that I will get Ilmu Kuda Kepang without practicing it, and it's "Raja Kuda Kepang" something like that the dream meaning. I'm the only one in the world to get it means I'm special by power, and I hope doctors tell me about it because they are psychics.

I really want to know Silat but I don't know how I can know Silat, I'm turning 38 years old and no one teach me Silat, I hope doctors teach me Martial Art because they are psychics.

My Love Story

Is it happening in my life at all, it's April soon then just 2 months to go that I'm 38, I kept thinking I'm 3 months then 38, wow, I'm really taking the medicine properly this time and I'm so happy about it. Will doctor mend my relationship with Wahdiah and Shahridah then help me out with Sakinah too? Do I only have to wait? Even if I will have money soon, the only place I can look for a girl is at my workplace, wow, the pain is really ending and I'm starting to become someone of a quite stable income, $1600 I'm so happy about it.

Nobody is supporting my love story of my wish because Sakinah don't appear in my life when I want her to, it's like she's waiting for me to be working too, like no extra talks to pity me that I have schizophrenia and tell me to not work and just give me money, it's really bad I have nobody speaking up for me and I just have to live life like what's been given to me, 1 month seems like a short time, because I started jobclub in January, today is 29th March, it's really ending soon, Jobclub made me feel quite happy and the one supervising me made me happy too, I only have tomorrow to do then I'm done with jobclub forever, how will I get girls that I have ever flirt with before? Why is it like this I just have to regard it as a schizophrenic stunt instead of getting them in my life?

It feels like my love story is really not happening, because I have work to do soon, Sakinah can't visit me at workplace it's weekdays 7.30P.M I finish, maybe after her work she's too tired too, except Friday maybe we can be spending time together, but I really don't know how to contact her myself and plan myself, everyday I want to just see her face, even if I save her photo I don't look at her photo everyday, its like she's not really giving me anything in my life and I'm just in love with her, then that's it, means we don't have a connection at all, only doctors that act as barrier to our relationship because of Islam teaches that relationship is Haram, it's hard my luck, I really just hope I will work well this April. May will be the month I take Motorcycle License, I really hope I can do it well, I really want an easier life.

Then stories of doctor taking me to work at ward as a nurse after 3 months dishwasher, is it even real? I really will earn bigger in life doing easy job? Nurse looks small size but still can work means I can do it too, I really want an easy life and earn big money, but I really don't know it could be just a dream and I'm schizophrenic, will it also mean that I will remove tattoo this year? Wow is it really ending? Another pain of my life.

Pain of life:

Jobclub's little money

Cigarette but I don't know my brother still smokes

No license

Alysha didn't ease my pain and give me money

Tattoo

I kept getting angry over and over again thinking about Alysha, it sucks my life I hope I recover soon, my accuracy is off even if I bath on time that it means I will break items easily by accident and it means I'm schizophrenic, it's weird the pain of voices are the sentences said, that fumes me up into a hot life journey and experience, I really can't do anything about it but just wait.

Mid-Day Dream

I dreamt that I had haircut for $4, I dreamt of carrying chicken and bread, 1 bread part dropped on the floor, then bought Milo that costs $1 for 50 cents, the seller put back 50 cents into my coinbag.

I slept awhile in the afternoon just now because of feeling tired, tomorrow is last day of jobclub and I'm happy about it is ending, then it's a day off then work at Tampines, I'm happy I've gotten a job at Tampines. The excitement is real it's definitely 1 of the happiest thing to happen to me and I'm really working at 1.30P.M until 7.30P.M, means I wake up in the morning and not sleep until night time as usual, it's definitely an adventurous feeling this coming job at Tampines.

I really wonder what my dream meant, it's like a memory instead, like it was real, I mean the Milo being cheap feels like shop at School is supposed to be cheap, I wonder what school is it too, the dream felt so real like it ever happened, or maybe I dreamt this before.

I bought Milo at shop for $2.20 after waking up from that dream.

I really feel heavy my life, I really want Sakinah to be around to think stuff for me, or to support me with money, with her I feel like asking for money but with other girls I don't feel like asking for money at all, it's maybe because of the feelings like soulmate, it's weird I became like not so shy of Sakinah but it's impossible because my face turned red if I'm shy then she made me that way in M.R.T that time, I really have no one that will get her for me, she still haven't love me and living her life "in peace" without me, it's weird to believe she's my soulmate then she didn't news me that she didn't get married then suddenly just living life, it's weird she really looks like she's not married in my memories of her videos, but it could be a dream too. It's been 1 year then she really living her life instead of thinking for me solutions on what to do in life, like I have to do common sense of working even if I'm schizophrenic, I haven't recovered but had to work, anyway I'm happy about tomorrow as my last day of jobclub earning total of $162 in March, +$144 in February that I will get end of March it's $306 total earnings.

I guess will be doing cold turkey to not have cigarettes in month of April then it's the end of the pain of cigarettes, I really don't have to smoke anymore my entire life hopefully. It's weird there's no break time at workplace for that but I have to believe it's really like that. It's really okay though because the money is big $1600/mth, I'm truly happy about it.

Day 227 outside ward(275 on medications)

My Simba data usage: 1.77gb/400gb.

To 1 Year: 138 days left outside ward & 90 days left on medications.

I really typed a lot yesterday, a lot of post due to uneasiness. I remembered again some parts of my life last year, I bought a jacket last year then 3 pants then I think I gave them away to someone else, it's really bad the feelings I have was unstable then this year now I'm buying it again. I would feel ashame of the brandless items then not wanting to wear it because since young I would wear branded stuff, it's really bad the schizophrenia.

I really don't feel like I will become President of MUIS like doctor said because he said I will work at Popeyes before then I did not, means he said "if" instead then a story, but it really make sense about Psychology/Psychiatrist, but I really don't know why he said "if" in front, maybe it's all too much for me and I should just pass my O level then take Diploma in Computer matters. I don't know why doctor said it like that, then it also means maybe I just don't remove my tattoo but instead add tattoo too to make me feel stable of buying t-shirts and shirts thats short sleeved. I really don't know and need someone to guide my life, because information of doctors could be just a dream or he saying "if" in front.

I really have grip on my heart to leave Wahdiah and Shahridah alone, then regarding it as a break-up from schizophrenia, they didn't hang on to counter my words sadly the break-up is the reality I didn't know it happened but it just felt that way they suddenly felt so much apart in my life and they're gone. They probably consider my mental sickness is something they shouldnt be with anyone at all too, then I just have to move on instead of waiting for them, it's like story of doctor that I will become President of MUIS he maybe said "if in future u become President of MUIS" instead of "in future u become President of MUIS" means he whispered the first word softly that it becomes another version of reality story that felt so real because he is psychic, I'm so shocked I became nothing in life and I'm so angry I scored 100% all subjects in N level but I grow up to become nothing kind of man now at 38 years old. It really sucks schizophrenia eaten my life into nothingness.

