I feel like I should just buy St. John's Wort to counter anhedonia I read it's this medicine then I really don't know if true and correct. It's really hard if feel nothing in life. I really don't remember what medicine I was taking I thought the green and white pill(fluoxetine) is fine, it's really harsh that even 2 don't make it work nicely.
The next time my appointment with a doctor is on 31st August, my family don't pity that I have anhedonia then even my 2nd sister asked what it means, I think it's the 2nd time and means they don't care at all about it. I really want to feel the fun feelings but I don't feel them.
I hope some people start e-mailing Club Heal(Facebook - "Club H.E.A.L" Click E-Mail) about me so I hope my counsellor have an easier job getting to know me, that I hope will side me in this life experience or journey.
Money is calculated by me as "nothing" if give it to me but then they calculate money like it's a treasure or wasiat(macam mintak 200 ribu dollar) when they don't give it to me anything, only my brother gave me sadly my life kept on being like this. There's no nice support at all to make me feel more, so I can search for the girl that I love, they let her gone from my life for so many years without worry, probably hate her because of what I can become. It's really sad and disappointing seeing myself turning 38 years old it's very suicidal if it's 40 years old then they don't effort at all. I feel it's like too late in life but somehow a counsellor maybe can heal my feelings that it's not too late. 40 years old is maybe then "too late", I feel the torture is like a murder case because of the feelings that I missed Sakinah since 6 years old then my family don't effort except my relatives and doctors, but who knows it could only be 1 day their effort, I'm so bad luck about life happiness, everyone doing well without caring my consumption in life as "not nice or too little or too boring", they let me suffer "like an adult" for a schizophrenia to be independent is bad even jobclub search a job for us even if it's bad.
They probably just use "schizophrenia" as the reason I ask for money or like this, like I can never think well or I'm retarded instead, right now I have $470+ in my bank then it's lucky how I effort in life and they should be growing it for me instead of letting me survive as a schizophrenic? Means I can't plan other kind of life other than food, and I can't go out because of anhedonia it will feel boring and waste my money? They only creating wanting drugs to feel pleasure - like wanting Prozac if replace Fluoxetine, Benztropine for the slight pleasure daily so strong pill so small but gives pleasure, Tramadol for painkiller like heartache became not feared to be felt in life, it creates no fear from voices pain by Alysha that uses multiple type of "identity voices".
It's not my fault that I have schizophrenia but they want to create me independent on my sickness, like manage myself and even made me anticipate demanding to work kind of feelings in my heart, it's really sad but they just feel it's normal, they treat me normal when they want their wish then schizophrenic when I want my wish. It's unfair to me and a lot of pain.
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