It's hard the dark vision is not darkness but I feel like it's darker that's all, I wonder what causes it, I really feel unhealthy from too much walking maybe? I sitting down now hopefully can last a long time. I have been browsing Facebook about quotes of motivations from just now and now it's 5.18p.m, been hours of walking around + only that, it's making me angry like I worry about my working day on Wednesday, luckily tomorrow is Tuesday another off day.
I'm happy like crazy just now about my last day at jobclub then getting a job in April, then the seed image, of like have something on top of me feeling heavy and have to maneuver out of it to see the sunlight, I have it as my wallpaper, I think my feelings really that way, when I maneuver out, only growing 2 leafs, then 1 day will keep growing more and more, until seeds, I wonder what the seed means, is it my energy to live life? When the seed drops again to grow more, what is it as fact? I'm in a tough spot right now and just want to become better at managing myself, the sunlight is the money(salary) - $1600 in month of May, I will keep growing like getting Motorcycle License, then I truly hope I receive money support from my parents by the time I work on Wednesday. I remember I wasted my father's money for motorcycle license because of memory loss, then car license because of memory loss too, schizophrenia failed my life at start of it, it's really scary how I wasted money so much, then in the end I have to fork out myself maybe, as imagine other people really forked out money themselves. It's harsh, I wonder what happens to me(the seed) on the 9th month? I will become a tree? A bush? I hope I become successful too.
The dark vision created like laziness to write, then it's 5p.m+ like I overshot from the plan to write again, it's weird I feel happy, my heart really feels good too, maybe the walking caused it to feel better.
I like remember Ustaz Harunarrashid like he will visit me when I'm at my workplace 1 day, I wonder when or why, I hope someone tells me its not Alysha's lies again, it's very kind of anger-making always reminded of "her info instead" when it's usually wrong, it's about Ustaz giving me money to buy the jacket I "drool to have", the jacket have 4 pockets in front, it looks like military so my interest is soldier job, then I want to feel like a soldier. I really plan to buy like soldier pants too at Shein. Then I plan to buy a jacket to wear to work inside bus because it will definitely be cold, it's really hard I maybe just have to work first, I hope I can last forever at the workplace. I wonder how strong I can become from working here, the energy definitely is the $1600/mth salary, then it's only 6 hours, I really must do this job it's too good to be true the working hours and salary, I really love it a lot.
I remember like in June I will get money from my relatives, it seems like that, I remember voice of "Mummy"(my aunt), then mixed with Alysha's name, then I think Alysha maybe lied about it too, so I don't know when I will receive money. I really hope for a support to buy stuff, even if I'm earning or will be earning money already, it feels nice to feel like Hisyammudin when he work a cheap salary job then he gets $10K from his mother, it definitely energized to keep working on and become a better man, I hope they help me become a better man instead of me relying on myself on this growth, like the seed brought into a new area to grow, something like that, or even a water that is having fertilizers, like if water is food and drink, fertilizers are like extra special food maybe like Honey Chicken Wings, comfort of own room to increase, I feel like buying my own bed at TikTok though, it looks cheap, then maybe fertilizers can be wardrobe too, I have nothing in my room cicak can easily walk and sleep in my clothes, I'm so unlucky about this. Then maybe change the soil, lift the stone(giving money), change into smaller stone that allows a sudden straight growth even? I wonder how, a size to move stone is like impossible, if I'm the plant they are also plant size, impossible to move the stone. It's like needing a miracle - Wali Allah or Psychic Power or Even Kuda Kepang Power where can fly(the seed move to a nicer spot).
I really wonder what can help me except what I have written, I really hope I grow into becoming someone stronger and more capable like Hisyammuddin, I'm definitely a deadmeat feeling but I really must try for this way of life. He earned successfully continuously while I was struggling at that time skipping and missing medicines, he's so lucky he passed the phase until he know how strong he is to manage his life on his own, wow it's so great I really must become like that too. My cousin was thought of as someone childish then he became greatly successful, I definitely think it's special the success is a height I want to reach too.
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