Wonder why doctor made me feel dreamy about my future like "is it real?", I think it's just too much and I have became nothing kind of man, to even love Wahdiah and Shahridah is just something that isn't happening, they really gone from my life due to schizophrenia from Alysha. I remembered Shahridah knocked her head on wall because of Alysha, I really feel angry my care is useless too, Alysha successfully created a suicidal level of pain into my life and got away with it without entering prison, maybe she is crazy if not schizophrenia.

I then think again, it's like it's real that I will become what I plan to become, because I flirted with girls telling my future then it matches my interest, it makes sense, maybe I will still be with Wahdiah and Shahridah because Alysha is too much creating pain into 2 person's life at once. I remember if stories of Sakinah sex with Iman, its maybe by Alysha too because the voices exist to cause pain into my life to imagine that, if I didn't hear it it's nothing, I didn't become an insane person like closing my ears is the good thing, I really feel like I should become a psychologist already due to the pain level created to me but I didn't commit suicide, it's just harsh thinking everyday when shes going to payback ever since my recovery phase, it's really stupid.

3 more days I will work at Tampines then I plan to be working here permanently. I really want to stay and become someone capable to stand up on my own, story of doctor is really important to tell me if I would really stay and grow stronger at this location, I really want to do well and praying I have the strength for it.

Thinking what I'm becoming

It's a lot of weight like a hike at mountain daily, I move upwards in life like a tired energy of doing it over and over again, I don't know why taking medicine feels like this, no wonder people miss medicine a lot of times, but Hisyammuddin got it perfect on his first try, he's so lucky in life getting this phase of life over permanently and became a successful man, I'm happy of his achievement and goaling to become at least like him to be in a fixed job.

I like remember doctor saying I will be 10th or 11th President of MUIS, the 8th President was since 2003-2021 then currently it is the 9th President, so I suspect maybe if I learn Islamic Studies again, doctor could be right that I'm 10th President of MUIS 1 day, but they don't have a listing of things I would do in life for me to see that I am getting better daily, instead I reflect myself to be like Mdm Halimah Yacob who was a cleaner, then I think doctor could be right, I'm definitely angry I'm nothing when I can achieve so high in life, I don't want to become a nothing kind of man, then there's no guide about words of doctors about my future. 2003-2021 is 18 years, so I wonder the current President maybe already 5/6 years done then I estimate I will be 48 in 10 years so maybe around that same age also I will become President of MUIS? Definitely I can't be too old too, I really hope the pain goes away of thinking like I'm nothing and people don't let me rest but make me work as dishwasher then these high status stories appear in my mind, why am I going through like Mdm Halimah Yacob? How did she cope the pain? It is suicidal to be nothing when stories we are something, then we achieve it instead of people just giving the pleasures of life, we really have to achieve it ourself? Means I really earn money for O level and A level? 2026 is the year to earn to provide me for 2 years in education? Why are people being so mean to make me be like that? Can't I feel lighter in the year of 2027 and 2028?

I really don't know what to do in life, I feel like nothing in life, I feel like I can achieve myself in this dishwasher job then feel like spending away my money on clothes like denim jacket, and cargo pants, I really want to feel having enough in life, even jeans to go out on weekend that I don't know where I can go except to search for Sakinah which she don't like me to do that because I would waste my money, then I should have enough for now? My $7 each long pants, then just any nice t-shirt or long sleeve to go out? Why is it like that? People are not putting weight on me? I can't have a nicer life with support of anyone else? I really need to wait and carry this kind of weight in life? It's so heavy but people ignore it, it's like hiking a mountain then sometimes carry a bag, sometimes cutting down the trees, there's no river to take boats or vehicle to bring me up, I wonder what I should do in life, what can make my life easier like that? What should I throw off the bag to make it lighter? What is the bag in this case if medicine is the hike? If bag is cigarette I am quite shocked too, is it really like that? I really hope I make it with support but I'm just living my life without anyone being happy for me, they just wait and wait for me to become something successful and that's it, I'm not updated of their plans to reward me something in life because I deserve it especially my N level days, there's still no reward until today.

Why I have no one?

I assume everyone ran away assuming I would ask money from them, it's really bad but it turns out I have no friends in the end. I read a quote that colleagues are not friends, but I hope my work colleague will treat me as a friend if around my age, I really don't know what to do in life, now I only have imagination of working afternoon until night, sleep, then wake up in the morning for medicine, it's like that continuously my life in future. I goal to do well in April, but I hope nobody like Alysha demoralize me out of a sudden, if my N level I continued learning then maybe I would have achieved 3 or 2 at least in other subjects, it's too sad nobody sued her because maybe wanting her stable so she can work and earn money first to pay me back.

Who are the readers if my friends had ran away, if Izzuddin and Sadiq becoming Wali Allah this year or Next Year, means psychic doctor would meet them to tell them about their status? I know it's about this year or next year that they will become Wali Allah, time really flies, I hope I am introduced of a kind of power that I understand that Allah really have "power", like I understand "psychic exist" and they maybe don't serve people but their jobs, and it's only because I'm their adopted son they tell me my future, they however don't tell me why I don't receive money though.

It feels like I will really do work well for April, and finally everyone can see me as someone that can stand up on my own, I don't know why I'm like a crippling man or struggling I truly hope I don't become a lazy man.

In May I will take my Motorcycle License on my own I guess, I think I can afford a K.R if I keep working maybe, I really don't know about motorcycles at all, I just starting to feel that in life there's no where to go except search for soulmate that is considered as being settled by doctors and ustaz? Why is it like that? Why I don't have somewhere to go in life? I really won't be watching the sea at beach, fishing, accompanying my nephews as they will have a boring life if have no one, they have each other is what's nice, I really just must buy a Small Lorry so they feel experience of fun being outdoor on the road, the wind will make it adventurous day everytime they ride my lorry.

I really plan to buy a small lorry like P.M Lawrence Wong enjoys his guitar, to spend time with my nephews. By that time I will already be earning $1600/mth doing this job and should have enough to treat them everytime.

Thinking of my nephew makes me think of Dina again, she's grown so big that maybe my schizophrenic sadness caused me to dream of Dina as 3 years old "Adriana" and I spent time with her during the world war taking care of her, I dreamt that Japanese still invade Singapore somehow. It's harsh I can mix dream and reality due to schizophrenia, nobody takes care of me about this but I'm left writing about it here. In my dream I fought japanese alone like 1000 of them, in a narrow space that only 1 and 2(2 sides) can pass by to try hit me, and I defend myself from all of them, in the dream I felt super tired and I shouted "Allahuakhbar!" when I got confronted by Samurai Users in front of the elevator at 554 my 2nd Sister's old house. Why did I dream such thing protecting Shahridah and made her run away first? In the dream I had sex with a terrorist girl that have AK-47 and was also fighting japanese soldiers. I truly hope doctors tell me this dream meaning for me faster but I don't feel like I got attention of doctors to tell me, it's sad I have to bear with it like an adult(I'm turning 38 years old and my heart is like 22 years old).

