4 more days last day jobclub!

In bus I remember about the girls I flirt with last year, then I saw them again, it's bad if I loss memories of them then just now I was reminded again of my suicide stunt to be rejected by girls, I was feeling anhedonic then I felt no pleasure except looking at them then I started to try, hahaha, scary my character became like that but luckily doctor was around at that time, my suicide didn't really happen because I don't remember their answer, nothing angers me but I loss memory because of something, I really don't remember what, it's just too bad it's like that, no girls reminded me of it maybe they know I'm a shy person as fact, don't know why suicide tries made me like that, I couldn't find the energy to commit suicide unless feel ashamed then none of them made me feel ashamed, it's weird the outcome is something pleasant instead.

I feel like doctor was around just now maybe organized the girls again, but I don't know if around, it's harsh I feel this way but they are being nice by not causing me in shame of myself, it's cool I think, a shy guy not in shame is something strong for me.

My last day I hope someone remind me but I really don't know, the supervising person want me to visit him again when I see doctor but it's 12p.m by the time he already went home I think, hahaha. He said wanted to blanja me makan. So cool.

I remembered things of my young days carried by my Aunt up until this long/level, I remembered about my birthday I would usually loss memory because too happy then suddenly I feel different, then everyone stopped celebrating my birthday anymore I think, because every birthday I became too happy and loss memory, it's until now there's no celebration of my birthday.

I look around at stuff to buy as imagining I will have money when I work at this new place at Tampines, I plan to buy soldier-looking clothes because I really want to become a soldier, then I have said about denim/jeans jacket too, then I'm thinking now about buying jeans, I really want to travel to jobplace of Sakinah that I don't know where but I keep feeling like "it's somewhere at Raffles Place", then I think I'm wrong anyway so I wonder why would I need jeans for anyway, maybe to go out with a future lover I may get when at new job location, I really wonder things like that.

Life is difficult feeling lonely, words of Ustaz to not worry of jodoh is too harsh, my mother would only talk about my aunt's and uncle that's not married to call me the same situation "to meet in akhirat", akhirat is different, the girl we love may not be a virgin and understood sex on earth, means I really would lose her already, I really am not supported by my parents to get Sakinah at all, they maybe don't care about her too because she ever tunang anyway, means my effort was worthless and useless, but reality is like that, I may lose the girl's virginity to someone else, no wonder if marry a janda is pahala mujahid(highest form of jihad), it's weird if to commit suicide so marry a janda, I ever felt something like this if life is to lose Sakinah, it's better to just marry a janda and get pahala jihad, but who knows "if I can just commit suicide", it's hard life and Sakinah still have no feelings for me, her heart is like a rock that feel no love for me, then even if a Jew is said as hati batu, I wonder if Sakinah will really become a Witch if she sex with someone else, it would become believing something else in life other than Psychic and Wali Allah, to start believing "Witch exist" too, in Al-Quran said about killing wanita yang penyihir, so it means penyihir actually exist and we wonder why there's no talk about them in current life it's like black magic don't exist too, I wonder who are the victims of black magic to believe such magic exist.

I remember all my ns mates believed they black magic me, and some say its protection matter and the money they giving as pity money 1 day will happen but I'm not sure if it's real too, 1(epul) said to not consider it as a penalty money then I will receive his gift, it's weird conversation to believe in black magic, I really don't understand it but just feeling happy to hear I will receive money but unhappy it's "38 years old", when I ns was 20 and 21 years old maybe, it's so long then they talk about money. I don't understand how black magic exist protection but maybe a version of defence skill to believe such thing like m.m.o.r.p.g games.

I remember epul planned to buy me computer on my birthday 1 day, and giving me a sum of money saved by him + $1000 note. To believe that he is someone rich now is weird to me, in N.S all of us were difficult life except Zik gotten motorcycle then forgotten about me ever since that day I go to N.S by myself and go home by myself, he never send me and fetch me too, it's weird but our bestfriend-ness got loss during that time, things are complicated that after some time they told about black magic to me then I realized I have no friends, wonder who or which will revenge about black magic to me though, not really knowing true friendship.

I wonder why ujian from Allah is so heavy to me, like I understand by definition, I have no friends, I loss friends due to memory loss, I can hack so young that I am capable to earn $20K/mth but I'm not 38 years old yet, I scored 100% all subject but in the end I loss memory again and got a normal score people don't see me as someone intelligent or smart, I go through life seeing the people I flirt with when actually I'm a shy guy that don't even talk to others coping because it's part of life phase. Hisyammuddin didnt experience this part of pressure because he didn't flirt with the nurse and o.t there, he's so lucky in life in my opinion.

I wonder what will happen to me at Tampines 1 day, if I really work hard will I feel like Solat again like Hisyammuddin? I really hope I do but I wonder how can it happen too. It's really okay I hope I message Ustaz as soon as I feel confident I will work there for 1 month to ask about Tattoo Removal, I really want a nicer t-shirt and shirt to wear, my tattoo looks like have tail it's not nice because not half of my arm, it's just my luck I can't wear nice t-shirts and shirts.