Energy to Work Properly

The Hari Raya Biz that sells the packet to insert money gives me energy to work as I have to be an uncle that gives money to my nephews and nieces, it's hard I'm the only one in the family that is useless and not achieving a lot I wonder why doctors let me to believe I would be someone earning $53K/mth with Psychological And Hacker Jobs, it's really harsh to imagine such amount of money working 4 job titles then actually when reality-check, I am someone that is hard to work and someone schizophrenic unsure about which voices are real information and which is edited information to fool my mind. Even when I take medicines I experience voices that fools my mind I wonder why is it like that? Why am I not recovered yet?

I wonder how people got the confidence to give money to nieces and nephews while I feel it is hard to earn money, people give them out easily during Hari Raya, I'm the only one that haven't been giving out money before since after N.S I don't even have savings for marriage, I am so useless then it's because of lovesickness maybe I really can't do anything, a man that can't work properly is a lousy man I think, I'm so bad luck in life. But looking at the videos about money, it energized me to keep working tomorrow as it's 3 days of rest after that anyway and to earn for the new month of March to get in April. It's really hard imagining myself to be working like a self-damage just to get money, I don't know why schizophrenia is like this, I'm really not sure if I can really be strong to earn money by myself, the job must not give me a dull feeling that's all, I really worry about myself like why others don't feel the hard feelings that I feel and can easily say that "because I don't work I'm lazy" that's all as the summary about me, why I became a useless man for so long, it's 38 years old this year and I have no savings, people are having more than $100K for houses but me I don't have such money at all.

Why is my life so difficult and why people only see that I must work, I feel it's difficult to be living like this, tomorrow is only 3 hours then I can't find a job that's low hours too, this is my only chances of surviving this bad life.

I wonder when people would give me money especially the small girl, it's really difficult the pain is real but I live like no damage happens and I have to be stronger to work myself, I wonder why other schizophrenic don't have to work and still have money like those in ward all of them looks more richer than me, they have nice phones for example, they somehow live daily without worry of daily stress of boredom, it's weird they don't consider it as crazy or insane to be treated like that? Why are doctors so harsh treating us like that in hospital? It's so boring, even the activities are like kids, pasting, colouring, then it's like no gains in life. I wonder why people are so heartless to let me go through it then I got spiked inside still they didn't care about it, then my parents didn't give me money but my brother, why is it like that the difficulty of life to be felt as a poor person instead of someone that matches the kind of house we live in, why do parents lie to me like that?

The attention I get is unknown, if it's (R) probably no reactions of help because she's only a reader, I really have no one that (S) that knows didn't help me too, why she don't mind that I live in suffering all these many years? (W) & (A) are earning big but I'm left to suffer without money, they didn't even help me and let me live a poor life, so many years life gone like nothing. I didn't grow up to become a capable man but someone sick and like a lot of complains instead, my parents are somehow strictly not giving money for what reasons? There's no sudden cure of schizophrenia if they save up so much there's nothing that cure schizophrenia except the medicine I think, why it's almost 1 year but my memory is only false ones and not correct ones? The small girl really had ruined my thinking.

It's only close to 11a.m now and I don't know what to do, I really have nothing to do everyday and tomorrow will be the same after work, then it's Ramadan it's really hard to drink water as something to kill time, why I became like a mad man and nobody cares about it? I definitely feel suicidal and it's definitely a decision because dormicum is a sleeping pill then if eat a lot I definitely will die I think, then dying in sleep won't be painful, I am really stressed but everyone is the same and not being supportive of me, it's too painful to keep it in heart and it attacks me mentally with having false-info that ruins my vision of future too, I really thought I will be receiving money for real and only got $1000 from my brother, I definitely don't feel like he will give again, he didn't measure that I finished $850 and $600 so quickly to imagine me still feeling worried, I really need the ease in life, I'm still happy with the amount given though, it's better than nothing and it's a lot like something that I can survive on for months. Waiting for August is so long it's 5 months in 3 days, then I only need to quit smoking and not buy food and drinks, then I will be fine.