I feel uneasy like needing to quit smoking, I saw $16 for 2 or 3 inhalers of "Quit Smoking" I feel like buying it instead, life's hard if like a survival, I feel like I'm sick no need to puasa for Ramadan as fact too, but I just endure what I can I feel bad I'm not a good practicer of Muslim's Teachings.
I've done learning Iqra just now and hoping I don't miss a day anymore, I feel like I should be able to read Al-Quran if all the writings are the same as the alphabet but when jointed it may look different, so I really don't know why it's like that, it creates some confusion of what alphabet it is and I may become slow, like ha hi hu and ma mi mu, it looks quite the same if jointed, I really don't know.
What I remember from the past is: I would be working soldier job and learning Iqra then my neighbour would ask me if I have known Iqra, then it didn't happen too, I wonder when is the Soldier Job, why does it feel like it's close too? Why was our conversation like all the pain will be ending then actually not? I also remember from the past that the conversation is 1 of my neighbour would work as Popeyes and me would work at Popeyes too but it didn't happen too, so I wonder what I would be working as, March is close soon and tomorrow is my 2nd last day of February to work, I really feel happy that I'm earning a little it's at least something. Just nice to have Anbernic RG477V to survive the boredom in life. The notice said that the shipment will be delay due to New Year Celebration, then I really don't know when I will receive my Console. I really plan to play with my nephews on our own console some games together but I wonder if it would happen. Life's really like a survival it's felt truly again and I worry about having no money even if my brother had given me $1000 that day, life's really like that. Hisyammuddin was lucky because he was given $10K then I'm not so lucky my mother not giving me money on 6mths of medications, I feel sad my luck is not the same happiness and a lesser worry feelings didn't happen, $1000 is okay still to wait for August to happen hopefully.
His schizophrenia and mine should be the same but I have suffered more than 16 years due to degil tak makan ubat but Hisyammuddin healed instantly having to endure pain of money too, he's lucky he was supported, I hope I have the same luck as him 1 day. My eyes feels weird I feel like not comforted and I feel like I'm a weak person, I really didn't want to waste money during Ramadan but it's like happening in my life, nvm, March I will receive $144 and I will restabilize somehow, I just have to work weekly for 2 days left, then it becomes 3 days a week in March, I hope the days are good and comfortable for me. I really hate this phase of life of thinking about working and earning then being someone schizophrenic hard to work and earn as fact but people are not being supportive to let me feel a nicer life. I think the small girl Alysha really used my relative's calling to create me delusional in future(this present moment) last time, then it happens, it's been more than 16 years but it's still happening I wish I have a lie detector as I don't exaggerate my memory is something like that.
I thought my uncle would get me Aircon, television in room, then it's maybe voices of Alysha lying such thing to make me berangan in future then like a sudden pain as it's all imagination. I wonder why her heart is like that to me, I really don't understand at all. Whenever she attacks she will loss memory and her eyes become all white, all schizophrenia is like that I think(when loss memory), I feel like it's a stupid sickness in the way of having a pleasure in life and blockers or stoppers of happiness. When I was being spiked meth, I thought electrical devices can heal my brain and connect the splitted-minds, then the information was just energy of meth alone, I'm so unlucky i thought the I.M.H schizophrenia research would become interesting and we can be cured from schizophrenia faster.
I think I need someone to chat with everyday to feel healthy but I think conversation would be about ponteng puasa together and hang out instead, I really have to endure Ramadan to not waste money and buy food secretly, I wonder how that my life became bad already and I still survive on jobclub's money next month onwards, it's my only hope of feeling having a future savings. I really don't know why my soulmate will have more fun in life I really thought it's been my effort to keep her psychologically strong as I have doctors, then she didn't effort to push me out of difficult feelings and I have to survive from my brother alone. I really don't know what to do.
Another memory is I don't know if it's small girl's lies or my brother, if I Solat I will get $5000, why do I hear such thing to make me feel comforted in life? I really hope jobclub really survive me entire months this year until August, then I still get to save up the money that my brother gave me.
Can someone contact me already that's my friends instead of reading only? I really feel like a loner kind of life, definitely people think of money to not spend on me but what to do my life is like that for so long since N.S days I became a useless man due to schizophrenia and without support of people due to money wastage in life. How come people can't plan for me how to spend my money? It's really difficult and have to be this way for real, reality is really like this and I can't evade the hardship especially during cravings in Ramadan, I realized I'm the sort of people that have no money to spend during Ramadan then just looking at food all the way. My 2nd Sister and Dina also only ate Maggi on their first day, really save up money easily, it's weird girls don't always feel like eating a lot and life about money about girls is always easier than guys.
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