I'm so hungry now have about 4 hours until buka puasa then tomorrow is working day again, Ive been wasting money and I worry a lot then Sakinah didn't give me money despite getting her favourite job, my only reason to meet her is like she giving me something if I'm useless because of my skills, I thought hacker is a wanted skill then I'm still jobless for now. Even I 50-50 dreamt of Wahdiah and Shahridah about the jobs they got was like I was there first before they applied and I offered free hacking if employ both of them, I just tell I'm the top hacker in the world by psychiatrist's ranking and then both got the job. I plan to help in hacking because it's only primary school(Shahridah), then Wahdiah is a computer company I think. My eyes like wiggle or jiggle like left and right, up and down like crazy, maybe it's schizophrenia that I am supposed to lose my memory but I did not and my eyes got maintained like that from the medicine.
It sucks my previous writing only 7 viewers, I imagine Wahdiah, Sakinah, Shahridah, as readers, 1 is Psychic that chooses who to tell, then others are my neighbours or relative, if it's only 1 or 3 to 4, maybe 1 viewer decide to not tell the quantity that read me up, I hope it's like that. I have an idea if there's so many readers all the time to make an advertisement earning way of money so life can be easier.
I don't know if my friend Epul and Zik reads me or like Izzuddin or Sadiq reads me, they really just have decided to not contact me anyway because of my schizophrenia, I really have nothing nobody to comfort me during Ramadan like ponteng puasa together, have no friends for more than 16 years like that, I became unstable from Alisha for so many years and nobody pitied me even in a manner maybe like teaching me a lesson instead to take medicine. My neighbours seem fine and healthy even if schizophrenia, I really wonder what to do, I have nothing to do daily and keep thinking how to occupy my time in life. Now it's 3.44p.m and it's scary imagining life as slow and just sitting around without being able to sleep. Why nobody cares about me? Did I really waste money during Ramadan is it really worth it?
I imagine Wahdiah will tell me to Solat, I however can't be heeding because my feelings will be bad again like anhedonia create loss of pleasure in life then I can't feel the pleasure of life if I Solat, Shahridah had ignored me totally and left me alone without helping me be strong, I loss support from both of them due to schizophrenia and Alisha's attack-statement that she maybe forgot because of schizophrenia. Why my luck is like this in life? Nobody tells me why too, to think of it as Qada' and Qadar, it's so unfair I have to experience pain for more than 10 years long, then I have nobody helping me to suicide too, if in Japan there's a group movement that usually commit suicide together they are different, they are jumpers from high building I think is crazy, it's definitely a painful death to crush on floor, why they didn't think like that is weird.
I wonder why Sakinah let me be crazy in love with her then still not reject me totally, I really miss her like crazy for so many years and I can't help myself but feel all the pressures in love and missing her, why she didn't help me carry the pain away by meeting me? Why is she like this to me?
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