It's really heavy my life all alone for so many years, if I were to earn I only feel like giving my family, then I would be calculative on my girl if they knew me first that I'm difficult and they didn't help me first, I am not a guy that asks money from a girl but I expect a kind of initiative that supports my life into something. I really felt that Shahridah and Wahdiah had truly left me then I wonder what they are thinking if they really want to leave me, like Shahridah have status of Mdm I really thought she have symptom of schizophrenia and thought had married me so the status is like that and the school pitied her just putting Mdm. It's really heavy but I am going through this alone over and over again everyday, coping with memory dash in like I will become President of MUIS, doesnt it indirectly meant that I will become an Ustaz 1 day? I hope Ustaz Harunarrashid tell me about my future I really want to know, why would I become someone that Solat everyday and become an Ustaz? President of MUIS means an Ustaz or not?

Done topping up EZ-link

It's weird the feelings, I have $64 left in EZ-link it's quite satisfying to imagine working at Tampines soon, ever since not really a fast smoker I became worried of time and like a crisis of things to do, I really have nothing to do to spend my time, it's always the same thing written by me. What can trigger Wahdiah or Shahridah to contact me: 80244202? I really don't know, I don't have anyone that will contact me, everyone rather I skip topic of money but I really take medicine now why I can't be supported with money?

I really feel bored like I have nothing to feel occupied about, like I'm time-wasting everyday at sofa until night time then it's time to sleep, life is really heavy, on Wednesday I work at 1.30p.m until 7.30p.m, even if schizophrenic, people expect me able to work, I wonder why is it like that, I wonder who would like to see me fail in life, I definitely have to work to counter such anticipations or wishes. I'm not allowed to feel rich, then now anhedonic, I can't even get a medicine that cures me but just the schizophrenia medicine, April 20 is my next jab then it's finally May my happy month of losing anhedonia as will change medicine. I'm not given a chance to try meet Sakinah at all too, my confidence is 0% when I try her even until now I am not confident I will be happy and get her. She don't give me a chance or is nice to me at all. So many years, she maybe forgotten about me already.

Why do I have to earn myself from April to May? Family didn't let me feel lightness in my life, all I want to do is spend time with Sakinah but to accept this as a rejection, I really should search for other girls. I don't know how I can be successful in getting a girl because I'm a shy guy. 40 years old like my limit for marriage that I feel it as something too late already by fact and I should just be earning money and saving money in my bank first.

I'm like a slow brain due to mental sickness but then if I'm intelligent how can I be someone slow? I'm really suffering like a steeper hiking of mountain daily I wonder why it's like this. They should just provide for me and I don't have to work but I guess I just have to get a rental home anyway. I really feel bad it's only transport money.

Why is it like this?

I've received money from my mother for my ez-link transport money to work at Tampines - $50, I hope life became easier but this still looks ease was given by my parents, it's harsh I still have to earn by myself then I'm schizophrenic + lovesick but they truly let me do this sort of things, why they don't pity that I'm lovesick? I'm really starting my job as a Dishwasher and it's going to be a tough life, I haven't quit smoking yet but I remember I must afford it myself, it's weird life calculation cant become me saving away given cash for cigarettes instead, I'm going to become someone that quit smoking instead.

Just now I smoke my body feels good like I didn't smoke for 1 day straight, just because I smoked only 4 sticks yesterday, my recovery seems to be by time like schedules imagining me aging getting nothing unless I work, if I'm really going to become President of Singapore as said by doctor, why my parents or relatives didn't support me like I really have to work like Mdm Halimah Yacob was a cleaner last time, I have to understand a life that's the hardest part of it? If I'm going to be President of Singapore, will Sakinah believe about it why don't she just pity my difficulty and come into my life? Why Wahdiah and Shahridah also living their life without me without a problem? It's because I loss my memory then they confirmed it but they don't pity how I have nothing to spend for my life experiences and they rather living difficult life with me(susah senang same2) than giving me any money to survive?

At what age will I become President of Singapore? How sure is doctor about this? Because doctor is psychic, I really still don't believe I become someone that my relatives really liked me to become, it is hard but they really want me to become something that's pleasant like Solat everyday, they didn't decrease the weight in my life other than common sense money like Transport, it's really like an own survival, I have to ask for it again when it's finishing is why.

When I close my eyes I saw a black jacket that have burning fire image, maybe it's my memory looking at Shein clothing site, but where did the colours come from? It's like a dream in wake, colours appear in darkness, this didn't become a topic to talk about by my relative but they probably just consider me as schizophrenia's symptoms, if I'm really someone intelligent what's wrong with giving me any money to spend and not be worried anymore, because of cigarette? They know old pipe smokers smokes but didn't die because of cigarette then it's still fine to be a smoker in the family still.

My Aunt and Uncle maybe smoke but their life weight is lighter because nobody stopped them from smoking, it's really weird my parents being strict about it, instead of supporting my habits of it to create lightness into my life.

I know I will quit smoking soon but I don't know when, it feels like April, because today is 28, I last for 4 days, so it's until 31 March. Means April I suddenly will have a total new life as a none-smoker.

I feel like spending on $20 Denim Hoodie Jacket at Lazada, $36 3 Pack Cargo Pants at Shein, $56 Soldier Jacket at TikTok, Some Jeans, then I can't know from doctor if I will really work already, $1600 is something that will cause me to buy all these, I'm really happy even if doctor say I won't work something of a stable salary if from jobclub, it's really alot in my opinion that $1400 is considered big amount already.

I hope I gain adopted brothers that's caring enough to give me money that I feel panic about if I finish mine, my bank is $311, then I have $50 in wallet, I don't know why they are becoming like my parents, maybe doctor became a barrier that I won't receive money quick enough because of the treatment they feel as good.

I remember Naim and Epul considered me as real brothers but I still don't have the advantage in life of getting money support from them, it's really hard but when I think again, both have own girls and maybe family to care. I know 1 day doctor won't disappoint me and let me create a family-sharing blog website and forum and I will invite all my adopted family members to write in it, it's weird if I still understand something by definition, I really feel a parent should be more caring by giving a lot of money, as I plan my children to not feel a poor life at all forever, it's really sad if they feel poor in life like me, I want my grandchildren to be happy too, it's sad if I imagine 38 years old and I still have no babies, 39 still none, 40 still none, maybe 41 instead as "AL" it reminds of Allah, Puan Hamidah Bahashwan said if "nak sangat" bagi but tak bagi Sakinah to me, it's really bad my life. 39 Years old O level, 40 years old A level, 41 years old Psychology Studies, why can't I have someone when I'm 38 years old? I'm already too old and I feel weak without imagination of a lover by my side. Love is strength in my opinion.

Cant someone just contact me and confirm from doctor if I really will work maximum salary except off day in April? Hahaha, I'm so excited.

Anyway im reminded that my Nephew have extra Fishing Rod I wish to use to Fish 1 day.

