Nothing to Do

I can't find what's nice to do, everyday it's like this, I'm meant to feel bored? Have I passed the recovery moments yet? If I can't work yet, means I'm meant to be feeling like this?

I still think of (S) daily since Kindergarten days, I wonder how I dare to be like this but it's the only communication path/way/chances, I don't know if she will be nicely contacting me at all.

I pity (A) that have to go through the same story of my life in the past, about (S), but then the 2nd time she's gone from my life. I think only my plans of O-Level can make her contact me back somehow? Everytime my 161 Passby her block I kept thinking of my luck with her if will ever meet again. (W) Too, she contacted me at 36 yrs old I think or it was 33 years old? I don't remember, means she's actually not married yet, maybe my Soulmate anyway?

I don't know how my life became messy, I can't hold onto anyone it's like I feel bad at that time as I'm having schizophrenia anyway, the memory loss was real then it's hard to believe such thing exist, that memory loss people had to be me? I loss my life pleasure chances with girls just like that? I don't know how to get them back, only know their houses, the only luck is if my parents helps maybe.

I am thinking how I can live life peacefully, it's still hard to read the Arabic language, and I wonder when I will try my best about it if I kept feeling bored when learning. Quran definitely my goal as in the end I don't think like I will get married with anyone, nobody appeared in my life anymore.

I wonder how to become a psychic or Wali Allah, they just know things about future and the world, I want to become one too. If I can be one, I just have something in mind like "how can I get my soulmate?", why life's hard for me? Why do I have to effort if think my soulmate will know that she's my soulmate? Isn't it that soulmate actually knows each other? Why does Allah let me go through all these?

I think of just doing whatever scheduled for me to do as the only thing left to do in life, then how about "getting job myself", why there's no suitable job that I will work at least 6 months at? Why did I become a weak man in life? Men grow to become stronger. Then I'm still ambitious soldier, like will apply with my N Level and Bad N.S Records? I wonder how I just want such life of a stable-looking man. I desire the health, medicines definitely the right way I'm doing, I will be fine in life I hope this isn't too long. The waiting been so long, I've been wanting to further my education long time ago knowing my memory loss will occur many years too, I wonder why it's like this - I know but I can't do anything else, sometimes I wish and hope I'm really just a foetus looking outside at projected images to tummy of my mother that I actually haven't loss any experiences with my soulmate yet, I want my soulmate happy with me.