Waiting for life to feel something, I really can't fall asleep too, I calculated that I have $750+ left then adding $144 next month I will have about $900, I really must survive and it's a lot of money given by my brother that i must last it long enough to create myself a better lifestyle. Buying RG477V is definitely worth it that I will have something to spend my time on, I hope my anhedonia don't ruin my experience. I really feel like buying St. John's Wort but I really don't know if I should, remedy for pain I really need something to feel nice in life, I feel so dull in life and I am worried of wasting money that I cannot last until August 2026, it's really only reaching March in 8 days, then 5 months to go, I survive on Jobclub's salary and hoping I get a good job too.
I really don't know why I don't have any friends contacting me, are they worried that I will sabotage their life and make it bad like asking to treat me stuff because it's been so long I feel a lot of hotness in my body that I kept losing memories, and I kept losing pleasures in life, it's kinda worrying that nobody cares about me except my brother maybe, I feel life should be understanding the outside world, should be using datas for happy pictures or videos then I have been spending time at home most of the time but at least it saves money doing this. I hope there's an easier way or faster way to earn money but speed of jobclub is like a schedule that I can only wait "until working day happens" over and over until I get a job by them, the good thing is they will visit my workplace to see that I really am fine at work, then have told my company that I need to go for injection every 4 weeks.
Today my mother said will buka nasi goreng and I'm happy about it, I really miss (S) now like wanting to talk to her but I have no way but wait for luck in life like she changed her mind into creating ideas to meet me faster so I feel fine faster.
It's really hard thinking of life like "will I really be someone that will ride motorbike?", I don't see myself as someone rich but just bus as transport and living life slowly, I know my achievements in life will be slow and I really want to be successful in my life like having goals to become hacker, soldier, psychologist, I really think in the end I will only become a soldier or a security guard even, haha but I have schizophrenia definitely hard to get security job.
I wonder why my neighbours haven't recover from schizophrenia all my 16+ years of time, they seem stable and I know cure for schizophrenia exist when seeing newspaper, exist news that people cure from schizophrenia, I wonder why it's so long to see an example in life.
Can my friends contact me why nobody contact me? I truly just feeling lonely in life then just exercising at night during month of Ramadan then I really don't know what to do in life. I remember like my brother will give me more money if I Solat then I wonder if it's just voices of small girl lying to create me hopeful that I don't worry about government money being late anymore.
I wonder why I remember like Skillsfuture expired money will turn into cash in M.R.T, means doctor was just saying "if" in front then I heard as a sentence of information instead, small girl was around listening also maybe made doctor sound like that to me how unlucky I was, my life chances of getting (S) didn't stop her from not to tunang at all then suddenly goes missing from online activity or it became that I can't see her activities online, I really don't know what to do why she made me think or in action that I will lose her forever my entire life? She really don't care about me is sad how I love her truly yet she only become this way, she would definitely have a nice life with me but she choosing distance then time can really be deadly, what if one of us dies do we know our life at all? She made 10+ years feel like nothing special of loving her then she still living her life working O.C.B.C, I'm really sad that she didn't give me a nice reflex or entertain my needs in life. Why can't she give me money because she's my soulmate? Does she want me to suffer secretly?
I'm thinking of time to finish in life like I can spend in on games but I know anhedonia will kill me off, I will become sad that I don't feel entertained by games that I hope not too, this means I will end up buying St. John's Wort I think, the energy of life is just spending days taking medicine without support of extra nice plans from family, but just waiting for 38 years old for money from Pak Ngah maybe, which is more than $10000, then I hope it's true and not voice of small girl. I wonder what makes them want to wait until June before giving me money, why is it like that I'm not allowed to feel peace in my heart easily, I know I would still work anyway.
Money of Pak Ngah giving I definitely would think of it as marriage money as I really want to marry (S), then hopefully I work something to have money monthly then I should be able to survive. My phone bills is easily $120/year it's cheap definitely I can have a life taking care of a girl if I earn $2000/mth at least. Even McDonald's job is said as $2K+/mth I wonder if actually all job is that much as fact. I know I can survive if I can continue working only needed is stability, everyone is just working in life I assume then nobody accompany me in life, I will grow to become a boring life type of person, I feel worried if I become like nobody in life, and no success, the 100% score during N-level really re-energize me that I can become somebody in life 1 day.
Life is cruel how since N.S days I still receive no support from my family, except my brother, I live knowing their lies of having no money but just not wanting me to have money, it's hard to be in pain multiple times like this, I became needing to save money and I know somehow if I have more money 1 day, I can make everything I spent on as something worth it, I definitely will make good use of this bicycle 1 day like I can learn fishing from my own nephew then goes fishing myself, I really need a kind of support in life like creation of no fear to talk of money, fear is painful it's like a burning heat, it's like torture too because I'm a man then if they enjoy fear, it means they enjoy me feeling tortured, it's the same as being patient, I really need a nice type of love that support me and my soulmate can give me but she just choose to be this way, lifes hard that soulmate don't care about me.
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