I'm energized to do it, to feel a new life, even if I don't have Sakinah, I'm hoping she noticed me somehow but I guess her life choice and decision is really like this, it's been too many years and it's time for me to move on and get a life with someone else. I wonder who it's going to be but I don't want to be slow on getting a wife, it is harsh how they let me live my life growing to become old then not matching me up with Sakinah, all because Islam teaches it's Haram for relationships, then Sakinah didn't effort for me too, I really feel helpless and hopeless, I have nothing that I can get Sakinah, except to try if doctors just stop approaching her anymore to feel what her life is like without me, I really plan all well and nice for her to be managed without mental stress but then she is like this to me, I wonder if I should ask Ustaz Harunarrashid about her, I really want Ustaz to help me but I don't know when or how if it's not a problem, then it's like another barrier because in Islam, relationship is Haram, I really need like a messenger of my love to her, I really have nobody that will trigger her to effort for me, as in disallowed by her to speak to her myself, I really can't do anything about it.
Wednesday is the big day of working as dishwasher and it's going to be my happiest day of my life I think, it's finally the start of a new life journey, to start thinking of other girls in May as Wahdiah and Shahridah are avoiding me, I'm so unlucky barrier is created instead of a connection, all because relationship is Haram in Islam, I don't know how love happens in Islam, it's weird like we can really marry anyone we want if it's like that. It's really like a bullshit thing, I hope I meet someone for my love journey to exist or happen again, it's too much pain and loneliness then I need to be happy in life, I really goal to become a grandparent but then I also want to be a happy uncle that will spend time with nephews and niece(but she's already 20 yrs old), I wasted 17 years of Dina's life without feeling her hugs all that when she was a child, she stopped hugging me then lost in touch with her, I wonder why too, but without me she would always be in pain by Alysha anyway, I think I'm a good uncle to her.
The weight of life is quite heavy, the start of a new phase to experience like Hisyammuddin started his job last time, I'm really hoping I can do well too like him, just taking medicine daily will definitely help me, I hope I'm supported psychologically like Hisyammudin saying he feel spied but like to be employed by Law then I find it as something interesting his experience, it's weird I can't contact him maybe because I'm still childish and will ask how's it's like will he even tell me? I hope it's something about hacker job though, being the top hacker and not getting this $20k/mth job is a waste. I only heed doctor for this job, and I hope I can hack freely sooner than 40 years old, I'm too old already and the boredom is starting maybe unless I can hack again my happiness will rise again in life, to live independently without Sakinah and earning bigger than her in life. Maybe I will catch-up her salary of all the years she's worked then it became enough to deny her my entire life, so I can be happy spending for my family to places like U.S.A, Australia, France, Germany etc. I really want to see places but my family didn't go to such places for holidays, it's so boring.
My father turned 73 and my mother 70, then they're old but doctor ever said they will die at 100+ years old, where at 90+ years old I will keep buying 100+ for them to drink to remember their age will become 100+ years old. They made me wonder why they don't mind dying and me hating that they don't give me money, it's like waiting for them to die for money which is bad heart for me to experience, I just hope they give me money before any death happens, because it's like becoming evil as the days pass "to wait for their death for money", but I would start work soon $1600/mth and I don't even know if I can keep up and save for next year and next 2 years O and A level. I'm so old yet Sakinah have ignored me more than 10 years long, I'm really nothing to her I guess, I really have no where to see girls except wonder if jobplace will have any but then "go to work for girls" I become like that? But it's okay like my 1st Sister and her Husband met at workplace anyway and they got married now have 4 children, means it's okay to hope for a girl at workplace.
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