The problem is that on 19th June will be my birthday then my friend Epul said wanted to give me a CPU 1 set of gaming computer, I think my life will become easier again as I will have computer but only if it's true, it's really harsh, then we going to talk about going to Johor together but I really don't know if it will happen because it's not 19th June yet.
I also wonder what's a good date to start learning O level early, because life's too harsh I really need to become a better man then I'm still stuck with this schizophrenia that I will only discover if I will be fine on 29th June(as the cycle of 1 year happens).
I somehow hope that counsellor exist but then it's too difficult as I have too many posts. I wonder what will settle first, I just want a lighter life if it can't be easier but then I'm like a handicap person, I wonder about my brain is it really getting better because I can remember harsh things like Alysha wanting to make me think that I'm God and already have a child with Sakinah and 6 of them - All sixplets of different faces, then I remember it's like my cousin Abg Cha and Abg Cik both different face and won't misjudge of their faces, I thought my sons would become like that - all different faces.
Alysha is quite crazy made my mind mentally unstable, it's due to a weak mental even if a good memory person the symptom is "loss of memory" then right now maybe I'm doing well on medications.
I read that a person need to be at least 6 months to 1 year on medications to be okay, then maybe I need 1 year? I really don't know it's just still hard to work, I wonder what Club Heal will search what kind of jobs for me, maybe dishwasher again? I really don't want to be a McDonald worker. My weakness really bad then despite my high scoring days during N level nobody like have belief in me that I can do well in a job, then if they knew I kept becoming difficult to work, why none of them give me money? Then why my brother that gave me money talks about work most of the time, it just probably trigger memories Alysha's telling/commanding-expression to tell me to go to work, it's really bad a man's common sense being commanded like wanting to turn me gay because I can't beat her up and make her shut up.
My unluckiness lasts until I'm turning 38 years old the age of recovery I just became wanting to spend time with anyone that enjoys being around me and I don't want to waste my life. Maybe Club Heal will really help me for me to occupy my lifestyle in a different way.
Daily I smoke like $4.30 every 2 days, then its like 3-4 days to be $8.60 I really feel like it's a waste then it's still better to buy Pokemon Cards that chance me on getting $1.3M card - The Illustrator. Doctor said that I will have at least 10 of Illustrator Card 1 day making me actually a $10 Millionaire 1 day. I wonder when such thing will happen, I really want a good life as my life is bad. I hope Allah sides me in life and doctors really true that I will become so rich in life, I really want a lot of ease for my life to become better, it's like no use becoming stronger in health but then still have no money it can create me mentally unwell over and over again because I live such a poor life in a richer-than-normal house(2-storey house), it's disappointing how my mental is weak that I believed easily that they have no money but I can't do anything about it, they rather let me suffer like this is weird too.
I remember of wanting to explore places but not alone, I wonder if activities of Club Heal can make me happy too, it's because I'm a type of lifestyle in the past that likes to play games, and I have tattoo so I don't know if I will fit in I hope counsellor don't make me try if it's really bad for me, I really don't know how to live my life properly as it's going to be 38 years old in 19 days then it means my time management been bad and I have been suffering and parents really don't support me with money as their final decision in life, I really hope I can have a good anhedonia recovery pill so I at least can have fun playing games, I don't feel pleasured playing games at all and it's the sad thing of this medicine, it means when I eat food secretly it will not taste so good as well? I remember doctor saying its 75% of niceness that cause me to be addicted to the food and requiring to eat more to feel the same satisfaction as others. It's like memory of Chilli Tuna that my brother ate so little even if it's so nice to finish it.
I just plan until 1 week of next week, on Friday if no response or call from Club Heal I will e-mail again to test my luck. By the time I will already have microphone to karaoke so I hope I don't make a fool of myself and just be a normal singer if it's not so nice.
I wonder what can help me in life, since teenagers I wanted a counsellor then it's so long then psychic didn't even help me look for a counsellor but I live my life in suffering daily, it's really weird why they don't help me anyway and look for me a counsellor and wait for me to be 38 years old soon? I find the decision so harsh and bad that it's painful to be suddenly living realizing turning 38 years old when I discovered I'm 37 years old the last time in ward, I feel I became old and nobody cares I have no gain in life, no achievement and still doctor is true that I'm struggling even when reaching 38 years old.
I really wonder what job I will do because I'm having a hard time living my life if I kept depending on government's money, I need life like laptop if not computer, then nobody is doing it for me except in my memories are stories of friends that will give me money to support me when I recover at 38 years old.
The recovery day is awaited for so long then I don't know how long I will keep waiting, even if doctor said that I will recover in December "that I'm not supposed to recover yet", I'm still waiting for a hopeful thing to happen like faster recovery, it's really bad when I imagine my neighbours still haven't recovered yet, I hope I don't take so long like them, it's scary but they looked fine if don't recover, I wonder what made them not ask doctor "when will be cured"? It's really weird I hope I have nice feelings like them, because I know they don't gain weight means maybe their life are still having nice feelings despite the daily medications daily. I hope 1 of them will ask doctor for me to have the same medicine as it's the same diagnosis anyway - schizophrenia. I really don't want to grow into a fat man.
I hope my writings all these while(almost 1 year) helps me somehow especially about Sakinah, Wahdiah and Shahridah.
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