Thinking what I'm becoming

It's a lot of weight like a hike at mountain daily, I move upwards in life like a tired energy of doing it over and over again, I don't know why taking medicine feels like this, no wonder people miss medicine a lot of times, but Hisyammuddin got it perfect on his first try, he's so lucky in life getting this phase of life over permanently and became a successful man, I'm happy of his achievement and goaling to become at least like him to be in a fixed job.

I like remember doctor saying I will be 10th or 11th President of MUIS, the 8th President was since 2003-2021 then currently it is the 9th President, so I suspect maybe if I learn Islamic Studies again, doctor could be right that I'm 10th President of MUIS 1 day, but they don't have a listing of things I would do in life for me to see that I am getting better daily, instead I reflect myself to be like Mdm Halimah Yacob who was a cleaner, then I think doctor could be right, I'm definitely angry I'm nothing when I can achieve so high in life, I don't want to become a nothing kind of man, then there's no guide about words of doctors about my future. 2003-2021 is 18 years, so I wonder the current President maybe already 5/6 years done then I estimate I will be 48 in 10 years so maybe around that same age also I will become President of MUIS? Definitely I can't be too old too, I really hope the pain goes away of thinking like I'm nothing and people don't let me rest but make me work as dishwasher then these high status stories appear in my mind, why am I going through like Mdm Halimah Yacob? How did she cope the pain? It is suicidal to be nothing when stories we are something, then we achieve it instead of people just giving the pleasures of life, we really have to achieve it ourself? Means I really earn money for O level and A level? 2026 is the year to earn to provide me for 2 years in education? Why are people being so mean to make me be like that? Can't I feel lighter in the year of 2027 and 2028?

I really don't know what to do in life, I feel like nothing in life, I feel like I can achieve myself in this dishwasher job then feel like spending away my money on clothes like denim jacket, and cargo pants, I really want to feel having enough in life, even jeans to go out on weekend that I don't know where I can go except to search for Sakinah which she don't like me to do that because I would waste my money, then I should have enough for now? My $7 each long pants, then just any nice t-shirt or long sleeve to go out? Why is it like that? People are not putting weight on me? I can't have a nicer life with support of anyone else? I really need to wait and carry this kind of weight in life? It's so heavy but people ignore it, it's like hiking a mountain then sometimes carry a bag, sometimes cutting down the trees, there's no river to take boats or vehicle to bring me up, I wonder what I should do in life, what can make my life easier like that? What should I throw off the bag to make it lighter? What is the bag in this case if medicine is the hike? If bag is cigarette I am quite shocked too, is it really like that? I really hope I make it with support but I'm just living my life without anyone being happy for me, they just wait and wait for me to become something successful and that's it, I'm not updated of their plans to reward me something in life because I deserve it especially my N level days, there's still no reward until today.