The War of Iran and USA+Israel, like no girls care that it could become World War Soon then they don't approach me at all, if story of Islam in the past "Black Gold"(Oil) became a chase in the world, then the Oil is currently being chased is like the sign of World War and the girls should get in touch with me already. It is hard feelings my life like this. If Russia and Iran really team up, I feel like the Winner is Iran in the War, it's weird because Russia can finish Israel easily, but Iran's leader died already it makes the win meaningless. If Iran were to attack U.S.A country, Muslims exist in it then may kill Muslims anyway, so if theory of End of Times, Iran will win the War but how can U.S.A lose the war if Muslims in U.S.A exist Iran can't bomb the country? This is the most talked about like war then the killings really happen and Iran only attack bases of U.S.A and Tel Aviv in Israel. When I think again, if Mosque exist, why they believe they own Al-Aqsa to claim as their country at there? Why the whole world isn't helping about it? Palestine if a poor country, building mosque is so expensive, then they didn't get to use it is already sad, it's weird the whole countries everywhere didn't support to allow Al-Aqsa to just be given to Palestine.

Talking about poor, my life is also considered as poor, with $1600/mth soon as my happiness I definitely will feel rich and "my life not compared to become like Palestine" to feel the pain even if can feel the ease by being given money, i don't understand my parents' treatment why would they compare the life of Palestine and Africa when we can have a nicer life, I even imagined drought days of Dajjal have ever happened then it's been over 10 years and still no Dajjal, I feel we should just live life like American and copy their life journey of success like becoming a Soldier, I really want to become a Soldier and become a Successful Singaporean like a Successful American Love Story.

But scary American love story is like "sex with neighbour, maid, soldier's wife" I really goal for a pure love loyal story instead, like a soldier going back home to loyal wife and children and be a happy life family. I really want a life with Sakinah as a Soldier.

Surviving Life

Life is still heavy despite everything the worries of finishing money exist but I think I should have enough or just nice, it's weird I have to be living life like a survivor, the weight my family put on me is heavy but my brother ease it with $200 then $1000 given to me, I'm really happy. It's like I have spent $700 away, from cigarettes and $310 on RG477V I wonder where the $390 goes to, I imagine Ramadan the month of buying a lot of drinks and food that costs $3.20, it really goes away so fast. I'm still happy that I will be earning $1600 in April, I hope to match story of doctor and do well there's no other people energizing me on my life but I just have to hold on like this, being alone in life, having nothing to do, it's just harsh I can't even give my niece and nephews money for Hari Raya, something that is normal for someone my age, then I can't afford to do it. I wonder why my family don't mind that I don't have money in life that much to be happy in Hari Raya, they treat it as something normal in life instead, they don't see that I want to feel the pleasure of giving money to the cute babies and nephews and nieces. Then I can't do such thing, they didn't support me with money to survive schizophrenia without medicine but they many times let me become collector of items from outside dust bin, I am surprised how my parents can afford to go Batam but can't afford to give me money, only when their days to Batam I will get $19 CDC voucher for 2 days+. It's harsh living life like this but they let me experience this kind of life.

I would save money living with my parents if I became rich myself as to save the rental money for myself instead, I plan to not visit my family anymore if I became richer by myself, then let them experience a sadness of losing a child before I die, it's just unfair how they actually have money to go Batam or pay for me to go Batam but I can't decide to keep ticket money for my spendings instead, its weird I can't become a saver of money to make myself richer and try going out with girls, girls seeing that I have no money definitely won't want a difficult life with me, at least they want someone working but my schizophrenia is not understood that they maybe reason "no work" when actually because I have a mental sickness as the real reason, even if I can manage with medicine, they really don't care about me living a hard life while their life easier with money, they didn't even give me some support as a symbol of love, I receive no more love from Wahdiah and Shahridah, except the unknown or hidden loyalty if it truly exist, I would still be happy. It's the weirdest relationship that I loss memory and they somehow know or verify it by my actions that maybe I only created them to wait for me to be 38 years old, because it is impossible to remember everything, I wonder what confirmed them that I loss memory, except maybe doctors visited them to tell me about my condition as something real and not made-up by me to get pity or sympathy.

The excitement of April is real that I hope I maintain energized from the salary amount to keep working all the time instead of being someone lazy or useless, because I'm not lazy, it's just the schizophrenia and saying "lazy" is the easiest answer to tell "not going to work", the pain is not understood by my family or relatives but they see it as something that I can live with, like "too bad don't receive money even if schizophrenia" that I have to swallow living with this decision from my family and relatives. It is really scary my life being a smoker then I just need $1000+/mth to keep up my habit, even if saying $300 or $150 monthly, they won't support my smoking habit at all, it's really harsh my life having needs that people can't supply me.

My mental is unstable thinking of buying hoodie denim jacket and buying cigarette box, the price is about the same, then remembering "wealthy people buy asset", then jacket is something to keep if have it but then I remember I haven't worn my Adidas Hoodie or Hooded Long Sleeve as a lifestyle, then now is Hari Raya for 1 month the freedom to use bicycle is not around yet, because will keep having to put it behind kitchen inside house and it's troublesome to use bicycle.

I wish my family gives me a lesser panic in heart but I don't know their decision is like this is the best despite knowing I will need money they hold on to not give to me anything, just surviving every Batam trip, I have money like that first for now it is really hard they actually spend more if go Batam and don't have a business to earn more but they don't mind spending away so much money.

I sometimes wish psychologists will be around to tell my needs for me due to they are psychics but it's unstable to be so strict to me too, it's really difficult life to live like this.

I hate how Alysha created me dreamy of getting money that I became loss of information of when I will receive money then none of my family or relative sue her, it is weird like this I'm left alone most of the time in my difficulty of living life with schizophrenia.

I feel like schizophrenic person just need to maintain hygiene and fixation of shower time to be looking stable minded, but the loss of accuracy will cause breakage of important items and they will drop or spoil by mishandling due to bad judgement and still causes the kind of anger for schizophrenia to occur, I don't know why I'm weak like this but no alternative treatment like "spending a lot for nice feelings" as another way of keeping me stable. It's bad this is the best they can think of for me and I have to live through it like a survivor.

I don't know why I have many bapak angkat or mak angkat then even abang angkat then none of them provide me money, like their treatment is the same as my parents' decision instead of special feelings to occur that I will have more money from any of them. My memory loss makes me get such status with people maybe they pitied me that I feel I have no family members, it's hard life with schizophrenia and having to go through the pain of someone's attack story like having another version of life story to feel, then I truly feel the pain even if it's wrong or a lie of someone. Why didn't they support me like making me have someone to accompany me? My stories will be the same like in blog and it would be telling wrong information of my life due to version of life story created by Alysha?

It's stupid I really can't get my life to be stronger.

Day 226 outside ward(274 on medications)

My Simba data usage: 1.73gb/400gb.

I have 139 days left to be 1 year outside ward and 91 days left to be 1 year on medications. The pain is finally ending, the recovery is getting closer.

Yesterday smoked 4 sticks only and today only 1 my last stick, means I have smoked very little already and hoping to quit cigarettes.

Yesterday I dreamt a lot but I don't remember my dream sadly, it's something about McDonalds Toys, I was given half cheese burger by Sharon Ang(my primary school classmate) that's very rich and the McDonald toys are Human Size they are very big. I don't know why I dreamt of her eating McDonalds.

In my dream she's a very rich girl already.

I only remembered the last part of my dreams, it was nothing love and relationship, it's just about food and "buying food without me" thing.

