I started to remember I spent many times on something then repetitively for many years of my life, then I either give away or resell them away or even throw them away, it's harsh schizophrenia created me to feel ashame of my own interest that I "would be seen wearing like that", I've shown the pictures of clothes I bought, I really don't know why if don't take medications I would feel ashamed maybe because it's not branded wear then such thing would happen. I'm lucky I take medications now and it's smoother now, even my bicycle is still with me.
It's turning April then there's 4 more months until August money, but hopefully by May I get $1600 and maintain earning as max as possible for the rest of this year. If money being given to me by "doa usaha ikhtiar tawakkal", it means I will work 9 months instead of 1 year($19200) then I will still be satisfied about it, in Masjid I became ambitious of meeting a nice girl but me knowing myself, someone like me is nothing to others, I have tattoo, I am lazy to solat, I really can't think about girls I guess, I am meant to be alone in life I guess, Allah created me to be alone from schizophrenia, that I became suspicious of people then I won't be peace and calm unless alone, but even if alone I won't feel the peace due to voices and Alysha was around to wake me up from the window. I experience like a shock and surprise wake up from voices and sounds, sometimes I hear music in my head that totally calms me down like a sudden peace, I ever remember of feeling like getting powers if listen to Warna 94.2F.M while asleep(I will dream like I thought I will be trained outside of my body in a different realm), then when listening to Ustaz on Radio, I also imagine learning from other realm as I dream of learning while sleeping, but actually it's Ustaz's voices on radio.
I always thought there's an "out of body power" to go out to other realm, I ever felt it multiple times, like going into my bed passing through the solid part like my soul can pass through an object, I really didn't think of "it's death or temporary death" but I feel of it as a power that I have instead, but 1 day nurse or paramedic say "it could be death" that I go out of body so advise me to take medications and I got taken to Ward 35A. It should always be the same I feel special that they remember I had out of body experiences many times in my life.
Ustaz Harun didn't say anything about it like I never told him before I think, but I wish to know stories kind of man but I need to be the one starting conversation first, I hope I hear more stories from people like Ustaz, Wali Allah(my relative and neighbour) or Psychic, they always know something in my imagination. It's like going to Tanjung Pinang Ustaz said "Sumpah Bagus" if I go, means I really needed the confirmation it's really good because I have schizophrenia, then I really go and luckily it's all well. Too bad for me pretty girl saw me in a bad situation of schizophrenia, I truly feel shy that pretty girl around my surrounding at that time. I dont know if I turn red face or not but it's usually like that if I'm shy About Girls.
I really want to remember when is my marriage date from Doctor I think doctor ever said it before then I don't remember the date, it's sad I just want to be married and become a grandfather 1 day but nobody my relative talks about marriage and letting me be happy that I will be married 1 day, they just let me grow until I'm 38 years old soon, it's sad that I have no lover and become like a useless moving statue, feeling nothing of a relationship life "because it is Haram" in my imagination, then no girls fought for me to be just continuing anyway not caring what Islam says about relationship, I really have no one fighting for me anything it is sad.
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