I didn't sleep from 12am to 4am yesterday, but at night I slept, then it's kind of fair amount of sleep because I slept and woke up around 12a.m.
I dream alot yesterday but I don't remember my dreams, it's bad if don't remember dreams can't tell then no stories to write too, it's okay I guess I have to cope life not knowing my dream meanings.
Today I'm very happy because tomorrow is my working day, it's only 6 hours I hope I last that long at work, and it continues to become a better day in May, having money will be something fun in life, I really can still try to search for Sakinah even if she said it's a waste of money, I really feel it's a waste of time doing nothing as I'm turning 38 years old, I should effort or then I will think of everything as a dream instead, I think I won't become Psychologist/Psychiatrist because I have tattoo and Sakinah already knew my love for her I think it's enough, I feel like just working dishwasher all the way for many years to come, I saw an old man working as dishwasher at the company maybe I should become his age and continue working there.
It's hard my life thinking about money, remembering I need to supply myself cigarettes, that I thought I can quit soon, then the urge to keep buying still around I can't do anything about it. I'm helpless but the job have no break time it's an opportunity to quit cigarette I think, I really want to work well at this place and earn money but I don't know why doctors don't appear for me to ask if I will work here properly. I remember one of doctor's words is "if u take medicine u can work", it means I will be earning $1600 in April it seems like that, doctor said this last year I think, I really hope I do well.
I'm really stress I think the dark vision is the amount of cortisol built up in my body due to pain of my legs when I walk too much, I also feel like buying dopamine pills to keep my pleasure being around instead of having this anhedonic feelings, I remembered about Wahdiah yesterday night it feels like I asked for the break-up but I don't know if she will marry me this year or next year at all, I know she made me loss my memory from the happiness of asking for marriage then I loss my memory for my exam and school as well, it's really sad and crazy, it's so scary the feeling of not doing well in exam because of memory loss.
Yesterday I also remembered about Shahridah hitting her head to the wall, because of Alysha's lies as her nickname and sex with my brother kind of voices sounds, it's so bad the pain in my heart is like a stab in the heart, Alysha is judged as evil by me and if government give her a high status job because of University I feel there's corruption, because psychics didn't stop the employer and psychics knew about her but let her work at some place so good. The corruption is by Alysha and the psychic is due to the feeling of wanting Alysha to be stopped. Psychic maybe judge that she will work properly and not being a criminal at workplace then decided to let her to earn money to pay me back.
It's over 20 and 15 years then no one feels guilty letting her off is kind of bad, I loss 2 girls and 2 pleasures off my life because of her, I really feel helpless until now this age the 2 girls are not at effort to keep me up I feel like ruining any future chances like masturbating to the sister/cousin of the girls, the pictures. It's really the only way to ruin my future with them because I don't feel like they're around for me and I don't feel like they like me anymore because I have schizophrenia. Only Sakinah knows my feelings maybe, but she's out of topic, she really don't want me in the first place proven by tunang with monkeyface and I can't do anything about it. The barrier of my love stories are my doctors, relatives and maybe Ustaz due to it being Haram so they never promoted words that can create us together, they really letting the gap exist so we don't go into a relationship anyway, means I can't do anything about it unless 1 of the girls fight back and find me but it's like a 0% chance thing.
Yesterday I became really angry at Wahdiah for making me memory loss during my N level exam, I think I scored low because of her then she don't want a low scorer or low certification as husband, I feel that she should forget it and it's a fat hope that I will become a doctor, someone like me is back to the normal way of living like she created me to become when I demoralize from studying well in N level because of her. She said it's to help me from the pain of remembering Alysha's words that im "N level only so nak break up" pretending as Wahdiah as she knows/suspects I'm on the phone. I really loss Wahdiah's pleasure for so many years yet she don't do anything to help me.
I think life is like a juggle of who enters heaven by amalan or doing something good to Allah, I tried Ya Hayyu 100K times to recover and I didn't recover, then I don't think Wahdiah and Shahridah have the time to do that at all, if things like masturbation happens to their relatives or family, how can 3 of us enter heaven together with such data? I think they somehow created hell to me too by not appearing in my life and living their life becoming stronger without me or supporting me, it's good I left them not taking their money but they don't have the initiative to support me at all, it's too stupid they rather let me suffer even knowing the pain I'm experiencing writing in my blog my stories last time yet they don't care and didn't appear into my life to make things better. I have given up but who cares, Sakinah is in a normal feelings towards me and a barrier of love chances exist because of Haram to be in relationship, means I have no way to be cured.
All I can do is to work hard in April, then hoping I don't give up and earn money until December or 2027 continue working there, it's really difficult but they should let me have break times at there I guess to be more stable, they really can't do that I think, then I have to believe doctor I can work if I take medicine, I'm happy about it like over the top kind of happiness, remembering my quote about seed of plant growing having to maneuver from the stone on top to see the sunlight, I really think it's not impossible to be happy in May, I hope my thinking is right.
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