Just now I went out to NTUC to buy Sushi and Chilli Tuna, I don't know if (S) got the same food as me but maybe she does? I really don't know, will doctors keep in touch with her 5 days a week like always getting the correct food that I have? Did she eat mee rebus yesterday too? I wonder like this. Life's really hard for me but easy for her, but she work daily it means she gets tired when already at home, really I wonder how her life is like, can't be that she really eat the same as me because her niece maybe will eat McDonald's such thing. It's really harsh thinking of her actually as my soulmate and having a nicer life than me but just occupied with work and niece, she really didn't give me any time at all.
I'm waiting for the holidays to be over then it's time for RG477V as they start working again on 26 February, maybe the time they would send me the console, I'm really excited how my life would become once I get the console, it's really a lot of stress my life I really don't want to waste money but Ramadan is the moment that usually will feel like buying stuff, luckily found a $10+ cigs. I really not sure about the price but it's London, then it saved me abit of money.
The drag of months to keep going jobclub is really harsh, earning only so little, then to wait for mid March feels so long, I really hope I get a good job I keep praying in my heart, that I can work and become a lifestyle like Hisyammuddin can afford everything ownself already, it's just too tough earning so little and this schizophrenic feelings like a laziness but I don't know what it is, I just remembered that I loss memory of the sign under my block and I posted again I thought as a new sign to beware of traffic. It's really weird my memory just gone like that.
I'm thinking of living life like having $1000 most of the years like no problem then I actually wouldn't feel bad belanja in Ramadan, my 1st sister keeps eating good food for her Ramadan I feel her life as lucky, she really upgraded herself into a nice life, in family I am the only difficult life while my 2nd sister makes her own life difficult by eating cheaper food, it's weird their Ramadan is like that when actually have a lot of money.
I really wonder when my family or relatives will give me money, they don't mind me living life like this, to be thinking of June is like so hard for me, I wonder why it's like that, why can't it be sooner like Hisyammuddin? My brother is the only one that got me to feel like Hisyammuddin, suddenly having a lot of money. But when I think again, August government gives nearly $1000 anyway, I really don't know how can I last until August, it's really just 6 or 5 months to go, then me having around $800 soon to imagine I have quit smoking, I really don't want to finish my money too quickly. When is the Soldier and Hacker job story of doctor anyway? Why is it so long for it to happen? I'm already taking my medications daily then they didn't make it easier for me to get the kind of job that I wish. I wonder what makes me hear like I will become soldier at 38 years old, it really energize me that I will become somebody stable 1 day, it's so hard this life, I wonder how Hisyammuddin got out of the suicidal feelings, I really am enduring it, it's maybe jobclub making it feel like suicidal as too little money and paying to and back for $6+, wasting so much money per journey, it really makes that I can't search for (S) outside, the only place I can think of is Raffles Place and City Hall to walk to Esplanade and Marina Square to search for O.C.B.C maybe at the Marina Place even, I really dont know where she's at, why did she left me thinking of her so hard and this bad, she really left me clueless on where I can find her and just live her life without caring for me. I wonder what kind of girl I should search for if I were to live my life, to think of her as not my soulmate it's hard.
Now it's around 4 more hours until buka puasa, I really can't sleep in the day and don't know what to do, I remember at Ward I would just sit around and stare around, I really have no life and my family made me go through all that without feeling bad or feeling like have to repay me something nicer to feel in life, they really let me suffer inside ward and I am so mentally unstable, it's like pushing me into becoming crazy legally, like just visiting me, no wonder in ward even if I took medications I didn't think that they are my real family, it's just too harsh and they didn't fight for me to be outside.
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