I starting to feel myself like inside ward like nothing to do for hours and just walking around, lying on bed, looking at people, hearing voices most of the time and I can't do anything about it, I don't know what is the help needed but psychic wasnt around to tell if it's voices or real voices of human, something I can't differentiate due to the loudness of it, I remember like I ever shouted all alone when I hear noisy voices thinking nobody will hear what I say so must shout because the voices too loud, I think it's symptom of schizophrenia like "raising voices", it's weird the pain is real heat and hotness then Sakinah really let me live like this kind of treatment, her only decision have to become "meet" me then she doesnt do it for over 21 years long. Did she become dumb, I wonder like such. There's no psychologists or psychiatrists that will pair us up or even ustaz because "relationship is Haram" in Islam, so it means I became having additional problems of getting Sakinah because their conversation would be about marriage straight away then definitely Sakinah that don't know me and someone that wear sports during school sports definitely would reject me, like mat kental people would say, about "relationship as Haram", its too strict, how love exist if like that?
I've come to realize Sakinah's decision is that I live a life not knowing her at all but doctors etc. maybe won't leave her alone anymore, they let her feel comforted of having my answers when she needs it, instead of doing things my way like just punishing her to not receive any good ideas or plans of mine, I'm really not getting my way of getting her, but being 38 years old soon, it really means if I have babies, babies will be sick, it's really stupid that my life even if that as the reason, they don't match me up with Sakinah with reason that relationship is Haram as the only thing they've decided to be like that. How am I going to get a girl then? Any pretty girls probably can make me fall in love first or even my last due to I loss memory of Wahdiah and Shahridah, I'm still not sure why their decision and choice is: I experience pain and suffering in life, it's like a torture but I have to go through it.
They all know what comfort means, it means appearing into my life, but none of them do it, I really lose my chances of experiencing something nice before I age too much but they let me grow old without any happiness or experiences. I definitely feel like committing suicide due to strict ruling of pain, it's like a pull of nerve it's so painful. I wonder why I will become Wali Allah that have to Solat, why can't I become a Wali Allah without having to Solat? I really can't imagine myself Solat at all, maybe zikir is the alternative of Solat then it is fine, I really want such powers to know what to do in life, I want the peace of being a Muslim but I have schizophrenia. I'm definitely not peaceful and losing many chances of having a girl starting from "mental problem" that people naturally avoid in life, it's sad I'm so unlucky to this level but people not caring enough to let me get what I want in life. They're too much with their "plans".
I don't know what will happen 1 day when I msg Ustaz again, it's going to be about tattoo removal program, that he already changed masjid then I don't know if it's still around, it's really sad have to be this way but I am going to be the first person to msg first I guess, there's no clue that Ustaz still get to know about my life somewhere, in my memories like exist Ustaz at Masjid Assyakirin talking about my blog, but I really don't know. I just want to get my tattoo removed one day so I can wear nicer t-shirts and shirts, this something like tail in tattoo is a self-damage everytime I wear short sleeve, I look weird with short tattoo and I'm still unhappy about it, if complete tattoo, I must have a kind of life plans of what to do in life, but now I only plan to buy things by "feelings", if something is nice I really want to feel it, then if that day happens I may be bored like I got RG477V then I have anhedonia I can't have fun at all.
My mind is occupied with the hours to go daily, stress of what to do, then I can't write of dreams because I can't remember, then I just feeling happy about future that I will work at Tampines. Stories of doctor matches that I would post alot of dancing baby girl videos due to happiness of getting the dishwasher job at Tampines, but then there's no strong feeling like I will make it, it's still a mystery "tomorrow", I really want a psychic knowledge and feel like what psychic told me about my future.
I really don't know how to match to become President of MUIS, isn't it like it should be given to an Ustaz instead? Or it became like Mendaki not an Ustaz?
I only plan to go learn about Islam every weekend 1 day that I don't know at where, it's really weird they feel I am President of Singapore 1 day but they don't support me with money, it's like understanding Mdm Halimah Yacob was feeling poor when she was a cleaner then became a President after studying Law, means doctors knew she would become President but doctors didn't support her with money too and she became to work as a cleaner? What's wrong with supporting someone to not having to work first at all? I'm definitely feeling sad I'm turning 38 and struggling in life, definitely not "calon suami" of any girls, I don't have the criteria to be an attraction to just get a girl and marry and finish my life pain of thinking about marriage.
What do I have in life really nothing, if girls get me they get to feel someone with schizophrenia, someone that have RG477V, someone that have no money but wanting love and affection, they would be thinking of giving money but then at start of relationship That I Want why would they give me money instead too? Means I've never been a girl that's given me a lot of money, I just want to enjoy the time with the girl that I have. Life really sucks just to be attached as status to feel like my dream of becoming a grandfather can come true, or just a couple that live together even in difficulty is just something I wish to do in life. But the experience of nobody cares at all except my brother and supervising person in I.M.H(for giving me money), then my Aunt and Uncle and Nenek but it's Hari Raya, then I really have nothing in the end from my parents? They don't mind spending their money going to Batam but they mind if giving me any money and just say no money, why is it like that? What is there at Batam? Spending $70+ per person for the journey then it's over? 3 days 2 nights, why is it like that they spend money like nothing as fact.
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