To 1 Year: 138 days left outside ward & 90 days left on medications.
I really typed a lot yesterday, a lot of post due to uneasiness. I remembered again some parts of my life last year, I bought a jacket last year then 3 pants then I think I gave them away to someone else, it's really bad the feelings I have was unstable then this year now I'm buying it again. I would feel ashame of the brandless items then not wanting to wear it because since young I would wear branded stuff, it's really bad the schizophrenia.
I really don't feel like I will become President of MUIS like doctor said because he said I will work at Popeyes before then I did not, means he said "if" instead then a story, but it really make sense about Psychology/Psychiatrist, but I really don't know why he said "if" in front, maybe it's all too much for me and I should just pass my O level then take Diploma in Computer matters. I don't know why doctor said it like that, then it also means maybe I just don't remove my tattoo but instead add tattoo too to make me feel stable of buying t-shirts and shirts thats short sleeved. I really don't know and need someone to guide my life, because information of doctors could be just a dream or he saying "if" in front.
I really have grip on my heart to leave Wahdiah and Shahridah alone, then regarding it as a break-up from schizophrenia, they didn't hang on to counter my words sadly the break-up is the reality I didn't know it happened but it just felt that way they suddenly felt so much apart in my life and they're gone. They probably consider my mental sickness is something they shouldnt be with anyone at all too, then I just have to move on instead of waiting for them, it's like story of doctor that I will become President of MUIS he maybe said "if in future u become President of MUIS" instead of "in future u become President of MUIS" means he whispered the first word softly that it becomes another version of reality story that felt so real because he is psychic, I'm so shocked I became nothing in life and I'm so angry I scored 100% all subjects in N level but I grow up to become nothing kind of man now at 38 years old. It really sucks schizophrenia eaten my life into nothingness.
Wonder why doctor made me feel dreamy about my future like "is it real?", I think it's just too much and I have became nothing kind of man, to even love Wahdiah and Shahridah is just something that isn't happening, they really gone from my life due to schizophrenia from Alysha. I remembered Shahridah knocked her head on wall because of Alysha, I really feel angry my care is useless too, Alysha successfully created a suicidal level of pain into my life and got away with it without entering prison, maybe she is crazy if not schizophrenia.
I then think again, it's like it's real that I will become what I plan to become, because I flirted with girls telling my future then it matches my interest, it makes sense, maybe I will still be with Wahdiah and Shahridah because Alysha is too much creating pain into 2 person's life at once. I remember if stories of Sakinah sex with Iman, its maybe by Alysha too because the voices exist to cause pain into my life to imagine that, if I didn't hear it it's nothing, I didn't become an insane person like closing my ears is the good thing, I really feel like I should become a psychologist already due to the pain level created to me but I didn't commit suicide, it's just harsh thinking everyday when shes going to payback ever since my recovery phase, it's really stupid.
3 more days I will work at Tampines then I plan to be working here permanently. I really want to stay and become someone capable to stand up on my own, story of doctor is really important to tell me if I would really stay and grow stronger at this location, I really want to do well and praying I have the strength for it.
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