Mixture of Happy and Unhappiness

It's weird I really think like I can work tomorrow, the past reminded me that I was ever there and I quit on the same day afterwards, it really sucks if I can't work, today I sniff q.s inhaler to quit cigarette from today onwards because tomorrow I'm working, everytime I write, I feel like I can reach my goal, the happiness increased and I became energized to work at Tampines. I'm truly happy of being hired at Tampines.

I hope I become more confident in life like more strength, I think I should stop exercising because I would be working 6 hours a day making me unable to exercise anymore as don't want to become too tired, now it's turning 12.55p.m if I work just now I wonder where I'm at right now, I'm really happy it's 31st March but my jobclub allowance haven't come into my bank yet, I wonder what's taking them so long? I'm praying that doctor's words are real and I can work, it's sad how Sakinah is nothing to me just now I almost became stronger to assume she as someone married and someone I will never get my entire life, means I can just keep working and earn money forgetting about Sakinah anymore, it's hard I really feel disappointed how she respond nothing to me, life is really like this it's funny how old am I then I don't know about actual relationship status of Sakinah then I'm just assuming she's not married just by my feelings. It feels ugly imagining her kissing other guys, I need to make her off my mind, daily it's like this I can't do anything about it. Does she feel power over me because doctors and my relatives kept visiting her last year I think? Why didnt she news to me? I'm the one that's their adopted child I should be feeling more powerful, Psychics and Wali Allah's Family is why, I hate this bossy imagination of Sakinah not telling me anything like an update.

I kept getting visions and I hear voices but I can manage it like ignoring them, but I wonder why schizophrenia memories appear as the voices itself instead, it's too strong memory but I can mistaken a false information as real just because memories are by voices and Alysha made deep manly voice too, means I really don't know about Ustaz Harunarrashid. It's like I remember he ever told about his Facebook post will be about an Ustaz's wedding, then an example of future that I/he know that I will see, psychic is something like that telling the future, but even if it's maybe the date, it's still like, how Ustaz know if I will look at his Facebook again?

I really just want to ask Ustaz about Sakinah, how to get her such thing, but I really can't I guess, it's nothing automatic because I should have told him since last year, then there's no news for 1 year, it means there's no connection chances between me and Sakinah. I am adek angkat of Ustaz Harunarrashid I think, if Sakinah feel more special than me I would find it odd, if she's approached by Puan Hamidah Bahashwan maybe to tell about me, because at Masjid Sultan at that time, she and Ustaz Harun are connected to the Mudik Ke Hulu program of tattoo removal.

I wonder when's the end of all this, the job is starting I feel the excitement but it caused me like cant sleep or I worry about cigarettes.