I was watching One Piece movie just now, didn't know the movie exist for real, NetFlix is really cool and fun. It's about 50 mins to go then it's 7.30p.m, imagining if I'm at work, the timing to go home is really close. I am really excited about this job and hope I do well in it, like a lot of prayers in my heart that I can do it, I really want to earn in life already, and earning $1600 is big considered as that, it's really fun to be working something easy for such a big amount of money as salary. I hope I gain friends and old friends come back in my life, I'm too lonely people had left me alone during my schizophrenia and I became suspicious of friendship then I lost all friendships because of Alysha, I trusted nobody because of schizophrenia from Alysha, the anhedonia was really crazy the happiness really gone from my heart, I go to work feeling unhappy just because it's N.S I have to complete it.
I'm sad but I need to wake up that nobody cares, the girls don't care too even if at advantage of telling doctors what I need, they don't really try to make me feel more ease, it's really hard I have to go through this level of sadness, I'm like a weak seed growing then I wonder what's the difficult part(the shell) to open, what could it be if I'm the plant, to stick out 2 leaf from the shell and stick out to sunlight, it's really something I wonder what is it.
My mother's friend is here then I hear girl(I suspect Alysha)'s voice about being given money then I just had to be happier but not hopeful at all for money too, it's because Alysha I think saying such thing about being given money then it's in my memory by voices that I hear as hallucination.
I'm thinking again if I'm the plant, what's the shell that I need to throw from being a seed, it's something that's part of me, that's the weight from growing up into a nicer maneuverability, then I will throw it away, I wonder what it represent as part of my body or life.
I'm happier thinking this way, then I have an idea that to overcome the big stone on top is maybe having a bigger seed to grow and push the stone off, like 4 people each corner of stone or even 1 to help me move better in life, I wonder how if I'm 174cm, the smallest plant is me then I need a big plant(person) to help me in life. I wonder what the stone represent in my life?
I hope I have someone to think along with me and help me and guide me out of pain, now it's just 40 mins away from the end of working hour 7.30p.m, I just feeling the life of how the time actually moves slowly.
Anyway it simply means I need 4 or 1 person to go through life with me, to maneuver easily under the stone or plants to carry the stone away a bit to move easier in life. It really feels like the stone is my mind of stress, and money can push it away but I really don't know, maybe it is something else, like having no friends maybe? But if have a friend I will be working and can't chat with them on WhatsApp too time still moves slowly.
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