My last time

Got my last stick I think it's my last cigarette. I really can't do anything about it, I'm probably suffering because of cigarette anyway, in the past I scored 100% all subject I was not a smoker, but it's still 100% of what I have studied - my scores in exam. It's just harsh, from 29th June to 15 August I was in ward then I didn't learn anything from August onwards, I really just heck care about my education and I get 0 marks from June I guess that's why I only scored 4 in my N level, only my English is 2 but my Malay is 4 also, it's just pass I think? Then it feels like "no wonder they didn't reward me anything", when actually if they didn't ward me maybe I would still be scoring high? I didn't take medicine is why, I think I learnt something scored 100% again then loss memory then I can't do it anymore then they ward me, it's really bad it's always the same date, I wonder what on earth happened every time that date, I like still believe of Suntricity existence even if I take medicine.

During my Hari Raya, my left eye have something pop out due to burnt from fire of cigarette, then this year it happened again, my Aunt asked why my face different, I guess it's the same thing that happened to me and it happened again, like believing of Suntricity, it's occurrence of heat at the same location causing the same body movement so my left eye became burnt again, because of the same body movement, why is it like that? It's exactly on Hari Raya also.

I've really smoked lesser I think the end is real this time because my job will be 6 hours, then there's no break time, I hope I can pass this moment of my life, life is like an exam to treat it like an education to not smoke is hard but I must do it. It's going to be the 4th month soon, then 4 more months my elevator will be done, there won't be any noises at my house anymore, then December it's going to be R.T.S Link, then 2 months from April, will my friends be appearing back in my life again? They ever promised me money at my 38 years old, I call it pity money but they call it black magic penalty money, hahahaha, weirds, they really believe they black magic me, but I can't do anything about that, I just want to accept the money and live my life in June onwards.

When I close my eyes just now i saw a black man in suit and dancing like circling his right arm frontwards and backwards continuously, I wonder why in this sunlight at my window, I see such things, why I vision something in my eyes? It's like seeing my nephew in the past before he exist I saw him first then he changed into face of my father, it's like that, then now when he grow up his face really changing like my father's face. It's weird my life, am I abit of psychic maybe? I really wish to know things like psychic so I can get my soulmate at the age I want. It's hard like even if Puan Hamidah Bahashwan said "kalau dia nak sangat kita bagi dia tengok dia boleh ke tak", something like that, but then they tak bagi Sakinah at all, I really feel no hope of getting Sakinah immediately, she let me suffer walking around in Singapore searching for her forgetting I have ever talked/spoken to her in M.R.T at Fence of Innova Junior College, I got angry again when I remember she wear sports uniform like nothing and people seen her skin more than me, means they are more special than me. She really consider it as nothing I guess, it's harsh my life falling in love with someone that dont take care of herself properly.

It's been too many times I hint for her but it didn't work out I think I should give up too and just write around about my life. I really think I'm too old age that people treat me like adult instead of caring for my life, they really not being nice to me at all making me feel having something but actually I'm in poor life no matter what amount given to me like G.S.T/Assurance Package given in August $850 and December $600 and I've finished it, then now having $310 left in bank, for spending on cigarettes I guess my money flow out quite fast. Waiting for my $144×2 months of jobclub, then +$18 for this month because it's 9 days instead of 8 days.

I feel like writing a lot because I feel it's like writing less then it's more readers now instead of writing more then more readers, the point is I aim to get adsense into my blog so I earn money, that's why I want to have readers.

I really hope I get a lover by the time I work as dishwasher at Tampines, life is too lonely, 6 hours of work still have sleep hours and waking hours to spend time with lover, every weekend especially. Sakinah is not abiding my wish then I really don't know what to do like imagine her kepala batu she tunang with monkeyface. It's stupid letting her be touched again like that I should've became sick of her then I should don't know that she's not married but I should be living life normally but then she still got contacted by my doctors and relatives making me can't get her because "relationship is Haram" to them in Islam so they are around as a barrier to my love story too, because they won't ask for the relationship. I think I should masturbate to her mother and give up, then I have nothing to wait on anymore.