Yesterday I planned to write just very short blogpost and no more about Sakinah but I really don't know if my life really can write nothing about her, I miss her like a level of insanity and heat in my body, like she let me burnt instead of being around for me, I don't know what she's doing it's a very good job but she don't even meet me every end of Friday or Saturday, I think the conversation she had with me can be told by psychic how I would talk then I really don't know if I said all "that", but psychic been always right, wonder why information of psychic knowledge about my future status by doctors, then she still don't come back to me to be with me when I'm nothing to become something in future.

Today is Saturday, I'm happy tomorrow is Sunday then after that it's my last working day at Jobclub, I'm really happy it is ending and then a day off, for my first day of work at CleanMark Solutions on Wednesday, I'm happy like crazy of the job I'm getting to do, I really pray for my happiness to be everlasting. I'm reaching the day of information of doctor that I will work maximum salary except off days and I'm happy I would be earning so much even at a 6 hours job. I remember the O.T doesn't take $200 agent money and I get it instead monthly if not my salary is $1400/mth, I'm really happy that I feel rich already before the job start.

Loner like crazy

Will I be fine once I work, will I have anyone to message when I start work? Are they around my age at workplace? Questions in my head really a lot.

How will I live without thinking of Sakinah anymore? She got into my head permanently then she don't pity me that I experience such thing and let it be, it's really bad the feelings, it's not nice being in love with someone, I wonder what I should do.

I was browsing items at Lazada just now then I thought of buying Hoodie Denim Jacket they look nice to have, but maybe only will use to go work and back from work? I really don't know I feel like the work require a jacket to be inside bus because the t-shirt looks cold to wear.

I remember something like a voice story maybe my dream, a girl that wants me to become somebody that solat daily is definitely hard to happen because I can't do that, I always don't match criteria of girls, I'm so unlucky in my life, I wonder why it's in my memory but it could just be another story of Alysha to ruin my chances with other girls, I don't know what's wrong with her maybe she is crazy a little, then schizophrenic sometimes, like having 2 mental illness at once because she loss memory when she attack me.

I wonder of my luck wanting to get money from her old attacks to my life but what's bad is if her parents the one that's paying me instead, her parents never did anything to me then it could become like that because of the another story that her mother giving me $50K($25K for each girl Alysha caused breakups), then $10K to each girls. It's weird if her parents the one that pay anything I don't feel stable about it.

I don't know her parents judgement on her they look well and okay when I saw Alysha at the gate and Hari Raya, it's weird I wonder when her father will support my recovery because he's a Wali Allah, there seem nothing happening even if I walk passby him multiple times, like there's no special power to heal me, his wife have schizophrenia anyway so maybe it's like the same expectation from his wife that Wali Allah can heal someone as the story we hear since kids days. It's like my relative can't heal me too despite being a Wali Allah. I really don't know why Allah make me sick + understanding what it feels to be in love at the same time, it's so unfair, then the difficulty is from my shyness, my education standard, my money, my job etc. There's just too many barrier in my life from getting Sakinah, I should move on and look for a random girl that maybe can get lucky as if doctor is right that I will become President of MUIS etc., she will get a nice status just by loving me and accompany my life ever since my difficult days of my life.

My last time

Got my last stick I think it's my last cigarette. I really can't do anything about it, I'm probably suffering because of cigarette anyway, in the past I scored 100% all subject I was not a smoker, but it's still 100% of what I have studied - my scores in exam. It's just harsh, from 29th June to 15 August I was in ward then I didn't learn anything from August onwards, I really just heck care about my education and I get 0 marks from June I guess that's why I only scored 4 in my N level, only my English is 2 but my Malay is 4 also, it's just pass I think? Then it feels like "no wonder they didn't reward me anything", when actually if they didn't ward me maybe I would still be scoring high? I didn't take medicine is why, I think I learnt something scored 100% again then loss memory then I can't do it anymore then they ward me, it's really bad it's always the same date, I wonder what on earth happened every time that date, I like still believe of Suntricity existence even if I take medicine.

During my Hari Raya, my left eye have something pop out due to burnt from fire of cigarette, then this year it happened again, my Aunt asked why my face different, I guess it's the same thing that happened to me and it happened again, like believing of Suntricity, it's occurrence of heat at the same location causing the same body movement so my left eye became burnt again, because of the same body movement, why is it like that? It's exactly on Hari Raya also.

I've really smoked lesser I think the end is real this time because my job will be 6 hours, then there's no break time, I hope I can pass this moment of my life, life is like an exam to treat it like an education to not smoke is hard but I must do it. It's going to be the 4th month soon, then 4 more months my elevator will be done, there won't be any noises at my house anymore, then December it's going to be R.T.S Link, then 2 months from April, will my friends be appearing back in my life again? They ever promised me money at my 38 years old, I call it pity money but they call it black magic penalty money, hahahaha, weirds, they really believe they black magic me, but I can't do anything about that, I just want to accept the money and live my life in June onwards.

When I close my eyes just now i saw a black man in suit and dancing like circling his right arm frontwards and backwards continuously, I wonder why in this sunlight at my window, I see such things, why I vision something in my eyes? It's like seeing my nephew in the past before he exist I saw him first then he changed into face of my father, it's like that, then now when he grow up his face really changing like my father's face. It's weird my life, am I abit of psychic maybe? I really wish to know things like psychic so I can get my soulmate at the age I want. It's hard like even if Puan Hamidah Bahashwan said "kalau dia nak sangat kita bagi dia tengok dia boleh ke tak", something like that, but then they tak bagi Sakinah at all, I really feel no hope of getting Sakinah immediately, she let me suffer walking around in Singapore searching for her forgetting I have ever talked/spoken to her in M.R.T at Fence of Innova Junior College, I got angry again when I remember she wear sports uniform like nothing and people seen her skin more than me, means they are more special than me. She really consider it as nothing I guess, it's harsh my life falling in love with someone that dont take care of herself properly.

It's been too many times I hint for her but it didn't work out I think I should give up too and just write around about my life. I really think I'm too old age that people treat me like adult instead of caring for my life, they really not being nice to me at all making me feel having something but actually I'm in poor life no matter what amount given to me like G.S.T/Assurance Package given in August $850 and December $600 and I've finished it, then now having $310 left in bank, for spending on cigarettes I guess my money flow out quite fast. Waiting for my $144×2 months of jobclub, then +$18 for this month because it's 9 days instead of 8 days.

I feel like writing a lot because I feel it's like writing less then it's more readers now instead of writing more then more readers, the point is I aim to get adsense into my blog so I earn money, that's why I want to have readers.

I really hope I get a lover by the time I work as dishwasher at Tampines, life is too lonely, 6 hours of work still have sleep hours and waking hours to spend time with lover, every weekend especially. Sakinah is not abiding my wish then I really don't know what to do like imagine her kepala batu she tunang with monkeyface. It's stupid letting her be touched again like that I should've became sick of her then I should don't know that she's not married but I should be living life normally but then she still got contacted by my doctors and relatives making me can't get her because "relationship is Haram" to them in Islam so they are around as a barrier to my love story too, because they won't ask for the relationship. I think I should masturbate to her mother and give up, then I have nothing to wait on anymore.

