Day 289 out of ward(337 on medications)

12 then 16(About Binary) viewers my previous post, I really feel bored that everyone let me live life like this. I feel like nothing in life, like I don't know if I will become a better man, the energy like die off then I really don't know as no one encourage me to take O level, it's really harsh my life.

I think not today but Monday or Tuesday I will receive my microphone, it's really bad and so long but I have to feel it, I really want to finish the feelings already like just doing Karaoke to see if I will be healthier? Like more fun in life. Doctor saying my first song is the main point of the Star Maker competition, then I remembered like maybe Alysha made me delusional, it's always her but how she know of Star Maker if it's not me it's maybe doctor? I really don't care anymore I just want to have fun feeling like the old days when my 2nd sister's ex-husband was around, I remember our life was a lot of movies, french fries and nuggets with mayonnaise and chilli sauce, it's addictive and I remember I felt like an extra wasting their money buying me food all the time, I also thought I'm the cause of their divorce when I was schizophrenic, like a burden to care as an extra man in the house.

It's really a tough life journey, I feel 20+ years only like 1 year of my life then I'm suddenly turning 38 next month 19th June, it's really sad how I've became nothing and like story of doctor I will struggle to have a job even when reaching 38 years old, it's really crazy.

I hope Club Heal helps me find a job but it's my lowest priority and expectation from Club Heal because I have other things to settle like Alysha's going to be a court case at least so me and Dina have extra money in life. I wonder what job I will be working as from June to December this year, January will be my O level? Wow life really feels so short and fast, I haven't had enough fun like an old person living in the house with weak legs then cant really move around to enjoy in life, it's really bad my life experience everyday it's like an old person being cared of.

I realized yesterday that it's Holiday for Anaqi as reaching the 6th month then it's not a Public Holiday so I assume Club Heal have contacted my parents about a meet-up appointment, I hope everything will be settled fast so I no longer stress about money and somehow can meet Sakinah 1 day.