I would save money living with my parents if I became rich myself as to save the rental money for myself instead, I plan to not visit my family anymore if I became richer by myself, then let them experience a sadness of losing a child before I die, it's just unfair how they actually have money to go Batam or pay for me to go Batam but I can't decide to keep ticket money for my spendings instead, its weird I can't become a saver of money to make myself richer and try going out with girls, girls seeing that I have no money definitely won't want a difficult life with me, at least they want someone working but my schizophrenia is not understood that they maybe reason "no work" when actually because I have a mental sickness as the real reason, even if I can manage with medicine, they really don't care about me living a hard life while their life easier with money, they didn't even give me some support as a symbol of love, I receive no more love from Wahdiah and Shahridah, except the unknown or hidden loyalty if it truly exist, I would still be happy. It's the weirdest relationship that I loss memory and they somehow know or verify it by my actions that maybe I only created them to wait for me to be 38 years old, because it is impossible to remember everything, I wonder what confirmed them that I loss memory, except maybe doctors visited them to tell me about my condition as something real and not made-up by me to get pity or sympathy.
The excitement of April is real that I hope I maintain energized from the salary amount to keep working all the time instead of being someone lazy or useless, because I'm not lazy, it's just the schizophrenia and saying "lazy" is the easiest answer to tell "not going to work", the pain is not understood by my family or relatives but they see it as something that I can live with, like "too bad don't receive money even if schizophrenia" that I have to swallow living with this decision from my family and relatives. It is really scary my life being a smoker then I just need $1000+/mth to keep up my habit, even if saying $300 or $150 monthly, they won't support my smoking habit at all, it's really harsh my life having needs that people can't supply me.
My mental is unstable thinking of buying hoodie denim jacket and buying cigarette box, the price is about the same, then remembering "wealthy people buy asset", then jacket is something to keep if have it but then I remember I haven't worn my Adidas Hoodie or Hooded Long Sleeve as a lifestyle, then now is Hari Raya for 1 month the freedom to use bicycle is not around yet, because will keep having to put it behind kitchen inside house and it's troublesome to use bicycle.
I wish my family gives me a lesser panic in heart but I don't know their decision is like this is the best despite knowing I will need money they hold on to not give to me anything, just surviving every Batam trip, I have money like that first for now it is really hard they actually spend more if go Batam and don't have a business to earn more but they don't mind spending away so much money.
I sometimes wish psychologists will be around to tell my needs for me due to they are psychics but it's unstable to be so strict to me too, it's really difficult life to live like this.
I hate how Alysha created me dreamy of getting money that I became loss of information of when I will receive money then none of my family or relative sue her, it is weird like this I'm left alone most of the time in my difficulty of living life with schizophrenia.
I feel like schizophrenic person just need to maintain hygiene and fixation of shower time to be looking stable minded, but the loss of accuracy will cause breakage of important items and they will drop or spoil by mishandling due to bad judgement and still causes the kind of anger for schizophrenia to occur, I don't know why I'm weak like this but no alternative treatment like "spending a lot for nice feelings" as another way of keeping me stable. It's bad this is the best they can think of for me and I have to live through it like a survivor.
I don't know why I have many bapak angkat or mak angkat then even abang angkat then none of them provide me money, like their treatment is the same as my parents' decision instead of special feelings to occur that I will have more money from any of them. My memory loss makes me get such status with people maybe they pitied me that I feel I have no family members, it's hard life with schizophrenia and having to go through the pain of someone's attack story like having another version of life story to feel, then I truly feel the pain even if it's wrong or a lie of someone. Why didn't they support me like making me have someone to accompany me? My stories will be the same like in blog and it would be telling wrong information of my life due to version of life story created by Alysha?
It's stupid I really can't get my life to be stronger.
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