Feeling like inside ward

I don't know what people do everyday, everyone seems occupied in life while I'm living a life of multiple feelings, delusions, voices, thoughts, anticipations, hallucinations and alot of hope for whatever is nice to be real.

I starting to feel myself like inside ward like nothing to do for hours and just walking around, lying on bed, looking at people, hearing voices most of the time and I can't do anything about it, I don't know what is the help needed but psychic wasnt around to tell if it's voices or real voices of human, something I can't differentiate due to the loudness of it, I remember like I ever shouted all alone when I hear noisy voices thinking nobody will hear what I say so must shout because the voices too loud, I think it's symptom of schizophrenia like "raising voices", it's weird the pain is real heat and hotness then Sakinah really let me live like this kind of treatment, her only decision have to become "meet" me then she doesnt do it for over 21 years long. Did she become dumb, I wonder like such. There's no psychologists or psychiatrists that will pair us up or even ustaz because "relationship is Haram" in Islam, so it means I became having additional problems of getting Sakinah because their conversation would be about marriage straight away then definitely Sakinah that don't know me and someone that wear sports during school sports definitely would reject me, like mat kental people would say, about "relationship as Haram", its too strict, how love exist if like that?

I've come to realize Sakinah's decision is that I live a life not knowing her at all but doctors etc. maybe won't leave her alone anymore, they let her feel comforted of having my answers when she needs it, instead of doing things my way like just punishing her to not receive any good ideas or plans of mine, I'm really not getting my way of getting her, but being 38 years old soon, it really means if I have babies, babies will be sick, it's really stupid that my life even if that as the reason, they don't match me up with Sakinah with reason that relationship is Haram as the only thing they've decided to be like that. How am I going to get a girl then? Any pretty girls probably can make me fall in love first or even my last due to I loss memory of Wahdiah and Shahridah, I'm still not sure why their decision and choice is: I experience pain and suffering in life, it's like a torture but I have to go through it.

They all know what comfort means, it means appearing into my life, but none of them do it, I really lose my chances of experiencing something nice before I age too much but they let me grow old without any happiness or experiences. I definitely feel like committing suicide due to strict ruling of pain, it's like a pull of nerve it's so painful. I wonder why I will become Wali Allah that have to Solat, why can't I become a Wali Allah without having to Solat? I really can't imagine myself Solat at all, maybe zikir is the alternative of Solat then it is fine, I really want such powers to know what to do in life, I want the peace of being a Muslim but I have schizophrenia. I'm definitely not peaceful and losing many chances of having a girl starting from "mental problem" that people naturally avoid in life, it's sad I'm so unlucky to this level but people not caring enough to let me get what I want in life. They're too much with their "plans".

I don't know what will happen 1 day when I msg Ustaz again, it's going to be about tattoo removal program, that he already changed masjid then I don't know if it's still around, it's really sad have to be this way but I am going to be the first person to msg first I guess, there's no clue that Ustaz still get to know about my life somewhere, in my memories like exist Ustaz at Masjid Assyakirin talking about my blog, but I really don't know. I just want to get my tattoo removed one day so I can wear nicer t-shirts and shirts, this something like tail in tattoo is a self-damage everytime I wear short sleeve, I look weird with short tattoo and I'm still unhappy about it, if complete tattoo, I must have a kind of life plans of what to do in life, but now I only plan to buy things by "feelings", if something is nice I really want to feel it, then if that day happens I may be bored like I got RG477V then I have anhedonia I can't have fun at all.

My mind is occupied with the hours to go daily, stress of what to do, then I can't write of dreams because I can't remember, then I just feeling happy about future that I will work at Tampines. Stories of doctor matches that I would post alot of dancing baby girl videos due to happiness of getting the dishwasher job at Tampines, but then there's no strong feeling like I will make it, it's still a mystery "tomorrow", I really want a psychic knowledge and feel like what psychic told me about my future.

I really don't know how to match to become President of MUIS, isn't it like it should be given to an Ustaz instead? Or it became like Mendaki not an Ustaz?

I only plan to go learn about Islam every weekend 1 day that I don't know at where, it's really weird they feel I am President of Singapore 1 day but they don't support me with money, it's like understanding Mdm Halimah Yacob was feeling poor when she was a cleaner then became a President after studying Law, means doctors knew she would become President but doctors didn't support her with money too and she became to work as a cleaner? What's wrong with supporting someone to not having to work first at all? I'm definitely feeling sad I'm turning 38 and struggling in life, definitely not "calon suami" of any girls, I don't have the criteria to be an attraction to just get a girl and marry and finish my life pain of thinking about marriage.

What do I have in life really nothing, if girls get me they get to feel someone with schizophrenia, someone that have RG477V, someone that have no money but wanting love and affection, they would be thinking of giving money but then at start of relationship That I Want why would they give me money instead too? Means I've never been a girl that's given me a lot of money, I just want to enjoy the time with the girl that I have. Life really sucks just to be attached as status to feel like my dream of becoming a grandfather can come true, or just a couple that live together even in difficulty is just something I wish to do in life. But the experience of nobody cares at all except my brother and supervising person in I.M.H(for giving me money), then my Aunt and Uncle and Nenek but it's Hari Raya, then I really have nothing in the end from my parents? They don't mind spending their money going to Batam but they mind if giving me any money and just say no money, why is it like that? What is there at Batam? Spending $70+ per person for the journey then it's over? 3 days 2 nights, why is it like that they spend money like nothing as fact.

Spent

Haha, spent my money on chicken chop tomato rice and $2 Milo = $7.90 - I estimate the $10 and $5 from the one supervising me to be used on food, he's nice to me at work.

I started to remember I spent many times on something then repetitively for many years of my life, then I either give away or resell them away or even throw them away, it's harsh schizophrenia created me to feel ashame of my own interest that I "would be seen wearing like that", I've shown the pictures of clothes I bought, I really don't know why if don't take medications I would feel ashamed maybe because it's not branded wear then such thing would happen. I'm lucky I take medications now and it's smoother now, even my bicycle is still with me.

It's turning April then there's 4 more months until August money, but hopefully by May I get $1600 and maintain earning as max as possible for the rest of this year. If money being given to me by "doa usaha ikhtiar tawakkal", it means I will work 9 months instead of 1 year($19200) then I will still be satisfied about it, in Masjid I became ambitious of meeting a nice girl but me knowing myself, someone like me is nothing to others, I have tattoo, I am lazy to solat, I really can't think about girls I guess, I am meant to be alone in life I guess, Allah created me to be alone from schizophrenia, that I became suspicious of people then I won't be peace and calm unless alone, but even if alone I won't feel the peace due to voices and Alysha was around to wake me up from the window. I experience like a shock and surprise wake up from voices and sounds, sometimes I hear music in my head that totally calms me down like a sudden peace, I ever remember of feeling like getting powers if listen to Warna 94.2F.M while asleep(I will dream like I thought I will be trained outside of my body in a different realm), then when listening to Ustaz on Radio, I also imagine learning from other realm as I dream of learning while sleeping, but actually it's Ustaz's voices on radio.

