Wahdiah became a Linux Engineer then Shahridah became a Teacher, Sakinah works at Bank, then all except Sakinah was an unwanted break-up that I feel life can happen again if I'm somehow helped to stand strong but nobody helps me as fact, my self-damage definitely is just writing their names, then I definitely will self-damage but since nobody cares I don't care too. Alysha the small girl successfully broke me, Wahdiah and Shahridah and then my life totally became meaningless, it felt like the talks been from them then I asked for the leave-me-first because it's painful, then it's like not a break-up at the same time, it's impossible someone like me would ask for a break-up, but we went separate ways anyway, Shahridah have a Mdm as Status it symbolizes married if in correct language, then I should stop being in this delusion of "not ending" or still having them in future, I really dont know what's my future since I won't work at Popeyes, the vision-story was great then they're the only girls that I can't forget.
I remember I wish for Shahridah's success in her school, then she became a successful teacher I assume.
The thing is weird like I thought I got them their jobs, when I offer to hack for free if they get their jobs, then I wonder if it's a dream too, it sucks had to be like that I thought I really got these 3 girls their jobs, then it's maybe my dream or small girl lied and I hear voices instead, it just seems real because I'm a hacker despite my N level proving I'm actually a smart and intelligent person, the gap between me and them is too far by certification and it makes it impossible to have them as my wife, I really can't berangan and hope for them anymore, it's been more than 16 years, I really need to recover and that's it.
I feel like Suicide is the best thought I can think of, 1 dormicum pill costs only $10, if I get 100, it is $1000, then it means if I eat 100 I definitely will die of overdose and while asleep, then it means definitely not painful, small girl successfully break me up with the precious moments and experiences not felt until nearing to 38 years old and nobody in my family sued her, I'm sad that I grew up to become a schizophrenic that's always lovesick and nobody cares, I'll definitely find any random job first by jobclub and work properly, drugs can be gotten anywhere I think then it's just weird like that, how CNB have to search for people but actually it's been everywhere or anywhere, it's just weird I think committing suicide is the best choice to do as none of them are comforting me anything. They really just live their life happily without me and it's sad to see how unimportant I am to them/their life.
I'm definitely working hard to get dormicum pills as an escape to pain, because money is not a problem that my family created it to be a problem in my life too, it's been so long I became a useless man but my family let it be instead of me tasting a rich life sometimes, I'm just living like a normal person as fact, I remembered the days I collect KFC at dustbin somewhere at woodlands and took them home to eat, nobody really cares about me, my family also didn't ask where I got the food and had let me experienced like that. I miss the days I easily get beer everytime the shop closes people sometimes left a bottle of beer unopened, it's really luck but it got me to be feeling better, it's really like I became crazy and my family rather I experience life like that instead of giving me money, only my brother gives me money is hard because he's my brother, someone I don't know how to ask money from.
I feel like my brain have something hard now, it's like a rock in it I only take fluoxetine and paliperidone injection and it's supposed to cure me but I feel this way, maybe I experienced an unspotted allergy but I really don't know, I just have to wait for 1 year for the medicine to change, it's been over 6 months of exercise and I don't know if my body is really better now, haha, funny dying in a better health body. People don't understand me that I feel this way, I feel like Syurga is just a lie to get us to zikir and Dua and solat, because I think ived zikir a million times then I still did not get power from Allah. I ever baca Al-Fatihah more than 30 times on water daily to drink them, but still I have no power from Allah. Maybe Wali Allah is just a ranking that psychiatrists knows then tells them information and Wali Allah power don't really exist except by Psychic. I really don't know why Allah made me fall in love with girls that I can't get, I feel like my life is hopeless and I should end it 1 day, I have no power despite many times zikir, 1 year of solat, remembering Asma-ul-Husna, done a lot of doa, I really just ambitious to be a smart man then nobody still cares to make me one just letting me live in pain with this. I really don't know what to do but growing up is like building death faster for me which became something enjoyable as will earn money to buy dormicums. If buying 100 it's definitely a discount price exist too, I think life is really nothing, only (R) visited me before I think only 1 person care doesnt really mean anything to me. I don't care if I hear from psychic that my future son will become Wali Allah, he's maybe not existing because of this hard feelings I have in my head, heart and body. It's like a stone or something stuck inside I really feel it's physical but mental medicine is the only prescription I got.
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