It's almost 1 year of medication then no celebration whatsoever by my family, it's weird my achievement not felt like a goal like my N level scores high but not given any gifts or money, life's suppose to be like that, like getting an Edusave but I did not, I'm let to believe my family is poor due to schizophrenia I became mentally disabled and believed easily that my parents "have no money", thinking of Alysha made me angry how she got $10/day from my father after bullying Dina like a job received payment. During my schizophrenic days if I remember this part of life I maybe will judge my family as evil and "payment job to bully Dina is $10/day", lol thats crazy, Law so heartless if waiting for a report by me or my family members instead of getting money for me and Dina from Alysha, it's really bad life experience that she doesn't pay back penalty even by initiative, it's really harsh I know Alysha have a book I remember about what she did to me and Dina, then Law can use that as evidence of attacks and even a Lie Detector that she likes to make Dina cry a lot. It's really harsh how I'm let to struggle then "finally receiving money from jobclub", then ease by my own efforts instead of people supporting me, I need a counsellor that can help me get money from my parents so I can plan my life like search for the girl I love or study faster for O level. Life is harsh and they doing this to me.
I have 31 days left for my "1 year on medications", I hope someone gift me something like a memorable energy to keep taking medicine everyday. I feel that my efforts are meaningless, and someone that's schizophrenic and weak mentally are not encouraged in life to keep chasing for the goal.
Even after 1 year on medications, I will goal for another year, or even 6 months maybe if I recover at 38 years old as story of doctor, I really hope it's 19th June instead of 29th June that I recover from schizophrenia, the faster the better, I don't want to be suffering all the time, all the negative feelings are believed as schizophrenia giving me a physical pain like the psychology quote "missing someone is like a physical pain", I really maybe suffering from lovesickness other than schizophrenia and nobody cares about it, I wonder if Sakinah have a family member or relative that loves a girl so much, she really would ignore or help? Why can't she think this manner and just let me be in love then she doing what she want in life instead? Once I ever felt like it's a soulmate feelings/connections between me and her, it's definitely a deeper scar if she does something against my wish but she did it anyway. I really don't know what makes her so heartless. Maybe I really wish well that she will become a witch if didn't marry me and doctor really mean it about making her nose so big like a witch if she don't marry me.
Boring my life, I miss the life of playing FIFA with my 2nd sister's ex-husband, having someone to play together despite anhedonia, maybe it will still be fine, I remember I was on medications before and still can play FIFA with him, it's really harsh my life experience he suddenly gone for so long yet I didn't feel it thinking I have cancer causing my eyes to roll upwards and memory loss, then I thought he searched for a medicine for me instead because his father is a Homeopathy person, it's really crazy my life I have no one helping me and the only one that definitely will side me gone on the moment he discovered that I have schizophrenia. It's really bad my life experience having no one to support me, I only remember thinking like "bodohlogy" is him and he look at my TikTok then I wonder if it's really him, it's good but would be bad if in touch with him I guess, life is so boring and I only felt it like 1 year within this over 20 years of my life, I really thought I'm younger age and "Allah didn't take away so much time from me" then actual fact is "Allah had taken all the time I lost", it's really harsh to think positively of Allah then He did this instead. I don't know or understand why Allah don't help me like giving me a dream, or making my mental stronger without medicine, I'm just so unlucky in my life.
Today I bought Lucky Strike because I think of quitting cigarette then thinking of feeling this new one first, it costs $14+ but I'm fine about it I guess, I have no choice I don't want to miss not knowing what a kind of cigarette feels like, I would only crave more if I didn't try now.
Just 1 month left of 31 days then it is over, the final destination of my life, the restart of a new countdown for another year of taking medicine, that doctors said that I will recover at 38 years old, then I don't know if I will still be needing to take medicine by 39 years old. It's just too harsh and too long to be cured from schizophrenia, then nobody helps me like understanding me as mentally weak and support with pleasures of life like going out to places to know what it's like, I really miss going to places then I feel that if I go there alone I would feel bored from anhedonia then wasted my money travelling so far like Esplanade. I think I will buy microphone later to play "Star Maker" for real and try to have fun in my life, I know doctor said that I don't know I will be in a competition and as I sing I am somehow calculated to be winner in the competition 1 day, it's really a nice feeling to know this at that time, I wonder what would happen to me, then before "Star Maker" and Pokemon Cards, will I really be successfully creating "w.w.f.g"(we walk for ghost) adventure group? I feel like drawing some art to make the t-shirt or long sleeve, like a person holding a torchlight then shining at trees or abandoned looking structure and draw eyes thats closed and not looking, like a floating entity imagination that exist even if we shine correctly to where "we want to see things".
I'm bored of the perfection of my family, I really hope counsellor helps settle my feelings and somehow I get to feel "rumahku syurgaku" in my own home, it's really so bad like a helpless feeling still exist like "until when I have to just wait for Sakinah"? They really making my heart and brain in pain thinking they do nothing it feels like torture to me and they don't care if it's like torture to me.
I hope my family start talking about Sakinah 1 day or even Shahridah and Wahdiah, then they don't, it's just too sad the split-up happens from Alysha and nobody sued her. Law is crazy if don't take action to Alysha if know of this writing.
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