I really can't do anything in life like having to go through this, I feel I should just get a job too it's not like I have no brains to just be getting nothing in life.
I don't know instead of seeing me as can't work for 17 years they see me as "lazy to work" for 17 years instead I think, nobody would want to be having no money definitely will find a job, why is the imagination like this?
Isn't i.m.h meant for crazy people? Doesn't this mean they actually see me as crazy as fact then just let go "if not i.m.h like a prison anyway", it's like being in prison for 1.5mths every year? Their satisfaction like that they don't feel like torturing me at all is weird too.
There's no talk of my moments in life "if I feel wasted", instead "everything is from Allah" but then didn't they not give money that I feel no effort I can do for myself to feel different in life? They're different they Solat daily then they don't go Shopping Centres for so many years is weird, it's maybe like more than 20 years never go Marina Square even, why are they like this in life? Why is shopping not normal in my family? In the end just buying from Online Shops everytime? Didn't I buy clothes to go out using g.s.t money? Isn't taking medication enough that they have to send me for jobclub to believe doctor as main point then doctor don't tell about my future anymore?
Nobody really cares maybe - it's just "do or bad luck(enter i.m.h)" as what I feel like the unspoken threat to me from my family, isn't it still schizophrenia to feel threat or it's lacking of interest to care me from my family? Isn't this like a neglection in secret? They can't make me happier but on purpose let me feel sadness?
There's nothing to talk but worry of losing time in life then they just "everything from Allah" as an anger-causing statement, if they effort like giving me to spend isn't it different or I save money to bank in? Then it's not difficulty created to me on purpose "to understand life". I can't live normally like this, my plans to go out is only every g.s.t "if not it's jobclub" to rely on, and the only thing I must feel happy about because of believing doctor - it's only Phone Number, what if doctor planned with Simba to give me that number then it's not Psychic Knowledge but just sounds like knowing future because it's the correct same number? Why do I experience this kind of anger that nobody effort knowing it's hard to talk due to I can forget? After "everything from Allah" maybe they are imagined as "berbual sendiri"(talk it myself), instead of typing in my imagination, isn't typing a writing way of releasing stress?
Why like where is the peacefulness creation is only the common sense of needs like Food and Water, but isn't it Plain Water I mostly drink then I keep using g.s.t money to buy drinks isn't it a waste of my own savings? The panic feelings like created me to imagine a Survivor person instead of Normal Life Person.
They have proven wanting to put me in ward for 1.5mths every year if I don't take medications anyway, instead of making me eat somehow giving me medications even, I really have no life and such records in life, there's no effort to help me remove the insanity I feel but just "normal reaction like telling to work" making it worse like not caring about my difficulty instead. I think to assume the reader just collector of writings and my family read elsewhere or making me not feel like a man with brains, disallowing anger making me talk to them about it myself into real anger to feel, a fixated threat kind of thing.
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