I always thought there's an "out of body power" to go out to other realm, I ever felt it multiple times, like going into my bed passing through the solid part like my soul can pass through an object, I really didn't think of "it's death or temporary death" but I feel of it as a power that I have instead, but 1 day nurse or paramedic say "it could be death" that I go out of body so advise me to take medications and I got taken to Ward 35A. It should always be the same I feel special that they remember I had out of body experiences many times in my life.

Ustaz Harun didn't say anything about it like I never told him before I think, but I wish to know stories kind of man but I need to be the one starting conversation first, I hope I hear more stories from people like Ustaz, Wali Allah(my relative and neighbour) or Psychic, they always know something in my imagination. It's like going to Tanjung Pinang Ustaz said "Sumpah Bagus" if I go, means I really needed the confirmation it's really good because I have schizophrenia, then I really go and luckily it's all well. Too bad for me pretty girl saw me in a bad situation of schizophrenia, I truly feel shy that pretty girl around my surrounding at that time. I dont know if I turn red face or not but it's usually like that if I'm shy About Girls.

I really want to remember when is my marriage date from Doctor I think doctor ever said it before then I don't remember the date, it's sad I just want to be married and become a grandfather 1 day but nobody my relative talks about marriage and letting me be happy that I will be married 1 day, they just let me grow until I'm 38 years old soon, it's sad that I have no lover and become like a useless moving statue, feeling nothing of a relationship life "because it is Haram" in my imagination, then no girls fought for me to be just continuing anyway not caring what Islam says about relationship, I really have no one fighting for me anything it is sad.

3 more days last day jobclub!

I will bring my shirt to give them back to jobclub, it will be the end of my training I'm really happy about it. The boredom feels real, like what should I do in life, my family all are solat type of people except me, I think it's schizophrenia making me feel this way, I wonder how Hisyammuddin can feel strong to solat and just move on in his life, for me it's something difficult I maybe need to set the timing myself to remember waktu Solat, apps for Solat maybe.

Does solat really brings money into life? In my situation it doesn't I was really difficult at that time and didn't get any money that's a nice amount from my parents.

The happiness of April is so high that I hope I really do well in it, I don't have other things to do in life except work 1 day, then if I have anything I plan to buy, I don't know who I will go out with anyway, it will just be walking around at City Hall, Raffles Place, Marina Square area just to look for Sakinah and Marina just to enjoy, I don't know why I don't have life in life, I wish a psychic can tell me if I would really work properly like a reminder of my future but it didn't happen, they knew I would request them to ask my parents for money I assume, it's really heavy my life then it have to be this way.

I'm at such a big age thinking I'm so young, nobody in a panic I loss so many years of experience and life feelings, I'm just living my life it's weird they don't mind me losing my life experiences. I got news from O.T that I will receive February money at the end of March, so I'm okay about it, I'm sad I'm spending normally in life but it feels so fast, I'm just happy April is approaching then I plan to do work correctly, I hope its nice food at work too, it's 6 hours without break time of working, I wonder why it's like that, it's like imagining a 12 hour work that's 6 hours for first half before break, then actually this is "go home" after 6 hours. I'm still happy and fine about it. Maybe I should eat at home first I guess but I hope I don't get stomach ache at work, but the problem with me is always worried about going to toilet its been since primary school I always panic if need toilet, I don't know why I don't know how to go toilet but just berak, maybe it's schizophrenia, the mental sickness appeared everytime stomach ache?

There's a business of selling t-shirts known as schizophrenia NYC, then it makes me feel like selling printed t-shirts and long sleeves too, to write something on it about schizophrenia like "I Am Schizophrenic", even I think it's something nice to wear that people know then wonder if the judgement is really crazy, I don't know how I survive going to Tanjung pinang with ustaz at that time, I got so lucky I completed it, why they didn't mind I became a burden there but let me experience like something independent to feel? It's weird I just enjoyed my time at Masjid Tentera Di-Raja to make myself Holier then it didn't work out I am really schizophrenic, I became dumb in my brain, working bricks I throw on floor, almost hitting an old man, I really mentally unstable until like that? I really may cause an injury like other mental sickness people that I believe? "A mentally sick person may injure someone" then they don't mind me there is odd too, I should be difficult like a burden but they treat me like normal people, it's hard I feel hot and tense but nobody can do anything about it, my vein feels stretched and pulled but nobody can do anything about it. I remember accompanying a kid there to pee then he peed on my hands I wash it away, I'm so unlucky I pitied they have no toys but schizophrenia makes my feelings deeper pity like I think it's corruption instead, it's weird my life, we painted the walls and it's over after that. I really became dumb and crazy then none of them are close to me to manage my stress moments but luckily I finished it, I pity Ustaz Harun for the difficulty I have created then I really have nobody to rely on at that time, to tell I am unstable, I just go on, does Ustaz really handle schizophrenic people well as fact? I really feel childish at there I wonder why my parents risked my life, theres pretty girls there then I could shame myself but my parents let me go there, it's weird I didn't shame myself maybe but I maybe became shameless, how each of them know how to handle schizophrenia? It's weird, is it all instructed by Ustaz on how to react? I wonder.

I was sad that I have to go through it in front of pretty girls, then I survived anyway luckily. They all seem nice even if I'm schizophrenic and have tattoo, I wonder what was the instruction to them about it, it can't be that all of them know how to handle schizophrenic people, definitely Ustaz instructed them something? I thought like that.

Day 225 outside ward(273 on medications)

My Simba data usage: 1.72gb/400gb.

I forgot what I dreamt about but something about bread I think, it's weird to forget dreams, now in my vision is Sakinah(like always) and Ustaz Harunarrashid been 2-3 days, I wonder why Sakinah don't pity me, I feel weak from this. I remember about Ali able to carry heavy object during fasting month then when his wife died he can't even carry her, definitely my love for Sakinah is something like this but why she don't care about it?

I hope psychics help me in my life, I really don't understand why this is something good to be treated this way, it's like "if know how to raise a child" the child will become someone of high status, then my future is psychologist/psychiatrist, president of Singapore, president of MUIS, 10th Wali Songo, right hand man of Imam Mahdi - then why now I feel like my parents don't care about me? Should I believe doctor about my future like that? Doesnt it mean I become someone that Solat daily, I become someone that read Al-Quran daily? Why is my future like that then I'm feeling like this like a 21-22 years old guy. It's like I thought Dina is still 3 years old named as Adriana in my dream, then I ever thought Dina is Selena Gomez, why schizophrenic identify people wrongly until like this?

I wonder what my real future is like? Cant Sakinah just be around for me? Why isn't she around for me when I need her the most, I remembering feeling burnt like missing her, then by voices of Alysha I feel burnt, then Sakinah isn't around or psychics isn't around to stop her from talking(shouting outside window) to me. Does psychic actually know at all? Is my number registered 10+ years ago first before Simba company exist first known as TPG I think? I hope someone talk to me about my sickness nicely, in April I will work dishwasher then I am hoping for Ustaz Harunarrashid's help because I remember about the Military Jacket I plan to buy, I wrote "Drool" then he saw but it could be a dream too, maybe it's just a dream, but why Alysha drag until Ustaz to make me feel like getting money, isn't she taunting that I will feel bad in life about money?

