Finallyfe

Finally life, haha, my bro made me enough money before March and I'm happy about it, my working day in bus definitely will be occupied by my console that I finally have and I got to be extra 2nd player if nephew bring their console to play, Ayatul Kursi necklace will be something to feel holy about, I hope stories of Islam like it brings protection are all true, I really want my heart protected from ache and from mental ache too, I'm upset my memories are slow and it's only up until this, I haven't remembered nice ones and got to go through bad ones first, it's sad the girl fooled my recovery moment into hearing her voice again, then a wrong information that caused me like a short conflict with my family, she's definitely like a Satan in disguise, no idea why she do that to me, maybe just wanting me crazy and think she never like to bully babies, she love making babies cry and only me that caught her.

I hope the benefit of Ayatul Kursi necklace is real, I used to recite it every night and morning in the past, even repetitively recite Ayat Kursi until I fall asleep hoping for a true dream or Knowledgeable dream from Allah, I really energetic on matters of real power that's from Allah, then hope this necklace brings power into my life and health, I remember my neck will be colder when wearing it I ever worn it in the past at I.M.H from doctor, so I will believe in power and health from it too, my hot temperature definitely will be controlled and decreased from this necklace, I will feel like a Soldier because of the size of item but I really hope people like Imam Mahdi really appears faster so can verify my love for (S) is true.

Now imagining around 7 hours to go until buka puasa, life really got better when my brother gave money that I hope I can save until August, it's really that long and I have to live on like this. I really miss (S) a lot, my head really feels like empty and I feel like bad but I'm surviving life anyway, I have to bear life being slow but I know I am earning from jobclub to help me back up on my feet, life feels like a fall happening multiple times and I'm excited waiting for June that I don't become warded again, it's usually the same people in ward and it means I'm always warded the same date with them, it's like a fixed schedule of schizophrenia that suddenly comes to create us mentally sick then we kept meeting over and over again which I usually don't remember and still feels like only 2nd time at Ward 35A but I remember it's actually been many times, I remember looking at my age at the wrist tag, that I keep getting older and older and kept going to ward over and over again. Finally this year it's no longer happening and I will be cured hopefully in Year 2 or the Year I'm 39 years old, it's really tough being a schizophrenic and having to earn money ownself, that parents don't support and have to live on my own, it's mentally stressful and creation of sadness and anger at the same time.

I really hope my strength will be enough to be earning at least $2K/mth 1 day, but I wonder to work as what then? The only job I can think of is jobclub's reference or redirection to be a successful person just for this remaining 10 months of this year, as year of 39 years old is the day I might take O-level as story of doctor is like that, I want it to be real that I am a successful scorer and I plan to study hard too, it's only 1 year of life and I have wasted many years while (S) still lives her life she's maybe still working anyway then I have enough time to catch-up to become a nicer status man, it's really hard but I have to believe doctor sometimes or it's just mixture of truth and lies or truth and dreams in my mind, I wonder why it's not clear but I'm just unlucky to have small girl that love to lie about things that will help me in life. If I didn't hear that I will get $10K, I wouldn't be in pain anyway, the small girl really intrude my recovery chances and created such sentence for me to feel confirmed and believe her sentence, then actually my mother never plan to give me $10K at all, I'm really okay then. I just have to wait for my recovery and whoever can find me a friend to chat with will be nice, but I think nobody will do that, end up I only blog and feeling like already having attention that's right, I read that weakman desire attention then actually I'm just not strong to ask myself or I'm just weak? Or it's blog the memory of something in case I die? People don't really care like taking risks "even if in case I die, not to help me" yet because it's not good in their opinion, or like my mother simply said "no money".