I really hope my family bring me to explore Marina Square as I remember my last time there the top level was on renovation, then it means something have changed there, I feel like a kid then it's only because of shortage of cash, if not I maybe will go out myself but it feels like I wouldn't at the same time, it's just too much the boredom for almost 1 year already, and I think they remember I've passed this stage of not taking my medicine or took my medicine but skipped a lot of days. It's just hard my life, I want an easier life then I wish Club Heal give me a job too so I can live peacefully. I only have about 5 months to work before O level then it's the only road in my life for me to perform well or just pass as something okay despite doctor saying I will score all distinction and become famous on television. It's just too much weight in my life being an N level is something I feel "poor" about and O level is the least I want to achieve in life, then if I have to: just get Diploma in Ethical Hacking etc. just something good to work at after that. It's really tough my life, then I just want to work as a Soldier most probably. My nephew Jafni is a soldier getting my ambition in life, he's so lucky, he's just 8 years younger than me then I remembered I used to care for him when he was a baby and toddler.
I really want Sakinah to get to know me more but it feels like even 40 years old I won't be getting her, so I wonder what I should do in life, it's like a weight in my heart waiting for her and she don't care that it probably made me lovesick and can't work, she just let me live a difficult life with scary parental care, at this age too, it means I'm like retarded if I expect them to care for me but I'm schizophrenic, what can I do about it? I've been taking medicine daily like I remembered about Club Heal telling me to take medicine, then I hope they help me get a job but it's like a lazy person still? I really don't know. I just hope my life can improve to be a better man.
Just 27 more days then I'm 1 year on medications, it's really tough my life journey. Then 75 days left for me to be 1 year out of ward. I will successfully go through this year July and 1-14 August outside ward, I'm so happy of my first year experiencing July after so many years then NDP outside ward, I hope they celebrate my 1 year of medications by giving me gifts like laptop but then it's something like a "fat hope", something that they won't give me, it's really bad my life experience due to schizophrenia, the voices that lasts for 20+ years, then it's only like that nobody sued Alysha for her verbal abuse and physical abuse to a toddler. It's like people don't believe me because of schizophrenic diagnosis that I have, as most schizophrenic lie about their feelings or situations in life like "I don't have schizophrenia" etc.
I'm going to end my writing like this first for now.
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