They Korban at Batam I think then didn't give me money "orang susah", I thought "rumahku syurgaku" but I don't feel like heaven at home, I hope the counselling really help to convert my house to become desirable to be at everyday.
Haha.
At 11a.m will be going to 2nd sister's house to eat sambal goreng and rendang ayam with nasi, it would be nice feelings today.
My 1st sister got food from her husband's side, and Hari Raya Haji is normal like just having "makanan Dari syurga" and that's all:
Don't know why I became comparing life of others but their life is great because it's okay as my nephews are young and still knowing the world of what exist.
Just now I watch Mobile Legends competition videos since yesterday, it reminds me of doctors saying I will play Mobile Legends with my nephew Aqmar and Dina's Boyfriend, as a "Family Clan" and 2 more person, to compete in competition and then we will win $15,000, that's the story of doctor. Doctor also said that I will be collecting Pokemon Cards for my future children so I will end up buying Pokemon Cards when I have money, then I will earn $1M from selling the cards.
I remember doctor also said that I will complete in Karaoke "Star Maker" competition and win the Singing Competition. At that time I no longer smoke is the story of doctor.
It's really crazy I will become addicted to Karaoke again? It's been so long ever since before the divorce of my 2nd sister, that was my last time Karaoke. At least I will be living back my life 1 day, singing Karaoke means maybe I will no longer have anhedonia then healthier in life?
I wish for a greater and pleasant life like having small lorry to bring my nephews jalan2 to places, ever Friday or Saturday, to explore haunted structures and hope some of us experience like an entity exist kind of feelings again, it's really bad as we grow old we became less sensitive to feelings of ghost maybe and the horror feelings like gone just like that, I just want my nephews and niece to enjoy their time in the world and not less happiness and enjoyment like me, I'm happy how my 1st sister treat them good food and yesterday saw Dina eating McDonalds, it's really a happy feeling that they enjoy themselves, I remember I have been suffering and wondering why my parents don't care about me, it's really sad like they rather I suffer without money than have money to counter anhedonic feelings + chasing the experiences in life. I wonder why my family doesn't help me chase experiences in life, they let me be at home for almost 1 year(I go out sometimes but just places like park and sit at shelter), it's really sad I hope counsellor helps me out about this kind of experiences to chase back into my life. I'm turning 40 years old but I feel like a boy still, due to memory loss for over 20 years, it felt only like 1 year all the years that I've gone through, but the point is I know "it's long time ago".
It reminds me of my days in ward, I thought 1 hour is 1 day, something like that, I counted the days of "inside ward" as 1 week or 3 days = 1 mth, something like that. The voices made me feel that way, that time I was on medications but I feel like "I will lose my life experiences" then I think positive "God can't be taking my life experiences time away", then now I realized that it's over. I've done another 1.5mths in ward like every year. I wonder why my mind mess up until thinking so positively of God, why doctors are not sad that I loss so much time of my life inside ward? Why doctors are not sad like gifting me the time they took me into ward and I loss my N level scores due to not studying newer topics in ward? Why doctors are like this to me?
The feeling of "terror" like panic, that Club Heal calls it as "anxious" as I don't know how to describe, was inside ward for so long, I feel like a terrorist will appear and break into the ward and then all of us become "our soldier self" and fight together then get to release from the I.M.H, it's really bad like a different world kind of feelings when inside ward, I wonder when I will be okay about it.
I am hoping people like Zoe Lim writes more and klay.hole to make more videos, I'm bored as hell and they're the only interesting people that I like to update myself with daily, other people are boring and I don't know what to do in life just TikTok and Facebook videos or image/quotes every time, I really don't see or vision myself as becoming someone successful in the world. I'm really imagining what I said like "wanting to study Law and Psychology", like if I can do it or not such thing, it's really high standard that I don't know if I can achieve, like my 2nd sister wanted to become a banker but then didn't happen, it's imagination of "wishes don't come true", it's somehow different when I see "Crow Yuzree" and my 2nd sister's ex-husband, like "wishes do come true", they kept their words of doing what they want or ambitious to do, then really started own business. Their path in life are a lot of hard work that I don't understand how hard it is, it looks really fun to be doing what we want in the end. I wonder if I can really become a psychologist like story of doctor, it's hard to believe that I will be a Soldier and A level, because it's like not a full time A level then, unless given time-off from work to focus on A level, it's really heavy to see my life as a working person. I don't know why people don't pity that I can't work due to schizophrenia and just let me live life "no money if no work" kind of feelings, it's really crazy but they do such things to me. So disappointing.
I feel that my parents care are no good like because of Dina toddler days, Alysha got advantage in life, then nobody comfort me until now about Alysha will be penalized, they just let me live like not doing anything to Alysha and that's all, I pity Dina how I am the only one in the family that fought for her "no crying" feeling in her babies days, I wonder why my parents are stupid like giving advantage to Alysha especially, but I guess it's because they adopted Alysha as their own child, it's really bad decision and I think I will be tortured until death if no counsellor or Law negotiator helps me, it's really a true suffering in life.
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