Happy ending.

Monday is my last day, tomorrow is Friday, then it's Saturday and Sunday to rest, I really feel energized like I will work well on Wed-Fri, I really hope I work hard and smart, I'm imagining the repetitive work but I'm still happy about it because it's a job that earns money, 6 hours of work for 5 days to bring back $1600 is amazing, I really enjoy the pricing of my job.

I have to see life like I will have no one with me, my old seriousness in expressing myself when wanted to suicide(about flirting to get rejected but ended quite calmly) makes me wonder what they all think of me, but as a shy person I think I still have no information on it, I hope I don't hurt anyone's feelings because matter of love is not a joke or something to play about, the thing is I think it's like I broke the peace when flirt with someone, the world supposed to be calm and no stress of relationship stories but it exist from me 4 times to 4 person in I.M.H, maybe theyre trained to ignore me but I'm glad its okay, Monday will be my last day and my good bye to the place, then in 4 years I will appear again as a doctor of I.M.H, that's what doctor said(5 years) and I'm happy about it. Hahaha.

Why they don't give me confidence about my future like tell me if my future is really a doctor of I.M.H? I've been in I.M.H since primary school or babies then suddenly I'm going back there again as A Doctor? Why if I become a doctor someone that don't want me then I suddenly go back with them? But I remember something like Wahdiah didn't want break-up like me, like Shahridah didn't want break-up like me, but it happened the split-up is so long yet they don't effort to have ties with me like keep in touch, it's sad they don't try I feel bad(as in I didn't become healthier) about it, I wonder why I'm left alone by everyone for so long.

Today I blog again at night it's quite rare even during my off day but my energy have shifted to be available to blog even at night.

I hope doctors comfort me about people's decision to my life if I'm really becoming somebody, pain is really unnecessary, lightness is everything to keep my energy and happiness.

4 more days last day jobclub!

In bus I remember about the girls I flirt with last year, then I saw them again, it's bad if I loss memories of them then just now I was reminded again of my suicide stunt to be rejected by girls, I was feeling anhedonic then I felt no pleasure except looking at them then I started to try, hahaha, scary my character became like that but luckily doctor was around at that time, my suicide didn't really happen because I don't remember their answer, nothing angers me but I loss memory because of something, I really don't remember what, it's just too bad it's like that, no girls reminded me of it maybe they know I'm a shy person as fact, don't know why suicide tries made me like that, I couldn't find the energy to commit suicide unless feel ashamed then none of them made me feel ashamed, it's weird the outcome is something pleasant instead.

I feel like doctor was around just now maybe organized the girls again, but I don't know if around, it's harsh I feel this way but they are being nice by not causing me in shame of myself, it's cool I think, a shy guy not in shame is something strong for me.

My last day I hope someone remind me but I really don't know, the supervising person want me to visit him again when I see doctor but it's 12p.m by the time he already went home I think, hahaha. He said wanted to blanja me makan. So cool.

I remembered things of my young days carried by my Aunt up until this long/level, I remembered about my birthday I would usually loss memory because too happy then suddenly I feel different, then everyone stopped celebrating my birthday anymore I think, because every birthday I became too happy and loss memory, it's until now there's no celebration of my birthday.

I look around at stuff to buy as imagining I will have money when I work at this new place at Tampines, I plan to buy soldier-looking clothes because I really want to become a soldier, then I have said about denim/jeans jacket too, then I'm thinking now about buying jeans, I really want to travel to jobplace of Sakinah that I don't know where but I keep feeling like "it's somewhere at Raffles Place", then I think I'm wrong anyway so I wonder why would I need jeans for anyway, maybe to go out with a future lover I may get when at new job location, I really wonder things like that.

Life is difficult feeling lonely, words of Ustaz to not worry of jodoh is too harsh, my mother would only talk about my aunt's and uncle that's not married to call me the same situation "to meet in akhirat", akhirat is different, the girl we love may not be a virgin and understood sex on earth, means I really would lose her already, I really am not supported by my parents to get Sakinah at all, they maybe don't care about her too because she ever tunang anyway, means my effort was worthless and useless, but reality is like that, I may lose the girl's virginity to someone else, no wonder if marry a janda is pahala mujahid(highest form of jihad), it's weird if to commit suicide so marry a janda, I ever felt something like this if life is to lose Sakinah, it's better to just marry a janda and get pahala jihad, but who knows "if I can just commit suicide", it's hard life and Sakinah still have no feelings for me, her heart is like a rock that feel no love for me, then even if a Jew is said as hati batu, I wonder if Sakinah will really become a Witch if she sex with someone else, it would become believing something else in life other than Psychic and Wali Allah, to start believing "Witch exist" too, in Al-Quran said about killing wanita yang penyihir, so it means penyihir actually exist and we wonder why there's no talk about them in current life it's like black magic don't exist too, I wonder who are the victims of black magic to believe such magic exist.

I remember all my ns mates believed they black magic me, and some say its protection matter and the money they giving as pity money 1 day will happen but I'm not sure if it's real too, 1(epul) said to not consider it as a penalty money then I will receive his gift, it's weird conversation to believe in black magic, I really don't understand it but just feeling happy to hear I will receive money but unhappy it's "38 years old", when I ns was 20 and 21 years old maybe, it's so long then they talk about money. I don't understand how black magic exist protection but maybe a version of defence skill to believe such thing like m.m.o.r.p.g games.

I remember epul planned to buy me computer on my birthday 1 day, and giving me a sum of money saved by him + $1000 note. To believe that he is someone rich now is weird to me, in N.S all of us were difficult life except Zik gotten motorcycle then forgotten about me ever since that day I go to N.S by myself and go home by myself, he never send me and fetch me too, it's weird but our bestfriend-ness got loss during that time, things are complicated that after some time they told about black magic to me then I realized I have no friends, wonder who or which will revenge about black magic to me though, not really knowing true friendship.

I wonder why ujian from Allah is so heavy to me, like I understand by definition, I have no friends, I loss friends due to memory loss, I can hack so young that I am capable to earn $20K/mth but I'm not 38 years old yet, I scored 100% all subject but in the end I loss memory again and got a normal score people don't see me as someone intelligent or smart, I go through life seeing the people I flirt with when actually I'm a shy guy that don't even talk to others coping because it's part of life phase. Hisyammuddin didnt experience this part of pressure because he didn't flirt with the nurse and o.t there, he's so lucky in life in my opinion.

I wonder what will happen to me at Tampines 1 day, if I really work hard will I feel like Solat again like Hisyammuddin? I really hope I do but I wonder how can it happen too. It's really okay I hope I message Ustaz as soon as I feel confident I will work there for 1 month to ask about Tattoo Removal, I really want a nicer t-shirt and shirt to wear, my tattoo looks like have tail it's not nice because not half of my arm, it's just my luck I can't wear nice t-shirts and shirts.