I wonder what people are doing how come sometimes a lot sometimes just a little.
The feelings of doing a karaoke like make me wonder if it will be fun because it's been so many years then I suddenly will be singing, am I going crazy or what? People at home will find me weird as I suddenly will be singing a lot.
I feel stuffy right now, the storm king made me want to quit cigarette after the lucky strike, it's really harsh the feelings. Anyway I don't know why my mother followed me on TikTok it was sudden then knowing she actively uses TikTok makes a cool feeling.
Now I'm at the sofa and always keep switching on the fan over and over again as it auto off, it's a bad thing to experience but it's not painful like "arms will grow muscle".
I'm still thinking about June, O level, I really don't know where my life is going to be, what kind of path is it when my ambition is to learn cyber security or ethical hacker, I read about PSB Academy it became wanting Infocomm Technology instead. I wonder what I will be doing in life, like will I really get to work something about computers, will I really do a computer business 1 day, a cybercafe too, I think my family is not a kind that always get their goals and it maybe follows in the bloodline that I won't get to do what I'm ambitious about, maybe this coming O level will only lead me to work after that, it's really harsh, I maybe will just become a McDonald worker? I really don't know. When I think of my job, I feel God as heartless as I did not become a good status to get the girl I want, I became like a loser instead. It's really tough imagination I kept thinking why nobody helped me in life, I'm really on my own on my life journey without any support but just my brother's then I anticipate people that's my family members telling him to not give money anymore, it's really sad and making me insane, they really are not nice to me and a bad care method, I think I don't need lessons in life but their care methods are always like "lessons" most of the time.
I remembered about a teacher that her child doesnt meant someone smart as school at A.V.I with me in the past. I used to be ashamed of studying here in the past and usually don't tell people of my life. It's really crazy a lot of budak cacat and gangsters at the same time, I feel retarded someone scored so high but so stupid, luckily I'm like normal person in the school. It's really sad but my parents really send me wherever they feel like sending me and I experience a bad life in the end and not successful in my studies there. It's boring my achievement is nothing there then I went to BMC Academy to take N levels. I really have no rewards in my life then it's just like that - my family. They are not caring like me I thought as something weird because I'm caring then its like a different bloodline. They let me grow older studying failure type of studies including N level then they don't care of getting the girl that I love. It's the point in life - girl that we love are strength in life, then they didn't let me feel like getting her at all until I'm 38 years old in about 3 weeks.
I really feel like if nothing happens at 38 years old, I'm going to be stucked in a suicidal thoughts everyday, then I'm going to try for dormicum most probably like seeing guys hangout to buy just anything to overdose myself, pleasure in death should be the least painful in death, I think it's like that. They didn't effort even when I've hit 37 years old, as I assume they hate Sakinah but it's not that I won't revenge on anyone that got my life becoming miserable, like Alysha definitely I will request counsellor to help me as I want to sue Alysha 100%, she's really testing my patience as doing nothing for me to feel better.
I will wonder who been following me as I will be actively using TikTok like Zoe Lim, but only having my voice singing and not my face talking, then lyrics as the video, I think. That's all I plan to create my TikTok popular and I hope I get nice comments from singing. I realize all schizophrenic want to become famous to become rich, then I've seen some that successfully got their fame while I'm the one suffering kind of schizophrenic like no gains of popularity and fame, like a missing person for 20+ years as fact my life. I've been offline most of the time listening to voices and seeing things, then dreams that made me thought as power or magical, really became berangan a lot, it's really bad schizophrenia I hope they treat me better.
Today my mother cook something not nice, telur sambal that the sambal berminyak and tawar, it's like meaningless, then have sambal goreng from my 2nd sister during hari raya haji she cooked it, then I don't know why I don't feel pleasured. Maybe it is anhedonia. Today I ate honey chicken 3 pieces with chilli sauce like kicap on rice, then curry chicken El-Dina brand with bread slices then sambal goreng and telur. It's really a boring life.
I wish I'm outside exploring the world with nice people that treat me food and drinks like Starbucks or Coffee Bean, knowing what outside feels like now since I've been at home most of the time, people just don't care and I live my life with nothing.
I tried to make myself happier like imagining money for Simba, then having Simba data for fun videos 1 day, maybe I will just TikTok Live Karaoke everyday but I really don't know if I would be energetic to do it, because of anhedonia.
I hope next week everything will be settled about Club Heal counsellor request.
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